Reno 911! (2003) s06e15 Episode Script
Wiegel's Couple's Therapy
Hey, unborn kid.
It's your dad- Craig-Again.
I thought you might want to play catch with your dad, So grab one of your mitts.
Oh, shit.
T- Bone, I fucked up your camera.
Oh-I can fix it.
I just need some scotch tape or something.
Aah! Son of a bitch.
God damn it.
Huh! [Coughs.]
They all have guns! Woo-Hoo! Ow! Push 'em.
Push 'em together? Sheriff's department! I need your bike! Oh, god! [Sirens.]
[Fires two shots, empty gun clicks.]
Uh! Uh! Boss, boss, you're over the line.
Aah! MTV networks Dangle: due to recent unapproved television interviews That somebody in the department gave, if it comes up, The sheriff's department's official policy on ghosts is That we neither acknowledge them nor do we-Nor do we Disavow the possible existence of them, OK? Travis: so it's a cover-up.
I'm not saying it's a cover-up.
What I'm saying is we don't-We don't all believe in ghosts.
That's the difference between black folks and white folks.
Hey, Bernie mac, we gonna do a whole difference of? And we dance weird? No, no.
I want to-What's the difference between- I just thought- I just thought I'd invite you to my world for- And then the guy Sweepy comes out with a broom.
One fucking second.
That's all I want.
No, no.
You do your bit, and I'll be Sweepy with the broom At the Apollo and you rub the log.
Do the difference between black folks and white folks.
Ooh, ooh.
Do that.
Williams: listen.
What's the difference between black people and white people? Black people don't believe in ghosts.
And we don't like mayonnaise, like you guys.
You got to start punching up these jokes, or Sweepy gonna Come out and get you.
Sweepy gonna sweep you right off the stage.
That's the Sandman, and he tap-dances you off the stage.
I apologize.
[Mechanical door bell rings.]
Coffee, please.
Thank you so much.
Here you go.
Every day for 9 years, I've been coming Into burger cousin, and every day for 9 years, Susan has been giving me My coffee just exactly the way I like it, With 8 hazelnuts and 6 splendas.
But today she gives me black coffee.
Why? Because she's sending me a signal.
They're being robbed.
They're being robbed.
God damn it! Freeze, motherfucker! Whoa! Hit the fucking ground, motherfucker.
Freeze, motherfucker! Don't you fucking move! Assume the position, motherfucker.
I got your signal.
Whoa.
Oh, my god.
I got the signal! My signal? I- I didn't give you a signal.
You just gave me a black coffee.
Yeah.
You asked for a coffee.
I've been coming in every day for 9 years, and you give me A coffee with 8 hazelnuts and 6 splendas.
No, I didn't give you a signal.
Nobody's robbing- Oh.
OK.
Is your hand necessary on my- OK.
Out of everybody in here yeah.
Why did you point the gun at me? I don't feel like I did.
You very specifically targeted him.
I don't think that's accurate.
Ahem.
And you pushed him up against our cash machine.
Did I? Did I bump you? Yes.
Did I bump you? Your hand was on my ass.
Come on, bro.
I don't-I don't-Bro? This one will be my mulligan, OK? This is so my bad.
And all you motherfuckers, don't rob anything, and- Especially the black motherfuckers.
[Laughing.]
hey! Come on, man.
Wiegel: hey, Rai? Williams: what's up? I, uh-Ha ha- Used up all of my psychotherapy benefits With the, um, sheriff's department insurance company.
You need somebody to get you some little pills to help you Make it through the day? My mama got a lot of that stuff.
She knows somebody.
No, no, no.
I have-No, I have lots of pills.
What you need? Um, I, um, I found a loophole.
It turns out that I only used up My individual therapy benefits, but I didn't use up My couples therapy benefits, so- You need me to help you find somebody to be a couple With you so you can go in there and get your benefits? In a way.
So, huh? Umm I just need-It's not that weird.
I just need you to pretend like we're a couple.
A couple of what? Folks.
I'll pay you.
Boom.
OK.
A sister don't work for free.
Oh, lordy, you don't have to tell me twice.
Ha ha.
Ahem.
Hey! So we've set up a- Security checkpoint here At john McKay high school In an effort to keep our young folks as safe As possible so that they can fill up their brains With fancy book-Learning.
Protecting them from each other, I guess.
We've also stopped buying books as of last year.
You know they stopped doing that, right? Yeah.
Yeah.
Art was the first to go, then gym.
Now math, I think.
And then all sports except for soccer.
Yeah.
And if you wonder why they're keeping The soccer, uh- [Humming "Mexican hat dance".]
That's a muy interesante pregunta.
Hola.
Bienvenidos.
[Machine beeps.]
hola.
Oh, hey, ma'am? OK.
Do you have a permit for that? Of course.
Yeah? Can I see your permit for that real quick? Remember, don't lose that.
Yeah.
If you lose that, you have to wait Till everybody's claimed theirs, OK? No pistoles.
Gracias.
Do you have a permit for that, please? Oh.
Ooh.
Yup.
This is-This is the Glock, huh? Yeah.
Oh, that's a new Glock.
Ooh, that's live.
It's a new-Look at the detailing in there.
Wow.
Compared to this one.
Beautiful.
Unbelievable.
Yeah.
Wow.
Beautiful.
I'd give anything for a gun like that.
It's beautiful.
Now, let me check this for you.
No, that's mine.
That's mine.
That's mine.
Ha ha! Oh, oh, oh.
Sorry.
Yeah.
OK.
Yeah.
Yeah.
OK.
There we go.
I feel like we grew up in a Norman Rockwell painting- By comparison? Kids running around raping each other.
We used to chase a - Literally we would chase a wheel With a stick down the street sometimes.
[School bell rings.]
I mean, we were poor, obviously.
What are you, 51? Is this the one I think it is? Yeah.
All right.
forget you? Oh, she's a beauty.
Wow.
She is a beauty.
OK.
Take care now.
Well.
I'm just glad he's on our side.
Yeah.
No shit.
I hope he's on our side.
As the three of us begin our work together, I would like For us to be aware of the distinction between hearing And listening, OK? And with that in mind, I'm going to ask - I'm going to ask Each of you to tell me why you're here today, and while The other is speaking, I would like for you to be really Listening-Or, hearing- The other person as opposed to Just listening or- I'm sorry-As opposed to just hearing.
OK, so you want me to hear her, or you want me To listen to her? I didn't say that.
I just said that I- Hey, who the hell is Haylie Duff? Um, sister.
She's the sis- I'm sorry.
This is an example of hearing and listening.
We don't have that.
We have, like, 7 hours with her, so let's get- I would rather- And, Raineesha, I have a feeling that you're hearing me- I'm sorry, you're listening to me, But you're not hearing me.
Hey, what's happening? She never listens.
Yeah.
No.
You know what? Boom.
This is all for her.
We're here for me.
I'm gonna fall back, huh? And I'm gonna let her go on and chop it up with you.
OK.
I'm good over here.
We can just pretend like she doesn't exist, right? Well, that is not asking her to Today it's all about me.
Be an active participant in this relationship.
Excuse me.
I'm paying a $10 copay for this.
For me, that's a lot of money.
Yeah.
I make $8,000 a year.
That's below the poverty line.
Oh, no.
Holy shit.
Oh, no.
Oh, wow.
I don't even want to- Travis: how you doing today, Glen? How do I smell to you, soldier? What-Can't smell you from here, Glen.
I take my orders from the forest.
I've seen things, soldier.
You've seen things.
Uh, is your uniform around anywhere? Is it inside the place? This is my uniform.
Hmm.
We are the hollow men stuffed with straw.
I think maybe you better just take a vacation, Get refreshed.
Why don't you go down to Vegas for a couple of days, get your Head together.
Yeah.
Go to Vegas, Glen.
Huh? You do get vacation time, don't you, Glen? I do need a vacation.
You do need a vacation.
I could have told you that.
Driving up, and I see you doing- I need a vacation.
No.
No, no, no, no, no.
Only 4 more years, Glen.
You're almost-Oh, it's OK.
It's OK.
Let it out.
Let it out.
Let it out.
It's only 4 more years for the park service, Glen.
You're only gonna be up here in the middle of nowhere With no one to talk to for 4 more years.
[Knock on door.]
Man: excuse me.
Hey, fellas.
Hiya.
Hey, can I have a word for a second? Yeah, sure.
Come in.
I got to talk to my partner.
Hang on a second.
[Quietly.]
my wife and I are currently separated.
She has a new boyfriend that my son Shelby thinks is The cat's pajamas, and I told my son that I was an undercover cop Because I want him to think I'm cool, so if you Could just help me out for a second.
Just pretend.
Play along.
Like I'm the coolest- Absolutely.
Shelby, come on in.
See the fellas.
Hey! How are you, Shelby? Shelby, this is, uh, Dick Stick.
We go way back, right, Dick Stick? Uh-Um yeah.
Yeah.
Man: remember that time we were taking those drug dealers down? We fucking dropped them.
Remember we laid down the heat? Oh, yeah.
You took one to the penis.
They shot his dick off.
Do you remember that? You OK? How's it feeling? Travis: that was horrible.
I remember that.
That's why I call him Dip Stick, because he lost his Dip Stick In that big uh, crack house.
You had your dick in your hand, And he was trying to put it in the wrong way.
Travis: I feel like we've told so many great stories about- Yeah.
Law enforcement.
Yeah! Thank you.
Oh, I'm gonna dip you in butter and eat you.
Thanks, guys.
What the fuck was that, guys? They didn't look anything alike.
No, they didn't.
Dipped in butter? Is that what he said he wanted to do to him? I think so.
He said wanted to dip the kid in butter.
Therapist: why don't you tell Trudy Something that you are afraid of.
Huh? Dig deep and look at Trudy.
I'm listening.
I'm really listening.
You're hearing is what you're doing.
I hear her-Oh, now I'm hearing you.
Therapist: if you were just listening, I'd have to stop you.
OK.
You need to hear.
I think it's hear.
I hear you.
Ah, I don't know.
I forget what it- [Sigh.]
.
I'm sorry.
I am-I am afraid [Weigel exhales deeply.]
[Whispering.]
of You call me a nigger one more time, I'm gonna really slap the shit out of you.
Good share.
Good share.
Trudy, how does that make you feel? Afraid.
Yeah.
[Tires squeal.]
Quick, quick, quick.
Oh, my god.
Quick, quick, quick.
Oh, god, it smells.
Oh, Jesus.
Got to get it- OK.
OK.
Uh.
No, Reno.
We've had enough of you dumping your problems On our side of the county line! Sheriff, sheriff, take a look.
[Chuckles.]
See you later.
Thank you! Hee hee hee! I'll move the dog.
Whoo hoo hoo hoo! Hey, Cindy? Hello? I got-No, it's me.
Hey, how you doing? Uh, I got a question for you, Cindy, About how you're filing the sexual arrests here.
It's very simple.
OK.
Because the old system, it didn't make Any sense to me.
Well, it used to be alphabetical because normally You'd think, "OK, I know.
Brad Johnson.
He's a pedophile.
I'll look under j.
" Right.
How do you have it? How do I find brad Johnson? By price.
By price.
Right.
By how much I would charge-Not me.
No.
You don't charge anymore.
We don't charge for sex anymore, do we? No.
No, we don't! No.
So you got this pedophile here Right next to the fella who's Doing a thing to the bodies in the morgue.
Is that really more expensive than this? Right.
You know, what happened was Because it's hard to get rid of this one.
Oh! We give a discount on this one.
Oh, you get a discount for this one.
It's like a two-fer.
Thank you.
Looking good, Cindy.
Dangle: ah.
We don't do that anymore.
Do we have those tea-bagging files around? Yeah.
Sure.
You know what I miss? [School bell rings.]
Records.
Yeah.
You used to have to listen to a whole side of a record.
Well, it's nice because you get grooving and stop and you Got to consider, when you walk up and flip the thing- Flip it.
Side one is an experience.
It's an act.
Act one.
Girl: Travis? Hey.
Travis: hey! How's it going? Good! How are you? Good.
I didn't-Uh, I didn't know you were a cop.
Yeah! Yeah! I mean, I- I-I was in a rodeo For a while, but then I, you know, the road Just got to me.
Oh.
So I got a job at the sheriff's department.
Cool.
Cool.
Yeah.
That's a great job.
Yes.
Cindy.
Betty.
Betty.
Betty! Yeah.
It, um- '95! Yeah.
Great to see you again.
You, too.
Bye.
Take care, now.
Glass houses, bro.
Glass houses.
'95.
Wow.
My TV is older than she is.
Man: hey! Second man: hey, how are you guys doing today? Are you guys ready to learn about health insurance? Yeah! Who knows what health is? Anyone know? Well, I think the definition of health is not having A preexisting medical condition that you don't tell The company about.
Man: ding ding ding ding.
We got a winner over here.
Second man: that's a good answer.
Dangle: yeah, that's a good one.
You give us $500 a month, and we'll take care of you.
Pretty much if-Most things are covered.
Are you saying- Let's ask you this.
What is the scariest thing you think could happen To your body? Bear attack.
Bear attack.
We would cover that.
You would cover a bear attack? If you're on the job yeah.
And you get-If you're in your workplace and you get attacked By a bear, we will cover that.
In the workplace.
Workplace in here? Any animal attacks that happen within the building- Dangle: covered.
You are 100% covered.
Inside the building.
Minus attack dogs that are already in the building.
I'm going to talk to you about something, though, Because this is a little bit of a wavy area.
If you bring in an animal That someone- Not even you-Brings Into the facility, then that is cancelled.
Any animal with an owner.
If we have a break-in, Like a wild animal breaks in, that's The only way we're covered.
Jones: a bear has to walk in here and attack us.
First instructor: and, you know, that's it.
I'm going to go back to the break-In question.
It doesn't have to do that, but if it does, you'll be covered.
It sounds like what you're saying is That a bear can't be also led in here.
The bear has to wander in here on its own.
Travis: you can't lure a bear.
Right.
You can't lure First instructor: I want to address the break-in question.
We don't cover it if a bear breaks in because that would Be theft, and that's a whole different thing.
That's in another insurance.
That's your home insurance.
This is if a bear walked through the door- Travis: without any obstruction at all.
Exactly.
[Wiegel whispering.]
Raineesha.
I love your gumption.
Therapist: wow.
Wiegel: and your get up and go and your can do And your hair.
You got good hair.
Therapist: I asked for one thing.
You gave me 4.
That's OK because they were good.
I don't know, but for some reason right now, just-I Don't know why-And I'm not gonna lie- I don't know why.
I just feel like I should say I'm sorry.
Wiegel: I do, too.
Can we come closer? Physically closer? Yes.
Yes.
And then I want your lips to touch.
This is part of it? Give me your gum.
This is all part of it? Yeah.
Thank you.
[Clears throat.]
[Whispering.]
nice.
Oh, yeah.
Ohh.
Oh, nice.
Mm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Oh, yes.
Mmm mmm.
Oh, yes.
Come on, sweetheart.
Let's go home to our house that we live at together.
Right.
The auto capital of the world.
We live on the west side.
You do? Yeah, where all the gays are.
And would you like to make another appointment? No.
No.
No, no, I wouldn't.
I think-I feel like we're young again.
Yeah.
If we could marry, we would.
A lot of work.
Yeah.
A lot of work.
We did a lot of work.
We did.
Oh, god.
Hearing or listening.
Hearing is when you deeply hear some-No, That's listening.
Listening is the mechanism of taking in information, but it Doesn't go very deep.
Hearing is when you actually allow it to penetrate you At a soul level.
No.
I just need to write that down Because this can't happen again.
à it's OK to have two daddies â à it's OK to have two moms â à if your dads are gay, that's totally OK â à we can still be friends if both your moms are lesbians â à there's all kinds of mommies and daddies â à in the USA â à some of them are fellas and ladies â à and others are straight-up totally gay â à when Jimmy loves Susie, it's hugs and kisses â à but when Jimmy loves another guy named Jimmy â à Mr.
And Mr.
Mom both have penises â à two dads are comfy and cozy â à two moms are fun-Ask my friend Rosie â No.
OK, that's a reference to Rosie O'Donnell- They didn't get it.
She was in "a league of their own" And had a very popular talk show Friends with Madonna.
Probably before you were born.
Wiegel: sound it out just like it-Just like it looks.
Tih no.
Tah.
"Th.
T-H.
Tah.
The.
The.
Williams: hey.
The preparation - That's good.
Trudy, I need to talk to you yeah.
Please.
Sure.
Hey.
Hi.
Um, I just wanted to check on you-Ahem- To see how you were doing.
Oh, that's so nice.
Wow.
That makes me feel really good, and I'm doing OK.
I was about to-Not be honest and say I was doing great, But I really-I'm doing- Williams: I want you to feel like you can be honest because I am Standing here to hear you and to listen.
Do what we used to do, hmm? What's that? You know how it used to be.
Yeah.
I hear you.
It's hard to hear, but I hear it, and I respect it, and I'm, You know, I just think you're great.
That's all.
I just think you're great.
That's all.
[Williams clears throat.]
[Exhales.]
I'm gonna go take a leak.
I got to go to the bathroom.
The oh, fuck it.
MTV networks Captioned by the national captioning institute - Www.
Ncicap.
Org- à straight parents make love with a penis and a vagina â à but gay parents still knock the boots â à by touching two vaginas or a penis up a bottom chute â à mom can have an orgasm with a g-spot in her front â à but dad can have one, too â à with a tiny little switch that's hidden up his butt â à so it's totally OK if your parents turned out gay â à and this wonderful US of gay â [Slide whistle.]
It's your dad- Craig-Again.
I thought you might want to play catch with your dad, So grab one of your mitts.
Oh, shit.
T- Bone, I fucked up your camera.
Oh-I can fix it.
I just need some scotch tape or something.
Aah! Son of a bitch.
God damn it.
Huh! [Coughs.]
They all have guns! Woo-Hoo! Ow! Push 'em.
Push 'em together? Sheriff's department! I need your bike! Oh, god! [Sirens.]
[Fires two shots, empty gun clicks.]
Uh! Uh! Boss, boss, you're over the line.
Aah! MTV networks Dangle: due to recent unapproved television interviews That somebody in the department gave, if it comes up, The sheriff's department's official policy on ghosts is That we neither acknowledge them nor do we-Nor do we Disavow the possible existence of them, OK? Travis: so it's a cover-up.
I'm not saying it's a cover-up.
What I'm saying is we don't-We don't all believe in ghosts.
That's the difference between black folks and white folks.
Hey, Bernie mac, we gonna do a whole difference of? And we dance weird? No, no.
I want to-What's the difference between- I just thought- I just thought I'd invite you to my world for- And then the guy Sweepy comes out with a broom.
One fucking second.
That's all I want.
No, no.
You do your bit, and I'll be Sweepy with the broom At the Apollo and you rub the log.
Do the difference between black folks and white folks.
Ooh, ooh.
Do that.
Williams: listen.
What's the difference between black people and white people? Black people don't believe in ghosts.
And we don't like mayonnaise, like you guys.
You got to start punching up these jokes, or Sweepy gonna Come out and get you.
Sweepy gonna sweep you right off the stage.
That's the Sandman, and he tap-dances you off the stage.
I apologize.
[Mechanical door bell rings.]
Coffee, please.
Thank you so much.
Here you go.
Every day for 9 years, I've been coming Into burger cousin, and every day for 9 years, Susan has been giving me My coffee just exactly the way I like it, With 8 hazelnuts and 6 splendas.
But today she gives me black coffee.
Why? Because she's sending me a signal.
They're being robbed.
They're being robbed.
God damn it! Freeze, motherfucker! Whoa! Hit the fucking ground, motherfucker.
Freeze, motherfucker! Don't you fucking move! Assume the position, motherfucker.
I got your signal.
Whoa.
Oh, my god.
I got the signal! My signal? I- I didn't give you a signal.
You just gave me a black coffee.
Yeah.
You asked for a coffee.
I've been coming in every day for 9 years, and you give me A coffee with 8 hazelnuts and 6 splendas.
No, I didn't give you a signal.
Nobody's robbing- Oh.
OK.
Is your hand necessary on my- OK.
Out of everybody in here yeah.
Why did you point the gun at me? I don't feel like I did.
You very specifically targeted him.
I don't think that's accurate.
Ahem.
And you pushed him up against our cash machine.
Did I? Did I bump you? Yes.
Did I bump you? Your hand was on my ass.
Come on, bro.
I don't-I don't-Bro? This one will be my mulligan, OK? This is so my bad.
And all you motherfuckers, don't rob anything, and- Especially the black motherfuckers.
[Laughing.]
hey! Come on, man.
Wiegel: hey, Rai? Williams: what's up? I, uh-Ha ha- Used up all of my psychotherapy benefits With the, um, sheriff's department insurance company.
You need somebody to get you some little pills to help you Make it through the day? My mama got a lot of that stuff.
She knows somebody.
No, no, no.
I have-No, I have lots of pills.
What you need? Um, I, um, I found a loophole.
It turns out that I only used up My individual therapy benefits, but I didn't use up My couples therapy benefits, so- You need me to help you find somebody to be a couple With you so you can go in there and get your benefits? In a way.
So, huh? Umm I just need-It's not that weird.
I just need you to pretend like we're a couple.
A couple of what? Folks.
I'll pay you.
Boom.
OK.
A sister don't work for free.
Oh, lordy, you don't have to tell me twice.
Ha ha.
Ahem.
Hey! So we've set up a- Security checkpoint here At john McKay high school In an effort to keep our young folks as safe As possible so that they can fill up their brains With fancy book-Learning.
Protecting them from each other, I guess.
We've also stopped buying books as of last year.
You know they stopped doing that, right? Yeah.
Yeah.
Art was the first to go, then gym.
Now math, I think.
And then all sports except for soccer.
Yeah.
And if you wonder why they're keeping The soccer, uh- [Humming "Mexican hat dance".]
That's a muy interesante pregunta.
Hola.
Bienvenidos.
[Machine beeps.]
hola.
Oh, hey, ma'am? OK.
Do you have a permit for that? Of course.
Yeah? Can I see your permit for that real quick? Remember, don't lose that.
Yeah.
If you lose that, you have to wait Till everybody's claimed theirs, OK? No pistoles.
Gracias.
Do you have a permit for that, please? Oh.
Ooh.
Yup.
This is-This is the Glock, huh? Yeah.
Oh, that's a new Glock.
Ooh, that's live.
It's a new-Look at the detailing in there.
Wow.
Compared to this one.
Beautiful.
Unbelievable.
Yeah.
Wow.
Beautiful.
I'd give anything for a gun like that.
It's beautiful.
Now, let me check this for you.
No, that's mine.
That's mine.
That's mine.
Ha ha! Oh, oh, oh.
Sorry.
Yeah.
OK.
Yeah.
Yeah.
OK.
There we go.
I feel like we grew up in a Norman Rockwell painting- By comparison? Kids running around raping each other.
We used to chase a - Literally we would chase a wheel With a stick down the street sometimes.
[School bell rings.]
I mean, we were poor, obviously.
What are you, 51? Is this the one I think it is? Yeah.
All right.
forget you? Oh, she's a beauty.
Wow.
She is a beauty.
OK.
Take care now.
Well.
I'm just glad he's on our side.
Yeah.
No shit.
I hope he's on our side.
As the three of us begin our work together, I would like For us to be aware of the distinction between hearing And listening, OK? And with that in mind, I'm going to ask - I'm going to ask Each of you to tell me why you're here today, and while The other is speaking, I would like for you to be really Listening-Or, hearing- The other person as opposed to Just listening or- I'm sorry-As opposed to just hearing.
OK, so you want me to hear her, or you want me To listen to her? I didn't say that.
I just said that I- Hey, who the hell is Haylie Duff? Um, sister.
She's the sis- I'm sorry.
This is an example of hearing and listening.
We don't have that.
We have, like, 7 hours with her, so let's get- I would rather- And, Raineesha, I have a feeling that you're hearing me- I'm sorry, you're listening to me, But you're not hearing me.
Hey, what's happening? She never listens.
Yeah.
No.
You know what? Boom.
This is all for her.
We're here for me.
I'm gonna fall back, huh? And I'm gonna let her go on and chop it up with you.
OK.
I'm good over here.
We can just pretend like she doesn't exist, right? Well, that is not asking her to Today it's all about me.
Be an active participant in this relationship.
Excuse me.
I'm paying a $10 copay for this.
For me, that's a lot of money.
Yeah.
I make $8,000 a year.
That's below the poverty line.
Oh, no.
Holy shit.
Oh, no.
Oh, wow.
I don't even want to- Travis: how you doing today, Glen? How do I smell to you, soldier? What-Can't smell you from here, Glen.
I take my orders from the forest.
I've seen things, soldier.
You've seen things.
Uh, is your uniform around anywhere? Is it inside the place? This is my uniform.
Hmm.
We are the hollow men stuffed with straw.
I think maybe you better just take a vacation, Get refreshed.
Why don't you go down to Vegas for a couple of days, get your Head together.
Yeah.
Go to Vegas, Glen.
Huh? You do get vacation time, don't you, Glen? I do need a vacation.
You do need a vacation.
I could have told you that.
Driving up, and I see you doing- I need a vacation.
No.
No, no, no, no, no.
Only 4 more years, Glen.
You're almost-Oh, it's OK.
It's OK.
Let it out.
Let it out.
Let it out.
It's only 4 more years for the park service, Glen.
You're only gonna be up here in the middle of nowhere With no one to talk to for 4 more years.
[Knock on door.]
Man: excuse me.
Hey, fellas.
Hiya.
Hey, can I have a word for a second? Yeah, sure.
Come in.
I got to talk to my partner.
Hang on a second.
[Quietly.]
my wife and I are currently separated.
She has a new boyfriend that my son Shelby thinks is The cat's pajamas, and I told my son that I was an undercover cop Because I want him to think I'm cool, so if you Could just help me out for a second.
Just pretend.
Play along.
Like I'm the coolest- Absolutely.
Shelby, come on in.
See the fellas.
Hey! How are you, Shelby? Shelby, this is, uh, Dick Stick.
We go way back, right, Dick Stick? Uh-Um yeah.
Yeah.
Man: remember that time we were taking those drug dealers down? We fucking dropped them.
Remember we laid down the heat? Oh, yeah.
You took one to the penis.
They shot his dick off.
Do you remember that? You OK? How's it feeling? Travis: that was horrible.
I remember that.
That's why I call him Dip Stick, because he lost his Dip Stick In that big uh, crack house.
You had your dick in your hand, And he was trying to put it in the wrong way.
Travis: I feel like we've told so many great stories about- Yeah.
Law enforcement.
Yeah! Thank you.
Oh, I'm gonna dip you in butter and eat you.
Thanks, guys.
What the fuck was that, guys? They didn't look anything alike.
No, they didn't.
Dipped in butter? Is that what he said he wanted to do to him? I think so.
He said wanted to dip the kid in butter.
Therapist: why don't you tell Trudy Something that you are afraid of.
Huh? Dig deep and look at Trudy.
I'm listening.
I'm really listening.
You're hearing is what you're doing.
I hear her-Oh, now I'm hearing you.
Therapist: if you were just listening, I'd have to stop you.
OK.
You need to hear.
I think it's hear.
I hear you.
Ah, I don't know.
I forget what it- [Sigh.]
.
I'm sorry.
I am-I am afraid [Weigel exhales deeply.]
[Whispering.]
of You call me a nigger one more time, I'm gonna really slap the shit out of you.
Good share.
Good share.
Trudy, how does that make you feel? Afraid.
Yeah.
[Tires squeal.]
Quick, quick, quick.
Oh, my god.
Quick, quick, quick.
Oh, god, it smells.
Oh, Jesus.
Got to get it- OK.
OK.
Uh.
No, Reno.
We've had enough of you dumping your problems On our side of the county line! Sheriff, sheriff, take a look.
[Chuckles.]
See you later.
Thank you! Hee hee hee! I'll move the dog.
Whoo hoo hoo hoo! Hey, Cindy? Hello? I got-No, it's me.
Hey, how you doing? Uh, I got a question for you, Cindy, About how you're filing the sexual arrests here.
It's very simple.
OK.
Because the old system, it didn't make Any sense to me.
Well, it used to be alphabetical because normally You'd think, "OK, I know.
Brad Johnson.
He's a pedophile.
I'll look under j.
" Right.
How do you have it? How do I find brad Johnson? By price.
By price.
Right.
By how much I would charge-Not me.
No.
You don't charge anymore.
We don't charge for sex anymore, do we? No.
No, we don't! No.
So you got this pedophile here Right next to the fella who's Doing a thing to the bodies in the morgue.
Is that really more expensive than this? Right.
You know, what happened was Because it's hard to get rid of this one.
Oh! We give a discount on this one.
Oh, you get a discount for this one.
It's like a two-fer.
Thank you.
Looking good, Cindy.
Dangle: ah.
We don't do that anymore.
Do we have those tea-bagging files around? Yeah.
Sure.
You know what I miss? [School bell rings.]
Records.
Yeah.
You used to have to listen to a whole side of a record.
Well, it's nice because you get grooving and stop and you Got to consider, when you walk up and flip the thing- Flip it.
Side one is an experience.
It's an act.
Act one.
Girl: Travis? Hey.
Travis: hey! How's it going? Good! How are you? Good.
I didn't-Uh, I didn't know you were a cop.
Yeah! Yeah! I mean, I- I-I was in a rodeo For a while, but then I, you know, the road Just got to me.
Oh.
So I got a job at the sheriff's department.
Cool.
Cool.
Yeah.
That's a great job.
Yes.
Cindy.
Betty.
Betty.
Betty! Yeah.
It, um- '95! Yeah.
Great to see you again.
You, too.
Bye.
Take care, now.
Glass houses, bro.
Glass houses.
'95.
Wow.
My TV is older than she is.
Man: hey! Second man: hey, how are you guys doing today? Are you guys ready to learn about health insurance? Yeah! Who knows what health is? Anyone know? Well, I think the definition of health is not having A preexisting medical condition that you don't tell The company about.
Man: ding ding ding ding.
We got a winner over here.
Second man: that's a good answer.
Dangle: yeah, that's a good one.
You give us $500 a month, and we'll take care of you.
Pretty much if-Most things are covered.
Are you saying- Let's ask you this.
What is the scariest thing you think could happen To your body? Bear attack.
Bear attack.
We would cover that.
You would cover a bear attack? If you're on the job yeah.
And you get-If you're in your workplace and you get attacked By a bear, we will cover that.
In the workplace.
Workplace in here? Any animal attacks that happen within the building- Dangle: covered.
You are 100% covered.
Inside the building.
Minus attack dogs that are already in the building.
I'm going to talk to you about something, though, Because this is a little bit of a wavy area.
If you bring in an animal That someone- Not even you-Brings Into the facility, then that is cancelled.
Any animal with an owner.
If we have a break-in, Like a wild animal breaks in, that's The only way we're covered.
Jones: a bear has to walk in here and attack us.
First instructor: and, you know, that's it.
I'm going to go back to the break-In question.
It doesn't have to do that, but if it does, you'll be covered.
It sounds like what you're saying is That a bear can't be also led in here.
The bear has to wander in here on its own.
Travis: you can't lure a bear.
Right.
You can't lure First instructor: I want to address the break-in question.
We don't cover it if a bear breaks in because that would Be theft, and that's a whole different thing.
That's in another insurance.
That's your home insurance.
This is if a bear walked through the door- Travis: without any obstruction at all.
Exactly.
[Wiegel whispering.]
Raineesha.
I love your gumption.
Therapist: wow.
Wiegel: and your get up and go and your can do And your hair.
You got good hair.
Therapist: I asked for one thing.
You gave me 4.
That's OK because they were good.
I don't know, but for some reason right now, just-I Don't know why-And I'm not gonna lie- I don't know why.
I just feel like I should say I'm sorry.
Wiegel: I do, too.
Can we come closer? Physically closer? Yes.
Yes.
And then I want your lips to touch.
This is part of it? Give me your gum.
This is all part of it? Yeah.
Thank you.
[Clears throat.]
[Whispering.]
nice.
Oh, yeah.
Ohh.
Oh, nice.
Mm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Oh, yes.
Mmm mmm.
Oh, yes.
Come on, sweetheart.
Let's go home to our house that we live at together.
Right.
The auto capital of the world.
We live on the west side.
You do? Yeah, where all the gays are.
And would you like to make another appointment? No.
No.
No, no, I wouldn't.
I think-I feel like we're young again.
Yeah.
If we could marry, we would.
A lot of work.
Yeah.
A lot of work.
We did a lot of work.
We did.
Oh, god.
Hearing or listening.
Hearing is when you deeply hear some-No, That's listening.
Listening is the mechanism of taking in information, but it Doesn't go very deep.
Hearing is when you actually allow it to penetrate you At a soul level.
No.
I just need to write that down Because this can't happen again.
à it's OK to have two daddies â à it's OK to have two moms â à if your dads are gay, that's totally OK â à we can still be friends if both your moms are lesbians â à there's all kinds of mommies and daddies â à in the USA â à some of them are fellas and ladies â à and others are straight-up totally gay â à when Jimmy loves Susie, it's hugs and kisses â à but when Jimmy loves another guy named Jimmy â à Mr.
And Mr.
Mom both have penises â à two dads are comfy and cozy â à two moms are fun-Ask my friend Rosie â No.
OK, that's a reference to Rosie O'Donnell- They didn't get it.
She was in "a league of their own" And had a very popular talk show Friends with Madonna.
Probably before you were born.
Wiegel: sound it out just like it-Just like it looks.
Tih no.
Tah.
"Th.
T-H.
Tah.
The.
The.
Williams: hey.
The preparation - That's good.
Trudy, I need to talk to you yeah.
Please.
Sure.
Hey.
Hi.
Um, I just wanted to check on you-Ahem- To see how you were doing.
Oh, that's so nice.
Wow.
That makes me feel really good, and I'm doing OK.
I was about to-Not be honest and say I was doing great, But I really-I'm doing- Williams: I want you to feel like you can be honest because I am Standing here to hear you and to listen.
Do what we used to do, hmm? What's that? You know how it used to be.
Yeah.
I hear you.
It's hard to hear, but I hear it, and I respect it, and I'm, You know, I just think you're great.
That's all.
I just think you're great.
That's all.
[Williams clears throat.]
[Exhales.]
I'm gonna go take a leak.
I got to go to the bathroom.
The oh, fuck it.
MTV networks Captioned by the national captioning institute - Www.
Ncicap.
Org- à straight parents make love with a penis and a vagina â à but gay parents still knock the boots â à by touching two vaginas or a penis up a bottom chute â à mom can have an orgasm with a g-spot in her front â à but dad can have one, too â à with a tiny little switch that's hidden up his butt â à so it's totally OK if your parents turned out gay â à and this wonderful US of gay â [Slide whistle.]