Buffy the Vampire Slayer s06e15 Episode Script

- Previously: - They want me back, Buffy.
The military.
- This is goodbye? - Unless you give me a reason to stay, I'm leavin' tonight.
Riley! - Are we havin' a conversation? - What? No! Maybe.
We're getting married.
Double meat is double sweet.
Enjoy! - Hey, Buffy.
- We're here to support you.
Bravo.
You see, Buffy, the thing you gotta learn about the Palace, and this takes a while, is that job security all boils down to one simple thing.
Politics.
Now, I'm not a political animal, but you learn fast around here, or it's - wham! - "Hello, glass ceiling.
" It's not like at Burger World or the Happy Bun, where the power structure is simple.
At the Palace, you keep your friends close, but your enemies closer.
It's like Machiavelli says.
- You know Machiavelli? - Tall guy, bleached mullet, day shifts? I'm sorry.
I keep forgetting you dropped out of college.
- I'm reapplying.
- Good luck.
Well, gotta motor.
Don't wanna be late for night school.
- You go to night school? - I'm working on my MBA.
Think I wanna spend my life cleaning grease traps? Don't forget to lock up before you go.
And the gum under the tables? You should give it a good scrape before you leave.
- May l? - See you tomorrow.
Yes, you will.
And the day after that, and the day after that, and the day after that % Get the double treat that's so double sweet % Oh, it's hard to beat when the meat meets Oh, why can't I get that stupid jingle outta my head? Least of your problems now, little girl.
- Wait.
- OK.
OK, let's do this.
Quickly.
What's that smell? Jeez, Slayer, is that you? - I've been working! - Where? In a slaughterhouse? - Double Meat Palace.
- Oh.
You know what? Let's just call it a night.
If it's all the same to you.
If you're eating that stuff, I don't wanna bite you.
You're dead.
You smell like it.
How do you get to say I'm the one who's stinky? Really, it's cool.
I'll just catch you next time.
Oh, for Pete's sake.
Spike? Ah, it's a fair cop.
You caught me, Slayer.
However, in all honesty, I think we have to say this one doesn't count.
After all, I wasn't exactly hiding.
No, Spike.
No? What kind of answer is that? You haven't heard the question yet.
I don't have to.
We both know what you're thinking.
And we both know I'm not the only one thinking it.
No.
Not here.
- Why not? - Dawn.
She's inside waiting for dinner.
She's counting on me.
- I'm not letting her down by letting you in.
- It's the fear of getting caught, then? - Reason number one on a very long list.
- Needn't be an obstacle.
- Spike, I mean it.
Come on.
- I hear you're serious.
So am l.
I want you.
You want me.
I can't go inside, so maybe the time is right for you to come outside.
Dawn.
Hey.
Hi.
- Rough night? - The usual.
- I brought you dinner.
- Oh, great.
Oh.
Hm.
I know it's not the most original these days, but I made it myself.
I made hundreds, actually.
But this is the very best one.
It looks kinda squished.
Oh.
Well, just, you know give it a sec.
These babies really bounce back.
Literally.
Buffy, it's not like I don't appreciate it.
I do.
It's just that I can't eat this stuff another night.
I'm sorry.
Oh.
No, it's all good.
I get it.
Tell you what.
Tomorrow, I'll bring home the Fisherman's Nuggets with cheese.
Hey, working lady.
Rough night? Why does everybody keep asking me that? No reason.
I just thought you were busy with the slayage cos of that grass stain.
- Some vamp get rough with you? - He's not getting any gentler.
- He? - They.
Them.
You know, vampires in the general population sense.
- Now I'm gonna have to wash this.
- Ready for a bold suggestion? Blow it off.
Dawnie and l are headed out to the Bronze.
Um, do I have your permission? And wanna come along? Like how I slipped in that permission request? Very smooth.
- You guys go.
- Really? Buffy, are you sure? It might do you good to get away from the Double Meat lifestyle.
- See your friends - Who'd love to see you.
I'm sure.
But I've seen enough action for one night.
- Home by eleven? - On the dot.
Have a good time.
Somebody should.
See, this seating chart makes no sense.
We have to do it again.
We can't do it again.
You do it.
The seating chart's fine.
Get back to the table arrangements.
I'm starting to have dreams of gardenia bouquets.
I am so glad my manly co-workers didn't just hear me say that.
Stop wolfing down those chips.
One more bag and you'll pop out of your cummerbund.
You're not even hungry.
You're just nervous.
Yeah! Wedding, one week.
We have friends, family, demons flying in, a to-do list getting no shorter And do not take my chips.
Hey, guys.
How's the soon-to-be newlyweds? Nervous? No! OK.
I'll just be over here, then.
- Your Arnold Palmer, milady.
- Thanks.
So, how are Mr and Mrs High-strung? I'm betting they explode.
When I was little, I spent hours imagining what my wedding to Xander would be like.
And now I look at them and just think - You're awfully chipper tonight.
- Can't hide it.
Hm.
Big wedding coming up, lots of date possibilities, you and Tara are speaking again You wanna call her? Invite her over? No.
Too soon for so bold a manoeuvre.
But if I did call she wouldn't hang up on me.
- That's progress.
- Hence the happy.
Garbage.
Oh! Wait! Wait up, guys! Wait! Don't you want your garbage? Hey, Buffy.
Oh, don't forget, today's trash day.
Thanks.
"Dear Ms Summers, we are sorry to reject" - What's that? - Nothing.
Huh.
Bronze was fun, in a home-by-eleven-ish way.
You should've come.
Maybe next time.
- Where are you going? - School.
Oh.
That's good.
Don't you want breakfast first? Already made it.
See you this afternoon? Unless you're working.
Tonight, then.
Or, you know, tomorrow's cool.
Don't work too hard.
Bye.
That's where even your best political minds can drop the ball: Zeitgeist.
You don't take the pulse of the public, next thing, you're LBJ handing over to Nixon.
Heard back from your college yet? - Yeah.
- All right.
- You know, we're out of special sauce.
- I'll get it.
No, no.
Your turn up front.
I'll deal back here.
You take the customers.
Welcome to the Double Meat Palace.
How may I help You.
Hey.
Huh? - Riley.
- Sorry to just drop in on you like this, Buffy.
- It's you.
- It's me.
- You're here.
- I know.
And were you always this tall? This isn't the way I wanted it, but something's come up.
There isn't much time.
Understand? - Not a word you've said so far.
- Right.
I should've known.
Anticipated.
You're working.
- Just counter, not grill.
- I want to explain.
I don't have time.
I'm tracking something bad.
Now it's come to Sunnydale.
My hat has a cow.
I know I'm putting you on the spot, showing up like this, but But, you know, here we are.
I need the best.
I need you, Buffy.
Can you help me? Hello? Buffy? People are waiting.
Buffy.
Buffy.
Wait! Buffy! I'm sorry this is all so sudden.
If we get a minute, I'd like to sit down - What is it? - Suvolte Demon.
Rare.
Lethal.
Nearly extinct, but not nearly enough.
It's close.
- What? - Sorry.
It's just You still carry around all that James Bond stuff.
It's so cute.
I forgot.
Sorry.
Carry on.
We've been through every jungle from Paraguay up, takin' out nests.
As soon as we put one Suvolte down, a dozen take its place.
They're breeders, Buffy.
One turns into ten.
Ten become a hundred.
If this gets out of hand and there's a war with humans, the humans are gonna lose.
So they're like really mean tribbles? Sorry.
I've been dealing with these geeks.
It's a whole thing.
- Ready for this? - Yes, please.
National Forestry Service.
We got a wild bear! Everybody stand back! Look out! Let's split.
Riley! - You all right? - I'll feel better when we catch it.
- But it's too fast.
- I wouldn't necessarily say that.
- Nice wheels.
- Came with the car.
- Know where we're going? - Got an idea.
The tag's online.
We'll find it.
- How's your arm? - It'll heal.
How are you doing? - Complicated question.
- I just meant - I know.
- I hear ya.
Got some big stories to tell you, too.
If we ever get half a second.
- Did you die? - No.
I'm gonna win.
Here.
No offence, but this is black ops and you look like a pylon.
Ninja wear? Battle gear.
Lightweight Kevlar, state of the art.
- What a surprise.
- Boys like toys.
Put it on.
Thank me later.
- You won't look? - I'm a gentleman.
OK.
So the black-ops life, it's working out for ya? - Don't suck.
- They got dental? Yeah, we're covered.
You know, there's not many people I'd ask to risk their life for me, Buffy.
It's really good to see you.
- Thanks.
- You're welcome.
And, Buffy? Love the hair.
I think we died on the way to the airport and we're stuck in hell.
- The radio said no traffic.
- It's a hell radio, of course it said that.
We'll never be in time to pick up your stupid uncle.
It gives my uncle Rory more time at the bar.
He'll be happy.
Great.
So he can sleep off his drunken stupor on our newly reupholstered couch.
- He can't afford a hotel.
- Why are you defending him? I'm not.
I hate my uncle.
I hate my whole family.
That's why I'm marrying you, to start a new family.
Have children.
Make them hate us.
Then they'll get married, we'll sleep on their couch.
It's the circle of life.
The Gnarals are teleporting in in 20 minutes.
If I don't greet them somebody gets incinerated.
Why did we ever agree to have your friends, who are demons, and my family, who are monsters, stay at our place? Well, I can only do so much, Xander.
Planning this marriage is like staging the invasion of Normandy.
Without the laughs.
We should have eloped.
No! I've been through too much planning this wedding, and it is going to happen.
It will be our perfect, perfect day, if I have to kill all our guests and half this town to do it.
- Cool Ranch? - Cajun Fiesta.
End of the line? - I don't see our demon.
- It's not here.
Let me guess.
- Down we go? - Looks that way.
That's a big first step.
So, Mr Finn, got an extra jet pack for a girl like me? Sorry, fresh out of jet packs.
Looks like we'll have to share.
This test line's built for one, so if we go together, there's no gear.
Just be you and me.
- I was never big on the hardware anyway.
- Will you hold on to me? - If that's what it takes.
- Come on.
Ready when you are, Agent Finn.
Riley! Hey.
Hey, there.
What exactly are you doing with my husband? Husband? Wife.
And those aren't code names, like Big Dog or Falcon or? I didn't think so.
Buffy, meet Sam.
Sam, Buffy.
- Pleasure.
- Demon.
Mine.
- She's good.
- She's a special one.
How long have you been married? - Four months almost.
- Mazel tov.
Any children? Buffy, I meant to tell you, when the time was right.
She caught up to us a lot faster than I would've guessed possible.
She does that.
So, you guys do this often? The whole husband-wife tag-team demon-fighting thing? It's what brought us together.
I almost feel sorry for the Suvolte.
But not quite.
Call this your wedding gift.
So, guess that's mission accomplished.
- She killed it.
- Oh, honey.
That's OK.
OK? Wait.
You have been tracking this thing as a couple for two days, and you did want it dead, right? Oh.
Let me guess.
Captain Can-do here forgot to mention this was a homing operation.
But it's nice to finally meet you, by the way.
Knife.
- What is a homing operation? - It's my fault.
I should have explained.
That would have saved me some trouble.
Damn.
We're too late.
How could you recruit the Slayer without filling her in on the objective? That'd be my question.
If we weren't under time constraints, I'd think about ripping you a new one.
- Stand down, soldier.
- He's your boss, too? Oh, he wishes.
We better regroup.
Buffy, I'd hate to impose further, but you got a safe house? I have a house.
I think it's safe.
Sometimes you can't even leave.
- Um - I know the way.
I'll fill you in.
On everything.
Sorry the place is such a mess.
I haven't had a chance to give it a good clean.
- Hey.
- Agent Finn returns.
Dawn.
Jeez, look at you.
I think you grew a foot and a half.
A lot can happen in a year.
- Well, it's good to see you.
- Hey, there's the man! Life taker, heartbreaker.
- You know, figuratively speaking.
- Xander, Sam.
Willow.
- Hi.
- We got your call.
We're here to help.
Just like old times.
Except you being big with the married life.
Hear you're getting hitched.
You're gonna love it.
Congratulations.
Really, both of you.
Just so you know, I'm prepared to hate this woman any way you want.
Thanks, but no.
I don't wanna seem all petty.
Well, that's the beauty - you can't, but I can.
Please, let me carry the hate for the both of us.
Go nuts.
So, what brings you back to town, after you left suddenly with no word? We've been tracking a Suvolte Demon through Central America.
Killing machine.
- Nearly mature.
- Three months old, growing fast.
They kill the minute they hatch and leave a clear trail.
Yeah.
Just follow the villages with nothing in them but body parts.
Uh Dawn, are you sure you wanna be around hearin' all this? Oh, come on, Finn.
She looks all grown-up to me.
- That is, if it's all right with you.
- Sure.
Yeah, it's fine.
So, this demon shredded your guys and now you're looking for a little payback? No.
It came here to the Hellmouth to spawn.
But we think it already hatched its eggs.
The plan was to track it, let the demon take us to its nest.
And now they're gonna hatch a bunch of baby demon things? Unless we stop it.
So we have to find the nest before Sunnydale turns into the Trouble Meat Palace.
- I wish I'd said something else.
- OK.
So we track down the demon, find the nest, Mr and Mrs Finn make with the killin', and everyone goes home happy.
But seriously, choosing between a photographer and place settings We can't track the demon.
I killed it.
So, who's hungry? We got - Ice cubes.
- All you can eat.
Buffy, it's good that you killed the Suvolte before it killed us.
Disposable cameras.
D Hah? Yeah.
You know, little plastic ones, ten bucks a pop.
Arrange'em like table settings.
Guests snap photos.
Breaks the ice.
Then when the wedding's over, you get to take home the pictures.
I like it.
So, demon eggs, any timetable on when they're gonna hatch? - Hatching's not the problem.
- We think they're for the black market.
There are some military powers that would love to have their own Suvolte.
- Drop it on an urban population - And it cleanses the area.
- Is that a nice way of saying it kills people? - Lots of'em.
Money's been exchanged.
There's a dealer in town.
Calls himself the Doctor.
Willow, you think you can help with a little locating spell? I can't do the magics.
Riley says you're coming on as one major-league Wicca.
I got addicted.
The way addicts do.
Two teams.
No civilians.
I'll go out and look for our doctor.
You two find that nest.
- Me and Sam together? - You find a Suvolte nest, you'll want backup.
I don't wanna be dragging down the Slayer.
You've got speed and power I can't even Let's go.
Xander, are you OK to stay with Dawn? - Yeah.
- I'll check out some bars, some crypts.
Hey, Willow.
I'm sorry.
I think I really stepped in it in there.
Back in the jungle, we had not one, but two hard-core shamans working for us.
They were working the dark magics, and got addicted.
And now they're gone.
Gone, as in, there's nothing left.
I have never met anyone with enough strength to quit before.
I'm just saying.
Thanks for letting me tag along.
- No problem.
- Maybe not for you.
Gotta tell you, Buffy, I'm a bit intimidated.
I mean, patrolling with the real, live Slayer.
You're like Santa Claus, or Buddha, or something.
Fat and jolly? Legendary.
And it's not just slayer status I'm talking about.
It's you.
Riley talks about me? He didn't say anything for a long time, but I could tell.
- He was ripped up inside.
- Good thing he has you.
More like miraculous.
I went down to Central America with the Peace Corps.
One night, my entire infirmary got slaughtered by I didn't know what they were.
I got saved, quit the Corps, joined the squad.
My first fire fight, I met Riley.
We started talking.
First about tactics, missions, stuff like that.
And then about you.
He thinks I let him go.
Do you wish you hadn't? I wish things were different.
I'm not trying to I don't You know.
I didn't mean to put you on the spot, Buffy.
There's no bad guys in this one.
The only thing that could help Riley work it out was time.
Lots of time.
Took him a year to get over you.
I'm glad he's over me.
So, you seeing anyone new? Someone special? I'm just taking my time, you know? I don't wanna jump right into anything.
I don't wanna be defined by who I'm with.
Yeah.
Better no guy than the wrong guy, that's for sure.
Sam, you know what? Um, I think we should split up.
I'm slowing you down.
I knew I would.
This was selfish of me.
No, it's not There's this guy, an informant.
But he's twitchy.
I show up with company and we get nothing.
Cool.
I'm guessing Finn needs me about now.
He's probably off somewhere getting his ass kicked.
You know how wild he gets.
Don't worry about Rye and me.
We're good.
I noticed.
Buffy.
Hey, now.
If I'd known you were coming, I'd have baked a cake.
I need information.
Well, I suppose I could be helpful, if the price is right.
Not sure I'll sell out at Double Meat Palace wages, though.
I need to find a guy.
A dealer.
Calls himself the Doctor.
- Human? - His traffic isn't.
- Clock ticking? - Whatever he's doing, he's doing it soon.
Soon, but not now? Tell me you love me.
I love you.
You know I do.
Tell me you want me.
I always want you.
- In point of fact - Shut up.
Well, looky here.
I don't usually use the word "delicious", but I've gotta wager this little tableau must sting a bit, eh? Me and your former? Must kill.
What can I say? The girl just needs a little monster in her man.
That's not why I'm here Doctor.
Oh, God.
I thought we'd run you out of town, mate.
Last time I saw you, if memory serves, you were getting the juice sucked out of you by undead ladies of questionable reputation.
Now, be a good tin soldier and, uh Where are they, Doctor? Where are what? Why do you keep callin' me that? Glad to be back in Sunnydale.
Locals speak English.
I knew who to beat for information.
- It's all brought me here.
- Look, crew cut, she's not your bint now.
And, frankly, she always had a thing for me, even when she was shagging you.
Nice.
That's very distracting.
Tell me, before I get unprofessional, where are the eggs, Spike? Eggs? You're off your nut.
It must be those drugs they kept you on.
I did warn you.
OK.
We can do this the hard way, or we can do this the fatal way.
- Where are the eggs? - The Doctor, it can't be Spike.
No need to defend me, love.
Look, it can't be, OK? He's too incompetent.
It's just Spike, Riley.
Right.
Deadly, amoral, opportunistic.
Or have you forgotten? I'm takin' this place apart until I find that nest.
Over my dead body.
- I've seen enough of your dead body, thanks.
- You're not You coming? Oh, this is unconstitutional, is what it is.
Here! There's nothing to see there.
Riley, I'm not saying he's good.
I'm saying that he's not capable of something as - I can explain.
- We're gonna need more weapons.
Spike screwed up.
You didn't keep'em frozen, did you Doctor? You can stop calling me that any time.
If I may? The thing of it is, I'm holding these for a friend, who No more games.
Well, that's bloody funny comin' from you! No more games? That's all you've ever done, is play me.
And you keep playin' with rules you make up as you like.
You know what I am.
You've always known, and you come to me all the same.
- Can you shut him up? - Not so far.
You better get outta here.
- On second thoughts, stick around.
- Riley, l - Aim high.
- I'm not exactly Gun Girl.
You wanna live, learn fast.
These things? Never useful.
We have to pull out.
- We need a way to contain those things - Riley! If you love Riley so much, you should marry him.
He's taken.
And that's not the point.
- You think their marriage is better than ours? - No! But I can't imagine Nick and Nora Fury hiding from their own relatives in the bathroom.
And I have no idea what Riley and Mrs Riley's wedding was like.
- You haven't shut up about them.
- They have a great marriage.
It bummed Buffy out, but I can see it.
And, Anya, I really have no clue what their wedding was like.
So our wedding is not our marriage.
Separate things.
One fills me with a dread akin to public speaking engagements.
- The wedding.
- Which will be over soon.
- But our marriage? - That lasts for ever.
Ah, well.
That works out nicely, then.
So, are you and Sam headed back to Central America? Or is that classified? Nepal.
- Sounds fun.
- Send you a postcard.
- Buffy - Riley By mission parameters, I'm done here.
But I have authorisation to take the Doctor out.
- Do you want me to do that? - Do I want you to How can you ask me? I'm sleeping with him.
I'm sleeping with Spike.
I had actually noticed that.
And then you come back Did you wait until your life was perfect and send that demon here, to throw it in my face? Look You think this was easy for me? Yeah.
I think it was a rollicking adventure, fun for the whole family.
I was terrified about seeing you again.
Well, I'm sure my incredible patheticness softened the blow for you.
- I don't know what you're talkin' about.
- Riley, please, don't patronise You want me to say I like seeing you with that idiot? Or that blinding orange is your best colour? Or that that burger smell is appealing? - You smelled the smell? - Buffy, none of that means anything.
It doesn't touch you.
You're still the first woman I ever loved and the strongest woman I've ever known.
Now, I'm not advertising this to the missis but you're still quite the hottie.
You know, it goes away after many bathings.
This isn't about who's on top.
I know how lucky I am right now.
I love my work and I love my wife.
I know.
And I kinda love her, too.
So you're not in the greatest place right now.
And maybe I made it worse.
No.
Wheel never stops turning, Buffy.
You're up, you're down It doesn't change what you are.
And you are a hell of a woman.
Riley, that night I never got the chance to tell you how sorry I was about what happened between us.
And you never have to.
The wedding itself was held in a chopper just before a night drop into hostile territory.
Huh.
And - just curious - what's a chopper rental run these days? Well, actually, we commandeered it from a local guerrilla squad, so cheap.
Ah.
You have my email.
You'll keep in touch? You won't get traced? I don't wanna lead the bad guys to your location by mistake.
- Our line's secure.
- Oh.
Of course it is.
I keep thinking you're regular people, but no, you're not.
Oh, right! Like demon hunting is all exotic to a girl from Sunnydale.
So, you gonna say goodbye this time, or just split all secret-agenty, like last time? Depends.
I warrant a hug? Goodbye, Dawn.
Thought it would suck less this time.
It doesn't.
It was really nice meeting you all.
You ready for Nepal, Agent? Fire fights, bug hunts, big body-counts Yeah, I could use a break.
Bye! Bye, Riley.
Bye, Sam.
What a bitch! So she's back.
Thought you'd be off snogging with soldier boy.
He's gone.
So you've come for a bit of cold comfort? The bed's a bit blown up.
But that was never our I'm not here to And I'm not here to bust your chops about your stupid scheme either.
That's just you.
I should have remembered.
Oh, this is worse then, is it? This is you tellin' me It's over.
I've memorised this tune, love.
Think I have the sheet music.
Doesn't change what you want.
I know that.
I do want you.
Being with you makes things simpler.
For a little while.
I don't call five hours straight a little while.
I'm using you.
I can't love you.
I'm just being weak and selfish.
Really not complaining here.
And it's killing me.
I have to be strong about this.
I'm sorry, William.