Parks and Recreation s06e16 Episode Script

Okay, I don't want to over-hype this, but presenting Dun-da-da-dah! the new city of Pawnee website! Totally revamped! You can pay parking tickets, you can apply for a business license and the best part is we're going to put up an online poll so people can pick the new town slogan! Hey, look a panda! Yeah, that's just some mascot thing that the designer put up on the front page.
But more importantly, you can now apply for a utility tax refundonline! Wait, the panda's name is Peebo.
Peebo.
Look, you can even play ping-pong.
- What? - I want to play! No, me first! Me first! That's it.
I'm calling it.
Guys, Ben worked really hard on this, okay? Let's look at the online polls.
It's gonna be a cool way to choose our new town's slogan.
Oh! The panda holds a paddle with his tail.
I want to play! Congratulations, Ben.
This is truly a fine panda game you made.
Well done.
What else does he do? I think if you click on the bamboo, it puts on a top hat.
What? I love you, Ben! What's wrong with you? You look like Meryl Streep at the end of Ironweed.
You wish.
Well, I've been driving all over Indiana looking for bands to play the unity concert.
I got nothing to show for, except for four car accidents.
All these strangers' insurance information.
Ooh, I get it, you have car insurance.
Why don't you brag about it? Hey, you are from Eagleton, right? Are there any places out there I should check out? I used to go see live shows at Patterson's.
But I'm boycotting until the owner apologizes for what she said to me at the dog park.
Cool.
Anything else? I hear Cozy's Bar is pretty packed on Thursdays.
But I've never been because it's mostly middle-aged women and I'm allergic to turkey neck.
Really? That's the best part.
We should split a turkey sometime.
Oh, Mr.
Larson.
Thank you so much for meeting me here.
Happy to.
I was in the area.
The chance for me to return your binder full of questions about the job.
I think I answered all of them.
Thank you.
I cannot wait to check this out.
Now, the reason why I asked you to meet me here-- More questions about the job.
Oh, yeah.
Martha? I'm gonna need two hours worth of waffles.
Grant Larson has offered me a chance to oversee a branch office of the national park service.
This is like the parks equivalent of Bruce Springsteen pulling Courtney Cox onstage.
I mean, one minute you're just a regular girl in the crowd, and the next minute you're dancing 10 feet away from freakin' Max Weinberg! Okay, my fortieth and eighteenth from last question is about the Heartland Exotic Plant Management Project.
Now, were would I be actually doing the physical planting? Because it is always been a dream of mine to plant spotted jewelweed along the red river bank in Arkansas, but I'm sure you hear that a lot.
Well, you wouldn't actually be planting things.
I mean, you're overseeing The everyday minutia you would delegate to staff.
Leslie, your job is more creative, big picture stuff.
No more boring people working for you.
Good! I hate paperwork.
I hardly ever do it in my bed on a Saturday night while listening to old spice girls CDs.
Regal Meagle.
My favorite realtor.
You got some hot properties to show me? You know it.
Remember my list of must-haves: Open kitchen, fireplace, exposed brick, and you know I wouldn't kick a skylight out of bed.
I'm opening Pawnee's first authentic Sinatra style Italian restaurant-- "Tom's Bistro.
" I'm kind of like a skinny, handsome, Indian Mario Batali-- who doesn't know how to cook.
Before we go, I got you guys a little something for helping me out.
Oh! Love it! A Larry voodoo doll? Tom, that's so sweet.
Thanks.
Ow! Oh, my gosh! I didn't even do anything.
The voodoo doll is reading my thoughts.
So it seems like it went really well, right? Yeah.
Yeah, totally.
Grant is great, the job is great.
- The waffles were great.
- Great.
So we're just about ready to go live with the slogan poll.
You want to see? Now that Eagleton and Pawnee have merged, it is time to pick a new town slogan.
And a slogan can make a big difference with tourism in a town's identity.
There is New York, the city that never sleeps.
And then there is Glenwater, Florida, home of America's most violent Walmart parking lot.
Okay, so people can vote now.
Yeah, see, that's the super cool thing about this website is it does all the work for us so we can just sit back and take it easy.
No.
No, we're not gonna do that.
We're gonna sit forward and take it hard.
- Um, what? - There's a lot of nitty-gritty left to do, Ben.
We need to roll up our sleeves, we need to go door to door, we need to hand out fliers, and canvass.
You know what we should do? We should have a press junket, to publicize the poll.
Okay, I hope you had lunch plans, 'cause now you get to cancel them.
Well, I-I did.
So this was one of Eagleton's top sushi restaurants.
But you can't out-run the whale meat police forever.
This is great.
I love it! Look at it, I can picture it now.
That's where the politicians will sit, this is where the connected guys will bring their goomahs.
This place is perfect.
- How much? - 9,000 a month.
What? That's way more that I can afford.
Whatever.
It's not that great.
Plus, it's really far away from work and that'd be annoying.
It's not a big deal.
I mean, when it first launches I'll go back and forth, but hopefully it takes off and it'll become a full-time job.
Come on, I'll show some places in your price range.
This press junket is a brilliant idea, isn't it? Mr.
Strange Cameraman Who I Never Met.
Leslie, I told you, I'm not gonna participate in your weird Julia Roberts, cameraman husband fantasy.
Quiet, cameraman, Perd's here.
Leslie, your poll is designed to choose a new slogan.
And a slogan is a series of words that have a meaning.
So true, Perd.
All of the choices for the town slogan are wonderful, but if I had to choose my favorite it would probably be "Storied past, bright future.
" Well, the story of my interest level is: It's medium.
Joan, this poll is a chance to give our newly-merged city a new identity-- to really rebrand this town.
Yes, great question.
I have been thinking of rebranding myself.
What do you think about Juan Callamezzo? Isn't "Juan" a man's name? No, it means "flower.
" I think it means "John.
" Crazy Ira and the Douche from 93.
7 FM, the Groove.
Leslie, do you believe that this new slogan will integrate Pawnee and Eagleton into one cohesive city? Wow, that's a very thoughtful question, Crazy Ira.
Yes, yes, I do.
Follow-up question, Leslie, show us your boobs! Will this fit on a bumper sticker? Gosh, this place is packed.
You folks must really like this guy.
Honey, he is sex on a stick.
Ladies and gentlemen, put your jazzy hands together for my man, Mr.
Duke Silver! A smooth and silky evening to you all.
On nights like this, when the cold winds blow, and the air is awash in the swirling eddies of our dreams, come with me and find safe haven in a warm bathtub full of my jazz.
Uh! Well, the good news is your poll was a big hit.
Thousands of people voted.
That's great.
What's leading? - "Storied past, bright future"? - No.
The current leader is "Pawnee, welcome to Douche nation.
" - What? - Crazy Ira and the Douche got their bonehead radio fans to flood the poll with write-in votes.
Why did we include a write-in option? Because every election has a write-in option.
That's how democracy works.
I'm not a dictator.
If I we're a dictator, I would throw the Douche in prison without a trial.
I would be a very strong dictator, and you would be my bodyguard, and you would lead my army.
Okay, I know we should figure out how to fix this.
But I'm starting to get kind of turned on imagining you as a dictator, is that bad? No, it's okay.
You know, we could just figure out a different strategy for picking a slogan.
You don't have to go on their show.
No, I want to do this.
I enjoy the challenge.
So, how do I look? I need these guys to think that I'm, like, super chill.
Is this gonna work? Oh, what up, Lez? Backwards hat--shows a real lack of respect for authority.
I like that.
What's up, little mayor? Are you gonna freak out again? So, Leslie, what's the deal? Are you just here to yell at us again? Yeah, we are in store for another Leslie Knope nag sesh? Crazy Ira, do the dishes! Classic! No way! I'm not here to nag, guys.
I'm just psyched to be in the studio, you know? I'm justchillin' in the studes with my dudes.
If you're really not really here to nag us, then maybe you'll help us with our next segment "Rating celebrities' boobs!" Perfect.
On a scale, from 1 to ga-ga-ga-going! How would you rate Emma Watson's boobs? First of all, I would rate her acting as an "A.
" You have three seconds to answer or we're gonna withdraw - a donation from charity.
- From charity? Oh.
A minus.
More like double D minus.
Me so horny! I knew it.
I knew it.
- Can I help you? - Maybe.
I was out at the jazz club last night-- scouting bands for the unity concert.
And I saw something very interesting.
- I am Duke Silver.
- I have a twin brother.
What? - I have a twin brother.
- You are Duke Silver? Yes, I am Duke Silver.
The only other people who know are Tom and April.
So, please, keep it to yourself.
Are you kidding me? You are really good! You are, like, the saxophone player for the California-raisins-good.
No joke.
You know what? I'm booking you for the unity concert.
Absolutely not.
My musical career is private.
If my secret got out, this office would be waist-deep in women's undergarments.
No, I'm in charge of booking the bands for the concert, and I say, you're in.
You're gonna play right after Bobby knight ranger.
It's a night ranger cover band where they only wear read sweaters.
It's gonna be epic! Final round, Leslie, boobs or ass? Hard to believe this is a fan game for your radio listeners.
AhI'm gonna say butt.
Ding, ding, ding! - Yes! - You are correct.
This is my mom's dumper! Oh, mommy! I don't know how you got yours hand on that.
I took it.
Good.
Well, it is been so fun bro-ing out with my dogs.
I never knew that objectifying women could be so much fun.
We're running out of time here so just a quick reminder to write-in "Welcome to Douche nation!" As the official town slogan for pawneecity.
gov.
Or you know what would also be kind of dope for the people of Douche nation to do? It's vote for another slogan.
Like, you know, "Storied past, bright future"? ButI don't care.
I don't give a fart, bros.
You know, just do your thing, chicken wing.
Hey, Crazy Ira, have you seen my stick? - Where's your stick? - I don't know.
Lesbo Baggins, you know where my stick is? - You-- - Oh! Found my stick.
Oh, where did you find it? Up Leslie Knope's butt! - Yo, where my stick up? - It's up her butt, papi.
Jewish Greg, whatever we're paying you, it's not enough.
Damn it, I almost pulled that off.
No, you really didn't.
Just delete the poll.
Let the slogan thing go.
Or, maybe we sneak back in there-- you distract those guys for, like, 30, 90 minutes, I get on live radio, I give an impassioned speech about what slogan I want to endorse and I play a few songs, which I always wanted to do, and then we just see what happens.
No.
I should just let this go.
Okay.
Dude, what are you doing? That looks like a perfectly good saxophone case.
Wait a minute.
What's inside that case? I am ending my secret musical career.
- I have to kill Duke Silver.
- No, come on, man.
You're really good.
- You can't quit.
- Sorry, Andrew.
I would rather never play again than have everyone know my secret.
Good-bye, Duke Silver.
May you restin jazz.
So, Tom told you are sort of like a computer expert.
Uhyeah.
You can say that.
These jerks are trying to hijack my online poll, and so far the leading town slogan is, "Home of the stick up Leslie Knope's butt.
" Yeah, yeah.
I voted for that one.
Great.
I'm wondering, is there a way I can communicate - with everybody who voted? - Yeah, I can do that.
Should take about two minutes.
Just PayPal me some bitcoins when you get a chance.
What? So, this is way under your budget.
Used to be a donut shop.
Well, a tire shop - that sold donuts.
- Pretty rough.
I mean, I guess I could fix the roof and tear up the counters.
Do something about the smell.
This place is creepy.
I mean, I love it, because it reminds me of the cafeteria in a haunted nursing home, but that's just me.
This is the last listing I have that isn't an active crime scene.
Hey, man, what happened? I thought Jurassic Fork was super popular.
We stretched ourselves too thin by expanding to a second location.
You opened another dinosaur-themed restaurant? No, another Steven Spielberg-themed restaurant.
The German place downtown-- Schindler's Lunch.
I think you may have misunderstood what people liked about Jurassic Fork.
I actually think the space is pretty cool.
Obviously, we'd had to move this T-Rex, but-- No can do.
That's a load-bearing T-Rex.
This is really the last place you have available? Dang.
Maybe Tom's Bistro wasn't meant to be.
- You wanted to see me? - Yeah, real quick.
Remember when you said you would close up shop - on the slogan thing? - Yes.
You did do that, right? You didn't somehow get the email addresses for every person who voted for the "Stick up the butt" slogan and then write each of them a personalized heartfelt email telling them to do the right thing and vote for a real slogan? Are you crazy? What a crazy talk you just did with your funny words.
Well, someone wrote those emails.
And we got about 300 complaints and as a cherry on top some hackers got really mad about the invasion of privacy and attacked the website.
Look what they did to Peebo.
He's wearing a hat made of penises.
Oh, boy.
Well, I.
T.
is fixing the website, but it will be down for about three days.
Well, no worries, I will handle all of the overflow work personally.
Parking tickets, code violations-- - send them all to me.
- What's going on? I don't know.
I spoke to grant about the national parks job, and he mentioned that's mostly big picture planning and delegating, and not very much nitty-gritty, hands-on stuff that I love to do.
I would miss that, very much.
I mean, have I really pulled my last bloated raccoon carcass from a public fountain? But that's the whole point of moving up the ladder, you get to think bigger, swim in a bigger pond.
You're having a public forum on the slogan, right? Use it as a test.
Hand the reins to someone else, let them handle things while you manage from a distance.
Yeah.
That's a good idea.
I guess I should practice delegating.
Ugh! Okay.
The public forum will be run by Oh, no, I would not have started the sentence if I knew Larry was the only one here.
Babe, if you can step back and let Larry take control, you can survive anything.
All right.
Larry, can you get in here? I would love to.
Gosh darn it.
I-I somehow ran my belt through a slat in this chair so I'm kind of--I'm kind of stuck to it now.
Great.
You really shouldn't have dug that out of the dumpster.
I had to.
Also I had a banana on the way over here.
Sorry.
I get why you don't want any more to know about Duke Silver, and you don't have to worry.
You secret is safe with me.
To even it out, I'm gonna tell you all of my secrets.
Oh, no, that's not necessary.
I once forgot to brush my teeth for five weeks.
I didn't actually sell my last car.
I just forgot where I parked it.
I don't know who Al Gore is.
And at this point I'm too afraid to ask.
When they say 2% milk, I don't know what the other 98% is.
When I was a baby, my head was so big scientists did experiments on me.
I once threw beer at a swan, and then it attacked my niece Rebecca.
That'll do, Andrew.
You don't have to play the unity concert.
But don't quit music.
Please.
- Tommy.
- Hey.
- Are you okay? - Yeah.
I just got excited about the restaurant but I should probably call my investor and tell him we have a problem.
Well, I got you something to cheer you up.
Watch cologne.
Cologne for watches.
Thanks.
Things used to make me so happy.
But I've grown a lot in the last year.
Now I just want one big thing, my own restaurant, named after me, that makes me so much money I can buy anything I want.
I should go.
I didn't want Tom to leave, so I said all these bad things about the restaurant, so he wouldn't like them.
Damn, we should have coordinated.
I don't want to lose that weird little elf either.
That's why I showed him all those crappy places.
Oh, I thought you were just bad at your job.
Sorry.
What should we do? Let me call some people.
Hello, everyone, and welcome to a public forum to choose our new town slogan.
I'm gonna hand things over to Larry Gengurch, who is 100% in charge.
Well, let's just get started, huh? I want to talk about-- Oh, it's the-- geez Louise-- This keeps happening.
I don't know why.
I think the slogan should be "Pawnee, home of crackers, the orangest goldfish in Indiana.
" - Okey-dokey.
- No.
Let me write it down.
- Who even needs a slogan? - Well, now, that is an interesting point.
No, that's my slogan idea.
"Who even needs a slogan?" And then a big picture of me flipping everybody off.
Let's keep our eye on the ball here, Douche nation, "Home of the stick up Leslie Knope's butt.
" Butt stick! Butt stick! Butt stick! Let's vote on it right now! Butt stick! Butt stick! Okay.
Who's next? Yes, ma'am.
This slogan is gonna go on every sign in town.
I think it should be something real that we can all be proud of.
I've lived in Pawnee my whole life and it could be a strange place, but overall it's a warm, and wonderful town.
My idea for a slogan is, "When you're here, then you're home.
" Well, that's lovely.
I actually had it printed up so we can see what it would look like.
Oh, you-- Hm--there's--that's--that's spelled wrong.
That should be "then", t-h-e-n.
Stay strong.
Let them work it out.
And trust Larry.
Trust Larry? Are you listening to yourself? I like that slogan a lot.
But you made a little mistake there.
- You see? - Back off.
"You're" is spelled wrong.
It should be "y-o-u-r.
" Oops, I didn't catch it.
Thank you.
No, no, no, she made a possessive.
- She's getting further away.
- It's okay.
Okay, let's vote.
All those in favor.
Approved! Man, the places that came on the market today are way nicer than the listings we saw yesterday.
I know, crazy, right? Real estate.
This property is under your budget, and it's got everything on this wish list you gave me.
Except the two helipads.
Does it have one helipad? I don't know.
I like it, butseems a little small.
No, I think it just seems small because of all the heavy furniture.
But that part is really great.
The lighting is really cool.
I think this is the one.
You know, I think you're right.
I'll do it.
Thanks, April.
And, hey, bonus, it's pretty close to city hall.
You guys are gonna be regulars.
I'll keep a table open for you.
And special thanks to Leslie Knope for once again bringing about positive change to this town.
Pawnee, I present to you, your new slogan.
You fixed the mistakes.
I held it together for the entire meeting.
Let me have this one.
I'm done micromanaging.
I promise.
Then I'm sure you are okay with the fact that they installed the sign the wrong way and it's welcoming you to Pawnee as you're leaving.
What? No! Oh, son of a-- Hey, you passed the test.
Honestly, there's something else I'm worried about.
The kind of work that I've been doing all these years, the nuts and bolts, the grunt work, that's the stuff I know how to do.
What if I take this national parks jobs and I justfail? - Hm.
- What if I'm not good at it? Yeah.
Leslie, I love you, very much.
But this is the stupidest thing you've ever said.
You'd be amazing.
And everyone's gonna be in awe of how amazing you are, so just shut your month.
Hey, are we leaving or entering? We've been driving around in circles.
You're--