M*A*S*H (MASH) s06e16 Episode Script

- [Hawkeye.]
Suction.
- Suction.
- How's the pressure? - You're okay, Colonel.
130 over 80.
[B.
J.
.]
Ready to close, 3.
0 silk.
[Charles.]
Get this man draped so I can get on with it.
[Hawkeye.]
This'd go a lot easier if I had a magic wand.
In lieu of your surgical shortcomings? Oh, he got you that time, Mandrake.
How can my head ever compete with his? Mine's all covered with hair.
- He got you that time, baldy.
- Would you boys use those scalpels on your patients? More suction.
Damn, Margaret! It's bleeding again.
Can't you hold that clamp any tighter? Cursing is not necessary.
I'm doing the best I can.
It's this damn instrument! I know.
I know.
Just stay in there.
If you can't stop that bleeding, this transplant won't work.
We might as well write off the leg.
- I'm ready when you need me.
- Thanks, Father.
What I really need is a clamp that's small enough to control an artery without crushing it.
- Well, don't we have one? - No.
This clamp is mainly for heart surgery.
It's just not designed for the smaller arteries of the leg.
- It's holding for now.
- Attagirl, Margaret.
- Why don't we get the right one? - It's not that easy, Padre.
The right one doesn't exist.
Sponge.
Some of the work we're doing on these kids hasn't even hit the textbooks yet.
Chalk it up to the insanity of war, Father.
Enemy advances bring medical advances.
If this war goes on long enough, we'll find a cure for everything.
- If there's anybody left to be cured.
- Progress.
The Korean conflict.
Dedicated to better health through suffering.
Doctor, this won't work.
I need both hands to hold this clamp.
All right, Father.
I can use your hands now.
Work suction.
- Right, Hawkeye.
- [Margaret.]
Take that.
- Thank you.
- Progress.
Two hours on that kid's leg, and I don't think I did a damn bit of good.
He'll probably lose it when he gets to Tokyo.
Tricky operation with the wrong instrument.
Don't punish yourself, Hawkeye.
How come the army can make a gun that'll level a village 30 miles away but they can't come up with a tiny surgical tool that'll help save a man's leg? Give 'em some time.
Could be no one's ever thought to ask.
- So let's ask.
- Ask? Why not beg? - Where do we go? - Well, official channels could take forever.
I remember when I applied for permission to get married.
By the time the papers came through, my son was divorced.
- Strike official channels.
- The guys who can come through are the Corps of Engineers.
We just tell 'em what we want they'll deliver.
They don't have to deliver.
We'll pick it up.
Tell me, Colonel.
How are these bridge builders going to forge such a delicate instrument Bulldozer? Winchester, those guys could build a sailboat from a pair of skivvies.
Well, what do we do? Call? Write? Send up smoke signals? What? You finish sprucing up.
I'll get 'em on the horn.
- Hey, we're inventors.
- More like dreamers.
- There's always one skeptic.
- Charles, have a little faith.
Where would we be today if Alexander Graham Bell hadn't invented the busy signal? If Joseph Cotten hadn't invented the cotton gin? You can go on in your usual sub-humorous way, gentlemen but no army engineer has the expertise to produce anything more than a glorified potato peeler.
You know, you have to admit.
He makes a lot of sense.
All the more reason to try.
All the more reason to try.
- Freeze! - What is it? - It's gone! - What's gone? My wedding ring, you idiot! It just disappeared! I went to put it on, and I couldn't because it was gone! - Margaret, calm down.
We'll help you look for it.
- Where'd you put it last? On the shelf above my clothes.
I always wrap it in tissue paper and put it there before I scrub.
Oh, Donald's still paying for that ring.
My God, the woman's raving.
All you're gonna find in there is old sweat.
He'll kill me! It was exquisite! Fourteen-karat gold with tiny stones all around it every other three a diamond chip! He must've searched five-and-dimes the world over to find that ring.
There was an inscription from Donald inside "Over hill, over dale, our love will never fail.
" When it comes to poetry, Donald's right up there with the pros.
- I've got to get it back! - Hey, is this how you guys keep your room? Klinger, have you seen my wedding band? It was in the nurses' changing room, wrapped with tissue paper.
- White tissue paper? - Yes.
Sitting on a shelf next to a coffee cup? Yes, yes, that's it! You found it! Thank God! Oh, bless you, Klinger.
I, uh I sort of threw it away.
Threw it away! Margaret, we'll go through the garbage.
We'll find it.
That'll be kind of tough.
The garbage truck just left.
Stop explaining and go catch the garbageman! Not a chance.
He's gotta be miles from here.
- Klinger! - I'll get a jeep.
Margaret.
Margaret.
He'll find it, believe me.
[Groaning, Grunts.]
- That put her mind at ease.
- You have to know how to talk to her.
[Hawkeye.]
You're an engineer.
For you it's like making a big tie clip.
Oh, come on, fella.
You gotta be kidding.
- What? - He says he's never done anything like this before.
If you can't land on it or drive over it, he doesn't want to try it.
- Give me the phone.
- Uh-oh.
Now you've done it.
Young man, this is Colonel Sherman Potter.
My bird wants to talk to your bird.
Patch me through to Colonel De Roo on the double.
He's adorable when he's gruff.
Colonel De Roo? Colonel Potter, MASH 4077.
No, no.
Our latrines are plenty deep.
I called to ask you boys a special favor.
We need to modify a hunk of surgical equipment.
We can design it, but we can't make it.
You can? Oh, that's swell.
Ninety days? That stinks.
Ninety days? Charles operates faster than that.
You're sure you can't spare one man right now? "Wunderbar.
" Nice talking to you, and I'll try to remember you're on our side.
For the next 90 days, he's got his whole outfit building a dam on the river at Sepyong.
Darn dam! Why don't they draft a brigade of beavers? Well, Colonel, now somebody's asked.
How are you boys at "do it yourself"? Well, here we are in the fender and body shop.
Step one: Take a break.
Wait, wait.
It can't be that hard.
Let's take it apart first.
And then that way, it'll be, you know, apart.
I'll handle this.
Give me a screwdriver.
Mr.
Screwdriver coming up.
I'm working on a clamp, not an ocean liner.
I'll have to look in the children's department.
Anything smaller, I have to call the downtown store.
It amazes me that a man that can perform miracles in surgery can be so mechanically inept.
When I'm loosening a screw, do I go this way or that way? I'll call Larry, Moe and Curly.
Ah, here it comes.
There.
You're a genius.
Now what do we do? Well, straighten one of these out and go from there.
How do you straighten one of these out? Well, let's see.
It's made of surgical steel.
Designed to precise specifications.
An alloy of delicately balanced components.
- Hit it with a hammer.
- Of course.
[Laughing.]
Gentlemen.
What are you doing here? Well, the colonel said the two of you were gonna try and build the clamp yourselves.
I said to myself, "Charles, this you have got to see.
" - Sadist.
- I want you to pretend I'm not here, gentlemen.
Just go about your business, and I will blend into the woodwork.
- What's in the bag? - My lunch.
I want to eat along.
Hit it with the hammer, will ya? [Laughing.]
- Will you stop laughing! - Please, I'm not here.
You can hit it harder.
The landlady won't mind.
- Will you let me do it my way? - We're gonna be here forever! - Please, let me have it.
- Fine.
Here.
Thank you.
You know, if you were half a nice guy you'd be helping us instead of turning it into a picnic.
Oh, get off it, Pierce.
The two of you are fumbling around like a couple of Sunday plumbers.
None of us has the expertise to make the instrument we need.
At least I have the sense to admit it.
- That's for being right.
- Thanks.
- Meet you later under the showers? - No soap.
- Prude.
- Another nurse down the drain.
Hey, I hear you guys are lookin' to get some new kind of surgical gizmo built.
- It's a clamp, Zale, and yes, we are.
- Know somebody that could do it? - Sure.
Sure.
Me.
- You know somebody else? Look, I am a master craftsman.
Nobody appreciates that 'cause I'm stuck in Supply.
Yeah, there's very little demand for supply.
- You know that jukebox at the Officers Club? - Both songs.
Who do you think puts it back together after the marines visit? Zale, this is a little more delicate than a jukebox.
Delicate schmelicate.
I can fix or build anything.
With a screwdriver, I'm a regular Leonard da Vinci.
All right, here's the gizmo.
Basically, we need a clamp with a new kind of a handle.
More sensitive.
And jaws that won't crush the artery.
- Right, right.
- Maybe a screw that's sensitive to pressure.
Sure.
Of course.
Hey, I can see it now.
Zale's gift to medicine.
Sleek, compact, streamlined, gorgeous.
Just make it work, Leonard.
- Klinger! - Why didn't I keep on driving? - Well? - You know, Major you have a very natural beauty.
Why hide it with a lot of jewelry? Look, I went through every garbage bin in Korea.
I even dove into a pile of burning rubbish 'cause I saw something shiny.
It was only a lousy gold watch.
Please, get a rifle.
Shoot me.
Put me out of your misery.
Oh, no.
You're not gonna get off that easy.
From now on, I'm gonna make your life so rotten, you'll wish you were in combat! Major, I'm tired, I'm dirty and I burned my nose.
On top of that, I'm due on K.
P.
In five minutes and I won't have a chance to shower! How are you gonna make my life any more rottener? I'll work on it! No, no.
That's your move.
- Are you sure? - Definitely.
- But he can take my knight.
- No, he can't.
Your knight's protected by your queen.
- You know, I've heard about those two, but I never believed it.
- Make your move.
All right, MacArthur.
Let's see you return from this.
Checkmate, bunkmate.
- Brilliant move you gave me! - Never touched your knight.
I'd be happy to give you a handicap, Pierce but you've already got one Hunnicutt.
- [Laughs.]
- Gather around and strike up the band.
- Zale has done it again.
- You finished? - Not five minutes ago.
- Well, come on.
Let's see it.
I haven't been this excited since I played Superman in the phone booth with Betty Dinkle.
Ta-da! Zale, for the first time, you've done it again.
Feels good.
The handle looks like the right length.
I hope you don't mind.
I carved my initials on it.
Z.
Z.
Zelmo Zale.
May I take a look at that nutcracker? Ah, the acid test.
The "jack-acid" test.
Here you are, Charles.
Thank you.
What's not to love, huh, Doc? Well, the jaws should be tighter when it's closed.
It'll never hold like this.
- Sorry, Zelmo.
- Give me that.
Never hold, huh? Look at that.
Is it coming off? Is it coming off? Zale, it won't come off.
Oh, easily fixed.
We'll just loosen that screw.
- You're tightening it! - Oh, yeah, yeah.
Having some trouble? No! Zale, will you hurry? My eyes are leaving their sockets.
- Give me a second.
- Let me try.
- Be careful.
You'll break it.
- It was built broken.
I am now officially in extreme pain.
You don't believe me? [Screaming.]
- Just a minute.
I built it.
I'll fix it.
- All right.
- The stupid thing is jammed! - This would've gone over great during the Inquisition.
Oh! Now look what you done! What I done? You're some master craftsman! Zale, go back to your drawing board and blow it up.
I give it my best, and this is the thanks I get? I was gonna make you another one, but just for that crack, I won't! - Thank you.
- I should get a medal: The Purple Hand.
Gentlemen, far be it from me to rub salt in an open wound but, uh, I told you so.
[Chuckles.]
That's right.
You build us that clamp and whatever we've got is yours.
Come on, Hawk.
What have we got an engineer could want? - Nurses? - Hey, no way.
- Not a chance.
Uh-uh.
- Sure.
You got 'em.
Are you nuts? I don't even know you! Will you be quiet? I'm negotiating.
Yeah, Saturday night.
A unit party, yeah.
How many? Well, we can either get you four brunettes or two dirty blondes and a redhead.
Great.
No problem.
And the potato salad's on me.
Thanks again.
Oh, what I did.
Oh, I've never seen her like this.
She's gonna keep it up until we drop.
Yeah, Hot Lips Houlihan: Blonde land mine.
I wish she'd take my wedding ring.
- It'd be worth a divorce to have her off our backs.
- [Knocking.]
- Enter the mausoleum.
- Hello, "goils.
" Hello.
- What do you want? - Love and respect.
- But we'll settle for love.
- We came to ask you a little favor.
Save it.
Hot Lips has us booked through Christmas.
When you hear what we have to say, you're gonna jump right into our arms.
- Fill 'em in, Beej.
- Me? You do the filling.
It was your idea.
Here it comes.
Behind every great inventor is his nurse.
- What's the favor? - You have the rare opportunity of participating in an historic medical moment.
- The favor, Hawkeye? - The engineers will redesign this clamp if you'll go to their unit party Saturday night.
- Oh, no way.
- No.
Sorry.
Out.
- I was wrong.
They love the idea.
- Forget it, Hawkeye.
- You'll be the guests of honor.
- It's not our honor they want.
We've heard about their unit parties.
Those guys are animals.
Go for a couple of hours, slap a few faces, then run for your lives.
It's for a good cause.
Not even if it meant peace on earth.
When I give you nurses a job to do, I want it done right.
What are you two doing in here? - Is this where they're holding the Ginsburg bar mitzvah? - Oh, stuff it.
I just spot-checked your inventory.
You're off by 10 thermometers.
God knows what else you missed.
I want you to go back over there and recount everything.
- Oh, Major, that'll take hours.
- At least.
Move it.
Now! - Well? - [Together.]
Behind every great inventor Get out, get out, get out.
Let's give the engineers another call.
Maybe they'll settle for some nudist magazines.
- I'll even throw in my magnifying glass.
- No sacrifice too big for you.
Gentlemen, you're in luck.
Just two days left in summer clearance sale.
We're saving our money for your back-to-school sale.
Okay, go.
If you can't spot quality, who needs you? Now that's a salesman.
Maybe we could find a pacifier for Margaret.
Okay, my friend.
What do ya got for a couple of big spenders? - The more you spend, the more I got.
- Oh, yeah? You wouldn't happen to have a gold ring with tiny stones all around it? You wouldn't like what I got.
Every three stones a diamond chip.
Every three stones a diamond chip? - You got one of those? - I got nine of those.
- I don't believe it.
- That's it! Guy in Tokyo make them by the dozen.
Easy job.
Cheap setting.
Miracle glue.
- Sounds like Penobscott's style.
- Let me get you better.
- No, no.
Wait.
- No, that's fine.
Can you put an inscription in it? Sure.
You want your name on this? - No.
It's for a friend.
- "Over hill, over dale, our love will never fail.
" - P-U! - Yes, it is lovely.
- When can we have it and how much? - Three days, 25 bucks.
- And don't try to talk me down.
- You? We wouldn't dare.
Perhaps you like to look at something good now? Custom made by Mr.
Shin, yours truly.
I'm afraid we've used up our allowance.
Do we have to go through that again? Look, everything a G.
I.
Could want.
Earrings for that someone special.
Ah, silver snuff box.
Beautiful.
You say you made all that stuff yourself? Since before you were born, sonny boy.
Could you make something like this? Yeah.
Take two or three days.
- Charge you 10 bucks.
- Only 10? Anyone who buy this crummy ring deserve a break.
#Tote that barge Lift that bale # You lose a little ring.
#And you land in jail ## Ah, Klinger, what pipes.
There he is Corporal "Suds" Klinger.
On his fourth record-breaking day of scouring the same pot.
Welcome to Major Houlihan's Doghouse.
Klinger, how'd you like to see the sun again? - What? And be denied all this? - Look familiar? - You found it! - No, you found it.
- Huh? - We bought it, and we want you to give it to Margaret.
Oh, sirs, may your camel spit nothing but dates.
Go! And don't lose it! Are you kidding? I won't let it out of my sight.
Get it quick, before it dissolves! Get it quick, before it dissolves! - [Knocking.]
- Oh, God! Who is it? - [Klinger.]
A Lebanese bearing gifts.
- Do you have a death wish? - No, Major.
- I'm getting my whip.
Hold on a minute.
Take a look at what I got.
My ring! That's my ring! - Now can I come in? - I can't believe it! - How did you find it? - It wasn't easy, Major.
On the few rest breaks I had, I re-combed every inch of trail.
Then this morning, on my hands and knees, too tired to go on I looked up and there it was, in the garbage dump perched majestically on a pile of mildewed weenies that sun gleaming off of that brilliant 14-karat gold.
Oh, Klinger, Klinger, you're a doll! How can I ever thank you? - You can let me try that nail polish.
- Of course.
I'm so sorry.
When I lost this ring, l Wait a minute.
What's this? - Huh? - This inscription.
"Over hill, over dale, our love will ever fail"? Right.
That is very romantic.
Wrong! That is very wrong! It should be "never" fail! - What happened to the "N"? - The what? The "N"! As in "nut," "nincompoop," "knucklehead.
" - Still rhymes.
- Klinger, how could you? - Major, we were only trying to help.
- "We"? Hawkeye and B.
J.
Bought it and gave it to me to give to you.
I should've known those two weasels would be in on this.
- Hey, that's not fair.
- You go tell your accomplices their charade didn't work.
- Major, you're wrong.
- What? Nobody was trying to make a fool out of you.
We just wanted you to have your ring back.
That's all.
You don't have to be grateful but would it hurt to at least appreciate the effort? [Man On P.
A.
.]
Attention.
Incoming wounded.
One ambulance entering the compound.
Fortunately, that is all.
- You taking him? - Yeah.
As soon as I get the bleeding stopped.
Wait a second.
Hold it.
Okay, put him to sleep.
- Colonel Potter's scrubbing up.
- [B.
J.
.]
Cotter, get me some more pressure bandages.
Superficial.
He can wait in dry dock.
- What've we got, Father? - This is Private Cohen from my hometown.
Cohen? You two go to the seminary together? - Can you save my leg, Doc? - I'll do everything I can, Cohen.
I promise you.
Start four units of whole blood and prep him.
- How bad is he? - Bad enough.
The question is how good's our new clamp? Suction.
I'll debride the wound.
Then we'll try out that clamp on the artery.
- Right, Doctor.
- Got my fingers crossed, Doc.
- [Nurse.]
Count my toes in.
- Count my blessings in.
[Potter.]
I'm wearing my lucky bunion pads.
Why don't we all just take out our little rabbits' feet and give them one big rub? How would you like to be bent into a horseshoe? Sponge, right there.
Here we go, Cohen.
Okay, Margaret, the you-know-what.
Father, do you have a prayer for an untried vascular clamp? No, but like you, I can invent one.
Okay so far.
No leakage.
We're still a long way from Tipperary, wherever that is.
- Scissors.
- Scissors.
You know, Klinger found my ring.
I told you to have faith.
You didn't believe me.
But I knew it would show up.
You see? - It's not the original.
- Oh, really? No, it's a cheap copy, and I like it a lot better.
- Thank you.
- Anytime.
- Forceps.
- Forceps.
- What gave us away? - "Over hill, over dale.
Our love will ever fail.
" The "N" is missing.
Oh, well, don't worry.
We'll find it.
We found the ring, didn't we? - You gotta have faith, right, Father? - That's what He tells me.
- How's the clamp working, son? - Like a lioness holding her cub.
Nice! Best 10 bucks we ever spent.
- Congratulations, boys.
- That Mr.
Shin deserves a medal.
He could always make himself one.
Ladies and gentlemen, we may have something here.
Primitive but functional.
You know, Pierce, this might just make a surgeon out of you.
Wait till you see my next invention.
I'm gonna make a silk purse out of you.
Cohen? Cohen? Now, what was he in for? - Lube and oil.
- No, that was DeSoto.
Here we are.
Cohen.
"Check the battery and empty the ashtrays.
" - Yeah, that's me.
- How does the leg feel? Well, there's some tingling, and I can wiggle my toes.
- That means I can keep it, right, Doc? - Of course.
It's yours.
I don't know what you guys did, but I want your names and addresses.
I'm gonna send you both Hanukkah gifts every Christmas for the rest of your lives.
My color is anything but green.
We'll take most of the credit, but not all of it.
In your case, we had a little help.
- Meet "a little help.
" - What is it? Clamp.
Vascular clamp.
You're the very first person we ever tried it out on.
- No kidding? - Something to tell your grandchildren about - while you're bouncing them on that knee.
- How about that? Well, just another example of good old American know-how.
- You haven't read Mr.
Shin's inscription.
- His inscription? "Over hill, over dale, Korean clamp will never fail.
" That's where he put the "N.
" Hey, Mr.
Shin! Ah, you're just the guys I want to see.
Congratulations.
Your clamp is a real life and limb saver.
That was nothing.
I open whole new line of Mr.
Shin's surgical supplies.
Look here.
Pearl handle scalpel.
You look like million bucks with this in your hand.
- I already have a scalpel.
- Can also be used as spoon.
- Can opener.
- No, thank you.
- Cuticle remover.
- [B.
J.
.]
That's cute.
- Corkscrew.
- [Hawkeye.]
Corkscrew! - That we can use.
- Sold.