Black-ish (2014) s06e14 Episode Script

1 DRE: Kids.
Tiny, fragile, needy.
But they are still capable of amazing things.
Alexander the Great was a military leader at age 20.
At 16, Greta Thunberg inspired millions to fight climate change.
She even sailed across the ocean to prove her point.
Louis Braille was 15 when he invented his reading system.
15.
And blind! Jack and Diane are Johnsons, so I can't wait to see how they're going to shake up the world.
Will you guys take us to the artisanal ice cream place - on Ventura? - Mm-hmm.
They read your aura and give you your flavor based - on the color of your soul.
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, that's cute.
- Okay, guys, we have to go through these bills.
You know what? But here.
Here, take that 20.
- Here.
- Go on your own.
Uh, pass.
I thought you wanted ice cream? Not bad enough to go by ourselves.
Come on, Diane.
Let's just get some fruit.
Thanks a lot.
Alexander the Great conquered the world.
These two won't even conquer the block.
Hey BOW: Hey, hey, hey.
Hang on.
Just because someone won't give you a ride, you're not gonna go? You said it's on Ventura.
W Just walk.
Uh, that strip mall's not fully gentrified yet.
W It's anchored by a liquor store.
That liquor store has a Michelin star.
You'll be fine.
I don't know.
- Anything could happen.
- Yes.
Anything could happen, and if you go with me, you know exactly what's gonna happen.
We're gonna listen to Jodeci's first album.
Huh? I'm gonna say, "What's taking so long?" And then I'm gonna get mad because they have a tip jar at a self-serve ice cream place.
Listen, if you want to have fun, you should go.
By yourselves.
We're in range for dinner.
- We'll just call it.
- Peace.
What the hell just happened? Where is their sense of adventure? Seriously.
When I was around their age, me and Sha we went to the recycle factory.
Ooh, recycle factory.
Okay, that's not the point of the story, Bow.
- Oh.
- All right? We were crossing the street, and as I stepped off the curb, I noticed my foot was on something.
I look down, and it was tickets to the Clippers' first game - in Los Angeles.
- No.
- Floor seats.
- [Gasps.]
That sounds like a dream sequence that was cut out of "Boyz n the Hood.
" Yeah, it took us two buses to get to the LA Sports Arena.
- Oh.
- We sat next to Donald Sterling.
- Ew.
- He did not like that.
- No.
- But the Clippers they won that night.
And in that moment, I became a Clipper fan.
None of that would have been possible, Bow, if I was not out there.
Is this why you're so upset that Jack is a Lakers fan? - Now, that is a betrayal, Bow.
- Uh-huh.
It makes no sense to just root for whatever team LeBron is on.
I wish that our kids had more of a sense of adventure, too, but you can't force it.
But it needs to happen now, Bow, because if it doesn't, they're gonna miss out on the fun of finding shortcuts through people's yards or or exploring abandoned buildings.
- What? - Or playing touch football - on the on-ramp to the 105 freeway.
- You're Those are all crimes.
[Scoffs.]
You didn't grow up in Compton, Bow.
As much as I tried to let it go, I couldn't shake the feeling that Jack and Diane were missing out on something that was critical to my childhood.
Gentlemen, Stevens and Lido is now a church, and if anyone asks, you are all men of the cloth and I don't pay any taxes.
Worked for Kanye.
Whoa, uh, Deacon Johnson, hello? Yeah, I would have thought you'd be more into this.
Oh, sorry.
I was I was just thinking about Jack and Diane refusing to go outside into the neighborhood in the middle of the day.
Is Sherman Oaks no longer a safe White neighborhood, or have more, uh "apartment people" moved in there? Nah, it's perfectly safe.
Kids just aren't built the same anymore.
It's the milk.
We had that good '80s steroids milk.
- Mm.
- Kind that made you want to fight your mama when you ran out of cereal.
It wasn't the same for Zoey and Junior.
You know, but Jack and Diane have grown up with all these gadgets and apps at their fingertips.
They basically never have to leave the house.
Smart phones make dumb kids.
Boy, there is nothing like a good adventure.
When I was a young lad, I once got lost in the woods for days.
Had to go house-to-house, surviving on nothing but my wits and the kindness of strangers.
Kind of like, uh, trick-or-treating, but to live.
God, that must have been so scary.
Oh, it was.
Turns out, I never left my family's property and everyone I met worked for us, but eventually, I ran into my driver, Tomathy, and he popped me in the back of the limo and took me back to the big house.
So That's nothing.
When I was growing up as a kid in Missouri, me and my best friend, we built a raft, and we went all the way down the Mississippi River, having all kinds of adventures.
That's just what happened in "Huckleberry Finn," Charlie.
- Mm.
- This is ridiculous, Dre.
Your entitled children are abusing your kindness.
Oh, i-it's a dangerous world, man, and Jack and Diane are not free-range kids.
Okay, now I see what's happening, Dre.
This is all your fault.
You have domesticated your children.
Oh, my God.
You're right.
Yeah.
They might as well be wearing those little shock collars that you put on barking dogs and carnival workers.
You know what? I got to go fix this right now.
Wait, what about our happy hour? If you don't come, it'll be a sad hour, and I've got enough of those, thank you very much.
I'm pretty sure you can find another sucker who has nothing else better to do.
[Laughs.]
So, she's 28, blonde, a lawyer from Ukraine.
I think it's gonna work out.
[Laughs.]
All right, next round's on me.
You guys want anything? - I'm good.
- Good one, man! I mean, you're hilarious, handsome, generous.
I mean, you're just the total package, huh? - But I'm good.
Thanks, anyway.
- You sure? - Yeah, yeah.
- You sure? All right.
All right, all right.
- [Laughs.]
- What was that? It's employee review time, and I'm putting all my money moves on Josh.
Sometimes you got to kiss the ring in order to get that bling.
You know what I'm talking about? You know what I'm talking about, right? Even less than usual.
I thought Stevens does all the reviews? No.
Everyone knows Stevens makes Josh do the reviews.
Josh is thirsty for friendship, and I am thirsty to get out of this crippling debt.
One time I went with him to a Laguna Beach cat show.
Got a five-finger bonus.
I think you mean "figure.
" I do not.
You could have used that money to pay down your debt.
You don't understand how finances work, brother.
You got to suck up to him, Junior.
Talk about his interests cats, poker, cats playing poker, poking cats.
That's how you get that bonus.
Hey-o! [Laughter.]
Hey, Josh, I hear you're amazing at poker.
I'd love to play sometime.
What?! I got a game this Saturday! - You should come play! - Mm.
Saturday.
I actually got a date on Saturday.
[Exhales sharply.]
Bring her.
Date night playing poker is so much fun, man.
We'll probably go all night, and there's like four guys.
They're kind of a good consistent rotation.
It's all the guys that I met online.
You know, I think I can reschedule.
That's great.
That's great! [Laughter.]
Hey, as Lady Gaga would say, bring your poker face.
[Both laugh.]
It was late when I got home, and I knew exactly where my unadventurous children would be.
Jack! Sleep is for the weak! - You're going to get some ice cream.
- No, run! Run, Jack! W-What's going on? It's 10:45.
Which means your ass has 15 minutes to get to Sprinkle Sprankles.
- [Grunts.]
- Come on! Hurry up! - Let's go! - I hate when Mom's on call.
Dad, this is ridiculous.
It's dark outside.
Yeah, this is when adventures happen.
Now, go out there and grab yourself a double scoop of life.
[Helicopter blades whirring.]
Ooh! Oh, lord, it's a ghetto bird.
Okay, uh, black-owned! Black-owned! Once the sun came up, it was time to set my kids free.
Okay, there are only certain things that you can truly understand until you experience them.
Have you guys ever been in a sewer? I have.
It was 1986.
Our ball rolled into a storm drain, and we climbed in after it.
You know what we saw? - Garbage? - Yes.
And a tunnel.
The tunnel only went across the street, but while we were in it, it could have went anywhere.
Uh, Mom, talk to your man.
Yeah.
Your dad is on one right now.
But, you guys, it wouldn't kill you to go out into the world and develop a sense of curiosity.
Put yourself in situations where you don't know what's gonna happen.
DRE: Yes.
You need to get out on, and up under, these streets.
You know what? Here.
Here.
Here's a hundred dollars.
- W - Hey.
Put most of it in your shoe.
Keep $15 in your pocket.
That's your "mugging money.
" We're gonna get mugged? - Ooh, if you're lucky.
- You won't.
You're more likely to get mauled by a dog.
You're not gonna get mauled by a dog, either.
Look, go out and have some fun.
Seriously, get some lunch, and don't come back for three hours.
Okay, but are you sure you want to do this? I might get a taste of freedom and never give it back.
- I'm good.
- Did he just call my bluff? - [Sighs.]
- We're out of moves.
You are definitely out of moves.
Hey, now, while you're out there, I need you to stop at the liquor store and pick me up - a package of triple-A batteries.
- Oh.
It's refresh season on the remote.
Also, got a sweater at the dry cleaner's.
- Could you pick that up for me? - DRE: You hear that? Your mama got a sweater at the dry cleaner's.
- Yeah, I just said that.
- Yeah, I just wanted to make sure they heard you, baby.
Okay.
All right.
Hey, there he is! Yeah.
Surprised that you have your weekend poker game at the office.
- Where's everybody else? - Uh bunch of "maybe"s turned into "hard no"s.
They could always turn back.
[Chuckles.]
And until then, we can play heads up.
That's how poker guys say "two players.
" [Laughs.]
Uh, great.
Deal me in.
Hey, that's the attitude I was looking for.
- Yes, sir.
- Okay.
It's a $200 buy-in.
Oh! Gosh.
I-I didn't bring that kind of cash.
Funny.
At work, you always struck me as somebody who's always prepared.
Guess I had the wrong read on you.
No.
No, no, no, no, no.
You had the right read on me.
I am an out-of-the-box problem solver.
How about I Venmo you the cash? I like the sound of it.
Now let's do this.
Do it.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
So, this is what they wanted? For me to try falafel? Because if they think fried chickpeas is an adventure, then I reject their authority to parent me.
Ugh.
What are we gonna do for the next two hours? I don't know, but we've got to come back with a story.
Maybe falafel's the story.
I'll just tell them I put too much hot sauce on it and it got in my eyes.
- Oof.
Classic Jack.
- What? We need a real adventure, not just some run-of-the-mill Jack shenanigans.
We need something big.
[Vehicle approaching.]
You know what? If they want a stupid adventure, we're gonna give them one.
We'll just ride the bus wherever it's going.
- That'll show 'em.
- Mm.
Great idea.
"Out of Service," California, here we come.
Classic Jack.
I fold.
You got me again.
You folded a pair of queens.
That's top pair.
You should have at least called.
Oh, that is a great tip.
You will never have to tell me that one again because I am someone who learns from his mistakes.
Love that about you.
I'm gonna go grab us some drinks.
You're a diet soda, five Splendas, right? You know my drink.
[Chuckles.]
Pow, pow! Yes, sir.
JUNIOR: Charlie? What are you doing here? It's Saturday.
So I'm cooking grits.
I like to make them here in the office because they have a bunch of stuff that I don't have at home, like electricity.
I So, I see you took my advice, kissing that ass to get that bonus.
Okay, I really don't like the way that you just phrased that.
I don't know how you do this every year.
I could barely make it through the morning.
Stop making a big deal out of this, all right? Stop treating these misdemeanors like felonies.
Go in there, make that lonely white man happy, and get your money, you hear me? Now, get out of here.
You're taking up my stir time.
Oh.
What do you say? A couple more hands? Eh, I don't know.
I mean, you really cleaned me out.
Oh.
Well, if it makes you feel any better, the money's going to a good cause.
I always donate my winnings to this charity that helps declawed cats get reclawed.
You should really come down and volunteer sometime.
- I don't know.
- Hey, hey, hey.
It's only every weekend for four months.
I really don't have that kind of time.
You got that kind of time.
Look, dude, I see what you're trying to do here, okay? No review is worth all of this.
I am done trying to kowtow to all of your pathetic little needs just because no one shows up to your poker game.
- I would rather be - Yo, sorry we're late.
- Hey, bud.
- How are you? Good.
Good to see you.
Who are these guys? I guess according to you, these are the poker buddies who fulfill my pathetic needs.
Hey, guys.
It was an hour and a half into my kids' adventure.
They were out there experiencing the world because of my good parenting, and I was pumped.
I can't sit still, Bow.
- Yeah, I know.
- Come on.
Hah! Wrestle me.
I already beat you twice, and in heels.
I love it when you wrestle me in heels.
- Oh, God.
Stop it.
- Especially when you put it in my back.
- Aah! - Okay.
But we got to do it quick, baby, all right? The twins, uh they could be back at any moment now.
- Come on.
- Nope.
They haven't even made it to the cleaner's yet.
How do you know that? Oh.
Are you tracking them? Of course I am, Andre.
There's no privacy under this roof.
If I can track you, I'm gonna track you.
Are you tracking me? No, baby, you're too smart for me to track you.
Oh.
[Chuckles.]
- I trust our kids.
- Yeah.
We raised them well.
It's everybody else I worry about.
- Me, too.
- You know what I mean? I just find it comforting knowing exactly where they are.
Wait, why are they in Van Nuys? - How did they get to Van Nuys? - Is that thing broken? No, Dre, because that dot's still over the house.
What? - You are tracking me! - Dre, not now.
Our kids are two blocks from a ho stroll.
Wait, why is it moving so fast? - Oh, God.
- Okay, babe, what Where did the dots go? Um, sometimes that happens when the battery's low.
So, we don't know where they are right now? No, not exactly.
No.
But, but, but, but, but, but, but our children are on an adventure in Los Angeles.
- Okay.
- And that's that we wanted.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
That That That That's exactly what we asked for.
- Yep.
That's it.
- Mm-hmm.
Okay.
So, everything is okay as long as they're home by 5:00.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- Right.
Right.
- And at 5:01, we call the police.
4:59, and the fire department.
- Okay.
All right.
- Yes.
Whenever we do find these kids, uh, I'm going to Best Buy and get me a new phone.
- Tracking me.
- Okay.
What My kids were off God knows where having an adventure.
Since there was nothing I could do about it, I went about my business.
But Bow was still out here stone-cold tripping.
Okay, call me back.
[Exhales sharply.]
Listen, I'm not worried, sweetheart.
I just want to know if the dry cleaner's still has that autographed picture up on the wall of Robert Guillaume.
Okay.
Yeah.
Call me back.
Okay.
- Okay, Bow? - What? All right, a few minutes ago, you told me if their phone's dead, they're not gonna answer.
- So, just relax like me.
- Okay.
All right, I don't need to know about things that I can't control.
Like, I don't need to know who shot JFK.
I don't need to know if there are aliens in Area 51.
And I do not need to know where our children are.
Then why do you keep checking the laptop? Because I don't know - where my children are, Bow! - Exactly.
All right, everything was fine until I knew what was going on.
If you weren't tracking them, I would be left in the dark, like parents are supposed to be.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! Are you blaming this on me? Because you are the one who forced our kids out of the house on an adventure! They were first-timers.
I sent them on a local adventure.
Mm.
No.
- You know what, Dre? - What? Maybe their phones aren't dead.
Maybe they are just underground in the sewer, where you told them to go! - We're home.
- Oh, my babies! Oh, my babies! Babies, I love you! Now, where the hell were you?! Uh, what do you mean? We're back early.
You guys didn't stick to the plan.
You were supposed to have lunch, pick up my sweater, - and come right home! - Mm-hmm.
Wait, we were? - Yeah.
- Were you tracking us? Well, apparently, your mama is tracking everybody - that lives in this house.
- I can't believe you guys.
This was your idea.
We didn't want to do any of this.
- Sorry.
- [Muttering.]
We We freaked out.
We were We just - But we're so glad we went.
- Mm.
- BOTH: What? - Okay, so you'll never believe this.
We got on the bus, went all the way to Hollywood, and we got off right in front of the wax museum.
Because we wanted to take pictures with wax T-Pain.
Mm-hmm.
And guess who we saw there.
- Who? - Real T-Pain.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
He was going to a movie premiere right up the street.
He let us walk on the red carpet with him, - and he also gave me this.
- DRE: What? - Oh.
- He told me to tuck it in on the bus.
Yeah.
And if you hadn't kicked us out of the house, none of this ever would have happened.
- This was one of the best days ever.
- Yeah.
Can we have another adventure tomorrow? - Uh - Knock yourselves out.
- Sure.
- Yeah.
- Great.
- Well, we only have to take five different buses to get to the beach.
Which basically means - we live at the beach now.
- Mm.
- Oh.
- Thank Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
- All right.
- JACK: I like it.
Huh.
- They're a lot more confident now.
- Mm-hmm.
There it was.
The independent kids I'd always wanted.
So why was I scared? Were you bluffing, or did you have a straight? - I'm not gonna tell.
- [Groans.]
Hey, Josh.
I'm sorry.
I messed up.
Charlie really got in my head with all that talk about sucking up to you so he can get a good review, - and I couldn't - Wait, wait, wait.
Is that why Charlie's always bringing me gifts? [Scoffs.]
He told me he celebrates year-round Kwanzaa.
Yeah, that's not a thing.
I mean, regular Kwanzaa's barely a thing.
I always thought that, but never felt like I could say it.
That's probably a good idea.
Look, Charlie is shockingly good at his job.
That's why Stevens lets him come in on the weekends to cook his grits, and that's why I give him a good review.
And that's why I'm gonna do the same thing for you.
'Cause you're great at your job, Junior.
Wow.
Um I don't know what to say.
Thanks.
Eh, you don't need to thank me.
And maybe I did come on too strong.
I'm just not used to having someone at the office who returns my texts.
Ah, come on, man.
You send the best emojis.
- Aw, thank you.
- [Chuckles.]
Once I figured out how to change the race on the thumbs up, I knew I was onto something.
Ah.
That's why you send black emojis.
You know I've been telling that Clipper tickets story for years.
By putting myself out in the world, I exposed myself to some things that I never would have seen otherwise.
Yeah.
That's what we want for our children.
Yeah, but in all these years, I never saw it from my mother's point of view.
Mm.
Interesting.
[Sighs.]
You know it's no fun thinking about your kids playing in a sewer.
- No.
No.
- Or packing themselves seven-deep in a Pontiac Bonneville for a joyride.
Seems so dangerous.
That's because it is dangerous, Dre.
But you were a dumb kid.
- Mm.
- You did stupid stuff.
- [Chuckles.]
I did.
- But thankfully, our twins are smarter than you, so the hard part is us allowing them the freedom to make their own mistakes.
Like your mom did when you went to the game.
You know, I was gone for 11 hours that day.
Ugh.
She must have been terrified.
Had she known where I was, she would have never let me go.
Ha! She would have whooped your ass.
- [Laughs.]
- [Chuckles.]
Yeah, she sure would.
You're not gonna tell her, are you? Good night, sweetie.
Hey Bow, I'm serious.
My mama she punches hard, Bow! - Yep.
- I - Come on, baby.
- Nope.
[Exhales sharply.]
Okay, you guys can go out every weekend, if that's what you choose to.
But you've got to stick together.
That's great.
Where should we go? Ooh, uh, what about that pizza place? The one with the square slices and, uh, the meatballs.
- Ooh, I love that place.
- Yeah.
Wait, why did we stop going? - I don't know.
- There might be an issue.
- What? - I went there late one night, and they were out of Parmesan, so - I'm banned.
- Seriously? - Should have known.
- What? Picture on the wall and everything.
- Hold on.
- Hmm? Is that why we don't go to the day spa? Refused to take off my shirt.
Farmer's market? Apparently, I over-sample.
- Uh-huh.
- What? You can go to all those places without me.
I'm going to! - You should.
- Your dad is a dummy.
And take my picture off the pizza wall when you get there.