The Wonder Years s06e13 Episode Script

And so I figured, since the program was about Indians, that I should watch it .
.
e-even though it meant skippin' the homework.
Teen logic.
At sixteen, it was a tool we used with abandon.
Cuz, rememberyou said there'd be Indian stuff on the test.
And at what point did you realize that "Kojak" was not an Indian name? And this logic came in all shapes and sizes.
I don't care who he takes.
Who wants a steady boyfriend, anyway? We used it to help us through life's tough moments.
I mean all that making outjust gets your hair all sweaty.
So what's the big deal? It helped explain our behavioral oddities.
If they don't want a few laughs then they shouldn't hand out frogs in biology.
But never was out logic more useful, then when it lent creedence to a really hot rumor.
This is totally ridiculous, Chuck! I swear to God, it's true! Well, I'm sorry - the Rolling Stones do not come within.
.
three hundred miles of this town.
It was a dull week in the winter of 'seventy-three.
So the rumor had spreadLike wildfire.
I'm tellin' yaFriday night, the Stones are gonna be at a place called "Joe's", out on Highway 9! Right.
.
By junior year, I'd been down the old rumor-trailOne too many times.
There's no way Paul? Tell 'em.
It's a zillion-to-one.
It's not gonna happen! I rest my case.
Maybe I was a little tough on the guy But it was so clear to anyonewith even a semblanceOf intelligence.
Hey, you guys hear about the Stones? UnfortunatelyA semblance of intelligence was in short supply.
I don't wanna hear it.
OK, I'm sorry - I lost my mind.
Fine.
It's just that I heard, for awhile, that this Joe was like the sixth Rolling Stone, ya know? Great.
Insanity had taken over my school And the law had taken over Vine Street.
Oh, man.
Why don't you plead insanity, Kev? Shut up.
May I see your license, please? Of course, a situation like this required that I reach back for a little of my own teen logic.
You realize that it's impossible to go the speed-limit on this street.
Is that a fact? OKHere's the thing Grades are really important to me.
SoI was really trying to get home - to study.
BecauseI know thata lot of criminals got bad grades in school So-so that ifkids got better gradesBy studying hard Then there would be lessCriminals around.
Wow.
Yeah.
But when it came to logicSome guys had the knack You must make your parents proud.
And some guysHad the ticket.
Have a nice day.
All of which added up to one thing.
You had me sold.
Somehow, I was gonna have to explain this to - It was great! - My dad.
This guy, Zeke, comes in, with a cowboy hat, a string tie and he tells me he needs a truckload.
.
of furniture.
That's wonderful, honey.
It was our biggest order yet! Still, that nightThe furniture gods were smiling on me.
- Dad? - Yeah Yeah - this was gonna be a piece of cake.
Y- you know thats-stretch of road on Vine Street? WellYeah, I was driving there this afternoonand - You knownow it's like the guy wants to be my best friend.
I know.
His wife called this morning.
She did? They want to take usDancing tomorrow night.
Square dancing.
What? Square dancing? Forget it.
We're not goin'.
Suddenly, I watched his mood change faster than you could say "sons of the pioneers".
Are you sure, honey? It might be good for business.
Oh, brother Grab your partner - dos-y-do Sorry.
What are you lookin' at? Nothing.
Now, I may have been a criminal but I wasn't stupid enough to try my luck right then.
Nothing at all.
It just wouldn't be logical.
Absolute confirmation! Alright, Gary Zerwinski's sistershe's a, she's a stewardess, right? She met Keith Richards on a flight to New York last year.
Yeah - so, so? I don't believe this! Anyways, they got to New York, had a couple drinks.
.
Plural.
.
And now the Stones are back inthe US of A And who does Keith Richards want to see? - Shirley - Zerwinski.
Voila! I'd had enough.
I was the lone bastion of reason.
What?! You people are all crazy! Kevin! What's your problem? Huh? I mean, what if it could happen? And what if we could be a part of it? Now keep in mind this was my best girl.
My one true love.
Think of it Kevin.
A night we could share with each other for the rest of our lives! And maybe someday tell our children about.
Children? SoWhen she spun her dreams about magical nights, and miracles, and children I could never risk missing something like that.
What else could I say to those big brown eyesExcept Who's payin' for gas? - Alright! - Cool! There was a certain logic to this whole thing.
And what did I have to lose? Kevin? Is this yours? Except my life.
It went through the wash, and I - Honey, could you, uh Oh, what's this? It's nothing.
It's It's a speeding ticket.
Is this yours? I- I don't think so.
It's got your name on it.
Oh, yeah! Thatthat's mine.
You wanna tell me about it? Nope.
WellDad, you know Vine Street? Everyone speeds there.
I don't.
Stay out of it, Wayne! So, what happened? It's just Some tickets are really unfair! Yeah.
I know they are.
So how fast were you goin'? Well, that's the thing.
That cop didn't even have a radar.
He justguessed! Come on, KevHow fast? I figured this was my father.
He'd been in a few scrapes in his life.
He'd understand.
Justtell me the truth.
And even though logic screamed at me not to Fiftytops.
I went with the facts.
Fifty! In a thirty mile zone?! You're grounded! I may have miscalculated.
Dad, can we at least talk about this? I don't wanna talk about it.
- But - - I don't wanna hear about it.
- Dad, I have to go out tonight.
- Why? I knew I had to capture the magic, the way Winnie had.
This wasn't about one little night out.
It was about our dreams, our children.
The Rolling Stones are playing at some dive called "Joe's".
And, if that stirring tribute wasn't enough What was that? Hey you, Arnold! Get on out here! Whoa, Dad, uhRoy and Dale are here.
Great So, uh Dad - what do ya say? KevinI'm going square dancing And when I get home, that car of yours better not have movedone inch! Off its oil spot.
And somehow, I knew the man meant every single word.
He even said it in sign-language.
Right And there wasn't anything more I could say, except Hello - Mrs.
Cooper? I-Is Winnie there? I had no choice.
I would have to cancel.
And that's when I discovered a catastrophy in the making.
An event of monumental significance.
Potential disaster that could alter the courseOf the universe.
- And the reason was - We're out of milk.
We were out of milk.
But it wasn't just that we were out of milk.
If my dad got up the next morning, and couldn't have his cereal Things like this didn't just happen There were forces at work, here.
Forces that demanded I go out and - Winnie? I'll pick ya up in ten minutes.
OK - I'd get the milk afterwards.
That way, it would be fresher.
Hey, it wasn't like I was defying my father.
He needed the milk for his morning cereal.
And even if it was stretching teenage-logic to its maximum he had specifically said not to move my car.
And so that night, in a semi-stolen car We were en route to the experience of a lifetime.
Me, my girl And Larry, Moe, and Curly.
Hey, you want some? Hey - no food in the car.
This isn't food! Here.
- Thanks.
- Wups Oh, man - nice move.
Hey, come on, Kevin - lighten up, man.
Yeah - it's not like it's your car anyway.
Great.
I was growing concerned for my father's car And my friendsWere turning it into a cheap motel.
Soforty-seven miles, three pit stops, and any number of squashed Raisinets later? - We arrived at - - There it is - "Joe's Place".
Just one little problem.
The who? Not "The Who" - the Rolling Stones.
Hey, Joe? Ya got the Rolling Stones comin' here? The who? I reckon not.
And, faced with the first disappointment of the evening We did what red-blooded teenagers did best.
You mean we drove over an hourand there's.
.
no Rolling Stones? We turned on each other.
Well don't look at me - it's not my fault.
And then we passed the buck.
What? It's not mine, either! AndWe pointed fingers.
No way! It was Chuck! Hey, look at this! There're a whole mess of "Joe's".
Hey, you! That's my Yellow Pages! Woops.
Uh, yeah, let's hit it.
Bye! Come back here! Come on - gun it! And with thatwe were once again off on our mission.
Only this timeWe had company.
Pull your vehicle to the side of the road! I don't believe this! Holy Cow! It was almost ironic.
We had travelled halfway across the world To get busted for stealingPage two-hundred-and-nineteen of the Bell telephone book.
Kind of a jack-rabbit start there, wasn't it pal? Uh, uh No sir I- I meanyessir.
May I see your driver's license please? And no amount of logic was gonna get me out of this one.
I was stuck.
Dead.
Officer? I can explain.
Until This is all my fault.
Kevin is the best driver we know And, he was gonna stay home tonight, but he knew that if he didwe may have gotten rides to Go see my grandmother in the hospital With someone who isn't a very good driver at all.
And, I know he was afraid that we might end up in some terrible crash - or worse! Andthat he might spend the rest of his life wondering what might have been, if, only He had been driving.
It was the most obviously transparent clumsy piece of teen logic I had ever heard in my entire life.
OK, I understand.
You drive careful, son.
And he bought it.
Yessir! And take care of this young lady.
And you - say "hi" to your grandma.
It was incredible.
It was unbelievable.
It was impossible.
And suddenly it was clear.
That this night was special.
It was a matter of destiny.
Something magicalWas awaiting us.
And as we went from "Smokey Joe's" to "Billy Joe's" to "Joe Joe's" to "Ho Joe's" We never gave up.
Because it all boiled down to one thing.
The Rolling Stones I knew it! I knew it.
Would be at "Wally's".
And we'd found it.
It was amazing - our very own This is it! Woodstock.
This is unbelievable! I told you, Kevin - I told you! Yeah Each of us knew every moment of our youth would be defined by its relationship in time to this one.
It was our moment.
And we were there.
Mick - Mick - Mick There he is! Who is that? And of course it wasn't Mick.
It was Wally.
Now listen you kids - this is the last time I'm gonna tell ya! And his bullhorn.
The Rolling Stones ain't hereAnd they ain't gonna be here! And Wally let us know, in no uncertain terms, that the crowning event of our youth The only people gonna be here is the police! Was a bust.
Kevin, I'm really sorry.
Nah, forget about it.
What the heck.
This wasn't the time for "I told you so's" or rubbing it in.
No, you were the only one who knew how ridiculous we sounded.
Ah, come on.
I mean we came hereWe had a good time what more could you ask? Right guys? It felt pretty good.
I was was generous, I was non-chalant.
I was An idiot! Suddenly my goodwill ebbed.
Now look at what you made me do! Hey! We weren't driving.
And I no longer felt generous.
No! I was driving.
And you know why? I felt rage.
Because I'm crazy! I knew the Rolling Stones would never show up! On the way home, everyone was feeling pretty rotten Lost in their own thoughts about missed opportunities.
MeI just had one thought While the rest of the world would go on to college, have careers, jobs, familiesA life of their own I would be spending the rest of the seventies grounded.
Face it - I was a young man without a future.
And not only thatI'd even forgotten the milk.
My fate hung on my dad's rear end.
And as soon as he saw it No story, no taleNo ocean of logic was going to help.
Nothing would save me now.
Except Is everybody OK? Ho-ly cow I couldn't believe it! It was nothing but a mass of broken metal and busted bolts.
Boy, I did it this time.
Guess I'm just gonna have to learn to stop spinnin' yarns when I should be applying brake.
Yeah In one clumsy moveThe cowboy had given me back my life.
I bet she'syour pride and joy, too.
Yeah.
And of course, there was only one appropriate thing to say.
- Sorry, Dad.
- Yeah I'll tell ya what I'm gonna make this up to ya, western style.
Our place up north in Sorrowful need of furnishin' right now.
And we'll take all the furniture you can make! Ah What's a little bumperbetween friends, huh? - And just like that - I'm glad you feel that way about it.
Ah, sure Now, about that furniture My father's heartache turned to profit.
But the truth wasIt wasn't all this guys fault.
And somehow, I couldn't help but feel a little guilty.
You know, I feel a little guilty.
Why? Well, it's just thatI know that some of that damageWas already there.
Uh-oh.
- You do? - Yeah I ran into the wall at the market yesterday.
And that's when I realized There's all kinds of logic in this world.
Why didn't you say anything? I don't know, I Guess I just thought nobody would notice.
Norma, we're fixin' to leave, now.
We had a wonderful time, Betty Lynn And a lot of it doesn't make any sense.
That night, moved by the forces of teen logic, I'd stolen my dad's carHad a run-in with the policea fight with my friends And an accident.
All in allit was a great evening.
Even if there were no Rolling Stones.
Hey, Joe? Could I get some more volume? "Brown Sugar" - The Rolling Stones