Family Ties (1982) s06e16 Episode Script

(no voice) I bet we've been together for a million years And I bet we'll be together for a million more Oh, it's like I started breathing On the night we kissed And I can't remember what I ever did before What would we do, baby, without us? What would we do, baby, without us? And there ain't no nothing we can't love each other through What would we do, baby, without us? (chuckles) Who's that? Uh, that's Dad's mother's mother, our great-grandmother.
She had real flabby arms.
Yeah, they're a nice match with the legs.
There's a nice-looking guy.
Who's that? That's Vic Damone.
His picture came with the album.
JENNIFER: Mm.
Oh, look.
"Mr.
And Mrs.
Charles Donnelly announce the wedding "of their daughter Elyse Katherine to Steven Richard Keaton.
" Hey, Mom, look at your old wedding invitation.
Steven, can you believe it? (Steven groans) I guess he can't believe it.
Are you guys gonna have a party? Well, I'm working on it, but your father doesn't like to celebrate these things.
Of course I do.
I love to celebrate these things.
I just don't like big parties.
I happen to believe it's possible to have a celebration with, uh, fewer than a thousand people.
You used to like big gatherings.
Elyse, this is our anniversary, not the march on Washington.
ELYSE: You know, actually, you already agreed to have a party.
When did I agree? Last year.
Don't you remember? Just the two of us had dinner together.
Course I remember.
It was very romantic.
Well, this year, instead of romance, let's have fun.
You know what I mean.
Let's face it, Dad, she wants a big party.
Well, it's our 20th; it's a big day.
I-I just feel there are a lot of people that I would like to share that with.
Okay, Elyse, if you insist on having a party, I won't stand in your way.
Sounds like a go to me.
This is so exciting.
You're going to love it, Steven.
Where-where will we have the party? Anyplace you want is okay with me.
You decide.
I am thoroughly amenable.
Uh, maybe we could get the banquet room at Guido's.
Not Guido's.
What's the matter with Guido's? N-nothing, no Guido's-Guido's is fine.
Okay, I'll keep it small and intimate, Steven, I promise.
What, just a few other couples? Well, now, if we're going to rent a room and hire a band, I think, I think A band?! Okay, okay, a band is fine.
I'll stay out of this.
It sounds like fun, Mom.
Do you want me to call Guido's and reserve the room? No, that's okay.
I already called them.
- (thunder rumbling) - Hi, Mom.
What's for dinner? You know, I thought we'd start out with some hors d'oeuvres rumaki, pigs in blankets, things like that and then chicken Florentine, zucchini, pastry, and coffee.
Well, I'll have everything except the coffee.
Let's eat.
Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
I was talking about the party.
Oh.
And what are we having tonight? Tonight we're having Captain Barnacle's take-out fish balls.
Again? Well, I hope they defrosted them this time.
- (thunder rumbling) - Oh, hello, everybody.
- MALLORY: You did! - I did not.
- I know you did, Alex.
- No, no, no.
You think you know I did, but I didn't.
Steven, where are the fish balls? I couldn't start the car.
I had to leave it at work.
I took the bus home.
I'm soaked to the skin.
I couldn't get the fish balls.
Oh, Steven.
You couldn't get the fish balls?! Let me run this by you again, Elyse.
I couldn't start the car.
Had to leave it at work.
Took the bus home.
I couldn't get the fish balls.
Say it with me, "I couldn't" - "I couldn't start" - MALLORY: Dad! Dad, Alex has been reading my diary.
I know because he's been using words and phrases that I use in it.
Look, that is not true.
Her-her accusations are totally bogus and grody to the max.
You see? He doesn't talk like that.
Look, I didn't read her diary, okay? I went into her room to look for a book.
Ha! What would a book be doing in my room? She's got me there for sure.
I really had my heart set on those fish balls.
So, Mom, what is for dinner? Well, we've got some frozen waffles.
Throw 'em in the toaster.
I'd love to throw 'em in the toaster, but the toaster is broken.
I have some gum in my room.
That should hold me over till breakfast.
Look, Steven, I-I've got to talk to you about the arrangements.
Now, now, Guido's is all set for the party.
Guido's? H Oh, okay.
Guido's, uh Guido's is fine.
Whatever you do will be fine.
Is it raining in here? Yes, it is! I thought we had that fixed.
- I did! I'll call the roofer.
- Thank you.
- Dad, you've got to talk to Alex.
- About what? About reading my diary.
Alex, read your sister's diary.
MALLORY: Dad! Look, I didn't read her stupid diary.
How would you know my diary's stupid if you hadn't read it? Mallory, I don't have to stick my hand in water to know it's wet.
Okay, now, guys, the roofer can be here Wednesday after 3:00.
Can anybody be here? - MALLORY: I'm busy.
- ALEX: Not me.
- STEVEN: I can't.
Oh! I'll try to be here.
Steven, I-I've got to talk to you about these arrangements.
Now, I've got the guest list here, and-and I That is the guest list? Why don't we use this guest list? Fewer people.
- I'll look through it.
- I bet you will.
Oh, this is gonna be a fun party.
I'm really looking forward to it.
Yeah, me, too.
Mallory, can you put something under this drip? You're a drip, Alex.
Why don't you sit in it?! All right, Mallory.
Bag your face.
- 20 years, huh? - Yeah.
It seems just like, uh BOTH: Fifty.
(thunder rumbling) Yes Y-Yes I see.
I understand you're very busy now, but uh, now is when our roof is leaking.
I'm sorry we never call you when it's sunny.
(sighs) Wh-When can you come? A month from Thursday.
Well, I-I appreciate your squeezing us in.
Thank you.
You're a saint.
Thank you.
Sorry I'm late.
I stayed at the office to put the guest list through the computer.
You forgot the roofer, Elyse.
Oh, no, I didn't.
He's invited.
I mean, you weren't home when he got here.
So what? So I forgot the roofer.
So what?! So what? Have you been in the kitchen lately? - No.
- No? Take a dinghy.
Steven, I had a hard day at work.
Please, let's not get into a fight.
Okay.
You're right.
Uh Sorry you had such a bad day.
Well, it really wasn't such a bad day.
I had lunch with Suzanne, and she and Ron are coming.
Oh, good.
At least some of my friends will be there.
Well, they can't get here till midnight, and they won't be able to stay very long.
I also ran into, uh, Bernie Packer.
Glad he's not invited.
Well - Elyse! - Well, Suzanne assumed he was invited and mentioned it, so I had to invite him.
He's a very sweet man.
He was very helpful to my mother a couple years ago.
In that case, why don't we take him in as a boarder? Elyse, the man is a buffoon.
He's not a buffoon.
He happens to have a very good sense of humor.
Oh, is he? He's really funny.
I especially like that noise he always makes.
What noise? (honks loudly) That noise.
I never noticed that noise.
How could you not notice (honking)? I am aware of the positive things about Bernie.
(honks) is the most positive thing about Bernie.
Look, I feel like we're having some problems here.
If you don't want Bernie to come to the party, he doesn't have to come to the party.
We don't even have to have a party! We are having the party.
I'm not gonna miss my 20th anniversary because of you.
You are having your 20th anniversary because of me! I-I'm having our 20th anniversary because of us.
There wouldn't be any us if it weren't for me.
Or me, so there.
(phone ringing) (angrily): Hello! (cheerfully): Bernie! Bernie Packer.
Great.
Say (honks) for me.
You're coming? Fabulous! Steven will be so happy.
Till then, Bern.
Bye.
Okay, Elyse, now all your friends are coming, including Bernie.
Happy? Never happier.
Oh, I've never been happier either.
I'm delirious with glee.
Bernie Packer is coming to our party.
How much delight could one man possibly stand? Will you stop putting down Bernie? - I am crazy about Bernie! - Well, you can just spend the whole evening with Bernie.
You can just dance with Bernie and (honks) Your brains out.
ALEX: Mallory! - What are you doing in my room? - MALLORY: What are you doing - in my room? Reading my diary? - ALEX: No, I was - STEVEN: Would you - ELYSE: Will you shut up?! I don't want any more yelling in this house! Happy anniversary! Many happy returns! Alex, will you get over here, please? We've got to talk about Mom and Dad's present.
Speaking of talking, Jennifer, did you know that Mallory is afraid to talk to Curt McMillan? Alex, the only way you would know that is if you read my diary.
That's not true.
He could've eavesdropped like I did ah Maybe this whole discussion is academic.
I mean, the way they've been fighting, they're probably gonna call the party off.
It is getting pretty rough.
Now they're fighting about anything.
ELYSE: This is my umbrella.
I don't know what you did with your stupid umbrella.
STEVEN: You're right! It is a stupid umbrella! - You bought it for me! - (thudding) Sounds like it's tapering off.
ELYSE: Better than that ridiculous rain hat - you bought me! - (thudding) Look, just on the off chance that they do make up, we have to get them a present.
Now, what do they need? They need a lawyer.
I hope they make up.
I don't want to end up at some home for waifs.
Now, come on, what should we get them? Let's get 'em a new set of tires.
Look, I've got a much better idea.
We'll get them, uh, matching sweater and slacks outfits.
It'll be great.
Uh, Mallory, we-we're shopping for our parents here, not Ken and Barbie.
Alex, do you have to shoot down every good idea I have? Mallory, the day you get a good idea, let me know.
I will! (imitating Mallory's tone): Okay.
Will you two stop fighting? We've got to work this out.
- (Jennifer shushes) - No, I disagree.
I think we have a lot to learn from Einstein.
Talking about the anniversary, hmm? Is there still gonna be one? Why wouldn't there be one? Been looking all over the house for this.
Look, there's no doubt in my mind they'll make up before the party tomorrow night.
But if they don't, I'm calling a family meeting.
This family meeting is hereby called to order.
Will the secretary please read the minutes of the last meeting? You are the secretary, Jennifer.
You're out of order.
I know, I'm the secretary, Mallory.
I'm just trying to be official here.
Jennifer, you were about to read the minutes of the last meeting will you get to it, please? I, for one, want to hear them.
You can't hear them.
I was going to get to that.
You see, I was reading them in the bathtub last night and well, the rest is history.
The Chair recognizes Mommy.
I would just like to point out that we're supposed to be at Guido's in 20 minutes.
If we do not proceed with this meeting, we'll all miss the party.
Suits me fine.
I have the floor you're out of order.
She's right, Dad, technically, you are out of order.
Now you're out of order, Alex.
How can I be out of order telling him he's out of order? You're out of order again.
Listen, the whole purpose of this meeting is for us to discuss all the fighting that's been going on.
- I'm tired of it.
- So am I.
Me, too Alex, I don't see why you and your sister can't get along better.
Pardon me for pointing it out, Mom, but you and Dad haven't exactly been Ozzie and Harriet.
Well, look, uh, kids, we don't need a meeting like this.
Your mother and I can settle our little differences ourselves.
Really? The two of you haven't slept in the same room for the past three nights.
I haven't been tired.
I don't like it when you guys fight.
It's scary.
Sounds like you don't like each other.
Honey, we don't mean to scare you.
So, now, you're ready to make up? Uh, well, um, I-I I think the first thing that needs to happen here, um, procedurally speaking, is for Alex and Mallory to end their fight.
How about it? I will make up with Alex if he promises never to read my diary again.
I didn't read it in the first place.
Prove it.
For one thing, Mallory, it has a lock on it.
How would you know? I, uh I've admired it from a distance.
I'll bet! Okay, look, I promise, all right? You have to promise to stay away from my records.
All right.
I'm sorry for all the names I called you.
Likewise.
Say, "I'm sorry.
" (quietly): I'm sorry.
Louder.
I'm sorry.
Louder.
Mallory! All right.
Very, very nice.
Uh, now, uh why don't the two of you shake hands and make up? That was very nice.
Well, guess that takes care of everything.
Not so fast! What about you and Dad making up? I'm willing, if he is.
I am.
I consider us made up.
How about a hug? A handshake? It was a stupid fight.
Very.
Oh, honey.
(Elyse sighs) We really should hurry.
I told Bernie Packer we'd give him a ride to the party.
Get him a mule.
Steven! Elyse, you know I don't like the man! But it's raining! What was I going to do, tell him to take a bus? No, no, he can ride in our car.
- I'll take the bus! - Fine! - Okay! - Ooh! - (thunder rumbling) - (Alex groans) This meeting is called because of rain! STEVEN: Aah! (soft, romantic jazz plays, crowd chatter) You dance divinely, my dear.
Likewise, I'm sure.
Don't you wish there were some boys here? No.
I'm very happy with you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Truly, we're blessed.
Whoa! Mom! Dad! (camera shutter clicks) Perfect! That's a keeper.
Congratulations! - Oh! - Oh! And my love to both of you on this day of days.
Oh, thank you, Chaim.
Thank you, Chaim.
I often say to Chaim, "Steven and Elyse due cuori che battono come uno.
" "They have two hearts that beat as one.
" Thank you, Akila.
CHAIM: I never heard you say that, Akila.
ALEX: Whoa! Guys! (camera shutter clicks) Perfect.
That's a keeper.
MAN: Brrr! (laughs) Guess who! That's a tough one.
Bernie Packer.
(laughs) How'd you know? Golly, Steven, how many years has it been now eight, nine? Hey, Guido's, huh? Nice place.
It's a lot like you, Steve luxury on a budget.
(Bernie laughs) So, what's for supper? Or, gee, was I supposed to bring a bag lunch? Brrr! Oh, there she is! There's the little bride! - (Bernie laughs) - Bernie, nice to see you! Aw, golly, golly, golly, this is just great, isn't it, guys? Tell you what.
You two lucky kids you're going to spend a week that's seven days and five nights (laughs) at my condo on Lake Erie! (laughs) - Uh, Bernie - Oh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh! It's just 'cause I love you, guy! Brrr! You know, Bernie, Steven doesn't like to let on, but he feels just the same way about you.
Once in a while, he gets this faraway look in his eye, and and I say, "Sweetie, what is it?" And he said, "Elyse, I miss Bernie Packer.
" (band plays fanfare) Okay, uh, got to be out there somewhere.
Where are they? Yes, there they are.
The anniversary couple and our hosts for the evening come on to the dance floor, Steve and Elyse the Keatons! Yay! (band plays upbeat tune, woman whoops) I'm surprised you wanted to dance with me.
I wasn't going to make a scene.
That's sweet.
(Elyse groans) "That's sweet.
" Do you know this last week, living with you has not exactly been a trip to the beach! Speaking of the beach, we now have one in our kitchen, thanks to you-know-who.
Yeah.
Oh! Now I'm responsible for the rain?! Well, you're certainly not responsible for the sunshine.
That's it, Steven! This dance is over! Good! Then get off my feet! Uh, excuse me.
Excuse me.
I hate to break up the festivities, but, uh, if I could have your attention, my, uh my sisters and I would like to make a toast.
they couldn't live without each other, and we're so glad they felt like that.
When Shari Scharfer dumped me for the captain of the football team Dad taught me how to throw a spiral, and, uh, Mom taught me how to tackle.
They took me ice skating and held me up when my ankles turned, and, uh Mom was seven months pregnant with Jennifer.
When nobody would buy my Girl Scout cookies, Mom and Dad bought them all.
They allowed the Young Republicans to meet at our house.
Though they probably wanted to, they didn't say anything when, uh, Johnny Holmstead took me out.
He has blue hair and an earring.
But, uh, most important of all, the way they respect each other, the way they're open to each other's feelings and needs has, uh has taught us the values by which we live our lives.
And we love them.
ALEX: Mom, Dad ALL THREE: Happy anniversary! - Speech! Speech, Steven! - Speech! Speech! Come on, Steven, say something.
- BERNIE: Speech! Speech, Elyse! - Speech! Speech! (applause continues) I'm embarrassed and proud at the same time.
Me, too.
(laughs) Uh - I - You I-I think we should tell you that Steven and I have been fighting all week.
Uh, we, uh we have been fighting about, uh, all kinds of things.
- Yeah.
- About, uh, uh, the roof leaking, uh Oh, yeah.
The About, uh, this party.
(Elyse laughs) About, uh Brrr! Brrr! About everything.
Thank you, Alex, Mallory and Jennifer for, uh for showing your mother and I how foolish we've been.
I think we just forgot how much we care about each other.
How much we need each other.
I'm sorry, Elyse.
I'm sorry, too, Steven.
I love you.
(whispers): I love you, too.
Happy anniversary.
Happy anniversary! - (Elyse laughs) - Happy anniversary.
Wait! Wait! No, it's not over.
Hit it, boys! (band plays intro) Oh, how we danced On the night (crowd joins in): We were wed We vowed our true love Though a word wasn't said.
(camera shutter clicks) MAN: Sit, Ubu, sit.
Good dog.
(Ubu barks)