The Office (US) s06e16 Episode Script

I just wanted to check and see if there was anything you needed before I went on my maternity leave.
(CHUCKLING) Yeah.
I'm pregnant.
Great.
Well, I'll write up the order.
Wait a minute.
Okay, thanks.
You can't do that.
You cannot exploit your baby for sales.
Hey, did I tell you we're gonna have a baby? (CHUCKLES) Thank you very much.
I'm excited Oh.
Definitely.
No.
No! You need to come by your sales honorably.
There is nothing dishonorable about talking about your life.
People like it.
Hey, there.
Dwight Schrute here.
Listen, uh, would you be interested in restocking on paper? Yeah, I could sure use the money.
My cousin came down with a case of that nasty new goat fungus.
Oh, it's just horrific.
The doctor says he's never seen it beard so quickly.
Okay.
I need a baby.
I'll never outsell Jim and Pam without one.
Also, I've been noticing a gaping hole in my life.
Sometimes I wake up cradling a gourd.
Kevin, you're such a gourmand.
I cooked my way through Julia Child's cookbook, and now I'm halfway through The Twilight Cookbook.
Last night, I had Edward's cornflake chicken.
Hmm.
KEVIN: Pregnant Pam and I, we get hungry at the same times, so we've been eating together a lot.
Not all meals.
Just second breakfast, lunch, second lunch and first dinner.
I thought that maybe we should do something special for early dinner.
One last ultra feast.
Mmm.
That sounds great.
What are you thinking? I think it should be a surprise.
(GROANS) Getting there, huh? No, no.
I still have time.
I'm having contractions, but they're irregular and far apart.
So I'm not really in labor, I'm near labor.
Yeah.
We're slow-playing it because of our stupid HMO.
PAM: If we check in after midnight, I get an extra day to recuperate surrounded by doctors.
JIM: Not to mention the extra night's sleep in the hospital will be very nice, because once we bring the baby home, if it's crying all night, one of us is gonna have to take care of it, and I do not plan on helping unless it's a boy.
I cannot wait for that joke to be over.
Oh.
(EXCLAIMING) MICHAEL: Contraptions! She's contrapting! Okay, you know what? I think that I should drive you guys to the hospital, and here is why.
I am a licensed Class C driver in the state of Pennsylvania.
Michael.
I gassed up the car.
Actually, I put diesel in this time.
Tried to save some money.
Michael, you shouldn't have done that.
Happy to do it.
Also, I did a heck of a job baby-proofing this office.
You know the baby's not gonna live here, right? Well, the baby was conceived here, so might as well live here a little bit, too.
Mmm.
That logic's airtight, but unfortunately it wasn't conceived here.
Burning Man, Porta Potty.
(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST) Yuck! TMI.
How was it? I don't want to know.
Tell me later.
Let's go! Let's go! Hospital! Okay, okay, we're not going to the hospital.
We are waiting until midnight.
Ooh! Spooky.
But why? Because the insurance company only covers two nights.
Everything's fine.
We have plenty of time.
Well, you don't want to wait too long, Pam.
Otherwise the baby's gonna become a teenager in there, and you'll be up all night from the rock music.
Shut up, Nick.
God! What a weird thing to say.
Weird IT nerd.
Don't get revenge on me, nerd.
(CHUCKLES) What are you looking at? Nerd.
KELLY: Did you know that labor can last weeks? Then they take your insides out and they just plop them on a table, and sometimes epidurals don't work, and you can poop yourself.
Bear my child.
Excuse me? I want to have a child for business reasons and I want you to be the mother.
If you agree, say nothing.
If you disagree, say anything.
Very well.
Let's meet at 4:00 p.
m.
In our old meeting spot and bang it out.
(EXHALES) That's seven minutes.
Here we go.
Hold on.
Hold on.
This is happening.
It isn't midnight yet.
Are you serious? Pam.
No, the doctor said every five to seven minutes.
I'm gonna be okay.
We should really try to make it to midnight.
Pam, please.
Yeah, no, you really should, 'cause if your baby's born tomorrow, he's gonna have the same birthday as Buttmud Brooks, my old roommate.
Did you hear that? Buttmud Brooks.
Okay, but we are leaving at five minutes apart.
Five minutes apart.
So the plan was seven minutes, but we're calling an audible, because that's her call, 'cause she's the quarterback.
I'm just the left tackle who happened to get her pregnant.
(EXHALES DEEPLY) Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Okay.
Stop watching me.
Okay, Crazy.
I think I have some better things to do with my day than worry about you.
Like sell printers.
Mmm-hmm.
Well, now until Friday, 20% off all toner cartridges, that's a big deal.
While we're on the subject, why don't I just run you down to the hospital and just do a quick check? (CLICKS TONGUE) Not till midnight.
Guys, a word of advice, speaking as a former baby.
Don't get too hung up on baby names.
I was named Walter Junior after my father, until I was about six or so, when my parents changed their minds.
I thought you said your younger brother was named Walter Junior.
My brother was born and my parents felt he better exemplified the Walter Junior name, so they gave it to him.
I was given Andrew, which they got out of a baby-name book.
You know what? It's getting really crowded in here.
Maybe you guys should all go back to work 'cause the day's not out yet.
No, no, no.
You know what? You can't tell us what to do because you are not co-manager anymore.
ANDY: Yes! I feel like this noise is gonna prevent Pam from being able to listen to her body's signals.
Actually, the distractions are good.
I don't think I'm gonna make it till midnight if I'm just sitting here thinking about it.
Distractions are good! That means conference room, five minutes.
No, no, five seconds! Right now, right now, conference room.
Topic, potpourri.
Let's go! MICHAEL: Um, I'm sort of a master of distraction.
When I was a kid, my mom received compliments left and right from my teachers on how I was always able to distract others in class.
Try to think, "What were the first 13 colonies?" Mmm-hmm.
Mmm-hmm.
(IMITATES FARTING) The purpose for this meeting is to take Pam's mind off of what's going on inside of her body.
Can we do sleight-of-hand tricks? I will allow that.
Yes! Can anyone do those? I'm gonna go look at the Internet.
(PAM GROANS) (JIM EXCLAIMS) All right.
That's a good one.
PAM: (GROANS) Okay.
Sorry, guys.
Just keep talking.
Okay.
Oh, God, Pam.
You are a woman warrior.
Oh.
Thanks, Kelly.
Does anybody have anything? Anything interesting, any hobbies? Uh, special skills? Yes, this is the only time I'm ever going to make this request.
Yeah, Phyl.
Yeah.
I can put on lipstick the way Molly Ringwald does in The Breakfast Club.
No, no.
I don't think anybody wants to see that.
I can do the Evolution of Dance dance.
That sounds good.
Do you need some music or No, actually, music would just throw me off.
Okay.
I need complete silence, okay? You're clapping.
I need complete silence.
Totally threw me off, so I'm gonna have to start over.
The Evolution of Dance dance.
"You let me in your bed But now I sleep alone "Trapped with the forgotten In my detritus home" Affirmed, Seattle Slew, Secretariat, Citation, Assault, Count Fleet, Whirlaway, War Admiral, Omaha, Gallant Fox.
And I know this.
Uh, the jockey was Johnny Loftus, sired by Star Shoot.
(TYPEWRITER CLACKING) Good afternoon.
Have a seat.
What is this? Before we conceive a child, it is important that we bang out a parenting contract.
Of course.
It's been a long time since we've come down here separately.
You know, I was thinking Now then, let's get to it, shall we? Ltem one.
Child will be breastfed by the mother for exactly six months, then weaned onto a nutrient-rich, winter vegetable mash provided by the father, Dwight Schrute, hereafter referred to as Morpheus.
Agreed? Agreed.
(GROANING) Where are we? We have every six minutes, ladies and gentlemen.
Another 75 contractions and you are going to be there.
For the love of God, Pam, do it for ultra feast.
Okay, you know what? I'm gonna go give Dr.
Rezvani a quick call.
He'll probably know Jim, please, happy thoughts here.
Happy times.
Yeah, happy times.
Come on.
Let's have happy times.
All right.
Jim, as a matter of fact, I've printed out and I'm thinking we just do the opposite of those things and we can slow down your labor.
Erin, read the first one.
"Stimulate the nipples.
" Okay, nobody touch Pam's nipples.
Think of Pam's nipples as Toby's grundle.
Her shirt is touching them.
Maybe we should cut holes in her shirt.
I have a shirt like that in my car.
Okay, yeah, why don't you go get it? Okay, uh, the second one is "walk around.
" We're already doing the opposite of that.
Perfect.
Okay, number three, eat spicy foods.
Okay, the opposite of that.
Stick spicy food up her butt.
Nope.
Nope.
Nope.
Nope.
Come on.
Let's go to the hospital.
PAM: Jim.
Jim.
Pam, let's go to the hospital now.
Sweetie, I love you, but you're really distracting me from my distractions.
Mmm-hmm.
Okay, great.
Well, sorry.
Why don't you go do some work? Great.
I will do that.
Sorry, Pam, I just feel a little bit frazzled, and you know how very rarely I use that word.
I know.
JIM: "Frazzled.
" You don't like to be frazzled.
No, I don't.
PAM: Okay.
Oh.
And by the way, hate that you're helping her with this right now.
Totally.
(EXCLAIMS) Someone's freaking.
Getting a little frazzled.
(ALL LAUGHING) Yeah, he is.
JIM: I know Pam better than anyone in this office, and obviously she's gone crazy, but everybody wants to say that I'm crazy.
But I'm not crazy.
She's crazy.
I'm not crazy.
She's crazy.
"Five to seven minutes.
" "Five to seven minutes.
" "Six minutes.
" Different, but not really.
"Five to seven minutes.
" (SIGHS) Acceptable names include, and are limited to, Ebenezer.
Jebediah.
Honus.
Jedediah.
Worf.
No Star Trek names.
Okay.
Fine.
What if it's a girl? Irrelevant question.
Section 5A.
"Child shall be male.
" Hey.
Uh-uh.
I cannot control that.
You can't put that in here.
Yes, you can.
No.
It's as simple as keeping the womb extremely warm for two days after sex, and then extremely cold for five months.
Absolutely not.
Hey.
Hey.
Oh.
I'm not gonna get in the car, 'cause I know if I do, you'll try to drive me to the hospital.
Ah! You know me too well.
(CHUCKLES) Okay, Jim.
Yeah.
Everything is fine.
Totally.
You don't have to worry.
Try not to think about it.
She's not coming out for a while, okay? Did you say "she"? I called the doctor, like, a week ago.
I couldn't wait.
Oh, God, don't be mad.
Mad? How could I be mad? We're having a little girl.
Mmm-hmm.
Wow.
We're having a little girl.
(LAUGHS) (EXCLAIMS) Man! I know.
Whoo! All right.
Well, I definitely feel better.
Good.
Yeah.
All right.
Okay.
Hey, did you change? Oh, yeah.
My water broke.
Oh.
(PAM CHUCKLES) Oh.
Oh! Whoa! Pam? Pam! Okay.
All right.
Okay, it's time.
Time to go to the hospital.
Somebody get Jim, please.
Is it midnight yet? No, it's 4:35.
made it.
Almost made it.
Too bad you didn't have sex, like, seven-and-a-half hours later.
But you had to have the afternoon delight.
I understand.
Sometimes you have to go for it.
Let's go to the hospital, shall we? No.
Not yet, Michael.
MICHAEL: We can do it.
Oh, wow! It's almost time for ultra feast.
Where's Kevin? What? You want to eat cat food with Kevin and not go to the hospital? That's Fancy Feast.
Ultra feast is something they made up so they can pig out together in the name of ceremony.
What is October Feast? There is no rush to get to the hospital.
I'm fine.
I'll get there.
And if I don't get there, I don't get there.
Our ultra feast menu's theme, Hollywood.
We have ratatouille from Ratatouille, and tandoori chicken from Born Into Brothels.
I tried to bake a cake like that District 9 prawn thing, but I Are you okay? Mmm.
Yes.
I'm fine.
Are you sure? Yeah, the doctor said that it's still considered a minor contraction as long as I can talk through it.
(GROANING) Okay.
Okay.
Jim? I think this feast is over JIM: All right.
and it's time to go to the hospital.
Time to go.
No.
That's right.
Let's do this.
Let's give it a shot.
No, it's better.
JIM: Here we go.
That wasn't even the worst of them.
I'm fine.
JIM: Hey, come on.
They're not that bad still.
Let's go to the hospital.
Pam.
No, it's passing, it's fine.
Pam, it's time.
Let's go to the hospital.
Let's go, Pam.
It's okay.
Michael says we should go now.
Yeah, I think we should head out.
PAM: It's fine.
Pam.
You know what? It passed.
It's good.
Absolutely fine.
Come on.
Let's go.
We gotta go.
Babe, I'm not going.
We need to go.
It's fine.
Hey, come on.
We really gotta go.
No.
I'm not going! I am not going, okay? All right.
I'm not going today because I can't do it! I don't think I can do it! Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Are you kidding me? Are you kidding? If anyone can do this, you can do this.
You can do this.
You can do this.
Pam, I'm scared.
I'm real scared.
I'm scared, too.
I'm petrified.
But the best news is, we're gonna have a baby today.
Yeah.
A really awesome baby.
We're gonna have a baby.
So let's have it at the hospital.
Let's do that.
How are we doing on contractions? Two minutes apart.
Two minutes.
Oh, God.
Oh, no.
I thought I told you MICHAEL: It's okay.
No, I told you to warn me at five minutes.
PAM: Jim, we waited too long.
I know.
We waited too long.
Two minutes doesn't do us any good.
What happened to four and three? MICHAEL: We're okay, Jim.
Okay, Pamela, you know what time it is? I don't want to have my baby here.
You know You're not going to.
You know where you're going? The hospital.
Yes you are, and you know what you're gonna have? A baby.
Yes.
We're going to the hospital and we're gonna have a baby.
I got it! I got it! Everybody, it's go time! Action station! Stanley, man the phones! Meredith, please grab a bottle of water.
Erin, call an ambulance, please! DWIGHT: No, no, no.
Ambulances are emergencies only.
You call the ambulance, I call the cops.
All right, we're driving ourselves, actually.
MICHAEL: No, Jim.
You are in no condition to drive.
I will drive you.
Check.
Got it.
All right, I have my wallet.
MICHAEL: Yes.
Go bag's in the car.
Go bag? Where's my go bag? JIM: Keys.
I need my keys! Where's my go bag? There's nothing in it.
You are telling me now that there is nothing in it! Okay, great.
Should I bring a dictionary to the hospital? The hospital will provide dictionaries.
Bring the thesaurus.
Did anyone check how dilated she is? This is ridiculous.
Dwight, get away.
No, no, no, Dwight, let Jim do that, please.
Okay? I didn't know we had a tape measure.
"We" don't.
Okay, I can't find my keys! I cannot find my keys! Found them.
They're here.
Here we go.
Here we go.
MICHAEL: Here we go! PHYLLIS: Good luck! ANDY: Good luck, Pam.
KEVIN: Bye, Pam.
Thank you! Wish me luck! (CLAPPING) CREED: Have fun! (SIGHING) Hey, it's 5:00.
Here we go.
Here we go.
On our way.
STANLEY: Hold it.
MICHAEL: Come on, Stanley.
Okay.
We're going now.
No.
One more.
Can I No, no, no, no! Out, out, out! Idiot! Dwight, what is the traffic like? Doesn't matter.
I'll escort you! MICHAEL: All right.
(TIRES SCREECHING) (MICHAEL EXCLAIMS) Let's go! MICHAEL: Easy, Dwight.
Michael! What? Michael! What? This is where I saw that deer last week.
Where? Right over by that fence.
By the bushes? Okay, Michael, focus! Okay, go, go, go! Guys, come on! DWIGHT: Let's go! DWIGHT: I love escorting people.
In fact, a few years back, I put an ad in the paper starting an escort service.
Got a lot of responses.
Mostly creeps.
Made a few friends.
All right, here we go.
You're doing great.
Okay, just breathe.
(PAM GROANING) She'll be here soon.
She? You found out? Come on, guys.
I wanted to be surprised.
Michael! Yeah? Stop texting.
Put your phone away! Michael, come on! I'm texting about you, okay? PAM: Come on! (DWIGHT GROANS) All right.
Let's move! (CAR HORN HONKING) (POLICE SIREN SOUNDING) What? POLICE OFFICER: Pull over.
You're kidding me! Pull over.
You're not allowed to impersonate a police officer.
Don't make this difficult, Dwight.
Wait! Wait, my iPod's not in here.
Okay.
It has the birth song on it.
Okay, I know, but my iPod is in the go bag.
We'll be fine.
Jim, I don't want the first thing the baby hears to be the 8 Mile soundtrack.
Okay, so what do you want to do? I don't know.
Let's go by the house and get it.
It's only 20 minutes past the hospital.
Pam, no.
Are you nuts? We're going to the hospital now.
Guys, guys, stop fighting.
Come on.
Come on.
Do you want your kid to come out a lawyer? (CHUCKLES) Right? Okay, you know what? I am all over this.
Here we go.
Ready? (CELL PHONE RINGING) Dwight Schrute.
Hello, Dwight.
Pam left her iPod at her house.
I want you to swing by, pick it up and bring it to the hospital.
We need it yesterday.
Then why didn't you ask me to do it yesterday? I kept IM-ing you how bored I was.
Okay.
Dwight! Go to my house, get my iPod.
I think it's on the kitchen table.
Do not touch anything else.
The key is under I don't need a key.
Okay, Dwight, but if you do need a key, just listen, it's under the No, don't.
Don't.
Don't tell me.
(JABBERING) Dwight, just listen.
It's underneath Okay.
You all right? Yeah.
Do you have everything, guys? Michael, just go park the car.
Okay.
All right.
Sir! Dunder Mifflin.
It's okay.
You can't park here.
(MICHAEL GRUNTS) I just did.
Pam's doing great.
Uh, she's 10 inches dilated now.
Sorry, meters Centimeters.
And she's also fully effaced, which I don't know what that is.
But no baby yet.
It's only been six Nineteen hours.
And I was sent out for some ice chips because I might have passed out a little bit, but these are very refreshing, very Daddy? She's ready to push.
Okay! Where's my little niblet? Halpert, room D1.
All right.
Family only beyond this point.
Thank you.
Here we go.
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING) (PAM SCREAMING) JIM: Doing great.
Push again! DOCTOR: Not yet.
JIM: No, don't push.
Pull! Pull! JOSIE: Why don't you get some more ice chips? PAM: No, Jim, stay! JIM: Okay.
Really push this time, Pam.
PAM: Okay.
(PAM SCREAMING) (EXCLAIMS) Nope.
Not yet.
Not yet.
Not yet.
Gotta go wash my eyes.
That kid's gonna have a lot of hair.
Have you guys seen her? She hasn't popped yet.
What? Damn it! She was supposed to come out yesterday.
I decided to give Baby Halpert the newspaper from the day she was born.
This frame set me back 55 bones.
But she decided to take her sweet time, so now I have to switch it with today's paper.
This is ridiculous.
We just can't wait here.
I think it's gonna be any minute now.
But you don't know that.
We could be here another half an hour.
Phyllis, what could you possibly have to do? I have an ice cream cake in the car.
Oh, my God! Go! Go! Go! Are you insane? All right.
Guys? Hello? DOCTOR: You're doing great.
Just relax.
Um Sorry to be a bother, but if we could have an ETA when this is gonna (PAM SCREAMING) You're kind of losing them.
PAM: God! JIM: Oh, my God.
Look at her.
The baby, she's so beautiful.
Oh, my God.
PAM: Oh, my God.
(BABY CRYING) (MOCKINGLY) Yeah, that's right.
It's a baby, see? ORDERLY: Sir.
Sir, you can't smoke that in here.
Okay.
Put it out.
All right.
Can't smoke anywhere these days.
She's incredible.
You want to count her fingers and toes again? No, let's let her rest.
I'm sure there are still 12 of each.
Okay.
MICHAEL: Guys, guys! Her name is Cecelia Marie Halpert.
Eleven pounds, four She's seven pounds, two ounces, 18 inches.
Seven pounds.
Mother and daughter are doing great.
(ALL CHEERING) Congratulations.
That's great.
(EXCLAIMS) HELENE: There.
Hey, Grandma's back.
Well, it was an adventure and a half trying to find the cafeteria, but I have returned with the coffee.
Great.
Thank God.
I haven't had caffeine in nine months.
HELENE: May I? PAM: Yes.
(CECELIA COOING) Somebody has a full diaper.
Oh.
Let me get it.
JIM: I am a diapering master.
I have done little else in the past two months.
There is nothing I cannot diaper.
Go ahead.
Try to think of something.
I dare you.
(MEOWING) MICHAEL: (MOCKINGLY) Where's the baby? I want to see the baby.
Oh! Oh.
Helene, hi.
Oh, my goodness.
What are the odds of this? Congratulations on being a grandma.
Hello, Michael.
Hello.
Oh.
How are you? I worry about you.
You know, I think it's time for me to go.
Oh.
Okay.
Love you.
Love you as a friend.
Love you, Mom.
(GASPS) MICHAEL: Oh! (MOCKINGLY) I want to hold the baby.
Okay, you just have to use the hand sanitizer first.
Oh, right.
PAM: Again.
No pants.
Oh.
Okay.
Ready? Mmm-hmm.
Oh, wow.
(CHUCKLES) Michael.
Michael.
That's so weird.
She was saying it just before you got here.
DWIGHT: Yesterday I was dispatched to Jim and Pam's house to find Pam's iPod.
I searched everywhere, but I didn't find it.
What I did find was mold, and lots of it.
So, I did what anyone would do.
I read a book, had a bath, I got a good night's sleep, and I made plans to eradicate it.
I also made plans to ask Jim where he bought his marvelous sheets.
Time to get to work.
There she sat.
Her name was Pam.
She was a receptionist.
She was engaged to an animal.
There sat Jim.
He was a gawky, tall salesman.
The odds of them getting together were insurmountainable.
I made a family.
I got these two together and I made a family.
This man has a gift.
Who else here is single? I'm not single.
I have a man.
I am offering up my services to you all.
You saw what I did with Pam and Jim.
I can help you, too.
Why don't you find someone for yourself instead of meddling in our affairs? Okay, show of hands.
Who wants to live in a world where Stanley has two lovers and you don't have any? Who else? Come on.
People, I know models.
(CHUCKLES) Plus-size models, maybe.
(LAUGHS) You got that right.
Meredith? Come on.
You're obviously single.
You know it.
I am never getting married.
Like Clooney.
Andrew? What about you? Torn scrotum.
Still on the mend, so (EXCLAIMS) Not good timing.
Yes, I'm gonna ask out Erin.
I'm just waiting for the stars to align.
Literally.
I have a small skylight in my bedroom, and I'd like for the moon to be visible.
Well, when you least expect it, expect it.
I am going to fill the empty voids in your life with love.
I am going to fill that empty hole in your body with another person.
And like Cupid, I am going to shoot you with love.
(IMITATES GUN FIRING) (EXCLAIMS) (SCREAMS) (IMITATES EXPLOSION) (COOING) Remember yesterday, when we were terrified of being parents? We were just kids.
What did we know? Hey, how we doing? Good.
Great.
Would you like me to take her to the nursery for the night? Doesn't she sleep here? She can.
But a lot of parents choose to have the baby spend the first night in the nursery to get some rest.
You've been through a lot.
I think we'll be okay.
Okay, great.
(YAWNING) (PAM EXCLAIMS) Big yawn.
(CRYING) Ready, one, two, three.
PAM: One, and then wrap around.
It's okay.
I don't understand.
Hold that arm down.
I can't.
She's too strong.
Careful, though.
You don't want to break it.
She's not going to Just I got it.
All right.
PAM: Go.
Go.
I'm done.
Nurse? How you doing? I don't know.
I just I can't tell if she's getting anything.
Really? It doesn't feel right.
Well, you're pushing the milk out, right? How would one do that? Well, isn't it kind of like Like that? Do you want to try it, Jim? Mmm-mmm.
I think you're good.
Doing a good job.
(CECELIA CRYING) Somebody buzzed? Oh, really? Must have sat on it, Pam.
I can't tell if she's getting anything.
It just doesn't really feel right.
Well, maybe we should take a break for a little while.
I can take her to the nursery and then bring her back and try again a little bit later.
Even if she's not getting anything? Yeah, she'll be fine.
I can always give her a bottle once we're in the nursery.
No.
I read in the book about nipple confusion.
Oh, good.
You know everything.
I mean, she's just really tentative about latching, and I just want to keep her self-esteem up.
I'll bring her back in a little while and we can try again, okay? All right.
All right.
It's gonna be all right.
Yeah, maybe it'll be good 'cause then she can, like, socialize with the other babies.
(LAUGHING) No, yeah, that would be good.
You wanted to see me? What would you say if I told you that I was about to change your life? Oh, boy! (KEVIN MUMBLING) What's that sound? Ta-da! I would like you to meet your new boyfriend.
Yes.
I don't know what to say.
Say nothing.
You will learn to love me.
Okay, hold on.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! You got to let the cookies cool before you pop them in your mouth.
Okay.
Why don't you guys get to know each other, maybe have lunch together? Erin, would you have lunch with me? Okay.
MICHAEL: Good.
Yes! Michael, can I talk to you privately? Sure.
Kevin, please leave.
Bye.
MICHAEL: Bye.
I'm so sorry if I gave you the impression that I'm into Kevin, but I'm not.
I like Andy.
(SIGHS) Okay.
This is going to kill Kevin.
I'm sure he'll be fine.
I'm not so sure.
Kevin has an enormous heart.
Literally, he has an elephant heart.
He had a transplant when he was 17.
Had some problems (JABBERING) Really? No.
Kevin doesn't have an elephant heart, but he is very sensitive, and it won't kill Erin to just go and have lunch with him in the break room, like I promised him.
I bet his heart is enlarged, though.
I don't want anyone to die.
Just don't let him sit on you.
(LAUGHING) I'm kidding.
You'll have fun.
It'll be good.
It'll be good.
There he is.
Go to him.
(CHUCKLES) Hi.
Hi.
Nice.
She touched my shoulder.
Hey, guys.
We're short on rooms, so this is Dale and Kathy.
Oh.
Hi.
Hi.
Sorry.
Hi.
So sorry.
Careful.
(SOFTLY) Wow, she just shoves the nipple right in there.
I know.
Did you see that? I'm pretty sure she's Hey.
(LOUD MUSIC PLAYING) Did you grow up around here? No.
So, you must have grown up around somewhere else? Yes.
Why was I hiding behind the plant? Well, in college I took a botany class, and there was lots of drama in that class.
Uh Kids would gossip about me, so I would eavesdrop on them by hiding behind different plants in the botany class.
And then they would say things like, "Oh, this guy's gonna fail this class," or, "What's this guy doing spying on us from behind plants?" And then I would jump out at them and confront them and be like, "You think all I do is hide behind plants and spy on people? Busted.
" Oh.
The reason? The reason I was hiding behind that plant in this situation was that I thought that Erin and Kevin were kind of hitting it off, and I was jealous.
Uh, hi.
Pam Halpert? Yes.
Hi, I'm Clarke.
Josie said you might benefit from a lactation consultant.
JIM: Yep.
Um, yeah, that would be great.
Really great.
When's she available? Actually, I'm the consultant.
(CHUCKLES) Got milk? (CHUCKLING) All right, let's see what we're working with.
(CLEARS THROAT) So, the biggest thing besides not being able to get her to latch I'll get that for you.
Oh, thank you.
is that I can't tell if I'm really producing.
I don't know if she's getting anything.
Let me feel here.
Okay.
CLARKE: Yeah, it's quite full.
Why don't you put your hand on top of my hand? PAM: Okay.
When you're feeding you want to press in like this, make your hand in a C.
Does that hurt? No, it feels pressure.
Okay.
You sure it doesn't hurt? No.
It just feels like pressure.
CLARKE: Feel how I'm flicking the nipple? PAM: Mmm-hmm.
Like that? It's stimulated.
Mmm-hmm.
Yep.
Yep.
PAM: Mmm-hmm.
CLARKE: So you just want to do that and that will Perfect.
CLARKE: The baby should grab onto that.
I think she will.
I'm just not sure if I'm releasing, though.
I'm not sure if We'll figure it out, probably.
CLARKE: It doesn't Why don't you bring your baby over here? Okay.
She's beautiful.
Yes.
Oh, thank you.
Congratulations.
Thank you.
Well, you're doing a good job.
Just stay relaxed and I'll come back in a bit to check on you.
Okay? Okay.
Please do.
Oh, shoot.
Shoot, she fell off.
Oh.
Uh Try the torpedo thing.
Will you just grab Clarke real quick? No need.
I saw him do it.
I can try it.
Jim, please, please, please.
I think it would be weird if you did it.
That makes sense.
I'll just go get the other guy.
DWIGHT ON PHONE: Hey, what's up, kid? Have you had a chance to look over the revisions on the contract I prepared for you? Nothing left to do except dot the I's, the J's and the umlauts.
Why don't you meet me here at exactly mid-late afternoon? I look forward to it.
Very well.
Goodbye.
(BABY CRYING) Jim.
Jim, get her.
Hmm? Get the baby.
Get her, come on.
JIM: Okay.
(SHUSHING) I know, I know.
Okay.
Come here.
All right.
I got her.
(SIGHING) Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Jim.
She latched.
She latched! That's amazing.
Oh, my God.
I didn't even have to do the C thing.
That's awesome.
Oh! We're doing it.
That's great.
We're really parents now.
Kevin, Erin would like a few words with you.
Hey.
Hi.
I've really enjoyed our time together.
Yeah.
Me, too.
I want to continue working on our friendship It was really, really fun.
'cause I think our friendship could be a really cool thing.
Yeah.
Me, too.
And you're my friend.
Yeah.
I hope that I'm your friend.
Yeah.
And Oh, my God.
This is agonizing.
Look, Kevin, do you really think that you could have dated Erin? You said she liked me.
Okay, even if someone told you that, you should know that that could never be possible, Kevin.
And I'm surprised that you didn't question me in the first place.
I've done better than Erin.
No, you haven't.
Lynn was way hotter than Erin, Michael.
Lynn was as hot as Erin.
Yeah, Michael, but you dated Holly and Jan and they were so much hotter than you.
This isn't about me, and that is debatable, and I have a personality, whereas you Yes, Andy? (THUD) (GROANS) Kev.
Nice going.
Knock-knock.
Oh, hey, Isabel.
Oh, hey.
Pam, she's gorgeous.
Can I hold her? Yes.
She was a little fussy earlier, but she's totally quieted down.
Here.
Let me just burp her.
I don't want her to spit up on you.
ISABEL: Look at you.
Come here, sweetie.
(GASPS) Oh, my God.
JIM: What? Wrong baby.
What? Wrong baby.
This is not our baby! Oh, my God.
(SHUSHING) (CECELIA COOING) Oh.
(CRYING) Has she been fussing long? No.
Not at all.
Perfect.
I was out like a light.
Hey! She's not hungry.
(BABY CONTINUES CRYING) How's it going? Well, I feel like she needs to eat, but she just won't latch on, which is weird, because the other baby (LAUGHING) Bottles are fine.
A lot of babies grow up using bottles.
So, you excited to take your baby home? We definitely are.
At 3:00, right? You said we could stay until 3:00? Yeah.
You can.
It's 2:35.
Half hour.
Well, 25 minutes.
(CHUCKLING) And you're all set with the car seat? Yes.
Car seat's right there.
That bottom part needs to go in the car.
Newsflash, the whole thing needs to go in the car.
(CHUCKLES) Be back in 25 minutes.
Or it can be a half hour, if you need it to be.
Can we get a late checkout? I don't think she heard me.
Hello? Dwight? What What are you doing here? Isabel, hello.
Yeah, the kitchen was disgusting, so Wow.
New cabinets.
Yeah.
All I did was bring macaroni and cheese.
(BOTH CHUCKLING) Where's the fridge? Oh, it's in the backyard.
I'll take this.
(INHALES DEEPLY) Well, I'll let you get back to it.
Hey, listen, I know that I'm an adult, but maybe I could come by sometime for a teeth cleaning? You know, just for fun.
Well, adults are supposed to go to the dentist, too.
Are they, now? (CHUCKLES) How some people spend their money, right? Yeah.
All right.
I'll call you, kid.
Do that.
You really sure we should be leaving? Yeah.
(CRYING) But you hear the baby crying, right? Mmm-hmm.
Where's your car? It's in the lot.
A lot of fathers bring the car around.
Right.
Okay.
Yes.
That would be a smart thing to do.
Uh, Pam, I will be right back.
Okay, please hurry.
Erin, I need you to send this fax immediately.
It's really important, so I'm gonna stand here and wait for the confirmation.
Okay.
Good.
The fax says, "Erin, will you have dinner with me? From, Andy.
" And the number is our office fax number.
(FAX MACHINE BEEPING) It's busy.
Why don't I keep trying and then I'll give you the confirmation in a bit? (MUMBLES) Sorry.
That's unacceptable.
I need you to send it immediately or you're fired.
You can't talk to me like that.
I didn't do anything wrong.
(SOBBING) I've been having a tough day.
Oh, God, no.
Um Just read the fax.
You read the fax.
I'm asking you out.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, my God.
That's amazing! Let me just fax this and I'll check my planner.
So, it's a date? Yes! Do you have a day in mind? ANDY: Yeah, what day? What day? ERIN: Every day is fine.
ANDY: What's that one? ERIN: Thursday? Okay.
Let's do it.
ERIN: (CHUCKLES) We Okay! Would you like me to help you up out of the chair? Oh, yeah.
Sorry.
We've just got a lot of discharges today.
Okay.
Okay.
Thanks.
All right, thanks.
All right.
(CECELIA CRYING) Hey.
You want to eat? You want to try eating? Okay.
Okay.
Come here.
Just you and me.
Just you and me.
Come on.
(CRYING STOPS) There we go.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah! Like that.
Oh.
There we go.
You got it.
Five tickets on the windshield.
Hey.
Hi.
We did it.
You used my move, didn't you? I used a variation of your move.
(LAUGHS) MICHAEL: There is no greater feeling than when two people who are perfect for each other overcome all obstacles and find true love.
And that's what I thought that Erin and Kevin were going to find today.
I think I'm going to be sick.
Two forms of ID, please.
(CLEARS THROAT) And now you.
Two forms of ID, please.
All right, all is in order.
I just need your signature.
What is it? Nothing.
All right.
How would you like to celebrate? Just pour yourself a cup of apple juice.
I feel sick.
What? I couldn't find your iPod.
Give me a couple days.
Be out of your hair.
I'm checking if there's anything you needed before I went on my maternity leave.
I'm pregnant.
Great.
- I'll write up the order.
- Wait.
- Thanks.
- You can't do that.
You cannot exploit your baby for sales.
Did I tell you we're going to have a baby? Thank you very much.
I'm excite Definitely.
You need to come by your sales honorably.
There is nothing dishonorable about talking about you.
People like it.
Hey, there.
Dwight Schrute here.
Listen, would you be interested in restocking on paper? I could sure use the money.
My cousin came down with a case of that nasty new goat fungus.
It's just horrific.
The doctor says he's never seen it beard so quickly.
I need a baby.
I'll never outsell Jim and Pam without one.
Also, I've been noticing a gaping hole in my life.
Sometimes I wake up cradling a gourd.
Collioure Jarick Arrow Titou Sk0r Yomoy BrJk The Ni.
Knight Épisode 6x16-17 The Delivery Kevin, you're such a gourmand.
I cooked my way through Julia Child's cookbook, and now I'm halfway through the Twilight cookbook.
Last night, I had Edward's cornflake chicken.
Pregnant Pam and I, we get hungry at the same times, so we've been eating together a lot Not all meals, just second breakfast, lunch, second lunch, and first dinner.
I thought that maybe we should do something special for early dinner, one last ultra-feast.
That's great.
What are you thinking? I think it should be a surprise.
Getting here? I still have time.
I'm having contractions, but they're irregular and far apart.
So I'm not really in labor, I'm near labor.
We're slow-playing it because of our stupid HMO.
After midnight, I get an extra day to recuperate, surrounded by doctors.
Not to mention the extra night's sleep will be very nice, because once we bring the baby home, if it's crying all night, one of us is gonna have to take care of it.
And I do not plan on helping unless it's a boy.
I cannot wait for that joke to be over.
"Contraptions!".
She's "contrapting".
You know what? I should drive you guys to the hospital, and here is why.
I am a licensed class "C" driver in the state of Pennsylvania.
I gas up the car.
I put diesel in this time Try to save some money.
- You shouldn't do it.
- Happy.
Also, I did a heck of a job baby-proofing this office.
You know the baby's not gonna live here? The baby was conceived here, so it might as well live here a bit too.
That logic's airtight, unfortunately, it wasn't conceived here.
Burning man, port-a-potty.
How was it? I don't want to know.
Tell me later.
Let's go! Hospital! We're not going to the hospital.
We are waiting until midnight.
Spooky.
But why? Because the insurance company only covers two nights.
Everything's fine.
We have plen of time.
You don't want to wait too long.
The baby'll become a teenager, and you'll be up all night - from the rock music.
- Shut up, Nick.
God! What a weird thing to say, weird I.
T.
nerd.
Don't get revenge on me, nerd.
What are you looking at? Nerd.
Did you know that labor can last weeks? They take your insides out, and they just plop 'em on a table.
And sometimes epidurals don't work.
And you can poop yourself.
Bear my child.
Excuse me? I want a child for business reasons, and I want you to be the mother.
If you agree, say nothing.
If you disagree, say anything.
Very well.
Let's meet at 4:00 p.
m.
at our old meeting spot and bang it out.
That's seven minutes.
Here we go.
- This is happening.
- It isn't midnight yet.
Are you serious? The doctor said every five to seven minutes.
I'm gonna be okay.
We should try to make it to midnight.
Please.
You really should, 'cause if your baby's born tomorrow, he's gonna have the same birthday as Buttmud Brooks, my old roommate.
Did you hear that? Buttmud Brooks.
Okay, but we are leaving at five minutes apart.
Five minutes apart.
So the plan was seven minutes.
But we're calling an audible, because that's her call, 'cause she's the quarterback.
I'm just the left tackle who happened to get her pregnant.
Stop watching me.
Okay, crazy.
I have some better things to do with my day, like sell printers.
Now till friday, That's a big deal.
While we're on, why don't I run you down to the hospital - do a quick check? - Not till midnight.
Guys A word of advice, speaking as a former baby.
Don't get too hung up on baby names.
I was named Walter Jr.
, after my father, until I was about six or so, when my parents changed their minds.
You said it was your younger brother.
My brother was born, my parents felt he better exemplified this name, so they gave it to him.
I was given "Andrew," which they got out of a baby-name book.
- How's it going? - It's getting really crowded in here.
You should go back to work, 'cause the day's not out yet.
You know what? You can't tell us what to do because you are not co-manager anymore.
I feel like this noise is gonna prevent Pam from being able to listen to her body's signals.
Actually, the distractions are good.
I'm not gonna make it till midnight if I'm sitting here thinking.
Distractions are good! That means conference room, five minutes.
Five seconds! Right now, conference room.
Topic Potpourri.
Let's go.
I'm sort of a master of distraction.
When I was a kid, my mom received compliments left and right from my teachers on how I was always able to distract others in class.
Try to think what were the first 13 colonies? The purpose for this meeting is to take Pam's mind off of what's going on in her body.
- Can we do sleight-of-hand tricks? - I will allow that.
Can anyone do those? I'm gonna go look at the internet.
All right.
That's a good one.
Sorry, guys.
Keep talking.
You are a woman warrior.
Thanks, Kelly.
Does anybody have anything Anything interesting, any hobbies, special skills? This is the only time I'll make this request.
I can put on lipstick the way Molly Ringwald does in the breakfast club.
I don't think anybody wants.
I can do the "evolution of dance" dance.
That sounds good.
Do you need some music or? Actually, music would just throw me off.
I need complete silence, okay? You're clapping.
I need complete silence.
Totally threw me off, so I'm gonna have to start over.
"Evolution of dance" dance.
"You let me in your bed, "but now I sleep alone, "trapped with the forgotten in my detritus home.
" Affirmed, Seattle slew, secretariat, citation, assault, count fleet, whirlaway, war admiral, Omaha, Gallant Fox I know this.
The jockey was Johnny Loftus, sired by Star Shoot.
Good afternoon.
Have a seat.
What is it? Before we conceive a child, it is important that we bang out a parenting contract.
Of course.
It's been a long time since we've come down here separately.
- I was thinking - Let's get to it, shall we? "Item one, child will be breast-fed by the mother "for six months, then weaned "onto a nutrient-rich winter-vegetable mash "provided by the father, Dwight Schrute, here after referred to as Morpheus.
" Agreed? Agreed.
Where are we? We have every six minutes, ladies and gentlemen.
Another and you are going to be there.
For the love of God, Pam, do it for ultra-feast! You know what? I'll give Dr.
Rezvani a quick call.
- He'll know - Happy thoughts here, happy times.
Happy times.
Come on.
Let's have happy times.
Jim, as a matter of fact I printed out ten ways to induce labor.
And I'm thinking we just do the opposite of those things, we can slow down your labor.
Erin, read the first one.
"Stimulate the nipples".
Nobody touch Pam's nipples.
Think of Pam's nipples as Toby's grundle.
Her shirt is touching them.
Maybe we should cut holes in her shirt.
I have a shirt like that in my car.
Why don't you go get it? The second one is "walk around".
We're already doing the opposite of that Perfect.
Three, "eat spicy foods".
The opposite Stick spicy food up her butt.
Let's go to the hospital now.
I love you, but you're distracting me from my distractions.
Great.
Well, sorry.
- Why don't you work? - I will do that.
Sorry.
I feel a bit frazzled.
And you know how very rarely I use that word.
I know.
You don't like to be frazzled.
I don't.
By the way, hate that you're helping her with this right now.
Totally.
- Someone's freaking.
- A little frazzled.
He is.
I know Pam better than anyone in here, and obviously she's gone crazy.
But everybody wants to say that I'm crazy.
But no.
She's crazy.
I'm not crazy, she's crazy.
"Five to seven minutes.
" "Five to seven minutes.
" "Six minutes.
" Different, but not really.
"Five to seven minutes.
" "Acceptable names include and are limited to Ebenezer " - Jebediah.
- "Honus.
" Jedediah.
"Worf.
" No Star Trek names.
Fine.
- What if it's a girl? - Irrelevant question.
Section 5-a, "child shall be male.
" I cannot control that.
You can't put that in here.
You can.
It's as simple as keeping the womb extremely warm for two days after sex and then extremely cold for five months.
Absolutely not.
I won't get in the car, because you'll try to drive me to the hospital.
You know me too well.
Everything is fine.
Don't worry.
Try not to think about it.
She's not coming out for a while, okay? Did you say "she"? I called the doctor a week ago.
I couldn't wait.
God, don't be mad.
Mad? How could I be mad? We're having a little girl.
We're having a little girl.
I know.
All right.
- Well, I definitely feel better.
- Good.
All right.
Did you change? My water broke.
All right.
It's time Time to go to the hospital.
Somebody get Jim, please.
Is it midnight yet? No, it's 4:35.
Right.
Almost made it.
Almost made it.
Too bad you didn't have sex, like, 7 and 1/2 hours later.
But you'd to have the afternoon delight.
Sometimes you have to go for it.
- Let's go to the hospital, shall we? - Not yet, Michael.
- We can - It's almost time for ultra-feast! Where's Kevin? What? You want to eat cat food with Kevin and not go to the hospital? That's Fancy Feast.
"Ultra-feast" is something they made up so they can pig out in the name of ceremony.
What is Octoberfeast? There's no rush to get to the hospital.
I am fine.
I'll get there.
And if I don't get there, I don't get there.
Our ultra-feast menu's theme Hollywood.
We have ratatouille from Ratatouille, and Tandoori chicken from Born into Brothels.
I tried to bake a cake like that District 9 prawn thing, but I Are you okay? I'm fine.
- Are you sure? - The doctor said that it's still concidered a minor contraction as long as I can talk through it! I think this feast is over, and it's time to go to the hospital.
- Time to go? - That's right.
- Let's give it a shot.
- It's better.
That wasn't even the worst of 'em I'm fine.
- Go to the hospital.
- They're not that bad still.
- No, it's passing.
It's fine.
- Let's go to the hospital.
- Michael says we should go now.
- Yeah, I think we should head out.
- It passed.
It's good.
- You know what? I'm not asking anymore.
- Babe, I'm not going.
- We need to go.
Come on, come on! No, I'm not going! I am not going, okay? I'm not going today! Because I can't do it.
I don't think I can do it.
Are you kidding me? Are you kidding? If anyone can do this, you can do this.
You can do this.
You can do this.
Pam, I'm scared.
I'm real scared.
- I'm scared too.
- I'm petrified.
But the best news is we're gonna have a baby today A really awesome baby.
We're gonna have a baby.
- So let's have it at the hospital.
- Let's do that.
- How we doing on contractions? - Two minutes apart.
- I told you - It's okay.
I told you to warn me at 5 minutes.
We waited too long.
We waited too long.
Two minutes doesn't do us any good.
- What happened to four and three? - We're okay.
- Pamela, you know what time it is? - I don't want to have my baby here.
You're not.
You know where you're going.
- The hospital.
- Yes.
And what you're gonna have? A baby.
We're gonna have a baby in hospital.
I got it! Everybody, it's go time! Action stations! Stanley, man the phones.
Meredith, please, a bottle of water.
- Erin, call an ambulance, please.
- Ambulances are emergencies only.
You call the ambulance, I call the cops.
- We're driving ourselves, actually.
- You are in no condition to drive.
I will drive you! Check! Got it! All right, I have my wallet.
- Go-bag's in the car.
- Where's my go-bag? - Keys I need my keys! - There's nothing in it.
You are telling me now that there is nothing in it! Great! - Should I bring a dictionary? - The hospital will provide them.
- Bring a thesaurus.
- Has anyone checked how dilated she is? - This is ridiculous.
- Get away.
Let Jim do that, please.
- I didn't know we had a tape measure.
- We don't.
I can't find my keys.
I cannot find my keys! Found 'em.
They're here.
- Here we go! - Here we go! Good luck! Wish me luck! Have fun! It's 5:00.
Here we go! Here we go! On our way! - Hold it! - Come on, Stanley.
- We're goin' now.
- One more Out! Out! Idiot.
- What is the traffic like? - Doesn't matter.
I'll escort you! All right.
Jeez! Let's go! Easy, Dwight! This is where I saw that deer last week.
- Where? - Right over by that fence.
- By the bushes? - Michael, focus! - Okay, go, go! - Guys, come on! Let's go! I love escorting people.
In fact, a few years back, I put an ad in the paper starting an escort service.
Got a lot of responses Mostly creeps.
Made a few friends.
- Here we go.
You're doing great! - Just breathe.
- She'll be here soon.
- She? You found out? Come on, guys.
I wanted to be surprised.
- Stop texting! - Michael, come on! I'm texting about you, okay? All right Let's move! - Pull over! - You're kidding me! Pull over! You're not allowed to impersonate a police officer.
Don't make this difficult, Dwight.
Wait Wait! My iPod's not in here! It has the birth song on it.
I know, but my iPod is in the go-bag.
We'll be fine.
I don't want the first thing she hears to be the 8 mile soundtrack.
- What do you wanna do? - Let's go by the house and get it.
- It's only 20 min past the hospital! - Pam, no.
Are you nuts? - We're going to the hospital now.
- Guys, stop fighting.
Come on.
Do you want your kid to come out a lawyer? Right? You know what? I am all over this.
Here we go.
Ready? Pam left her iPod at her house.
I want you to swing by, pick it up, and bring it to the hospital.
We need it yesterday.
Then why didn't you ask me to do it yesterday? I kept I.
M.
ing you how bored I was.
Go to my house, get my iPod.
I think it's on the kitchen table.
Do not touch anything else.
The key is underneath I don't need a key.
But if you do need a key, just listen, it's under No, don't, don't.
Don't tell me.
Dwight, just listen to me! - Do you have everything, guys? - Michael, just go park the car.
All right.
- Dunder Mifflin.
It's okay.
- You can't park here.
I just did.
Pam's doing great.
She's ten inches dilated now Sorry, meters Centimeters.
And she's also fully effaced, which I don't know what that is.
But no baby yet.
It's only been 6 And I was sent out for some ice chips, 'cause I might have passed out.
- These are very refreshing, very good.
- Daddy.
She's ready to push.
Where's my little nibblet? Halpert, room D-1.
All right.
Family only beyond this point.
Thank you! There we go.
You're doing great.
Push again.
- Not yet.
- No, don't push.
Pull.
- Why don't you get some more ice chips? - No, Jim, stay! Really push this time, Pam.
Nope, not yet, not yet, not yet.
Gotta go wash my eyes.
That kid's gonna have a lot of hair.
- Have you guys seen her? - She hasn't popped yet.
Damn it! She was supposed to come out yesterday.
I decided to give baby Halpert a newspaper from the day she was born.
This frame set me back 55 bones.
But she decided to take her sweet time, so now have to switch it with today's paper.
But you don't know that.
We could be here another half an hour.
What could you possibly have to do? I have an ice cream cake in the car.
Oh, my God! Go, go! Are you insane? All right.
Guys? You're doing great.
- Just relax.
- Sorry to be a bother, but if we could have an E.
T.
A - When this is gonna - This isn't happening! You're starting You're kinda losing 'em.
Look at her.
Pam, she's so beautiful.
That's right.
It's a baby, see Sir, you can't smoke that in here.
- Put it Put it out.
- All right.
Can't smoke anywhere these days.
She's incredible.
You wanna count her fingers and toes again? No.
Let's let her rest.
I'm sure there's still 12 of each.
Her name is Cecilia Marie Halpert.
- 11 pounds - She's 7 pounds Mother and daughter are doing great.
Congratulations.
- Here.
- Hey, grandma's back.
It was an adventure and a half trying to find the cafeteria, but I have returned with the coffee.
Thank god.
I haven't had caffeine in nine months.
May I? - Somebody has a full diaper.
- Let me get it.
I am a diapering master.
I've done little else in the past 2 months.
There is nothing I cannot diaper.
Go ahead.
Try to think of something.
I dare you.
Where's the baby? I want to see the baby! Lene.
Hi.
My goodness, what are the odds of this? Congratulations on being a grandma.
How are you? I worry about you.
You know, I think I think it's time for me to go.
- Love you.
- Love you, as a friend.
Love you, mom.
I want to hold the baby! You just have to use the hand sanitizer first.
Right.
Again.
No pants.
Ready? That's so weird.
She was saying it just before you got here.
Yesterday I was dispatched to Jim and Pam's house to find Pam's iPod.
I searched everywhere, but I didn't find it.
What I did find was mold and lots of it.
I did what anyone would do.
I read a book, I had a bath.
I got a good night's sleep and made plans to eradicate it.
I also made plans to ask Jim where he bought his marvelous sheets.
Time to get to work.
There she sat.
Her name was Pam.
She was a receptionist.
She was engaged to an animal.
There sat Jim.
He was a gawky, tall salesman.
The odds of them getting together were "insurmountainable".
I made a family.
I got these two together, and I made a family.
This man has a gift! Who else is single? I'm not single.
I have a man.
I am offering up my services to you all.
You saw what I did with Pam and Jim.
I can help you too.
Why don't you find someone for yourself instead of meddling in our affairs? Show of hands Who wants to live in a world where Stanley has two lovers and you don't have any? Who else? Come on, people.
I know models.
Plus-size models maybe.
You got that right.
Meredith, come on.
You're obviously single.
You know it.
I am never getting married.
Like Clooney.
Andrew, what about you? Torn scrotum Still on the mend, so Not good timing.
Yes, I'm gonna ask out Erin.
I'm just waiting for the stars to align literally.
I have a small skylight in my bedroom, and I'd like for the moon to be visible.
When you least expect it, expect it.
I am going to fill the empty voids in your life with love.
I am going to fill that empty hole in your body with another person.
And, like Cupid, I am going to shoot you with love.
Remember yesterday when we were terrified of being parents? We were just kids.
What did we know? How we doing? - Good.
- Great.
Would you like me to take her to the nursery? - Doesn't she sleep here? - She can.
But a lot of parents choose to have the baby spend the first night in the nursery to get some rest.
You've been through a lot.
I think we'll be okay.
Great.
Big yawn.
- Ready? One, two, three.
- One, and then wrap around.
It's okay.
It's okay.
- Hold that arm down.
- I can't.
She's too strong.
Careful, though.
You don't wanna break it.
She's not gonna Pam, I got it.
- All right.
- Go.
- Arms out.
- Nurse? - How you doing? - I don't know.
I can't tell if she's getting anything.
- Really? - It doesn't feel right.
You're pushing the milk out, right? How would one do that? Wasn't it It's kinda like a Like Like that.
- Do you wanna try it, Jim? - I think you're good.
You're doing a good job.
- Somebody buzzed.
- Really? Must have sat on it, Pam.
I can't tell if she's getting anything.
It just doesn't really feel right.
Maybe we should take a break.
I can take her to the nursery, bring her back and try again later.
Even if she's not getting anything? She'll be fine.
I can always give her a bottle once we're in the nursery.
No.
I read in the book about nipple confusion.
Oh, good.
You know everything.
I mean, she's just She's really tentative about latching.
And I just I wanna keep her self-esteem up.
I'll bring her back in a little while, and we can try again, okay? All right.
- It's gonna be all right.
- Maybe it'll be good, 'cause then she can, like, socialize with the other babies.
No.
Yeah, that would That would be good.
- You wanted to see me? - What would you say if I told you that I was about to change your life.
Oh, boy.
What's that sound? I would like you to meet your new boyfriend.
- I don't know what to say.
- Say nothing.
You will learn to love me.
Hold on.
You gotta let the cookies cool before you pop 'em in your mouth.
Why don't you get to know each other? Maybe have lunch together.
Would you have lunch with me? Good! - Can I talk to you privately? - Sure.
Kevin, please leave.
I'm so sorry if I gave you the impression I'm into Kevin, but I'm not I like Andy.
This is going to kill Kevin.
- I'm sure he'll be fine.
- I'm not so sure.
Kevin has an enormous heart.
Literally, he has an elephant heart.
He had a transplant, when he was 17, - had some problems - Really? No.
Kevin doesn't have an elephant heart.
But he is very sensitive, and it won't kill Erin to just go, have lunch with him in the break room like I promised him.
I bet his heart is enlarged, though.
- I don't want anyone to die.
- Just don't let him sit on you.
I'm kidding.
You'll have fun.
It'll be good.
It'll be good.
There he is.
Go to him.
She touched my shoulder.
Hey, guys, we're short on rooms, so this is Dale and Kathy.
Hi.
Sorry.
So sorry.
Careful.
She just shoves the nipple right in there.
I know.
Did you see that? I'm pretty sure she's Did you grow up around here? You must have grown up around somewhere else? Why was I hiding behind the plant? In college, I took a botany class, there was lots of drama in that class.
Kids would gossip about me, so I would eavesdrop on them by hiding behind different plants in the botany class.
And then they would say things like, "This guy's gonna fail this class," or, "What's this guy doing spying on us from behind plants?" And then I would jump out at them and confront them and be like, "You think all I do is hide behind plants "and spy on people?" Busted.
The reason? The reason I was hiding behind that plant in this situation was that I thought that Erin and Kevin were kind of hitting it off, and I was jealous.
Hi.
I'm Clarke.
Josie said you might benefit from a lactation consultant.
- That would be great.
- That would be really great.
- When's she available? - Actually, I'm the consultant.
"Got milk?" All right Let's see what we're workin' with.
The biggest thing Besides not being able to get her to latch Here, I'll get that for you.
Is that I can't tell if I'm really producing.
I don't know if she's getting anything.
Let me feel here.
Yeah, it's quite full.
Why don't you put your hand on top of my hand? When you're feeding, you want to press in like this, make your hand in a "C".
- Does that hurt? - No, I mean, - It feels pressure.
- Sure it doesn't hurt? No.
It just feels like pressure.
See how I'm flicking the nipple? Like that.
You can stimulate it.
All right, so you just wanna do that, and that will - Perfect.
- The baby should grab onto that.
She will.
I'm just not sure if I'm releasing, though.
I'm not sure if - We'll figure it out - Probably.
Why don't you bring your baby over here? She's beautiful.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
You're doing a good job.
Just stay relaxed, and I'll come back in a bit to check on you, okay? Please do.
Shoot.
Shoot.
She fell off.
- Try the torpedo thing.
- Will you grab Clarke real quick? No need.
I saw him do it.
I can try it.
Jim, please, please.
I think it would be weird if you did it.
That makes sense.
I'll just go get the other guy.
Hey, what's up, kid? Have you had a chance to look over the revisions on the contract I prepared for you? Nothing left to do except dot the "I"s, the "J"s, and the umlauts.
Why don't you meet me here at exactly mid-late afternoon? - I look forward to it.
- Very well.
Jim, get her.
Get the baby.
Get her, come on.
I know, I know.
Come here.
Oh, boy.
- All right.
- I got her.
She latched.
She latched.
- That's amazing.
- Oh, my god.
- I didn't have to do the "C" thing.
- That's awesome.
We're doing it.
That's great.
We're really parents now.
Erin would like a few words with you.
- I have enjoyed our time together.
- Me too.
- I wanna continue our friendship.
- It's been really fun.
Because I think a friendship could be a really cool thing.
Yeah, me too.
And you're my friend.
I hope that I'm your friend.
Oh, my God, this is agonizing.
Do you really think that you could have dated Erin? You said she liked me.
Even if someone told you that, you should know that that could never be possible.
And I'm surprised that you didn't question me in the first place.
- I've done better than Erin.
- No.
Lynn was way hotter than Erin, Michael.
Lynn was as hot as Erin.
Yeah, Michael, but you dated Holly and Jan, and they were so much hotter than you.
This isn't about me, and that is debatable.
And I have a personality, whereas you Nice going.
Knock, knock.
Hey, Isabel.
Pam, she's gorgeous.
Oh, my Can I hold her? She was a little fussy earlier, but she's totally quieted down.
Here, let me just Let me burp her.
I don't want her to spit up on you.
- Look at you.
- Come here, sweetie.
- Oh, my God! - What? - Wrong baby.
- What? Wrong baby! This is not our baby! Oh, my gosh.
Has she been fussing long? - No.
Not at all.
- Perfect.
I was out like a light.
She's not hungry.
How's it going? I feel like she needs to eat, but she just won'tatch on, which is weird, because the other baby did it Bottles are fine.
A lot of babies grow up using bottles.
- So you excited to take your baby home? - We definitely are.
At 3:00, right? - You said we could stay till 3:00? - Yeah, you can.
But it's 2:35.
- Half hour.
- Well, 25 minutes.
- And you're all set with the car seat? - Yes.
Car seat's right there.
- That bottom part goes in the car.
- The whole thing goes in the car.
I'll be back in 25 minutes.
Or it could be a half hour, if you need it to be.
Can we get a late checkout? I don't I don't think she heard me.
What are you doing here? Isabel.
Hello.
Kitchen was disgusting, so New cabinets.
All I did was bring macaroni and cheese.
Where's the fridge? It's in the backyard.
I'll take this.
I'll let you get back to it.
Listen, I know that I'm an adult, but maybe I could come by some time for a teeth cleaning, you know, just for fun.
Adults are supposed to go to the dentist too.
Are they, now? How some people spend their money.
Right? I'll call you, kid.
Do that.
You really sure we should be leaving? But you hear the baby crying, right? - Where's your car? - It's in the lot.
A lot of fathers bring the car around.
Right.
That'd be a smart thing to do.
- Pam, I will be right back.
- Okay.
Please hurry.
I need you to send this fax immediately.
It's really important, I'm gonna stand here and wait for the confirmation.
Good.
The fax says "Erin, will you have dinner with me? "From Andy.
" And the number is our office fax number.
It's busy.
Why don't I keep trying, I'll give you the confirmation in a bit? Sorry.
That's unacceptable.
I need you to send it immediately, or you're fired.
You can't talk to me like that.
I didn't do anything wrong.
I've been having a tough day, and it Just read the fax.
You read the fax! I'm asking you out.
Oh, my God.
That's amazing.
Let me just fax this, and I'll check my planner.
- So it's a date.
- Yes.
- Do you have a day in mind? - Yeah, what day? - What day? - Every day's fine.
Or - What's that one? - Thursday? - Let's do it.
- We can do that.
Would you like me to help you up out of the chair? - Sorry.
Yeah, no, I got it.
- Just got a lot of discharges today.
You wanna eat? Let's You wanna try eating? Come on.
Just you and me.
It's just you and me.
Come on.
Ready? Here we go.
Like that.
There we go.
You got it! There were five tickets on the windshield.
We did it.
You used my move, didn't you? I used a variation of your move.
There is no greater feeling than when two people who are perfect for each other overcome all obstacles and find true love.
And that's what I thought that Erin and Kevin were gonna find today.
I think I'm gonna be sick.
Two forms of I.
D.
, please.
And now you Two forms of I.
D.
, please.
All right, all is in order.
I just need your signature.
What is it? Nothing.
All right.
How would you like to celebrate? Just pour yourself a cup of apple juice.
I feel sick.
I couldn't find your iPod.
Just give me a couple days be out of your hair.