Parks and Recreation s06e14 Episode Script

"Leslie Knope and Ben Wyatt were married "one year ago this week at the Pawnee city hall.
"The bride wore a gown made by her friend Ann Perkins.
"And the groom wore a butt so perfect it could make an angel hang itself.
" - You wrote this, didn't you? - I did.
- They cut it way down.
- Thank God.
Okay, so, the big day is tomorrow.
So let's go over this again.
What are the anniversary rules? At lease 100 kisses.
Dinner at 7:00.
- And no gifts.
- That's right, no gifts.
No gifts.
No gifts.
Oh, I'm getting him a gift.
I always say that I'm not gonna get him a gift.
And Ben always believes me.
And then, bam, I surprise him with the best gift of all time.
He makes the cutest, dopiest face when he's surprised.
It's like Wha-a-a-at? I'm not gonna make my stupid surprise face this year because this time I got her the most amazing gift ever.
And she'll never see it coming because I'm giving it to her today, one day early.
So she's gonna make the face this year.
She will make that stupid face! Additional support for Pawnee Public Radio comes from the Edgar C.
and Janis R.
Lumway Foundation and the Richard and Lois Wallenberg Foundation Foundation dedicated to the idea that all human beings deserve a chance to hear about foundations.
Welcome to Thought For Your Thoughts.
I'm your Pawneean host, Derry Murbles.
And I'm your Eagletonian host, August Clementine.
Yes, if you have not heard our program in a while, Thought For Your Thoughts now has a co-host, thanks to the Pawnee-Eagleton merger I believe that is the Eagleton-Pawnee merger, n'est-ce pas? I'd like to apologize to our listeners for my co-host's sudden and violent outburst just now.
Our guest is former city councilwoman Leslie Knope.
- Leslie, thought - For your thoughts.
I said it.
Absorb the aggression, Derry.
Absorb the aggression.
Well, I just want to say thank you so much for having me.
It's a thrill to be here.
As a listener, I think the merging of your two shows has really created such a big, quiet, arcane ball of fun.
It's been a couple of months since Pawnee and Eagleton officially merged.
Things are going okay.
There's still a little animosity between the two towns.
I haven't seen Pawneeans this mad since Frankie's discontinued their pizza-stuffed-crust pizza.
It was a pizza whose crust was stuffed with little pizzas.
And the crust of those little pizzas was made of chocolate.
Ms.
Knope, I understand you're here today to try to convince us that this disastrous merger of our two towns was, in any way, a good idea.
Yes, there were some bumps and bruises.
And a brief rash of arson.
And a rather large-scale brawl at the dump.
But overall, the state of the merger is very strong.
Scoff.
Did you just say the word "scoff"? You must admit, Ms.
Knope, that the merging of the towns has been fraught with antipathy.
For example, I now have to share my studio with a fatuous twerp who shall remain nameless.
This twerp has a name.
And it's August N'gutu Liebowitz-Clementine.
Guys Hello.
Thank you so much for letting me help plan your anniversary.
It is so wonderful to be part of such a special day.
Okay, remember, under no circumstances can Leslie know about what's going on.
She has to make that face, do you understand? No, I don't fully, but my lips are sealed.
I asked for Larry's help because he has the most successful marriage of anyone I know, to a gorgeous woman.
Which, honestly, is still a mystery to me.
Like, was it a hypnosis accident or something, where they put Gayle under and made her fall in love with Larry and never said the magic word to snap her out of it? Like, if I say "nutmeg," will she wake up and start screaming? What kind of pet are you interested in adopting? We have dogs, cats, rabbits.
Um, I work here, so, legally, you can adopt me.
The girls want an actual dog.
And they want it to look like this.
Interesting.
So, like a banana made of spiders? I've said it before and I'll say it again, children are terrible artists.
And artists are crooks.
I think I know a good dog.
There he is! Ron, how about this guy? Yes, he is a handsome fellow.
Hello, dog.
I'll take him.
That was easy.
Awesome.
Well, Donna can help you get started on the paperwork.
Donna? "Why lie? I'm shopping.
Back in an hour.
" Ugh! God, she's always just leaving and not telling me.
Hello, caller.
You have a comment? Yeah, ever since the merger, we've had a really bad trash problem.
Well, yes, there has been some confusion with some of the garbage routes.
And the Sanitation Department is stretched a little thin.
No, I mean Eagletonians are human garbage.
And we should throw them in a dumpster.
Kapow! Yeah, I really like the merger, but I hate that Eagleton was forced to join Pawnee.
Well, that's what the merger is.
Oh.
Yeah, then I hate the merger.
I think the merger was great.
And I think Leslie Knope did an amazing job.
I don't know who this is, but I agree.
- It's Andy! - Hey.
I'm on the radio! That's all the time we have on Thought For Your Thoughts.
- I'm Derry Murbles.
- And I'm August Clementine.
And I talked last.
Good day.
Is this land mine still functional? Partially.
Why? Because I want to blow up Donna's desk so I can teach her a lesson about what happens when you skip work.
I'm not sure that's how you should go about this.
I'm kind of her boss, now, but I still feel weird disciplining her.
What do I do? Look her in the eyes and tell her exactly what you need from her.
Be mature, direct, and firm.
What? Some fool just slammed me on Yelp.
I took Ron's advice.
I very maturely and straightforwardly left anonymous comments about Donna online.
"Stopped by to adopt a dog, "but the employee, Donna Meagle, "was nowhere to be found.
Thanks for nothing, Donna Meagle.
Booooo!" With five "O"s.
Oh, my God, that sucks.
Just have to work harder, I guess, huh? This freak thinks he can hide behind some anonymous user name? I'm about to hunt you down.
Don't be upset, Leslie.
No one listens to the radio.
I wasn't even listening.
I was listening to podcasts.
Podcasts are great.
Radio is boring.
Tom, this merger needs a win something symbolic and bright and happy that will show that there's light at the end of the tunnel.
God, I am so stressed.
Uh, Leslie, may I borrow you for a second? Something very special to show you.
Now is not the time, Larry.
Please leave.
- I think you - Larry! What are you still doing here? Aw, jeez.
Okay.
I just wish Pawnee and Eagleton were as happy as Ben and me.
Yeah, by the way, I was gonna mention, you look really old in this picture.
What? Andy, this is a picture of us.
This is a picture of an elderly couple.
Rosie and Doug DeMarco.
They've been married for 50 years.
"Rosie Hails from Pawnee, while Doug is originally from the former Eagleton.
" Oh, my God, this is perfect.
A Pawnee-Eagleton couple that has been married for 50 years is a perfect symbol of how our towns can get along.
And we are gonna hold them up as an example of Pawnee-Eagleton unity.
Whoo! I'm getting the epiphany sweats.
Stop where you are and take off your clothes.
It's couples massage.
Ugh.
Where's Leslie? Oh, well, she seemed kind of stressed out.
And then she yelled at me, and she said she was too busy to come.
And since you had said do not tell her the secret - under any circumstances - Aw, man.
Well, that's a danger of doing things a day early, I guess.
Should I text her and try again? Why don't you just go ahead and get your massage, and then hopefully we can get her in for the next thing.
Okay.
I have been kind of tense lately.
Just thinking about the new Star Wars sequel.
I'm afraid they're gonna rely too heavily on CGI.
And I'm carrying it all in my shoulders.
Just you? You paid for a couple.
Well, can't believe I'm saying this, but, uh Larry, would you like to get a couples massage with me? I would love to.
Are we sure we should do this? Last time we scared an old person, Larry had a heart attack.
That was awesome.
He farted so much.
Okay, look, obviously, we don't really know these people, so let's keep things fun and positive and celebratory, and merger-y.
Can I help you? Hello, Mrs.
DeMarco, I am Leslie Knope, and we saw your announcement in the newspaper and we would love to treat you and your husband to a very special day.
All right.
How much money did we win? Oh, no, you didn't win any money, you won something better than money.
A golden anniversary celebration.
So no money.
No, and I'm now just realizing how misleading this giant check it.
- Told you.
- Yes, you did, Tom.
Thank you.
Now is not the time.
We Hey! Hey! We'll give you some money.
Okay? Here, here's some money.
Everybody give 'em money.
I got football cards, and a travel mouthwash.
Wow! That's great! Let's get started! Just give me the IP address of the dude that gave me that cracked-out Yelp review.
Okay, here we go.
The IP address says it came from someone inside city hall.
In this building? Oh, hell, no.
Well, who cares, really? It's just some dumb internet person.
Ignore it.
Ignore it? I'm about to come down on this dude like Thor's hammer Mjolnir.
I'm about to go Mjolnir on his ass! Speaking of bad reviews Computers are mostly pointless, but that Yelp thing gave me a great idea on how to criticize people and places.
I am composing strongly-worded letters about things I disapprove of, and I am using the internet to get addresses where I can send them.
So far I've written to a vegetable farm, several European ambassadors, a manufacturer of male cologne, and a nonfat frozen yogurt bar.
"Dear frozen yogurt, you are the celery of desserts.
Be ice cream or be nothing.
Zero stars.
" Oh, I cannot wait for Leslie to see this surprise.
I am so prepared.
I watched Enchanted three times to get all the details right.
And then another two times, because that movie is amazing.
Oh, it really is.
- Hello? - Oh, hey, Leslie.
You want to go grab lunch together? - I'm out front.
Super casual.
- I'm sorry, babe.
I'm not even in my office.
I'm out saving the merger.
Can it wait? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No worries.
Okay, great.
I'll see you at dinner.
I love you.
Oh, boy.
Well, it's not too late to cancel the waffle buffet or the Hilary impersonator, but a lot of these deposits were non-refundable.
Hey, Larry.
You up for a boys' day out in a horse-drawn carriage? Sure.
What the heck? Well, thus begins our enchanted adventure.
God, that movie really was amazing.
And you know what doesn't get enough credit in that movie? - The score.
- Music.
Good sir, tally ho.
God, that from the movie! That is definitely from the movie.
Okay, you two, head on up there.
We are gonna recreate your wedding photo from 50 years ago.
Okay, let's relive that day.
Only this time could we shave her moustache? Oh, boy.
I don't know.
I'm kind of worried about putting these two on live TV.
They're sort of grumpy.
Why are we wasting our time with these old people anyway? They're like the old version of iTunes.
We're like the new version of iTunes, baby.
We're gonna be here forever.
Oh, my God.
I'm gonna die someday.
Well, let's just hope that deep down these two still love each other.
Hey, no touching.
This is not your birthday.
Now, you see, the trick with paella is to use just enough saffron - to complement the shellfish.
- Okay.
- Oh, man, that is so good.
- Oh, yeah.
Wow, isn't this exciting? In just a few minutes, you are going to be professing your love on television.
Could I have a glass of water before we go on? Don't give him any water.
He does this annoying thing where every time he takes a drink of water he goes, "Ah" She does this annoying thing where every time she takes a drink of water she is an old nag.
Ah, the playful banter of a couple on the same team.
That's what this is, right? All right, let's burn this candle.
Joan, if we could just have a moment.
We need to get ready.
Oh, no, no.
We gotta go.
Yeah, the uppers are kicking in.
Just took some ludes to kind of smooth it out, so I'm right in that sweet spot.
Got about 20 minutes before I either get really tired or really horny, so let's roll.
Dougie, are you sure you want to go on television? You look like a leather glove got caught in a lawnmower.
Okay, you know what? I'm going to admit something.
I orchestrated the Pawnee-Eagleton merger, and I was hoping that your marriage could show people that a happy union is possible.
So when you're out there, if you could just, you know, look back over the past and focus on the good times, okay? Donna, you wanted to see me? Yes, I did, troll.
What? You tried to adopt a cat last week and I turned you down, because I thought it was too sad for you to have six cats.
Then you tried to blow up my spot online.
You're fired.
You're not my boss, I work for the city attorney's office.
You're fired.
How much postage does it take to send a letter to Canada? - Who's it going to? - Canada.
It says, "Dear Canada, you.
" Doug and Rosie DeMarco, Ahh.
Tell us how you first met.
Well, it was 1963, and we met, and it was great.
Isn't love grand? to bridge the meaningless divide between Pawnee and Eagleton.
Yeah, my show, my questions.
So what is the secret sauce that we should all be putting on our marriage burgers? Well, we never go to bed angry.
Never, ever would have thought of that.
- Ahh.
- Okay.
I can't do this.
Leslie, you can keep your money.
M-money? Did you bribe them to be here? No, I Leslie offered us each - Ah - But it's impossible.
You want to know why we got married? Bring it.
I had no prospects, and Dougie here had an alcohol problem.
Plus the Cold War was happening, and frankly, we all thought we were gonna die.
Well, I figured I could really tick off my parents by shacking up with some Pawnee trash.
Ya-ta-ta-ta-ta.
Okay.
We all agree that marriages have their ups and downs, but at the end of the day, they're worth it because Who likes tap dancing? I slept with Sharon in 1979.
I used to get out of the shower in front of your brother on purpose.
Hey, Leslie, who cares? They're old people.
They eat, they sleep, they complain, and they watch Family Feud.
Oh, my God, I wanna be an old person.
Gah, I don't know what to do.
I wish Ben was here.
What is he doing right now? Oh, man! - You did good! - Larry! Whoa! Wow.
Thank you.
Can I help you? Yeah, I own Lettuce Eat, the vegan restaurant on Lowell Drive, and I wanted to know why you nailed this letter to my door.
"Veganism is the sad result "of a morally corrupt mind.
Reconsider your life.
" Because I believe it.
Good day.
Carnivores.
You're all the same.
How did that guy know where to find you? I assume he saw my name and address at the bottom of the letter I nailed to his door.
- You signed your real name? - Of course I did.
What's gonna happen? A vegan is gonna physically attack me? They're basically made of glass.
But more importantly, if you believe in something, you sign your name to it.
Which is why the makers of carbonated water will soon know exactly where to find me.
Donna, Kyle did not write those things, okay? I did.
- I know.
- You do? I checked what else that user had written.
It was a review of a funeral home that said "Great first date spot.
" I dragged Kyle in here to see if you would come clean.
Well, you overestimated how much I care what happens to Kyle.
Or anyone, really.
But I'm sorry that I didn't just talk to you.
And I'm sorry I bailed on work.
And I'm sorry I toyed with you instead of coming at you straight.
From now on, we say what we feel.
- Cool? - Cool.
Your lipstick looks weird.
You're gonna want to shut your mouth right now.
Good talk.
I don't know.
Maybe Pawneeans and Eagletonians aren't meant to coexist.
Well, at least our merger is going well.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
You know, Andy and Tom were right when they said the DeMarcos don't matter.
Their generation's the past.
The way to make this merger take hold is to focus on the future.
Of course.
The children.
The children are our future.
Whitney Houston knew it, and so do you, and so do I.
I'm gonna need your help on something.
- I think we should go to work - Oh.
But not now.
We're having dinner.
Damn, this paella is good.
Did you put saffron in here? It makes the shellfish taste delicious.
Yes.
Yes, it does.
Okay, the people in this room are the first members of the Pawnee-Eagleton Youth Committee.
Now, April says that young people think the word "committee" is lame, so let's just think of this as a like a super chill, fun e-hangout.
Worse.
That's worse.
Okay, new people.
Let's introduce ourselves.
Craig Middlebrooks.
Samantha in the boardroom, Miranda in the bedroom.
I know it's not ideal, but it's who I am.
This is my friend Madison.
She's amazing.
And she drove me here! Okay.
This group has an incredibly important job.
You need to figure out how to hold this town together.
You are going to meet twice a week and you're here because of your energy, and your youth, and for some of you, your mental age, and you're going to find a way to make this merger stick.
So we are gonna order you some 'zzas.
You get to B.
S.
-ing, brainstorming.
Just chill.
Peace out.
Okay, so it's been an hour.
From out there, it looks like you guys were having some fun, getting to know each other.
So why don't we call this first meeting a success and then we'll get together later in the week.
Hold up, sweet pea.
We have an idea.
It's called the Unity Concert.
It's a massive music and arts festival to celebrate the merger.
We get artists and musicians from both towns to come together.
It's gonna be like a giant Woodstock, except for instead of everybody rolling around in mud, they'll be rolling around in happiness.
Or maybe mud.
I don't know.
I can't control the weather.
We want to have a bunch of different band stages.
You know, people will go to parts of the town they don't usually go to.
Plus, we'll have tents for art exhibits and panels, and maybe a short film festival.
Donna said she might be able to get Ginuwine.
That's given me a reason to live.
Yeah, it's not like everyone's gonna suddenly start holding hands and making out, but we figure, why not throw a big three-day outdoor party, show everyone a good time, and maybe they'll forget about this stupid stuff.
What do you think? I don't I don't I don't even You know what I mean? What's wrong with her? Why is making those noises? Oh, right, you don't know Leslie.
That means she loves it so much she can't speak.
You guys, that's like I don't know Amazing.
Like what you do there.
Happy anniversary.
So I know we agreed on no gifts.
- What? - But I did get you a gift.
- No.
- A bunch of them, actually.
I was gonna surprise you with them yesterday, but they never reached you.
Ahem.
Oh, my eff-ing God.
You planned all of this for me? An enchanted carriage? This is amazing.
Oh, and your scrapbook instincts are really good.
I mean, this is a little rough, but you have a lot of talent here.
Oh, I can't believe I actually defeated Leslie Knope at a gift exchange.
- Yes! - Uh, yeah.
About that.
Happy anniversary.
It's the Iron Throne.
Ohh! It's the Iron Throne.
Yes, it is.
I had a guy at the model store make a replica.
He's a bigger Game of Thrones fan than you are.
Okay, I know I'm making that dumb surprise face, but I can't help it.
This is the greatest gift I've ever received, Leslie.
When you play the game of thrones, you win or you die.
Yes.
No.
Yes.
No! Come here.
Come hither, peasant.
Come here.
Who are you? Our starship is in trouble.
Okay, Leslie, listen.
If you're not if you don't know what you're talking about