Shameless s06e15 Episode Script
Confession
Tickets this way for the Chatsworth Express.
Come and watch pikeys making a mess of the lives they were given by 'im upstairs.
And kids they're convinced aren't actually theirs.
What sounds on earth could ever replace kids needing money or wives in your face? Cos this, people reckon, and me included, is why pubs and drugs were kindly invented.
To calm us all down, stop us going mental.
These are Chatsworth Estate's basic essentials.
We are worth every penny for grinding your axes.
You shit on our heads, but you pay the taxes.
Imagine a Britain without Chatsworth buccaneers who'd come on your face for the price of a beer.
Make poverty history, cheaper drugs now! Make poverty history cheaper drugs now! He, he, he! Scatter! Party! 'Age of Enlightenment.
'Age of Reason.
Age of Aquarius.
'It's always the age of something.
'We live in the Information Age.
'Internet, satellite, cable.
' Oh! You sure that's your most respectable gear? Me black tights are laddered.
Had to raid the laundry basket for these.
Max, you've got a bit of Fuck-me stockings.
And a bit of tit on display always brings a smile at a funeral.
'Quality information is at a premium, and those who have it 'want to hold on to it, because information is dangerous.
' Hey! You told me St Martin's.
Did I? I meant St Mark's.
You wrote it down.
Well, you'll only get pissed and embarrass us.
Who the fuck are you to censor where I go and don't go? Any chance you might be slightly overreacting, Mr G? I am the head of the house.
I should be told.
Told what? Everything.
Where, who, why, whenwhere! My role is to listen, advise, support.
People look to me.
Only to point and laugh.
You're only bothered cos the chance of a free drink flashed in front of your eyes.
To pay my respects.
I knew Theresa before you were even a teardrop in me trousers.
And as for the free drink, well, you know, every cloud STOMACH RUMBLES You all right? Indigestion.
That fucking curry Yvonne gave us last night, I had it on me chips.
Yvonne didn't do a curry last night.
What was that green stuff on the stove, then? Can't think.
'My patience is being sorely fucking tested.
' Good.
Morning.
Oh, my God.
You weren't Don't be ridiculous.
Did you get your undies from the washing basket? > Yes.
There's caustic soda in the crotch.
Piss off.
We open in five.
I need to get away anyway.
Morning.
Yeah.
We should at least try and be civil to one another.
I haven't kicked you out, have I? You look nice.
Hey, beautiful.
All set? Weeee! I don't see how come I can't go to this funeral.
Don't want to spoil your innocence by pointing out you're going to be worm food one day.
Besides, I need your help packing all this.
willing to pay for that.
Full set's worth a couple of hundred.
One geek selling crap to another.
Not exactly what the internet was invented for.
You calling me a geek? You looked in the mirror lately? What are you going to do with all the money? Add it to the pot.
Whatever I get for the house set me up.
> We've been over this, wee man.
There's nothing for me on the Chatsworth.
I was having a riot in Ibiza till Dannyhappened.
On behalf of all Theresa's family, I'd like to thank you all for coming, and drink your fill in her blessed memory.
Theresa.
Grub's good.
I've not eaten since breakfast.
The talent's not bad either.
You're mooching at a funeral? Where does all that go? I've got Johnny Vegas locked in me attic.
Must be fate.
I asked round my mates, but nobody knew who you were.
Thought I'd lost you.
Yet here I am.
Is it my turn to say something, or do you want me to fuck off? She was my grandmother, on my dad's side.
He shoots, he scores! She's coming round for a drink later.
It's weird, though, I get the feeling I know her from somewhere.
You do.
You shagged her about three months ago, after Abba night at the Jockey.
She didn't say 'owt.
Maybe she don't remember.
Nice of you to bring the family, Frank.
Her kids'll appreciate that.
Dragged 'em out of bed, Algie.
Least I could do.
Theresa was one of a kind.
I didn't know you were so close.
When I was 15, Theresa'd bepushing about 40, but she was still fit, you know? Breasts like Hindenburgs, pointing skywards.
Lush, heart-shaped arse.
She rode me raw, Algie.
She initiated me in the pearls of the flesh.
It was a two-way street, though.
Old Tommy, he wasn't, you know, Errol Flynn.
PA SYSTEM WHINES Sorry, Algie, is that me? It's the curry last night.
Testing, one, two Who the fuck is that idiot? How could she not remember? You didn't remember her.
Oh, come on! Fuck off! ^ I'm in dire fucking straits here! I know this might be a bit arse about tit, seeing as we've already spent the night together, but maybe I could take you for a drink some time? Are you asking me out at your gran's funeral? By all accounts, Gran was a bit of a goer.
I'm sure she'd approve.
Oh! COMMOTION Oh Ahhh Oh Well, I can hardly stop now! Argh! You're a poof.
I'm Your ring tone is Copacabana and you pluck your eyebrows.
That'sthat's just personal grooming.
You saw The Sound Of Music three times when it was in Manchester.
It'sit's a morality tale.
Did Carl tell ya? I used my own amazing powers of deduction.
You know that Ian is also a homosexual? Oh, I've seen his membership card.
I've got a proposition for ya.
Hey! Do you think I've gone too far The eyebrows? Some might say not far enough.
I've never seen you cook once since I met ya.
I can follow a recipe, I'm not a complete idiot.
Get 'em sat round a table, they'll have to talk.
What are you doing? Loss adjustor from the insurance comes tomorrow.
All me invoices have been rendered unreadable due to water damage so I have to estimate.
We don't sell electrical goods.
Of course we do, Stanley.
All my stock has been tragically decimated in this fire.
There's a skip down on Rayburn Common.
Go see what you can find.
Every piece of crap I drag in, I get a tenner.
What you doing? I need 30 quid.
Is that a problem? I'm scrounging through skips, doing this to my nails, and he can take what he wants? What do you want doing with these? Kick fuck out of 'em.
Mark 'em as reduced, put 'em with fire stock.
What was Debbie's quote? "The single most humiliating day of my life", and that's saying something, Frank.
I've had a dicky tummy, see, and Even when you genuinely try to do right, you still fuck it up, don't you? I'm cursed.
Like I was Glen Hoddle in a previous life or something.
Just listen sometimes.
I do! I'm not talking about the gaps in between what you want to say! I mean, really listen.
It's an undervalued skill.
I best go in, endure the wrath of Debbie.
Well, she's not there.
They're down the Jockey.
Yvonne's got the littl'un.
Despite your reasonable tone and helpful advice, I still fucking hate ya.
Of course.
Do you like it, then? Four hours that took.
It's a lovely surprise.
Thank you, son.
Did youfollow the recipe to the letter? No.
All proper good cooks, right, they stray from t'book a bit.
Said "add sugar", but you don't add sugar to hot food, do you? So you replaced it with? Mango chutney.
Like you get in curries and that.
Mango Bolognese.
Yeah.
Delicious.
LAUGHTER Pass the salt please, Mimi.
Certainly.
Oops.
Can we have the room, please? He means, get out.
This stops now.
Her name was Maureen.
Don't you fucking dare.
.
! I will not live like this.
If it's all out in the open, I've nothing left hanging over me.
I don't want to know.
Tough fucking titty! Maureen.
And I fell head over heels for her, like an imbecilic school-boy.
Don't ask why cos I don't know.
Something lacking at home, maybe.
A marriage long gone stagnant, certainly.
But I am not the betraying kind, Mimi.
Never have been, throughout our marriage.
This woman Shehad something.
And I fell.
Had something, did she? She was special, was she? You've crossed a line, Paddy.
You should've left it unsaid.
Fucking Irish fucking scum! With his sob story Deceitful fucking excuse for a man! A real man would stand by his family, stand by his wife! SMASHING Fuck.
WOMAN MOANS, MUSIC PLAYS He's got us over a barrel.
What are you doing? Your mum's in there.
Put it back on, and don't let the door hit your fat arse on the way out.
LAUGHTER If you value your bollocks, lads, I suggest you make an exit.
Now! You're a fucking crook and a liar.
And so's she.
Your mum and dad were trying to protect ya.
They were looking after the money.
Told us our dad was dead - cos it's always about the money.
That's not true.
What do you know? You're only here cos she's so desperate, she'll shag anything.
I'm sorry.
I'll do whatever I fucking like.
I'm sorry! We need to talk.
Light a match under me, you could deep fry haddock on my arms.
I've shared a room with him.
I think I know what his tastes are.
And they're stuck in 1983, are they? I'm fucking starving.
Does anyone fancy a? Sorry.
Needed the tape.
There's four rolls on the table.
Oh, yeah.
So there is.
Pizza.
I'm going for pizza.
No anchovies.
Make me gag.
Good day? Brilliant.
He was really wonderful with her.
And me.
But you know him in the biblical sense.
Any good? I don't remember.
Don't remember?! Well, not even She wouldn't know.
Never seen it.
Nothing happened.
Debbie was in no fit state to go home by herself.
And since her mate had fucked off, I slept on the floor.
You didn't even cop a feel while she were out of it? Max! If he didn't, that makes him weird.
Same again? Oh, yes.
Ta.
Tracey Parsons, psychology student.
Paints pottery on weekends.
All coming back to her, then? No, not a fucking clue.
Just ask her direct.
Shouldn't need to.
I'm a really good shag, me.
Max, tell her.
I'm an open-minded girl but talking to your sister about the ins and outs of shagging you is a bit creepy.
Even for me.
ROOM QUIETENS Pint and a Pampers, Frank? Oh, ha ha, very fucking droll Just answer your calling and pull us a pint.
That was my grandmother's funeral this morning.
For fuck's sake! So That weren't deliberate.
But, I didn't! Fine.
Shit in a bush, gouge one stranger and suddenly everyone's judge, jury and fucking executioner.
You're getting it on your vest.
This is fucking humiliating! I look like a refugee out of a shit boy band! Your seduction techniques are crap.
I'm only ten.
Yeah, well you'll always be single if this is the best you can do.
What are you up to? Any better? Much.
Still gonna floor that pillock next time I see him.
You can't.
He's my dad.
Why didn't you say? Cos I didn't want to spoil things.
Thought you'd lie all day instead? I didn't lie.
You didn't tell the truth.
He got pissed at a funeral, it's not a crime.
Blackening my granny's reputation isn't in the best taste! It takes two.
He was only 15.
I can't believe you're defending him.
Against the likes of you? Always.
THUNDER RUMBLES It's a cold night, Frank.
Something tells us you're not socialising out here by choice.
"Not socialising out here by choice.
" What a day, eh? Lucky white heather.
Don't bother coming home tonight! You're an embarrassment! It wasn't my fault! No, Dad! It never is, never! Yet it always, always fucking happens! < I told you.
Try listening.
You can always spoon in wi' me.
I'll get a bed.
Very popular, I am.
Hello? Yvonne? 'So it were a scam.
' It weren't done to hurt ya.
We had to fake your dad's death to protect all of us.
We have to continue on just like before, Meena.
I'm going to bed.
I'll put the kettle on.
Just want some shelter.
Well, maybe a bit of heat.
It's like death in here.
I never doubted you for a minute.
It has to be clean.
And only when I say.
I don't want any of the kids there.
Don't under-estimate him.
> Once I walk out of here, there's no changing your mind.
He's done his worst.
It's my turn now.
And, Terry Not the face.
I want an open coffin.
DOOR OPENS What? Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.
It's beenwell, too long since my last confession.
And I have made a terrible decision.
A life-changing decision.
I know it's a sin and I am sorry but I've got no choice.
I'm going through with it, regardless of what you tell me today.
And I want the Lord to know, I do it with a heavy heart.
Are you with me, Father? Yes, I, I Continuemy child.
Have you got a cold? Allergy Altar wine.
I'm going to murder my husband.
< Well, not personally.
< I've arranged to have it done.
< I'll understand if you want me to leave.
No, go on.
I hope you've got a free hour.
TV IS ON What did you do? What? With Traceywhat's her fucking name? What did you do? Let's see if we can find out where you're going wrong.
Well First, we sort of Right, I had her like this For fuck's sake, it would help if you spoke the language.
Right, pretend I'm her.
Where should I be? Ermon your back, I suppose.
And where are you? Sort ofhere.
Doing what? You know, mouth and fingers and stuff.
How long? I wasn't timing it! I don't know, erm Until my tongue were sore.
Yeah, nothing wrong there.
Then what? Maybe a bit of Something like this.
Seems good.
PHONE RINGS Hello? He didn't come home then? What you did was wrong, really fucking wrong.
He's not as tough as he makes out.
I don't know how you do it, mate.
Honestly.
I'm full of admiration.
DOOR SLAMS Up with the lark.
I've got a lot on my mind.
Anything I can do to ease the burden? Not particularly.
This tension, this fucking atmosphere all the time between you two.
It's cancerous.
Your mother and I are working through our problems.
Isn't that right? Takes time, that's all.
What needs to be done will be done.
Good.
As long as you're prepared to work at it.
He doesn't even like her.
What's it to you? Nothing.
Don't want him making a dick of himself.
I mean, she ain't all that.
Just tell him you like him.
Oh, fu! What are you talking about? I know he's your brother, Debs, but I can't stop thinking about him.
Oh, shut up! I don't want to hear this! I know I said that we should just be mates butI was playing hard to get.
He was supposed to pick up on the signals.
You think you've got problems.
Hello? Earth calling planet fucking Hollyoaks.
I met a bloke, I slept with him before I even knew his name.
Why are you torturing me?! Called his granny a slapper and then walked out on him.
And I think I love him.
So have you tried listening? Listening?! I know things no person should ever know.
If I say, I'm fucked.
If I don't say, I'm fucked.
You have ruined my life.
It's not even lunchtime! Francis.
A word.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
Have you really fainted? No.
Then come and spend some time.
Mano-a-mano.
I don't know who I'm more worried about - you and your weird notions of what gay men like, or him, for listening to ya.
You're leaving again.
Yeah, Liam, I am.
I want to be happy and I'm not going to find it two doors away.
Why not? Cos we're not an endangered species.
We don't have to mate with the first gay bloke we see.
You don't have to go halfway across the world either.
It's exactly the same, just hotter.
Fine.
I'll be a lonely poof with a suntan.
So you admit it then? Admit what? That you're lonely.
I'll catch up with ya.
So, what? You striking out on your own? Maybe.
So long as I stump you the cash? I don't need you.
Is this what you'd like? Cos if it is, go ahead.
If you hate me that much.
I don't hate you.
I'd gladly do it, Chesney.
For you or Meena.
Because that's what it's like when you have kids.
You love them more than the air you fucking breathe.
Yeah, right.
Do you think this is the life I dreamt for myself? We had no choice.
Stop fucking hiding, Chesney! We were going to be on the street, no income.
Money, money, money.
Not fucking money! BLADE SCRAPES I love you, son.
KNIFE CLATTERS Chesney, please! What's with the Cheshire cat look, 24/7? Nothing, just wish it could always be like this.
Like what? Us three, having a laugh, getting on.
Why shouldn't it be? Cos real life gets in the way.
No reason why.
Business is good.
Come and work for me.
Spend every day together.
Why not?! You'd be brilliant.
Even better Marry me.
Joe! She should hear it.
It concerns her too.
So? Will you? I told 'em straight out.
Like, "Oi! Sort it out!" I think it's made a difference.
I dunno, Shane.
There's a lot of hurt.
They said they'd try.
Didn't they, Kel? Tell him.
Well, I wasn't exactly feeling the love in the room.
Pint? Yeah, please, mate.
Mickey.
Just come out, I saw ya.
What are you doing? Not getting humiliated any more.
And locking yourself in the toilet is the dignified response?! What was that shit all about last night? Yeah, go on! Laugh it up! I'm not laughing.
It was Liam's idea.
I hadn't thought about you ina long time.
You know, I've moved on.
But he talked me into it.
And I made a dick of myself.
You didn't make a dick Yes, I did! But it's all right.
It's a reminder.
Of what? To look after meself, first and last.
Mickey No, I'm cool.
Seriously.
Just go and do your own thing, Ian.
I won't lose any sleep.
I ain't got a fund yet.
Having second thoughts? You're a shit-stirring little bastard.
Something to say? No.
Hi.
Is Debbie in? Are you the new boyfriend? Erm, no Ernot exactly.
Debbie! Your new boyfriend's here! I was out of line.
I'm sorry.
I like you.
You're funny and spunky and loyal And beautiful.
I like being with you.
Is that it? More or less.
You hear all of that? Every word.
Good.
I admit it, I was legging it to the funeral for the free swallow.
I don't want to know about my children's love lives or my neighbour's insurance scam/death falsification.
It is not my place to be aware of marital struggles of dear, dear friends, whom I consider extended family.
I am weighed down by too much information, Paddy.
I have no fucking clue what you just said.
And why in God's name do you think it would interest me? You brought me here to You were gonna Becauseyou know I know.
Know what? Nothing.
Someone intends to do me harm.
I don't yet know who to trust, so your role here is a double-edged insurance policy.
On the one hand, you'll serve as a witness to what is said.
You're gonna try and talk him out of it? Hell, no.
I'm going to offer him twice the fee to shoot my wife.
DOOR BELL JANGLES My other role? You're my human shield, Francis.
Why, why, though? Paddy, why reveal all this information to me? I am unreliable, well known for letting down all and sundry Shut the fuck up, Frank.
No, Paddy, come on, Paddy, Paddy.
You can't do it.
You can't kill your wife.
Even if she's the harridan from hell.
She took a contract out on me.
Yeah, fair, fair point.
But, but, yeah and more fool her for getting one of your colleagues to do this deed.
You're flapping like a teenage girl.
Keep a low profile.
If it goes belly-up for me, give a statement.
If it goes in my favour I'll let you keep your legs in return for your silence.
Can we talk? Nothing to talk about.
I wanted to say I'm sorry.
What for? For always blanking you.
Not treating you with respect.
Yeah, well, cheers.
Enjoy France.
Ibiza's in Spain.
And I'm not going not yet, any road.
I'm not ready to leave yet.
How come? Don't push it.
Kettle only takes a minute to boil.
He's still there.
Three hours.
I don't care.
You've got a nice-looking fella, prepared to sit in a public thoroughfare, with no toilet break, just in the hope that you might talk to him.
You said you loved him this morning.
No, I didn't.
No, I said "maybe".
I might.
Meeting her for a drink.
Yeah, what do you want? A medal? Freaks.
Well? I'm not talking to him.
Look, treat 'em mean.
I'm going for a walk.
To the Jockey, by any chance? No.
Stood you up, has she? No.
Just a bit late, that's all.
You want to get your priorities right.
How so? You don't even care about this bird.
Some girl you'll likely never see again.
Should focus your energies on the future.
Which is? Twins! I didn't shag her, I shagged her! The sister I shagged the sister.
Where d'you get the chair? My house.
You got a car? I brought it on the bus.
So, you planned this? If you'd spoke to me, I wouldn't need it.
Then I'd just be an idiot who carried a chair across Manchester on a bus for no reason.
It's not cute, you know.
It could be seen as creepy.
You know, like a stalker.
So you just gonna sit there? Yep.
Why? Cos you kissed me.
And you don't strike me as the type of girl who just kisses anybody.
Suit yourself.
Look round.
Go on, look round.
Mimi Maguire! Catherine Mary Joy Maguire.
Get your big old arse out here.
So, here we are.
Did you think I wouldn't find out? What are you waiting for? I don't think so, Mimi.
See I've also compensated young Terrence here to take a pop at you.
Two for one, spring sale.
It's never too late to think again, you know.
My thoughts precisely.
It's none or both, Mimi.
What do you think? I fucking hate you.
I understand.
And I'm sorry.
I'm not too fond of myself neither.
That's why changes have to happen, whether you like them or not.
He did stray from the fold, Mimi, but it was never consummated.
I mean, what man doesn't window shop? How the fuck do you know that? Yes, how you know? Intuition, empathy.
What changes? Fundamental ones.
The kind that take a long time to negotiate.
Call it off, Terry.
You can go now, Terry.
We can deal with it.
It's gone too far, Paddy.
What are you talking about? > What, you don't think I do this for the profit margin, do you? I've made arrangements with certain parties about business opportunities here.
A lot of people are going to be very happy to see the back of you two.
It's not really my argument.
I'd just be cannon fodder.
Do not move a fucking muscle.
I've got a dicky tummy.
You can't half rabbit on, bitch.
Who the fuck are you? Debbie's new boyfriend.
No, he's not.
Yes, he is! You love him.
She is infatuated with Carl.
They have run two insurance scams now, over Kash's death, which they may actually have played a part in, willing or otherwise.
These two took out hits on each other because he had an ultimately unsuccessful dalliance with a psycho who turned him into a heroin addict.
And I don't ever want to talk to any of you again, about anything.
I have no desire to know.
Is that enough listening for ya? Tell me again about your relationship expertise, sweetheart.
'Information is a dangerous commodity.
' 'If it's misused and misunderstood, it can have real consequences.
' 'But information is only words.
' 'Actions speak louder.
' 'Much louder.
'
Come and watch pikeys making a mess of the lives they were given by 'im upstairs.
And kids they're convinced aren't actually theirs.
What sounds on earth could ever replace kids needing money or wives in your face? Cos this, people reckon, and me included, is why pubs and drugs were kindly invented.
To calm us all down, stop us going mental.
These are Chatsworth Estate's basic essentials.
We are worth every penny for grinding your axes.
You shit on our heads, but you pay the taxes.
Imagine a Britain without Chatsworth buccaneers who'd come on your face for the price of a beer.
Make poverty history, cheaper drugs now! Make poverty history cheaper drugs now! He, he, he! Scatter! Party! 'Age of Enlightenment.
'Age of Reason.
Age of Aquarius.
'It's always the age of something.
'We live in the Information Age.
'Internet, satellite, cable.
' Oh! You sure that's your most respectable gear? Me black tights are laddered.
Had to raid the laundry basket for these.
Max, you've got a bit of Fuck-me stockings.
And a bit of tit on display always brings a smile at a funeral.
'Quality information is at a premium, and those who have it 'want to hold on to it, because information is dangerous.
' Hey! You told me St Martin's.
Did I? I meant St Mark's.
You wrote it down.
Well, you'll only get pissed and embarrass us.
Who the fuck are you to censor where I go and don't go? Any chance you might be slightly overreacting, Mr G? I am the head of the house.
I should be told.
Told what? Everything.
Where, who, why, whenwhere! My role is to listen, advise, support.
People look to me.
Only to point and laugh.
You're only bothered cos the chance of a free drink flashed in front of your eyes.
To pay my respects.
I knew Theresa before you were even a teardrop in me trousers.
And as for the free drink, well, you know, every cloud STOMACH RUMBLES You all right? Indigestion.
That fucking curry Yvonne gave us last night, I had it on me chips.
Yvonne didn't do a curry last night.
What was that green stuff on the stove, then? Can't think.
'My patience is being sorely fucking tested.
' Good.
Morning.
Oh, my God.
You weren't Don't be ridiculous.
Did you get your undies from the washing basket? > Yes.
There's caustic soda in the crotch.
Piss off.
We open in five.
I need to get away anyway.
Morning.
Yeah.
We should at least try and be civil to one another.
I haven't kicked you out, have I? You look nice.
Hey, beautiful.
All set? Weeee! I don't see how come I can't go to this funeral.
Don't want to spoil your innocence by pointing out you're going to be worm food one day.
Besides, I need your help packing all this.
willing to pay for that.
Full set's worth a couple of hundred.
One geek selling crap to another.
Not exactly what the internet was invented for.
You calling me a geek? You looked in the mirror lately? What are you going to do with all the money? Add it to the pot.
Whatever I get for the house set me up.
> We've been over this, wee man.
There's nothing for me on the Chatsworth.
I was having a riot in Ibiza till Dannyhappened.
On behalf of all Theresa's family, I'd like to thank you all for coming, and drink your fill in her blessed memory.
Theresa.
Grub's good.
I've not eaten since breakfast.
The talent's not bad either.
You're mooching at a funeral? Where does all that go? I've got Johnny Vegas locked in me attic.
Must be fate.
I asked round my mates, but nobody knew who you were.
Thought I'd lost you.
Yet here I am.
Is it my turn to say something, or do you want me to fuck off? She was my grandmother, on my dad's side.
He shoots, he scores! She's coming round for a drink later.
It's weird, though, I get the feeling I know her from somewhere.
You do.
You shagged her about three months ago, after Abba night at the Jockey.
She didn't say 'owt.
Maybe she don't remember.
Nice of you to bring the family, Frank.
Her kids'll appreciate that.
Dragged 'em out of bed, Algie.
Least I could do.
Theresa was one of a kind.
I didn't know you were so close.
When I was 15, Theresa'd bepushing about 40, but she was still fit, you know? Breasts like Hindenburgs, pointing skywards.
Lush, heart-shaped arse.
She rode me raw, Algie.
She initiated me in the pearls of the flesh.
It was a two-way street, though.
Old Tommy, he wasn't, you know, Errol Flynn.
PA SYSTEM WHINES Sorry, Algie, is that me? It's the curry last night.
Testing, one, two Who the fuck is that idiot? How could she not remember? You didn't remember her.
Oh, come on! Fuck off! ^ I'm in dire fucking straits here! I know this might be a bit arse about tit, seeing as we've already spent the night together, but maybe I could take you for a drink some time? Are you asking me out at your gran's funeral? By all accounts, Gran was a bit of a goer.
I'm sure she'd approve.
Oh! COMMOTION Oh Ahhh Oh Well, I can hardly stop now! Argh! You're a poof.
I'm Your ring tone is Copacabana and you pluck your eyebrows.
That'sthat's just personal grooming.
You saw The Sound Of Music three times when it was in Manchester.
It'sit's a morality tale.
Did Carl tell ya? I used my own amazing powers of deduction.
You know that Ian is also a homosexual? Oh, I've seen his membership card.
I've got a proposition for ya.
Hey! Do you think I've gone too far The eyebrows? Some might say not far enough.
I've never seen you cook once since I met ya.
I can follow a recipe, I'm not a complete idiot.
Get 'em sat round a table, they'll have to talk.
What are you doing? Loss adjustor from the insurance comes tomorrow.
All me invoices have been rendered unreadable due to water damage so I have to estimate.
We don't sell electrical goods.
Of course we do, Stanley.
All my stock has been tragically decimated in this fire.
There's a skip down on Rayburn Common.
Go see what you can find.
Every piece of crap I drag in, I get a tenner.
What you doing? I need 30 quid.
Is that a problem? I'm scrounging through skips, doing this to my nails, and he can take what he wants? What do you want doing with these? Kick fuck out of 'em.
Mark 'em as reduced, put 'em with fire stock.
What was Debbie's quote? "The single most humiliating day of my life", and that's saying something, Frank.
I've had a dicky tummy, see, and Even when you genuinely try to do right, you still fuck it up, don't you? I'm cursed.
Like I was Glen Hoddle in a previous life or something.
Just listen sometimes.
I do! I'm not talking about the gaps in between what you want to say! I mean, really listen.
It's an undervalued skill.
I best go in, endure the wrath of Debbie.
Well, she's not there.
They're down the Jockey.
Yvonne's got the littl'un.
Despite your reasonable tone and helpful advice, I still fucking hate ya.
Of course.
Do you like it, then? Four hours that took.
It's a lovely surprise.
Thank you, son.
Did youfollow the recipe to the letter? No.
All proper good cooks, right, they stray from t'book a bit.
Said "add sugar", but you don't add sugar to hot food, do you? So you replaced it with? Mango chutney.
Like you get in curries and that.
Mango Bolognese.
Yeah.
Delicious.
LAUGHTER Pass the salt please, Mimi.
Certainly.
Oops.
Can we have the room, please? He means, get out.
This stops now.
Her name was Maureen.
Don't you fucking dare.
.
! I will not live like this.
If it's all out in the open, I've nothing left hanging over me.
I don't want to know.
Tough fucking titty! Maureen.
And I fell head over heels for her, like an imbecilic school-boy.
Don't ask why cos I don't know.
Something lacking at home, maybe.
A marriage long gone stagnant, certainly.
But I am not the betraying kind, Mimi.
Never have been, throughout our marriage.
This woman Shehad something.
And I fell.
Had something, did she? She was special, was she? You've crossed a line, Paddy.
You should've left it unsaid.
Fucking Irish fucking scum! With his sob story Deceitful fucking excuse for a man! A real man would stand by his family, stand by his wife! SMASHING Fuck.
WOMAN MOANS, MUSIC PLAYS He's got us over a barrel.
What are you doing? Your mum's in there.
Put it back on, and don't let the door hit your fat arse on the way out.
LAUGHTER If you value your bollocks, lads, I suggest you make an exit.
Now! You're a fucking crook and a liar.
And so's she.
Your mum and dad were trying to protect ya.
They were looking after the money.
Told us our dad was dead - cos it's always about the money.
That's not true.
What do you know? You're only here cos she's so desperate, she'll shag anything.
I'm sorry.
I'll do whatever I fucking like.
I'm sorry! We need to talk.
Light a match under me, you could deep fry haddock on my arms.
I've shared a room with him.
I think I know what his tastes are.
And they're stuck in 1983, are they? I'm fucking starving.
Does anyone fancy a? Sorry.
Needed the tape.
There's four rolls on the table.
Oh, yeah.
So there is.
Pizza.
I'm going for pizza.
No anchovies.
Make me gag.
Good day? Brilliant.
He was really wonderful with her.
And me.
But you know him in the biblical sense.
Any good? I don't remember.
Don't remember?! Well, not even She wouldn't know.
Never seen it.
Nothing happened.
Debbie was in no fit state to go home by herself.
And since her mate had fucked off, I slept on the floor.
You didn't even cop a feel while she were out of it? Max! If he didn't, that makes him weird.
Same again? Oh, yes.
Ta.
Tracey Parsons, psychology student.
Paints pottery on weekends.
All coming back to her, then? No, not a fucking clue.
Just ask her direct.
Shouldn't need to.
I'm a really good shag, me.
Max, tell her.
I'm an open-minded girl but talking to your sister about the ins and outs of shagging you is a bit creepy.
Even for me.
ROOM QUIETENS Pint and a Pampers, Frank? Oh, ha ha, very fucking droll Just answer your calling and pull us a pint.
That was my grandmother's funeral this morning.
For fuck's sake! So That weren't deliberate.
But, I didn't! Fine.
Shit in a bush, gouge one stranger and suddenly everyone's judge, jury and fucking executioner.
You're getting it on your vest.
This is fucking humiliating! I look like a refugee out of a shit boy band! Your seduction techniques are crap.
I'm only ten.
Yeah, well you'll always be single if this is the best you can do.
What are you up to? Any better? Much.
Still gonna floor that pillock next time I see him.
You can't.
He's my dad.
Why didn't you say? Cos I didn't want to spoil things.
Thought you'd lie all day instead? I didn't lie.
You didn't tell the truth.
He got pissed at a funeral, it's not a crime.
Blackening my granny's reputation isn't in the best taste! It takes two.
He was only 15.
I can't believe you're defending him.
Against the likes of you? Always.
THUNDER RUMBLES It's a cold night, Frank.
Something tells us you're not socialising out here by choice.
"Not socialising out here by choice.
" What a day, eh? Lucky white heather.
Don't bother coming home tonight! You're an embarrassment! It wasn't my fault! No, Dad! It never is, never! Yet it always, always fucking happens! < I told you.
Try listening.
You can always spoon in wi' me.
I'll get a bed.
Very popular, I am.
Hello? Yvonne? 'So it were a scam.
' It weren't done to hurt ya.
We had to fake your dad's death to protect all of us.
We have to continue on just like before, Meena.
I'm going to bed.
I'll put the kettle on.
Just want some shelter.
Well, maybe a bit of heat.
It's like death in here.
I never doubted you for a minute.
It has to be clean.
And only when I say.
I don't want any of the kids there.
Don't under-estimate him.
> Once I walk out of here, there's no changing your mind.
He's done his worst.
It's my turn now.
And, Terry Not the face.
I want an open coffin.
DOOR OPENS What? Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.
It's beenwell, too long since my last confession.
And I have made a terrible decision.
A life-changing decision.
I know it's a sin and I am sorry but I've got no choice.
I'm going through with it, regardless of what you tell me today.
And I want the Lord to know, I do it with a heavy heart.
Are you with me, Father? Yes, I, I Continuemy child.
Have you got a cold? Allergy Altar wine.
I'm going to murder my husband.
< Well, not personally.
< I've arranged to have it done.
< I'll understand if you want me to leave.
No, go on.
I hope you've got a free hour.
TV IS ON What did you do? What? With Traceywhat's her fucking name? What did you do? Let's see if we can find out where you're going wrong.
Well First, we sort of Right, I had her like this For fuck's sake, it would help if you spoke the language.
Right, pretend I'm her.
Where should I be? Ermon your back, I suppose.
And where are you? Sort ofhere.
Doing what? You know, mouth and fingers and stuff.
How long? I wasn't timing it! I don't know, erm Until my tongue were sore.
Yeah, nothing wrong there.
Then what? Maybe a bit of Something like this.
Seems good.
PHONE RINGS Hello? He didn't come home then? What you did was wrong, really fucking wrong.
He's not as tough as he makes out.
I don't know how you do it, mate.
Honestly.
I'm full of admiration.
DOOR SLAMS Up with the lark.
I've got a lot on my mind.
Anything I can do to ease the burden? Not particularly.
This tension, this fucking atmosphere all the time between you two.
It's cancerous.
Your mother and I are working through our problems.
Isn't that right? Takes time, that's all.
What needs to be done will be done.
Good.
As long as you're prepared to work at it.
He doesn't even like her.
What's it to you? Nothing.
Don't want him making a dick of himself.
I mean, she ain't all that.
Just tell him you like him.
Oh, fu! What are you talking about? I know he's your brother, Debs, but I can't stop thinking about him.
Oh, shut up! I don't want to hear this! I know I said that we should just be mates butI was playing hard to get.
He was supposed to pick up on the signals.
You think you've got problems.
Hello? Earth calling planet fucking Hollyoaks.
I met a bloke, I slept with him before I even knew his name.
Why are you torturing me?! Called his granny a slapper and then walked out on him.
And I think I love him.
So have you tried listening? Listening?! I know things no person should ever know.
If I say, I'm fucked.
If I don't say, I'm fucked.
You have ruined my life.
It's not even lunchtime! Francis.
A word.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
Have you really fainted? No.
Then come and spend some time.
Mano-a-mano.
I don't know who I'm more worried about - you and your weird notions of what gay men like, or him, for listening to ya.
You're leaving again.
Yeah, Liam, I am.
I want to be happy and I'm not going to find it two doors away.
Why not? Cos we're not an endangered species.
We don't have to mate with the first gay bloke we see.
You don't have to go halfway across the world either.
It's exactly the same, just hotter.
Fine.
I'll be a lonely poof with a suntan.
So you admit it then? Admit what? That you're lonely.
I'll catch up with ya.
So, what? You striking out on your own? Maybe.
So long as I stump you the cash? I don't need you.
Is this what you'd like? Cos if it is, go ahead.
If you hate me that much.
I don't hate you.
I'd gladly do it, Chesney.
For you or Meena.
Because that's what it's like when you have kids.
You love them more than the air you fucking breathe.
Yeah, right.
Do you think this is the life I dreamt for myself? We had no choice.
Stop fucking hiding, Chesney! We were going to be on the street, no income.
Money, money, money.
Not fucking money! BLADE SCRAPES I love you, son.
KNIFE CLATTERS Chesney, please! What's with the Cheshire cat look, 24/7? Nothing, just wish it could always be like this.
Like what? Us three, having a laugh, getting on.
Why shouldn't it be? Cos real life gets in the way.
No reason why.
Business is good.
Come and work for me.
Spend every day together.
Why not?! You'd be brilliant.
Even better Marry me.
Joe! She should hear it.
It concerns her too.
So? Will you? I told 'em straight out.
Like, "Oi! Sort it out!" I think it's made a difference.
I dunno, Shane.
There's a lot of hurt.
They said they'd try.
Didn't they, Kel? Tell him.
Well, I wasn't exactly feeling the love in the room.
Pint? Yeah, please, mate.
Mickey.
Just come out, I saw ya.
What are you doing? Not getting humiliated any more.
And locking yourself in the toilet is the dignified response?! What was that shit all about last night? Yeah, go on! Laugh it up! I'm not laughing.
It was Liam's idea.
I hadn't thought about you ina long time.
You know, I've moved on.
But he talked me into it.
And I made a dick of myself.
You didn't make a dick Yes, I did! But it's all right.
It's a reminder.
Of what? To look after meself, first and last.
Mickey No, I'm cool.
Seriously.
Just go and do your own thing, Ian.
I won't lose any sleep.
I ain't got a fund yet.
Having second thoughts? You're a shit-stirring little bastard.
Something to say? No.
Hi.
Is Debbie in? Are you the new boyfriend? Erm, no Ernot exactly.
Debbie! Your new boyfriend's here! I was out of line.
I'm sorry.
I like you.
You're funny and spunky and loyal And beautiful.
I like being with you.
Is that it? More or less.
You hear all of that? Every word.
Good.
I admit it, I was legging it to the funeral for the free swallow.
I don't want to know about my children's love lives or my neighbour's insurance scam/death falsification.
It is not my place to be aware of marital struggles of dear, dear friends, whom I consider extended family.
I am weighed down by too much information, Paddy.
I have no fucking clue what you just said.
And why in God's name do you think it would interest me? You brought me here to You were gonna Becauseyou know I know.
Know what? Nothing.
Someone intends to do me harm.
I don't yet know who to trust, so your role here is a double-edged insurance policy.
On the one hand, you'll serve as a witness to what is said.
You're gonna try and talk him out of it? Hell, no.
I'm going to offer him twice the fee to shoot my wife.
DOOR BELL JANGLES My other role? You're my human shield, Francis.
Why, why, though? Paddy, why reveal all this information to me? I am unreliable, well known for letting down all and sundry Shut the fuck up, Frank.
No, Paddy, come on, Paddy, Paddy.
You can't do it.
You can't kill your wife.
Even if she's the harridan from hell.
She took a contract out on me.
Yeah, fair, fair point.
But, but, yeah and more fool her for getting one of your colleagues to do this deed.
You're flapping like a teenage girl.
Keep a low profile.
If it goes belly-up for me, give a statement.
If it goes in my favour I'll let you keep your legs in return for your silence.
Can we talk? Nothing to talk about.
I wanted to say I'm sorry.
What for? For always blanking you.
Not treating you with respect.
Yeah, well, cheers.
Enjoy France.
Ibiza's in Spain.
And I'm not going not yet, any road.
I'm not ready to leave yet.
How come? Don't push it.
Kettle only takes a minute to boil.
He's still there.
Three hours.
I don't care.
You've got a nice-looking fella, prepared to sit in a public thoroughfare, with no toilet break, just in the hope that you might talk to him.
You said you loved him this morning.
No, I didn't.
No, I said "maybe".
I might.
Meeting her for a drink.
Yeah, what do you want? A medal? Freaks.
Well? I'm not talking to him.
Look, treat 'em mean.
I'm going for a walk.
To the Jockey, by any chance? No.
Stood you up, has she? No.
Just a bit late, that's all.
You want to get your priorities right.
How so? You don't even care about this bird.
Some girl you'll likely never see again.
Should focus your energies on the future.
Which is? Twins! I didn't shag her, I shagged her! The sister I shagged the sister.
Where d'you get the chair? My house.
You got a car? I brought it on the bus.
So, you planned this? If you'd spoke to me, I wouldn't need it.
Then I'd just be an idiot who carried a chair across Manchester on a bus for no reason.
It's not cute, you know.
It could be seen as creepy.
You know, like a stalker.
So you just gonna sit there? Yep.
Why? Cos you kissed me.
And you don't strike me as the type of girl who just kisses anybody.
Suit yourself.
Look round.
Go on, look round.
Mimi Maguire! Catherine Mary Joy Maguire.
Get your big old arse out here.
So, here we are.
Did you think I wouldn't find out? What are you waiting for? I don't think so, Mimi.
See I've also compensated young Terrence here to take a pop at you.
Two for one, spring sale.
It's never too late to think again, you know.
My thoughts precisely.
It's none or both, Mimi.
What do you think? I fucking hate you.
I understand.
And I'm sorry.
I'm not too fond of myself neither.
That's why changes have to happen, whether you like them or not.
He did stray from the fold, Mimi, but it was never consummated.
I mean, what man doesn't window shop? How the fuck do you know that? Yes, how you know? Intuition, empathy.
What changes? Fundamental ones.
The kind that take a long time to negotiate.
Call it off, Terry.
You can go now, Terry.
We can deal with it.
It's gone too far, Paddy.
What are you talking about? > What, you don't think I do this for the profit margin, do you? I've made arrangements with certain parties about business opportunities here.
A lot of people are going to be very happy to see the back of you two.
It's not really my argument.
I'd just be cannon fodder.
Do not move a fucking muscle.
I've got a dicky tummy.
You can't half rabbit on, bitch.
Who the fuck are you? Debbie's new boyfriend.
No, he's not.
Yes, he is! You love him.
She is infatuated with Carl.
They have run two insurance scams now, over Kash's death, which they may actually have played a part in, willing or otherwise.
These two took out hits on each other because he had an ultimately unsuccessful dalliance with a psycho who turned him into a heroin addict.
And I don't ever want to talk to any of you again, about anything.
I have no desire to know.
Is that enough listening for ya? Tell me again about your relationship expertise, sweetheart.
'Information is a dangerous commodity.
' 'If it's misused and misunderstood, it can have real consequences.
' 'But information is only words.
' 'Actions speak louder.
' 'Much louder.
'