Bewitched (1964) s06e17 Episode Script

Okay, now, we're gonna try another one, all right? You're getting very smart.
Now, you have five apples, right? You get one, two, three more apples.
- How many apples do you have? - Eight apples.
That's very good.
Now think carefully.
You have eight apples.
Now take away two apples.
How many apples are left? Take away two apples? That's easy, Mommy.
That leaves six! - You saw that? - I saw that.
Well, how you like them apples? - Sam, what's going on? - New math? - All right, Tabitha.
Bring back the apples.
- Yes, sweetheart, - those Winesaps cost 35 cents a pound.
- Okay.
Thanks, Tabitha.
Well, lesson's over, sweetheart.
Darrin, I really do think she's ready for kindergarten.
I think she's ready for The Ed Sullivan Show.
Good morning, dear child.
My precious Tabitha.
Hello, Grandmamma.
- Good morning, Durwood.
- It was, wasn't it? Mother, Darrin and I are having an important discussion, - so if you don't mind - Of course I don't mind.
What is more important than Tabitha's education? Fortunately, I have solved your problem.
May I present Professor Poindexter Phipps? Forget it, Endora.
Tabitha is not having a warlock for a teacher.
Why not? She has a witch for a mother.
Professor, this is my daughter, Samantha.
- How do you do? - How do you do? - And you must be Durwood.
- Try Darrin.
Apple for the teacher.
Good form for a mortal.
- Sam, I want to talk to you.
- When? - Now.
- Excuse us.
- Yes, sweetheart? - I just heard it.
Sweetheart, Mother was just trying to be helpful.
And you will admit it's time Tabitha was getting a formal education, won't you? - Now, Sam - Who could be more qualified to teach a young witch thirsting for knowledge than a warlock? Well, I guess it can't hurt to try.
But only if you promise the professor will teach Tabitha in a perfectly normal, perfectly mortal way.
I promise.
Witch's honour.
I mean, right.
I should have warned you, Professor Phipps, Durwood is a little eccentric.
It's no matter.
I'll be happy to comply.
Mr Stephens, let me put it this way.
It's true I am a warlock, but first, I am an educator.
I do not teach witchcraft.
I teach the arts.
Music, literature, et cetera.
- In the mortal way.
- As you wish.
- Tabitha? - Goodbye, dear.
Is this a sample of your work? Yes, it's a campaign I dreamed up.
Your daughter's acquiring a tutor none too soon.
It isn't meant to be literature, Professor.
It's one of Darrin's advertising campaigns.
And, I might add, a highly successful advertising campaign.
You see, normal people like to identify with a familiar phrase, like "don't cry over spilt milk.
" Why don't you call those phrases what they really are, clichés? Mortal, verbal mediocrity.
If you'll excuse me, I'll get on with Tabitha's lessons.
Come, my dear.
Mother, the art of using familiar phrases to catch the public eye is a very important part of the advertising business.
Forget it, Sam.
I'm late for the office.
Endora, I'm sorry I can't stay and chat, but if you're able to drop in tomorrow morning I certainly hope not.
Samantha, is it really true that if Durwood could think up more of those so-called phrases, he would be more successful doing whatever it is he does? Of course.
Advertising men get paid a lot of money - to come up with clever slogans.
- Really? Now, Mother - Excuse me, Herb.
- Have a nice day, Mr Stephens.
Spirits north and spirits south, let my spell control your mouth.
Let Durwood find, to his dismay, that all his words are now cliché.
Thanks, Ted.
But nothing comes easy.
The proof of the pudding is in the eating.
The trick is to walk softly and carry a big stick.
- Yeah, that's what they say.
- They sure do say that, don't they? "There in the back streets of London, "Oliver met the Artful Dodger, "the young ringleader of a gang of boy thieves.
" What did Artful look like? Well, he was about this tall and skinny, with a smudge on his nose, and he wore a tall silk hat.
- Was he handsome? - I've got it.
Why don't I show you? Tabitha, I would like you to meet the Artful Dodger.
Charmed, my dear.
Come on.
You can smile a little bit.
- He looks just like Darrin, doesn't he? - Nonsense.
Babies always have that bewildered expression.
Mother! I'm gonna go down and sneak a peek at Tabitha's lesson.
- You want to come? - In a moment, love.
I want to stay and play with my grandson.
Come on, now.
Come on.
Look at Grandmamma.
Come on.
That's a boy.
That's a little fellow.
Professor, who in the world is this? The Artful Dodger.
At your service, fair lady.
- My ring, please.
- Ring? What ring? The one you just removed from my finger.
So I did.
It must be this hangnail.
Catches everything.
Isn't he wonderful, Samantha? A page out of Dickens come to life.
Professor, you promised us there wouldn't be any witchcraft.
I promised I wouldn't teach witchcraft, and I haven't.
Well, I don't think that Darrin would see it that way, so why don't we just return him to the pages of literature? I will return my teaching aid from whence he came when I decide the lesson is over.
Is that clear? - Now just a moment, Professor - Is that clear? Yes, sir.
Darrin, these sales figures for Kitty Kakes are fantastic, thanks to your slogan.
Yeah, the public bought it hook, line and sinker.
I'll say, you son of a gun, and Multiple Industries couldn't be happier.
Tickled pink, huh? The colour's more like green, Mr Phrasemaker.
And some of that green will be a bonus for you.
A bonus? That would be a sight for sore eyes.
Right.
Anyway, H.
B.
Summers, Multiple's head of marketing, wants you to create a new slogan for their farm machinery division.
- How do you like that? - I don't.
You know, the acoustics are lousy in this room.
I could have sworn I already have a campaign worked out for the farm machinery division.
What's good for the goose doesn't necessarily mean it's good for the gander.
Darrin, this gander wants slogans, and if we don't come up with some, our goose is cooked.
We should put this in the think tank for a while.
Darrin, what's the matter with you? You sound like an encyclopaedia of clichés.
- Well, you can't judge a book by its cover.
- There you go again.
You're right.
Clichés are like popcorn.
Once you get started, you can't stop.
Pull yourself together, Darrin.
Multiple Industries makes everything from safety pins to bulldozers, and all we need is a few good slogans, and we're in.
Now here's a list of all their products.
Can you come up with something by noon? Well, Larry, I don't like to blow my own horn - That's perfect.
- For what? Their musical instruments division.
- Where are you going? - Home sweet home.
You know, when the cat's away, the mice will play.
What I meant was, I left something at home.
- I'd forget my head if it wasn't fastened on.
- All right, but be quick about it.
We have a lunch date with Summers at the Blue Boar at 1:00.
Larry, I'll be there to grab the bull by its horns before any more water passes under the bridge.
Sam.
- Hi, sweetheart.
What's the matter? - What's the matter? I'll try to keep a civil tongue in my head, and at the same time, talk turkey.
- I smell a rat.
- Darrin, why are you talking so funny? Because someone put a spell on me, and I'll bet dollars to doughnuts I know who did it.
- Mother! - Yes, my love? - Did you put a spell on Darrin? - I cannot tell a lie.
I did place a friendly little spell on Durwood.
That's the last straw.
Would you tell her to button her lip? Mother, you've had your little joke, so if you would Would it be presumptuous of me to request a little silence during school hours? Well, I'm terribly sorry, Professor.
We'll try to keep it quieter.
Mother, if you don't remove that spell, I I say, a handsome gentleman.
- Me hand, sir.
- Sam, who is this? One thing at a time, sweetheart.
The spell, remember? - Come along.
Mother.
- Very well.
I'll take the spell off.
You try to do a good turn for someone - Sweetheart, say something.
- I'll say something.
Who was that English kid in there, and And where's my watch? I think your second question answered your first question.
That's the Artful Dodger from Oliver Twist.
That settles it.
I said no witchcraft, and he used witchcraft.
- Sam, the professor goes.
- Just a minute, Durwood.
Endora, you've been a busy little bee.
Now buzz off.
Really.
Well, I certainly hope Mother's going to be a good sport about this.
Here's your watch, sweetheart.
The Dodger has this problem with a hangnail.
I'll bet.
Now, Sam, I've got to leave now or I'll be late for my lunch meeting.
But I want it clearly understood that when I return, the professor and that kleptomaniac will be out of here.
It's as good as done, sweetheart.
There goes my little pigeon.
The spell I renew, you boorish lout.
Your clichés will be few, but you'll act them out.
- Goodbye.
Thank you.
- Yes.
Goodbye.
Has Mr Tate arrived yet? Yes.
He and another gentlemen have been here for a few minutes.
- I'll take you to their table.
- It's 1:15 already.
Time sure flies.
- How did you do that? - Sorry.
Family secret.
Would you tell Mr Tate that Mr Stephens called - and said he couldn't make it? - Darrin! Come on, Summers is anxious to meet you.
H.
B.
Summers, meet Darrin Stephens, better known as the slogan king.
My pleasure, Stephens.
I'm a great admirer of yours.
- Thanks, Mr Summers.
- H.
B.
To my friends.
Stephens, you're my kind of ad man.
Your campaigns are clever.
- They hit that nail right on the head.
- Right, H.
B.
Darrin has the genius to get through to the common man.
Tate was telling me about your latest slogan.
"Blow your own horn.
" I like that, Stephens.
It's knockout.
Thanks, H.
B.
I wish I could see eye to eye with you.
- Darrin, you all right? - Sure, sure.
I was just attempting to point out that slogans can be overdone.
Now, I have a campaign worked out for your farm machinery division Forget it.
I got a little idea myself for the bulldozer division.
Now what do you think of this? "Make molehills out of mountains.
" You get it? There's a twist there.
Of course we get it, H.
B.
, and it's knockout.
- Right, Darrin? - Truthfully, no.
It just doesn't ring the bell.
What was that? Two bells and all's well.
It's an old custom here.
- That reminds me, I've got to call home.
- You have to do it now? Yes.
Larry, just order me a club sandwich.
I'll be back quicker than you can say Jack Robinson.
- Jack Robinson.
- Jack Robinson.
That's very good.
- Why did we say that? - I don't know.
Maybe it's catching.
Well, I warned you.
Mother's very sensitive about being told to buzz off.
There aren't as many clichés now, but when I do say one, it comes true.
Well, just calm down, sweetheart.
I'll find Mother.
You're right, Sam.
I've got to get a grip on myself.
Darrin? Darrin? - Hello.
- What happened? I'll tell you later.
Just track down your mother, fast.
Goodbye, Sam.
Darrin, you can't insult a man's brainchild and then just walk away.
- What's bothering you? - I couldn't begin to tell you.
- Well, get a grip on yourself.
- I already tried that.
Sorry for the interruption.
Now, back to the problem of slogans.
I devote a lot of my time keeping in touch with the public.
You might say keeping my ear to the ground.
Another one of those clever demonstrations, H.
B.
Would you like to get up now, Darrin? Gentlemen, I really don't feel very well.
I think I'd better go home.
- Was it something I said, Stephens? - Not at all, H.
B.
But I'd better shake a leg.
So, if you'll excuse me, I'll just bow out.
How come all the creative ones have a screw loose upstairs? H.
B.
, as of this moment, Stephens is off your account.
Why? He may be a ding-a-ling, but he's got a magic touch.
Exactly, and he'll be with you as long as you want him.
- Sam.
Sam.
Where are you? - I'm in the nursery.
I'll be right down.
Have you reached your mother yet? I don't know whether I'm coming or going.
- Darrin? I thought I heard you come in.
- You did, but your mother's spell is at work.
- It's Larry.
- We're not home.
You want the slogan king, you'll get the slogan king.
If I have to bring him in in a net.
Darrin? Darrin? Darrin! - Tate, what are you doing? - Darrin and I have an understanding.
If he doesn't answer the doorbell, I'm supposed to crawl in the window.
There you are, Darrin! Come on in, H.
B.
Hi, Larry.
I was just going to open the door.
Yeah, quicker than I can say Jack Robinson, huh? - Sam, Mr Summers.
- How do you do? Thank goodness you're here.
Maybe you can talk some sense into your husband.
I'm sorry, Larry, but I won't have anything to do with a campaign based on slogans.
Come on, Stephens.
We're grown men.
Why can't we reach a compromise? All right, H.
B.
If you'll play ball with me, I'll play ball with you.
Mother! Mother, you come here this instant! Mother, you materialise and fast! That isn't a very affectionate way to summon one's mother.
After what you have done to Darrin, what do you expect, the witch's love call? Well, to coin a mortal phrase, it looks like they bored each other stiff.
Very amusing.
Now, undo your thing.
If you insist.
Now I'm off to Oxford.
I've entered a new class that should help me to understand Durwood a little better.
Marvellous, Mother.
It's a course in anthropoid behaviour.
Ta-ta.
Really.
- Sam, what happened? - Never mind what happened.
Let's just worry about what's going to happen.
Yeah.
How am I gonna explain those baseball uniforms? You won't have to.
You just take their coats off while I make a couple of drinks.
- Sam, would you mind telling me what - We have a lot to do.
I'll tell you as we go along.
- You're sure he won't break? - Of course not.
We'll just get them comfortable on the sofa.
Then I'll bring them to, and we'll be chatting as if everything were normal.
What are we chatting about? About how nice it is that they dropped in, and And how pleased I am that H.
B.
Finally agreed to go for my campaign instead of the slogans.
Very good.
Honey, hand me a drink.
And you put one in his hand.
Goodness.
Me, too.
Okay.
You ready? Mr Summers, you have such a delightful sense of humour.
So, you really feel, H.
B.
, that my idea is knockout? I don't understand this.
The last thing I remember, I was standing over there, wearing a baseball uniform.
Baseball uniform? You are joking, Mr Summers.
Listen, didn't we crawl in through the window and Crawl in the window? Come on, Larry, what are you trying to do, gaslight me? Just another little joke.
But now back to our discussion about my idea for the farm machinery.
Personally, I love Darrin's idea.
Not that I count, of course.
It's the fact that you like it so much, Mr Summers, that matters.
How about you, Larry? You're the only one we haven't heard from.
Well, if H.
B.
Likes it, I like it, too.
I mean, you do like it, don't you? It's knockout.
Isn't it? - Certainly.
- Certainly.
Well, I have a severe headache and I think I'd better run along - to the office and take a little nap.
- Dear.
What a shame.
Well, Larry, why don't you stay here, and we can go over the idea in detail so that we Never mind.
Just write it down on a piece of paper, put it on my desk, and we'll discuss it.
You didn't see any baseball uniforms, did you, Larry? No, not me.
Just for the record, I didn't see any baseball uniforms either, in case it ever comes up.
Well, let's go, Tate.
Mrs Stephens, thank you for your hospitality.
Lessons are over.
We'll be leaving for the day.
Well, Larry, Mr Summers, this is Professor Phipps and Master Dodger, Tabitha's tutors.
Yes.
You see, we're the tutors, and she's the tutee.
- Cute little dickens, isn't he? - Well, good day.
Professor, don't you want to leave by the front door? Well, that's a quaint notion.
Let's try it, Dodger.
It's a pleasure meeting you fine gentlemen.
- Take care, now.
- Yeah.
- Bye, Sam.
- Bye, H.
B.
- Thank you.
- Mr Summers.
Sure.
Well I seem to have lost my cuff links.
- Call me if you find them.
- Sure, H.
B.
Well, Sam, it looks like H.
B.
's cuff links have found a place in literature.
Well, that'll be a new twist.
Sorry, sweetheart.