The Goldbergs s06e16 Episode Script

1 ADULT ADAM: Back in the '80s, I had my fair share of tormentors, and no one did it better than my main nemesis sax-wailin', pony tail-rockin' Johnny Atkins.
Yep, he made my life miserable.
Later, nerd losers.
Eat my butt.
I feel threatened, and I want to punch your face off.
And, thanks to shop class, I had to see a lot more of him.
JOHNNY: Hey, Goldberg.
Whatcha workin' on there, man? Looks super cool.
Your interest excites me, but I'm also certain that this exchange will end in a dead leg, swirlie, or both.
C'mon, I have a curious soul.
Please, share your wooden gift with me.
Really? Okay, are you familiar with the fantasy action film "Highlander"? I am not.
Tell me more! Well, it's about a race of immortal swordsmen who clash throughout history, and it stars French action heartthrob Christopher Lambert! Sounds rad! I wish there was a way I could partake in the joy and delight it's given you! - I actually have the tape right here! - Nice! Could you put it down on the table so I can take a better look? You bet.
[Saw whirs.]
Atkins, unacceptable! Goggles on when you use that machine.
Aw, man, I helped you do it! I'm twisted up inside But nonetheless, I feel the need to say I don't know the future But the past keeps getting clearer every day It was February 20th, 1980-something, and my dad had just laid eyes on the perfect parking spot.
- Ah, here we go.
- [Tires screech.]
Whoa, did you see that?! - That schmuck just stole my space! - Oy vey.
Please don't get into one of your parking battles.
Look, there's an open spot right back there.
Just go take it.
You really want to put my dead toe through three more spaces of walking? - [Door closes.]
- In that moment, Pops and Barry braced themselves for one of my dad's epic parking-spot screaming matches or hug? Oh, it's so good to see you! Wait, it must be an old friend.
Bink.
A jinga, a janga What you're saying is impossible.
My dad only has two friends in this world Bill Lewis and the mailman.
That's it.
MURRAY: Hoo! There he is! There's my friend Kormy! - Kormy? - Yeah, Steve Korman, one of my best friends from Central High.
Wait, you had friends? I had a whole group of friends back then.
- We were called The Jokers.
- That's just like the JTP.
How come you never see these guys anymore? Kormy lives in Lancaster now.
- That's way too far.
- Too far? You once drove out to Delaware just to get a crab hoagie.
That was a good hoagie.
- Yeah, it had crab in it.
- Dense crab.
And that bread was delicious.
I remember that trip.
Yeah.
Crab.
Dude, forget the crab.
If Kormy's your friend, you gotta go see him! High school friends are nice, but then life happens, and you move on.
No, the JTP will always be inseparable blood brothers that will be together forever.
Pops, back me up here.
How's about we take a drive and talk about it? Maybe down to that crab place.
All right, enough with the crab! We're going to Delaware! As Barry feared losing his best friends, I was still dealing with my worst enemy.
Dude, can you move? Urkel's about to question whether he did that.
Just gimme a sec.
I gotta find a blank tape so I can record "Highlander.
" Wait, I bought you that movie for your half birthday.
What happened to that tape? Uh, I kinda thought it was a piece of wood and sawed it in half? Schmoo, you gotta be more careful.
Yesterday you lost the lunch money I gave you for square pizza day.
- Forgetful me.
- And the day before that you got your underpants caught in your locker, and they got wedged way up - in the crack of your little tushie.
- Ew, stop.
Clearly, someone's picking on the kid.
Gah, fine! It's Johnny Atkins! It's 'cause I'm not in school to protect you anymore, dummy.
- Protect me? - Protect him? Yes.
All those years while you went about your days blissfully unscathed, I was working in the shadows, ensuring that no one laid a finger on your delicate, - under developed little bird body.
- What? But I just figured I was generally accepted and liked! Oh, God, no.
Well, I guess it's up to Mama to fix it.
Mom, hear my words.
This is the one thing on the planet you cannot fix for me.
Schmoo, when you were little, there was always a mean bully at school and like always, Mama fixed it.
- How? - Easy! - A play date.
- A play date? - Works every time! - I don't need a play date.
I just need to handle this on my own.
Fine, if that's what you really want, I have no choice but to respect your wishes.
Sup, Goldnerd? She did not in any way respect my wishes! Can we start this play date already? Friday nights are when I deep-condition my ponytail.
Then why did you agree to this? I didn't.
Your smoking hot mom forced me.
It's true.
I cornered him in that park where all the boys and girls go to study in their cars and said that I'd scratch his Celica with a wine opener if he didn't agree to a play date.
Totino's Pizza Rolls? Leave the pizza rolls and go! Oh, I'll just take out the trundle bed in case you want to sleep over, Jonathan.
Ha, even your room is nerdy! Can't wait to tell everyone at school your bed has a baby bed.
Turns out it's impossible to have a play date with someone you have nothing in common with.
Seven! Goonies never say die! Do Goonies ever say, "You're a turd farmer?" That's a no on the board games.
Ooh! You like "Ghostbusters"? Check it out.
I got the Ecto-1 Autobot! How about we make a stop-motion animation where it transforms? How about I transform my foot up your butt? How about I just play a movie so we don't have to interact at all? Now we're talking.
What dumb-ass thing is this? Hello? It's "Highlander"? We talked about it in shop class? You're in my shop class? Yeah, let's just watch in silence.
Lucky for me, "Highlander" is so ridiculously badass, even Johnny Atkins couldn't deny its awesomeness.
There can be only one.
Dude, this movie is the best! Sword fighting! Queen music! Sean Connery rockin' a pony tail! Is this play date actually working? No.
Man, I'd give anything to be immortal, see all of history unfold before my very eyes, you know? You'd also have to watch all the people you love die.
So really, it's a gift and a curse.
- Whoa.
- I know, bro.
Hey, what if there was a way to find other people who like "Highlander" and then we all meet regularly to talk about it? - Like a club? - Hell yeah! Boys, it's way too late.
If you're not gonna settle down, Johnny's got to sleep downstairs.
- No, no! We're going to bed! - I'm, like, already asleep.
ADULT ADAM: And so I had a new friend.
Meanwhile, Barry was trying to lock his down forever.
- JTP? - JTP.
Graduation is 12 weeks away, which is why I've planned 12 weekends of JTP shenanigans - to cement our friendship.
- Awesome! - Yeah! - Dude! I'll do anything if it's in a calendar! That's just the beginning, 'cause I also mapped out the next 12 months of our lives.
Wait, 12 months? Won't we all be in college then? Welcome to our futures.
We're gonna visit each other every weekend, and, on Thursdays, we'll have a conference call from 7:00 p.
m.
'til question mark.
Bro, I totally want to hang out next year, too, but this feels very intense.
Then hold onto your tiny, flea-sized hat, Andy! 'Cause I also mapped out the next 12 years.
- Uh-oh.
- Dude.
It's in a calendar, so I gotta do this! But wait.
Behold the next 12 decades.
First, we'll all find wives, get married in a five-way wedding, and each have four kids.
Except for Naked Rob, because he doesn't have parental instincts, but will be the cool uncle to our lousy rugrats.
I do have an uncle vibe, but you can't map out our whole lives.
Yeah, I don't think my future wife is gonna like any of this.
You can tell that nasal-voiced nag to put a sock in it, Andrew! - Hey! - You don't get it.
If we don't do this, the next time we see each other will be in a mall parking lot 10 years from now.
Look, Bar, we appreciate all your unnecessary energy, but we can't commit to the next 12 decades, so, hasta luego? Don't you dare swear at me, Matt Bradley! While Barry was worried about his buddies drifting apart, one movie had brought together my geeky pals and Johnny's way cooler band of friends.
Thanks for coming to the Highlander Club.
I see some new faces to the after-school activities scene.
When do we get the big knives?! I wanna cut someone for real! Love that spirit, but let's walk before we run.
First, we watch the movie, then we our pick our roles, and divvy up scenes to re-enact! - Pass.
- I'm out.
Yeah, I wish you all the best.
No, screw your safety.
Let's just fight! But then all this club will be is a bunch of people hitting each other with - Ow! - Extracurricular activities are fun! - Ha ha, that is fun! - I'm back in! Ow! Hey, why are there children in my wood shop looking all eager and excited? We're starting a Highlander Club, and maybe you - Nah.
- Faculty advisors get a $35 stipend.
Then, as your advisor, I advise you not to bother me with stuff.
Yes! He has a laissez-faire attitude about his role! Let's go sharpen our swords and really take our time.
Ow! Thanks a lot, dude.
You gave all the jerks in school weapons and a scheduled time to beat us.
I know what I did, Dave Kim, but maybe it won't be as bad as we think.
Oh, balls! Let's shake the nerd trees and see what falls out.
Adrenaline got me up here, but I can't sustain it! Come to Mama, Dave Kim.
Do you think this is one of those situations where she's mean to me because she really likes me?! I don't think so, pal! What's the plan here, guys? My hands and legs are fatigued! Wait, I got it! Have any of you seen the gymnastics action movie "Gymkata"?! Screw you and your movies! That's why we're in this mess! Trust me! We just have to swing to each other using our core strength and then form a human bridge to Aah! Ow! I was wrong! It's not a situation where she likes me! - [Thud.]
- Ow! The JTP may have rejected Barry's 12-decade plan, but he wouldn't let that stop him.
Stop! Stop beat boxing, JTP.
I've figured out how we'll stay friends forever.
Oh, God, not another plan.
Trust me.
This one is so good, even Andy's future joyless nag of a wife can get behind it.
I realize there's only one logical way to guarantee we see each other all the time when we're all grown up.
Liberty Seats at Veterans Stadium.
Liberty what? An elite ticket membership giving us access to not one, not two, but 300 nights of entertainment a year! These seats offer everything! The Eagles! Phillies! That sport you play on ice with the broom! Strange religious events! Local graduation ceremonies.
The Kensington Dog Show.
Michael Jackson, Jackson Browne, James Brown, James Taylor, and Taylor Dayne, all for the low price of 10 grand apiece.
10 grand? Dude, are you nuts? I have $37.
My wife is gonna be so pissed.
Well, Andy, tell her to go [bleep.]
herself.
- Whoa! - Whoa! - Whoa-ho-ho! - Dude! Look, we don't know what's gonna happen after high school, but that doesn't mean we're gonna stop being friends.
You guys don't get it! My dad had his own JTP, and now, if they're lucky, they only see each other every 10 years! Bar, just because they don't see each other, doesn't mean we won't.
But their group was just like ours.
First off, there's five of them.
Whoa, that is just like us.
They called themselves The Jokers.
JTP also starts with a J! Each of them had nicknames based in truth! One of 'em was called Tall Jake 'cause he was tall.
I'm Naked Rob and I like to get naked! And the similarities stop there.
We got to get the Liberty Seats! I was so against this five minutes ago, but now I've never wanted anything more! Guys, I might have a better idea that won't cost us thousands of dollars - and hours of our lives.
- That can't be true.
Everyone ignore Matt Bradley and empty your wallets into my hands.
Yep.
We're just freaked out we're gonna drift apart like your dad and his friends.
But what if we got them back together? That's true.
If Barry's extremely off-putting father can have lifelong friends, then we for sure will, too.
This paper-thin logic is oddly comforting! Wow, Matt Bradley just had his first good idea.
- Thanks maybe.
- JTP forever! TOGETHER: JTP forever! As the JTP set off with a plan, my mom's plan for a play date had majorly backfired.
BEVERLY: There's my Schmoo.
Ant on a log coming your way.
Save your logs, lady! I've got a bone to pick with you! Let me guess.
Play date backfired, and now it's 10 times worse? - Yes! - [Crunch.]
Thanks to Johnny, a bunch of cool older dudes in school have united to form a nerd hit squad.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Just let Mama fix it.
I'll invite Johnny and the whole gang over for a big group play date.
Group play date? The crazy lady had to be stopped.
I had no choice but to leave Johnny's Highlander Club and start my own.
Hey, Mr.
Crosby, you got a sec? - Nope.
- Good.
With your permission, we'd like to start a new, second, more gentle Highlander Club.
No.
What? Why not? Because there can be only one! Highlander Club.
M-Maybe there can be two? Dude! You're starting your own club based on the movie I introduced you to? This betrayal will not stand! My Highlander Club challenges yours to a battle! We have no club! Mr.
Crosby specifically said there can be only one! Actually, this challenge makes sense.
Like the epic conflict between Connor MacLeod and the fearsome but misunderstood Kurgan, you must both fight for "the prize.
" You will fight only in the shadows, never in woodshop! Consider this holy ground because I don't want you touching my stuff.
If a sword touches your neck or your lower head, you are out.
The last one standing earns the right to lead his own Highlander Club.
Or, maybe there can be two? Nope, there can be only one! Highlander Club.
See you in the hallways, dorks.
With that, the future of the club was up for grabs, and Barry was gonna reunite our dad with his past.
Thanks for coming out with me and the JTP for my birthday, Dad! MURRAY: Whatever you want, pal.
I definitely knew it was your birthday because I'm a good dad.
There he is! Mur Man! Kormy! What the hell? Surprise! It's devastating that you don't know this, but it's not my birthday! We got all The Jokers back together! You sons of bitches, how ya been?! Better now that you're here, Smiles.
Did they just call your dad "Smiles"? Looking good, Dancing Bruce, or should I say the honorable Dancing Bruce.
All rise to boogie! Are they called The Jokers 'cause they're bad at jokes? The Jokers! [Laughter.]
Morons, you did good.
That was the best night I've had in a long time.
So, uh, when do you want to see The Jokers again? I don't know.
Uh, maybe I'll run into one of them in a couple of years.
- And that's it? - Yeah.
- But you had so much fun.
- Don't you want to do this more? Yeah, maybe you guys should start a bowling team.
Why do any of you care what I do? Or a weekly barbecue.
Who are you? Who is this moron? Geoff Schwartz.
You know my parents.
I'm dating your daughter.
Dad, if you only see your friends once a decade, they're not really your friends.
I don't know what to tell you.
Life goes on.
You get old, you get married, your friends fall by the wayside.
Does he really not know me? Erica, wake up! It's the middle of the day! - We need you! - Leave me alone.
It's Sunday.
It's Thursday.
Ooh, I missed a job interview this morning.
Guess the universe doesn't want me to be a sandwich artist.
You know what the universe does want? For you to protect me like the old days when I was safe and free.
But it doesn't teach you anything.
C'mon, it's time you finally learn to stick up for yourself.
Maybe I wasn't clear.
I don't need hollow words.
I need you to ball up your fists and wreck some fools! Dude, you can't just rely on other people to fight your battles.
Does someone need to rely on me to fight his battles? See? You either stand up and fight or face a lifetime of play dates.
Play dates obviously.
- Obviously.
- Yeah.
No! My groggy sister may have no purpose or prospects, but she's right.
We have to fight back 'cause we have something that Johnny Atkins and his crew don't have.
- All their baby teeth? - No.
- A crush on their cousin? - No! - Their very own fern? - No! - A mama who will fix it? - No! We are all skilled with the blade.
I myself have a lifetime of training with a lightsaber.
You also have a mama who will fix it.
Mikey, Sirota, you both learned a ton of stage combat when you played Tybalt and Mercutio in "Romeo and Juliet," right? - Yeah.
- True.
And, Dan, your malnourished body has less surface area to poke and stab.
My pediatrician is concerned.
Which is why you need someone's mama to fix it! Why are you not getting this? Dave Kim, your turtleneck protects your neck and extremities in a way no one can penetrate! That's neither true nor a skill, but your confidence has me amped! What just happened? Adam finally realized that my advice is better than yours.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go cut my own hair.
- There can be only one, - Here we are - and it shall be the five of us! Wha! - Born to be kings - Rah! - Aah! We're the princes of the universe Here we belong Johnny Atkins! Let our hour-long feud end here! Fine! There can be only one! Highlander Club.
Yah! [All shouting.]
Aah! JOHNNY: Oh, no! The nerds are super fired up and have unwarranted confidence! How is this happening?! [Screams.]
I'll tell you how.
While Johnny and his friends spent their weekends partying and living it up, me and my friends spent our time swinging around lightsabers and perfecting our stage combat moves for drama club.
That fateful day, being geeks all our lives had finally paid off.
Yeah! - Do you yield? - Totally.
Dude, that's sorta my girlfriend! Hey, Atkins.
Ow, dang it, man.
That slightly hurt for a second.
The club belongs to us, which means you can go crawling back to your charmed, awesome lives.
Wait, we can't be in your club? Yeah, this was surprisingly fun.
Sorry, boys, enrollment is closed.
But I've never been kicked out of anything before! Wanna just go back to scoring touchdowns and getting girls? - Sure.
- That works.
What do I do with this stuff? Having finally conquered my bully, I came home to celebrate, but there was one more battle left to fight.
Greetings, aimless sister.
- Thy brother has returned a hero.
- Wow.
He thirsts for beer of the root.
Finally beat a bully, and yet you're nerdier than ever.
Thank you.
You know, my whole life, I've been hearing "Mama will fix it," and a part of me wanted her to.
Believe me, I really get it.
Well, thanks to you, I finally think the days of her getting involved in my relationships are over.
You are in deep trouble, mister.
Shame on you for picking on this poor boy.
Tell him, Mrs.
G.
Dude, did you go to my mom to fix it? I had no choice.
Your mean behavior made me feel completely small and powerless.
Hello?! The minute Erica stopped protecting me, that's what you did to me! - Schmoopaloo.
- Ba-bap! I'm gonna fix it.
Look, you have a true, wonderful gift for busting balls, but you use it for evil! All I did was show you how it feels.
But the difference is I did all that stuff before we were friends.
You think we're friends? Well, yeah? Don't you? If we're friends, then why'd you take over my club? Dude, it was our club, but then you started a new one without me, and then you destroyed my old club, and then Dave Kim stole my girlfriend, and all my friends went back to playing sports.
Wow.
Guess I am the bully.
Maybe we just call it even? I got a bootleg of "Highlander 2.
" Thought maybe we could check it out.
Oh, man, yes! Prepare to be majorly disappointed.
[Bryan Adams' "Somebody" plays.]
Wow.
Play dates do work.
Aww.
You're a good daughter.
And an even better sister for protecting Adam all those years.
I love the little nerd.
Just don't tell him that.
In the end, I didn't need my mom's help, but it turns out my dad needed Barry's.
TOGETHER: E-A-G-L-E-S Eagles! We're all looking for something I thought you said you were good for another 10 years? Well, I had such a great time the other night that I wanted to see them again.
You happy? Doesn't mean the JTP won't drift apart like you guys did.
No, no, no.
You guys won't because you have the one thing that we never had.
You.
You care so much about your friends that you got me back together with mine.
Everyone needs a friend like you, moron.
Thanks, Dad.
Thank you.
Barry had come up with a million ways to keep the JTP together, but, seeing my dad, he realized all he needed was one.
Hey.
I got you a little something.
What is all this? I know it's not realistic to map out the next 120 years, but I can at least reserve eight days a year.
That sounds doable.
Good.
'Cause I'm gonna work my ass off as a doctor so I can buy five season tickets to the Eagles games for the rest of our lives.
Dude, are you serious? JTP forever.
JTP forever.
- JTP forever.
- JTP forever.
Andy, your hand's so small.
Oh, yeah I need somebody Turns out the JTP really is forever.
To this day, they still go to those Eagles games, wear those same jerseys, and laugh like the old days.
That's the thing about friendship.
Whether your lifelong pals or a newly forged alliance, in the end, whatever battles and hardships you face, you can do it together.
I need somebody Yeah, what about you We all need somebody I'm here with the real Mike Levy and Dave Sirota.
They've been friends with the real Adam Goldberg since childhood.
Now, this episode is about the Highlander Club.
Is it real? Yes, we did this in high school.
It was a point of ridicule, and then became a point of fascination, and then it became a full-fledged phenomenon.
The Highlander Club actually did bring people together at our high school.
We became friends with Corbett through the Highlander Club.
We had the captain of the football team all sword playing.
I particularly liked just saying, over and over again, "There can be only one.
" - Rah! - Aah! What eventually happened to the Highlander Club? The Highlander Club was forcibly disbanded by the school administration.
I can't believe I'm in an actual school club.
Yeah, now you finally have something to put on your college résumé.
College? You blew it, Carla.
You'll rue the day you ever picked Dave Kim over me.
I'm a potential college applicant now.
Um, yeah, right.
Davey K.
respects me, listens to me, and hides from me because I terrify him.
It's so hot.
[Groans.]
Damn it! I love her! Tell me exactly what I got to do to get into a fancy college and become a rich, international man of business.
I guess you can start by going to the college fair - they have every year.
- Too much work.
I'm out.
Your advice sucks, Goldnerd.
[Sighs.]
I wish we never had that play date.