New Girl s06e16 Episode Script

1 Valentine's Day! - SCHMIDT: Woo-hoo! - Yeah! Oh! - Down, down, do your dance - Go left.
- Do your dance - We got a brand-new dance Down, down, do your dance Do your dance (Nick whistling) - Oh, hey, what you doing? - Hey! Oh! - We wasn't doing nothing! - I love the "Cupid Shuffle.
" - Why'd you stop? - 'Cause, uh This particular day Yeah, it's, like, romantic in nature.
Ugh, that stupid "sad single girl on Valentine's Day" cliché? Do better.
I have a great day planned.
I'm finally gonna use the celebrity chef dinner that I won at the auction.
And before that, I'm gonna clean out my purse.
Dinner by yourself - and cleaning out your purse? - Does that sound sad? - Mm-hmm.
- Yes.
Oh, kiss it.
It's gonna be great.
Hey, is there anything in there from Reagan? She's in Minnesota, and we're exchanging gifts.
Gonna do the old stand-by, like when we were dating? A nudie card with a $20 stapled to it? I did so good.
No, no, no, I'm-I'm putting a real effort this year.
I feel five feet tall.
You're more than five feet right now.
I feel smaller because I'm humbled.
I'm humbled by my actions of tenderness.
Well, the only Valentine in this pile is for yours truly.
Someone very crafty made it.
She sent a Valentine's to herself.
Now, you understand this is sad, this is really sad.
Guys, would a sad person do this? Down, down, do your dance, do your dance, do your dance Down, down, do your dance Do your dance, do your dance Down, down, do your dance Whew! Say what you want, that woman can shuffle.
Mm! Can't believe that we're not spending Valentine's Day together.
I know.
It sucks.
The first year that I haven't planned our bone-iversary.
I think I'd prefer to call it the anniversary of the first night we made love.
Either way, it's our first one as a married couple.
You know, we miss this, the next thing you know, we're making love once a year next to a Thomas Kinkade painting after a hot dog dinner.
It's not your fault, all right? You've just been working so hard.
I've been killing myself trying to impress Kim.
Call the tween footwear people.
Here's their number.
Don't trouble yourself.
I've got it memorized.
You just dialed 17 numbers.
- Loretta, I need you! - Freakin' Loretta! Kim will take you seriously when she sees you in that fine-ass suit.
- Ah, thank you.
(sighs) - (chuckles) How long have we been waiting for this elevator? What, are we in the lobby of Sterling Cooper? Hey, hey.
What you doing? Cleaning out your purse? Fun.
Mind if I watch? - Knock yourself out.
- (chuckles) Whoo! What you got there? Is that a nail clipper? What you gonna do with that? Keep, throw away.
Keep, throw away.
(mumbling) I'm going with keep, I'm going Oh! She's keeping it! Oh, I get it you think I'm sad.
Aren't you supposed to be with your girlfriend right now? Aly's not big on V-Day.
- What? - Yeah.
She says it makes her want to eat and successfully pass a nail.
Yeah.
I love her so much.
And aren't you gonna propose to her? Yeah, I am, in due time.
But right now, I'm only on phase six of my 21-step proposal plan.
I'm months away.
And in case you were wondering if I'm under budget, I am not by thousands of dollars.
Winston, no matter what Aly says, all girls love Valentine's Day.
Get your cupcake ass out of here and go make her feel special.
I can't miss this.
Leave me to my froyo cards.
God, I got to start going to the same place, you know.
Or else I'll never get a free one.
(door opens, closes) Oh.
I'm alone.
I can't even imagine what Reagan got me.
'Cause I know she went, you know, at least as hard as I went, and I got to say, I went hard.
At 11:00, an 11-ounce steak - will be sent to her room.
- That's large.
At 12:00, a single rose will arrive.
At 1:00, the hotel manager is gonna come, he's gonna tell her there's a problem with her room, he's gonna take her to another room.
When she walks in that room, boom, it's filled with roses.
- Damn, son.
- It's a slightly worse room, but it's right near an ice machine.
I am proud of you.
You're a real Big Boy Cupid.
Big Boy Cupid I like that.
- Say it again.
- Big Boy Cupid! I didn't like it that much that time.
Well, I'm very happy for you on your Valentine's Day.
Doesn't really feel like Valentine's Day to me.
Schmidt didn't get to plan our bone-iversary this year.
If he is too busy to plan the bone-iversary, then you've got to do it.
Okay.
Sure, I guess I could step up my game.
- Right? Good.
- Right, yeah.
Okay, I'll try it, I'll do it.
That is some good advice.
Now my final bit of advice, and don't get sensitive on this, but you got to change that top it's terrible.
And you got to throw sparkles on.
- I think - Sparkles are in.
- I think my top is fine.
- Sparkles - are in! - There's a line.
- You giving me fashion advice - Sparkles - is the line.
- are in! - (laughs) - Look, I know it's not much, but, um, you know, I just thought it would be nice to spend some koala-ty time together.
Ew.
- (Australian accent): G'Day, mate.
- Oh, no.
What's a fit Sheila like you doing with this sticky joey? You were right.
I said I didn't want to do anything today, but this is pretty fun.
(British accent): Even though you forgot the Parmesan cheese.
Well, that's not what he would sound like.
I mean, if you're gonna say it, you might as well say it the way he would (both laugh) I can't even joke be mad at you, because you're so perfect.
Well, you're the most ridiculous person I've ever met.
- (laughs) - But, you know, I honestly never get tired of you.
(chuckles) Okay, this is gonna sound crazy, but I don't even care, I'm just gonna say it.
Why don't we get married? (laughs) Nah - (grunts) - You said no? I have a proposal plan, okay? A plan.
You know what, and I would not be in this mess if it wasn't for you convincing me to do Valentine's Day in the first place! I'm sorry, I'm just You know what, I'll just find her at work, okay? And I'll-I'll tell her yes then.
- I'm used to compromising my dreams.
- No, Winston, you deserve an amazing engagement.
You're America's sweetheart, and you have to give Aly the proposal she deserves.
And you have to do it today, 'cause she's probably freaking out right now.
It's a 21-step plan.
I can't do it in one night.
You can't, but we can.
Jess, I can't make you do that.
I mean, you had a whole day planned.
I mean, it's a day I maintain was rooted in sadness.
You say I'm sad one more time, and I'm gonna take you to San Francisco, and we're gonna eat a little sourdough, maybe a little crab, and then I'm gonna throw you off the Golden Gate Bridge! - Do you understand? - Yes, ma'am.
Now, you go tell that son of a bitch cat of yours that he's gonna get a new mommy, 'cause we're gonna propose tonight! Okay.
Okay, let's cut this 21-stage plan down to the essentials.
- Okay.
- Great binder, by the way.
- You get it at Captain Work? - You know it.
- Downtown or Third Street? - Downtown.
Good.
Third Street's for idiots.
I'm really loving your vibe right now.
You're really taking control.
Yeah.
Uh, okay, Malibu cactus picnic.
Did that.
Erotic skywriting.
That's a cut.
Mm.
See, I'm not sure if you understood - I know what erotic skywriting is.
- It's in the sky.
Special performance by the L.
A.
Children's Choir? They're gonna come out all cute and small, singing "Alison.
" - We're cutting.
- Huh? Okay, we can't get your ring in Atlanta.
It's the most affordable big city in America, so Well, I have a local ring guy, - so it's Cut-lanta.
- (sighs) Operation Bobcat? - Let's call that "Operation Cut Cat.
" - No, no, no, no.
Oh, I should have said "Bob Cut.
" - Next time.
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Move your hand.
Don't rip that.
When Aly and I were first partners, we got called to break up a drug deal in a bus station bathroom.
When we got there, wasn't nobody in there.
Just a bobcat.
Like, a bobcat running around.
I shrieked.
Of course, I was afraid for my life.
But Aly she, she just laughed.
(chuckles) Laughed and laughed and laughed.
And, you know, it was that moment that made me realize I wanted to make her laugh for the rest of her life.
And so, the plan was to recreate that moment.
So You already have a bobcat costume, don't you? I'm an oddball romantic.
You bought a bobcat costume before you got a ring? You really toe the line between sweetness and insanity.
That's the whole thing.
SCHMIDT: I already e-mailed you the reports, but I know you love hard copies, and I love that about you.
- Why? - Why? All right.
Happy bone-iver So, actually, I'm going to, uh, double-check those hard copies, and I'm gonna bring them to you, 'cause I want to make sure that they're ready for your brilliant eyes.
(door closes) Cece, what the hell are you doing in here? - Surprise! - (pictures clattering) - Cece, I love where your head's at.
- Mm-hmm.
And I love where your body is at even more, but I-I can't.
What if I told you that I have the Star of David hidden somewhere on my body, - and you have to find it? - Okay.
Okay.
All right, let's do it.
But we got to do it really quick.
I'm gonna stay dressed and just poke out like a cuckoo clock.
Not here.
I got a whole thing planned.
(chuckles) Happy bone-iversary.
(chuckles) Who would have thought the first moment that we ever were intimate with each other, you know? Honey, we're on the clock here, and it's getting very cold, so why don't we get this car started.
- (wind whistling) - (chuckles) - Oh! No, no, no! - Oh! Oh! - What?! - My executive ensemble! BOTH: No, no, no! (grunts) Thank you for coming, Trevlo.
Hey, got to sell these rings.
Driving towards success.
We blessed.
You're always so positive, Trevlo.
Got to stay positive.
- Stay blessed.
- Stay blessed.
Yeah, blessings.
(whispers): Blessings raining down on you.
Oh.
I think, we got one, Trevlo! $12,000? You out of your damn mind, man? - No, no, no.
- You got to work with me, Trevlo.
Can't do it, baby.
Come on, Jess, you told me this dude was your friend.
Friend is a stretch.
I rear-ended him in a drive-thru, and he gave me his card.
Blessings.
- What?! - What?! What the hell you do to my fade, Jess?! I said a soft blend! Soft! I think it looks great, baby.
It's all your perception.
I look like if LeBron James turned around.
- Calm down.
- Look, I'm trying to stay calm, Jess, but I'm trying to fit a 21-step plan - into three hours.
- Stay blessed.
I swear I'm gonna shove one of those blessings right up Trevlo! I thought that was you! Wow, look at you.
Looking trim.
- Been counting my steps, baby.
- You know Trevlo, too? Yeah, I was in the car when Jess hit him.
- Stay blessed.
- Stay blessed.
- Stay blessed.
- Everybody stay blessed.
- Stay blessed.
- Anyway, Schmidt's having a Valentine's Day emergency, and he called on Big Boy Cupid for help.
Cece's been calling me Big Boy Cupid because I'm super romantic now.
What can I say? I'm in love.
TREVLO: Nick, you in love? Tell me about her.
Is she positive? She is not positive, but I can't wait to see what she got me for Valentine's Day.
You know what? Can't do it.
The proposal is off.
- What?! - I feel like I'm being a bad friend - by putting you in this spot.
- What spot? Jess, I saw your face when Nick said he was in love.
- Didn't have a face.
- Yes, you're sad.
I'm not sad.
Please, everyone, stop telling me I'm sad! A proposal is the last thing that you should be doing.
- I'm calling it.
- Come on! We don't have a ring, we're rushing through all the steps.
It's better this way.
I'll come up with a plan B, I'll make it up to her for Valentine's Day.
You got to take care of yourself.
I feel very, very happy.
Stay home, relax.
Have your meal with your private chef, and more than anything - stay blessed.
- Don't tell me to stay blessed.
You stay blessed! Stay blessed! You know, it's still our bone-iversary.
I'm too stressed.
Sex right now would be like picking a lock with a cold, wet French fry.
- Nick.
Nick! - What? (whistles, caws) - Nick! Finally.
- Nick! I couldn't see you.
This thing was blocking me.
Loretta's probably running the company by now.
- Get over here! - Sorry I'm late.
There was a TV crew by the Staples Center, so I had to jump around behind the guy to get on TV, but the good news, I got on TV, so I think I'm gonna be on the news.
- Great.
- What do you got? Here, I got this for you, man.
You got some pants.
- Got a suit jacket.
- You brought that suit?! It's a 62 short.
I wore that to college graduation.
It was in your closet! As motivation! Here you go, Cece.
It's a beautiful dress.
My wedding dress?! Ah, it's your wedding dress? I knew it looked familiar.
- 'Cause you were at the wedding! - You're a buffoon idiot.
Oh, my God, it's Kim.
It's Kim.
It's Kim.
Shh.
Shh, shh.
(crying) This is the start of a very long cry.
As a bartender, you really get to know the human cry.
(continues crying) (sighs) So what else is going on with you guys? (food sizzling) So is it just you? Yup.
You know I'm quite famous, and you didn't want anybody else to experience my food? No.
Just me.
Just my day.
Are you sad 'cause you're on your own, - on Valentine's night? - Ugh! Don't you start with me, Gordon Ramsay! I'm having just a great time.
Liar! Sorry.
Bad habit.
- Just bring me the scallops, please.
- Impatient.
Mmm.
Delicious.
(sighs) Scallops aren't (dish shatters) for liars.
- Why are you sad? - I'm not sad.
- Then what are you? - I'm mad! There it is.
I'm mad that Nick just decided to be a great boyfriend.
Where does all this effort come from? Reagan gets Mr.
Cupid, and I got, like, some nudie card.
This bread is incredible.
- You taste the crust? - It's really good.
And you know what else pisses me off? The fact that everyone thinks I'm sad.
I mean, Winston canceled his engagement 'cause of it.
Then bloody do something about it! Brilliant! Uh, just a reminder: I'm not required to clean up.
Winston can't throw away his dreams because of me! Then don't let him.
Hey, Jess, what's up? Winston, I'm not sad.
I'm mad! Bloody brilliant.
Okay.
Cool.
Thanks for the call.
I'm not letting you throw away your dreams, okay? You're proposing in that bus station bathroom, and I am going to help you.
I'll meet you there in one hour, and I'm bringing the bobcat suit.
Bobcat suit? Thank God, because my plan B was weak! (grunts) (sighs) (grunts) (whoops) (chuckles): I'm the man.
CECE: Okay, she's not looking.
Come on, let's go.
- We can go now, we can go.
- No, don't move.
If we move, we I'm-I'm fired.
NICK: She's not gonna get off this roof.
- I know how to handle this.
- Are you out of your mind? You're just gonna materialize out of thin air on a rooftop? Easy.
I work here.
I'm a window washer, and I finally got to the top floor.
You don't like that one? How about this one? I'm a traffic guy, and I fell out of the news chopper.
- What are you talking about? - All these work perfectly.
I'll just pick my favorite on the way over.
Sit down, you nincompoop.
This is completely my fault.
I just really wanted to do something big for you, because you do so many romantic things for me.
And I just wanted to find some way to show you how much I love you.
Instead, all I did was mess up your job.
(sighs) - Cece.
- I'm sorry.
You mean more to me than any job ever will.
Screw it.
Screw what? What? (sighs) (sniffles) I love Cece! Oh, well, then I love Schmidt! I love him.
- Love you.
- Love you.
Well, this is a productive use of time.
What the hell is going on, Schmidt? And what is that guy doing? I'm a chimney sweep.
- All these are clogged.
- A chim? Clogged, clogged, clogged.
Are you crying? That's the question.
Are you crying? I just met my birth mother.
I don't have to explain myself to a chimney sweep.
Schmidt, why are you dressed like a Little Rascal? The truth is it's - it's our bone-iversary.
- (groans) Kim, this job means so much to me, but she means a lot more.
So if this costs me the promotion, then I can live with that.
You know, this is the first conversation we've ever had where you weren't lying to me.
It's nice.
I'm not flaming with rage.
And by the way, I've noticed you're working your ass off.
Now get back to work.
Cece, your décolletage looks beautiful.
Thank you.
Okay.
Yeah.
It cleans up pretty nice.
And this ring is perfect.
How did you get Trevlo to come down on the price? I don't think it's a legitimate business, and that's the real answer.
- Anyway, I got it done.
- (chuckles) Okay.
I called the station, they're sending Aly down - on a public disturbance call.
- Nice.
I'm nervous, but, you know, I'm really glad we are doing this, you know.
If I didn't propose in a public bathroom while wearing a bobcat costume, I would have regretted it for the rest of my life.
- (indistinct police radio chatter) - Oh, here she comes.
- Uh, put your head on.
- Okay.
Oh, nice touch.
Police! You have five seconds to pull your pants up.
Your bus is leaving.
Come on, man.
I'm having a really bad day.
- (roars) - (screams) (Winston groans) Ah, that's a concussion.
Just a little bump, right? What is going on? Happy Valentine's Day.
What? - Jess, why did you decorate a bathroom? - Oh, boy.
Why is Winston dressed like a tiger? He's dressed as a bobcat, but I got something I want to say.
When my head hit the wall, it knocked my eyes out of focus.
So I'm gonna need you to read it for me.
- Oh, my God.
Okay.
Um - I'm still a little woozy.
JESS: Aly, um, look at Winston, but listen to me.
Um, fellas! CHOIR: Alison - What the hell? - Winston wanted a kids choir, but this is all we could get on such short notice.
They're called Protect and Swerve.
Oh, Alison My aim is true - "Aly, I'm in love with you.
- (humming) "I love your face, your mind and your butt.
" Good opening, good opening.
"As a young black man, "I never thought I'd feel safe "with a police officer.
"When I met you, I threw away all my shoes, 'cause they made me feel like I was walking on air.
" I'm not gonna get too sentimental Like those other sticky valentines Ooh-ooh "You're the most amazing woman I've ever met, "and I have something to ask you.
"But first, I'm gonna describe in vivid detail our first sexual encounter.
" - Oh, don't do that.
- Okay, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not gonna read - You know what we did.
- Yeah.
It's very long.
Here we go, okay.
Um "I have a complicated relationship with God.
" - No.
- Okay.
Here we go, okay.
Um (choir continues humming) "I don't think anyone on Earth "gets to feel as proud (voice breaks): as I do just to call you my partner.
" That really got me.
(sniffles) (crying): "And now I want to ask you to be my partner for the rest of my life.
" You want to what you want now you want to what? I'm not sad! These are happy tears.
- Jess, I got this.
- What was that last Wh-what did she say? (groans) Aly, the only reason I said no earlier is because I needed to show you how much I wanted to say yes.
I want you to be my partner for the rest of my life.
Oh, Alison Officer Nelson (gasps) will you marry me? Of course I will, Officer Bishop.
My aim is true (choir humming) - Come here.
- (laughs) (choir cheering, whooping) What are we doing in here? Well, I thought you'd like to see your husband's new office.
- (gasps) - I got the promotion.
She just told me.
(laughs) Look at this place! You've got a wet bar, you've got a thermostat.
And tickets to something called the Clippers.
You wanted to see me? Actually, Loretta, I wanted you to see me in my new office.
That'll be all.
Thank you so much.
(door creaking) (beeping) (sighs) All right, Loretta, get out of here.
(door closes) - Happy anniversary.
- Happy anniversary.
Hey.
You got to come out here.
Winston's letting everyone try on the bobcat costume.
Oh.
I'll be, I'll be right out.
Uh, my Valentine's Day gift from Reagan finally came.
- That's nice.
- Yeah.
She got me a necklace.
(chuckles) Did you want a necklace? No.
Not really.
I don't know if I'm a necklace guy.
Well, some guys call it a chain.
- A chain? - Yeah.
I call a chain the thing you put on tires in the snow.
- Oh.
- I got to say, I don't know what I expected from her, but it's definitely not this.
I'm sorry, Nick.
If it makes you feel any better, I spent the day cleaning blood off of a wall - in a bus station bathroom.
- (chuckles) Well, Happy Valentine's Day, Jess.
Happy Valentine's Day, Miller.
To the happy couple.
ALL: Cheers.
- Oh.
- Come on.
Oh, he's still concussed.
- Oh.
- Mm-hmm.
To a beautiful engagement you probably won't remember.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
CECE: You haven't tasted a drop.
- WINSTON: It won't go in.
- NICK: Then stop doing it!