Family Ties (1982) s06e14 Episode Script

(no voice) I bet we've been together for a million years And I bet we'll be together for a million more Oh, it's like I started breathing On the night we kissed And I can't remember what I ever did before What would we do, baby, without us? What would we do, baby, without us? And there ain't no nothing we can't love each other through What would we do, baby, without us? As you all know, Lauren is doing a paper on the American family.
And as you also may know, she's chosen us to be her case study.
So, I want you all to answer the questions to the best of your ability, all right? Um, Mom and Dad, uh, feel free to refer to any old photo albums.
Mallory may need the aid of a thesaurus.
Or, if Nick comes by, he may wish to express himself through cave paintings.
Any questions? Yeah.
Who said you can do all the talking? All right, all right.
Sorry.
All right, go ahead, honey.
Okay, are there any questions before I get started with my questions? Ooh! Ooh! Yeah.
Uh, Miss Miller, uh, you've picked us - as the typical American family.
- Mm-hmm.
Uh, does this mean you-you you find me to be typical? Because, uh because I've always kind of prided myself on not being typical.
You know, not normal.
You've succeeded at that.
Okay, Mr.
And Mrs.
Keaton, I'll start with you, because, after all, if it wasn't for the two of you, this family wouldn't even be here.
What does she mean by that? Because they're the mommy and daddy.
How did they get to be the mommy and daddy? They won a raffle.
Okay, when you first met, uh, did it ever occur to you that your life would turn out this way? I mean, was having a family always the main goal? Well, uh, when I met Elyse, it was truly magical.
The first time I laid eyes on her, I knew we'd be together forever.
I swear, at that moment, time and space did not exist.
Just us.
Is it any wonder I find him so attractive? (Steven chuckles) How come you didn't inherit any of your father's romantic side? Hey, come Me? You're kidding.
I'm-I'm-I'm on the FBI's ten most romantic list.
Violins play wherever I go.
Try leaving the room.
See if the music starts up.
Okay, so then, after the two of you met and you fell in love, did, uh, things go as you hoped they would? Would you say that your life is the fulfillment of a dream that the two of you set out for yourselves? But there were a lot of surprises along the way.
Can you give me an example? Well, when I found out that I was pregnant with Andy, that was a surprise.
A delightful surprise.
Hey, you okay? Hmm? Oh, sure.
I'm fine.
I just couldn't sleep, I was so excited.
How are you two feeling? Fine.
(high-pitched): Fine.
How are you? I had a little trouble sleeping.
I, uh I can't stop thinking.
About what? I mean, about what specifically? Elyse, I'm 40 years old.
I'm, uh, about to become a father again.
Last time I changed a diaper, Richard Nixon was president.
I thought I'd seen the last of both of them.
- You know what I keep realizing? - What? We're going to have to start watching Sesame Street again, Romper Room, Mr.
Rogers.
I like Mr.
Rogers.
Have to start going to the zoo.
Pony rides, birthday parties.
Sterilizing baby bottles.
Tripping over toys.
Before you know it, the terrible twos will be upon us.
Remember when Alex used to run around the house all the time going, "Mine! Mine!"? He never really outgrew that, did he? Seems like such a long time ago.
- You know, I've been doing some calculations.
- Hmm? When the baby's ten, I'll be 50.
- When the baby's 20, I'll be 60.
- Mmm.
When the baby's 30, I'll be 70.
to have a baby, isn't it? It won't be a baby when it's 30.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
When the baby's 40, Jennifer will be 51.
Steven, cut it out! I'm sorry.
I'm just not used to the idea.
Neither am I.
It's a nice idea to get used to, isn't it? I wish the kids were more excited.
Oh, they'll come around.
Who could not love a beautiful newborn baby? Besides, it gives us someone else to pick on.
You know, uh, there's one other thing about this we haven't mentioned.
It's going to be real expensive, huh? I find this absolutely the sexiest thing in the world.
Oh, hey, hey, hey.
Come on.
Cut it out.
Don't you know that's how you got into trouble in the first place? Alex, what are you doing up? How am I supposed to sleep, Mom? I'm about to become a brother for the third time.
It's not going to happen tonight, Alex.
It's not, is it, Elyse? I can almost guarantee it.
What's in the package? Oh, uh, it's, uh, something I picked up for the little guy.
ELYSE: Oh, it's so cute! Yeah.
Uh, pull the string.
TOY: I love Alex.
Oh! Isn't that sweet? I love it! Yeah.
You know, I think I need to get one of these for myself.
This little toy reminds me of when you were a baby.
Alex, do you remember that song we used to sing to you when you were little? It was your favorite one, and it always made you smile.
Yeah, yeah.
Uh We're in the money.
ELYSE: No.
Don't you remember? It was, um I'm a little teapot, short and stout Mom, get a hold of yourself.
Here is the handle, here is the spout When I get all steamed up, hear me shout Tip me over and pour me out.
This is going to be a long nine months.
We thought about having a little brother or sister.
We decided that it could be a lot of fun.
Yeah, the family needs a little shaking up anyway.
(plays gentle melody) Thank you, honey.
This is beautiful.
Look at it! Well, it's getting pretty late.
I think we'd better call it a night, huh? - Oh, yeah.
- Come on.
STEVEN: It did seem like a long nine months, but when Andy was born, it was an incredible thrill for us all.
Especially Alex, it seemed.
Oh, you know, Steven, he has your eyes.
STEVEN: Maybe those are my eyes, but that is your nose.
- I'd know it anywhere.
- (Elyse laughs) You're great, Elyse.
Oh, thank you, love.
Oh, so are you.
(knocking) Can we come in? We heard a baby.
Yeah, we thought it might be yours.
Come on in.
Oh, wow.
It's a boy.
Thank you! Oh! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Ah! Ah, yes, that was a magical moment.
Yeah, it was fun for me, too.
What was it like to all of a sudden have a brand-new baby in the house? How were your daily patterns affected? Well, all of a sudden, there were diapers to change, formula to make.
Oh, and rattles, first words and the constant squeak from that Jolly Jumper till I thought it was going to break off its hinges.
Babies have tons of energy.
No, that was Alex.
Yeah, I was I was just checking out the shocks on the thing, you know.
Making sure it was safe.
What was the thing that changed most for the rest of the family? Was-was there anything that you felt missing in your life? ALL: Sleep.
(baby crying) What are you doing? I'm going in to get Andrew.
Steven, that will be the fifth time you've picked him up since midnight.
Elyse, he's crying.
Honey, we've been through this before.
If you pick Andrew up every time he cries, he's never going to stop crying.
Does that mean, when he's 30, he'll still cry in his crib? Not if we bring him up right.
(crying continues) Elyse, how can you be so cruel? He's only been alone for four minutes.
Four minutes is a big chunk of his life, Elyse.
We are not going to spoil this baby, Steven.
Come on.
Let's go back to bed.
(crying continues) Boy, has this kid got lungs.
Oh, my heaven.
(crying stops) - Elyse.
- (gasps) Where are you going? I was going to straighten this picture.
- Elyse! - (crying resumes) Oh, he's still crying, honey.
I thought you didn't want to spoil him.
I don't, but I can't bear to hear him cry.
(crying stops) He stopped crying.
Hmm.
(all scream) (crying resumes) - Is Andrew up again? - Yeah.
We can't get him to go to sleep.
Oh, maybe we should sing to him.
Dad, we want him to sleep, not try and escape.
We should try singing.
We should try anything.
I've got to get some sleep.
ALEX: We'll sing, we'll sing.
Well, wait.
What are we going to sing? Something for a baby.
Hey, do you know "Let's Get Crazy" by Prince? It was our wedding song.
Come on.
Come on.
No, no, come on.
I'm not singing anything by Prince.
Come on! He's tired! ALL: Down by the old mill stream Where I first met you You were 16 STEVEN: You were 16 My village queen, my village queen Down by the old mill stream.
(Alex sighs) Good night.
(crying resumes) (all groan) Look, we can work this out.
We can work it out.
I know we can.
Now, what has stopped him from crying so far? When we went in there to sing, he stopped crying.
Go in there to sing stop crying.
When I brought him out here before, he stopped crying.
Bring him out here stop cry okay.
I've got it.
Come on.
What are you going to do? - Shh, shh.
- (Alex groans) Wow, what are you doing? Okay, take it easy.
That's my good boy.
That's my good boy.
Down by the old - Mill stream - (baby crying) Nice try, Dad.
Oh, yes, the song stylings of the Keaton family.
That that was quite a night.
It's getting late, Andy.
I think it's time for bed.
But, Dad, I'm the center of attention.
Well, why don't you go on up, and I'll be the center of attention.
Come on, Andy, I'll take you up.
Good night, Andy.
- Good night, Andy.
- Well, honey is it time for my personal history yet? No, not just yet.
Okay, well, you give me lots of warning, okay? Because I got to set up that whole slide show and We're onto an interesting area here.
The-the most recent addition to this typical American family.
Okay, as Andy grew, would you say the style in which you raised him was any different from the rest of the children? Well, actually, it was very much the same.
Oh, but-but as time went on, we started getting little hints that-that Alex intended to be more involved in Andy's upbringing than we had hoped.
This started very early on.
Okay, Andy, you ready? (Andy coos) Okay.
This is him.
This is the guy I've been telling you about.
This is everything you'd want in a president.
Alex.
Put this away you'll frighten him.
Ah, there you go again, Dad.
Republican.
ELYSE: And then there were other hints.
Things that were tough to ignore.
Who's that? - You.
- Who am I? - My mommy.
- That's right.
And who's that pretty girl? - Jennifer.
- Who's Jennifer? - My sister.
- That's right.
- Who's that? - Alex.
Who is Alex? Alex is king.
STEVEN: And after a while, we had to face the fact that we had another Alex on our hands.
Mommy, come quick gold closed at $4.
15.
Thank you for having him.
Ah, got to love that kid.
I got to admit their relationship is cute in its own weird way.
What's wrong with a little brother following in his older brother's footsteps? What's wrong with our footsteps? Well, hey, Dad, you know, he would've followed in your footsteps I just got to him first.
Why couldn't he follow in my footsteps? Oh, great, he'd be on a on a circular track to and from the mall.
What's wrong with that? His first words would be, "Attention, shoppers.
" Alex has, on occasion, uh, taken this "follow in his footsteps" business a little too far.
Moi? Oui.
I seem to remember Andy's first day of preschool.
You went a little overboard there.
Moi? MALLORY, ELYSE and STEVEN: Oui.
Andy, here's your lunch box.
Now, these are your coloring books and your crayons.
Remember, how do we feel about sharing? (blows raspberries) Attaboy.
Good.
Okay, now, you just wear this, and I don't think we'll have any problem.
Good morning, Andy.
Good morning, Mrs.
Kluger.
Good morning, Mrs.
Kluger.
I'm Alex Keaton, Andy's brother.
I'm Mrs.
Kluger, the director.
Right.
Oh, listen, Andy, I got to run to class now, but remember, tonight, we're going to go out, we're going to get ice cream, then I'm going to take you and show you how the automated teller machines work.
Okay? Remember who loves you? Alex loves me.
You know it.
So, uh how's he doing? Oh, he's a terrific child.
He's very sensitive and very thoughtful of the other children.
Well, I can't help that; it's my parents' influence.
You know, Andrew talks about you all the time, Alex.
Oh, really? Yeah, he mentions your name so often, you'd think someone was paying him to talk about you.
Mrs.
Kluger, do you mind if I take a little look around here? Oh, no, feel free we encourage visitors.
We're completely open and free here.
That's nothing to brag about.
So, this is the library? Yeah, and we try to fill it with colorful, interesting books.
We've got, uh, Old Charlie Goes to School, A Snowy Day, The Curious Cow.
Yeah, we've got that one at home.
Mallory's reading it.
My sister.
Oh, you've also got a sister in preschool.
No, Mallory couldn't get into preschool.
So she's going to Grant College.
Hi, Mrs.
Kluger.
Hi, Michael.
What does your patch say? I know how to say good-bye to my daddy.
Very good, sweetie.
Isn't that wonderful, Alex? What's so wonderful about that? I know how to say good-bye to my daddy.
You don't see me wearing a patch.
Well, we try to encourage Michael he's very shy.
This gives him a sense of accomplishment.
Well, I'm all for creating a sense of accomplishment, Mrs.
Kluger.
I just question your methods.
Oh, well, what do you suggest? Well, have you thought about dividing the children into different play groups? Giving them IQ tests? Well, Alex, we're trying to foster a noncompetitive environment.
Oh, come on, Mrs.
Kluger.
Join us in the real world here.
Do you see people out there who are noncompetitive? People sharing? People taking naps on mats? Steven and Elyse Keaton are your parents? Oh, Mrs.
Kluger, I got to go.
Um, I'm just going to say good-bye to Andy, - and I'll be on my way.
- Sure.
He's over there playing house.
No, no.
That's impossible Andy doesn't play house.
Well, of course he does.
See him diapering that doll? He's diapering a doll? Andy, what are you doing? Diapering a doll.
Where's your wife? Out working.
We're out of here.
Let's go.
You took Andy out of preschool? I brought him back.
Yeah, after the deprogramming didn't work.
So, Alex seems to be a little overzealous when it comes to Andy.
Well well, yes, I am, sugarplum.
Could you explain further this obsessive involvement? Well, frankly, it has to do with the way I was raised.
Excuse me? One thing you have to know about Mom and Dad is that they're not your normal parents.
He says the sweetest things.
Well, what I mean is they really got involved in everything we did.
Sometimes a little over-involved.
Can anyone cite an example? - More popcorn? - Uh There was this time that Dad felt he wasn't spending enough time with me, so he decided to become my buddy.
ELYSE: Oh, right.
Everybody down, low bridge For we're coming to a town And you'll always know your neighbor You'll always know your pal if you've ever navigated On the Erie Canal.
WOMAN: All right! (all clapping) Well, what do you say, Dad? Do you want to go now? We've been here three minutes, Jennifer.
All right, that was very nice singing, girls.
And now onto the new business.
I would like to welcome all the moms and the dad.
Mr.
Keaton, nice that you could come, sir.
Uh, thank you, Mrs.
Carpenter.
I feel very much at home.
In fact, I'd like to give you all a warm Sunflower Dad! Well.
Now it's time for the round table.
- Oh, what's that? - Well, once a month, we discuss some topic of interest to the Sunflower Girls.
Oh, great, I'm-I'm all ready camping, boating, hiking? Today we're going to talk about sex.
I'm your guy.
Did you say "sex"? Mm-hmm.
Dad, maybe you should go, really.
Nonsense, Jennifer.
I'm a Sunflower Dad.
I think I can handle a a mature discussion about, uh, what she said.
WOMAN: Now, we're going to discuss our bodies as they blossom into womanhood.
And about boys and their bodies as they burst into manhood.
I know that some of you have already gone out on dates with boys, and I want to talk about first experiences.
And I want the younger girls to benefit from you older girls.
So we're going to go around the room starting with you, Shelly.
Well, on my first date, I went out with a guy in my class.
I'm not going to name names, but Was it Larry Barker? That's right.
Anyway, I went out with Larry, and all he wanted to do was fool around.
What do you mean by "fool around"? I mean he wanted to touch my body as it blossomed into womanhood.
Boys are only interested in one thing: Sex.
Right, Mr.
Keaton? Well well, uh - Wh-What's your name? - Alice.
Well, Alice, some boys are very interested in sex.
Were you? Well, um, when I was a boy, I was interested in a lot of things.
Was sex one of them? Well, I was interested in, uh, baseball, basketball, football.
You're not answering the question.
Get off my back, will you? I don't want to lie to you, uh, Alice.
Uh (laughs) I admit, there there were some, uh, girls, uh, that, uh I remember Marjorie McCracken.
Boy, she had a body on her.
Dad, I can't believe you're talking about this stuff.
What can I do? She was hounding me.
Dad, you're really embarrassing me.
This is not the place for you to be.
Why do you say that? Look around you, Dad.
Do you see anyone else here who shaves? Jennifer, I just want to spend some time with you.
I'm sorry, Dad, but this isn't the right place.
If you don't leave, I will.
I have to say I learned a lot from that meeting.
Me, too.
Like don't ever be seen with your father in public.
I think it's a lovely thing your father did.
It shows what kind of dad he is.
He's not a stay-at-home dad.
Dad, in the future, do us a favor stay at home.
Can you think of other ways that your father embarrassed I-I mean got involved in what you kids were doing? Nothing specific, but he was always involved.
Mom, too.
What would you say is the key to the closeness that you have with your parents? Honesty.
Yeah.
Talking out problems.
Financial dependence.
And honesty and talking out problems.
Well, we made a decision a long time ago that if anyone had a problem, they would come to us and we would talk about it.
- And that works for you? - Definitely.
Um, well, sometimes it's a hard thing to do.
Like the time I had to tell Mom and Dad that I might not graduate from high school.
Hi, honey.
I had the dress altered for you.
I'm so excited you're going to be wearing it to your graduation.
This really means a lot to me.
Uh, what do you think of this frame, Mal? I think your diploma will look great in here.
Oh, it looks nice the way it is, Dad.
Do you want to try this on now? Uh, no, Mom.
There's plenty of time for that.
No, there isn't.
Mom, there's time.
Trust her.
Come on, Jen.
(Alex whistling) Mom, Dad, there's something I have to tell you.
This isn't easy for me, and it's not going to make you happy.
I don't like it any more than you will.
You know, I don't know why we're going to put ourselves through this.
In fact, I don't know why we're having this conversation.
I'm a little fuzzy on it myself.
Okay, I'm failing history.
Unless I get a "B" on my final, which is not likely, I'm not going to graduate.
Not graduate? Why is this the first we're hearing of this? I didn't mention it before? No.
I guess I was hoping it wouldn't come to this, that I'd get that diploma somehow.
Well, how did you plan on getting this diploma, Mal, by going to the mall four nights a week? By spending all that time with Nick? By talking on the phone all hours? Okay, that didn't work.
I'm real glad you can see the humor in this, Mallory, because I can't.
What do you want me to do? I want you to start taking things seriously.
- I want you to grow up! - Mom, don't yell at me.
- I feel bad enough already.
- Well, sometimes I have to yell at you; it's the only way I can get through to you these days.
All right, come on, come on, getting all upset isn't going to help, Elyse.
How could you do this, Mallory?! I didn't want to.
Can't you bring the grade up at all? I don't know.
My teacher is so unfair to me.
I asked her if I could do extra credit.
She said, "No, Mallory.
You have to get a 'B' on the final or else.
" There's no way I'm going to be able to do that.
There's still time.
Come on, Mom, I can't learn a year's worth of work in four weeks.
Can't you guys talk to Mrs.
Hillman for me? Well, fine, what are we going to say? That she should let you graduate even though you haven't done the work and you don't deserve it? Okay, but put it in your own words.
If that's your attitude, just fine.
Don't graduate.
What do you want me to do? Look, I think your only choice now is to sit down and study as hard as you can.
Dad, what would be the point? I'd still flunk.
I'm not smart.
There's no way I can do this.
You are smart, Mallory.
You just don't apply yourself.
Your teachers have always said that.
Look, if you give up on this, you're not even giving yourself a chance.
Now, this time, it's too important.
(sighs) I'm scared.
You have no choice.
MALLORY: Well, I hit the books like I never did before, and by the time the big exam came, I thought I was ready.
So, have you been studying? Yes, a lot.
Good.
- Well, good luck.
- Thank you.
Okay, I'm going to ask you six questions.
I want you to think about what you're going to say and be brief and to the point.
You ready? Uh-huh.
Okay.
What was the Louisiana Purchase, and how did it affect Thomas Jefferson's presidency? Well, Thomas Jefferson wanted some land, and, uh, Napoleon had some.
Uh, so he finally bought it for $15 million, which wasn't a bad price, considering it was from France.
I thought you said you studied.
I did.
That answer was gibberish.
Now tell me the answer in clear and coherent English.
I don't know what you mean.
Well, then you're going to flunk, - and you won't graduate.
- Mrs.
Hillman When are you going to drop this charade and start acting like an intelligent young woman? I'm doing the best I can.
Well, Mallory, if this is the best you can do, then obviously I've overestimated you.
How can you say that? I've been studying my head off for four weeks.
What do you want from me? An intelligent answer.
Now, come on.
How did the Louisiana Purchase affect Thomas Jefferson's presidency? Tell me what you think, intelligently.
Can you do that? Or would you rather The Louisiana Purchase was difficult for Jefferson because he supported states' rights, and when he made the purchase, he was doing more for federal powers so he lost political backing for the people involved in states' right.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean that.
Mallory, that's what I want from you.
Now, that was an intelligent answer.
It was? Yes, it was.
And that is the story of how I got to Grant College.
Grant College, where the school motto is, "Get left back, win a free pie.
" Hello, everybody.
Hey, hello, hello.
Look, another Grant College, dare we say, student.
What brings you by, Skip? Nothing, just a slow night at my house.
My mother's playing mah-jongg, and my dad's cleaning the furnace with an electric toothbrush.
Same old stuff.
What's going on here? I'm interviewing the Keatons on what it's like to be a typical American family in 1987.
Oh, well, then, Lauren, you might want to interview me, too.
I mean, having lived next door to the Keatons for so many years, I've felt just like part of the family.
- Really? - Yes.
Alex and Jen and Mallory have always treated me like a brother.
And Mr.
And Mrs.
Keaton have always treated me like the son they never had.
Thanks, Skip.
This isn't cutting into my time at all, is it? No, it's fine.
Everyone's going to have their chance to speak.
All right, go ahead, Skippy.
Um, can you remember a specific time when the when the family embraced you and included you as one of its members? Did we do that? Now that you mention it, I-I can.
It was when I-I first found out that (whispering): I was adopted.
You're adopted? Yes.
(whispering): Skippy we all know.
Well, anyway, the news was rather shocking, but with the encouragement of the Keatons, I decided to go see my natural mother.
But it didn't turn out as great as I'd hoped.
She didn't want me back in her life.
When we got back here, I was crushed.
Alex, I'm in a daze.
I'm stunned.
My mother rejected me again.
My mother never would have acted that way.
That's just the point, Skip.
See, she wouldn't have done that because she is your mother.
She loves you.
Wait a minute, which mother are you talking about? I'm talking about your mother.
N-Not not the one from today, but your other mother, your real mother.
The one from today is my real mother.
Well, that's true, but I was referring to the mother that you thought was your real mother until a few days ago.
You mean my mother.
That's what I said, Skip your mother.
When you said my mother, I thought you meant my mother, as in the one who was my mother first.
No, no, I'm talking about your other mother.
Not the mother who who knew you first; the mother that you knew first.
Got it.
What about her? Look, Skip, all all I'm trying to say to you is this.
Your mother didn't reject you.
The woman who gave birth to you rejected you.
You mean my mother? Let's not start this again, Skip.
Look, when you were seven years old and you got your head caught in the banister, who got you loose? My mom.
Which mom? The one that raised me.
Mrs.
Handelman.
That's right.
And when you were 13 years old and you got your head caught in the banister who got you loose? That time, it was my dad.
Um, Mr.
Handelman.
Skip, if it wasn't for those two people, your head would be stuck in that banister right now.
It's true.
See, the woman you met today is your natural mother, and-and there's a guy out there who is your natural father, but they haven't been a part of your life for 16 years.
They-they've had no role in-in nurturing you, in molding you, in-in caring for you.
They, uh they created a baby, but they had no part in creating the human being that's Irwin N.
Handelman.
Oh, even so, Alex, how would you feel if you found out that your mom and dad aren't your natural parents? It would explain a lot of inconsistencies in my family.
Look, what it gets right down to, Skip, is: The people who are most important in your life are the people who love you and the people who care about you, and you've got those people just as much as I do.
(indistinct chatter) (clears throat) You're home.
Yeah, just got back.
Uh, we would have been here sooner, but we got stuck at the Wilson Interchange.
I was worried you might.
They ought to put better signs up there.
So, how'd it go, baby boy? You don't have to call me that anymore.
Did you meet her? Yeah, I met her.
She was pretty nice.
I see.
Alex met her, too.
Yeah, yeah, she was, uh she was nice.
Well, I'm glad your real mother's nice.
You're my real mother.
Oh, Mom.
Hey, what about me? You're my real dad, Dad.
(laughter) Let's go home and have real dinner.
Let's go home.
I just said that.
Oh, yeah.
Honey, tell me and you can be completely honest with me, okay? Are we ever going to get to my personal history? I'm afraid not.
Okay, okay.
That's fine.
Don't pout.
I'm not.
I'm not.
I have the slide projector set up, everything.
I just think that we've discovered a very interesting area here.
More interesting than me? Have you seen my baby pictures? You know, what I think is interesting is that in all this, there seems to be a sense of responsibility that that bonds this family together.
I mean, whoever's in need, they-they always have someone to go to.
We try to be there for them to, uh to guide them, to nurture, to support them.
Children need their parents.
Well, Dad, I mean, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
It's not just a one-way street here.
I mean, there have been times that you've come to me for help.
Real? Oh, I don't remember that.
Well, I do.
Well, can anyone cite an example of when one or or both of your parents came to you for help? - Ooh, ooh.
- I've got a great one.
Alex? Okay, all right.
Uh, Dad, remember that time that-that-that-that old flame of Mom's came into town? They went out for dinner, and-and you got so jealous you made a fool of yourself? I don't So, what are you doing here? I thought you and Mom were going out with Richie tonight.
We did.
What happened? Well, I embarrassed your mother, I embarrassed myself, I embarrassed an old friend, and as far as I can tell now, I'm probably completely wrong.
So it's nothing new, then.
Well, I mean, you know, it's nothing you haven't been through before.
I guess not.
Listen, Dad, you know, you always told me that it takes a big man to admit when he's wrong.
Mm-hmm.
And to always try and keep a perspective on things.
Uh-huh.
- To always respect the other person's point of view.
- Right.
- To understand your own motivations - Right.
control your own worst instincts.
- Yeah.
- To always rise Enough! I'm sorry.
You're right.
Don't worry, Dad.
You're going to pull through this.
And, uh, when you talk to Mom cry if you have to.
You know, women like that.
It's no skin off your back, and they think it's sensitive.
How did my little prank go over? How could you do this, Steven? I thought we had a bond of love and respect between us, an understanding that would preclude anything like this from ever happening.
I'm insulted that you obviously don't feel the same way.
I do feel the same way.
Oh, really? Well, you have an interesting way of showing it.
Embarrassing and insulting me and a dear old friend in a public place.
Steven I'm not saying there isn't room for improvement.
Steven, stop it! What you did tonight was absolutely indefensible! I'm so sick and tired of it.
I-I don't want to hear another word about it.
Elyse, I'm sorry, but I only did this because you're the most beautiful, exciting woman I've ever met.
And sometimes the passion I feel for you is so great, it, it makes me crazy.
I'm listening.
Do you remember, the first day we met, freshman year, you were lost, you couldn't find your class? I had a map.
Unfortunately, it was a map of Spain.
So, so we spent the day wandering around the town, getting ice cream, uh, browsing through bookstores falling in love.
Oh, you were so beautiful.
You still are.
And even after all these years, after all we've been through, after everything that's happened, I still can't believe you picked me! Go on.
Don't you see what I'm saying, Elyse? When, when Richie came here and and I found out about the two of you, it just went right to the heart of all the insecurities I've ever had about myself.
And about whether I'm, uh, good enough for you.
Steven, what do you think I've been doing all these years? Biding my time till I found someone I really liked? I don't want to become one of those couples, Elyse.
The ones that have settled, grown tired, bored, where everyone else is more exciting than the person they're married to.
I don't want that either, Steven! I want there to be romance, bells going off, quickened pulses when I walk through that door.
I want that look, that look is mine.
What look?! My look.
The one that's supposed to be only for me.
The look that tells me that we're really meant to be together; that I'm the one.
I have a look that says all that? Yeah, I showed it to you yesterday! I can't do it.
You do it! Now you look like Daffy Duck.
Steven, forget the look.
The look isn't important.
What's important is is that we trust each other.
You're my best friend, Steven.
I rely on you.
I want you to rely on me.
I love you, Steven.
Let's go upstairs.
Why go upstairs Captain Romance? That's the look.
Get a camera.
- You really do love me, huh? - Mm.
Quick, somebody stop them before they start kissing.
Get a bucket of water or bang on some cymbals or something.
My parents never kiss in front of me.
At their most romantic, they might rub noses or pull each other's hair.
Well, I think that's all the time that we have for tonight.
(scoffs) Alex, I'm going to take your baby pictures home.
I'm going to look at them later.
It's not the same.
Who's going to be there to-to "Ooh"? Who's going to be there to "Ah"? I really want to thank you all for taking the time to share your views and experiences with me.
It's been very enlightening.
Well, I think the pleasure's been ours.
I really enjoyed this little trip down memory lane.
All right, in closing, if you had to pick one word that means family to you, what would it be? Love.
Love.
- Love.
- Love.
Money.
Love of money.
Love.
Love.
I don't think you can sum up family.
It's a web of interchanging and always-changing relations and emotions.
Come on, Alex.
You're his big brother.
- You set a good example for him.
- Mom, no, this is ridiculous.
Show him! Okay, watch Alex, Andrew.
Okay.
Now the mama bird flies back to her nest.
And the baby bird opens up his mouth so big Come on, Alex, open your mouth, Alex.
Open.
Would you open your mouth, Alex! Hi, guys.
I can't get either one of them to eat! Dad, we need a new mom.
This one's had it.
Do you know what it means that we're brothers? It means that I have to do everything that you say.
That's a big part of it, yep.
If you want to fit in around here, Nick, you got to look like me, you got to act like me, you got to talk like me, you got to be another me.
Okay, I'll do it.
I'll do it because I love Mallory.
Why do you do it? All right, all right, okay, Jennifer.
All right.
I've tried to appeal to your sense of compassion.
I have no other option.
Ten dollars.
- $20.
- $12.
- $17.
- $14.
50.
- $15.
75.
- $15.
25.
- $15.
50.
- Done.
You guys are really something, you know that? You're a very special couple.
You do things together.
You, you learn from each other, you share things.
Common interests.
You like being with each other.
What's your secret? I never get my way.
Do you know that I used to sit around just thinking about what it would be like if we got married? (coughs) Married? Yeah! Yeah, I had the whole thing planned out.
A-A big ceremony at night under a big tent.
Like a circus? Exactly.
But instead of walking down the aisle, I'd get shot out of a cannon toward the altar.
And then, uh, we'd go on our honeymoon.
We'd go to Paris, where we'd spend our evenings dining alone on the banks of the Nile.
Skippy the Nile's in London.
Mallory, if we've given Alex more freedom in his personal life, it's only because he's a boy and you're a girl! Go ahead.
I'd like to hear the rest of that.
I can't believe you just said that, Dad.
- Mal - Hang tough, hang tough.
Looking good.
This is really nice.
Uh, you guys eat like this all the time? You mean with utensils? Ow! What is this?! I found it in the shower! That's generic-brand shampoo.
(shrieks) It's family, Alex.
You can't escape it.
Yeah.
I'm hip.
I'm cool.
I'm a happening fool.
I want to slow this thing down, Elyse.
Going too fast.
Yesterday Jennifer was two.
Today she's 11.
Alex is 18.
What the hell's going on here? It's life.
That's what's going on here.
I love you all so much.
- I love you.
- I love you.
I love you.
I love you, honey.
Alex loves me.
I love you, Dad.
I love you more every day.
I love you, too, Steven.
Everything I care about, really, really, care about is in this house.
MALLORY: Just think about how we just love each other.
Just remember those things.
We do.
MAN: Sit, Ubu, sit.
Good dog.
(Ubu barks)