Spin City s06e15 Episode Script

It was nice meeting you.
Thanks for keeping me company while I was waiting.
Well, hey, I'm the deputy mayor, you're a taxpayer.
It's my job to make sure you have everything you need.
Actually, I don't pay taxes here.
I'm from Kansas.
Even better a tourist.
It's also my job to make sure our guests have a pleasurable stay in the city.
The revenue generated by tourism is do you want my phone number? That would be great.
Look, it's your first time in the city.
Maybe we could go to dinner or see a play or We could do that.
I've got to go.
Call me.
I just met the coolest gal.
We spent 20 minutes together.
She is so into me.
You have such a big head.
What makes you think she likes you? Wow.
I think she spelled it wrong.
I'm going to call her now and ask her out.
You were just with her.
Why didn't you do it then? Didn't want to seem desperate.
Charlie, Caitlin, I want you to meet my niece Stephanie.
You're the mayor's niece? Have you met? [CELLULAR PHONE RINGS.]
No.
Hello? Who is this? [WHISPERS.]
Wrong number.
I can't believe she didn't tell me she was the mayor's niece.
Well, you better keep away from her.
The mayor is very protective.
Ladies and gentleman, your attention.
After months of waiting, my 3/4-length leather designer coat has finally arrived.
Of course I'm going to keep away from her.
You think 'cause she's a young hot attractive babe, I can't be trusted? I-I'm sorry.
Did you expect an answer to that? Hey, hey, this coat cost $1,200.
I was on an 8-month waiting list.
Seems like a waste of time and money for a piece of clothing.
That is a fabulous jacket.
I'm Eric.
Oh.
Carter.
This is why you're stuck sleeping with women.
Hey, guys, guess what.
I'm going to be on that TV show "blind date.
" Isn't "blind date" that show where they find a sexy girl and film her on a date with some desperate guy who makes a complete fool of himself? Yes, it is.
Why would you do that, Paul? I might meet somebody special, and even if I don't, going on television is a great way to advertise the merchandise.
Oh, Charlie, Carter and I are going to Philadelphia for tonight's mayor's conference, and I'm not taking the limo.
I'm driving myself.
Great idea, sir.
So you can show those other pampered mayors that you're a no-frills down-to-earth man of the people.
That, and I want to show off my brand-new corvette.
Look, I have a big favor to ask of you.
I need someone to stop by the mansion tonight and check in on my niece Stephanie.
It's her first night in the city, and I guess I'm being overprotective.
I have no plans, sir.
I'm sorry to hear that.
Caitlin, can you do this for me? No problem.
No drinking, no parties, no guys.
I've got it under control, sir.
Thank you.
So, Charlie what's that on your hand? Uh, it's my lunch order.
Oh, sounds good.
I'll have that, too.
Hey, Charlie.
Come here.
Yeah, Paul, what's up? The crew from "blind date" is here.
We're about to film the part where I meet the girl.
I'm a little nervous.
Shouldn't you be nervous telling your boss you're filming a TV show in city hall during work hours? No, I'm fine with that.
I'm just I'm worried about the date.
Can you give me any advice? Keep your cards close to the vest.
Don't appear too eager.
Don't appear too eager.
Okay, okay, yeah, thanks, buddy.
MAN: Action.
Hi.
I'm Ashley.
You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen in my entire life.
Brand-new corvette coupe.
$46,000.
It's a beautiful car, sir.
You should get one.
Maybe I will In nine years, after I finish paying off this jacket.
[STARTS ENGINE.]
Uh, careful, sir, there's some construction ahead of us.
Oh, I gotcha.
I'll back up.
Reverse is over [GRINDING.]
Down And up.
[GRINDING.]
There we go.
Don't worry, Carol.
I'll still make the movie.
It's just that I promised the mayor I'd check up on his niece.
Yeah, she's this young girl visiting from Kansas, and so we'll just eat some ice cream, do a little girl talk, I'll be out of there in 20 minutes.
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING.]
I'll call you back.
Thanks for coming.
I really appreciate it.
No problem.
All right, everyone, listen up.
The party's over.
You put down that drink.
You get off of that girl.
You stop pumping that keg.
You're getting too much foam.
What are you doing? I just met these people at a bar.
I invited them here to have a good time.
Your Uncle would be disappointed if he knew you're having a party.
You're right.
I've been a bad girl.
Do you like bad girls? Your turn.
Stephanie, this is the home of the mayor of New York.
You can't bring people over here just to impress them.
Anyway, it's not much But I call it home.
We've been trapped here for nearly three hours.
Good God, we're going to suffocate down here! Carter, Carter, Carter, we've got plenty of air.
What we should worry about is a gas leak.
You know, if we ruptured a pipe, the smallest spark could trigger an enormous explosion.
We're going to die.
This morning, all I could think about was this coat.
Now it all seems so meaningless.
God, forgive me for being so superficial.
If you get me out of here, I promise to stop being so materialistic Carter! Are you making a pact with God? Yes, I am.
I want a piece of that action.
Dear God hey, hey, I'm mid-pact here.
Let me finish.
And I promise I'll give away all my top-name designer clothes and live more humbly.
Amen.
God, if you get me out of here alive, I will make it my goal MAN: Hang tight, guys! We'll have you out of there in a minute.
Oh! Ha ha ha ha! Whew, that was a close one! Ha ha ha ha! So, what is this jacket, a 46-long? These half-full beer cans are making me sick.
I know.
What's wrong with these kids? In my day, you opened a beer, you finished it.
Where's Stephanie? She wasn't feeling well.
She went to the bedroom to lie down.
STEPHANIE: Charlie, I don't feel good.
Can you bring me a glass of water? Yeah.
Stephanie? [GIGGLES.]
I knew that would work.
I can't believe I fell for the old "pretend to be sick, put on a sexy robe, and try to have sex with Charlie" trick.
Why have you been avoiding me? Among other things, your Uncle is my boss.
Why didn't you tell me? Because I knew it would scare you off.
I thought that enticing you with my body was the best way to get your attention.
Well, obviously, you've done your homework.
Stephanie, I'm sorry.
But this is never going to happen.
I guess I did get a little carried away.
I've just never met a guy like you.
But if you feel that strongly, I won't have sex with you.
I win, yet the victory seems so hollow.
The mayor's home.
I got to get rid of these beer cans.
What the hell is going on in here? Nothing.
MAYOR: Are you in the bedroom? Oh, my God.
Hide in the bathroom.
Wait, there's no reason to panic.
When the mayor comes in, all he'll see is candles, champagne, his niece in a robe, me Hide! Stephanie? Charlie, what are you doing in my bedroom? You've been away on a long business trip.
I thought I'd lay out some candles And rose petals.
Where's Stephanie? [BEER CAN CLANKS.]
Who's in there? I can't believe this, Charlie! You're in here with my niece! No, I can explain this.
He's with me.
I can't believe I actually lied to the mayor.
This kind of thing never happened to me before I met you.
Hey, I only went over there to help you out, and I didn't do anything wrong.
You think because I've screwed up in the past over and over and over that I'm just going to automatically accept the blame? I was hoping.
This is crazy.
Maybe I should tell the mayor the truth.
Why wouldn't he believe it? Charlie, I was there.
I saw you not have sex with Stephanie, andstill have my doubts.
Let's just stay with the story.
We're a couple, lovey-dovey In a couple of weeks, I'll break up with you.
Fine, but I'm breaking up with you.
Except there's one thing.
I'm a terrible liar.
The mayor thinks that we slept together.
How am I going to make that believable? Are you familiar with method acting? [SIGHS.]
I am serious.
I've never been able to be dishonest to people I'm close with.
I've been thinking about last night, a few things don't line up for me.
I want you to come to my office this afternoon.
That that will be a little tough for me.
I'm booked solid.
No, you're not.
You're right.
I'm completely free.
It's hard to see how this could go well.
Carter, what is with that suit? What, it's not so bad.
Charlie, what do you think? I think that somewhere there's a guy teaching driver's ed.
Naked.
The days of the self-indulgent, style-obsessed Carter Heywood are over.
I have straightened out my priorities.
This entire outfit cost a very reasonable $35.
Carter, this isn't you.
Oh, but you're wrong.
My new wardrobe makes my life so much easier.
This morning, there were no seats on the subway.
I just sat on the floor.
Carter, this is ridiculous.
Look, you have a big stain here.
This is not a stain.
I think your suit is leaking.
How are you, Caitlin? My, aren't we looking lovely this morning? I take it the blind date went well.
Yes, it did.
All that's left is the final interview, where they ask me if I want to take out Ashley again.
What are you going to say? I'm going to say yes.
The old Paul would have overthought the thing.
Now I'm just going to go with it.
That's great.
Hopefully, she'll want to go out again.
What do you mean "hopefully"? I mean, I hope she'll feel the same way you do.
Oh, my God.
What if I said yes to a date, and she says no just to make a fool out of me? What if Ashley was pretending to have a good time when she was just setting me up to humiliate me on television? I'm sure she wouldn't do that.
Don't you defend her.
You women, you're all alike.
I'll bet I'll bet you and Ashley are in cahoots! We are not! Cahoots! All right, let's cut to the chase.
I find your story from the other night to be a bit spurious.
Yes.
Spurious.
Now, you say you came to the mansion to check up on Stephanie, and she was asleep in her room.
That's correct.
I say that.
But how did the two of you end up in my bedroom? Well, I went there to work on the fall budget, but it didn't take long before Caitlin got that look in her eye.
I'm partly to blame, because I was wearing a pair of levi's that were fresh out of the dryer.
I don't want to put words in your mouth, but Exactly how excited were you by my jeans? Unfortunately, once we got past the jeans, excitement turned to awkward disappointment.
But I don't want to put words in your mouth.
Exactly how disappointing were you? That that's okay.
I'm satisfied.
That makes one of us.
Uh, so the next question that's it.
I can't take this anymore.
The truth is, I came to the mansion, Stephanie was having a party, and wait.
A party? That's it, a party? I thought you were covering because Charlie and Stephanie were, you know, mixed up together.
You thought that? That is so funny! Ha ha ha ha! [FAKE LAUGHING.]
Wrap it up.
Okay.
So that's why you made up this fekokteh story about you two sleeping together, so that you could protect Stephanie.
So that's the truth Caitlin.
Yes.
That's the truth.
I did it! All these years, I couldn't lie to people I cared about.
Oh, it's so freeing! Oh, hey, Carter.
You know, that suit is really growing on me.
Ha ha.
Really? Thanks.
I'm lying.
It's hideous.
By the way, I want to apologize for slamming you before.
The fact is, you really do look great in those jeans.
Well, thanks.
I am on fire! Ha ha! Oh, I'm sorry.
Come on, cheer up.
We got away with it.
I really appreciate you helping me out, but I can't leave it like this.
I'm not the guy he thinks I am, and he needs to know that.
Paul, I caught your press conference.
It was riveting.
Thanks, Caitlin.
[GROANS.]
Hey, Eric.
Hey hey.
I hate this jacket.
This jacket I hate it, I hate it, I hate it! I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.
Whoa, whoa, Carter.
I've been there.
You might save a few bucks, but in the long run, you're going to wish you took it to a tailor.
Paul, I can't live like this.
I need to be well-dressed.
That's who I am.
So get your clothes back.
[SIGHS.]
It's not that easy.
I made a pact with God.
If I renege on that, what kind of person does that make me? You spend every waking hour helping people.
Who was it who convinced the mayor to give the extra funds to the children's center? Who plays chess every Saturday down at the retirement home? Who painted my entire apartment for free? Free? You told me you were going to introduce me to Bette midler.
Right.
I know her.
Look, Carter, I may not know a lot about religion, but I know the kind of guy you are, and I don't think God is going to mind if you wear some nice clothes.
You know, thanks, Paul.
Come on, Carter, let me buy you a cup of hot chocolate, huh? So you're telling me, you were in my bedroom with my niece, and nothing happened.
Come on, Charlie.
I know when you're hiding something.
It's like when you called in sick that Monday after new year's Eve.
I was here, sir.
You called in sick.
I was lying.
I had to get that off my chest.
If this were about anything else, I wouldn't doubt you for a second, but given your past with women I've been working here for two years.
Have I given you a reason to mistrust me? No.
But, come on, are you telling me that you weren't attracted to my niece? I was, but I didn't act on it because I would never betray you, not for a woman, not for anything.
So basically, I'm more important to you than women? I'd rather not think of it that way, but But, yes.
Now, let me get this straight if Tyra banks were my sister, you wouldn't want to sleep with her? No.
Okay.
You're at a beach with Penelope Cruz, Cameron Diaz, and Julia Roberts don't push it.
Okay.
Hi again, everybody, I'm Roger lodge, and welcome to "blind date.
" Come on, everyone, Paul's "blind date" is on.
Today's first date is between Paul who works as a press secretary in New York City and Ashley, an aspiring model/actress.
Now, Paul collects stamps, Ashley is just hot.
Hey, hey! So let's see how these two make out.
Have another one.
It's on me.
This is going to be fun.
Hot tubs are sexy.
Well, yeah, I mean, you know, if you can get past the fact that you're marinating in a cesspool of germs.
Come on, get in.
Is that a tattoo? Yeah, I put on a temporary one.
I thought it would make me look tough.
A unicorn? Were they out of snuggles the fabric softener bear? So let's take a look at what Paul had to say about Ashley.
I had a great time with Ashley.
I would love to see her again.
Wait, uh, I would not like to see her again.
Uh, I would.
I don't.
Um, okay, I can't decide.
Um Okay, okay, okay.
I would not like to see her again.
Paul, why'd you say that? Preemptive strike.
This way, when she comes out and says she doesn't like me, I don't look like an idiot.
I think that ship sailed at the hot dog stand.
Now let's see what Ashley thought.
Paul was he was a little weird, but I would definitely like to go out on another date with him, you know, to to get to know him better.
If you know what I mean.
She liked me.
And I rejected her.
I'm a stupid, stupid man.
This time on national television.
My name is Paul lassiter.
I'm the press secretary for the mayor of the city of New York.
I'm Ashley, and I'm a model/actress.
I like girls who, uh, you know, make a dot with a little zero.
I looked like a fool.
You came across really well.
In fact oh, even I can't pull this off.
[MAN.]
Sit, ubu, sit.
Good dog.
[BARKING.]
Moo.