Bewitched (1964) s06e15 Episode Script

I don't know how you can sit there so calmly.
This will be our first real vacation in five years.
Do you realise where we'll be tomorrow night at this time? Sitting under a Caribbean moon with no thoughts of diapers, dinners or demand feedings.
Yeah, we'll be guzzling exotic rum drinks a thousand miles away from layouts, business lunches and Larry.
Do you realise that he is the reason we haven't had a vacation in five years? Somehow he always manages to work it out so that we can't go.
Well, not this time.
We're leaving tomorrow morning.
I just have a feeling the phone's going to ring any minute.
- There.
You see? - That's the doorbell.
Forget it.
We're going on our vacation, and nothing you can do is going to stop us.
Bravo! Have you two gone bananas? Is this the way you treat someone who's come all this way to wish you bon voyage? I'm sorry, Larry.
I guess we both lost our heads.
Yes.
We're both a little lightheaded.
Don't blame you.
You're gonna have a terrific time.
I know.
I can't think of two people who deserve it more.
That's darn nice of you.
- Louise sends her best.
- Well, thank her.
How is she? - Fair.
- Fair? She got a little upper respiratory something.
Well, that's a shame.
Yeah, kind of hate to leave her, but first thing tomorrow morning, off I go to Chicago.
- Can't you take her with you? - She's not well enough to travel.
Why don't you put off the trip to Chicago? Well, don't you remember? The only reason I'm going is because you couldn't.
Yeah.
But, listen, I didn't come here to burden you.
Just brought a little going-away present.
It's a portable bar.
To make those carefree, happy moments even happier, and carefree-er.
- How about that? - Wow! Larry, that's very sweet.
It's on the company.
Well, gotta go.
I have to stop by the pharmacy and pick up a prescription.
Sam, I'd appreciate it if you'd look in on Louise while I'm What's the matter with me? You won't even be here.
Maybe I'll call my mother and ask her to No, she'd only make Louise feel worse.
Well, Louise is used to being alone, as long as the phone is working and she can reach the doctor in an emergency.
- That's all that - Larry? Yes? You want me to go to Chicago for you, don't you? - Where'd you ever get an idea like that? - He just made a wild stab.
Believe me, the thought never entered my mind.
Unless Wait a minute.
You mean you would make a stop in Chicago on your way to the Caribbean? Chicago is on the way to the Caribbean only if you're going around the world first.
Sure.
I was just dreaming.
Well, have a ball.
Think of me on the icy streets of Chicago.
I won't be leaving till 10:00 in the morning, just for your information, in case you need anything.
Good night, you two beautiful people.
- Do you believe it? - Only because I heard it.
And I think, before we leave, we're gonna hear it again.
Well, as far as I'm concerned, he's just shouting down a rain barrel.
Well, at least we got a portable bar out of it.
Just the same, it's going to be interesting to see who's on that plane to Chicago tomorrow morning.
I guarantee you it won't be me, unless there's a way I can be in two places at the same time.
- Darrin.
- Who's going to hear me? The walls have ears and so has my mother.
Remember what happened the last time you said you couldn't be in two places at once? Remember? Lt'd be easier to forget my name.
Well, it did have its funny side, too.
You were so anxious for me to get to that hospital on time to have that baby that you didn't even want to go to work.
There I was bragging to Mother about what a devoted husband you are, when you barged in and announced Sam, I don't know how to tell you this, but Well, I have to fly to Japan this afternoon.
- Japan? - Well, it's only for a few days.
And only this morning he didn't want to leave you to go to the office.
What a difference a day makes.
I tried everything I could to get out of it.
I reasoned, I argued, I You did everything but refuse.
I couldn't refuse, Sam.
Mr Tanaka, president of Tanaka Enterprises, is going back to Japan today, and if I make the trip with him, we'll be able to go over my layouts on the plane and it might just clinch the deal.
Sweetheart, you have no choice.
Go.
Yes.
Go.
Samantha will be in the best possible hands.
I won't leave her side for a minute.
That settles it.
I'm staying.
Now, Darrin, I feel marvellous, just perfect.
You go to Japan, land the account and don't worry about a thing.
Sam, I'm not going.
What kind of a man does Larry think I am? Only an insensitive oaf would go to Japan at a time like this.
In that case, bon voyage! And give my regards to the Ginza.
Mother.
Tabitha, are you playing with the hose? Yes, Mommy.
I'm watering my sand.
We'll discuss this in a minute, over lunch.
I think I'll make lunch.
Sam looks tired.
That money-mad boss of yours won't exactly love it if you don't show up on that plane.
Well, let him fire me.
Sam is more important to me than any job.
Too bad you can't be in two places at once.
Well, we can't have everything.
That's one thing we mortals learned to accept long ago.
Atoms split, and so can man.
Be in both places, here and Japan.
One for the money, two for the show, doting husband stay, businessman go.
Who says we can't have everything? There's more sand in my shoes than in the box.
Maybe you should play in your shoes.
Here you go.
Come on.
- Sam, I've gotta run or I'll miss my plane.
- What plane? - I'm flying to Tokyo.
- You decided to go? I'll miss you, honey, but business is business.
- What made you change your mind? - I don't know exactly.
Well, it's just too big an account to lose.
I've gotta run.
I'll call you from Japan.
Excuse me.
And good riddance.
Sam, I made our lunch.
Do you want it on the patio? What are you doing here? - I thought you were going to Tokyo.
- You did? What gave you that idea? I guess I got the idea when you said, "I'm going to Tokyo.
" Well, I told you I wasn't going.
Say, haven't we been through all this? Yes, we certainly have.
Then why are we going through it again? - I don't know yet.
- I'll get the lunch.
Tabitha, why don't you run out to the kitchen and help Daddy? Okay, Mommy.
- Mother, I would like a word with you.
- Of course, darling.
Admit it, Mother, you divided Darrin.
I don't see why you're so upset.
But he'll be furious! I'll admit that made it irresistible.
All right, Mother, you've had your fun.
Now put him back together.
Samantha, what harm can it do? Half of him wanted to stay home, and half of him wanted to make a business deal in Tokyo.
You should thank me.
Tabitha, will you open the door? Darrin.
- Do you feel any different? - Different than what? Never mind.
The business Darwin is on his way to Tokyo.
The doting Darwin is here at home.
What could be more logical? - That's pretty weird logic.
- That's because it's so sensible.
Well? Samantha, he works so hard.
He deserves his bonus.
Come and get it! - Anything for you, sir? - No, thanks.
Now, our sales approach should stress the quality factor of Tanaka Electronics.
If we could stress the high degree of quality control that exists on the assembly line of each and every Tanaka product, then I think we'll be in business.
- Now, this graph shows your - Not now.
No.
Well, how about this graph? It indicates your sales posture for the last year.
Mr Stephens, please.
At the moment it's not sales posture I'm interested in.
It's delicious, sweetheart.
- There wasn't too much salt in the omelette? - No, no.
It's just fine.
- The coffee, it isn't too strong? - I love strong coffee.
As a matter of fact, it's so good I think I'll save it for lunch.
Okay, now you go into the living room, and sit down and make yourself comfortable while I do the dishes.
Sweetheart, it's enough that you cooked breakfast.
I will not have you washing the dishes.
And I will not have you walking around any more than you have to.
Just sit you right down here, and get the weight off those feet.
It's a little chilly in here.
I'll get you a blanket.
Don't bother, sweetheart.
I'm fine.
No, no, no, no.
I'll make a fire.
That'll make it all nice and warm and cosy.
Darrin.
I'm already nice and warm and cosy.
As a matter of fact, I'm getting a little hot.
You're hot? I'll open the patio door.
Why don't you build a fire and open the patio door at the same time? - That way you'll have everything.
- Mother.
Good morning, Endora.
It's always nice to see you.
What did I do to deserve that? As if you didn't know.
Sweetheart, I have an idea.
- Why don't you - Anything.
Anything.
I was just going to suggest that you go out and play golf.
Oh, no.
I couldn't play golf.
I'd be worried sick about you.
But, sweetheart, I feel fine.
And the only thing that would make me feel great would be if you went out and played golf.
Now, I would really enjoy sitting here, thinking about that.
Well, all right, but I'm only playing golf for you.
I'll get my clubs.
You sure I can't get you something, Sam? A little coffee, a little warm milk? A little peace.
Nothing, sweetheart.
- Mother, put him back together.
- Why? Because I only want one Darrin.
I know what you mean, dear.
It's humiliating to look as if you've made the same mistake twice.
Put him back! Very well.
Where do you want him? In Japan, of course, so he can finish his business deal.
Samantha, I'll have to zonk him across the international dateline.
That isn't going to be easy.
- See you later, honey.
- Wait a minute.
What? What? Before you go, would you mind fixing me some tea? Certainly.
Hot tea or ice tea? They're both good.
I'll make both.
- How about you, Endora? - I'll pass.
Hot tea and ice tea.
Ice tea and hot tea - Quick! Quick, Mother, with the spell! - Don't rush me.
Don't rush me.
I might get spellbound.
It's so clever.
Spellbound? Okay.
I have a campaign in mind to show the consumer the growing importance of electronics in his daily life.
Now, to the average person, electronics is something they feel is just beyond their intelligence.
What I plan to accomplish is to Well, to humanize, so to speak Mr Stephens, would you mind taking your plate from my wife? As you can see, she's quite pregnant, and at this time, it's difficult for her to bend and place it before you.
Of course.
I understand.
My wife is pregnant, too.
Good.
I'm glad to see you're not all work.
That's cute.
Now, on page seven - Hurry up, Mother.
- Believe me, Samantha.
It would be much easier to zap the working Durwood back from Japan.
- That's merely a reverse-the-spell spell.
- Hold it.
Here you are, sweetheart.
I didn't know what you wanted, so I brought sugar and cream and lemon.
There.
Here, let me get those pillows.
I'll put them behind your back, then you'll be all nice and comfy.
Darrin? Would you mind toasting me a couple of crumpets, well-done? Coming up.
Thank you, Mrs Tanaka for a very delicious dinner.
- Now, let's get back to business.
- Here, dear.
Let me help you with that.
If you'll excuse me, Mr Stephens, I will assist my wife with the dishes.
You see how much I've learned from your Western culture? But I haven't even told you our ideas for radio and television advertising yet.
You're all business, aren't you, Mr Stephens? You really should learn how to play a little.
Sirloins and sapphires and all things rare, take the Durwood from here and send him back there.
Your crumpets are on, honey.
I'll put the clubs away.
I've decided I don't want to play golf.
Anyway I'm sorry it took me so long, but But I'm glad to see you had time to change into something more comfortable.
Mr Stephens, may I ask where you got those golf clubs and how you changed so quickly? Clubs Well, let's see now.
I got the golf clubs at a little pro shop where I play golf.
Change, I And change.
I Well, I liked I've always liked to change.
- Well, after all, the world is changing.
- Yes.
Nice place you have.
Very Oriental.
- Sweetheart, calm down.
- Calm down.
Calm down? When Madame Lafarge of the broomstick set zaps me back from Tokyo when I'm right in the middle of a big business deal Well, let's not upset Madame Mother, when we want her to Upset her? Upset her? What about the shock Tanaka's gonna get when - Mother! - What? - Is he gonna remember any of this? - Not a thing.
And not to mention the shock that Larry's gonna get Quiet! All right, Mother.
It's zap-it-to-him time.
Mr Stephens? You seem rather upset to me.
I have a feeling you're very concerned about your wife.
I am, very.
I'm very concerned about what I'm doing here.
Well, I don't blame you.
Larry Tate should never have insisted on you coming to Japan, not with your wife about to have a baby.
Frankly, had I known, I would have suggested we conclude our business at a later date.
Now, would you like me to drive you to the airport? I certainly would.
I'm sure my wife needs me desperately.
I'll get the keys.
Enough of two dum-dums, put them as before.
Let us have one Durwood, the big, crashing bore.
I asked for an incantation, not a review.
There you are, two for the price of one.
All right, Mr Stephens.
We're ready to He's gone.
As I said, he was acting strangely.
Perhaps he took a cab.
Sam? What happened? Why am I dressed like this? What's going on? Well, sweetheart, it's rather hard to explain.
I have the feeling this is the work of your mother, the wicked witch.
There.
There, you see, Mother? He's back to normal.
That, my dear, is a matter of opinion.
Never mind her.
Okay, Sam.
Out with it.
Well, yesterday, when you couldn't decide whether to Wait a minute.
On second thought, I think I'll make a drink.
That's a good idea.
There isn't any ice.
I don't think I'll need any ice.
Well, yesterday when you couldn't make up your mind whether to go to Japan or Wait a minute.
What yesterday? What happened to today? Well, today is really tomorrow.
I don't know if I can explain this.
Try.
Well, you see, today is really today, but somewhere along the line, you lost a day.
Where did I lose it? Well, it isn't exactly lost.
It's just that you don't remember.
I think I'll make it a double.
You see, you couldn't decide whether to quit your job or go to Tokyo, and the business side of you was having a struggle with the dear, devoted, considerate Samantha, get on with it.
Mother divided you and sent the business side to Tokyo.
I think I'll make it a triple.
The domestic Darrin went to Tokyo, and the business Darrin came here.
They sort of switched.
You mean I was popped back and forth from Tokyo to Oh, boy.
I think I'll make it a quadruple.
Okay.
I'll tell you the rest after you pass out.
Good idea.
All I know is I haven't enjoyed a dish of sukiyaki since then.
Darrin, you may not believe this, but Mother actually thought she was doing you a favour by splitting you in half.
Sure.
If your mother was really interested in my welfare, she'd migrate to another planet.
I have a feeling I shouldn't have raked over the coals.
They're obviously still burning.
- Are you all packed? - Why? Think we ought to go upstairs and unpack? What are you talking about? You don't seriously think that Larry is still gonna try to con me into going to Chicago.
You don't seriously think that he's gonna give up after one little try.
Larry is made of much sterner stuff.
Sam, I promise you here and now, no matter what trick Larry pulls, no matter how much he pleads or threatens, I am not going to postpone our vacation.
Want odds on who that is? I'll get rid of him so fast it'll make his head spin.
My back.
My back.
Can't straighten up.
It's an old football injury.
Just on the way to the hospital.
Darrin, I hate to do this to you Larry, I've just got one thing to say to you Of course he'll go to Chicago for you.
- What? - It's the least he can do for an old friend.
And, Larry, dear, don't you give a thought to our foolish little vacation.
You have to think about yourself.
Sam, you're a gem.
- Real gem.
- I don't believe my ears.
Darrin, look.
Here it comes again! A bat! A vampire bat! Cover your head! Okay.
It's gone.
You can uncover now, Larry, and stoop over again.
Just be sure you take good care of that portable bar I lent you.
Last one to finish packing is a rotten egg.
Darrin!