30 Rock s06e15 Episode Script

Here are all my receipts.
Look, I don't need these, Liz.
Your tax return is the same every year.
Actually, I'll have you know that this has been a year of change, Howard.
I joined an over-40 dance team, I started eating the lettuce on my plate under my onion rings, and I have taken up meditation thanks to my boyfriend Criss.
Yeah, do you remember what you said to me last year? This has been a year of change, Howard.
I'm actually eating the onion part of my onion rings, I started journaling thanks to my exciting relationship with Carol, who is a man.
Although we have done nothing that lesbians could not do.
Uhhuh.
Do you remember what you said to me last year? I bought a restaurant-grade onion ringer, and I'm having a go at cycling, thanks to my boyfriend Wesley, whom I hate.
Have I never washed this sweater? Look, there's nothing wrong with being predictable.
Every morning I get up and come to this office while my wife cheats on me with Jared.
Well, you're wrong.
I bought a meditation stool, and This year's gonna be different.
Jack, am I just in a permanent rut? I don't have time for your nonsense, Lemon.
I'm working.
I know this doesn't look like work, but are you familiar with the shower principle? I remember Mrs.
Doyle pulling me aside to talk about it - in the seventh grade.
- No.
The shower principle is a term scientists use to describe moments of inspiration that occur when the brain is distracted from the problem at hand.
For example, when you're showering.
I was in the shower when I finally got the title of the movie Face off.
Face off, face off.
Exactly.
If the cerebral cortex is distracted, by showering or putting, then another part of the brain, the anterior superior temporal gyrus is activated.
This is the site of sudden cognitive inspiration.
Nerd alert, nerd alert.
The problem at hand is this man, my boss, Hank Hooper.
Kabletown has grown a lot over the years, but it's still a family company with a very simple goal To entertain folks.
That's all people want.
To sit on their sofas Why am I putting on airs? To sit on their couches, and hear stories.
Here's one.
We were on patrol somewhere near the Cambodian border.
We can skip this part.
So we boiled the skull, and made a tea kettle out of it.
My point is, I believe that slow and steady wins the race.
We don't take risks.
We make profits.
So now, let's get this dog fashion show started! "Everyone hide your bones.
" "Dogbeard the pirate just sailed into woof harbor.
" You know what else Hank announced at that meeting? Record profits.
Really? Can we start getting real soda? Because I think Corka-Coola brand diet banana lime - causes "tum nungnuss.
" - No.
And do you know what Hank wants to do with that money? Pay a shareholder dividend.
Meanwhile, the Kabletown blimp is in such disrepair, we got a "jeers" in Corporate Blimps Weekly.
I want to use that money to transform this company, but first I have to convince Hank Hooper, a white man who still buys Cadillacs.
I just need the right idea.
Do you think a year ago today we were having this same conversation? Because it sure feels like it.
Probably.
And knowing you, as you were leaving you did something comically undignified.
Well, not this time, friend.
- Gumballs! - Lemon! S06 Ep15 - The shower principle Why is all the healthy food on the top shelf today? Cut it out, you perverts.
I know what you're doing.
It's the first warm day of the year, and women are starting to take off their winter clothes Good morning! Eyes down here, boys.
I have breasts, you know.
Nope, Hazel.
Button up.
Cerie, put on one of my soup ponchos.
This happens every spring, and it makes Jenna feel threatened, and old, and she takes it out on me and the show.
Every year she Every year.
The same thing happens every year.
Take a picture, it'll last longer.
Here you go.
Liz, at 11:00 we have Our annual budget meeting.
You know what I did a year ago today? Met with my accountant, went up to see Jack, told Cerie to cover herself up.
Yeah, stop doing that.
Paula canceled my subscription to shape magazine.
Why do you have to take Cerie away too? 'Cause Jenna's gonna freak out, and she'll take it out on me.
Last year, Jenna accused me of trying to destroy her because her lines didn't have any "K" sounds, which she thinks is the funniest sound.
My God.
My cousin Karl crashed his car, and now he's in a coma at the Kendall clinic.
Well Look, you don't know what Jenna's gonna do.
Yeah, I do.
It's in the book, and the book has been right about everything.
It can see the future.
Well, hang on.
If all of your problems are in the book, aren't the solutions in there too? Well, we'll see.
Last year, Jenna didn't come to her senses till I It's all here.
This is how I break the cycle.
Today, I prove the universe, and my accountant, wrong.
And, Pete, don't try to force a nickname this year.
But I just bought a Letterman jacket with "the German" embroidered on it.
It's not refundable if you personalize it! Jenna? I know you're gonna freak out today.
You're trying to destroy me.
I refuse to be in that sketch.
The MacBeth sketch? Shh, stop it.
You never say that name in the theater.
It is curs-ed.
Jenna, that's just a superstition.
Elizabeth, I was trained in stage acting and game show pointing at the Royal Tampa Academy of dramatic tricks.
Where I studied theater superstition, under Professor Duane "Crawfish" Kenny.
I'm not doing a sketch about the Scottish play.
Yeah, but this isn't MacBeth.
It's a timely satire of MacBeth, where mayor McCheese and his wife, an ambitious pickle, murder king Ronald.
Liz, I don't need any more bad luck.
Do you know how many mirrors I've smashed just thinking it was a blonde woman mocking me? Okay, fine.
Like last year I will Just ask Cerie to do it.
Sure, I'll do it.
I just have to be out in time for my band to be on Letterman.
Perfect.
Now everyone's happy.
That Jenna sure is a handful, Hazel, damn it! I know she takes you for granted.
But I don't.
Say, I bought a groupon for a couples' massage at a resort in the Catskills where Henny Youngman used to take his mistresses.
What do you say? No.
But if you want to help me, just keep an eye on Jenna.
I know she's gonna cave, I just want to make sure she doesn't do anything crazy first.
As the doctor said to me after my hepatitis test, "you got it, sweetheart.
" Banks will provide Tray.
Hold up, double "L".
I just want to clear this level.
To navigate the mortgage mess Tracy, that's the news.
It's the only way we can watch it.
Coming up next, how safe is your building's elevator? Yes! A thousand points! Sure.
Tracy, I know you insist on doing your own taxes for some reason.
I don't trust my accountant.
I think he's lying to me about being Jewish.
I step on more wine glasses than he does.
Well, last year on this date, you flipped out because you didn't know it was the 14th.
- So, this is an early warning - Wait, hold up.
I didn't even know it was April.
I was gonna tell Dotcom I loved his novel as an April fool's joke.
This is all hands on deck! K-9, form of desk.
Get the receipts out.
This big one's for your sneakers.
Yes, do your taxes, yes.
Why do you look so weird? Have I never seen you carry a bag before? I went and took a shower at the Racquet Club, where I saw Lou Dobbs step on his own testicles.
It was horrifying.
Still trying to get the ol' jumper cables on the tires of your brain muffler? I don't know cars.
I get ten minutes with Hank Hooper tonight.
Ten minutes to convince him to change his company forever.
This is a crossroads, Lemon.
You know what I miss about G.
E.
? The factories.
The sight of work being done, of things being made.
The deafening noise of machinery.
You have to talk like this! You can only say what's essential! And you get to point at things! Okay, well I, for one, am crushing it today.
I pre-solved my Tracy and Jenna problems, my budget meeting with Pete took three seconds, and I got this meditation candle for 80% off.
"Summer horse grave"? Did you say meditation candle? Lemon, are you planning to meditate? Yeah.
I bought a meditation stool, I have a mantra.
You have a mantra? What is it? You're not supposed to tell anybody what your mantra is.
Come on.
Meditation is a waste of time, like learning French, or kissing after sex.
There you are, lemonade.
Distract her with your craziness, Tracy.
Otherwise she's going to meditate.
I don't have time for that, J.
D.
I have to go to Alaska immediately.
Alaska, what are you talking about? Well, Ms.
Lemon, Mr.
Jordan had a lot more income this year than he anticipated, thanks to his frequent scratch-off lotto victories, finding all that treasure on the island he owns in the Caribbean.
Quite an adventure.
And designing Kate Middleton's wedding gown.
She was wonderful.
Collaborative, fun, and a little dangerous.
Okay, so you have to go to Alaska because In order to pay my tax bill, I had to sign on to do a movie, Five dog now five.
- Gibberish.
- No, that's just the confusing title Disney gave the fifth Snow dogs movie.
The "S" s are fives.
Running time, 26 minutes.
Why do you need to do a movie to pay your taxes? You're loaded.
I'm not liquid, Liz Lemon.
I'm completely solid.
I took all of my money and put it in my pool and froze it.
Nope, this isn't last year.
I am breaking the cycle.
I will deal with this later, after I meditate.
Cycle? I forgot, I sponsored the dude that won the Tour de France.
Add another zero, Ken.
"Out, out, damn spot of mustard.
" This is the first time I've ever liked this show.
It's so funny.
There's a saying in show business.
The show must go on.
And I couldn't go another minute without being around the greatest non-pornography crew I've ever worked with.
It feels so weird being up here.
What if I get discovered? Amazing zing grace I don't care if this production is cursed.
Like Lady McCheese, I will "screw my courage to the sticking McNugget.
" I will do the sketch.
Let me help you down, sweet.
Careful, don't stab yourself.
Okay, let's take it from Grimace's family being murdered.
Jenna, look out! I could have been killed.
It's the curse! Sorry.
Hard "K" sounds.
I'm going to Alaska! Five now dog five! Five now dog five! Everyone's trying to destroy me.
Five now dog five! Five now dog five! Budget meeting, "the germ.
" Pam putch, car waiting times, "the germ.
" Distractions begone! Congratulations, Elizabeth.
You have achieved transcendence, a state of pure inner peace, where all pants have built-in underwear.
You have reached a plane of total enlightenment, and you are realizing that Jack was right, meditation is a waste of time, time you could have spent reading that book he gave you on business lunches, Buffett on buffets.
But that doesn't make sense.
If I've achieved enlightenment, how is this a waste of time? Let me answer your question with a question.
Why don't you just shut up and tell me your mantra? Is it, "time to make the donuts"? What are you doing? "Hank Hooper is coming, Lemon.
"I don't have time for your nonsense.
"I'm always criticizing your shoes, but never offering solutions.
" Don't you have a big idea you're supposed to be coming up with? That's exactly what I'm trying to do.
I realized something today.
Putting, showering, they don't work for me.
Only you can stimulate my anterior superior temporal gyrus.
Buy me a drink first.
For the past six years, nothing has been a better distraction than rescuing you from your various wrong turns on the road of life.
And I just don't know what to do now.
I'm scared, Jack.
Lemon, just get another DVR in the bedroom, and then you can record all four shows at once.
I've got it.
Dump all the unsold dishwashers into the ocean.
As it turns out, you are my shower principle, so shower me, Lemon.
Shower me in the inane waters of television, food, and feet.
You know what? Maybe you should try meditating.
I am serious.
The whole point is to clear your mind.
Meditate, Lemon? I once pantsed deepak chopra while Craig T.
Nelson taped it.
I don't meditate.
Liz, does your journal say anything about Frank trying to drink a gallon of milk last year? It can't be done.
God, the carpet Somebody hold my hair back.
No! My Johnny Choon.
Are you all right? I've seen people killed with shoes, but never like that.
I can't believe this is happening.
I was just using the curse of the Scottish play as an excuse to act out.
But it's real.
Like I need another curse.
Too busty.
I'm running out of time.
Meditate perfectly.
Jack, tell me what to do about my Boyfriend! DVR! Feet! SMAS mondays at 10:00! Female mustache.
My casserole's burning! My casserole's burnt! Nut up, Donaghy, and meditate! Congratulations, Jack.
You have attained Shut up, I don't have time for this.
Give me my inspiration.
My God, you're good at meditating.
The answer you seek has been there all along.
It's right behind you.
Behind you.
Behind you, behind yo I don't need an echo.
I heard you.
Meditation over! Behind me.
Behind me.
I've got it! You know what they'd thought when I saw up your skirt.
Nice.
Someone won the crotch jackpot.
I need a drink.
My hand! But I'm auditioning to play senor wences' wife tomorrow! I can't take this any more.
This curse is ruining my life.
No, it's not.
I am.
What are you talking about? The light, your shoe, the chair, your hand.
It was all me, Jenna.
Wh why would you do that? Because, I want to be Liz Lemon's best friend.
I want to know her secrets, sing Motown together into hairbrushes, have a pair of vintage Jordache jeans that we share.
But, love has enemies You.
- So you tried to kill me? - Of course not, silly.
I can't afford a third strike.
I just wanted to scare you off.
And I'll stop, if you never speak to Liz again.
Nice try, Hazel.
But you made the same mistake Mickey Rourke made on that catamaran.
You didn't kill me when you had the chance.
Can I get you anything, Hank? Bottled water? I'm not fancy like that, Jack.
If I get thirsty, I'll just drink the water from lunch I saved in my cheek.
I've got one word for you, Hank Couches.
I've been thinking about what you told the investors the other day.
Kabletown fulfills our fellow Americans' most American need To sit on a couch, talking on the phone, about a TV show they're watching, based on a YouTube clip.
Is NBC developing a show for that cat that jumps in the boxes? No, that's, uh yes! Heh! As a matter of fact, we are.
But my point is, Kabletown controls nearly every aspect of that experience.
The phone, Internet, TV, that's all us.
But, we don't control the couch.
Why are we outsourcing the American dream, Hank? Why are the couches our customers sit on made in I don't know Vietnam? Taking my original buttocks wasn't enough for those bastards.
Here's what I want to do with our profits this quarter.
I want to make couches, Hank.
Kabletown couches.
American couches.
Boy, I do love a good couch, Jack.
You know, I'm like a couch in a lot of ways.
I fell asleep at a Raymour and Flanigan last week, and a black family tried to buy me.
Let's do it! Let's make us some couches.
You won't regret this, Hank.
I only have three regrets in my life, Jack.
Not buying the Phillies, not marrying my wife sooner, and not surprising you any quicker with this hug.
Yup, same as last year.
My situation has progressed in an interesting way, Liz Lemon.
I don't want to hear it.
To solve my tax problem, I called the treasury department and told them I won't pay my taxes until I see your president's birth certificate.
They told me if I did that, they would arrest me.
Things got heated, so I said I had a bomb.
Hazel is trying to destroy me.
Really? Now Hazel is trying to destroy you? Jenna, do you know how crazy you sound right now? Liz and I, or "Lazel," are really worried about you.
My God.
Doesn't matter what I do, - nothing ever changes.
- Ms.
Lemon, I'm sorry to interrupt, but I need to get a recommendation from you to reapply to the NBC page program.
We've already done that, Kenneth.
We've done all of this! All I wanted was one shred of evidence that my life is moving forward.
Baby doll, what about me? - I'm new.
- Are you, Hazel? You're just another weird page, and I already have one of those.
Thank you.
You people, you are the reason my life is a stagnant, monotonous hell! No, that reminds me.
My stand-up tour.
Add another zero, Ken.
Jack? Why did you invite me here? You're gonna murder me, aren't you? - It's okay.
- Up here, Lemon.
I haven't secured that level from the rats yet.
What the hell is this place? This is where I remake Kabletown.
And where Americans, and for cost reasons, quite a few "foreign Americans," will make couches.
To watch TV on.
Do I finally understand vertical integration? Yes.
Well, at least one of us got out of their rut today.
Lemon, what are you doing? I realized today that I cannot do my job without you.
This is all because of you.
You're admitting you need me, and all my nonsense.
You haven't done that since You've never done that.
I wanted a new G.
E.
I got a couch factory, but it's a start.
Baby steps, Lemon.
- To new beginnings.
- Lemon? The cycle is broken.
Jack, the rats have my meditation stool.
Help! Shoot it free! Let her go, you bastard! Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow, creeps in this petty pace from day to day to the last syllable of recorded time.
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools the way to dusty death.
Out, out, brief candle.
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more.
It is a tail told by an idiot, full sound of furry, signifying nothing.
Would you like to try our apple dippers?