M*A*S*H (MASH) s06e13 Episode Script

[Explosion.]
- Will you, for cryin'out loud, cut it out! - Stop it! Will you stop it! - Just stop it! Just leave us alone! - Will you cut it out! [Explosion.]
If only we could get some news, any news.
You boys better get some sleep.
We're gonna miss 'em in O.
R.
Tomorrow.
I can't sleep.
I keep expecting him to walk through the door.
I've said an entire novena in one night.
I guess we'll just have to wait.
- I'm sure they're all right.
- They must be going through hell out there.
[Incoming Shells In Distance.]
Colonel, this guy you said couldn't wait has been waiting 45 minutes.
All right.
Hold your horses.
B.
J.
? I got him.
Put him down on the end and get him ready.
- Send Kellye over here to close for me.
- Kellye, thread your needle.
- Father, retract this for me.
- Right.
Great.
Musical scalpels.
Give me a clean gown.
I hope you're shaking a leg, Winchester.
Colonel, my graceful fingers are dancing o'er the innards of this hapless doughboy and, when I am done, I shall be done.
- I'm sorry I asked.
- That's what I had in mind.
Anybody know where Hawk and Margaret are and why nobody's out looking for them? - I spoke to the chaplain at "l" Corps a few minutes ago.
- And? No help.
They still won't send up a spotter plane for a search.
- His C.
O.
Just won't budge.
- Did you tell him we're desperate? Rather vividly.
I'm afraid my anger may cost me a few days in purgatory.
- Your heart was in the right place, Father.
- I wish mine was.
Right now, it's in my mouth waiting for somebody to do something.
[Charles.]
You know, his abrasive personality to one side Pierce was a skilled surgeon.
Charles, it's a bit premature to be speaking well of the dead.
Colonel, did you get through to the 8063rd yet? Still floating on a sea of static.
- A little more retraction there, if you please, Father.
- Oh, yes.
Sorry.
I'm afraid I'm not as sharp a nurse as Margaret.
If the truth be known, Margaret was a superior nurse.
Charles, will you quit talking about them in the past tense? How would you like me to talk about them in the future tense? Yes, actually.
We could all say a little prayer that they'll come home tonight.
That's not too far in the future, is it, Major? Touche, Father.
[Birds Chirping.]
Oh, yeah.
- [Moaning.]
- Hmm.
Mm.
Well.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Did you sleep well? Gee, I don't know.
I was unconscious most of the time.
How about a nice, big breakfast? Great.
What'll we do, call room service or go down to the coffee shop? Do we still have those canned peaches? - I don't know.
I'll see.
- No.
You just rest.
I'll fix breakfast.
Oh.
[Laughing.]
Oh.
I wish we had the caviar.
Yeah.
Oh, no peaches.
- Crackers and jam.
- Well.
Well, that's not so bad.
That's all right.
A continental breakfast.
- The continent of Atlantis.
- The what? - That's the one that sank.
- Oh.
Yeah.
That's like a joke.
Similar.
You know, I really love your sense of humor.
There have been times in the O.
R.
No one could see under my mask I was smiling at everything you said.
Sometimes I'd be standing right next to Frank and you'd get off a really good one on him and I'd just be grinning from ear to ear.
- No kidding.
- [Laughing.]
How did you feel about me under your mask? You know, a lot of the stuff that came out of my mouth and through my mask was just fatigue and craziness.
I know.
I think I always knew.
I mean, I've always felt that you were a very attractive very, uh attractive person.
And there we were, hiding behind our masks all the time.
- Yeah.
- If only I'd have known before I met Donald.
- You know? - Yeah.
Oh! I must look awful.
You look fine.
Wonderful.
Ah! Here I am no lipstick, no comb dust all over my face.
Well, I guess if I could pass muster on a morning like this I can't be that bad.
- You look great, Margaret.
- Oh! I wish I had my toothbrush.
If I don't keep my teeth polished, they get positively dim.
You have the whitest teeth I've ever seen.
Oh, l-I always thought they were my weak point.
- Margaret, you could read by your teeth.
- [Laughing.]
You know what I like about you? You don't shower a woman with empty praise.
You say very little.
But when you do give a tiny, little compliment it means so much more.
[Sighs.]
- Doug, have you got a second? - Hey, Beej, how's it goin'? Lousy.
Pierce and Houlihan have been missing for a day and a half.
We can't get "l" Corps to send a plane to look for them.
I know.
I got orders to stay on the ground too.
If we don't find them, the North Koreans will.
- I'm not just gonna sit here and let that happen.
- You're not? - No.
We're not.
- "We"? - You, me and my chopper? - The three and only.
You and I could get into an awful lot of trouble, and so could my chopper.
- I don't have any authorization.
- You fly through machine gun fire to pick up wounded G.
I.
s.
What kind of authorization do you have for that? Anybody from "l" Corps sees us up there there ain't gonna be a sling big enough to hold our butts.
Aylesworth, nobody's gonna see us up there but the North Koreans.
- All they got is guns.
- All right.
All right.
You know I can't turn down a chance to get shot at.
Margaret, you certainly are a delicious cook.
[Chuckles.]
Wait until you see what I do with leftovers.
Well, here we are two sleepy people by dawn's early light hoping they won't get shot before lunch.
Who'd have thought we'd wind up together like this? Makes you stop and think, doesn't it? There's somebody out there! Get down! - Get down? I can't get up.
- No, no, no, no! Stay there.
It-It's all right.
Don't panic, darling.
We'll be all right.
- It's a North Korean.
"Darling"? - We'll be fine.
Just relax.
Margaret, there's a man in uniform out there, and he's not here to read the meter.
- We gotta get outta here.
- He-He won't come in.
Look, he's scavenging.
He filled his pockets and he's coming in here to look for more goodies.
- Come on! - [Groans.]
My leg doesn't work.
It stiffened up overnight.
Try to move! Please! He's almost here! Oh, forget it.
Hide! Hide! Come here, come here! Get under.
Come on.
Get down, get down.
[Speaking In Korean.]
[Korean.]
[Groans.]
Don't touch him! He may be booby-trapped.
He's got a belly wound.
God, this guy was out there stealing pennies from a dead man.
He's only got a couple of hours left himself.
What crazy place is this? - How hungry can they be? - He could have killed us.
I doubt it, not if you'd offered him breakfast.
Who knows how many more there are out there? - [Helicopter Approaching.]
- What's that? It's a chopper.
It's one of ours! - We're saved! - Margaret! Hey! Hey! Here we are! Hey! Hey! Here we are! Hey! - Nothing.
How about your side? - Not a thing.
[Klinger On Radio.]
MASH 4077 to Red Four.
Over.
- [Radio Static.]
- Give me that.
Come in, Red Four.
Do you read me? - That's Potter.
- Well, do we answer? Suppose the radio's broken for another five minutes.
I know you can hear me, damn it.
Now pick up the phone.
Is he gonna be mad when we get back.
Not if we find them.
Let's keep looking.
- No! Oh! Oh! - They gotta be here.
Where are they? [Potter On Radio.]
Listen, you nitwits! You are in such big trouble you're gonna need a lawyer just to land again.
First my chief surgeon and my head nurse disappear, and now you.
Wait a minute.
What's that? It's a MASH jeep.
- Colonel Potter, it's B.
J.
I think we found them.
- What? Where are you? Uh-oh.
Doesn't this thing go any faster? - [Gunfire Continues.]
- They got the antenna.
- [B.
J.
.]
Let's get outta here! - [Motor Sputtering.]
- [Helicopter Departing, Motor Sputtering.]
- Oh! Oh! Hawk Hawkeye! Ah! Ah! They were hit! They went back! Did you hear the shooting? Come on! We've gotta get outta here! - Where's the sulfa? - Come on! They'll be here any minute! - Here it is.
- Darling, will you move, please? - There are people out there who want to kill us! - Give me a hand here.
- You're not taking him with us? - Don't be silly.
This is our date.
- I'm gonna give him a quarter and send him to the movies.
- He's the enemy! That's funny.
He bleeds just like our side.
- Ah! - My leg is coming along really well.
Listen to me.
You've got to try to walk.
They'll be here any minute.
They'll find him.
- Suppose they don't come in here.
He'll die.
- Everybody comes in here! We came in.
He came in.
It's Grand Central Station in here! Move! Please! Look.
I love how brave you are.
It's thrilling, really.
I love to see a strong man who takes charge like that.
Now do what I tell you! Walk to that door! Ah, my brave soldier.
You're wonderful.
You're my inspiration.
Shake a leg! You wanna trade places, fella? [Motor Sputtering.]
Let me tell you, Hunnicutt.
Stealing a U.
S.
Army helicopter is slightly more serious than grabbing the family car Saturday night.
I think we found them.
We spotted a jeep, and I think I saw Margaret.
- You know the coordinates? - Yeah.
I got 'em.
Come on.
The North Koreans are backing off.
The 8063rd can send out a search party.
- Sorry about the chopper.
- I'm taking it out of your allowance.
- I like my men neat.
- And not on the rocks? When we get back, I'm gonna get you a new shirt.
This one's nice, but I hate it.
This shirt has stains on it that hold fond memories for me.
You know, you don't have to make a joke about everything.
- Just about most things.
- I'll have you in tow soon.
- Don't you ever shave? - Just my legs.
- You know all the time when we were insulting each other? - Yeah? Every once in a while I'd wonder what it would be like to be you know, close to you.
- Did you? - Oh.
We can We can be honest with each other now.
Yes, I did.
Sure.
And there you were wasting time with all those other women.
Well, waste not, want not.
I guess we have a problem, don't we? - We do? - What are we gonna tell Donald? Tell Donald? What-What "What are we gonna tell Donald?" - About what? - About us.
About what happened.
Uh, well what do you usually tell him? What do I usually tell him? - No, I mean - Yes? - [Branch Snaps.]
- Did you just hear something? - What do you mean, what do I usually tell him? - Margaret, somebody's out there.
- What do you mean by that crack? - Quiet.
Get under that bush.
- I'm waiting for an explanation, mister! Come on, come on.
Get up.
[Rifle Bolt Locks.]
- Oh, hi.
- Would you be Captain Pierce and Major Houlihan? - That's right, yeah.
- We're from the 8063rd.
- Oh! - You must be pretty glad to see us.
Glad? [Laughs.]
Glad? [Laughing Hysterically.]
- Glad? - Stop laughing! - Margaret, it's over.
- No, it isn't! Not by a long shot, buster! [Hawkeye.]
So once the new section of artery is in place you do an end-to-end anastomosis.
[Margaret.]
We're using a new vascular clamp designed at the 4077 th.
It allows us to stop the bleeding without crushing the artery.
- Scissors.
- Scissors! Thank you.
It's a lot like a coarctation of the aorta where the narrowed area is removed and you sew the two ends together.
- It's new, but it's safe for the patient.
- [Hard Slap.]
Make sure the wound is well irrigated, nurses or you're liable to have a doctor turn on you viciously.
Be sure to ask for the right instruments, doctors or you're liable to get handed something you didn't expect.
Time is important here.
Whatever he asks for, give it to him immediately whether you think he can handle it or not.
And that does it.
Doctor, would you close for me? - Major Houlihan, can I see you outside? - Certainly.
- What the hell is the matter with you? - Not a thing, Captain.
- What's eating you? - I'll tell you what's eating me.
You're driving me crazy.
We got along a lot better until we started to get along so well.
Now all of a sudden, you're the queen and I'm the "Mirror, mirror on the wall.
" - Is that so? - If I had to tell you you were beautiful one more time I was gonna put it on a record.
- Are you trying to say I'm vain? - Who, me? - And demanding, I suppose? - Look, I don't mind but all this genuflecting is making my pants baggy.
Let me tell you something, buster.
Sir Walter Raleigh you ain't.
You think you're not demanding? You think it isn't vain to expect me to laugh at every stupid thing that comes into your head? And the sloppiness, the crudity! And stop trying to improve me.
- Just leave me the way I am.
- Gladly.
Just a second.
I'm not finished.
Let's keep this out of the operating room.
When we walk into surgery, I expect us to cut into the patients, not each other.
I'm a professional, Captain.
When we get back to the 4077 th no one will see the faintest sign from me we've had even the mildest disagreement.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- Shall we go back in for questions now? - Certainly.
Here's to our dear friends Hawkeye and Margaret who, thank God, are still with us, body and spirit intact.
- Amen.
- I'll see your amen and raise you two hallelujahs.
A "Hallelujah Chorus" of hallelujahs.
They ought to be back in a couple hours.
I don't mind telling you.
I was scared clear down to my jodhpurs.
We all were, Colonel.
[Laughing.]
I don't imagine they had too terrific a time of it themselves.
[B.
J.
, Potter, Charles Laughing.]
Those two? Probably at each other's throats the whole time.
Oh, I don't know.
Sometimes in adversity the coldest of enemies can close ranks together joining hands, as it were, sustaining each other.
- Maybe he's got a point there.
- I never looked at it quite that way.
You think they, uh, joined hands? They may have even sustained each other.
Not to mention closing ranks.
[Chortling.]
[Clears Throat.]
What do you think, Father? I think I'm in over my head.
[Cheering.]
[Margaret Squeals.]
[All Talking, Shouting, Indistinct.]
[Klinger.]
The 8063rd! - What's the trouble? - A house fell on me.
- [Klinger.]
You're kidding.
- [Margaret.]
Hello, Colonel! Here we are, Margaret.
Sit right there.
- Oh! - Let's get it all set up for you.
We welcome back our wandering children with open arms.
And so they don't get lost again, we have a couple of little gifts for them.
- Klinger.
- A MASH compass.
If from this camp you ever stray this little compass will point the way.
Aim this arrow to where you ain't and you'll come home with no complaint.
In case you go traveling again here are your passports.
"This is a chief surgeon and a head nurse.
"Do not give them candy or let them loose.
"Please return to MASH 4077 where they will be given hot soup clean jammies and a kiss on the head.
" - Ah! - [All Applauding.]
Welcome home.
Welcome home.
[Potter.]
And our undying thanks to the bad little boys who disobeyed orders and went out and found 'em B.
J.
Hunnicutt and Doug Aylesworth.
# Oh, we went lookin' for ya because we both adore ya # # But don't you ever do it Don't you put us through it # # Don't you ever do it again ## - Yea! - [All Cheering.]
Thank you.
Thank you all.
You're warm and affectionate and lovely.
And you're so nice to come home to.
Isn't that right, Major? Yes.
Indeed it is, Captain.
I can't tell you how glad I am you found us.
I can't tell you how glad I am you found us.
- [Chuckles.]
- Oh, boy! Am I glad you found us.
- Uh-huh.
- You really saved my life.
- Excuse me.
- Yes? Hell hath no fury like a woman sustained.
- You got any idea what that was all about? - I think so, yeah.
How'd you like to save my life again? - Sure.
You want me to fight her for you? - I need some advice.
We were scared and lonely, and we turned to each other.
Only I turned away first, and I guess I've insulted her.
And I don't know what to do about it.
- Talk to her.
- Yeah, well, I've thought of that.
Only I'm afraid, if we make up, it's liable to start all over again.
- Are you afraid of her or of you? - Why should I be afraid of me? Sounds like maybe you felt something for her, and it scares you.
I felt something for her? Are you nuts? I felt something? - You know who you sound like? - Romeo Montague? Hot Lips Houlihan.
You got her denial routine down pat.
Don't be crazy.
Well, actually even while I was screaming and yelling at her a while ago a part of me was remembering the night before.
So talk to her.
What's the worst that can happen that you'll have to admit she stirred something in you? Give a little.
You got plenty to spare.
- [Knocking.]
- Yes? [Hawkeye.]
Don't call the police.
I just wanna talk.
- Hurry up.
Don't let anyone see you.
- Nobody saw.
You can't hang around my door like this.
You want people to talk? Margaret, I came to level with you.
I don't think anything could ever come of it because we're so different but something happened to us out there, both of us.
Maybe we cared for each other a little bit more than either of us would like.
I don't see why we can't own up to that.
We might even turn out to be friends.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Nothing happened out there, not a thing.
Nothing happened? Is that what you're trying to tell me? Not unless you took advantage of me while I was drunk.
For a minute, I was afraid I might like you too much, but I don't think I have to worry.
No, wait.
Just a second.
Here.
Sit down.
Yeah? I think we can be friends.
- Okay.
- I would agree to that.
Fine.
Well, I'll have my lawyer draw up a contract.
I'm sorry.
I'm not a very open person sometimes.
Nothing will be different, not between you and me or you and Donald.
I don't expect things to be the same with Donald.
You're not leaving him? All he did was accidentally send you a letter he wrote to somebody named Darleen.
I'm sure the one he meant for you was just as nice.
I'm sending him a letter back a very carefully worded letter.
"Dear Hank.
" Do you like "Hank"? Or maybe I should make it "Dirk.
" - Or "Lance.
" - "Hank" is nice.
"Hank" will make him crazy.
"Dear Hank "I'll never forget that night we spent in that abandoned hut.
"You gave me your warmth and your caring when I was afraid.
"And now I think, from time to time, when I'm afraid again "I may have the courage to let another person know it.
"You've helped me to grow a little.
Thank you, Hank.
" Thank you, Darleen.
The Swedish MASH at Chorwon just heard about our arterial transplants.
- I don't wanna hear the rest.
- You guessed it.
They want a demonstration.
I think Pierce and Houlihan have done their duty.
That leaves one of you two.
Colonel, I refuse to run the risk of going through what the two of them went through.
They were bombed, wounded, hounded by the enemy.
They came back here bloody and limping.
Outside of one moment of glory in the operating tent the whole trip was for them one gargantuan disaster.
- [Charles.]
What are you smiling at? - I'm not smiling.
- What are you smiling at? - Who's smiling? I'm not smiling.
- What are you smiling at? - This isn't smiling.
I'm serious.
- All right.
Let's cut out the smiling.
- Who's smiling? All right, all right.
I'll go.
I'll do it.
But when I come back, there better not be any smiling.
- Who's smiling? - Who's smiling?