The Nanny s06e13 Episode Script

Okay, Fran, everything looks normal.
Now, I want you to know that in this stage of the pregnancy, it's perfectly normal to experience an increase in constipation, flatulence, or mucus.
Ginger snap? Uh, Dr.
Reynolds, I'm a little concerned about one thing.
When exactly would be the right time for us to stop having, um sexual relations? I'd say when the flatulence kicks in.
Doctor, is there anything special we should or shouldn't be doing right now? Well, I often encourage my patients to begin the bonding process by talking to the baby.
- Oh.
- Oh.
Right.
Well ( clears throat ) Ah, hello, fetus.
When you're ready, come out and meet us! I don't think I could beat that, honey.
Well, you know, hearing mommy's voice can be very soothing to the baby.
- Aw, did you hear that, you - Check the note.
We don't want him to hang himself with the umbilical cord.
Now, the sonogram is going to tell us the sex of the baby.
Do you want to know? - Oh, no.
- Yes! Honey Darling, don't you want to be surprised? It's the wondering and the suspense.
That's what's so exciting.
You know, I did the whole wondering and the suspense thing when I was waiting for you to propose.
I didn't care for it.
Doc, you know, I'm a little nervous.
How big do you think I'm going to get? Well, it's genetic.
Generally, your mother is a good indication of the size you'll be.
Well, we just solved the problem of when we're going to stop having sex.
She was working in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens Till her boyfriend kicked her out in one of those crushing scenes What was she to do, where was she to go, she was out on her fanny So over the bridge from Flushing to the Sheffield's door She was there to sell makeup, but the father saw more She had style, she had flair, she was there, that's how she became the Nanny Who would have guessed that the girl we described Was just exactly what the doctor prescribed? Now, the father finds her beguiling Watch out, C.
C.
And the kids are actually smiling such joie de vivre She's the lady in red when everybody else is wearing tan The flashy girl from Flushing, the Nanny named Fran.
So Fran, what do you want? A boy or a girl? Oh, I don't care, Val.
Just as long as it's healthy.
Oh, and it can wear that adorable dress! Well, what if it's a boy? Well then he'll just have to work it out on therapy, because he's wearing that dress.
Now, do you think this sun dress would look good on me in green? Val, those are baby clothes.
They don't come in your size.
Sure they do.
It says, "Size 9 in the color mos.
" Well, forget it, summer will be over by then.
Oh, Val, I'm so nervous.
In two weeks I'm going to take the sonogram, and then I'm going to know whether it's a boy or a girl.
God willing, it should only be healthy.
Do you know what I do when I have too many things weighing on my mind? What? I visualize a tiny housekeeper walking in my ear and cleaning out my whole brain.
I'd cut it back to once a week, Val.
Well, dad's trusting me to go check out colleges all by myself.
Now, as I recall, he never left your side when you went.
Interesting.
Yeah, that's because he's not the slightest bit worried that a college student is going to jump your bones.
Yeah, that's right.
Ain't going to happen.
Come here and show Val your Harvard brochure.
- Ooh! - Here, Val, there you go.
I remember how difficult it was, choosing a college.
Fran, you went to beauty school.
College, sweetie.
Beauty college.
You know, Fran, maybe you should go with Brighton on all these college tours? Yeah, you know what? I think it would take your mind off all your worries.
That's a fantastic idea, Val.
My mother's coming with me to colleges.
How happy am I.
Oh, you don't have to tell me! Look at his face.
He's crying.
Oh, honey, um, I decided to go check out some colleges with Brighton.
You don't care if I'm away this weekend, do you? No, darling, of course not.
- Oh, good.
- You go right ahead.
Why don't you make a long weekend out of it? You work too hard.
Who's coming that you don't want me to meet? Oh darling, for heaven's sake, we're married, now.
I don't need to continue to Lynn Redgrave.
Oh, I must meet her! You know she did all of those Weight Watchers commercials.
Which means she probably knows Fergie, who knows the Queen, who knows the President, who hangs out with Barbara.
I am this close! It's settled.
You're going to Harvard.
Yeah, and she's 29.
Let's just lump all those little delusions together.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, why must I look like Charles de Gaulle? I don't have time for you.
I'm being taken out tonight.
Oh, well in that case, I'll open the drapes and give the gunman a cleaner shot.
( Doorbell rings ) Colin, darling, I'll be right with you.
I'm just fixing my face.
Oh, don't bother, angel.
If Earl Sheib couldn't knock those dents out, I doubt you can.
( Both laugh ) He can go on like that all night.
Oh, yeah? Well, when your clothes come off, the insults just write themselves.
Man, look at all the famous people that went to Harvard.
I mean, you got John Kennedy, Ralph Nader, T.
S.
Eliot Who's Fred Gwynne? Hello? Herman Munster! Just hope they let you into this school.
Hello, hi, I'm Fran Sheffield.
Well, it's a pleasure to meet you.
I'm Dean Sterrett.
Do you know that you are the 4th man named Dean that I've met today? I happen to be the chair of my department.
Oh, do you do "Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves?" Check it out.
Now that is pure honey.
Oh, who? The blonde? Yes, she's a hottie, Uh-huh? No, the brunette.
Dean you mind if I call you by your first name? I just got to tell you that, um, well, my son, Brighton, is very interested in coming to Harvard.
Oh, well, best of luck.
Only students of the highest caliber are admitted.
Oh, not to worry.
I'll tell you, as far as being a Harvard man goes, my little B is the one.
He has been senior class treasurer, he's got great grades, and everybody loves him.
Brighton: I told you to shut up about her! Uh, plus, you know, his father is willing to donate a big stadium.
Oh, Mom, I'm going to go crazy waiting two weeks before I know if it's a boy or a girl.
I don't know how you waited nine months.
Well, we had our way of knowing.
If you carried high and in front, it was a boy.
If you carried low, and your tuches hit the floor you were a Fine.
So meanwhile, how is Harvard? Terrible.
He got into a big fight, he didn't tell me anything about it, he's been acting so weird.
You know, when I used to ask you personal stuff at his age, you would never tell me anything either.
Well, what did you do? Nothing, I really wasn't that interested.
You know, maybe all this college stuff is making him scared.
I was a little anxious about going to college myself.
Darling, you went to beauty school.
We carried books, we had pep rallies, it was college.
All I'm saying is the boy has never lived away from home.
Remember how scared you got just before you went to summer camp? That wasn't camp, Ma.
It was Aunt Miriam's trailer in Scranton.
It had a playground.
It was a sandbox.
You used it.
So did her cats.
Hey, Fran, I need to talk to you.
Oh, okay, sweetie.
Um, I don't want to hurt your feelings, but I don't want you coming to schools with me anymore.
Oh Okay, B, you didn't hurt my feelings.
God, Fran, you're not going to cry, are you? I don't know where else to go with this face.
It's just the guys said something about you.
Is that what the fight was all about? What did they say? I don't want to talk about it.
It's embarrassing, okay? God, I embarrassed my son.
What could I have done? Well, let's see.
Nanny Fine at Harvard.
The crème de la crème conversing with the cream de la rinse.
My guess is you said something stupid.
I think she's right.
Maybe that is what the boys were saying.
I embarrassed my son because I'm not smart.
Oh, my God, he was embarrassed by his mother, just like I was by I think I lost a grape in here.
Fran, here are the encyclopedias you wanted.
Oh, Encyclopedia Britannica.
I was really thinking about American information.
Fran, how come you're reading all these reference books? You know, I'm just trying to brush up on my education.
Did you know that you can swim the English channel but you cannot climb the Berlin wall? That's because they tore it down when I was 4.
What? Fran, these books were published in the '70s.
Oh.
Well, that explains the "keep on trucking" bookmark.
Oh, well.
What's the use, anyway? ( Doorbell rings ) Oh, that must be the almanac that I ordered.
You know, go, tell them that we don't want any, we appreciate it, thanks, but no, thanks, don't come back.
Hello, I'm Lynn Redgrave.
Thank you very much, but we're not interested.
We've changed our mind.
Don't come back.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh! Oh, I'm so sorry, Miss Redgrave, please, come in.
Oh, you know, she just has no idea who you are.
Never get tired of hearing that.
I'm sorry, I'm a little early.
I do hope Maxwell won't mind.
Oh, no, he'll be out any minute.
I'm his wife, Fran, and one of your biggest fans.
- Oh, really? - Please, sit down.
Now, you know, I love that movie.
"Every Little Crook and Nanny.
" Tell me, did you do a lot of research? You know, follow around a nanny, take notes? Oh, please, how hard is it to pretend to be a nanny? Not hard at all.
I'm so sorry about all the mess.
You see, I went away this weekend with my son to Harvard, because, well, I wanted to, you know, get away from my worries.
But I'll tell you, I made a big mess out of everything.
( Crying ) And I embarrassed him.
Because I'm stupid.
It's all right.
It it'll be all right.
I'm sure it will.
Would you autograph this for me, please? Oh, all right.
I mean, you know, for a child to be embarrassed of their mother, it's just killing me.
Could you rewrite the Fran? It looks like "Pran.
" Look, you know, if Maxwell is busy, I mean, I could come back another time.
Did I say I loved you in the remake of "Baby Jane?" Just rest your head on Lynnie's shoulder.
Oh, Miss Redgrave, please, maybe you can teach me something.
I mean, you're so classy and sophisticated and intelligent.
Did you think I was better than Bette Davis? Who? Come on, let's schmooze.
Niles? Niles, what's wrong? Oh, I hate Miss Babcock's boyfriend, Colin.
But don't worry, I'm a professional.
I won't let it interfere with my work.
Okay then.
Don't you want to know why I hate Colon? - Colin.
- Looks more like a colon to me.
Oh, my God, Niles, I think you're jealous.
You have feelings for Miss Babcock, don't you? Why don't you just come out and tell her? Well, I mean, isn't it obvious? I mean, what do I have to do? Hit the woman over the head? Actually, I've done that.
Oh, I'm useless, sir.
I've no reason to live.
Just fire me.
Oh, don't be ridiculous.
Why would I fire you? Because I just remembered Lynn Redgrave arrived an hour ago and I forgot to tell you.
You see, now you've got a reason to live.
Because you've got to start looking for a new job.
You know, darling, I could try to teach you, but class is really something you're born with.
Whiz me.
Oh, thank you.
The other good trick is that you start quoting from your favorite authors, Joyce, Kafka, Hemingway.
Seuss.
Fran, I don't believe I know him.
Oh, you'd love him.
Yes, you will.
You can read him on a yacht, you can read him on a hill.
He's very big with rhyming.
Pre-Nipsey Russell.
- Lynn, you're here.
- Hi, honey.
We were just Finishing.
Lynn, why don't we step into my office.
We'll talk about the contract, shall we? Oh, Miss Redgrave, Lynnie, what can I say? How can I ever thank you? Did you take my cheese? Just one other little thing.
When a guest borrows the cheese, don't ask for it back.
It's not classy.
Oh.
What the heck were you doing with her? Nothing, she was just giving me a crash-course in how to sound intelligent.
You know, Brighton doesn't want me going to Yale because Oh, he's just ashamed that I'm not smart.
Oh, that's ridiculous.
No, it's not.
And what if the new baby is embarrassed by me too? You are smart.
Look, when I have a problem, who's the first person I run to, hmm? Niles.
Well, when Niles is out? Oh, then you come to me.
Well, of course I do.
You have the kind of smarts no school could teach.
You're intuitive, you're insightful.
Well, who could possibly be ashamed of you? Ah, don't come in here.
All right, it's time I got something out of my system, Miss Babcock.
Oh, no, no, that's too formal.
Um, C.
C.
Look, I've known you since you were a little calf.
All right.
It's time I got something out in the open.
I, ah I think it's time you knew Oh, will you spit it out! Colin just dumped me, and I have an anonymous phone call to make to the IRS.
So you're not seeing him anymore? No.
Now what is it you want to get out in the open? You.
All animals should run free.
That isn't what you were going to say.
And why are you holding those flowers? I thought you'd like a snack.
You're wearing your fancy pants.
Niles has a crush on someone.
- Oh, do not.
- Niles and his girlfriend, sitting in a tree, D-U-S-T-I-N-G ( laughs ) All right, who is it? Her.
Just go with me on this and pretend you're my girlfriend.
Are you mad? I loved you in "Georgy Girl.
" Oh, rest your head on Lynnie's shoulder.
Oh, now, come on, B, you can't keep avoiding me.
We're going to have to discuss this.
Look, I know what you're going through.
I had my mother come to school once, and the kids said the same thing about her that your friend said about me.
( Chuckles ) I find that hard to believe.
They said she was actually hot and sexy? No, they said they never saw a back with cleavage.
What are you talking about hot and sexy? Well, that would be the G-rated version of what the guys were saying.
So that's what the fight was about? That I'm sexy? - Which boys? - Fran Oh, come on, let me enjoy this.
In a couple of months, I'm going to look like Shamu.
Oh, I can't believe I wasted two hours trying to smarten up with that Lynn Redgrave.
She's a cheese thief, you know.
Wait, what do you mean, smarten up? Well, I thought that you didn't want me going to Yale because you were ashamed of me because you thought I was stupid.
What gave you that idea? Her.
You know, Miss Babcock, for your information, I just found out I'm not stupid, I'm sexy.
Nanny Fine, don't sell yourself short.
You're both.
Well, I am smart enough to know I have just been insulted, and sexy enough not to care.
Oh, this is so exciting! We're going to see the first pictures of our baby! Stand up straight, and if you're a girl, arch your back.
Oh, look at that.
He's got my nose.
Actually, that's your reflection.
I haven't turned the screen on yet.
Now, before we start, do you want to know if it's a boy or girl? Yes.
My wife decided I want to know.
Okay, let's fire up the baby finder.
( laughs ) Oh, gracious me, what do we have here? What? What? Fran, I see four feet! ( Gasps ) Four feet? Oh, my God, how am I ever going to catch him when he's bad? No Fran, no, I mean twins.
Twins.
Twins? Are you sure, doctor? Absolutely.
I'm never wrong.
Oh, my God, look, I can see one of them! Oh! Look how fast they're developing! - Oh, my God! - Look at all those fingers! Do you see the size of that thumb? You know, I don't think that's his thumb, babe.
That's my boy.
Oh, and it looks like he has a little sister.
Oh! A girl.
- Or not so little.
- Oh? Looks like we have a little chubette here.
And that's my girl.
Fran.
Fran.
Doctor, I think she's just a little surprised.
I can't believe it.
We're going to have a little boy and a little girl.
Plus the three we already have.
Oy, what am I going to do with five kids? Hello world is a song that we're singing, come on get happy We had a dream, we'd go traveling together We'd spread a little love and then we'd keep moving' on Traveling along there's a song that we're singing Come on, get happy! We'll make you happy! ( Jazz music playing )