It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s06e13 Episode Script

- How is this? Is it okay? - # Jingle bells chime # Uh, no you have to move it a little to left - # Jingle bells chime # - Alright, here we go.
- What's up? - No, on the other left.
On my other left? I only have one left.
It's just an expression.
Just move to the other direction.
No, no, just move it to the other way.
- Move to the other way.
- Towards your left.
Your left and my left are the same, 'cause we're facing the same direction.
We're two different people.
We can't have the same left.
Doesn't make sense.
DENNIS: Here we go again.
- Hey-oh! - Yo! (music stops) Well, aw all right, hey, go in the back, we got some more Christmas lights.
- We need some help.
- SWEET DEE: No, we're not helping you.
Come on! It's almost Christmas.
Get into the spirit.
Let's put some decorations up.
Whoa.
- What in the hell is that? - Yeah, you like that? That's an industrial-size snowblower we got from some dude on the Internet from the Poconos.
Yeah, you know how it never snows on Christmas? We got a backup plan this year.
We're going to have a white Christmas out in front of the bar.
We're gonna make the snow ourselves.
If you guys love Christmas so much, why do you always wait until the last possible minute to put up the Christmas decorations? It is the day before Christmas.
That's our tradition.
Yeah, that's what we do.
We drink a lot of eggnog.
We pass out, and then, you know, we don't put anything up, so we do it all last-minute.
Yeah, then we wake up Christmas morning and throw rocks at trains.
Why would grown men throw rocks at trains? Why wouldn't we throw rocks at trains? It's Yeah, it's awesome.
It's what you do on Christmas morning.
- We've been doing it since we were kids.
- Look, whatever.
I'm sorry that we love Christmas, and we have awesome traditions, and you guys hate Christmas.
Well, they hate Christmas because I always got the best gifts and Frank always gave them shitty presents.
Oh! You think we don't like Christmas because Frank got us shitty presents? Is that really what you think? No, Frank didn't buy shitty presents.
Frank bought the most awesome presents in the entire world.
As a matter of fact, he would find out whatever Christmas presents we wanted that year, and he would buy them for himself instead of buying them for us.
Yeah.
- Really? - Yeah.
That must have been why he wanted me to walkie you guys when you got to the bar.
'Cause he was trying to do something about making your Christmas better Yo, Frank, the Eagle's landed.
They're here, so, uh over and out.
Go ahead.
- FRANK (over radio): Tell them to go outside.
- No.
Frank, whatever Christmas presents you bought for yourself, you can bring them in the bar and ruin them in front of us in here.
No can do.
It's too big.
And, Dennis, you're really going to want to see this.
It's your dream gift.
My dream gift? What is he? Nah, oh oh No, God, no.
(tires squealing) (Frank grunting) Goddamn it! (chuckles) Merry Christmas, bitches.
Deandra look at this.
A nice Sergio Giorgini bag.
- You wanty? - I don't want it.
Fake-out! It's mine.
(cackling) And I use it to keep in my Cheesy Loops and chocolate-covered malted milk balls.
What is your problem, Frank? Why do you do this to us every year? I do it to you every year, Deandra, because you and your brother never learned the lesson that I try to impart at Christmastime.
Oh, my God.
And that is, you have to earn what you get.
This principle made me a multimillionaire.
No, no, stealing millions of dollars from your ex-business partner is what made you a millionaire, Frankra Eugene Hamilton was a great man.
Do not speak ill of the dead.
She's speaking ill of you.
Oh, whatever.
I'm gonna burn up the rubber with my Lamborghini.
(imitating engine revving) Oh, I got my nice Sergio Giorgini bag.
Damn son of a bitch! How can he do this to me?! He's gone too far this year.
Okay, he's not even our dad anymore, and he's still doing this.
I can't take it anymore.
Who puts cheesy snacks and chocolate in a designed bag.
Oh dear, *** Okay, well *** begin to compare a $250,000 Italian sports car to a handbag, but I get your point.
This has got to stop.
However, the good news is, I think there's a big opportunity in this.
What kind of opportunity? Well, Frank seems to think that his old business partner's dead.
- He's not dead? - Nope.
And that gives me a very interesting idea.
EUGENE: So, you want to talk to me about Frank Reynolds? Yes, we do.
See, Mr.
Hamilton, we heard about how Frank dicked you all up and down, and we thought we'd give you a chance to get some payback.
Mm-hmm.
We thought you might want to help us because, you see, Frank thinks you're dead.
Well I have forgiven Frank.
- What? - Frank? You see some years ago, I had a near-death experience, and I I saw the light and I saw the truth of the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
Oh.
Uh-oh.
So I have forgiven everyone who ever did me any harm.
Okay, well, uh, that's cool because you could probably still help us.
Frank has not found the Lord yet.
No Frank's got nowhere near the Lord.
Yeah, and so, in the spirit of the Lord and Christmas and And God.
uh, all that, we want to do a Christmas Carol type thing, where we show him the error of his ways through his past, his present, and his future.
See, Mr.
Hamilton, we feel like if Frank can just understand what a dick he's been to people in his past, and how he's just going to probably end up old and alone like yourself, then maybe he'll be able to make up for some of his past mistakes.
When can I talk to Frank about his salvation? At the end.
- You can do it at the very, very end.
- The very end.
- The very, very end - Yeah.
Yeah.
But in the meantime, we need you to be our ghost.
Just being in your childhood room is giving me the Christmas spirit, bro.
Yeah, dude.
It's awesome, huh? It's pretty cool that your mom kept all your stuff, man.
Yeah, dude.
I'm telling you I think I've got an Omnibot around here somewhere.
- You remember Omnibots? - Totally.
Those were amazing.
- Oh, my God, so cool.
- Oh, check this out, dude.
- Look at that: karate trophy.
- Why do you have a karate trophy? - I found that in the street.
- Oh, that makes sense, okay.
And, oh! Captain Caveman.
Oh! Hey remember when we *** - *** - Absolutely! And then we would bash away at 'em, and we'd bash the dogs to pieces.
Yeah, boom! Remember that? - (gasps) Simon?! - Simon.
Dude, this game was my favorite.
Do you remember how challenging this was? Yeah, but, Charlie, don't get lost in that, okay? Just - (game beeps) - I got the first one, bro.
(two electronic tones) Uh-oh.
Ooh, ooh.
It just threw me a curveball here did you catch that? - Uh, it went "bee-boop.
" - I know, but I don't know what order.
- Which one was "bee"? - Which one lit up? The yellow and blue both lit up.
- Well, then press yellow and blue.
- I don't remember which order it happened.
(plays tones correctly) - Oh, okay, you got it.
- Yeah.
- You got lucky, though.
- (three electronic tones) Okay, now three happened, and I have no idea which three.
Hey-oh! Boop ba-ba, beep-beep, ba-ba-ba! Omnibot, the breaking robot from the Dude, we're going to put a Santa hat on him.
He's going to serve us drinks and break-dance.
- That is awesome, dude.
- Yeah, it's awesome.
- What was he holding here? - (Mac imitates robot beeping) Is this his, like, instructional video? "Christmas Day 1985.
" Oh, shit! This is a home movie - my dad made of Christmas.
- Really? Oh, yeah, every Christmas morning he would videotape me opening up my presents.
- Toss that shit in, man.
- Yeah, man.
Look, son, a video camera, hmm? (laughs) Oh, this is something.
Can I open mine now? No, no, keep your voice down.
Let your mother open hers first, okay? Here we go.
Here we go.
"Mom.
" Let's go, Ma.
Can't wait.
Hon, wow! Cashmere! Beautiful! - That's gonna look good on you, baby.
- Oh, yeah! - Now can I go? - Uh, not yet, son.
Let's see what Daddy got, hmm? Let's see what it is.
Would you look at this.
A brand-new stereo.
Oh, look at that.
That's gonna be perfect for the living room.
- Yeah! - Goddamn it! Can I goddamn go?! This is taking forever! Okay, fine, fine, fine, fine.
You go.
You go, yeah.
Okay.
It's your turn.
- Let's see what you got.
- Let's see.
(Charlie screaming) A Cabbage Patch Dep.
(Charlie screaming) You don't have to yell like that, okay? Who's down there? What? - Oh, my God! - Who's down there?! Time to go, time to go.
All right, move.
Son, get your there we go.
Open the door.
Get the stereo, get the stereo.
Honey, get the stereo.
That was awesome.
- My dad looks really young, doesn't he? - Dude, what was what was that? What happened right there? Huh? What was the family on the stairs? What was that? That was probably the next family coming in to get their presents.
What are you What are you talking about? What was happening there? That was the Christmas tradition.
Where you go from house to house collecting your presents and then, when the next family comes, you would run.
I'm not aware of this tradition, Mac.
In fact, I think that you were just stealing from that home.
Oh, no.
I was taking their presents, but they were taking mine.
Yeah, dude.
That's why there were never any presents at my house when I got back: the neighbors took them.
Its a South Philly tradition, Charlie.
No, mm-mm, that makes no People don't do that, dude.
That doesn't make any sense.
You're telling me that Christmas morning, you would not go to your neighbor's house and take their presents? No! No one does that.
Well, my dad told me that that was the tradition.
And your dad is like a thief and a murderer who eats people, so he's not really trustworthy.
This is really dicking with my Christmas spirit.
Okay, whoa, bro.
I tell you what: I got a plan.
Let's go to my house, you know.
You'll see how my mom does it.
We'll get you right back in the Christmas mood.
- All right? - All right? Okay, all right.
Okay.
You think you think these chains are really necessary? Yeah, they're necessary.
It's part of the whole thing.
Yeah, it's part of the look.
Okay, now this is how it's gonna work.
I'm going to pump this smoke under the door.
Then you blast in there and give Frank a good scare.
Yeah, and remember, he's really gonna believe you're a ghost, so he's going to listen to anything you say.
Definitely, definitely.
You sit him down, you make him watch the videotape.
And that's what's going to prove how horrible he's been to us all these years.
- Yeah.
- When you're doing the ghost thing, you really got to sell it (moans eerily) - you know what I mean? - Make it sound real, like a ghost would.
- Yeah, do it up; do it up.
- Okay.
(echoing): Frank! (gas hissing) (echoing): Frank! (Frank snoring) (echoing): Frank! Put some vio brato into it.
Fr-a-a-nk! Frank! Fire! Fire! Fire! We're gonna die! We're all gonna die! We're gonna suffocate! (gagging) Gotta get outta here! Gotta get out! We're gonna die! Calm down, Frank.
Calm down.
There's no fire.
Eugene? Yes.
- A ghost! Ghost! Ghost! - No, no! Ghost! Ghost! Get out! Get out! No, Frank, stop, stop! Deandra! Deandra! Stop it, Frank! - You're supposed to listen to the guy.
- No, he's dead! Calm down, Frank! Go sit on the couch and keep your mouth shut, okay? Just sit and listen! Thank you.
Now, yes, you're right.
Your old business partner is not dead.
But Mr.
Hamilton, do you have something that you'd like to say to Frank? I do.
Are you familiar with the forgiving nature of our Lord and *** No, no, no Eugene, at the end, okay? For the love of God, at the end, okay? - This is the beginning.
- Okay, but if you're gonna bring God into it, could you do, like, the Old Testament and the Covenant and keeping your eyes closed or your face will melt and the coins and the fear and the Indiana Jones? You know what? Sit-Sit - Just sit on the couch.
- Okay.
- We'll take it from here, okay? - Thank you.
Thank you.
Good job, buddy; good job.
Okay, um, bust out the video.
- The tape now, right? - Let's do the video.
What the hell is this? Welcome to your Christmas past, Frank.
Is this gonna take long? Because it's cutting into my Countach time.
I was gonna go out and make some modifications to the car.
- Modifications on the? - Yeah.
No, no, no, you do not make modifications on a Countach.
That car is "pehr-fect.
" Yeah, but I can't reach the door when it goes up, and I was gonna put a wire rig and then drop the bag.
You are gonna ruin that car, Frank! You're gonna ruin it! Okay, okay, we're gonna take you on a journey, like the Christmas Carol, and you're gonna be a better person, and your life will be enriched and fulfilled, and just watch the TV.
Hmm.
(on video): Okay, Dennis, Deandra, come and get your presents.
- We have presents! - Oh, yes! Yes! Presents! Presents! Presents! - Christmas, 1986.
- Mm-hmm.
This is where you destroyed Christmas for us forever.
Oh, no, no, open the biggest one first.
That's the one.
Look at that, yeah! That's for both of you.
Tear it apart.
Go on.
What's in there? ("Hark! The Herald Angels Sing" plays) There's nothing in there.
Fake-out! There's nothing in any of 'em! Now go wake up your pillhead mother.
Awww! Aw, this is bringing back such great memories! The fake-out was the best, right? Right, Eugene? No! No! Eugene, will you please tell him what a terrible person he's been for always doing this to us, please? What are you talking about? Eugene was the guy who taught me the fake-out.
He's right.
But I have changed, my good friend.
- Yeah, see, he's changed.
- Yeah, that's the point.
That's the point.
He changed, and so, now it's time for you to change.
- Yeah! - They're right.
Are you ready to find the loving arms of God? - God! - Where is your anger? This is time to get your vengeance, guy! - Let's all go to church! - No! - No?! - Church? All right, let's move on to Christmas present.
- Yeah, this - Let's just continue the journey.
All right, grab your jacket.
- Eugene? - All right.
- Up, up, up, up, up.
Come on.
- Let's go.
Come on, Eugene, let's go.
Yeah, man.
See, this is Christmas, right? Yeah, your mom's really into this, huh? She loves it.
Hey, Ma! Hey, Ma! Hey! - Oh! Hey! Merry Christmas! - I'm so excited! It's almost Christmas! I'm so excited! - Merry Christmas! - Merry Christmas! Ooh, you brought the vodka! Glug, glug, glug, glug! Christmastime, Christmastime! Drinking on Christmas! Thank you! Well, listen, you guys, you make yourselves at home.
I'll be in the kitchen making gingerbread men for my gingerbread boys.
- Yeah, gingerbread men! - All right, man, I'm feeling I'm back! - This is Christmas, man! - Mac is back! You got good tunes, good food on the way.
My mom and I would be excited about the Santas coming over.
- Yeah.
- This is Christmas, bro! Yeah, the, the what? The Santas that come over on Christmas morning to cheer my mom up.
The Santas? Plural? - What the hell are you talking about? - Yeah.
Oh, dude, this was like the best tradition ever, man.
Every Christmas morning (doorbell rings) I would run to the door and I'd open it, and I'd find the first Santa Claus.
Now, the Santa Claus would come in and he'd give me a present, you know, or something, and then he'd go in the room with my mom and cheer her up for a while.
(blows kiss) (doorbell rings) Then the doorbell would ring, and the next Santa Claus would come and he'd give me a present or something or other, and he'd go cheer my mom up for a while.
(doorbell ringing) He knows when you're awake He knows if you've been bad or good (gasps) So be good, for goodness' sake I didn't always understand the presents but I always found a way to have fun with them.
Santa Claus is coming to town Wait, dude, one year, Santa even brought one of his elves.
It's like a goddamn *** Or I think he was an elf.
You know, the memory was blurried for some reasons.
Merry Christmas.
Charlie, I I hate to *** you man, but based on the story that you have just told me, I think your mother was a prostitute.
- What? - Yeah.
Come on, man! I'm just saying based on that story that you just told me, I'm fairly certain that those Santas were running a train on your mom for money.
No, dude, they would just give my mom money, and go (bells tolling) Yeah.
Chew on that for a second.
- Let that settle in.
- No, no.
Yes.
- No, no.
- Yes.
Yes.
- No! - Yes.
- No! - Okay, just relax.
- No! - Are you okay? - No.
- Jesus Christ, let's get you out of here.
- No! - Let's get you out of here.
- Merry Christmas, Mrs.
Kelly.
- No! No! Just relax, dude.
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.
Okay, here we go.
Come on in, guys.
Why Why would you take me to my old real estate office? Well, because Frank, tonight's the annual Christmas party and we want to show you how much our ex-employees despise you.
- why is it a Christmas present to me? - It's not a Christmas present, Frank.
This is the Christmas present.
All right, Frank, here's the plan: We're gonna hide you somewhere in the office, so you can hear people talking shit about you, all right? Oh, that's cool.
Oh, I see where you're going with this now.
Sew me into the couch.
Sew you into the couch? What are you saying? Yeah, that's what I do at home all the time.
Hide in the couch.
It's a great hiding place.
I catch Charlie pounding off all the time.
Pounding off? Where do you get these terms, Frank? Why do you want to catch Charlie masturbating? No, I don't care! No, let's just hide you in a closet or under a desk or something.
Look, you want to do this Christmas Carol bullshit, you do it my way.
Okay, fine, we'll sew you into a couch, Frank.
Okay, right, you just rip off the back, take out the stuffing, put me inside and sew it up.
It's the most wonderful time of the year Excuse me, folks.
Hey, happy holidays, huh? Here we go.
- How we doing over here? - Uh, not well.
This is ridiculous.
People are definitely starting to notice.
Of course they're starting to notice.
There's a grown man crammed inside of a couch, for Christ's sakes.
They're gonna notice.
Let's just talk to some people.
How about how about them right there? - This guy? - Can you grab that guy? - Hey, you two.
- Hey! Hey, you two! So how we doing at the Christmas party? - We having a good time? - Yes, great.
- Great, great.
- Good, good.
So, u Sh, Frank Reynolds (blows raspberry) Oh, yeah, we were just talking about him.
- He's the worst, huh? - Right? Do, do you work here? - Yeah, of course, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Well, we pop around.
- Yeah, we pop around here.
- We're consultationists - For this.
So we consult here.
We consult across the street, too.
- Across the whole street.
- Is there a man in that couch? (Dennis chuckles) What are you saying? A man in a couch? - Hello? - That's absurd! I believe there's a man in that couch right there.
There is no man! There's no man.
Say some things about Frank Reynolds.
Say 'em loud, and make sure that they're horrible, horrible things, and then we'll deal with the man in the couch.
So there is a man in the couch.
All right, just call Frank Reynolds an asshole.
Who is Frank Reynolds? He's the man in the couch! Oh, my God, what are you people doing?! Will you just say something about Frank that's horrible?! Call him an asshole! Frank Reynolds is an asshole! - There you go! - Thank you! Oh, great! Now you've (gasping) (people screaming) Oh, Jesus Christ! Oh, no! Oh, no! What is happening! Aah! Can't breathe! - Too hot! - *** - Too hot in the couch.
- Okay, she called you an asshole.
- She called you an asshole, Frank! - No air! No air! Air! Air! - Oh! Geez! - (people groaning) Synch by Benfo.