American Dad s06e16 Episode Script

Good morning, USA! I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shining a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say Good Good morning, USA Aah! Good morning, USA! Nice use of letter E, Barry.
I like that.
Snot! Get your head in the game! This is how we lose men; good men! Sorry, Steve.
She's just so beautiful.
Look at her.
Are you digging for my heart in there, tadpole? It's there.
That's where it resides.
Hey, you shouldn't be worrying about girls for another ten years.
You should be worrying about blocks and making pee-pee on the potty.
Girls, this guy's worried about! You're right, Steve.
You're always right.
Interesting how we've developed such a sophisticated hierarchy at this young age.
Shut up, Barry.
I'm at the bottom.
Snot! Focus! I can't take it anymore! He doesn't treat her right! Why isn't he grabbing her tush? Give it a rest, Snot.
We have to focus on what to do for our sixth annual Best Friends Excursion; Which some people have misinterpreted since we printed shirts that read: "Hardcore B.
F.
Weekend.
" Now, as you know, every year we pool our leftover baby-sitting and allowance money and use it to take a trip together as best pals.
And every year, I come up with something awesome for us to do.
Like the time we went to Dennis Quaid's house.
Do you boys have any water? Cause I got some pills I'd like to get put in me.
Get out of here, Randy! You get out of here now! Get! That was a great trip.
Expired.
Expired.
Expired.
Should we just have a baby? I guess.
I am here for the fair Hayley! Oh, God.
Hayley, I love you! Oh, God.
And I'm not leaving until you say you love me back.
No.
I don't love you, okay? I'm married.
Sometimes happily.
I thought you might say that.
But wait till you hear this! Aha! I hired a to play your favorite song, "Gangsta's Paradise" by Coolio.
Now what do you say? No.
I thought you might say that.
But feast your eyes on this! Aha-ha! Elephant.
Your favorite animal.
I rented it for you.
Say you love me! No.
I thought you might say that.
But wait until you see what's in the elephant's sack.
Aha-ha! Batteries! Your favorite thing on your favorite animal! No.
I thought you might say that.
But wait until you see this! Aha-ha! What do you say now, my love? Go away.
Snot, it's okay.
You tried, huh, big guy? No.
It's not okay.
It's never gonna be okay! If it makes you feel any better, I'm pretty sure she has the herps.
Yeah, she does.
Sam, you didn't turn Larry Tate into a horse did you? Well How great is Bewitched? I wish we lived in the '60s.
Men wore suits and drank martinis all day long.
Francine, starting tomorrow, I want you to greet me at the door with a martini when I get home from work.
Stan, martinis are pretty strong, and you're not much of a drinker.
What?! Just last week at Sanders' barbecue, I poured a whole amber lager down my mighty throat in just under two hours.
All right.
I guess it does sound kind of fun.
Oh! I Dream of Jeannie is on next.
Know what else sounds fun? You start wearing see-through pants and living in a bottle.
The CIA has a great shrink ray.
I'd carry tiny you around and feed you grains of rice.
Come on, do it.
Snot, just pick up.
I'm sorry Hayley rejected you, but look at it this way: Now that you've spent all your bar mitzvah money trying to get her, you don't have to worry about your mom stealing it out of your account anymore.
I am stressing out, Steve! My company just announced they're no longer matching our 401Ks.
My doctor gave me a promotional stress ball, as if fidgeting with some dumb ball will take the weight of the world off my shoulders.
Actually, it's helping a lot.
Whatever, Roger.
Snot just got his heart broken, and I have to cheer him up.
Hey actually, maybe you could help! You know, uh, put-put together a teenage girl disguise.
Laugh at his jokes, smile, twirl your hair a little.
Build his confidence.
No, no.
I can't just switch personas like that.
See, sometimes certain characters just grab ahold of you, and, brother, they set up shop in the depths of your soul.
You get to go to Forever 21.
Cigarette jeans! You gonna play that game or just lean on it? Name's Jenny.
Jenny Fr mdabloc.
I'm Steve's cousin visiting from Jersey.
Yes! Y-Yes, she is.
I-I didn't mention it because No one's doing the math.
Your hair, it's curly.
You should see it when I wash it on Tuesdays.
You're funny.
Come on, boys.
Let's give these two a little space.
So buy me a soda pop? I've only got enough money for one Coke.
Oh, that's so sweet.
We'll share.
Or I'll just have it.
So, basically, we all eat seven spiders a year in our sleep.
Snot? Are you okay? I almost didn't make it to school.
Oh, no, Jenny.
What did she do? Oh, Steve! We went to Taco King, and then we rode the Ferris wheel, then we went to the beach and stayed up all night talking about our hopes and dreams.
Then I (bleeped) her! I finally did it, man.
I'm not a virgin anymore.
You slut! I have to say, it was super relaxing being an innocent young girl for a change.
Innocent?! You did it with Snot on the beach! Yeah, I did.
Got sand all up in my Jenny dress, not to mention my gopher hole.
Oop, I mentioned it.
You're an alien! How is that even physically possible?! Well, you see, Steve, just because I don't have your traditional human genitalia Nah no! My ears! I'm sorry I ever asked you for this favor.
I should've known you'd take it too far.
Yeah, you should've.
You've known me for years, Steve.
So, you know, once you've been intimate with a lady, you start to see it everywhere.
Like in the sideways mouth of a bearded man Ohhh Hey, guys, so I had a few pitches for our annual friends excursion.
I was thinking And boobies! You know how desk lamps have those little nubs at the top? If you turn that, you can have more light to see the boobies.
Oh, Steve.
You're home.
I made bologna roll-ups for Snot and your cousin? Mm, cousin.
Cousin.
You can have these, Steve.
We have roll-ups of our own.
Mmm Yuck! Oh, hello, Hayley.
I'm here visiting my girlfriend.
Ew.
She's jealous.
You're so classy.
Mmm Um, what is going on here, Jenny? I'll tell you what's going I like Snot.
He's cute and he's funny and he treats me nice.
Reminds me of a young Paul Reiser.
He is nothing like a young Paul Reiser.
He's Rob Morrow, on his best day.
Listen, Jenny, I should probably get home anyway.
No don't go.
Mm I don't want to go.
Then stay.
I wish I could stay forever.
Promise me you'll visit my dreams tonight.
Oh, come on! Honey, I'm home! Hi, dear.
Martini? Perfect.
Just like Darrin and Sam.
So elegant.
Cheers darling.
Stan, get in the car! Hada baga! Hada ba-gaga! Clearly you can't handle your gin! Now get in, damn it! Vault! You see that, Harold? That man tried to put his package into that mailbox.
Maybe he thought it was a female box.
A fe a female box Oy.
It's been nine years since Judy died.
It's sort of weird, huh, hanging out at your house, Snot? I mean, we-we usually hang out at my place.
Yeah.
Stuff happens at other people's houses, too, Steve.
Don't go in there, huh? What are we watching? Well, Jenny, I think you're watching us decide what we're gonna do for our friends excursion.
Okay, ready? You know how Baskin-Robbins has 31 flavors? We try every single flavor In one day.
Huh? Hmm I was thinking we'd go to Wild West Land.
Yeah! Yeah! And remember, boys, there will be girls aplenty at Wild West Land.
Take it from someone who's getting sniz on the reg.
Come on.
31 Flavors is a much better idea than Wild West Land.
Hey, whatcha thinkin'? I don't want to tell in front of these guys.
You want to tell me over there? Yeah.
Okay, let's go.
Okay.
Hey, what are we supposed to do? Well, I guess we could Not you, virgin! Do you know what time it is? Nope.
We were having sex in the park, and I totally lost track.
I must have been making weird noises 'cause a bunch of cats wouldn't leave us alone.
Had to throw a couple cats.
Roger, you have to stop this.
I see.
I know what's really going on here.
You can't stand the fact that Snot's cool now, and you're no longer king of the nerds! That's ridiculous! I mean sure there's been an established hierarchy, but What wh-what is that? Oh, this? My stress ball.
But there's a crack in it.
Uh-huh.
Oh, my God, that's how you and Snot have been Relieving stress.
Because this is a stress ball.
And trust me, Snot's been relieving a lot of stress into this thing.
Good night! They went to Wild West Land without me? Hey, Steve, I'm just telling a few people, I'm making belt buckles now if you want to buy one.
Check it out.
He's got red eyes from smoking weed.
I really can't believe you're an educator, Brian.
My job's mostly administrative.
Traitors! Last I checked, friends excursions included all of the friends.
How could you come here without me? Because you hate Jenny, and you're jealous that I'm getting sniz on the reg.
Stop saying that! Sorry, Steve.
Snot's cooler.
Okay, okay.
Hey, Snot, heads up.
What's this? A stress ball.
Feel familiar? This is what Jenny was using to fake sex with you.
What?! She didn't do it with you for real.
You're still a virgin! Ohhh Jenny, how could you? I'm sorry! You made a fool out of me! I never want to see you again.
I need this now more than ever for its intended purpose! "Sons of Tucson, new on Fox"? When was this on? I watch Fox; I never saw this.
Please.
Fine! Just go.
Just-just ruin two lives and go! Roger, I didn't ruin your life.
Jenny's not even real.
But our love was! Snot loved Jenny and Jenny loved Snot.
Ew.
So, guys, let's hit What do you say, Snot? I'm thinking of moving to Cheyenne to live with my uncle Pat.
Look, I know you're upset, but you had to know the truth.
Trust me, it's best for the group.
You're right, Steve.
You're always right.
Again, just want to mention I'm selling belt buckles I made.
I also got a line of retro ones.
Yep, that was the time.
That was the music of the time.
The drug of the time? "Kyo-kyaine.
" Hey, where's my martini? You're not getting one.
You can't handle your alcohol.
Of course, I can.
Yesterday I just had to get the kinks worked out.
Tonight I'm ready to live like a gentleman of the '60s.
Now, martini me, sweetheart.
I tell you I was in the best shape of my life.
I was closer to God than I've ever been, and I was flush with cash.
Stan, I really don't want to talk about the fifth grade anymore.
Fine.
How, how did you? How did you do that? Do what? You passed out, and I went and got you water.
I barely blinked! And things then all changed like on Bewitched.
Where did you get that broom? Did you ride that broom into the living room because you're a witch?! I'm married to a witch! It's time you knew the truth.
Your father won't be joining us for dinner.
I'm sorry our horse-for-two costume freaked him out, Mrs.
S.
Just bad timing, Jeff.
It's a sex thing.
I know, Jeff.
Hey, Roger.
Snot made me this.
He made it out of his Spanish worksheet.
You really liked him, didn't you? I did, I did.
He was just really sweet.
Roger, I'm sorry.
I guess I did want to be king of the nerds.
But I'd rather have Snot happy than be king of anything.
I want Snot happy, too, Steve.
But it's too late now.
Snot won't take me back after you revealed Jenny was faking it with him.
True, but I think I just found a way for you to make him feel like a man again.
Ooh, how about you fill me in over a couple of beers? Great, right? I had two party balls implanted in my chest.
One light beer, one regular.
Comin' at ya! Ahh! Stop it! Squirt.
No! Hey, stop it! Squirt.
Quit it! Squirt, squirt.
Aah! Squirt, squirt.
Quit it! It's no good, Steve.
Nothing's gonna cheer me up.
You gonna use that street lamp or just lean on it? You! Snot, please hear me out.
Yes, I tricked you with a stress ball, and it was a rotten thing to do.
Extra rotten, if you ask me! I know.
But I did it because I was saving myself for someone I loved.
And I've realized that that someone is you.
I want to do it for real tonight.
What do you say? Make love to me again? For the first time? Come here, you! Wow, Snot, you're the man again.
Until tonight, my love.
Noooo! She loved you, man.
She loved you and you were about to have sex with her.
That's closer than any of us have ever gotten.
Yeah.
Yeah, it is, isn't it? So, Steve, what should we do now? What do you feel like doing, big guy? Maybe we should go to 31 Flavors.
That sounds great.
You know, things aren't so bad.
I've got good friends, and I realized I can get over the death of a girlfriend really quickly.
What are you doing here? Come to pay respects to one of my best characters ever.
How'd you fake her death, anyway? Oh, that was easy.
Until tonight, my love.
I can move really, really fast.
Noooo! You sure can.
I can.
My underwear! Can I have those back? No.
I already sold them to that guy.