Reno 911! (2003) s06e14 Episode Script
Secret Santa
OK, so your name is George? You're the manager? Yes, sir.
Yes.
OK.
Your tag checks out there.
I got the tape from the surveillance video.
George: I installed this whole thing here Last time this happened, so- Is that that camera right up there? Yes, sir.
OK.
He gets up on this counter? Yes, sir.
That's this counter.
That is this table right here.
He's undoing his pants there.
[Man on TV urinating.]
It's evidence, I guess, now.
Yeah.
Oh, you want to maybe put it in one cup.
Put it all in one cup, and then we'll just send it Straight to the lab.
OK.
Son of a bitch.
Goddamn it! [Tires screech.]
Come on.
They all have guns! Whoo hoo! Ow! Push them together? Get off the bike! Off your bike.
Oh! God! [All taking at once.]
Aah! [Siren.]
We got a call about some lights Out in the desert here.
We got to check it out.
Probably nothing, but- You put a little bit in a bowl, smoke it.
Is that the one you make a tea out of, Herbal.
You can put it in a tea Get a shaman, get a guide? Or you can smoke a little bowl of it, too, totally legal.
Huh, Salvia.
Somebody is already on it.
Hey, boys.
Hi, fellas.
Sorry.
We didn't know.
Great to see you over there.
We thought we was first on the scene.
Oh, no, no.
We beat you to it.
Yeah.
We were in the area.
We got the call.
Somebody saw some lights or something? Yeah.
It's all taken care of.
You don't got to worry about it.
You have a good one.
Take care, you guys.
Hey, can I ask you something? Yeah.
Do you know those guys? I thought you did.
That's why I was like- I wasn't gonna say anything.
I thought you knew- I thought you knew those guys.
Yeah.
No.
I never- I don't remember any of those guys.
Well, I mean- Who are those- You know, like- On the other side of the road, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Behind you, there's all those other guys.
Those are those guys, right? Right? Hey, how y'all doing? Hey, guys.
Oh, hey, guys.
You guys are back.
I thought you guys were leaving.
I thought we told you to leave.
Uh, we did.
You guys are- You're with us.
Third generation.
Hey, when you guys get home, Just take a good, long shower, Wash any exposed skin and everything.
Officer 2: yeah, and actually, if you have An eye-wash rig at home, I'd recommend using that.
We got one at the station.
There you go.
Seriously Do you guys want coffee or hoagies or anything at all? Because we're about to make a run.
We're already in the car.
No, no.
It's that acid reflux.
OK.
I know.
It's late.
It's late.
Hey, good night.
Good night, guys.
Adios.
Last chance for coffee and hoagie! Yeah.
No, thanks.
OK.
You are too kind.
All right.
Let's dig it up.
Yep.
He's over here.
He's- Uh-Uh, uh-Uh, uh-Uh, uh-Uh.
Easy, vest.
Bye-Bye.
You have nothing to say here.
Andrew- He's not the issue.
The issue is me, OK? I come into captain Crabby, one, for quality, Two, for my baby, my girlfriend, my sweet love.
It's her birthday.
All I want was to bring her To an expensive dinner and have them sing "Happy birthday," and they said no.
All of these people here are jealous.
Calm down.
Hush.
Can I-Can I ask you something? Yes.
Please.
Please, please ask me a question.
I'm gonna ask you the simplest question.
Yes.
Please.
Is this a sex doll? Yes.
State law says that a restaurant must sing "Birthday" despite race, creed, color, inanimate.
How much did you spend on this thing? $17,000.
Oh, my god.
It was worth it.
It was worth it.
It was worth 17- Soon as you get in this, never got back to human.
Don't do that again.
Don't do this.
Don't do that.
Oh, OK.
Oh, you know what? Oh, hey, gesture police, I can do this.
I can do this.
I can do this.
I can do this.
You can do it all night.
Yep, yep, yep, yep.
I can do this.
Bup, bup, bup.
Nope.
No! I can do whatever I want.
If you get the captain Crabby shrimp- Birthday shrimp for a song, Then, yes, I will be satisfied.
Just want to go to lunch.
Williams and jack: â happy, happy birthday, sue â à happy, happy birthday, sue â à happy, happy birthday, sue â à happy, happy birthday, sue â Ah, see? That's nice.
See? What? Uh-Oh.
She's said I can go down on her.
Here? OK, baby.
OK.
No, no.
Get him.
What? Oh, come on now.
Come on! Andrew, that's it.
Dangle: hey, outstanding news.
I bet you're all gonna be excited.
[Imitates drum roll.]
We're finally recognizing the Armenian genocide.
I feel like every time you do one of them drum rolls Hmm? You're starting the bar way too high.
Was that too exciting? That was, like getting you too excited? We think we're gonna have some kind of taco bar or Oh.
Sorry.
Or they're closing down the amusement park Just for us? Yeah.
Something, yeah.
Is the Armenian genocide some sort of festival? No.
There is an Armenian festival.
This is not that.
No.
Travis? Are we gonna maybe redo secret Santa, Maybe do 2 out of 3 this year? Just because I've heard a lot of people saying That they weren't really specifically happy With their secret Santa.
Wait.
No.
No one said that.
Trudy: wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Who said that? Frankie: I didn't say that.
Junior: that's what the talk-The talk is that- The talk is, or your talk is? Jack: I get crazy anxiety about pulling that.
I don't want to go through that again.
That's not in the spirit of the season.
We should all just get on board.
You know, we all know each other well enough To pick gifts that represent our personalities, I think.
You know what? This is a little off topic, guys, But just about those lights the other night, Headquarters called and said it was Just a helicopter reflecting off a batch of swamp gas, Nothing to be concerned about.
So done deal.
Good meeting, team.
Productive work.
See you.
See you, guys.
Are those guys the same guys that are always there? That's what I was just gonna ask.
They never talk.
They never talk.
They are, right? Jack: who else would they be? Why would you be in this room And sit through this shit If you didn't have to? Exactly.
Precisely.
What the hell? Junior: holy fucking shit.
What? Huh? Do we have to do secret Santa for them guys, too? No.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Yeah.
We should know these guys.
I'm just not very good with names or faces Or remembering, like, a whole conversation Or, like, part of a conversation Or, you know, the facts or the figures Or the math or the- Butterflies.
Butterflies, right over there.
Oh.
No.
Piece of paper.
Piece of paper.
Yeah.
Garbage.
It's garbage, but it was fluttering just like a butterfly.
That's pretty.
Yeah.
You know how much these houses go for? How much? $400,000.
I can go buy a castle in France.
Ho ho.
Oh, right? OK.
OK.
Woman: freeze! Neighborhood watch! Come on.
Get your hands in the air.
Frankie: Reno sheriff's department.
Do you mind putting the guns down Can we just put the guns down? And we can just get to business? We could go check out this house over here.
We're just trying to do our job, ma'am.
Just put the gun down.
That's not gonna happen.
That's not gonna happen.
You should go back into your car, And you should go back to the sheriff's department.
Let's get in our car, and let's go back To the sheriff's department.
Did you leave your balls at the station house? You've got a gate.
Why do you have 150 guns here? Because we have a very low wall.
[Glass shatters.]
[Alarm blaring.]
Freeze! Freeze! Freeze! Neighborhood watch! No, no, no! You don't say freeze! You don't say freeze! We say freeze! Freeze! Neighborhood watch! You don't say freeze! We say freeze! Freeze, you fucker! Goddamn it! Man: get the fuck off my lawn! [Gunshots.]
Hey! Jesus! Different man: freeze! Neighborhood watch! Oh, my god! Damn it! [Gunfire, alarms blaring.]
Who the hell are these people? Man, I don't know.
I've never been to this neighborhood before.
Jesus! Oh, god.
Jesus.
Hey, how you doing? The keys.
Give me your car keys.
I'll be right back for you.
Go.
Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! This is a gated community.
He's come back! Go, go, go, go! Man: you forgot the stereo, assholes.
Ha ha ha! Yo soy El chupacabra! ácoco rico! ácoco rico! Aqui en KPBA 102.
0.
The cero is silent.
We are Reno's number-one Spanish-speaking radio station, And we're here with the Reno sheriff's department.
Reno sheriff, â¿cã"mo te van? Mucha gracias, Chupacabra! Y gracias por having us on the show.
Thanks for having us.
We just want to announce to all of your listeners out there That it's bicycle safety week.
If you come down to the Reno sheriff's department this Saturday, We're giving coupons for $4.
00 off Any bike helmet in the area.
[Snoring.]
Well, it is super important, though, so come on- What was that? That was a big sLeeping because Of your boring talking.
[Snoring.]
Yeah.
It may not be the most exciting thing in the world, But I think everybody appreciates bike safety.
You know what's exciting? Race wars! Ka ka ka ka ka ka ka ka ka ka ka ka ka ka ka ka ka! No, no, no, no.
Race cars.
Time for a commercial break.
[Speaking Spanish.]
[Speaking Spanish.]
I know.
[Speaks Spanish.]
Yo voy con pistola, sãÂ, ping-ping cuando se van.
ÿdesde al frente? No.
Al behind.
SãÂ.
I'm going to kill them.
Am I crazy? You said you're gonna shoot us With a gun when we leave.
Nah.
That's just Spanish.
It's a joke.
That's an expression.
I would not shoot you from behind Como un cobarde, a coward.
No.
I will shoot you from the front.
And we're back on the air having fun.
ácoco rico! ácoco rico! ácoco rico! ácoco rico! Hey, Tru? What? I have an idea for how we could check To see if the 3 fellows whose names I can't remember- Yeah.
How? I got a plan.
OK.
It's not checked out, but here's the thing.
OK.
I think they're all Jews.
Why? What makes you think that? Just look at their faces? They have those beaky faces Yeah.
But here's the thing.
I need you to get some pictures of their foreskins.
How am I gonna do that? I think the old-fashioned way.
You know what I'll do? What's that? I'm just gonna go old school.
Yeah? I'm just gonna say, "hey, guys, I'm having "A make-out party at my place tonight.
Why don't you bring your dicks? Right.
Trudy: last year for secret Santa, Everyone got a present except for me.
That doesn't make any sense.
Because the person who got your name Didn't want to get you nothing.
That's Fitz.
That's not Fitz.
That's just somebody Don't like you.
Yep.
We got a secret Jew in the group.
That's what that is.
No.
Hey! Oh.
Hey, ladies.
What's happening? How you doing, fellas? What was that? Are y'all related or- No.
No, no, no, no.
I thought you were related because you're name is [indistinct.]
.
What? I'm sorry.
Excuse me.
I'm eating a hot dog.
Did you just say my name was Fernando? No.
I'm training her for a hot dog eating contest.
We're training for a hot dog eating contest.
On, no.
My god.
Oh.
Show us how fast you can eat one.
Show us how fast you can eat one.
Do it.
Do it.
Trudy! Trudy! Trudy! Trudy! Trudy! Trudy! Trudy! Trudy! Trudy! Tru- OK.
All right.
Hey, we took care of car 57 for you.
Don't worry about it.
Jesus, these smell bad.
Is it sulfur? Thanks, [indistinct.]
.
They ain't getting no secret Santa If we don't know who the hell they are.
Ohh here we go.
I fucking hate this place.
Let's go, sarge.
[Men yelling.]
[Punching.]
[Glass breaks.]
[Clang.]
[Glass breaks.]
[Crash.]
Yeah.
Shit.
Fuck you! [Gunshots.]
Hah cha cha cha cha cha cha.
OK, OK, OK.
Jones: ho! Sheriff's department.
Everybody needs to cool the fuck out! Sorry, ma'am.
Wish we could've made it here in time for the action.
You, get the fuck out of my bar! Aah! Aah! Sheriff's department.
Hi.
Uhh Uhh to you, too.
Mike, we're here because your neighbors Have been wondering about you a little bit.
Yeah? They're a little concerned about, you know- About this whole scenario here.
They're concerned.
That's nice.
That's nice.
That's a nice- You know, when you buy into a neighborhood like this Yeah? You know, you watch each other's back, and- You're good? You're fine? Oh! Oh! Come on, Michael.
Michael! Uh-Oh.
"Uh-Oh.
" These ain't my pants.
Can you tell us about last night? I was partying down.
Really? I was down- Yeah? Down over at the, ohh, biker bar, But they're not real bikers, The biker bar, though, lot of fellas Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Mm, then what happened? We got it on beerwise and then got it on With a shot and then, "you want a [indistinct.]
, man?" "What's that? Oh, I did it off his back- Ha ha ha- And then bloop.
Bloop.
Bloop is Went blank.
What did-Oh.
That's all you remember.
And then you guys hassling me.
It hurts when I breathe.
Yeah? Yeah, yeah.
Mm, god Did someone punch you in the gut, too? I think they punched me up in the butt.
Up the butt.
There's another word for that.
Hey, Marvin? It's not hey Marvin.
It's Lee Marvin, is what I meant.
Lee Marvin.
Lee Marvin.
Lee Marvin.
When I said, "hey, Marvin," I was going to reference Lee Marvin In that terrific picture "Paint your wagons red"? That's exactly what I meant.
"Paint your wagons red.
Yeah.
Yep.
Hi, kids.
My name is deputy Trudy Wiegel, And I am from the Reno sheriff's department, And I am here today to talk to you about your red-light areas.
Now, I know it's sometimes hard to keep track of all of them Because we got so darn many of them, So I wrote a little song to help you remember just where they are.
à ooh, jump down, turn around â à don't you touch my bunghole â à jump down, turn around â à don't you touch my boobs â à jump down, turn around â à don't you touch my fanny â à jump down, turn around â à don't you touch my cooch ooh, lordy â à don't you touch my fun bags â à oh, lordy â à don't you touch my vage â à jump down, turn around â à don't you touch my wiener â à jump down, turn around â à don't you touch my hole â à jump down, turn around â à don't you touch my scrotum â à jump down, turn around â à don't play with my balls â For 3 years in a row, Trudy Wiegel has gotten me for secret Santa.
caramel apple.
I threw the caramel apple away at the station.
Last year, swear to god, same caramel apple.
And every year, he throws it away, So I just take it out of the garbage.
Next year, I regift it.
I just put more sprinkles on the outside And make it look more festive.
Also every year, I give him a coupon for a hug.
He hasn't turned any of them in yet to get his hugs.
I think he's probably saving them all up to trade them in For one big blow job.
Raar raar raar raar! Ha ha ha! Got a 911 call out here in Donner state park.
Boy, this is a long drive.
Thank you.
Good to see you.
Yeah.
You OK? You guys came in like the Flintstones.
That was like yabba dabba doo.
It's an 18-Minute drive from the main highway.
Yeah.
We had a washout, too.
I'm surprised you guys got through that.
Yeah.
I think we bottomed out there, Took some damage.
You all right? Good to see you.
You look good.
You look good.
You lose weight? Thank you.
Thank you.
Yeah, a little bit, little bit, yeah.
You working out? A little bit, little bit.
Good.
You look strong.
Not a social call, I hope.
God, I hope this is not a social call.
No, sir.
No, no.
Come on over here.
Have a seat.
Have a seat.
No, no, no.
We will not sit down.
Is the perp still here? Perp still here? It's a yarn.
It's a bit of a yarn.
We don't have time.
We don't have time for a bit of a yarn.
We for sure don't have time for a yarn.
So, I'm out there, and I'm in a certain area, And I see something.
I'm thinking, "Oh, maybe that's a bear.
" You know, I got Chuck, And I got Gary over on this side.
I got names for them, you know? And then I think it was, like, a guy.
It looked like a man, but I'm not sure because he was- Vagrant, homeless fella.
I think it was a homeless vagrant.
Homeless man.
Dressed as a bear? Probably a drifter.
Probably a bear or just your mistake? I'm thinking bear, maybe bobcat.
No, sir.
Guys, I wouldn't call you our here For some nonsense.
This guy- Although you have before.
You have before.
You have before.
Trust me, guys.
OK.
Glen, do us a favor.
Be honest with us now.
There was no Man-Bear.
Man-Bear.
There was a- Come on now.
There was a bear on the ridge.
Just a bear on the ridge.
That's where he should be, in the national parks.
National park, that's where a bear should be.
If it was a drifter, I'm unprepared.
We like you.
I think you're a good guy.
You're a good guy.
We like you.
What are you doing for Christmas? Well, going to my-Chicago.
Family is doing a thing, so- You? Going with him to Chicago.
We're going to Chicago to do a thing.
We're going to Chicago.
Yeah.
I'll be out here by myself.
You know- Saddest time of the year is Christmas.
That's a fact.
That's where the Donners ate each other, Right, up there? Isn't that- Right, I believe, right there.
Yeah.
Right there.
It's been great.
I could've sworn I just heard some whispering Over from the Donner bones, but- You might want to check that out.
Wow, it's been great.
Oh, it's been great.
Bye, Glen.
Don't chase the car.
Don't chase the car.
It's dangerous.
Don't chase the car.
Dangle: I think there's a very good chance That the blond one's name is- I yelled out, "hey, Glarry.
" "Hey, Glarry"? "Glarry"? It's either-He might be Gary or Larry Because I was trying to say Gary, And I made a mistake.
I said, "hey, Glarry.
" The glasses guy kind of looks like Roge.
Frankie: he looks like an Ernie.
Glasses guy does look like an Ernie.
He looks like an Ernie.
Are we gonna start doing "looks like"? Ladies and gentlemen of the Reno, Nevada, sheriff's department, You've, no doubt, by now surmised that We are not who we claim to be.
We are not actually members of the Reno sheriff's department.
We are members of the office of homeworld security.
Yes.
A rain of antimatter was coming down Upon the very desert in which you all live, And we stopped it from killing every last one of you.
Yes? Is your name Glarry? That's the most ridiculous- That's not a name.
Who is named Glarry? I turned because I heard Glarry And I thought, "what the hell does Glarry mean?" Flat out mistake, and I apologize.
Now please come with us, And we will answer every question you have.
Come on.
Was that not clear? We meant right now.
We meant right now.
You can follow us.
Let us go now.
Time is of the essence.
Ladies and gentlemen, do not forget what's happened here.
There's one thing that you need to remember.
It's do not trust your senses.
We'll be in contact.
If we're not, pray.
Let's go! Godspeed.
[Mumbling.]
So, we don't have to do them for secret Santa.
No.
We don't.
All: yeah! Last time I did Whippits, Roy Clark appeared And told me not to do Whippits anymore, And I stopped.
Well, that would do it for me.
Cold turkey.
I think he's dead.
You had a vision.
Yeah, yeah.
Of Roy Clark.
Oh, no.
He's long dead.
Long dead.
Came out, big smile, Red, white, and blue banjo, And said, "Travis, you straighten up.
" You know, I got some in the trunk.
Salvia? Yeah.
And Whippits.
Oh.
Not tonight.
Not, as it were, a school night.
Ha ha ha! I'm fucking with you.
"School night.
Yeah, let's do some.
Let's do some Whippits really quick.
Yes.
OK.
Your tag checks out there.
I got the tape from the surveillance video.
George: I installed this whole thing here Last time this happened, so- Is that that camera right up there? Yes, sir.
OK.
He gets up on this counter? Yes, sir.
That's this counter.
That is this table right here.
He's undoing his pants there.
[Man on TV urinating.]
It's evidence, I guess, now.
Yeah.
Oh, you want to maybe put it in one cup.
Put it all in one cup, and then we'll just send it Straight to the lab.
OK.
Son of a bitch.
Goddamn it! [Tires screech.]
Come on.
They all have guns! Whoo hoo! Ow! Push them together? Get off the bike! Off your bike.
Oh! God! [All taking at once.]
Aah! [Siren.]
We got a call about some lights Out in the desert here.
We got to check it out.
Probably nothing, but- You put a little bit in a bowl, smoke it.
Is that the one you make a tea out of, Herbal.
You can put it in a tea Get a shaman, get a guide? Or you can smoke a little bowl of it, too, totally legal.
Huh, Salvia.
Somebody is already on it.
Hey, boys.
Hi, fellas.
Sorry.
We didn't know.
Great to see you over there.
We thought we was first on the scene.
Oh, no, no.
We beat you to it.
Yeah.
We were in the area.
We got the call.
Somebody saw some lights or something? Yeah.
It's all taken care of.
You don't got to worry about it.
You have a good one.
Take care, you guys.
Hey, can I ask you something? Yeah.
Do you know those guys? I thought you did.
That's why I was like- I wasn't gonna say anything.
I thought you knew- I thought you knew those guys.
Yeah.
No.
I never- I don't remember any of those guys.
Well, I mean- Who are those- You know, like- On the other side of the road, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Behind you, there's all those other guys.
Those are those guys, right? Right? Hey, how y'all doing? Hey, guys.
Oh, hey, guys.
You guys are back.
I thought you guys were leaving.
I thought we told you to leave.
Uh, we did.
You guys are- You're with us.
Third generation.
Hey, when you guys get home, Just take a good, long shower, Wash any exposed skin and everything.
Officer 2: yeah, and actually, if you have An eye-wash rig at home, I'd recommend using that.
We got one at the station.
There you go.
Seriously Do you guys want coffee or hoagies or anything at all? Because we're about to make a run.
We're already in the car.
No, no.
It's that acid reflux.
OK.
I know.
It's late.
It's late.
Hey, good night.
Good night, guys.
Adios.
Last chance for coffee and hoagie! Yeah.
No, thanks.
OK.
You are too kind.
All right.
Let's dig it up.
Yep.
He's over here.
He's- Uh-Uh, uh-Uh, uh-Uh, uh-Uh.
Easy, vest.
Bye-Bye.
You have nothing to say here.
Andrew- He's not the issue.
The issue is me, OK? I come into captain Crabby, one, for quality, Two, for my baby, my girlfriend, my sweet love.
It's her birthday.
All I want was to bring her To an expensive dinner and have them sing "Happy birthday," and they said no.
All of these people here are jealous.
Calm down.
Hush.
Can I-Can I ask you something? Yes.
Please.
Please, please ask me a question.
I'm gonna ask you the simplest question.
Yes.
Please.
Is this a sex doll? Yes.
State law says that a restaurant must sing "Birthday" despite race, creed, color, inanimate.
How much did you spend on this thing? $17,000.
Oh, my god.
It was worth it.
It was worth it.
It was worth 17- Soon as you get in this, never got back to human.
Don't do that again.
Don't do this.
Don't do that.
Oh, OK.
Oh, you know what? Oh, hey, gesture police, I can do this.
I can do this.
I can do this.
I can do this.
You can do it all night.
Yep, yep, yep, yep.
I can do this.
Bup, bup, bup.
Nope.
No! I can do whatever I want.
If you get the captain Crabby shrimp- Birthday shrimp for a song, Then, yes, I will be satisfied.
Just want to go to lunch.
Williams and jack: â happy, happy birthday, sue â à happy, happy birthday, sue â à happy, happy birthday, sue â à happy, happy birthday, sue â Ah, see? That's nice.
See? What? Uh-Oh.
She's said I can go down on her.
Here? OK, baby.
OK.
No, no.
Get him.
What? Oh, come on now.
Come on! Andrew, that's it.
Dangle: hey, outstanding news.
I bet you're all gonna be excited.
[Imitates drum roll.]
We're finally recognizing the Armenian genocide.
I feel like every time you do one of them drum rolls Hmm? You're starting the bar way too high.
Was that too exciting? That was, like getting you too excited? We think we're gonna have some kind of taco bar or Oh.
Sorry.
Or they're closing down the amusement park Just for us? Yeah.
Something, yeah.
Is the Armenian genocide some sort of festival? No.
There is an Armenian festival.
This is not that.
No.
Travis? Are we gonna maybe redo secret Santa, Maybe do 2 out of 3 this year? Just because I've heard a lot of people saying That they weren't really specifically happy With their secret Santa.
Wait.
No.
No one said that.
Trudy: wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Who said that? Frankie: I didn't say that.
Junior: that's what the talk-The talk is that- The talk is, or your talk is? Jack: I get crazy anxiety about pulling that.
I don't want to go through that again.
That's not in the spirit of the season.
We should all just get on board.
You know, we all know each other well enough To pick gifts that represent our personalities, I think.
You know what? This is a little off topic, guys, But just about those lights the other night, Headquarters called and said it was Just a helicopter reflecting off a batch of swamp gas, Nothing to be concerned about.
So done deal.
Good meeting, team.
Productive work.
See you.
See you, guys.
Are those guys the same guys that are always there? That's what I was just gonna ask.
They never talk.
They never talk.
They are, right? Jack: who else would they be? Why would you be in this room And sit through this shit If you didn't have to? Exactly.
Precisely.
What the hell? Junior: holy fucking shit.
What? Huh? Do we have to do secret Santa for them guys, too? No.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Yeah.
We should know these guys.
I'm just not very good with names or faces Or remembering, like, a whole conversation Or, like, part of a conversation Or, you know, the facts or the figures Or the math or the- Butterflies.
Butterflies, right over there.
Oh.
No.
Piece of paper.
Piece of paper.
Yeah.
Garbage.
It's garbage, but it was fluttering just like a butterfly.
That's pretty.
Yeah.
You know how much these houses go for? How much? $400,000.
I can go buy a castle in France.
Ho ho.
Oh, right? OK.
OK.
Woman: freeze! Neighborhood watch! Come on.
Get your hands in the air.
Frankie: Reno sheriff's department.
Do you mind putting the guns down Can we just put the guns down? And we can just get to business? We could go check out this house over here.
We're just trying to do our job, ma'am.
Just put the gun down.
That's not gonna happen.
That's not gonna happen.
You should go back into your car, And you should go back to the sheriff's department.
Let's get in our car, and let's go back To the sheriff's department.
Did you leave your balls at the station house? You've got a gate.
Why do you have 150 guns here? Because we have a very low wall.
[Glass shatters.]
[Alarm blaring.]
Freeze! Freeze! Freeze! Neighborhood watch! No, no, no! You don't say freeze! You don't say freeze! We say freeze! Freeze! Neighborhood watch! You don't say freeze! We say freeze! Freeze, you fucker! Goddamn it! Man: get the fuck off my lawn! [Gunshots.]
Hey! Jesus! Different man: freeze! Neighborhood watch! Oh, my god! Damn it! [Gunfire, alarms blaring.]
Who the hell are these people? Man, I don't know.
I've never been to this neighborhood before.
Jesus! Oh, god.
Jesus.
Hey, how you doing? The keys.
Give me your car keys.
I'll be right back for you.
Go.
Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! This is a gated community.
He's come back! Go, go, go, go! Man: you forgot the stereo, assholes.
Ha ha ha! Yo soy El chupacabra! ácoco rico! ácoco rico! Aqui en KPBA 102.
0.
The cero is silent.
We are Reno's number-one Spanish-speaking radio station, And we're here with the Reno sheriff's department.
Reno sheriff, â¿cã"mo te van? Mucha gracias, Chupacabra! Y gracias por having us on the show.
Thanks for having us.
We just want to announce to all of your listeners out there That it's bicycle safety week.
If you come down to the Reno sheriff's department this Saturday, We're giving coupons for $4.
00 off Any bike helmet in the area.
[Snoring.]
Well, it is super important, though, so come on- What was that? That was a big sLeeping because Of your boring talking.
[Snoring.]
Yeah.
It may not be the most exciting thing in the world, But I think everybody appreciates bike safety.
You know what's exciting? Race wars! Ka ka ka ka ka ka ka ka ka ka ka ka ka ka ka ka ka! No, no, no, no.
Race cars.
Time for a commercial break.
[Speaking Spanish.]
[Speaking Spanish.]
I know.
[Speaks Spanish.]
Yo voy con pistola, sãÂ, ping-ping cuando se van.
ÿdesde al frente? No.
Al behind.
SãÂ.
I'm going to kill them.
Am I crazy? You said you're gonna shoot us With a gun when we leave.
Nah.
That's just Spanish.
It's a joke.
That's an expression.
I would not shoot you from behind Como un cobarde, a coward.
No.
I will shoot you from the front.
And we're back on the air having fun.
ácoco rico! ácoco rico! ácoco rico! ácoco rico! Hey, Tru? What? I have an idea for how we could check To see if the 3 fellows whose names I can't remember- Yeah.
How? I got a plan.
OK.
It's not checked out, but here's the thing.
OK.
I think they're all Jews.
Why? What makes you think that? Just look at their faces? They have those beaky faces Yeah.
But here's the thing.
I need you to get some pictures of their foreskins.
How am I gonna do that? I think the old-fashioned way.
You know what I'll do? What's that? I'm just gonna go old school.
Yeah? I'm just gonna say, "hey, guys, I'm having "A make-out party at my place tonight.
Why don't you bring your dicks? Right.
Trudy: last year for secret Santa, Everyone got a present except for me.
That doesn't make any sense.
Because the person who got your name Didn't want to get you nothing.
That's Fitz.
That's not Fitz.
That's just somebody Don't like you.
Yep.
We got a secret Jew in the group.
That's what that is.
No.
Hey! Oh.
Hey, ladies.
What's happening? How you doing, fellas? What was that? Are y'all related or- No.
No, no, no, no.
I thought you were related because you're name is [indistinct.]
.
What? I'm sorry.
Excuse me.
I'm eating a hot dog.
Did you just say my name was Fernando? No.
I'm training her for a hot dog eating contest.
We're training for a hot dog eating contest.
On, no.
My god.
Oh.
Show us how fast you can eat one.
Show us how fast you can eat one.
Do it.
Do it.
Trudy! Trudy! Trudy! Trudy! Trudy! Trudy! Trudy! Trudy! Trudy! Tru- OK.
All right.
Hey, we took care of car 57 for you.
Don't worry about it.
Jesus, these smell bad.
Is it sulfur? Thanks, [indistinct.]
.
They ain't getting no secret Santa If we don't know who the hell they are.
Ohh here we go.
I fucking hate this place.
Let's go, sarge.
[Men yelling.]
[Punching.]
[Glass breaks.]
[Clang.]
[Glass breaks.]
[Crash.]
Yeah.
Shit.
Fuck you! [Gunshots.]
Hah cha cha cha cha cha cha.
OK, OK, OK.
Jones: ho! Sheriff's department.
Everybody needs to cool the fuck out! Sorry, ma'am.
Wish we could've made it here in time for the action.
You, get the fuck out of my bar! Aah! Aah! Sheriff's department.
Hi.
Uhh Uhh to you, too.
Mike, we're here because your neighbors Have been wondering about you a little bit.
Yeah? They're a little concerned about, you know- About this whole scenario here.
They're concerned.
That's nice.
That's nice.
That's a nice- You know, when you buy into a neighborhood like this Yeah? You know, you watch each other's back, and- You're good? You're fine? Oh! Oh! Come on, Michael.
Michael! Uh-Oh.
"Uh-Oh.
" These ain't my pants.
Can you tell us about last night? I was partying down.
Really? I was down- Yeah? Down over at the, ohh, biker bar, But they're not real bikers, The biker bar, though, lot of fellas Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Mm, then what happened? We got it on beerwise and then got it on With a shot and then, "you want a [indistinct.]
, man?" "What's that? Oh, I did it off his back- Ha ha ha- And then bloop.
Bloop.
Bloop is Went blank.
What did-Oh.
That's all you remember.
And then you guys hassling me.
It hurts when I breathe.
Yeah? Yeah, yeah.
Mm, god Did someone punch you in the gut, too? I think they punched me up in the butt.
Up the butt.
There's another word for that.
Hey, Marvin? It's not hey Marvin.
It's Lee Marvin, is what I meant.
Lee Marvin.
Lee Marvin.
Lee Marvin.
When I said, "hey, Marvin," I was going to reference Lee Marvin In that terrific picture "Paint your wagons red"? That's exactly what I meant.
"Paint your wagons red.
Yeah.
Yep.
Hi, kids.
My name is deputy Trudy Wiegel, And I am from the Reno sheriff's department, And I am here today to talk to you about your red-light areas.
Now, I know it's sometimes hard to keep track of all of them Because we got so darn many of them, So I wrote a little song to help you remember just where they are.
à ooh, jump down, turn around â à don't you touch my bunghole â à jump down, turn around â à don't you touch my boobs â à jump down, turn around â à don't you touch my fanny â à jump down, turn around â à don't you touch my cooch ooh, lordy â à don't you touch my fun bags â à oh, lordy â à don't you touch my vage â à jump down, turn around â à don't you touch my wiener â à jump down, turn around â à don't you touch my hole â à jump down, turn around â à don't you touch my scrotum â à jump down, turn around â à don't play with my balls â For 3 years in a row, Trudy Wiegel has gotten me for secret Santa.
caramel apple.
I threw the caramel apple away at the station.
Last year, swear to god, same caramel apple.
And every year, he throws it away, So I just take it out of the garbage.
Next year, I regift it.
I just put more sprinkles on the outside And make it look more festive.
Also every year, I give him a coupon for a hug.
He hasn't turned any of them in yet to get his hugs.
I think he's probably saving them all up to trade them in For one big blow job.
Raar raar raar raar! Ha ha ha! Got a 911 call out here in Donner state park.
Boy, this is a long drive.
Thank you.
Good to see you.
Yeah.
You OK? You guys came in like the Flintstones.
That was like yabba dabba doo.
It's an 18-Minute drive from the main highway.
Yeah.
We had a washout, too.
I'm surprised you guys got through that.
Yeah.
I think we bottomed out there, Took some damage.
You all right? Good to see you.
You look good.
You look good.
You lose weight? Thank you.
Thank you.
Yeah, a little bit, little bit, yeah.
You working out? A little bit, little bit.
Good.
You look strong.
Not a social call, I hope.
God, I hope this is not a social call.
No, sir.
No, no.
Come on over here.
Have a seat.
Have a seat.
No, no, no.
We will not sit down.
Is the perp still here? Perp still here? It's a yarn.
It's a bit of a yarn.
We don't have time.
We don't have time for a bit of a yarn.
We for sure don't have time for a yarn.
So, I'm out there, and I'm in a certain area, And I see something.
I'm thinking, "Oh, maybe that's a bear.
" You know, I got Chuck, And I got Gary over on this side.
I got names for them, you know? And then I think it was, like, a guy.
It looked like a man, but I'm not sure because he was- Vagrant, homeless fella.
I think it was a homeless vagrant.
Homeless man.
Dressed as a bear? Probably a drifter.
Probably a bear or just your mistake? I'm thinking bear, maybe bobcat.
No, sir.
Guys, I wouldn't call you our here For some nonsense.
This guy- Although you have before.
You have before.
You have before.
Trust me, guys.
OK.
Glen, do us a favor.
Be honest with us now.
There was no Man-Bear.
Man-Bear.
There was a- Come on now.
There was a bear on the ridge.
Just a bear on the ridge.
That's where he should be, in the national parks.
National park, that's where a bear should be.
If it was a drifter, I'm unprepared.
We like you.
I think you're a good guy.
You're a good guy.
We like you.
What are you doing for Christmas? Well, going to my-Chicago.
Family is doing a thing, so- You? Going with him to Chicago.
We're going to Chicago to do a thing.
We're going to Chicago.
Yeah.
I'll be out here by myself.
You know- Saddest time of the year is Christmas.
That's a fact.
That's where the Donners ate each other, Right, up there? Isn't that- Right, I believe, right there.
Yeah.
Right there.
It's been great.
I could've sworn I just heard some whispering Over from the Donner bones, but- You might want to check that out.
Wow, it's been great.
Oh, it's been great.
Bye, Glen.
Don't chase the car.
Don't chase the car.
It's dangerous.
Don't chase the car.
Dangle: I think there's a very good chance That the blond one's name is- I yelled out, "hey, Glarry.
" "Hey, Glarry"? "Glarry"? It's either-He might be Gary or Larry Because I was trying to say Gary, And I made a mistake.
I said, "hey, Glarry.
" The glasses guy kind of looks like Roge.
Frankie: he looks like an Ernie.
Glasses guy does look like an Ernie.
He looks like an Ernie.
Are we gonna start doing "looks like"? Ladies and gentlemen of the Reno, Nevada, sheriff's department, You've, no doubt, by now surmised that We are not who we claim to be.
We are not actually members of the Reno sheriff's department.
We are members of the office of homeworld security.
Yes.
A rain of antimatter was coming down Upon the very desert in which you all live, And we stopped it from killing every last one of you.
Yes? Is your name Glarry? That's the most ridiculous- That's not a name.
Who is named Glarry? I turned because I heard Glarry And I thought, "what the hell does Glarry mean?" Flat out mistake, and I apologize.
Now please come with us, And we will answer every question you have.
Come on.
Was that not clear? We meant right now.
We meant right now.
You can follow us.
Let us go now.
Time is of the essence.
Ladies and gentlemen, do not forget what's happened here.
There's one thing that you need to remember.
It's do not trust your senses.
We'll be in contact.
If we're not, pray.
Let's go! Godspeed.
[Mumbling.]
So, we don't have to do them for secret Santa.
No.
We don't.
All: yeah! Last time I did Whippits, Roy Clark appeared And told me not to do Whippits anymore, And I stopped.
Well, that would do it for me.
Cold turkey.
I think he's dead.
You had a vision.
Yeah, yeah.
Of Roy Clark.
Oh, no.
He's long dead.
Long dead.
Came out, big smile, Red, white, and blue banjo, And said, "Travis, you straighten up.
" You know, I got some in the trunk.
Salvia? Yeah.
And Whippits.
Oh.
Not tonight.
Not, as it were, a school night.
Ha ha ha! I'm fucking with you.
"School night.
Yeah, let's do some.
Let's do some Whippits really quick.