Spin City s06e13 Episode Script

Thanks for making me breakfast.
There is nothing better than a man who can cook.
Actually, my personal chef made it.
Except a man who can afford a personal chef.
- Mmm.
- I'll see you later.
She's something else, isn't she? Don't waste your time.
I've been trying to get her into bed for a year now.
Charlie Crawford, deputy mayor.
Tom Callahan, Caitlin's boyfriend.
Oh, that whole "get her into bed" thing was just political speak for trying to win support on an issue.
Hey, Carter, after the morning meeting, I'm gonna get you into bed.
Buy me lunch.
We'll talk about it.
- Nice to meet you.
- Sure.
Are you kidding me? That old guy is Caitlin's boyfriend? Yes, and I really like him, and I don't have time to listen to cracks about his age.
I understand.
You want to take advantage of the few good years you have left together.
Don't listen to Carter.
We just want tom to like you as much as he liked ike.
I'll have you know that tom runs marathons and he takes me to hip restaurants like cafe LA mans.
Why, do they have an early bird special? Paul, that's not funny.
Who's joking? Do they have an early bird special? What's going on? Caitlin's dating an old fogy.
Oh, break out the geritol.
Polish up the Walker! How old is the geezer? He's 55.
Well, I'm 56.
[SIGHS.]
Heads up.
The mayor's in a weird mood.
It's the anniversary of his mother's death.
She made him miserable while she was alive, and she's still doing it.
Do you guys believe in an afterlife where people are reunited with their loved ones? I think we rot away in a wooden box and get eaten by worms.
I hope you're right.
Sir, I know that you had issues with your mother, but try to think of the good times.
I'll give it a shot.
Now what? Hey, hey, hey.
How was shopping with tom's daughter? Horrible.
No matter how hard I try, she won't give me a chance.
What reason could she possibly have to hate me? Well, she's still reeling from her parents' divorce and here you come swooping into her mother's bedroom like a love-thirsty vulture.
Or she's on drugs.
I have to meet with her for lunch.
Hey, could you come with us? It's really important to tom that we get along.
And it might help me relax.
I have lunch plans.
Why don't you ask Charlie? Are you kidding? He hits on waitresses, he makes rude noises when he eats, and he's a terrible conversationalist.
Oh, hey, buddy! Hey, guys, I figured out the perfect way to cheer up the mayor.
Paul and I have been hatching something all morning.
I discovered the mayor's mother was an organ donor, and her heart was transplanted into a younger woman.
After exhaustive research, I tracked her down, invited her in, and she's with the mayor right now.
What do you guys have planned? Same.
His mother's last act was one of supreme generosity.
The mayor will finally see her in a different light.
Here they come.
Don't say anything.
She wants to tell him about the heart at lunch.
You have got to finish that yachting story.
No, I'm not gonna say another word until you tell me something about yourself.
- Well, I live in the city.
- That's terrific.
So the wind was blowing like stink, and the jib Hey, you two.
How are things going? Fantastic.
You know, I feel like I've known Christine my whole life.
Randall, we're late for lunch.
It's cold out.
You should get your scarf.
I hate that scarf.
It itches.
Would you rather have an itchy neck or a terrible cold? Itchy neck.
This soup sure is good.
It's got tomatoes In a liquid form.
So, Tracy Can I call you trace? Sure.
If I can call you "cheap floozy who's seducing my dad.
" I'll stick with Tracy.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Sometimes I like to eat my soup with a sugar spoon And pretend I'm a giant.
Arrgghh! - [THUD.]
- Ow.
You know, Caitlin has lots of interests.
She loves bike riding and going to the theater.
Ugh, the theater is so pretentious.
Don't you think so, Charlie? Well, yeah, I think that, but Caitlin says it's very enriching.
That's what old people say about things that suck.
I agree.
I'll take a movie any day.
Especially classics from the '70s like apocalypse now.
Yeah, or taxi driver.
And xanadu.
Raargh! Aargh! I'm uncomfortable with this organ-transplant thing.
I mean, think about it.
In 40 years some guy could be walking the street with my brain.
Ten to one he's lost.
Hey, hey, hey.
- Did the mayor get back from lunch yet? - Not yet.
He and Christine must really be bonding.
Once again my instincts are dead-on.
I think she may be able to give the mayor something his mother never could.
That was amazing.
By the way, what was that important thing that you wanted to tell me? It can wait.
Good! I caught you before you left for the day.
I brought you these from my greenhouse.
You picked me flowers? That is so romantic.
Actually, I had my gardener do it.
You just keep getting better.
Let me put these in water.
Hey, tom! I'm Paul lassiter.
I think we ought to talk about your intentions with Caitlin.
She's always been like a little sister to me.
I'm very protective.
If you cut her, I bleed.
Let's talk at a Knicks game.
I have courtside seats.
I love the Knicks.
- So, how long have you known Caitlin? - Who? Hey, Caitlin, I want you to come by the house for dinner tonight.
Tracy will be there.
We need to talk about that.
I tried, but she just doesn't like me.
I appreciate the effort.
Ever since the divorce, Tracy's been moody and staying out late.
Not to mention hanging out with the worst guys older guys, womanizers who try to seduce her with their lame moves.
- Oh! - What are you looking at? Tom - take me now.
- What? I've never been more turned on in my entire life.
Oh, on second thought, let's get coffee.
How did you get to be so cute? Well, face creams hair gels.
I even have these little strips I put on my teeth.
Shhh! I didn't really want to know.
Ooh! I got to go.
- Call me.
- I will.
Call me, call me, call me.
Don't forget.
I won't forget.
Bye.
Oh, God! - What the hell are you doing? - It's not what you think.
It looks like you're trying to score with tom's 23-year-old daughter.
Oh, then it's exactly what you think.
You're old enough to be her father.
Our age difference is smaller than yours and tom's.
But in my relationship it's a younger woman dating an older man.
- It's the same in mine.
- But in my relationship the older man's not about to get his ass kicked.
What are you gonna do, give me a little girly slap? Ow! What, are you on the juice? Charlie, I am dating her father.
If you hurt this girl, he'll blame me.
And if by some ridiculous chance it works out, I'll be your mother-in-law.
Wow.
My kids will have a grandma Caitlin.
- That's not funny.
- It's pretty funny.
I'm not gonna hurt her.
You have nothing to worry about.
No offense, but you're a woman's worst nightmare.
Thanks.
The "no offense" really softened that.
Charlie, I really like this guy.
Please don't screw it up for me.
Fine.
I won't see her.
Sorry.
I was just pressing my ear against the door so I could hear your private conversation.
You've just thrown in the towel on the whole excuse thing.
Why are you letting Caitlin tell you you can't make things work with Tracy? Well, my track record with women isn't exactly stellar.
Don't give up just because someone tells you you're not good enough.
When I was growing up, I was in love with this girl, Valerie.
She was beautiful and funny.
But everyone told me that I didn't have a chance, that I was crazy, so I gave up.
And I have regretted it ever since.
- What happened to her? - She married Eddie van halen.
My point is, if you like Tracy, that's what matters.
You're right.
You are right.
Who's Caitlin to tell me who I can date? I there was an ant crawling up your door, and I was trying to crush it with my ear.
You see? This is what I'm looking for.
That was the most amazing afternoon.
The pleasure was all mine.
By the way, I'm really sorry about that.
You don't have to apologize.
You were great.
What about you bringing me chicken soup when we were done.
Besides your mother, who does that? I can't think of anyone.
See you later.
Oh, there's my guy.
I can't thank you enough for introducing me to Christine.
- Ooh! That's just what I needed.
- I'm so glad.
You know, in your wildest dreams, would you have ever thought that the old Winston organ would end up inside her? I did buy her a nice lunch.
Besides, the sexual attraction was undeniable.
Wait! You slept with her? Guilty as charged.
You know, I don't know what it is about that woman, but she makes me want to be a naughty boy.
I am so happy I work here! - Sir, I think we need to talk.
- What? Now, this isn't a big deal, and I don't want you to overreact.
[MAYOR.]
Oh, my God! Caitlin, thank you for coming.
This is my friend, Steven.
- Pleased to meet you.
- Hey.
Steven is a family therapist.
I thought it might be a good idea if you, Tracy and I spent some time with him.
Wow.
Tom, I don't know.
If you're uncomfortable being with a therapist, - I completely understand.
- Why would I be uncomfortable? I'm in perfect mental health.
I mean, we all have our quirks.
When I'm nervous I compulsively clean my hands, but that's normal, right? Are you a middle child? Maybe.
Dad, what are they doing here? It's clear that you have issues with Caitlin and me, and I thought that we should talk about it.
Forget it, okay? I've got a date.
So instead of working on our relationship, you'd rather run around town with some jerk.
Why do you have a problem with every guy I date? Because you always find the one guy you know I'll hate.
- That is not true! - [DOORBELL RINGS.]
Hi, tom.
Is your daughter around? You really should go.
You can't tell me who I can date.
I belong here as much as you do.
For what it's worth, I think it would be a good idea if he stayed.
I like this guy.
Hi, Charlie Crawford.
Hi, I'm Steven.
I'm a family therapist.
I'm here to help you all work through your problems.
Oh, we don't have any problems.
Sure, I'm dating the daughter of a man who's dating my best friend, and, sure, he hates me, and she hates her, she hates him for being with her.
Should I lie down? Sir, I'll admit, this is a little unusual, but it's not like it's your mother's mind or soul we're talking about.
It's just a body part.
When you think about it, there's nothing wrong.
Maybe you're right.
She's just an ordinary woman who's very nurturing, who has my mother's heart, who I'm having sex with.
I'm going to hell.
And mother will be waiting.
In my whole life the one thing I counted on was my mom and dad being together.
Now I just feel like my whole world is collapsing around me.
I can't believe you came here.
How do you think I feel? Charlie, do you have something to add? Actually, I wasn't listening.
Tracy, would you like to repeat that gut-wrenching revelation? [SOBBING.]
I don't think I can.
I'll catch the next one.
Honey, I'm sorry that this divorce has been so hard on you, but it's not fair for you to punish me by dating the absolute dregs of the earth.
That's you.
How do you think I feel when you parade around with the bimbo of the week? That's you.
Caitlin is a wonderful woman, and she means a lot to me.
Well, Charlie means a lot to me.
He's a real man who's not intimidated by you or your gun collection.
Guns? You mean like the antique ones that don't work? They work.
Charlie's fun, and he's sexy, - and he's - Religious Deeply religious.
- He's passionate - About celibacy.
Steven, you see what she's doing? She obviously has issues with me.
But instead of expressing them like an adult, she tries to hurt me.
I know what that feels like.
I don't have any issues with you.
You're obviously here because you're jealous of my relationship.
Why do you think I'd be jealous? Charlie, you've made over 300 passes at me.
So? I make passes at almost every woman I meet.
But you're special.
Hold it.
We're never going to get anywhere unless we listen to each other.
Charlie, why don't you go first and share what's on your mind? The only things that are on his mind are sports and sex.
No one is that shallow.
It's just not possible.
Are you sure it's not possible? Hey.
I can't stop thinking about our afternoon of passion.
Me neither.
Did you ever imagine that something like that could happen? Well, I did have one weird dream when I was 15.
- What's wrong? - Nothing really.
Oh! Well, Carter just mentioned that my mother is alive inside your body.
I'm sorry I didn't mention it before.
We were just having so much fun.
And it seemed like such a serious topic.
But isn't it wonderful? Your mother saved my life.
And now, thanks to her, I met a great man.
You know, if you're free tonight, I wouldn't mind a little sleepover.
Shh! Not in front of mother.
Randall, calm down.
I'm sorry, Christine, I really like you, but this is just It's too strange.
No, it's not strange, it's fate.
I mean, what were the chances that I would find a matching heart from a 75-year-old woman? The doctors couldn't believe what good condition it was in.
She preserved it through lack of use.
It's a rare, magical thing when people connect like we have.
Shouldn't we give it a chance? Maybe you're right.
You know, my mother has dictated my whole life.
She chose my schools, my career, which women I should see.
I am 56 years old.
It's time I stop letting her control me.
You're a wonderful woman.
And there's no reason that we shouldn't be together.
Oh, Randall.
Nope.
Not gonna happen.
I could never live up to my father.
He was such a great leader strong, powerful.
And when he died, I couldn't face it, so I ran away.
I grew up without a family.
But I made some friends, and I had lots of adventures along the way.
Charlie, that's an amazing story.
It should be.
It's the lion king.
This is ridiculous.
You're making a joke out of the whole thing.
I'm trying to open up.
You are incapable of being honest.
I'm incapable of being honest? You're always telling me when it comes to women I can change.
That my life doesn't have to be an endless string of drunken nights and anonymous sex.
Whatever happened to bill? You say that you believe in me.
But the minute I met Tracy, the truth came out.
You think I'm a woman's worst nightmare.
And how did it make you feel to be berated like that? Hurt betrayed.
A little turned on.
That's a whole other issue.
You're right.
I should have given you more credit.
I'm just nervous about me and tom.
And the truth is I'm very insecure when it comes to relationships.
Why? You're such an amazing woman.
I don't meet people as easily as you do, and when I do, maybe I try too hard.
If I overreacted, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry if I made things awkward for you tonight.
Am I still paying for this? Wow, this is really great.
While I have you here, maybe you can help me work through my fear of heights.
- [PAGER BEEPS.]
- I'm sorry.
I've got to cut this short.
I just got an emergency page from the mayor's office.
- Is his problem bigger than my heights thing? - Oh, yeah.
Heisman trophy.
A naked woman.
A catcher's mitt.
Two naked women.
Can we please just go to dinner? Wait! This is remarkable.
- A palm tree.
- Really? It's a naked woman.
[MAN.]
Sit, ubu, sit.
Good dog.
[Barking.]
Moo.