Scrubs s06e15 Episode Script

J.
D.
: Yesterday, Laverne was in a car accident.
It was all we could think about.
How's she doing? Major head trauma.
We had to place a CVP bolt to relieve the pressure on her brain.
Now we just cross our fingers and wait.
J.
D.
: Everyone deals with heartache differently.
Some of us did something life-affirming.
(BOTH MOANING) What is that, like, four times? Let's see.
(SCREAMING) Five.
I'm still sad.
Again.
J.
D.
: Others resorted to childish mischief.
I love mailbox baseball.
Here comes his house.
I've been wanting to do this for six years! (SCREAMING) (CLANGS) Nice try, Turkelton, but Enid kept taking out the mailbox with the motor-home, so I had it reinforced with titanium.
(CLANGS) (GROANING) Beautiful morning.
J.
D.
: And some people just needed to do something impulsive.
There.
Nobody liked my haircut, so now they can all just suck it.
Yeah, you win.
God, I can't believe I'm getting my C-section today.
Did you forget to tell anyone? No.
I told the nanny to stay overnight, and my mom booked a flight for next week, and I'm meeting the O.
B.
At the hospital in two hours.
- No - Did I not tell you? You did not.
I could have sworn I texted you.
Well, it's for the best, 'cause if you knew, you just would get all panicky and annoying.
And this way you only have to freak out for a couple of hours, most of which I'll be unconscious.
Kind of like our honeymoon.
Except this time when you wake up, you're going to have a baby girl in your arms instead of the Bolivian limbo champion.
Oh, Marco! What a cheeky monkey! How come we don't travel anymore? J.
D.
: Carla had the difficult job of talking to Laverne's family.
So there's a chance she may never wake up? Well, Lester, we just don't know that yet.
I wish there was an easier way to break bad news to people.
So, what's wrong with me, Doc? Mr.
Gubard, I think it would be best if we brought in the Bad News Robot.
Ello, random patient.
You have cancer.
Press "one" for a reassuring pep talk.
Press "two" to give up.
(BEEPS) You pressed "one" for a reassuring pep talk.
You are strong, you can beat this, beat this, beat this, beat this, beat (VOICE DISTORTING) Stupid robot! Ow! I'm so sorry, but your father's had a massive systems failure.
Oh, daddy, no! It started in his hard drive and then worked its way to all the other circuits.
I know this is a very difficult time for you and (GROANING) Sure, disintegrate the messenger.
Dude, I need to talk to you.
Dr.
Wen kept referring to her as "the patient," and I was like, "That's not 'the patient,' that's Laverne," you know? I know.
Dude.
(SIGHS) You've taught me so much over the years, Laverne, like how to place an IV without bruising or how to get lab results back faster or the fact that when white people come in out of the rain, we smell like wet dog.
We do.
We really do.
I went to your desk and got you your favorite makeup.
You're such a beautiful woman, Laverne.
You always deserve to look your best.
Thank you.
Checking in on her? I just want to make sure she knows how much I care about her.
As long as you're not saying goodbye.
I mean, people have come back from worse.
Remember Mr.
Chuang? Slipped into a coma in 1984, woke up last month.
Hey, ladies, where's the beef? I'm just saying let's keep the faith.
Yeah.
Don't let her put no more makeup on me.
I look like a street-walker.
Say, Bob, how's Laverne doing? No change, she's still unresponsive.
Are you on call tonight or will you be busy fighting Superman? - You look like Lex Luthor.
- I get it.
- Sylvia! - Yes! We've got some super-secret news.
- Hit me! - Sugar plum? They're scooping the baby out of me today.
- You guys - Don't say it.
Congratu Don't even think it.
He's in my head.
I love it.
I'm only telling you this because we need a favor.
Anything.
Just three quick questions.
Did you do that to your head so your baby will think everybody looks like that? Can I be the godfather? And why is this a secret? I'm going to answer the first two with the same sentence.
Stop making dumb jokes.
And it is a secret because Jordan had pre-natal surgery for hydronephrosis, and we want to make sure everything's okay with the kid before we start spreading the word.
You guys, your baby is going to be just fine.
Thanks, now all our fears are gone.
(WHISTLES) Here's what I need you to do.
J.
D.
: Oh, my God, Dr.
Cox is letting me into his inner circle.
He wants No, he needs my help.
If you do this right, next stop, godfather.
Wait, what did he say? We're ready for you.
Can you manage that? Ask him to repeat it.
No, no, no, then he'll know you weren't listening and he'll never trust you again.
I'm on it, Perry.
What's going on? I mean You can't be a ghost, you're not dead.
- Damn right, I'm not dead.
- Then why are you here? Sugar, you're the one imagining me.
It's up to you to figure that out.
- Dr.
Cox, nice head.
- Thanks.
This may be a strange question, but Have you ever had the memory of someone follow you around, kind of like a ghost? No.
But, then again, I'm a sane person.
Okay.
TRACY: Liar.
Hi, Dr.
Cox! I got pregnant in heaven.
Who knew that could happen? Come on.
J.
D.
: I figured Dr.
Berman, the hospital audiologist, could help me.
Hey, Ed.
I read once that audiologists can read lips.
Is that true? Actually, yes.
It's surprisingly easy to learn if you just I don't need your life story, Ed.
Can you help me reconstruct what someone said if I remember what their lips looked like? I'll give it a shot.
Okay, let's remember his mouth.
Now, let me get into character.
Hating the world, clenching my jaw, wishing I could love J.
D.
A little more.
Well, I think what he said was For a minute there I was in real trouble.
I would have to kiss being godfather goodbye, which reminds me of that time my godfather kissed me goodbye.
He always had crumbs in his soul patch.
Wait, has he been talking this whole time? I'm sorry, could you repeat that? I said, I think it's, "Pick up some film for my camera.
" Good work, Ed.
(E.
K.
G.
BEEPING) You know, she once told me I'd have a happy life, and she said it with a straight face.
You were the one woman I'd never do, because I respect you too much and you're kind of a big gal.
But if doing you right now could help, I would.
I'd like to say something in private.
- I love you.
- Okay.
Yeah, it's all right.
I probably should have said this to you before, but you always impressed me, your compassion, your faith.
And you didn't get mad at me when I insisted that I should be the lifeguard at your above-ground pool party, even after I made it painfully obvious that I'm not a strong swimmer.
If you see your dog up there, please tell him I'm sorry.
What are you doing? I wanted to share a few words before she passed through the golden doors of Valhalla.
What now? I converted to the Norse religion a few years ago.
It just made sense.
That's it! No more goodbyes, okay? She's not getting any better, but she's not getting any worse, either.
No more! Mmm, mmm! I sure love it when you get your sass on, girl! - There.
There's my girl.
- How is she? How's the baby? We got your daughter into the NICU, and her lungs look great.
Like we discussed, she'll need another surgery in a couple of months, but all in all, everything is better than we could have hoped for.
Listen, Doc, we're not comfortable letting people see our emotional moments, so if you just turn around for a second, that'd be great.
Okay, we're good.
Nurse Roberts.
You were always one of the good ones.
- What the hell? - We did it once.
Twenty-some odd years ago, before Mr.
Roberts.
- Did I not tell you that? - No! He love him some brown sugar.
- That look only works for black guys.
- Then why are you sporting it? - How'd it go? - Everyone's doing well.
Though you'd prefer to give him a full body hug, just go with a slight nod.
And now the coup de grâce.
I got you some film for your camera.
Thanks, I guess.
Did you pick my son up at daycare? Oh, God, no.
"Pick up my son from daycare.
" Damn it, it fits! - Taken care of, Per-Per.
- That a boy! Luckily, I can walk and text simultaneously.
(PAGER BEEPING) It's game time! All right, Newbie, it is time to tell the masses.
Do me a favor, try not to tear up.
Sometimes even the best news can be disrupted by a stupid chart.
Is that Laverne's latest CAT scan? How's it look? J.
D.
: And when that chart has the worst news of all, there's only one thing left to do.
Bye, Laverne.
That can't be good.
J.
D.
: Laverne was brain dead, so when her family decided to take her off life support, all we could do was wait for her body to give up.
I couldn't help but think of the first time I had dealt with death and how Laverne had been there for me.
No way anyone could have caught it.
- Anyhow, you have to pronounce him.
- But why didn't anybody page me? Could you just pronounce him so I can go home? You can finally go home, Laverne.
He did not just say that.
Too cheesy! Hey, Carla, I can get someone to cover for you if you want to take some time to say goodbye.
I've got stuff to do.
Per, I am drugged up on pain killers, I've ironed my hair, I've got that brand new picture of the baby.
I am ready for the flood of well-wishers.
Buttercup, this is not our child.
Yeah, ours still looks like a lizard.
I got this off the Internet.
I think it's some baby that Luke Wilson had with a hooker.
Fantastic.
I'm going to go spread the word! Look at you, squish-nose.
Okay, the fastest way to spread the news is to tell the gals in Radiology, because you know how Joanne and Rhonda are.
"Blah, blah, blah, blah.
"Oh, there's Dr.
Dorian, he's so hot.
" "I agree!" "No, you don't, he's mine!" That's Rhonda, by the way.
Joanne, horse face.
I'm not telling anyone that my daughter has been born.
But you just told Jordan that you were going to.
Yes, and that's what we call a lie or, when you're married, communication.
Come on, Newbie, you and I both know Laverne's not going to be around a whole lot longer.
And I know this reasoning's about as rational as your parents actually thinking they could raise you as a boy, but I don't want the birth of my child to be forever associated with her death, and that's why I'm not going to tell anybody anything until after she passes.
Now, I I just got to figure out how to stall Jordan.
I can help.
What, like you helped pick up my son? He got home, didn't he? (SPEED METAL PLAYING ON STEREO) Some say speed metal can be very soothing.
Since I already know about it, right, why don't I go in there and make a big show, give her some J.
D.
Razzle-dazzle, some jazz hands.
That way she'll forget all about how no one's come to congratulate her on the arrival of little baby Jennifer Dylan.
- Why that name? - I just think it's pretty.
And she'd be "J.
D.
" forever.
You know, Laverne, if this were a horror flick, I'd be so scared that I was next.
They always kill the black folks off first.
No, I'm not really worried about it, 'cause there's still Snoop Dogg Resident and Leonard the security guard and You know, when you think about it, this is a white-ass hospital.
I'm going to miss you, so you take care, okay? Turk, Carla's really having a hard time with all this.
I think she needs help.
Okay, let's go.
But this is going to suck so, since you're her best friend, you should do all the talking.
Turk, you should do it.
Oh, no, I'm just her husband.
You guys are way closer.
Could you just do me a favor and go away? I'm an extension of your psyche.
All you have to do is close your eyes and think me away.
Okay.
I can see you crouching under the table.
Damn.
Hey, baby? Laverne's getting weaker by the minute and we thought you might want to come back up.
I don't know.
You know, Carla, when I was 12 years old, I had this math teacher, Mr.
Creighton.
Anyway, he used to give us these pop quizzes all the time.
Not about math.
They were literally quizzes about soda pop.
So, once, the question was, "What was Mountain Dew's original name?" So, I wrote Mountain Mist, and then my best friend, Cindy MacNamara, cheated off my paper, but it was the wrong answer, because it was a trick question.
Mountain Dew was always called Mountain Dew.
Although, little known fact, Mr.
Pibb, originally called Señor Brown Water The point is, Cindy got the answer wrong, she failed the course and she had to go to a dumb-girl school.
I never even got to sign her yearbook.
Okay! I'm just guessing, but what I think Elliot's saying is, you should probably say goodbye to the people you care about when you have the chance.
Yeah.
Maybe that's why you imagined me here, because you don't want to do that.
I'm just going to shut up.
J.
D.
: All right, you want to seal the godfather deal? Make Jordan feel like she's the first woman to ever give birth.
Congratulate hard or go home.
(SPEAKING IN FRENCH) That's French for "Is there a mama in the house?" Wow, do you look hot for a woman who just got gutted.
Can you believe it, Per? Are you with me? You are! I know I am.
What's that smell? That's the sweet scent of after-birth.
Jordan, I am so happy to be in your life and these are for you.
You are in the zone.
Now, bring it home with an emotional voice crack to show the depth of your love.
(VOICE CRACKING) I am so happy for you.
Bravo! When are the people I actually give a crap about showing up? You.
I am officially screwed.
Don't sweat it.
There's one more way I could stall.
And now, shadow puppet theater.
(BARKING) - I'm a dog! - Lame.
Come on, I'm just getting started.
Gang, places! Pearl Harbor, December 7th, 1941.
It started as a peaceful day, and then Aggression from the Japanese! This is totally unexpected.
(IMITATING EXPLOSIONS) TED: Banzai to you, my friend.
Ted! There were no alligators at Pearl Harbor.
- Oh, man! Battleships are so boring.
- Back to work! We can also do the Battle of Gettysburg or the first act of Miss Saigon.
What the hell am I going to do? Unfortunately for Dr.
Cox, that's when Elliot walked by and showcased her oddest talent.
Somebody just had a baby.
- How do you know? - My uterus is glowing.
My mom had a uterus.
I lived in it.
Oh, my God! It was Jordan, wasn't it? Listen carefully, Barbie, if you mention this to a soul, - so help me, I'll - Save it! Not even a killer threat coupled with that new psychopathic alien head could keep me from telling the world.
Congratulations! Oh, Perry! (SQUEALS) - Yes! - And there it was.
The birth of Dr.
Cox's baby would forever be associated with Laverne's death.
And the next time Dr.
Cox walked into the ICU, he'd be greeted by a sea of sad faces.
Thank you, Bob.
- That a boy.
- Janitor.
- Congratulations! - I knew before everyone.
In your faces! I knew! Tell them, Perry.
It was a long saga How How's she doing? - She's hanging on.
- Yeah You jerk! Why didn't you tell us? Well Because we all love Laverne very much.
And I know this is going to sound selfish and crazy, but I didn't want everyone thinking about her dying every time my daughter has a birthday party.
And by everyone, I mean the three of you I would actually invite to such an event.
No.
A baby is a blessing.
Besides, when it's time for something to happen, you've just got to let it happen.
And sometimes it takes a little while to realize that.
Yeah.
Big dog! J.
D.
: And that's when Carla knew what she had to do.
(E.
K.
G.
BEEPING) Go on, girl.
You can do it.
Wow, I'm still not ready to do this.
It's going to be so weird not having you by my side every day.
Making fun of the doctors, going on and on about Jesus.
Man, I hope he's real or you're going to be pissed.
Remember my first day, when that patient came in and started bleeding out on me and I was so shocked I could barely move? But you stood by my side and you guided me through it.
And then you did the most amazing thing of all.
You made me laugh.
For the last 15 years, you've been my role model, but most of all, you've been my friend.
(SOBBING) And I don't know what else to say except I'm really, really gonna miss you.
Goodbye.
TURK: Come here, baby.
J.
D.
: You can ask any doctor.
Sometimes it seems like patients just hang on until everyone's had a chance to say goodbye.
(E.
K.
G.
DRONING) - Here, boys and girls.
- Thanks.
Truth be told, they're on that guy.
J.
D.
: Friends have a way of helping you move on even if it's as simple as changing the subject.
Dr.
Cox, I cannot wait to see that little baby of yours.
Yeah.
It must be such a madhouse with everyone visiting Jordan.
What? I only told you guys and you guys are all here.
What's the worst that could happen, right? They're probably just forming a line outside to make sure they come in one by one.
Screw it.
You know what? You're the godfather.
Yes, yes, yes! In your face! - Can you name her Jennifer Dylan? - Sure, what the hell.
(SOBBING JOYFULLY) J.
D.
: And, finally, there was only one thing left to say.
To Laverne.