Scrubs s06e16 Episode Script

J.
D.
: Today was Laverne's funeral, but Dr.
Cox was having more trouble adjusting to his new baby's name.
What's wrong with Jennifer Dylan? You named our daughter J.
D.
(SINGING) It's a beautiful morning J.
D.
! Sorry, I was thinking about something else.
Why would you do such a thing? I was hoping that you would hate the name so much that you wouldn't be able to hide your spite from your daughter and she would love me more than you.
I've got to go.
Don't forget, momma's coming home tomorrow, so the fridge needs to be restocked with rice cakes and vodka.
Jordan, while you were on bed rest for the last two months, I served as mother, father, butler, breadwinner and, thanks to our son's penchant for eating nickels and your irrational fear that they're never going to pass through his system, poo-poo sifter.
I was hoping that, upon your return, you would start to assume some domestic responsibilities.
Pass.
(SINGING) Amazing grace ow sweet the sound that saved J.
D.
: The music was so perfect that for a moment it made us all happy.
Well, most of us.
I'll tell you why they sound that good, Roy.
Because they show up for practice.
J.
D.
: Everyone reacts differently at funerals.
Some people wear their emotions on their sleeves, others are more stoic, and there's always that one guy who's completely inappropriate.
I did her autopsy.
I'm her uncle.
Your niece had beautiful guts.
Nice save, chief.
As for me, I couldn't help but imagine what my own funeral would be like.
(SINGING) My girl wants to party all the time Party all the time (CHOIR HUMMING) Yeah! And as you know, J.
D.
Only had two requests and that is that the choir sing the song that would remind us of how much he loved to party, and that he could get one last hug from each of you.
You're the only one I never faked it with.
It's true.
Hell, I I love you, Newbie.
I should have done this a long time ago.
I knew you loved me! I just had to fake my own death to prove it! He loves me, everyone! - Can I get an amen? - ALL: Amen! (WHOOPING) God is good! (NECK SNAPPING) Worth it.
And then we'd have my real funeral.
- Are you an idiot? - No, sir, I'm a dreamer.
Brothers and sisters, as we leave here today, let's not mourn Laverne's passing.
- Amen? - ALL: Amen! Let us celebrate her life, for isn't that what she'd want us to do? ALL: Mmm-hmm.
That's where she got that.
Let us live like she lived and don't be afraid to open your heart to those that are dear to you.
Amen? Amen.
And always make sure you put yourself in other people's shoes before you judge them.
Is that all right? That's right.
And no matter how busy life gets, I want you to take 20 minutes every day for yourself, so you can reflect on who you are as one of God's children.
Amen? ALL: Amen.
I love you and there's absolutely nothing you can do about it.
Thank you for coming.
(SINGING) Amazing grace J.
D.
: It was weird because even though we were all caught up in the moment, once we got to work, we fell right back into our routines.
Turk, she's back.
Oh, my God, Tammy Two Toes.
So that's it? One second we're mourning Laverne and the next you're making up ridiculous nicknames? Baby, what am I supposed to call her? Her name's Tammy and she's got two toes.
I hate this.
Everybody's moving on as if Laverne was never even here.
Babe It's like her feet are giving me the peace sign.
J.
D.
: What Carla didn't know was that some people were already taking Laverne's life lessons to heart.
Perry, could I ask you a favor? Actually, Bob, out of respect for Laverne, no.
You see, according to the Right Reverend Jimmy T.
Gibbons, that's the name I gave the minister in my mind, every day, Bob, every day, I am to take 20 minutes for myself.
Right about now, I'm going to be entering my imaginary, soundproof glass bubble.
That way, I don't have to be (INAUDIBLE) I was just going to ask you to keep your yapper shut while I read the paper, so everybody wins.
Dr.
Cox.
You might want to knock.
He's in an imaginary glass bubble.
- What? - I need help with a patient.
Twenty minutes.
Hey, how long does it take for an old woman to bleed to death? J.
D.
: I still had the post-funeral blues, so I pulled out my secret weapon to bribe Turk into hanging out with me.
I'm going to get that sour ball today, right? If I give it up right away, you won't respect me.
Hello, Mr.
Frances.
When did your son start having stomach pains? Oh, I'm sorry, you're deaf.
It's okay, it's all right.
Will you help me communicate with your dad? Oh, you're deaf, too.
What are the odds? I'm a doctor, I should probably know that.
Here, I'll just write the questions down.
Give me your pen.
I don't have a pen.
My pockets are empty.
Except for the sour ball.
Turk, there never was a sour ball.
I knew that, I just didn't want to believe it.
TURK: Dr.
Cox.
- Do you know sign language? - I know just one sign.
It means leave me alone for 20 minutes or die painfully.
- Dr.
Cox.
- Oh! We can't place the chest tube in Mr.
Carney and he's crashing, - so I'd really - For the love of God! Dr.
Kelso, do you know sign language? Is that a really commonly used sign? I'm calling personnel.
There's got to be someone in this hospital that does sign language.
Doctors.
- Get out of here.
- Get the heck out of here! You don't know how to sign Elliot, I know I was supposed to be sad at that funeral, but all I could think about was how lucky I am to have you in my life, you know? I'm sorry, I'm just not really in the mood for relationshipy talk.
Yeah, sure.
And don't you dare remove that tie.
Let me guess, you want to do some crazy, sexual role-playing.
No! I just never get the chance to see you in a suit, that's all.
- Elliot.
- Fine.
I'm a trailer-trashy pop star who rarely wears underwear and you're one of my back-up dancers who's not quite sure about his sexuality yet! No, I don't want to do Britney and K-Fed anymore.
Ever since the divorce, it's too sad.
Okay You're one of Rhode Island's top defense attorneys and I have just hired you because I killed my husband in an argument over my addiction to painkillers.
Got it.
His medical records are in Michigan with his mom.
He's only with me for a week.
Okay, well, tell him we're going to run some tests and we'll be back once we get the results.
How do you know sign language? Well, when I was in high school, I was a volunteer janitor at the Hoboken Zoo.
And one night I was out plucking peacock feathers to sell for pens when I noticed Gary the gorilla making the sign for food.
I gave him my Danish, he gave the sign for "Thank you.
" Those were the only two signs that Gary knew, except for "boobs.
" - He liked them big and hairy.
- Join the club, player.
- Get away.
- Okay.
So, eventually, Gary, I'm sorry to say, died of lung cancer.
For that I blame myself because I used to share my smokes with him.
But he also piqued my interest in signing, and in his memory I took my first signing class.
Is any of that true? Someone would have to read it back to me.
What's up your caboodle? Caboodle? Oh, it's a new word I'm trying out to replace "ass.
" I have loose morals and I'm living in sin, so still hoping that not being a potty mouth will get me into heaven.
Well, I was just thinking it would be nice if people at least acted like they missed Laverne, you know? Hey, Elliot.
Look I know this weekend is our one-year anniversary, but my college buddy, Donny, is in Vegas and he wants me to fly out.
- Coolio.
- All right.
Are you for real? That's a trick, right? I mean, when he comes back from Vegas, you're going to tear him a new one.
No.
With Keith, I've decided I'm going to be the best girlfriend ever.
If that means skipping some silly anniversary, that's fine.
If it means having some crazy sex and then running off without cuddling to go meet the fellas for a beer, great.
I might cry.
Man, if you were just 40 years older.
(SLURPING) Hey, check this out.
Not only does our deaf kid only have a mild case of gastroenteritis, they just faxed me his medical history.
His condition is congenital.
They tried a hearing aid with no results, but I think he's a perfect candidate for a cochlear implant.
- I think we can make this kid hear.
- Dude, that's amazing.
Can you teach me how to sign, "I think we can fix your son's hearing"? Or I could just tell him? I think it's best if he hear it from a doctor.
No, you just want the glory.
Are you really that emotionally needy? Have we not met? Oh, you're right.
I'm sorry, wasn't thinking.
Look, why don't we go in there and split the glory three ways, okay? Let's go, the three doctors.
J.
D.
: Nothing is ever easy around here.
Whether it's something as simple as trying to find 20 minutes for yourself.
Dr.
Cox, can we go somewhere and talk about Laverne for a while? That sounds like exactly what I want to do.
J.
D.
: Or something as big as finding out your relationship isn't going as well as you thought.
Hey, Keith, can you pass me a fake sugar? Elliot, this relationship isn't working for me.
Well, that sucks caboodle.
Still, none of that matters when you get to change someone's life forever.
- TURK: What'd he say? - He said, "No, thank you.
" No father would deny his son the chance to hear, so we knew it had to be a misunderstanding.
We told the Janitor to clear things up.
You know, if we learned sign language, we could talk in the movies without Carla yelling at us.
But it's so dark.
How could we see what we're signing? We'd get special glow-in-the-dark signing gloves.
Yeah, but then the popcorn butter would get all over the gloves.
Why do you keep poking holes in this? We'd cut off the fingertips.
Okay, I'm in.
Well, I told him everything you said.
His kid's the perfect age for the procedure, his insurance will cover it and he's still not interested.
Elliot, I don't have a friend in Vegas, okay? That was a test to see if you even care about our anniversary.
Obviously, you don't.
Why are you trying to mess up a good thing? Oh, so now my feelings don't count? Look, I (CHAIR DRAGGING) - Sir, can we help you here? - Oh, you already are, sweetheart.
I forgot to bring my paper down here, but this gabfest is just delicious.
So, go on.
You were talking about your relationship, only it was like he's the chick and you're the dude.
All you think about is sex.
Here we go, nag, nag, nag.
(SCOFFS) You nagger.
What'd you just call him, you punk ass? - A "nagger.
" - Okay, we're cool.
Elliot, you're always talking to everyone else about marriage and having babies, but you've never seriously talked about it with me.
I love you, okay? You know, you've never said that to me before? And that's fine, I can wait.
But if we're not moving towards something, I need to know.
So, are you going to say anything? I really don't know what I'd say.
Well, then forget it.
Bitches, huh? What are you going to do? Okay, what's the problem? Laverne was our friend and people are walking around like she never existed.
It's not right, you know? - Yeah, tough crap.
- Excuse me? You can't tell other people how to feel, you just can't.
Some want to cry, that's fine.
Others may choose to laugh.
And guess what? That's okay, too.
Plus, you don't know what's going on inside people's heads.
Take Take Pee Pants here.
Now, how do you know he's not thinking about Laverne right now? I am thinking about her.
I haven't seen my cell phone since her autopsy.
- You don't think if I call it - You're done.
So, to sum up, tough crap.
Hope that helps.
(WHISTLES) People, before I disappear for 20 minutes, I want to make sure all of my patients are alive.
A simple "still here" will suffice.
Sound off like you got a pair.
PATIENTS: Still here.
Ted, we know denying surgery isn't technically child abuse.
We're just wondering if we have any legal recourse.
Just give me one second.
Are you looking for a legal precedent? No, I'm looking up the word "recourse.
" Recourse Dr.
Cox! What? What now? What does somebody need now? Our deaf patient's father won't sign a consent form so he can have a cochlear implant.
Who could you possibly go to if the father won't sign? Here's a hint, it begins with an "M" and ends with an "R.
" Marg Helgenberger.
The mother, get the mother to sign it.
The mother will sign it.
- The mother! Come on - The mother! I told you! I'm glad it's not Marg.
We did not end well.
Hell hath no fury like a Helgenberger scorned.
Scorned After "R" So, Keith's been on your case about getting serious? Totally.
Plus he wants me to be all, like, open and honest about how I feel.
I mean, do you guys talk like that in your relationships? I tell Turk I love him all the time.
- I wish I'd told Laverne more.
- Downer! - I haven't seen you in a while.
- Oh, she just had a baby.
Well, then how can you be drinking? Aren't you breastfeeding? I haven't decided.
Were you breastfed? Of course I was.
That is so interesting 'cause you're a slaggy buttinski who ended up becoming a waitress for a living.
Maybe breastfeeding isn't the answer.
This is the greatest night ever.
You know what? I mean, if I really did have deep feelings for Keith, I would've told him by now.
- Maybe it is time to move on.
- That's a bunch of crap.
- Excuse me? - You're a chicken.
In the last six years, I've seen you get really close to one guy, and that was J.
D.
, and he crushed you.
And since then, you've been so scared of getting hurt, I've seen you sabotage every relationship you've been in.
Honestly, you must be crazy about Keith to let him have survived this long.
But don't worry, you'll be alone again soon enough.
You know, Carla, sometimes you can be a real caboodle-hole.
Oh, now, Bob, what the hell? Have you just been sitting on your pruny keister all day - reading the paper? - Heavens, no.
I also went downstairs to get a cup of coffee.
Well, it must be nice not having everyone want a piece of you.
If one more person interrupts my me-time, I'm going to go ahead and get a tattoo of my hand giving the middle finger on the back of my head.
Why not? It's not as though it could make you look any more like a psychopath.
Whatever it takes to get them to leave me alone.
You love it.
- How's that? - Being everybody's go-to guy.
Perry, people do not do things over and over unless they get some kind of joy out of it.
I've been watching you for 20 years, champ.
Your joy comes from being needed.
That's who you are.
JANITOR: He wants to know what's going on.
Tell him we're prepping his son for surgery.
We got the mother's consent.
And tell him, if you know the sign, that is, "Boo-yah!" Boo-yah! - Nazi salute.
- Oh, my bad.
- Keith? - What, Elliot? How can I say this? Look, I once had a dog named Precious.
He was a Great Dane and I loved him so much.
I mean, even after he disemboweled Old Lady Morgan's cat.
Seriously, he, like, slit her right down the middle and threw her up in the air and then the guts just flew out of her like shiny red fireworks.
Precious was such a sweet dog, and then one day, out of the blue, he bit me.
And I knew that my dad would have him put down, so I said that I was bitten by Mrs.
Morgan's bulldog, which, ironically enough, she had gotten to replace the murdered cat.
Anyway, they came and took the bulldog away and I never said a word.
To this day, I wish that I had spoken up before it was too late.
- Do you know what I'm saying? - Not even a little.
I love you, Keith.
I really do.
Got to go! See you! Elliot, come here.
And there he goes, off to surgery.
Fists in.
Blow it up! You know what's weird? He doesn't seem like a bad dad.
He really loves that kid.
It must be hard with the divorce.
He barely gets to see his son.
It would kill me.
Maybe being deaf was the biggest connection he and his son had.
You know, when I was a kid, I made my dad teach me sign language so I could communicate with my deaf sister.
I ended up closer with her than with anyone.
Maybe Mr.
Frances is afraid of losing that.
Is any of that true? Mostly.
My dad died before I was born.
Wait a minute, I met your dad.
You met a man.
Guys, we should really go in there and talk to him.
(LAST REQUEST PLAYING) J.
D.
: And like that, Carla knew that Nurse Roberts was still in all of our heads, because even if Dr.
Cox never took that 20 minutes for himself, like the minister said, he still realized who he was as one of God's children.
Dr.
Cox, we're having trouble placing a central line You know what? We'll handle it.
It's okay, you can go.
I won't tell anyone.
Elliot had finally opened her heart, even though it made her feel more vulnerable than ever.
Hey, Susan, have you seen Keith? We were supposed to meet here to ride home together, but I can't seem to find him.
- Hey, babe.
You ready to go? - Yeah.
J.
D.
: As for us, even though it took a while, we finally put ourselves in someone else's shoes.
Will you please tell him that we know this must be hard for him? This must be hard for you.
He knows.
He'll be fine.
He just wants what's best for his son.
Thank you for interpreting.
Hey, no problem.
That was for me.
Very impressive.
Stop talking, idiot.
(LAUGHS)