Spin City s06e16 Episode Script

So, Julie, what do you think of New York? Well, so far all I've seen is the airport, my hotel and Your bedroom.
Ah, you're not missing much.
New York's a pretty quiet town on weekends.
So, do I have to give you a smooth line now, or can I just go in for a kiss? I'd like the smooth line.
That was the smooth line.
[TELEPHONE RINGS.]
CHARLIE: Leave a message.
[BEEPS.]
Charlie, it's the mayor.
I can't sleep.
I tried counting sheep, but I got confused.
What's the plural, "sheep" or "sheeps"? Oh, I'll just stick to one and have it jump up and down.
Where are you anyway? Oh, I remember you've got that woman in town.
What was it you called her? Ah, damn, I can't remember.
Well, see you tomorrow.
"Sweetheart.
" I called you "sweetheart.
" "The sure thing.
" Ah, I wish I could be you right now.
Okay, everyone, listen up.
We got a problem.
The mayor's got insomnia.
And last night he called me and ruined my date with Julie.
"Sure thing" Julie? She's been downgraded to "sweetheart" Julie.
Has he tried sleeping pills? He can't mix them with scotch.
Why doesn't he stop drinking scotch? I don't need you kidding around.
This is a serious issue! Maybe I can help.
You know, I suffer from insomnia.
Staying up all night looking at Internet porn is not insomnia.
Oh, thank God! I thought I had a problem.
You know who could put the mayor to sleep? Carter.
Why, because he's smarter than all of us? No, 'cause he's boring.
Carter is not available today.
He's with Spencer the kid from his "little brother" program.
Aw, man, he's gonna be hanging around.
What have you got against Spencer? Nothing, I never know what to say to him.
It's always so awkward.
I don't have that problem.
Teenage boys respond to me.
I guess they think I'm cool and have a fun personality.
Oh, yeah.
That's what they're responding to.
Ah, Spencer's on his way up! I'm so excited.
His mom's out of town, so he's staying with us for a few days.
Which reminds me tell that kid to keep his mitts off my stuff.
Every time I go to look through my telescope it's pointed at the sky.
I was afraid I wouldn't be able to relate to today's youth, but as it turns out, I'm hipper than I thought.
Greetings, all.
Ah, Spencer.
Interesting weather we've been having.
The mist lingering over the city is reminiscent of dickensian London.
Kids today.
They're crazy! Hey, Spencer, it's really nice to see you again.
Come on, Spencer, we're going to be late for your personal tour of the guggenheim.
We've got to be there, or be the product of a number multiplied by itself.
That would be a square Ahhh! Ahhh! So, did you hear senator Davis is looking for a new press secretary? Rumor has it I'm on the short list.
Why would they hire you? You never show up on time, you're abrasive, and you steal office supplies.
Stuart, Stuart, Stuart They don't know that.
Sir, we hear you're having a hard time getting to sleep.
We may be able to help you.
One of the most common causes of sleep disorders is anxiety.
Why would I have anxiety? Well, as mayor, you have the hopes and dreams of millions of people hanging on your every decision.
Oh, great, now I'm never gonna get to sleep.
I have a method that's always worked for me.
Tonight, try listening to this.
It's a tape I made of soothing ocean sounds.
Ocean sounds are soothing? Tell that to the poor bastards in "the perfect storm.
" Sir, you don't need these fancy tapes.
I can put you to sleep in three easy steps.
First, close your eyes.
Take a deep breath.
[INHALES.]
Second step Imagine all your tensions draining through your hands and feet.
Draining Draining [SNORING.]
Senator Davis hasn't contacted me about that job yet, and I think I have a theory as to why.
He's having an affair with his secretary and wrote a love letter on the back of my resume.
Then, in an effort to conceal all the evidence, he shredded it and had it buried in a landfill in Virginia.
Isn't it possible that they just don't want to hire you? Where do you come up with this stuff?! Well, I just got off the phone with Julie.
She's leaving town tomorrow, but she's agreed to give me another chance tonight.
Imagine, we were this close to living in a world where Charlie Crawford goes two days without scoring.
Yeah.
Dodged a bullet.
The education secretary just told me he can't come up with the funds for the school initiative.
I gotta go meet with him.
Can you guys keep an eye on Spencer? Why, is he about to do something? Charlie isn't very good with k-I-d-s.
He finds they can be very a-n-n-o Y.
y-I-n-g.
Thanks.
Charlie and I would love to.
I'll see you at home later.
I told you I'm not good with kids! Just try! Make an effort! So, Spencer What do you think of the Yankees? When referencing the civil war, I prefer to use the proper historical nomenclature.
Unionists.
[SURF GENTLY WHOOSHES.]
Bondek was right.
This tape is relaxing.
Like being on the deck of my yacht, being fed strawberries by Angie Dickinson.
Young Angie Dickinson.
Drifting back and forth.
Drifting Drifting CARTER: Stuart, did you take my microphone? STUART: I'm making a tape of ocean sounds for the mayor, so shut up.
You shut up! How can I record my rehearsal if I don't have my microphone? Fine! I'll finish later.
Carter Heywood, c-scale, French horn.
[FRENCH HORN MUSIC PLAYS OFF-KEY.]
[MUSIC STOPS.]
So, what are you reading? Uh, "Moby-dick" by melville.
Have you read any good books lately? I just read a fascinating biography on Chamberlain.
Oh, Neville, the prime minister? Wilt, the stilt.
Hey, Spencer, you having a good time? [SIGHS.]
Why are you just sitting there?! At least try to make some connection.
I've been trying.
Watch this.
Hey, Spence, think fast.
I wish you would stop doing that.
If I have to spend five more minutes with that brainiac I'm gonna jump off his book and kill myself.
You shouldn't make fun of him just because he's smart.
Caitlin, negotiations are breaking down.
Carter needs your help.
Have fun with the egghead.
Ah! Even better the second time.
Did you read "Moby-dick"? No It's about a cranky fish, right? Actually, a whale is a mammal, and the novel is an allegory for man's battle with don't ruin it! I'm sorry.
I know you don't like hanging out with me.
That's not true.
You're a good kid.
I'm sure there's something fun we can find to do together.
I know.
You want to go get a pizza? I don't really like pizza.
Spencer, I'm trying, but I just don't get you.
I mean, you just read a book about a giant sperm whale called "Moby-dick" And you didn't giggle once.
I I guess I'm just a serious person.
I'm gonna teach you how to loosen up a little bit.
For starters, lose the blazer.
It makes you look old.
Secondly [TELEPHONE RINGS.]
Hello? Oh, hey, Julie.
Yeah, I'm I'm really sorry.
I can't make it tonight.
I'm stuck hanging out with a friend.
Really? How old's your friend? Put the blazer back on.
Spencer, you look a little young for a 21-year-old.
Yeah, it's like "the picture of Dorian gray.
" I have a hidden portrait of myself that grows old, but my youth goes on forever.
So did that answer.
He looks young, but he is an adult in every sense of the word.
Oh, cool! Beer! Give me that! So did I tell you guys I was traveling to India this summer? Have either of you ever been? Well, not physically, but my homeroom did represent India in the mock u.
N.
Can I talk to you for a second? What are you doing?! I'm nervous.
I've never been this close to a fully developed woman before.
You keep up the "mock u.
N.
" Rap, this is the closest you'll ever get.
Yeah, I know, I know.
I'm just a loser when it comes to girls.
You're not a loser.
And I understand what you're going through.
You were like me when you were my age? [SIGHS.]
Not really.
Oh, but you had friends like me? No.
But these women are a lot older, and you are holding your own.
Really? Yeah.
You just need a few tips.
Women are into guys who have a little mystery, so when they're talking, just listen, tilt your chin up, squint your eyes, and go, "yeah.
" Doesn't that seem a little shallow? You're catching on.
You know, I heard this place was a speak-easy during prohibition.
If I could have lived during any decade, it'd be the '20s.
Yeah.
I just saw a great documentary about the '20s.
I think that's the purest form of filmmaking.
Yeah.
You guys want to go somewhere else for dessert? Yeah.
Yeah.
So, sir How were the soothing sounds of the ocean? Not so soothing.
About five minutes in, I heard a man shout, "put that horn down, you talentless hack!" Followed by a violent struggle and glass breaking.
The ocean's a mysterious place.
Sir, you gotta do something about this insomnia.
There's gotta be a reason that you're not sleeping.
Are you sure that there's nothing bothering you? Absolutely.
Fine.
Paul got offered a job with senator Davis and I didn't tell him.
There! You broke me! What are you talking about? The senator asked for my permission to offer Paul a job, and I told him Paul wasn't interested.
I lied.
This is obviously the reason you're not sleeping.
You gotta tell him.
If I tell him he could take the job, and that would mean no more Paul.
You gotta tell him.
Aw Damn.
He's not with you.
What's wrong? Spencer's gone.
I woke up this morning, he wasn't there.
I've been looking all over.
I'm worried.
I haven't seen him since I dropped him off at your place last night.
I hope he hasn't done anything crazy.
What would he do? Carjack a bookmobile? [LAUGHS.]
Grow up, Charlie! What did you guys do last night? We had a blast.
Julie called.
Turns out she had a so I lied about Spencer's age and gave him a few tips on picking up an older woman, and he had the best time why is no one else smiling? You took a 16-year-old on a double date? Is that bad? That siren probably lured Spencer back to her place and took from him that which he holds most dear.
His calculator-watch? Sex.
I'm talking about sex! You have nothing to worry about.
This is a kid who can't even look me in the eye without blushing.
[DOOR OPENS.]
Hey, gorgeous.
He got some.
How could you do this? He shouldn't be out carousing with you.
He should be with people like me who can appreciate his superior intellect.
It was wonderful.
Just like "the age of innocence.
" Two lovers drawn together by fate oh, cut the literary crap, Einstein! I'm responsible for you! Hey, what's the big deal? It's a rite of passage every man goes through.
There's no reason to overreact.
Besides, I'm in love.
What, are you crazy?! Carrie lives in Boston, a long-distance relationship is out of the question.
Oh, thank God! Which is why I'm dropping out of high school and moving in with her.
This is just great.
You know, Charlie, you're the only adult I know who would actually encourage this type of behavior.
[LAUGHING.]
[CHEERING.]
Sir, I heard you wanted to talk to me? Yeah, Paul, come in.
Take a seat.
I had an interesting phone call about you the other day.
Sir, if this is about the Christmas party, I had a lot to drink, my bonus was subpar, and in a momentary lapse of judgment, I may have scratched "suck it" on the hood of your limo.
No, that's not what this is about, Paul.
Oh.
You were saying.
Paul, I have a confession to make.
Senator Davis called me the other day.
He wanted to offer you the job as his new press secretary But I told him you weren't interested.
Sir, how could you do that without talking to me first? The truth is, though we give you a hard time about being lazy, abrasive, absent-minded, self-absorbed get to the point, sir.
I need you, Paul.
If something goes wrong around here, you're right there to protect me.
And if you can't, you're standing by my side, taking a hit.
I love that about you.
So I'm I'm not gonna stand in your way.
[TELEPHONE DIALS.]
WOMAN: Senator Davis' office.
Randall Winston for senator Davis.
Wait, sir sir I don't want the job.
Why? You need me.
You people, you're like family.
That's more important than any job.
Are you sure? Besides, between you and me, that senator Davis is kind of a tool.
I was paired with him at a charity tennis-tournament.
That lardass couldn't move ten feet without taking a doughnut break! Don't get me started on that obnoxious wife of his.
Oh, my gosh! MAN: Guys? I've been on the whole time.
[HANGS UP.]
That was close.
Hmm.
You know, Paul, I really respect you.
Not many men would pass up the opportunity to triple their salary.
I hope you're happy.
As we speak, Spencer's on the phone with Carrie, telling her he's quitting school and moving to Boston.
No way this woman is gonna want a relationship with a high-school kid.
You have nothing to worry about.
I'm not moving to Boston.
She doesn't love me.
I'm a loser.
I hate myself.
[DOOR SLAMS.]
See? Everything worked out.
You took a kid, you put him in an adult situation, and now he's crushed.
We've got to go talk to him.
I agree.
Right now this kid needs wisdom, understanding, and a shoulder to cry on.
Let me know how it works out.
Oh, no, no, no.
You're coming in, too.
You made this bed And Spencer got lucky in it.
Hey, Spence.
How you doing? I know the pain I'm feeling is emotional, but I physically ache.
I'll never meet someone like her again.
Spencer, I know it seems hard right now, but we've all had a first love that we we thought we'd never get over.
You got over yours? Kevin mahoney? Ah! I'm way past him.
I ran into him the other day at Tiffany's buying a diamond necklace for his little wife Megan.
And as he slipped into his Jaguar, I trudged through the cold on the way to the subway, and I thought to myself, "happiness isn't measured by immense wealth, a loving marriage, and beautiful children.
" That bitch stole my life!! Spencer, what Caitlin's trying to say, albeit with a touch of psychotic rage Is that it may hurt now, but it's gonna pass.
She's not even smart! I never want to feel like this again, you know? I just want to go from girl to girl and have fun.
Like Charlie.
No, Spence, you don't want to be like me.
Why not?! You have the perfect life.
No, I don't.
You know that girl I was with last night? Sure, we had a good time, but I'll never see her again.
I'm gonna go home tonight, and my apartment's gonna be empty, and I'm gonna wish, once again, that I'd committed to that special someone who'd be waiting for me with a "how was your day?" And a kiss on my cheek.
[SOBBING.]
Oh, Kevin! Now, Spence, do you really want to be like me? I guess I need a little more experience with love before I give up on it.
[SOBBING.]
Maybe we should get you some water.
[CRYING.]
That would be nice.
[SNIFFLING.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Thanks for setting him straight.
It was brilliant the way you talked him out of your lifestyle.
Heh You really want that special person waiting at home with a kiss on the cheek? Yeah.
Listen, I I want to apologize if I overreacted earlier.
It's just that teenagers are so complicated.
In the course of one night, I watched Spencer grow from a geeky little boy to a Geeky little man.
It was gonna happen sooner or later.
I know.
I guess I worry that as he gets older, I might not be equipped to help him with all his problems.
Just be there for him.
That's the thing he wants the most.
Well, second-most after last night.
Well, anyway, I'm glad you and Spencer have become friends.
And I want you to know I completely trust you with him.
Well, I'm heading home.
Maybe I'll take Spencer out for a bite to eat.
Not without me you're not.
Triple my salary Three times what I make Thrice Thrice CARTER: Hey, Stuart, listen.
I figured out "Tequila.
" [FRENCH HORN MUSIC PLAYS OFF-KEY.]
STUART: Stop it! I can't take it anymore! Oh! What do I have to do to get some respect around here?! It's my art form! Sit, ubu, sit.
Good dog.
[BARKING.]
Moo.