New Girl s06e14 Episode Script

1 - Okay, we got our maps.
- Yeah.
- Got our canteens.
- Yeah.
Got our trail mix, homemade of course.
Got my book of local fauna.
Got my book of local flora.
So we can identify BOTH: Every living thing.
SCHMIDT: Look at them.
I feel like Andie MacDowell in Multiplicity, living in a house filled with clones.
It is the second time this week you've compared yourself to Andie MacDowell.
It's weird.
- I'll go grab - Our boots because we should - Break them in.
- Exactly.
Nah, that's weird.
Robby and I are hiking Behar Pass tomorrow.
Turns out, we both love hiking.
It's amazing.
We have a lot in common.
Aly and I are finally gonna have the same city in common.
- Right on, man.
- (Winston laughs) Lefty's coming home.
(laughs) - Lefty? - Lefty? Yeah, she's left-footed.
I'm throwing Aly a surprise welcome-home dinner.
I invited her whole family here, you know.
Uh, I wanted her to see all the people she loves, which becomes love for me, you know, and the next thing you know, I'm getting one of those "best boyfriend ever" mugs, which you can buy, I just don't want to do all that.
I want to I want to earn it.
- You're inviting them over here? - Yeah.
Winston, this place is a hellhole.
Look at this.
All the dishes are broken.
I'm eating pasta out of some thing that Jess and Robby made in a clay class.
BOTH: Pottery workshop.
What the hell is this compartment for? I have a better idea.
Why don't you throw your thing at our place? Ever since our wedding china came in, we've been dying to host a dinner party.
Is your house even done yet? All the party zones are in working order: living room, dining room.
The master bedroom has sort of turned into a place where the workers throw all their trash.
I think even one of them went to the toilet in there.
- But - We'll just lock that door.
- Yes.
- Let's do it.
Reagan's out of town.
You know what that means.
- No.
- What does that mean? Honestly, I don't know, but please let me come to the party.
(gasps) Time to hit the sack.
It's 6:30.
Babies are still awake.
BOTH: Not this baby.
(Jess and Robby laugh) I feel like I've lived through this before.
I'm like Andie MacDowell in Groundhog Day.
- Stop! Just please stop.
- NICK: Are you kidding me? BOTH (to the tune of "Ice Ice Baby"): Hike, hike, baby.
(imitating bass line) Ooh, it's a fork.
Well, the map says to go left, but that little musket trail seems plumb adorable.
And it has a waterfall, so I say, uh.
- waterfall.
- (both chuckle) I mean, let's just do it.
Let's go nuts.
See, this is why we're so great together.
We agree on everything.
- I agree.
- (chuckles) Hey, Robert Frost, looks like we're gonna take the road Jess traveled.
(both laugh) All right, just, uh that's not the way it goes.
Hold on.
Be easier if it wasn't so windy.
Okay.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Made a list of rules for our guests.
Obviously, no one's wearing shoes inside the house, but what if we put a foot-washing station in the driveway? Babe, I was thinking maybe we have no rules.
Well, because growing up, all the cool houses didn't have rules, remember? I was never invited to any of the cool houses.
My only friend in high school was my piano teacher, and then he got that boyfriend with the Trans Am, and I never saw him again.
I really wish I could travel back in time and give young you a hug.
Yeah, well young me would've greeted that hug - with an immediate collapse in orgasm.
- Oh.
But you know what, maybe you're right.
If we want to be the place where friends gather maybe we got to chill.
Yeah, because we we want to be the hub.
- You know? - Ooh, we'd make such a good hub.
- Yes, we would.
- Make such a good we'd make such a good hub.
Are you having an orgasm right now? Are you kidding me? - Hey.
- Hey.
Winston Bishop, nice to meet you.
- What are we doing right now? - I'm practicing introducing myself - to Aly's parents.
- Oh, I got you.
- You're a little nervous.
Okay.
- Yeah, yeah, I'm a little nervous.
You know, I want to make a good first impression.
- Oh, that makes sense.
- How's my shake? Nope.
No, no, no, no, no.
Do not go in with two hands.
Also, why are your hands so wet? - Damn, for me that's dry.
- They're dripping.
- How's this for Aly's mom? - I'm Aly's mom? - Okay.
- Mm-mm.
- (smooches) Not today, honey.
- Yeah, all wrong.
- We bring it in for the real thing.
- All wrong.
- All wrong.
- Okay.
That was very aggressive.
You invaded my space.
I didn't feel safe.
Just be more normal about it.
Like this.
Hey, how are you? I'm Winston.
Nice to meet you.
Oh, like Hey, how are you? I'm Winston.
Zip, a pleasure, uh, to do it.
- See, all of that, cut that out.
- Okay.
Hi, how are you? I'm Aly's mother.
(smooches) You do you do well.
(chuckles) You do well to-to be friends with me.
- Hmm? - Winston, shake it out.
- (laughs) I'm nervous, dude.
- I know you are.
Look, they're gonna love you.
Here's what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna mill about.
I'm gonna talk you up.
I'm gonna tell your stories.
Yes.
Use one of my good ones, the ones that make me look awesome.
(chuckles) Like the time I fell asleep in the bathtub.
But all that one is is that you fell asleep in a bathtub.
- The end.
End of story.
- That's amazing.
I think we can come up with better ones, don't you? No, that's a home run for sure, because I woke up wet.
- Now I see.
- And also, - it's all about how you tell it.
- Right.
I trust you.
You're the writer.
I am, and that was the gift I was given.
- Put her there.
- You got it.
- What is going on with these hands? - What? A second ago, they were dripping wet, and now they are piping hot.
("La Cucaracha" doorbell plays) - Leslie! - Winston! I hit your car when I parked.
Sorry.
Yeah, I I didn't drive here.
Oh, well, that's a relief.
Anyway, uh, your sister is on her way.
Where are your parents? Oh, my dad doesn't take highways for political reasons.
- But everyone else is here.
- Cool.
Come on in.
(laughs) - Hey.
- Hi there.
- Hey there.
- Hey.
- Thank you.
- Wow.
How big is your family? (chuckles) Oh, my gosh.
Hey.
How many cars did you guys take? Hey, make yourselves at home.
Everybody come on in.
Did you guys rent a bus? Just breathe.
Just breathe.
- Hey.
Hey now.
- SCHMIDT: Winston, Winston.
Winston.
A-a word, please.
- Huh? Yeah, coming.
- Hey.
Hey, man, you look familiar.
Did I pull you over last week? Why so many? CECE (quietly): There are 30 people out there.
(blows nose) SCHMIDT: We do not have enough china! Or forks or prawns.
You can't ask somebody to split a prawn.
Babe, I know, all right? But you just need to relax.
- We will be fine.
- (glass breaks) - We can adjust.
- MAN: Sorry.
Just remember, we're chill.
No, you're right.
We are totally chill.
We'll just break out the backup china! I'll just come in tomorrow morning with a power washer, and hose this whole frickin' place down.
- ("La Cucaracha" doorbell plays) - There's Lefty.
By the way, there is no backup china! - I know, I know, all right.
- (crowd quiets) Keep them closed.
ALY: All right, last time you did this, you revealed Furguson in a tuxedo.
(laughs) This is even better.
Say hello to your entire family! ALL: Surprise! (whispers): What the hell is this? (quietly): So, do the cute, surprised look you do.
Nah, that's not it.
That's not the one.
Remember? When you Oh.
You're pissed.
We're lost.
Why did you let me chase a waterfall? You know what TLC says.
I'm sorry.
Just - I'm really hungry.
- Here.
You can have some of my trail mix.
That's just a bag of raisins.
Well, that's because I only like to eat the peanuts and the chocolate.
Well, I only like the chocolate and the peanuts, too! Why do we even add raisins?! I don't know! All right, look, you know what, we're lost and it's gonna get dark soon, so let's just head back.
Fine.
Did you pack a flashlight? Robby, did you pack a flashlight? - No.
- Then there's your answer.
You know what, it's fine, okay? We know that we have to go downhill, so just follow me.
I'll lead, okay? - Ah! God! Oh! - Oh! Robby! - Oh! - Oh, my God! - I lost my glasses.
- Are you okay? Oh.
Please tell me those were crunchy leaves.
Let me see.
Oh, I think that's them.
- Hold on.
Oh! Jess! - Ah! Ah! Ow, my ankle! My beautiful dancer's ankle! Hey.
What's the matter? You know, I got all your family together in one room.
You know, you're being greeted by all the people that you love.
- I know.
- Well, except for your parents, but they will be here soon, barring any surface street traffic.
That is so sweet, Winston.
And I do love my family, but they're crazy.
And, honestly, they make me a little crazy.
Every family is crazy.
Every time we get together, it's a disaster.
Like a giant hot air balloon catching on fire.
Here's the difference: you got backup now.
Have I ever let you down as a partner? Except for that mixed doubles tournament.
Got it! We don't got to talk about that.
We ain't got to go back there.
My point is this: we're a team.
Okay? - Okay.
- All right.
Maybe this time will be different.
- Right? - Yeah.
But you really need to know the lay of the land.
Okay, let me take notes.
So, my sister is - my sister.
- Mm-hmm.
Uncle Bill is a real weather nerd.
- Super annoying.
- Right, right, right.
Aunt Karen keeps a free-floating piece of floss in her purse.
She will use it tonight.
- It's revolting.
- Okay.
Do me a favor.
Hold on.
Repeat everything you just said.
My thumbprint won't let me in.
Okay, uh, my sister is you met her Ah, wait, yeah, no, no, still not in.
Let me get wipe my hand off right there.
Now we're cooking with gas.
(chuckles) - My sister okay.
- No, we ain't.
- Winston, he's a great guy.
- Mm-hmm.
He and I go way back.
Tons of stories, tons of tons of stories.
Really? All right.
- Right now? - Yeah.
One time he was taking a bath and he fell asleep.
(wheezing laugh) You believe this guy? What a nut.
Life of the party, this guy.
He fell asleep in a bath? That's the story? That's the story? No.
That's the start of the story.
We are out of appetizers.
They stripped this tray of shrimp like piranhas.
They didn't even leave tails.
I think someone took a shower in the bathroom.
We don't have towels or soap.
I don't know how they did it.
We need to re-examine this whole no rules thing.
It's a freaking circus in here.
What are we gonna feed these people in the meantime? In about ten minutes, they're gonna start eating the drywall.
- I think there was a - (plate clanks loudly) - (chuckles) Thank you.
- Thank you.
I think there was a bag of rice in the house when we bought it.
I thought that was barley.
It was really dirty.
Okay, fine, whatever.
Boil it up! ROBBY: Okay, well, it's really dark and uneven, but at least we found the trail.
Yeah, I mean, it's like a night hike.
(chuckles) Maybe we'll see a colony of bats.
(chuckles) It's kind of like a waterfall.
But with monsters, in the sky.
- (thunder cracks) - Oh! Oh, man.
Okay, uh, Jess, it's raining.
JESS: Let's take shelter in that cave! What if it's more of a nest than a cave? Whatever.
It'll do.
Sister! (both squealing) (chuckles) WINSTON: Oh, that's some sisterly love right there.
- Let me get you two a drink.
- Okay.
(squeals) Oh, my God, Winston is so good for you.
What the hell is that supposed to mean? And I saw with my own eyes one day when Winston saved those kids from a burning building, including a little boy.
A little boy who's dad left when he was young.
Named Wheelchair Timmy.
Wheelchair Timmy was a heavyset boy, ginger.
Black eyes.
So what, you think I'm just some cold robot who needs some guy to loosen me up, make me happy? I just said Winston's good for you.
Oh, my God, you always get like this! He grabs the kid and the chair, lifts him up above his head, so that the fire doesn't burn this little heavyset boy.
That's the power of adrenaline.
- And what happened to Timmy? - Timmy? He's dead.
- What? - He's alive.
I'm Timmy.
Look at me now.
Because of Winston, I'm telling you this story.
No, you said your name was Nick.
I am Nick.
I got to go! How should I be, huh? Like you? (mocking): "Oh, my God, look at me, I'm Leslie.
"I wear holiday socks in the summer.
"I follow Ariana Grande around like she was the Grateful Dead.
" (mocking): "Oh, I'm Aly.
"I went to Quantico and I got a disease, "and I can't be around people!" - Do you mean "quarantine"? - Whatever! You're so mean! - You're being a mean robot! - No, this is being a mean robot.
(robotic voice): "Beep, boop, boop, boop.
Leslie, you suck.
"You can't pull off bangs.
"You were an accident.
" LESLIE: Oh, my God! I have a small forehead, and you know that, and you use that against me! Just shut up! - I hate you! - I hate you! I (Leslie sobs) (whispers): God.
(sighs) Oh, no.
The wheelchair boy, Timmy, speaks very highly of you.
(chuckles) - You're Aunt Karen? - Mm-hmm.
You didn't make a lot of sense.
(grunts) Yeah, it's really coming down out there.
- It's really freezing.
- Yeah.
(thunder rumbling softly) Hey, Robby? Do you ever think it's, like it's not good that we're so similar? Oh, I don't know.
You know, my Great Uncle Shep Wallingford used to say, "You buy the horse that you see in the mirror.
" - Did you say "Wallingford"? - Mm-hmm.
I have Wallingfords in my family, out near Boston.
Ah, mine are in, uh, Newburyport.
They were kind of, like, local celebrities.
They were well-known for making - women's watches.
- Women's watches.
How'd you know that? Wallingford watches BOTH: 'Cause the time is now And the look is wow! (chuckles) Robby I think we're related.
(thunder rumbles) (Jess and Robby screaming) (Jess and Robby screaming) Do you have an Uncle Tony? Tony, with the long fingernails, and he always wears a whistle around his neck.
Robby, we are third cousins.
- Oh, my God! - Ah! - Why, God?! - We're going to hell! (groans) - We did stuff.
- No, stop! - Just saying.
- I can't live in this reality! - At least not second cousins.
- Ah, I can't.
- First cousins would be way worse.
- Please, no.
People do it all the time, in the, in the mountains.
In the mountains.
(retches) - Don't be startled.
- God! What are you doing in here, Cece? I am hiding, okay? That party is out of control.
Some guy almost burned his eyebrows off trying to light a cigarette on our stove.
It's complete anarchy in there.
Can we just hide in here and hang out together? We haven't christened the garage yet.
Ooh, you make a very good point.
- Okay.
- WINSTON: Hey.
- Hello, Winston.
- Hey.
- Question: have you guys seen Aly? - (sighs) What's going on, man? She ran off.
If I'd known it was gonna be like this, I would've just done the trench coat thing.
- The what? - What is the trench coat thing? It's where I pick her up from the airport naked, wearing nothing but a trench coat.
Have you guys seen a kid in a wheelchair? - That was me.
- What? - Whoa! - Wow.
Nick, what are you doing in here? Look, I was having a hard time with your stories, so I took a little poetic license.
People started asking some questions.
Things got ahead of me.
And I had no choice but to hide in the car.
Nick, I thought you were gonna stick to the tub story.
It's not a story, Winston.
It's not a story! - A story about sleeping - It's mental.
- It's really not - Hey.
- Found her.
- Yeah.
Hey, are you guys ever not together? - Rarely.
- You know what? Hold on one second.
I want to talk to you.
Guys, can you give us a minute? Sure, Winston.
Cece, let's go hide in the car in the garage of our home.
Yeah, okay.
We'll give you guys a minute.
Aly, uh, I was just trying to be sweet and And I ruined it.
I know.
I said my family was crazy, and I ended up being the craziest one.
Look, I'm so embarrassed you saw that side of me, and I'm sure you want to run for the hills.
So, it's fine.
I don't blame you.
You're embarrassed of being crazy in front of me? I acted insane.
Even just talking about it is humiliating.
I'm just gonna, yeah, I'm gonna walk away.
Okay.
Oh, dear Lord.
The car's running.
- Nick, how long have you been in here? - Been running this whole time? I was cold.
I was cold.
Did you ever go to one of those big Wallingford family cookouts? Just one, in '92.
I remember they had a really competitive three-legged race, and they paired me up with a little boy who had a helmet on.
His skin was so translucent, it was like he was a jellyfish.
- Did he play an imaginary trombone? - Yeah.
He kept saying, "It's better to be safe than speedy.
" - That was me! That was me! - Oh, my God.
Oh, this is too much.
I don't want to die with my cousin-lover in a cave.
- Oh, God.
- Everyone will think we fled here 'cause society wouldn't accept us.
I just wanted to see a waterfall.
Me, too! I got to get out of here! You can't walk, I can't see anything.
Stand up, blind boy.
I'm getting on your back.
- Take these.
- Oh, okay.
Oh, man.
Okay.
We have the same prescription.
Yeah, no kidding, Robby.
All right, you ready? - Yeah.
So, "Wallingfords" on three? - No! Ew! I'm really sorry.
I'm so nervous.
- Okay, one, two, three! - Two, three! (both yelling) ROBBY: I didn't wear the right shoes for this! JESS: Go over there! I'm sorry about before.
I guess I really freaked out on you.
And I'm sorry that I told you I was gonna shave your eyebrows off in your sleep.
- You never said that.
- Oh, maybe I was just thinking that.
I'm just so embarrassed Winston saw that.
I'm pretty sure I scared him off.
No, you didn't.
He's on the table.
(tapping glass) Oh, no.
- Oh, no, no, no.
- WINSTON: Hello.
I am Winston Bishop.
I'm Aly's boyfriend.
Please, if you will, I want to, uh, say a few words to my girlfriend.
He's standing on the furniture.
Just relax, okay? Help is on the way.
Aly, I wanted you to feel special tonight because I'm wild about you.
Maybe things didn't go perfectly, but damn it, don't be embarrassed to be crazy in front of me.
Okay? I am the king of crazy.
(chuckles) I have inside jokes with my cat.
I am a member of the Puzzling Guild of North America.
I shave my face cold, - and I brush my teeth hot.
- It's true.
On one very late and very desperate night, I used Furguson's cat box as my own box.
And, yes, it is true what many of you have heard.
I once fell asleep in a bathtub! (laughing) I love that story.
(continues laughing) And then what happened? What do you mean, "And then what happened?" He fell asleep in the tub! He was asleep, and then he woke up.
(stomping on table) I don't know, maybe I got to hear it again.
So who cares if you're crazy? I don't care.
I'm crazy, too.
(scoffs) Watch this.
I'm gonna put a carrot behind my ear, like a bunny reporter, and I'm gonna do this dance I've been working on for five years.
(grunting rhythmically) Don't you do that carrot.
Little bunny carrot.
(imitates chewing) (Winston mumbling goofy noises) (laughs) I see we got two new people here.
Who are they? Yeah, um, Mom, Dad, this is Winston.
Hey.
(chuckles) Uh I am Winston.
And I assure you that all of those incidents were from a very long time ago, kinda.
It's clear you love our daughter.
In a very passionate, unique way.
That's all that matters.
(chuckles) (mouthing) You're a two-hander, huh? (laughs) Well, all right.
- Okay.
- Yes.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Seriously, we've been on the road for a couple of hours.
- We need to use the bathroom.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course! It's, uh, right down, right down the hall.
(chuckles) Thank you for not being afraid of me or my family.
- (knocking) - Open up.
Police! - Who-who called the police? - I don't know.
I guess we better do whatever they say.
Ugh.
Why are you guys acting like you're in a porno? (sighs) We got a noise complaint.
The law has spoken, everyone.
I guess the party's over.
You could just file out through here.
Winston? (chuckles): Look who it is.
Hey, Aly, you're back.
Jenkins, get in here, man! We having a party.
- What you drinking? - Hi, Jenkins.
Wait, what? (laughs) Well, you know what, I guess I'm just gonna have to take the law into my own hands.
All right, everybody! Shoes off, coasters down! This is our house, and our house has rules! Okay? Not a suggestion.
Shoes off, let's go! - Okay, okay.
Shoes off.
- Shoes.
- SCHMIDT: Take your shoes off - Get 'em off! - and put 'em to the side! - Yep! - And then let's have a good time.
- Yeah, let's have some fun.
- It's a party, people.
- It's a party.
ROBBY: So just to be clear, um, we're definitely broken up, right? Yeah.
- Yeah, I mean, that's - Yeah.
I mean I don't know why I asked.
Well Oh, wait.
You should take these.
Oh, you know, keep 'em.
They look great on you.
Thank you.
I'll see you around.
Yeah.
Maybe at the next family reun - Too soon.
Yep.
- A little too soon.
Yes.
- Oh, dear Lord.
- It's not as bad as it looks.
I'm really, I'm really clean underneath all this mud.
Oh, my God, what happened? (sighs) Hike took a turn, and then Robby and I broke up in a cave.
I'm so sorry, sweetheart.
I am so sorry.
- Air hug.
- Yeah.
I'm gonna go get you a glass of wine.
Real sorry about you and Robby.
Don't touch anything.
I'm gonna go get some paper towels.
Don't-don't move.
Whoa, Jess! Are you okay? Oh, long story.
But I'm okay.
Is there any food left? I'm so hungry, and all I have is this bag of gross raisins.
Gross raisins? Are you kidding me? Raisins are the best.
I love raisins.
(laughs): Of course you do.
Yeah, sometimes I just tuck 'em in my cheek, and I go about my day, so if I ever need the flavor of raisins, well, I already got it.
I'm having trouble envisioning what it's like to need the flavor of raisins.
But go nuts.
Go raisins.
(laughs) You said, "Go nuts," I said, "Go raisins.
" CECE: Wine.
- Paper towels.
- JESS: Oh, thank you, Schmidt.
Thanks.
Oh, thanks.
Thanks.
Thank you.
- SCHMIDT: Just step on these.
- NICK: Go faster.
JESS: Uh, I have enough paper towels.
- WINSTON: Hey! - JESS: Hey! - Hey, what's up? - Not much.
- Welcome to the party.
- Thanks.
Where's Robby? JESS: Oh, yeah, um, he couldn't make it.
Turns out we're cousins, so - NICK: What?! - CECE: What? - NICK: He's your cousin? - JESS: House looks great.
- NICK: Wait a second.
- Thank you.
- What? - How did that happen? NICK: Cousin?