Mom s06e14 Episode Script

1 - Hi.
Tammy, alcoholic.
- Hi, Tammy.
Whew.
I'm still a little rattled.
(chuckles) I'm standing in line at the salad bar today, and there's this cop behind me.
So, of course, fresh out of jail, I get paranoid.
My hands start shaking, chickpeas rolling off the plate.
(sighs) Freaked me out so much, I left without getting any of those itty-bitty corncobs, which is the whole reason I went.
I mean, am I gonna spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder, afraid they're gonna lock me up again? I can't go back to jail.
There's no tiny corn there.
And people stab you.
Anyway, thanks.
Would anyone else like to share? Hi.
Christy, alcoholic.
GROUP: Hi, Christy.
I was so not planning on coming to the meeting today.
I mean, I had no school, no work, and all I wanted to do was lie on the couch and binge-watch Chopped.
P.
S.
I would be great on that show.
I can't tell you how many times I've opened up the fridge and all I had was gummy bears, tortillas and mustard.
That was a challenging Thanksgiving.
(sighs) But next thing I knew, I was putting my shoes on, getting in the car and driving here.
(chuckles) I can't believe it; I have sober feet.
(chuckling) They know where I'm supposed to be, even when I don't want to be there.
Sober feet.
Anyway, that's all.
Really glad to be here.
(chuckles) (applause) - Anyone else? - I'll go.
- Hi.
Bonnie, alcoholic.
- GROUP: Hi, Bonnie.
Well, my fiancé's bar has finally turned a corner.
So, with Adam busy, I have a lot of time to myself, which, when I drank, could be dangerous, but now is kind of nice.
I can eat what I want, see any movie I want.
By golly, for the first time in my life, I get to be a little selfish.
Too easy.
Come on.
"Sober feet.
" That's recovery gold right there.
But I look over at Nora, I get nothing.
Not a smile, not a wink, not even a finger gun.
(clicks tongue) You know, sweetie, needy's not a good color on you.
It's not needy to want an "attaboy" from my sponsor once in a while.
I always give my sponsees my full attention.
Oh, please.
You slept through my entire share last week.
I was meditating.
Is your secret mantra, (snorts) "I'm awake"? Spot-on, Big Sauce.
She does the same thing when we're at home watching Blue Bloods.
Well, it's the only way I can get you to stop talking.
I do get chatty when Donnie Wahlberg's on camera.
I just have a feeling he's a fascinating person.
All right, coffee pot is clean.
I'm out of here.
Hey, Nora! Awesome share.
I always get so much out of what you have to say.
Thanks.
(mouthing) Well, that was hard to watch.
She knows how it works.
"Hey, I liked your share.
" "Thanks.
I liked your share, too.
" Well, I liked your share today.
Thank you, Wendy.
I liked your share, too.
I didn't share.
Oh.
Attaboy.
(clicks tongue) (suspenseful music playing over TV, woman screams, crunch) Oh! (laughs) What's the body count so far? Well, assuming that cheerleader can't sew her head back on, - we're up to five.
- (chuckles): Yeah.
Her head's on the floor, but her hands still think she's alive.
CHRISTY: Is it safe to look now? Hang on.
All clear.
(sharp blow lands, man screams) - (both laugh) - (screams) You guys suck! The-the jock gets it in the jockstrap.
- (phone chimes) - Now, that's good writing.
Mm.
- Unbelievable.
- What? I texted Nora an hour ago, and she still hasn't responded.
So I paused the movie for something that didn't actually happen? Yeah.
Why are you so obsessed with Nora's approval? I mean, is it 'cause she's famous or something? She's not famous; she does the weather for the local news.
And co-hosts the Napa Valley Thanksgiving Day Parade.
It's on two channels.
Christy's always been an approval junkie.
In high school, if there was one person in her class that didn't like her, that's who she'd have sex with.
Hey, it worked.
You should take a page from the Book of Bonnie.
She never cares what people think.
She should.
See, you say that; don't care.
(ringtone playing) Oh, look, it's Nora.
- She called you? - Relax.
It's Jill.
What's up? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Slow down.
- Are you okay? - What happened? Someone broke into her house.
Uh, we're on our way.
Okay, listen, if the police ask any questions, I was here with you all night watching movies.
You were watching a movie with us.
Oh, good, say it just like that.
I just keep thinking, if I'd gotten home ten minutes earlier, maybe they still would've been in here.
I could be lying on the floor dead.
But your hands don't know it yet, so they're still twitching.
Quit it.
(mouthing) We're just glad you're okay.
What'd they get? Oh, all the jewelry that wasn't in the safe and everything from the loose cash bowl.
- The what? - You know how you have a bowl with loose pennies and buttons in it? Jill does that with 20s and 50s.
It's for tips, trick-or-treaters or Mormons.
How much was in there? I don't know, couple of inches? I can't find the milk.
Oh, my God, those bastards took the milk.
MAN (in distance): Ms.
Kendall? In the kitchen! MAN: Big house.
Doesn't help.
Follow my voice, follow my voice, follow my voice! All right, checked the whole property.
It's clear.
Thank you, Officer.
No problem.
Sir, just so you know, I'm on parole.
But I have an alibi; I was with them watching slasher movies all night.
Oh.
Yeah, those are fun, till you walk in on a real crime scene.
I bet you've seen some messed-up stuff.
I don't like to talk about it, but no.
This is Napa Valley.
People call 911 when they get a bad wedge of brie.
Oh, I love brie.
All right, here's my card.
Give me a call tomorrow with a list of what's gone missing, you know, for your insurance.
Thank you.
Oh, and, uh, I, uh I just got one more question for you.
Um, is that a Kalamazoo grill in the backyard? I don't know.
My ex-husband put it in.
I don't touch the thing.
(chuckles softly) How can How can you not I'm sorry.
It's just, when I buy a lottery ticket, that grill is what I'm dreaming of.
You can burn wood, charcoal, gas, or-or you can go infrared.
Infrared.
You're getting a little worked up here, Officer.
It's just sitting there! Well, good thing they didn't steal that.
(chuckles) Okay.
You can't steal it; it's built-in.
I'm sorry.
You ladies, have a, have a good night.
It's a left, two rights and a left.
Copy that.
Well, thanks again for coming, but I think I'm okay now.
Yeah.
Unless they come back.
(chuckles) What? Why would you say that? It happens all the time.
I mean, now that the guy knows the layout, he could get a couple buddies, come back, - toss this place like a Caesar salad.
- Tammy! I'm sorry! You're right.
It could be a chick.
I really appreciate you guys spending the night.
I still think you could've made room for me up there.
I still think, while you're down there, you can rub my feet.
Bonnie, would you please check the windows again? (sighs) Sure.
- Back.
- Damn it.
You know, we can't sleep here every night.
Speak for yourself.
This mattress is taking on the shape of my ass.
- It's memory foam.
- Well, I want to marry it.
Maybe you should hire some security, you know, someone to stay here till you get over the yips.
How 'bout that cop? A lot of those guys do off-duty work.
Mm, I don't know.
He wouldn't shut up about my barbecue.
I mean, what man notices that and not me? You're right, don't call a cop.
Call a Hells Angel.
They know how to crack heads and appreciate a pretty lady.
Shh, shh, shh! Did you just hear that? Jill, the alarm's on, you're surrounded by us, and Christy's closest to the door they'll get her first.
The hell they will! (grunting) Geez, shave your legs once in a while! Okay, if this is gonna work, everybody has to sleep on their side.
- Flip the dolphin, Tam.
- Oh, sure, sure.
What's this? Warm brown food? I'm in.
Appears to be some sort of chili.
Yep, chili.
Hey! What are you doing, you big moose?! You just walk in and eat anything that's cooking on the stove? It's kept me alive so far.
Well, it's not for you.
It's for Nora.
I did a little snooping around on Instagram; found out it's her favorite thing.
Oh, my God, you're making chili for Nora just so she'll like you.
Hey, I used to make you screwdrivers to get you to like me.
You did have a good firm pour for an eight-year-old.
I really think this is gonna work.
I can almost feel her loving me already.
You're really quite pathetic, do you know that? I've never denied it.
Excuse me.
I'm paying you to protect me, not to sit here watching six tiny black-and-white movies at the same time.
You figured out those are the security cameras I set up, yeah? Halfway through.
What's going on there? Those squirrels fighting? Oh.
Oh.
Yeah, they've been going at it hot and heavy.
Definitely not married.
(both chuckle) You know, you don't have to keep bringing your own food.
You're welcome to anything in the fridge.
Oh.
Thanks, but years of police work tell me there's probably less than a thousand calories in this entire house.
Oh, really? I got to ask you a question, Ms.
Kendall.
Oh, you've seen me without makeup; call me Jill.
You've seen me without makeup; call me Andy.
(chuckles) Great, Andy.
Ask away.
This is a huge house, and you're just one person.
Don't you think you'd feel safer in a smaller place? Maybe.
But I've just been here so long, I guess I'm kind of used to it.
And my ex wanted it in the divorce, so I cried until the judge said I could have it.
Mm.
Yeah, my ex did the same thing with my Raiders tickets.
And she doesn't even go.
It's painful enough trying to watch a Raiders game.
Now I got to turn it on and see those two empty seats in the end zone.
Oh, that's nothing.
Does your ex have a beautiful young wife and an okay-looking child? No.
She's dating another bald cop who could stand to lose 20 pounds.
What was wrong with me? I'm done being on Team Sad.
I been through all four stages of grief eating, crying, drinking, snorting.
I been down that path.
Got stuck on eating.
Want a bite? Nah.
I'm not eating bread, cheese or meat right now.
- Watch your fingers.
- Oh.
(game show music playing over TV) - (channel changes) - Hey, what are you doing? I was watching whatever that was.
I want to watch the weather.
We live in California.
Here's your five-day forecast Nice.
Oh, wait.
You want to watch Nora so you can tell her how much you love the way she points at things.
Suck-up.
Am not.
Did I get a text saying how much she loved my chili? Yes, I did.
She even asked how my day was going.
Is that the sound of the ice queen cracking? I think so.
Are you gonna ask questions and also answer them? Is that your new thing? Is it? I don't know.
Shh, shh! My new bestie's on.
NORA: Ah, thanks, Rob! And I agree, that is some tie.
(Nora and Rob laugh) Well, looks like we might need to break out the sweaters, folks.
Temperatures will be cooling down this week thanks to winds coming in from the west.
(farts) Hey, you and your chili just got a shout-out.
(auto-tuned): Winds coming in from the west (farts) Winds coming in from the west (farts) Winds coming in from the west (farts) 600,000 views! The minute I saw this, I said, "Let's make a YouTube video.
" And Christy's all, "No, we can't humiliate my sponsor.
" Once again, my daughter holds me back from greatness! (laughs) I feel sorry for her.
Okay, when did you let one rip? High school talent show.
I was playing the flute, but not nearly loud enough.
(laughs) Move over, sex with Abe Lincoln.
That is now number one on my time machine list.
(laughter) Man, poor Nora.
Let's watch it again.
Seriously, there's a 5% chance they're laughing at Wendy.
We both know who they're laughing at.
Here's your Tupperware.
I'm so sorry.
Well, don't be.
Am I feeling a little embarrassed? Absolutely.
I'm human and I frickin' farted on TV.
- And do you want to talk about that? - Not with you.
I'll bring it to my sponsor, who, by the way, I'm also not buddies with.
Thank you for the coffee.
I got to go.
Right.
Well, maybe we should Okay.
All right.
Bye! Marjorie, give me my phone back.
How did you get from farts to cat videos? How's Nora? Our friendship is dead, and here's the murder weapon.
I just don't get what the big deal is.
We all do it.
We burp, we fart, we pee when we laugh, which only makes us laugh more, which makes us pee more.
- Circle of life.
- (phone chimes) Ooh, motion sensor alert.
Aw, look.
Andy's bringing in my mail.
How long you gonna keep him around? I don't know.
He makes me feel safe.
And he's a lot of fun.
We stayed up all night just gabbing.
He told me stories about being a Marine.
He really knows how to take care of business.
Yeah? Did he take care of your business? While you were gabbing all night? Uh-huh.
Girl! (scoffs) He's a great guy, but you met him; he's not my type.
I don't know.
He brought in your mail.
Yeah, he did.
Girl! Wendy, it's not working.
I know.
Okay, here are the keys to your new locks.
Motion detectors are up, cameras are working, and I think the squirrels got married.
How can you tell? They're just eating in silence next to each other.
(laughs) (sighs) You sure you can't stay one more night? At this point, I'd just be taking your money.
You're safe.
I don't know how to thank you.
Promise me one thing.
I know, I know.
I got to use that big fancy grill.
I was gonna say please be sure to set your alarm, but, yeah, I will sleep better at night knowing you finally tossed a rib eye on that magnificent bastard.
- Bye.
- Bye.
BOTH: Girl! Oh, stop.
Let's just start watching the movie.
- I think we just watched one.
- Mm-hmm.
A little romantic comedy about the lonely rich girl and her bodyguard.
And I-ee-I Will always love you-ooh-ooh All right, knock it off.
I told you, he's not my type.
You're right.
You only date super handsome, emotionally unavailable jerks.
Mmm.
Just hearing that turns me on.
Maybe it's time for a change.
No one's gonna judge you.
And if they do, who cares? You're happy.
Yeah.
Hey, I had a type, too, and it wasn't a guy in a wheelchair.
- Yeah, but Adam's hot.
- So hot.
And taken.
Taken.
We'll see.
The point is that cop made you smile like I haven't seen in a long time.
You guys are really underestimating how shallow I am.
Knockity-knock.
Hey.
What are you doing here? I just came by to bring you this tiny cactus for luck.
I know it's your first day back since the incident.
"Incident.
" I like that.
Around here, they just call it "that time I farted on TV.
" I hope you're not mad at me over all of this.
Okay, we got to nip this in the bud.
Remember when I first started sponsoring you and I asked you to do a fear inventory? Yeah.
Maybe it's time for you to do another one, because I don't remember you writing down, "I'm terrified that people won't like me.
" - I didn't write that down.
- Why not? I was afraid it would make you not like me.
Do you see what you're doing here? Yeah, yeah.
No.
If you always seek the validation of other people, you will never be content, because you're making them your higher power.
You're doing it with me.
And at the end of the day, I'm just another drunk.
Oh.
One who is 60 seconds away from doing the weather.
Walk with me.
Ooh, we're gonna do the weather? Mm-hmm.
- Nora, I just want to - Watch the cables.
Oh, my God, that's Sports with Kane Stevens! And you don't need him to like you either.
Yes, I do.
No, you don't.
Look, I didn't have a lot going for me growing up, but winning people over was one of my strong suits.
And I'm sure it served you, but you don't need it anymore.
Let me ask you something.
Do you like yourself? 'Cause that's the only person you should be concerned about.
Now, off my set.
STAGE MANAGER: All right.
In five, four, three, two Look who's back.
All right, before I get to the five-day, let me acknowledge something that got away from me last week.
- (Rob laughs) - (chuckles) Laugh it up, Rob.
We all know you're not wearing pants behind that desk.
Point is, we're all human.
We have our sunny days and rainy days.
It's how you dust yourself off to get to the next day that matters.
So, looking ahead at Oh, my God, she winked at me.
Which is not a big deal beginning now.
(glass crashes) (alarm wailing) Andy! I was sleeping, and the alarm started going off.
I think somebody's breaking in.
You will? (sighs) You're the best.
See you soon.
(alarm continues wailing) Girl.