The Goldbergs s06e13 Episode Script
I Coulda Been a Lawyer
1 ADULT ADAM: Back in the '80s, my mom didn't go into an office but she did have an important job, getting the Goldbergs' day off and running, and it all started with a hearty breakfast.
Ghostbusters cereal for my little Marshmallow Man.
[SINGSONG VOICE.]
Crunchin' makes me feel good! Triple protein, quadruple egg, and quintuple cheese omelet for my grizzly Barry.
My body will turn all of this into muscle immediately.
Watch.
Erica, Raisin Bran with a prune juice chaser.
What's good for the heart is also good for the bottom.
[QUIETLY.]
Gah, Mom! But also, thank you.
Bevy, which shirt do I like? ADULT ADAM: My mom was also our in-house stylist.
- Left hand.
- And which pants do I like? - The ones you're wearing.
- That's why I put 'em on! - I know what looks good.
- You really do.
Now go change your socks.
They're two different colors.
Oh, yeah.
I'll be right back.
She was also our pharmacist.
Blood pressure, cholesterol, heartburn, and dewormer.
Dewormer? What aren't you telling me? Not for you, Dad, for Lucky.
Who's my little dumper? [SPEAKS GIBBERISH.]
[BARKS.]
And when she sent us off, that's when my mom's work really began.
Yes, I'm calling about my flight to Fort Lauderdale, which might as well have been to hell because that's what my back and upper groin have been in since we landed.
What does "TWA" stand for, anyway? "The Worst Airline"? You know what, Wayne? Just connect me to your supervisor.
I'm gonna need to speak to your supervisor, Lydia.
You know what? I need to talk to your supervisor.
Just connect me to your supervisor.
Well, maybe your supervisor feels differently.
Let me speak to someone higher.
Well, maybe your supervisor can help me.
You know what? I demand to speak to your supervisor.
Oh, you're the CEO? Well, then, I'm gonna need two first-class tickets and a mess of those little pretzel bags.
After cleaning, couponing, and complaining, my mom sped off to do her favorite thing Shopping and errands.
Yep, Beverly Goldberg was an unstoppable force! BEVERLY: Damn it! What is wrong with you? Nobody stops at that stop sign! I'm twisted up inside But nonetheless I feel the need to say I don't know the future But the past keeps getting clearer every day ADULT ADAM: It was March 6th, 1980-something, and, after weeks of mending a broken heart, my brother was finally ready to get back to normal life.
Buenos dias, jota-te-pe! - JTP: Jota-te-pe! - Are we doing Spanish now? Elshut up-o, Mateo Bradley! [CHUCKLES.]
Gentleman, I know I've been distracted by the whole Lainey drama, but fear not, JTP.
I'm once again ready to sit upon my throne as your unstable leader.
My first decree, we shall playeth Smashball.
Ooh, we'd love to, but it's crunch time for college applications.
Oh Right.
College.
We are seniors, so that would be happening right around now, wouldn't it? Dude, don't tell us the whole Lainey thing distracted you from applying to college.
No! Don't be so stupid, Matt Bradley! - But I didn't even say - Bup-bup-bup-bup! Just out of curiosity, tell me everything about this application process so I know you're doing it right.
Well, we've really been beefing up our extra curriculars.
Naked Rob is an Eagle Scout.
It's the highest level of Boy Scout and the lowest level of cop.
Andy's a youth basketball coach.
Which is cool 'cause I'm taller than all of 'em.
And Matt Bradley's in the Big Brother program.
Jeremiah really stole my heart.
And I think also my car keys.
And I'm the treasurer for the Model UN.
It's really stressful, so all my armpit hair fell out, but it'll all be worth it if it impresses Dartmouth.
It's good to see we're all preparing.
Therefore, there's no reason to panic.
[SLURPING.]
Excuse me.
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES.]
I'm freaking out, man! Is that squirrel taunting you again? Apparently, I got so swept up in not getting married to Lainey, I forgot about the whole "getting into college" thing! Did you say "college"? I heard "college.
" Don't screw this up, moron.
Where did he come from? Dad, you gotta back off.
I don't even know where I want to go to school! That's where I can help.
Okay, I need you to focus up here, 'cause picking a school is not something you just rush into.
- Done.
I'm going to Tufts.
- Moron! You don't just open up a book and pick out some random school and say, "That's the one.
" - But it just makes sense.
- Why? 'Cause its name is Tufts, and I'm basically the toughest man in the world.
- Tufts, fine, done.
- Really? Hey, even if you got there the dumbest way possible, Tufts is still a great school, so I'm good.
So did we just decide where I'm applying to college? My son's going to Tufts! Hoo-hoo! ADULT ADAM: While Barry was getting excited about his dream college, my mom was just trying to calm her nerves.
I've been saying it since the first time I ran that stop sign, that intersection is an accident waiting to happen, and it's high time Mama fixes the problem! You could've been seriously hurt! How? I wasn't even there.
- But you could've been.
- That's true.
And, God forbid, you could've gone through the windshield like a delicious, little sack of potatoes, and, God forbid, a piece of glass - could have lodged in your brain! - Oh, no! Thank God the shard got lodged in a place where you're fine, - and they don't need to operate.
- Thank God.
But, God forbid, 20 years from now, you could sneeze, and boom! The shard shifts, and you're a veggie.
But I sneeze all the time! This is a parent's worst nightmare, and it's all because of a stupid stop sign! - What's going on? - We're making the very gut-wrenching decision about whether or not Adam should have surgery to remove the glass in his brain from a car accident.
Oh, my God! What do we do? Oh, I'm sorry.
Let me clarify.
Adam's fine.
We need another stop sign at the end of the block.
What? Are you kidding me? I almost gave Adam a hug.
I know, baby.
We're all scared, but Mama will fix this.
I'm gonna take this case to City Hall.
[CHUCKLES.]
I don't know if you know this, but I could have been a lawyer.
I think you've said it once or twice before.
I could've been a lawyer.
I could've been a lawyer.
I could've been a lawyer.
I could've been a lawyer! - I guess that rings a bell.
- It should, 'cause that bell rings constantly.
Well, as the lawyer I could've been, I'm going to collect evidence to support my case.
Adam, I need you to make a video documenting how truly dangerous that intersection really is.
Yes! I'll get right on it! Uh, what's my budget for the project? Schmoo, can you just film the intersection for me? Challenge accepted! I won't let you down! As my mom was lawyering up, Barry and my dad were getting down to the business of college.
Okay, let's go over what you need to get into Tufts.
Besides just being super tough? Uh-huh.
All right, first, your grades.
Oh, okay, you squeaked out a B-minus in English.
Wow! Straight A's in math and science.
All that math stuff just clicks, but English not good much.
Well, it looks like I'm gonna have to help you with your essay.
Or We freestyle my essay.
Check it out.
[RAPPING.]
Yo, Tufts I got the right stuffs Yo, Tufts I got the right stuffs Yo, Tufts I got the right stuffs You're just repeating the same thing over and over.
I got stuck in a rap loop.
I'm sorry! Okay, that does not help.
We really gotta wow 'em with your extra curriculars.
- All right, let me see your résumé.
- Boom! All you wrote down was "left-handed" and that you're an Aries? That's not exactly "boom" material.
That's all I got.
And technically, I'm a Pisces, but I don't want to be no stupid fish.
Damn it! All you had to do was play an instrument or volunteer somewhere, - and you did nothing! - I know! I'm not Tufts enough.
Relax, moron.
We'll just give your résumé a little padding.
You mean lie? Think of it like your mother's shoulder pads.
She wears them even though she still has shoulders, right? I bet she does.
So you're telling me you're okay with shoulder padding my résumé? I would do anything to get you into college.
- Come on.
- I'm serious.
This is legitimately the most important thing to me.
So you're telling me you would spend every cent you have - if it would mean getting me into a good college.
- Yes.
- What if you had to wear pants at all times? - Yes.
- What if the Eagles never, ever won again? - Yes.
What if the only way was for Tom Selleck to shave his mustache? [SHOUTING.]
Too far! You hear me? You leave Selleck's mustache out of this! ADULT ADAM: While my dad and Barry were formulating a plan, my mom was putting her plan into action.
Hello, Mr.
Schnitz.
I'm not sure you remember me.
Oh, I remember you.
You're the lady that comes in here demanding I help you because I'm city comptroller.
Exactly.
And things have gotten out of comptrol.
Again, I think you gravely misunderstand the reach the comptroller has.
Well, if you can't comptrol this city, then who can? You realize I am just an accountant? And I am holding you accountable.
Just tell me what you want.
I'd like you to take comptrol of a traffic situation heretofore known as Goldberg v.
Jenkintown.
Ma'am, this is just an office above a tuxedo shop, not a court of law where I can make any real - Exhibit A.
- Okay, sure.
This is the intersection in question.
Note that there are only two stop signs, but by the time I rest my case, there will be four.
- Exhibit B.
- Exactly how many exhibits are there? Behold, a scale model of our neighborhood.
And please note Exhibit C.
These are shards of windshield that almost had to be removed from my son's brain.
Oh, my God, that is horrib We decided not to operate - because he wasn't actually in the car.
- What? Don't worry, he's fine and super talented, which is why I tasked him with Exhibit D.
All rise.
- I really don't want to.
- Overruled! Again, this is not a court You know what? Fine.
Motion to get this over with, then.
You may be seated.
ADAM: The year is 2033, crime is at an all time high and volcanoes are everywhere! BEVERLY: What is this? We agreed you were only gonna film the stop signs.
Trust me.
You need to hook in the audience with a story.
The President's plane has crash-landed in Jenkintown.
That's the forbidden sector.
Only you can help us! Is that right, what I'm saying? Even though I only have one eye, I'll do it.
I'll save the President.
It's go time.
Nothing will stop me! - [TIRES SCREECH.]
- [METAL CRUNCHES.]
POPS: The President blew up before Snake could get to him.
The mission has failed.
I'm re I'm really not following the story ADAM: We need a stop sign.
Okay.
Well, I did not understand any of that, but I really would like you not to be here, so I'm gonna give you that stop sign.
So I won the case? You took comptrol of the courtroom.
Which is my office, so, yeah, sure.
Great! So just, uh, bang the gavel and make it official.
Well, I don't have a ga You know what? Let me just do this Fanta can.
Ah! We won the big case! Amazing! How did I play? Not great, but Mom was on fire.
I gotta admit, even if the whole thing is aggressively pointless, it's kind of cool you actually made a difference.
You know, this is really important to me, and I am damn tired of your sass mouth! No sass.
I know how hard it is to get things done.
I mean, I've been working on one song for the last three months, and so far, all I've got is Something, something, something And your friend Andre And that is not good.
- I mean, who the hell is Andre? - I think it's catchy.
Point is, I'm proud of you.
Oh, thank you, Boopie, and you know what? I've made a decision.
I am going to realize my potential as a potential lawyer.
Oh, my God, are you serious? You're damn right I am! Beverly Goldberg's gonna be a [BLEEP.]
lawyer! ADULT ADAM: Once my dad found out Barry's college résumé was light, he made it his mission to bulk it up.
The trick is to take a nugget of truth, and you spin it a little.
You do play a lot of sports, right? Hockey, wrestling, football.
Moron, if you played a bunch of sports, why aren't any of them on your college résumé? A variety of reasons, but mostly 'cause of unsuccessful tryouts.
So you played all three for a little bit, so you're at least a three-letter varsity player, and an MVP.
I never won MVP.
You never won Most Valuable Player, but "MVP" could stand for anything.
Like Magic Velvet Pants? Who wins Magic Velvet Pants? I don't know.
A genie? Should we put down that I'm a genie, too? Let's move on.
So we covered sports.
What about community service? I guess I am in the community when I'm walking around the community.
Wow, sounds like you're the head of a neighborhood watch.
And I do shout at dogs sometimes.
Seems to me that you train service animals.
I think I'm getting the hang of this, like that one time I played checkers with Pops.
I was basically volunteering with sad, old veterans.
- Perfect, throw more at me! - ADULT ADAM: And with that, my dad spun all of my brother's antics into résumé gold.
His bad BMX-ing became School cycling team.
- Goofing off in the gymnasium became - Gymnast! Trying to eat an apple in one bite became Head of the Isaac Newton Society.
Doing whatever this is became Gravity experiments elective.
- Just walking became - Hall monitor! His lifelong obsession with Donkey Kong became Unpaid assistant to a primate physician.
- And dressing as a pirate became - Pirate! Wow, I've led an incredibly rich life.
You're damn right you have.
Hoo-hoo! I'm a good dad! ADULT ADAM: While my dad was feeling confident about Barry's future, my mom was getting ready to change hers.
Good morning, your honorable smush bottom! Looking good, Mom! That's because today is the first day of your mama bear's journey to becoming a trial lawyer.
Well, I know you can do it.
I mean, who's better at arguing than you? Well, I did get this suit at half price because of a smudge on the shoulder, which I put there and later removed.
And those are the kind of questionable morals - that will make you an ace attorney.
- [WHISPERS.]
Thank you.
Okay, so here's what it takes to become a lawyer.
First, you'll have to get ready for the LSATs.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
Well, I can LSAT or L-stand.
I can do it all.
[CHUCKLES.]
Seriously, what is that? It's the Law School Admissions Test, which takes about four months to prepare for.
And after that, you apply to law school, which is three years.
Even for a proven legal eagle like me? I mean, I could've been a lawyer.
That's got to count for something.
It doesn't.
Moving on.
So after you graduate, you'll have to pass the bar.
Another test? I just took the "L" one.
And then you'll get hired at a firm and be an associate and work your way up the ladder until - Eh, Mama's out.
- What? I I think I'm okay just knowing I could have been a lawyer.
How can you possibly know that if you gave up after two minutes? Well, when you think about it, I already kind of am a lawyer.
Except you're not a lawyer, because you did nothing to become one.
According to the show L.
A.
Law, anyone can represent themselves in court, so that kind of makes me a lawyer.
No, it makes you a person who wants to be a lawyer but isn't one.
If I can defend myself in court, then you can, Daddy can, anyone can.
So when you think about it, doesn't that make us all lawyers? That is an incredibly dumb way to think about it.
Hey, I could've been a lawyer, so you show me the respect I could've deserved.
Read it and weep, suckers.
- What's this? - Oh.
Just the best college résumé ever assembled.
Three-letter varsity athlete? Captain of the diving team? Geology club? Dude, you didn't do any of these things.
It says you're the treasurer of the Model UN? I once gave that foreign kid who smells like beets a quarter to buy a donut, so that pretty much makes me official treasurer of the Model UN.
Except you're not 'cause I am! In the name of Luxembourg, I declare war on your lies! We don't have a real army, so it's more of a symbolic gesture.
Guys, relax.
- It's not like I'm hurting anyone.
- Yes, you are! What if your lies get you into a school over one of us? - Is that fair? - Okay.
You're clearly feeling a lot of emotions right now, which I can help you with 'cause I'm a peer counselor and a certified youth minister.
This is super not cool or chill, man.
Oh, come on, Matt Bradley! Where did that come from? Come on, guys! - JTP - JTP! J - [VOICE BREAKING.]
TP.
- ADULT ADAM: While Barry was feeling guilty about achieving his college dreams, Erica was hell-bent on getting my mom to reach for hers.
There she is, ready to fold my intimates.
Put down the basket.
We need to talk.
Erica, it's fine.
I don't need to be a real lawyer.
Okay, forget law, but there's so many other things that you're good at, so let's pick one of those and make it your thing.
Okay, like what? I'm glad you asked, because I made this A list of potential dream jobs tailored to your very talents.
For instance, diplomat.
Well, I do have a way of helping people - to get what I want them to think they want.
- Exactly.
And that's just one of many exciting options.
What about fashion designer? Mmm, my clothes are purely for fun.
I don't want to take the joy out of it.
Or you could be a gastroenterologist.
Speaking of which, how did that fiber-rich breakfast work out, hmm? Gah, I have so many futures for you on this board.
Just pick one and do it! Enough.
I'm fine just doing what I do, okay? I don't need some fancy job.
Yes, you do! Because if you give up on being a lawyer, which is actually doable, then what does that mean for me making it as a musician? Erica, me saying "I could've been a lawyer" has nothing to do with you.
Of course it does! I dropped out of college just like you, which means I'll just end up being a mom who constantly tells her ungrateful kids that "I could've been a rock star.
" I don't know whether to be offended or worried, but I don't like either feeling.
But it's true.
Becoming a lawyer is hard, and you gave up on it, like, shockingly fast.
And the truth is I'm doing the same thing with my music.
Ever since Lainey left [VOICE BREAKING.]
I haven't sung a single note or written any music or even touched my keyboard.
Schmoo, you've got it all wrong.
I gave up on being a lawyer 'cause that was never really my dream.
Then why do you always say it? 'Cause it sounds better than my real dream, which is being a mama.
[CHUCKLES.]
I'm living my dream.
If music is yours, you can't just give up on it.
I already have.
ADULT ADAM: After my brother talked to the JTP, he was starting to have some doubts about his résumé.
Unfortunately, my dad had none.
Dad, I just finished my college essay, and I think we should have a little talk.
- Oh, you should have a talk, but not with me.
- Huh? I've got an alumnus from Tufts here, and he's gonna interview you.
Remember my pal Formica Mike? [WHISPERING.]
Your furniture nemesis? I got his mom a great deal on a water bed, - so he owes me.
- But The JTP got me thinking, maybe shoulder-padding my résumé [WHISPERING.]
isn't the most honest thing.
I don't care what the PYT thinks.
You go in there and lie and make your dad proud.
Come on.
Here he is The future of Tufts! Murray, you may be right, if this résumé is to be believed.
And it is! I'm gonna get you guys some cookies.
Hydrox, if you got 'em! Hydrox is the Oreo of our people.
Uh-huh.
Listen, about my résumé Oh, your résumé, my gosh.
This is something special.
How does one person find the time? "How does one person do all that stuff in one year," you ask? Well Don't.
Don't ask.
Okay.
Wow, there's so much here.
Uh, you're an "unpaid assistant to a primate physician.
" W well, I love monkeys, so what's it like to work with them? It's good.
Care to elaborate? Uh, they love throwing barrels and stuff.
- Barrels? - Yeah, it's annoying, 'cause you just got to save your girlfriend and then jump over rolling barrels, but luckily, they break apart when you whack 'em with a mallet.
We're talking about Donkey Kong, aren't we? Yes! [GROANS.]
I'm sorry.
It's a lie, all of it! I I don't deserve to be in Tufts.
He doesn't mean it.
He's just being a moron.
- I do mean it.
- So no Hydrox? Look, I'm sorry I messed up my whole senior year and focused on the wrong things, but I won't lie my way into college.
I was promised Hydrox.
That's why I wanted you to read my essay.
It's not pretty, but it's real.
It's about what really happened this year, and [SIGHS.]
If the truth isn't good enough for Tufts, then I'll just have to live with it.
Whoa, what's all this? I figured it was time to pursue a new dream.
I thought you said being a mom was your dream.
And it is.
But you were right.
What kind of example would I be setting if I just gave up on all my other dreams? These are just recipes.
I've decided to write a cookbook.
Oh, my God, yes! I pitched you diplomat and not cookbook? What is wrong with me? Nothing! You still got me here! So, thank you, Boopie.
No need to thank me.
It's just good to know your dreams don't end with me.
And even better? Your dreams are just starting, and there's no way I'm gonna let you give up before you even begin.
I just picked an impossible dream, you know? Schmoopie All dreams seem impossible.
You've just got to put in the work.
ADULT ADAM: Seeing that our mom wasn't afraid to follow her dreams made Erica realize that her own dreams weren't so scary.
And with that, my sister was able to find her voice again.
Clock strikes upon the hour And the sun begins to fade Still enough time to figure out How to chase my blues away I've done all right up 'til now It's the light of day - That shows me how - [SIGHS.]
When the night falls - Loneliness calls - MURRAY: Hey.
I, um, read your essay.
Let me guess.
I'm a moron for telling the truth.
You really are, but I loved it anyway.
- Seriously? - Yeah.
It moved me.
Why? All I did was talk about getting my heart shattered and how this year was a total waste.
Barry, what you wrote was honest and real, and it shows how much you've grown, and that's more important than anything you can put on some stupid college résumé.
Important enough to get me into Tufts? You know, I think it's time we stop worrying about all that stuff.
But I know college is the only thing you care about.
You know, there's one thing I care about more you.
ADULT ADAM: And that day, Barry figured out that as long as you're true to yourself, you'll be successful anywhere you go.
Buckle up, baby.
- God knows what kind of drivers are out today.
- [SEATBELTS CLICKING.]
Good news is you got us that new stop sign.
Wasn't easy, you know.
Well, for you, it was.
You could've been a lawyer.
Oh, I wanna dance with somebody I wanna feel the heat with somebody - [BRAKES SCREECH.]
- Yeah, I wanna dance with somebody With somebody who loves me [BELL DINGS.]
Boom! Got it.
Add master of all cubes to my college résumé.
I never thought I'd say these words, but I'm incredibly impressed.
Dude, it's easy.
I just bought a bunch of other cubes and peeled off the stickers.
- Oh, so you cheated.
- Of course I did! You suck, Mr.
Rubik! I cannot wait 'til everyone forgets about you and your stupid toy.
Mark my words, that toy is more than a fad.
Rubik and his cube will be here forever.
- [GRUNTS.]
- I get the appeal now.
Ghostbusters cereal for my little Marshmallow Man.
[SINGSONG VOICE.]
Crunchin' makes me feel good! Triple protein, quadruple egg, and quintuple cheese omelet for my grizzly Barry.
My body will turn all of this into muscle immediately.
Watch.
Erica, Raisin Bran with a prune juice chaser.
What's good for the heart is also good for the bottom.
[QUIETLY.]
Gah, Mom! But also, thank you.
Bevy, which shirt do I like? ADULT ADAM: My mom was also our in-house stylist.
- Left hand.
- And which pants do I like? - The ones you're wearing.
- That's why I put 'em on! - I know what looks good.
- You really do.
Now go change your socks.
They're two different colors.
Oh, yeah.
I'll be right back.
She was also our pharmacist.
Blood pressure, cholesterol, heartburn, and dewormer.
Dewormer? What aren't you telling me? Not for you, Dad, for Lucky.
Who's my little dumper? [SPEAKS GIBBERISH.]
[BARKS.]
And when she sent us off, that's when my mom's work really began.
Yes, I'm calling about my flight to Fort Lauderdale, which might as well have been to hell because that's what my back and upper groin have been in since we landed.
What does "TWA" stand for, anyway? "The Worst Airline"? You know what, Wayne? Just connect me to your supervisor.
I'm gonna need to speak to your supervisor, Lydia.
You know what? I need to talk to your supervisor.
Just connect me to your supervisor.
Well, maybe your supervisor feels differently.
Let me speak to someone higher.
Well, maybe your supervisor can help me.
You know what? I demand to speak to your supervisor.
Oh, you're the CEO? Well, then, I'm gonna need two first-class tickets and a mess of those little pretzel bags.
After cleaning, couponing, and complaining, my mom sped off to do her favorite thing Shopping and errands.
Yep, Beverly Goldberg was an unstoppable force! BEVERLY: Damn it! What is wrong with you? Nobody stops at that stop sign! I'm twisted up inside But nonetheless I feel the need to say I don't know the future But the past keeps getting clearer every day ADULT ADAM: It was March 6th, 1980-something, and, after weeks of mending a broken heart, my brother was finally ready to get back to normal life.
Buenos dias, jota-te-pe! - JTP: Jota-te-pe! - Are we doing Spanish now? Elshut up-o, Mateo Bradley! [CHUCKLES.]
Gentleman, I know I've been distracted by the whole Lainey drama, but fear not, JTP.
I'm once again ready to sit upon my throne as your unstable leader.
My first decree, we shall playeth Smashball.
Ooh, we'd love to, but it's crunch time for college applications.
Oh Right.
College.
We are seniors, so that would be happening right around now, wouldn't it? Dude, don't tell us the whole Lainey thing distracted you from applying to college.
No! Don't be so stupid, Matt Bradley! - But I didn't even say - Bup-bup-bup-bup! Just out of curiosity, tell me everything about this application process so I know you're doing it right.
Well, we've really been beefing up our extra curriculars.
Naked Rob is an Eagle Scout.
It's the highest level of Boy Scout and the lowest level of cop.
Andy's a youth basketball coach.
Which is cool 'cause I'm taller than all of 'em.
And Matt Bradley's in the Big Brother program.
Jeremiah really stole my heart.
And I think also my car keys.
And I'm the treasurer for the Model UN.
It's really stressful, so all my armpit hair fell out, but it'll all be worth it if it impresses Dartmouth.
It's good to see we're all preparing.
Therefore, there's no reason to panic.
[SLURPING.]
Excuse me.
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES.]
I'm freaking out, man! Is that squirrel taunting you again? Apparently, I got so swept up in not getting married to Lainey, I forgot about the whole "getting into college" thing! Did you say "college"? I heard "college.
" Don't screw this up, moron.
Where did he come from? Dad, you gotta back off.
I don't even know where I want to go to school! That's where I can help.
Okay, I need you to focus up here, 'cause picking a school is not something you just rush into.
- Done.
I'm going to Tufts.
- Moron! You don't just open up a book and pick out some random school and say, "That's the one.
" - But it just makes sense.
- Why? 'Cause its name is Tufts, and I'm basically the toughest man in the world.
- Tufts, fine, done.
- Really? Hey, even if you got there the dumbest way possible, Tufts is still a great school, so I'm good.
So did we just decide where I'm applying to college? My son's going to Tufts! Hoo-hoo! ADULT ADAM: While Barry was getting excited about his dream college, my mom was just trying to calm her nerves.
I've been saying it since the first time I ran that stop sign, that intersection is an accident waiting to happen, and it's high time Mama fixes the problem! You could've been seriously hurt! How? I wasn't even there.
- But you could've been.
- That's true.
And, God forbid, you could've gone through the windshield like a delicious, little sack of potatoes, and, God forbid, a piece of glass - could have lodged in your brain! - Oh, no! Thank God the shard got lodged in a place where you're fine, - and they don't need to operate.
- Thank God.
But, God forbid, 20 years from now, you could sneeze, and boom! The shard shifts, and you're a veggie.
But I sneeze all the time! This is a parent's worst nightmare, and it's all because of a stupid stop sign! - What's going on? - We're making the very gut-wrenching decision about whether or not Adam should have surgery to remove the glass in his brain from a car accident.
Oh, my God! What do we do? Oh, I'm sorry.
Let me clarify.
Adam's fine.
We need another stop sign at the end of the block.
What? Are you kidding me? I almost gave Adam a hug.
I know, baby.
We're all scared, but Mama will fix this.
I'm gonna take this case to City Hall.
[CHUCKLES.]
I don't know if you know this, but I could have been a lawyer.
I think you've said it once or twice before.
I could've been a lawyer.
I could've been a lawyer.
I could've been a lawyer.
I could've been a lawyer! - I guess that rings a bell.
- It should, 'cause that bell rings constantly.
Well, as the lawyer I could've been, I'm going to collect evidence to support my case.
Adam, I need you to make a video documenting how truly dangerous that intersection really is.
Yes! I'll get right on it! Uh, what's my budget for the project? Schmoo, can you just film the intersection for me? Challenge accepted! I won't let you down! As my mom was lawyering up, Barry and my dad were getting down to the business of college.
Okay, let's go over what you need to get into Tufts.
Besides just being super tough? Uh-huh.
All right, first, your grades.
Oh, okay, you squeaked out a B-minus in English.
Wow! Straight A's in math and science.
All that math stuff just clicks, but English not good much.
Well, it looks like I'm gonna have to help you with your essay.
Or We freestyle my essay.
Check it out.
[RAPPING.]
Yo, Tufts I got the right stuffs Yo, Tufts I got the right stuffs Yo, Tufts I got the right stuffs You're just repeating the same thing over and over.
I got stuck in a rap loop.
I'm sorry! Okay, that does not help.
We really gotta wow 'em with your extra curriculars.
- All right, let me see your résumé.
- Boom! All you wrote down was "left-handed" and that you're an Aries? That's not exactly "boom" material.
That's all I got.
And technically, I'm a Pisces, but I don't want to be no stupid fish.
Damn it! All you had to do was play an instrument or volunteer somewhere, - and you did nothing! - I know! I'm not Tufts enough.
Relax, moron.
We'll just give your résumé a little padding.
You mean lie? Think of it like your mother's shoulder pads.
She wears them even though she still has shoulders, right? I bet she does.
So you're telling me you're okay with shoulder padding my résumé? I would do anything to get you into college.
- Come on.
- I'm serious.
This is legitimately the most important thing to me.
So you're telling me you would spend every cent you have - if it would mean getting me into a good college.
- Yes.
- What if you had to wear pants at all times? - Yes.
- What if the Eagles never, ever won again? - Yes.
What if the only way was for Tom Selleck to shave his mustache? [SHOUTING.]
Too far! You hear me? You leave Selleck's mustache out of this! ADULT ADAM: While my dad and Barry were formulating a plan, my mom was putting her plan into action.
Hello, Mr.
Schnitz.
I'm not sure you remember me.
Oh, I remember you.
You're the lady that comes in here demanding I help you because I'm city comptroller.
Exactly.
And things have gotten out of comptrol.
Again, I think you gravely misunderstand the reach the comptroller has.
Well, if you can't comptrol this city, then who can? You realize I am just an accountant? And I am holding you accountable.
Just tell me what you want.
I'd like you to take comptrol of a traffic situation heretofore known as Goldberg v.
Jenkintown.
Ma'am, this is just an office above a tuxedo shop, not a court of law where I can make any real - Exhibit A.
- Okay, sure.
This is the intersection in question.
Note that there are only two stop signs, but by the time I rest my case, there will be four.
- Exhibit B.
- Exactly how many exhibits are there? Behold, a scale model of our neighborhood.
And please note Exhibit C.
These are shards of windshield that almost had to be removed from my son's brain.
Oh, my God, that is horrib We decided not to operate - because he wasn't actually in the car.
- What? Don't worry, he's fine and super talented, which is why I tasked him with Exhibit D.
All rise.
- I really don't want to.
- Overruled! Again, this is not a court You know what? Fine.
Motion to get this over with, then.
You may be seated.
ADAM: The year is 2033, crime is at an all time high and volcanoes are everywhere! BEVERLY: What is this? We agreed you were only gonna film the stop signs.
Trust me.
You need to hook in the audience with a story.
The President's plane has crash-landed in Jenkintown.
That's the forbidden sector.
Only you can help us! Is that right, what I'm saying? Even though I only have one eye, I'll do it.
I'll save the President.
It's go time.
Nothing will stop me! - [TIRES SCREECH.]
- [METAL CRUNCHES.]
POPS: The President blew up before Snake could get to him.
The mission has failed.
I'm re I'm really not following the story ADAM: We need a stop sign.
Okay.
Well, I did not understand any of that, but I really would like you not to be here, so I'm gonna give you that stop sign.
So I won the case? You took comptrol of the courtroom.
Which is my office, so, yeah, sure.
Great! So just, uh, bang the gavel and make it official.
Well, I don't have a ga You know what? Let me just do this Fanta can.
Ah! We won the big case! Amazing! How did I play? Not great, but Mom was on fire.
I gotta admit, even if the whole thing is aggressively pointless, it's kind of cool you actually made a difference.
You know, this is really important to me, and I am damn tired of your sass mouth! No sass.
I know how hard it is to get things done.
I mean, I've been working on one song for the last three months, and so far, all I've got is Something, something, something And your friend Andre And that is not good.
- I mean, who the hell is Andre? - I think it's catchy.
Point is, I'm proud of you.
Oh, thank you, Boopie, and you know what? I've made a decision.
I am going to realize my potential as a potential lawyer.
Oh, my God, are you serious? You're damn right I am! Beverly Goldberg's gonna be a [BLEEP.]
lawyer! ADULT ADAM: Once my dad found out Barry's college résumé was light, he made it his mission to bulk it up.
The trick is to take a nugget of truth, and you spin it a little.
You do play a lot of sports, right? Hockey, wrestling, football.
Moron, if you played a bunch of sports, why aren't any of them on your college résumé? A variety of reasons, but mostly 'cause of unsuccessful tryouts.
So you played all three for a little bit, so you're at least a three-letter varsity player, and an MVP.
I never won MVP.
You never won Most Valuable Player, but "MVP" could stand for anything.
Like Magic Velvet Pants? Who wins Magic Velvet Pants? I don't know.
A genie? Should we put down that I'm a genie, too? Let's move on.
So we covered sports.
What about community service? I guess I am in the community when I'm walking around the community.
Wow, sounds like you're the head of a neighborhood watch.
And I do shout at dogs sometimes.
Seems to me that you train service animals.
I think I'm getting the hang of this, like that one time I played checkers with Pops.
I was basically volunteering with sad, old veterans.
- Perfect, throw more at me! - ADULT ADAM: And with that, my dad spun all of my brother's antics into résumé gold.
His bad BMX-ing became School cycling team.
- Goofing off in the gymnasium became - Gymnast! Trying to eat an apple in one bite became Head of the Isaac Newton Society.
Doing whatever this is became Gravity experiments elective.
- Just walking became - Hall monitor! His lifelong obsession with Donkey Kong became Unpaid assistant to a primate physician.
- And dressing as a pirate became - Pirate! Wow, I've led an incredibly rich life.
You're damn right you have.
Hoo-hoo! I'm a good dad! ADULT ADAM: While my dad was feeling confident about Barry's future, my mom was getting ready to change hers.
Good morning, your honorable smush bottom! Looking good, Mom! That's because today is the first day of your mama bear's journey to becoming a trial lawyer.
Well, I know you can do it.
I mean, who's better at arguing than you? Well, I did get this suit at half price because of a smudge on the shoulder, which I put there and later removed.
And those are the kind of questionable morals - that will make you an ace attorney.
- [WHISPERS.]
Thank you.
Okay, so here's what it takes to become a lawyer.
First, you'll have to get ready for the LSATs.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
Well, I can LSAT or L-stand.
I can do it all.
[CHUCKLES.]
Seriously, what is that? It's the Law School Admissions Test, which takes about four months to prepare for.
And after that, you apply to law school, which is three years.
Even for a proven legal eagle like me? I mean, I could've been a lawyer.
That's got to count for something.
It doesn't.
Moving on.
So after you graduate, you'll have to pass the bar.
Another test? I just took the "L" one.
And then you'll get hired at a firm and be an associate and work your way up the ladder until - Eh, Mama's out.
- What? I I think I'm okay just knowing I could have been a lawyer.
How can you possibly know that if you gave up after two minutes? Well, when you think about it, I already kind of am a lawyer.
Except you're not a lawyer, because you did nothing to become one.
According to the show L.
A.
Law, anyone can represent themselves in court, so that kind of makes me a lawyer.
No, it makes you a person who wants to be a lawyer but isn't one.
If I can defend myself in court, then you can, Daddy can, anyone can.
So when you think about it, doesn't that make us all lawyers? That is an incredibly dumb way to think about it.
Hey, I could've been a lawyer, so you show me the respect I could've deserved.
Read it and weep, suckers.
- What's this? - Oh.
Just the best college résumé ever assembled.
Three-letter varsity athlete? Captain of the diving team? Geology club? Dude, you didn't do any of these things.
It says you're the treasurer of the Model UN? I once gave that foreign kid who smells like beets a quarter to buy a donut, so that pretty much makes me official treasurer of the Model UN.
Except you're not 'cause I am! In the name of Luxembourg, I declare war on your lies! We don't have a real army, so it's more of a symbolic gesture.
Guys, relax.
- It's not like I'm hurting anyone.
- Yes, you are! What if your lies get you into a school over one of us? - Is that fair? - Okay.
You're clearly feeling a lot of emotions right now, which I can help you with 'cause I'm a peer counselor and a certified youth minister.
This is super not cool or chill, man.
Oh, come on, Matt Bradley! Where did that come from? Come on, guys! - JTP - JTP! J - [VOICE BREAKING.]
TP.
- ADULT ADAM: While Barry was feeling guilty about achieving his college dreams, Erica was hell-bent on getting my mom to reach for hers.
There she is, ready to fold my intimates.
Put down the basket.
We need to talk.
Erica, it's fine.
I don't need to be a real lawyer.
Okay, forget law, but there's so many other things that you're good at, so let's pick one of those and make it your thing.
Okay, like what? I'm glad you asked, because I made this A list of potential dream jobs tailored to your very talents.
For instance, diplomat.
Well, I do have a way of helping people - to get what I want them to think they want.
- Exactly.
And that's just one of many exciting options.
What about fashion designer? Mmm, my clothes are purely for fun.
I don't want to take the joy out of it.
Or you could be a gastroenterologist.
Speaking of which, how did that fiber-rich breakfast work out, hmm? Gah, I have so many futures for you on this board.
Just pick one and do it! Enough.
I'm fine just doing what I do, okay? I don't need some fancy job.
Yes, you do! Because if you give up on being a lawyer, which is actually doable, then what does that mean for me making it as a musician? Erica, me saying "I could've been a lawyer" has nothing to do with you.
Of course it does! I dropped out of college just like you, which means I'll just end up being a mom who constantly tells her ungrateful kids that "I could've been a rock star.
" I don't know whether to be offended or worried, but I don't like either feeling.
But it's true.
Becoming a lawyer is hard, and you gave up on it, like, shockingly fast.
And the truth is I'm doing the same thing with my music.
Ever since Lainey left [VOICE BREAKING.]
I haven't sung a single note or written any music or even touched my keyboard.
Schmoo, you've got it all wrong.
I gave up on being a lawyer 'cause that was never really my dream.
Then why do you always say it? 'Cause it sounds better than my real dream, which is being a mama.
[CHUCKLES.]
I'm living my dream.
If music is yours, you can't just give up on it.
I already have.
ADULT ADAM: After my brother talked to the JTP, he was starting to have some doubts about his résumé.
Unfortunately, my dad had none.
Dad, I just finished my college essay, and I think we should have a little talk.
- Oh, you should have a talk, but not with me.
- Huh? I've got an alumnus from Tufts here, and he's gonna interview you.
Remember my pal Formica Mike? [WHISPERING.]
Your furniture nemesis? I got his mom a great deal on a water bed, - so he owes me.
- But The JTP got me thinking, maybe shoulder-padding my résumé [WHISPERING.]
isn't the most honest thing.
I don't care what the PYT thinks.
You go in there and lie and make your dad proud.
Come on.
Here he is The future of Tufts! Murray, you may be right, if this résumé is to be believed.
And it is! I'm gonna get you guys some cookies.
Hydrox, if you got 'em! Hydrox is the Oreo of our people.
Uh-huh.
Listen, about my résumé Oh, your résumé, my gosh.
This is something special.
How does one person find the time? "How does one person do all that stuff in one year," you ask? Well Don't.
Don't ask.
Okay.
Wow, there's so much here.
Uh, you're an "unpaid assistant to a primate physician.
" W well, I love monkeys, so what's it like to work with them? It's good.
Care to elaborate? Uh, they love throwing barrels and stuff.
- Barrels? - Yeah, it's annoying, 'cause you just got to save your girlfriend and then jump over rolling barrels, but luckily, they break apart when you whack 'em with a mallet.
We're talking about Donkey Kong, aren't we? Yes! [GROANS.]
I'm sorry.
It's a lie, all of it! I I don't deserve to be in Tufts.
He doesn't mean it.
He's just being a moron.
- I do mean it.
- So no Hydrox? Look, I'm sorry I messed up my whole senior year and focused on the wrong things, but I won't lie my way into college.
I was promised Hydrox.
That's why I wanted you to read my essay.
It's not pretty, but it's real.
It's about what really happened this year, and [SIGHS.]
If the truth isn't good enough for Tufts, then I'll just have to live with it.
Whoa, what's all this? I figured it was time to pursue a new dream.
I thought you said being a mom was your dream.
And it is.
But you were right.
What kind of example would I be setting if I just gave up on all my other dreams? These are just recipes.
I've decided to write a cookbook.
Oh, my God, yes! I pitched you diplomat and not cookbook? What is wrong with me? Nothing! You still got me here! So, thank you, Boopie.
No need to thank me.
It's just good to know your dreams don't end with me.
And even better? Your dreams are just starting, and there's no way I'm gonna let you give up before you even begin.
I just picked an impossible dream, you know? Schmoopie All dreams seem impossible.
You've just got to put in the work.
ADULT ADAM: Seeing that our mom wasn't afraid to follow her dreams made Erica realize that her own dreams weren't so scary.
And with that, my sister was able to find her voice again.
Clock strikes upon the hour And the sun begins to fade Still enough time to figure out How to chase my blues away I've done all right up 'til now It's the light of day - That shows me how - [SIGHS.]
When the night falls - Loneliness calls - MURRAY: Hey.
I, um, read your essay.
Let me guess.
I'm a moron for telling the truth.
You really are, but I loved it anyway.
- Seriously? - Yeah.
It moved me.
Why? All I did was talk about getting my heart shattered and how this year was a total waste.
Barry, what you wrote was honest and real, and it shows how much you've grown, and that's more important than anything you can put on some stupid college résumé.
Important enough to get me into Tufts? You know, I think it's time we stop worrying about all that stuff.
But I know college is the only thing you care about.
You know, there's one thing I care about more you.
ADULT ADAM: And that day, Barry figured out that as long as you're true to yourself, you'll be successful anywhere you go.
Buckle up, baby.
- God knows what kind of drivers are out today.
- [SEATBELTS CLICKING.]
Good news is you got us that new stop sign.
Wasn't easy, you know.
Well, for you, it was.
You could've been a lawyer.
Oh, I wanna dance with somebody I wanna feel the heat with somebody - [BRAKES SCREECH.]
- Yeah, I wanna dance with somebody With somebody who loves me [BELL DINGS.]
Boom! Got it.
Add master of all cubes to my college résumé.
I never thought I'd say these words, but I'm incredibly impressed.
Dude, it's easy.
I just bought a bunch of other cubes and peeled off the stickers.
- Oh, so you cheated.
- Of course I did! You suck, Mr.
Rubik! I cannot wait 'til everyone forgets about you and your stupid toy.
Mark my words, that toy is more than a fad.
Rubik and his cube will be here forever.
- [GRUNTS.]
- I get the appeal now.