Scrubs s06e14 Episode Script

J.
D.
: When a terminal patient seems to have given up, a good doctor will try anything to keep them going.
Betty, there's got to be something I can do to cheer you up.
I just wish I could see my dog.
So I'd just bring the dog in for a quick visit.
It would mean the world to her.
J.
D.
: Ever since Elliot went into private practice, Dr.
Kelso refused to speak to her.
He wouldn't say hello.
Good morning, Dr.
Kelso.
He wouldn't even say, "Watch out for that bucket.
" See you.
I've got to go give an endocrinology lecture.
I got you.
(CRASHING) My bad.
J.
D.
: But Elliot didn't let it get to her.
Okay, let's talk about ectopic ACTH-secreting tumors.
Guys, cell phones off, please.
She didn't help things by bringing up Kelso's dead dog.
Oh, come on, you brought Baxter to the hospital when he was alive.
Did you want to ask me something? Can a doctor bring a patient's dog into the hospital for a visit? I'm going to say the same thing I said to my new gardener when he asked me for Easter off.
"No way, José.
" His name's actually José.
That's why I hired him.
Look, so we just hired a new nanny, and she is super hot.
Please don't make a big deal out of this, or Carla will go crazy.
Turk, who are you talking to? I've seen a lot of hot girls.
I know how J.
D.
: Oh, my God.
We're going for a run with Izzy.
- Oh, J.
D.
, this is Heather.
- Hi, how are you? What's up? Oh, my God, she's so hot, I have to go hug her "hello.
" - Keep it together.
- I can't, I'm gonna make a scene.
Just grab my leg.
Grab my leg.
See you later.
- I'm light-headed.
- I can't feel my leg.
- I'm light-headed.
- I can't feel my You know what, it's too dark out.
I just realized, this tank top's a little see-through.
Go ahead.
(GROANS) (EXCLAIMS) Thank you so much for helping me sneak Boomer in, Janitor.
No problem.
Here you go, boy.
- Okay, boy, okay.
- Oh, what a good boy! Wait, what happened to all of your cleaning supplies? Actually, that's a very funny story.
And? Nothing.
I'm just looking at my cleaning supplies.
I got drunk last night and threw them up in that tree.
Anyway, let's do this.
Just stay cool.
No problemo.
Top of the morning, Dr.
Walter Mickhead.
Snoop Dogg Resident, when we hitting the clubs, yo? Oh, Colonel Doctor, that tie looks finger-lickin' good.
Wow, so natural.
Did you act in college? - I did, thank you.
- I can tell.
Hey, Carla.
Check it out.
- CARLA: He's so cute! - Heads up, here comes trouble.
Oh, no.
Don't worry.
Dr.
Kelso never makes eye contact with the patients.
Morning, sir.
Right.
Hello again, sir.
Nice job, Mr.
Berkland.
J.
D.
: Since Jordan had pre-natal surgery, she'd been on bed rest.
Dr.
Cox, however, was not.
Okay, I made you breakfast, the kitchen's as clean as a whistle, I'm gonna drop Jack off at daycare on the way to work.
Is there anything else I can do for you? I need you to go to the video store and get me anything with Viggo something-sen.
I need white chocolate, strawberry seltzer, peppercorn brie and a Polaroid of the tomato plant that I planted last spring because I'm worried it may have snails.
Oh, and if you see that neighbor, Lena, from down the hall, I want you to roll your eyes and say the word "slut" under your breath, but loud enough so she can hear.
And don't forget to be home by 6:30 because you gotta give Jack his bath before you make my dinner.
But when will I have time to kill myself? That's not my problem.
You know what sucks about having a hot nanny? I can't even look at Heather without Carla going ballistic.
Skeptical air-five.
She can't be that hot.
Oh, really? Because I just so happen to have a video from my nanny-cam that begs to differ.
My mom put a nanny-cam in our bathroom.
She said my baths were too long.
Fire up the smut.
How did you assemble everybody so quickly? Oh, I got the word out.
Booby! Booby! Booby! We did everything we could for your mom, but sometimes life just TODD: Booby! Got to go.
Booby horn.
J.
D.
: Ere they come! God, Keith and I haven't had sex in so long.
Okay, you said the same thing when you saw me changing Izzy's diaper.
What are you and Keith doing to each other? Oh, thank you so much, Dr.
Reid.
Can you believe how different she looks? I mean, thanks to Boomer, Betty has more energy, her vitals have improved.
If we keep this up, she might even get home and have a few more months.
Move.
What's up your butt? Yeah, what is all up in there? Why don't you hop aboard the What's-up-Dr.
-Cox's-butt Trolley, and we can begin our tour.
Coming up on the left is my bloated, bed-ridden ex-wife who's not allowed to lift a finger, which, thankfully, leaves it all up to these guys.
Now, if you'll look to your right, you'll see my waning libido, my crushed soul and my very last nerve, which I would advise you not to get on, under or even close to.
Does it help to know that Jesus loves you? It does not.
Well, everything happens for a reason.
Are you really trying to tell me that things like New Orleans, AIDS, sugar-free ice cream, crack babies, Hugh Jackman and cancer all happen for a reason? Because I'm sorry, I'm I'm just not buying that.
"God works all things for good.
" Romans, 8:28.
Bull dinky.
Perry Cox, 6'1 ".
A buck eighty-five after lunch.
What's the matter? You're so fussy.
Why are you so fussy? I'd let her give me a bath, I don't care if my mom was watching.
Could you make her eat a banana? It's not interactive, Todd.
There it is! There it is, let me Hey, baby! - What are you guys watching? - Football.
- Yeah, football.
- Yeah, football.
- Good game, good game.
- Football.
Yeah.
Football? Isn't the season over? J.
D.
: And then every male in the room fell totally in sync, resulting in the rarest of all phenomenon, the seamless, collaborative guy-lie.
The American season is over.
We were watching Mexican football.
- They started late this year.
- Because of the churro vendors.
They went on strike and the players wouldn't cross the picket line.
When the dispute turned violent, they called in Rodrigo Vasquez, the owner of the Baja Banditos, to step in.
Thanks to Señor Vasquez's experience dealing with the fruit-pickers' unions, he was able to broker a last-minute deal, and the season was salvaged.
And that's why we're watching football in the spring.
Whatever.
J.
D.
: And then Turk gave us the slightest of nods, which was the universal man-sign for, "Well done, men.
She'll never know.
" Turk, what the hell? Janitor, thank you so much for helping me sneak Boomer in again today.
No problem.
I once snuck a mongoose in this thing to kill all the snakes.
- Why were there snakes in here? - I snuck them in to kill all the mice.
Where's the disinfectant, Lurch? I spilled soda on my desk this morning, and now it's all sticky.
Well, I'm all out.
Here, use this.
You want me to clean soda with soda? Are you questioning the way I do my job? Did I question you when you did iliac bone marrow autopsy and failed to anesthetize the periosteum adequately? No.
No, you didn't.
(BARKING) Hey, the little fellow figured out the latch.
Just like the snakes.
Well, if it isn't Nurse "Everything Happens For A Reason.
" Oh, gosh darn it! I went ahead and spilled a little coffee.
I wonder what the reason was for that? (SCREAMS) J.
D.
: Okay, I am not moving until you at least offer to help me up.
There is no rhyme or reason to anything, why can't you just get that? Why is it so important that everyone believes what you do? Because I'm right, and I'm the only one with any proof.
J.
D.
: I'm still down here! You don't need proof when the good Lord fills your heart with faith.
Oh, my God.
(J.
D.
GROANS) J.
D.
: Thank you for that, Noelle.
You can keep on huffing and puffing all you want to, you're never gonna change the way I feel.
Oh, please! I am so angry right now You know what? We're no longer speaking! Guys, I need some help over here.
J.
D.
: There are lots of different ways to win an argument.
You can win it with an ultimatum.
I interviewed 23 girls until I found Heather, but if I ever catch you eyeballing her again, I will fire her tight little butt.
And then you'll get to spend every waking moment interviewing the next 23 fugly-ass candidates until we find another good one.
You can try to win it with logic.
Tell Dr.
Kelso that I know it's against hospital policy but that this dog has literally helped keep Mrs.
Dombrow alive.
Mrs.
Dombrow passed away this morning at 4:00 a.
m.
Tell Dr.
Reid there will be consequences for her insubordination, and say it with this face.
But the best way to win an argument is to simply leave your opponent speechless.
Patient was stabbed by a guy in a grocery store.
She's eight years old.
Why don't you go ahead and tell me what the reason is for this? Then I blew Laverne's argument clean out of the water when I asked her why an eight-year-old got knifed.
Oh, my God, that is so lucky.
I know.
I was thrilled, but then Laverne ruined everything.
There's a reason for this.
God's gonna show us eventually.
It's infuriating.
I must break her.
That feels so good.
I can't believe I'm about to say this, Per, but what the hell.
You know how I can never use the word "love" except in a sarcastic way, like, "I love other people's kids," or, "I love that haircut!" By the way, love that haircut, Per! Everybody does.
I just wanted to let you know that you've really been there for me these past few weeks, and I'm really glad I have you.
That was embarrassing for you.
I know, and I don't care.
What's he smiling about? Because of the dog thing, Dr.
Kelso wants me to tell you that he has informed your office that you're temporarily suspended from practicing at Sacred Heart.
Just so you know, I told him he was being ridiculous.
What did he say? He said, "Careful, Jumpsuit.
Who signs your paychecks?" And I said, "I don't know.
The Chief Accountant, Charles Fickinson "or Dickinson or something, I can't read the signature.
"And, for the hundredth time, this is not a jumpsuit, it's a shirt and a pants.
"Who wears a belt with a jumpsuit?" - And he says, "I may not have the" - Random nurse, could you please send out a memo that unauthorized personnel are not allowed in the hospital? Oh, here's Heather.
Why don't you look away and think about the kind of husband you are? Look who's here, Izzy.
She's been a little fussy, so I'm going to walk her to the car with you, okay? - See you, Mr.
Turk.
- See you.
You know, Heather? I actually have a little nanny-related question.
Does a spoonful of sugar really make the medicine go down? You know what? Sometimes it does.
J.
D.
: That was totally worth the six hours I spent last night writing that.
All right, look, I need you to do me a solid.
Ask Heather out on a date.
Don't worry, buddy.
You know how I roll.
I start with a couple off-the-cuff jokes just like that one.
Next up, I need you to find out if she's allergic to anything.
That way, I'll say I'm allergic to the same thing.
Women love that.
"Gluten! Me, too! We can eat together.
" Thirdly, if I lose a patient, I'll be able to cry like I just watched Extreme ome Makeover.
If everything goes according to plan, I should be out with her on a casual, not-a-real-date, just-two-friends- having-a-beer-talking-about-their-lives thing in about seven to nine weeks.
I need you to ask her on a date right now.
I never told you this before, but any time you hook up with a chick, she automatically becomes hideous to me.
- Really? - Hey, guys.
- Have you seen Carla? - Yeah, she just went outside.
Thanks.
I'm having a horrible fricking day.
I'll say.
You don't see that? Laverne, excuse me, this is This is Mr.
Peterson.
He's that young lady's father.
As you can imagine, he's having a pretty tough time with all of this.
And since you believe that everything happens for a reason, I was hoping you'd be able to tell him why this happened.
That's not her dad.
That's the delivery guy in a sweater.
- My name's Lloyd.
- Stay in character.
She's my world! Okay, imagine that this idiot were her father.
What the hell would you say to him? Oh, my God! There's a tumor the size of a golf ball right where the knife went in.
If we hadn't found this, she'd be a goner.
I think that's what I'd say.
- How'd we do? - Great.
Go.
So until Kelso reinstates me here, my practice has me doing house calls on all their rich clients.
During the last one, I'm taking the woman's vitals and her grandson kept trying to poke his tiny little finger up my butt.
- Kids, huh? - He's 41, Carla.
He just has very small hands.
Well, that's not right.
Can you believe Kelso? Dr.
Kelso's just angry, Elliot.
I mean, have you ever considered it from his side? His hospital trains you for five years, and you go get a better job.
Which is great! But, I mean, let me ask you this.
Have you ever once thanked him? - So how was your date with Heather? - It was touch-and-go at the end.
- I had a really good time tonight.
- Thanks.
Me, too.
J.
D.
: But I knew you needed me, so I went for it, Italian-style.
That's not what you want.
And just when it couldn't get any better J.
D.
? Oh, my God.
Chad Miller, Danny Murphy, Jim Stegger? The three football players who used to beat me up in high school.
Looks like we were wrong about you, man.
What are you guys up to now? We're all gay together.
- Do you remember Kristin Fisher? - Of course! You turned me down for homecoming and prom, even though I didn't ask you to either one.
Well, I'd love to make it up to you and have sex with both of you.
If that's all right with you, Heather.
As long as we make it all about J.
D.
Sure! Come on in.
Enough of this, let's go bang.
And that's why Heather will never look attractive to you again.
- Come on, buddy.
- Where did I lose you? How did Kristin know Heather's name? - Damn, you're good! - Yeah.
We went line dancing, and I cut her with one of my spurs.
I'm sorry, buddy.
All right, baby, here it is.
Our nanny is very attractive, but you and I, we're married, our relationship is rock-solid.
So I think we both know it's no big deal if I look at her every once in a while, right? Heather, we're gonna have to let you go.
So sorry.
Dr.
Kelso, I need to talk to you, and I know that you won't speak to me, but that's okay, because I just need you to listen.
You're a scary, scary man, and because I've been petrified of you, I've stayed up every night for five years studying medical books which I can pretty much now recite in my sleep.
I don't have a husband or kids, and the last movie I went to see was The Blair Witch Project, which is the main reason I've stopped camping.
That and the time a wolf mounted me My point is you've helped push me to become the doctor that I am today.
And for that, I want to thank you.
One more thing.
I'm sure that no dog could ever replace Baxter, but this little guy needs a home.
If you decide you don't want him, just bring him back to me.
(BARKING) - That was a coincidence.
- What? That knife, it just happened to go into the exact right spot.
You do not get a win for dumb luck.
Look, if that's the way you choose to see the world, then so be it, but don't you dare try to take this away from me.
I've been coming in here every day for 24 years, watching children die and seeing good people suffer, and if I quit believing that there was a bigger plan behind all this, well, I just wouldn't be able to show up tomorrow.
So just stop it! - I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
You'd be surprised how many bad things happen around here for a reason.
Well, I wish I could believe that.
It was awful that Jordan had to have pre-natal surgery, but how have you two been since then? I'm really glad I have you.
Better than ever.
Good night.
J.
D.
: So maybe sometimes bad things do happen for a reason.
Like your hot nanny getting fired.
Turk, look at this! (SCREAMING) You know, for a half-breed baby, your parents have some pretty nice stuff.
She was a racist thief.
A smoking-hot racist thief.
You look pretty.
Or how getting suspended can get a relationship back on track.
KELSO: Dr.
Reid! Consider your suspension over.
That said, you're still a ridiculous excuse for a doctor.
He talked to me.
Or how facing a tough situation can bring you closer together.
- How's that baby? - She's hanging in there.
Be careful, though, because around here, if you start believing that bad things happen for a reason, it hurts that much more when they don't.
What's with all the sad faces? Laverne was in a car accident on her way to work.
She's in a coma and unresponsive.