Hot In Cleveland s06e17 Episode Script

"Hot in Cleveland" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Owen, calm down.
I'm just a little tense because I've got something big to tell my mom.
I'm getting married.
Congratulations! Who's the lucky guy? Guy? Elka, I'm not gay.
Huh.
I have a son With a woman.
Whatever.
The thing is, you know how my mom and her friends do crazy stuff? I just want to make sure they don't embarrass me at the wedding.
Hi, Owen.
Bob and I are going undercover at a swingers' sex club.
Yeah, today we're not Mom and Bob.
We're Julie and Stash.
Owen, are you okay? Is something wrong? I got engaged to Andrea.
That's fantastic! Ow! What can I do to help? Name it; It's done.
Well, Andi's parents are a little conservative, so could you and your friends not make a scene at the wedding? Okay, got it, no scenes.
Oh, hi, Owen.
This is Barry.
My ex-husband, Clark, is on expedition in Africa, so I have custody of our parrot for a while.
Victoria, wonderful news.
Owen's getting married.
Oh, congratulations.
Oh, congratulations.
He repeats everything he hears.
Joy's too old for leather shorts.
Oh, good, somebody lend me I'll explain in a minute.
Thanks.
I have a summons for Elka Ostrovsky.
You were seen speeding down Euclid Avenue shooting paintballs at women in fur coats.
That was not me.
We have your driver, Mamie Sue Johnson's signed confession.
My wheel man squealed.
Okay, so I meet this great guy last night, and I stay at his place.
And then he has to leave early, so I go outside to get the newspaper, and then the door locks behind me.
Lucky me, it's trash day, so I just made a dress out of this trash bag.
But don't look in the back; There's a weird hole.
Weird hole? Well, Owen, I see now why you might be a little worried that Joy and her friends will embarrass you at the wedding.
Wedding? You're getting married? Oh, yay! Yay, oh.
Is your father coming? Uh, no, I tried to reach him, but he's embedded in Afghanistan.
Bob, I was wondering if you wanted to give the toast at the rehearsal dinner.
Give the toast? Well, I'd—I'd love to.
Oh, no.
I'm ruining my sex makeup.
Ba-ba, ba-ba Hey! Won't this be a beautiful rehearsal dinner? Victoria's picking up the ring.
Melanie's getting the cake.
Bob's flight arrives in a few hours.
Everything is perfect.
I got the cake.
Ooh, how did it turn out? You know how Owen's fiancée wanted a fairy tale-themed cake with a castle and turrets? I'm sure it's fine.
I'm probably seeing something that's not even there.
Oh, my God.
I was excited to see the cake, but it looks like the cake is excited to see me.
Hello, everyone.
Oh, wow.
Hung like a horse.
Barry! Okay, fine.
Last night, I watched a movie called Hung Like a Horse.
I thought it was gonna be a Western, but it turned out to be porn.
How long did you watch it before you figured it out? Two hours.
Mom, are you in there? Oh, my God, Owen's here.
Hide the cake.
What's wrong with the cak— holy crap! Cover that thing up.
Andi and her parents are right behind me.
Uh-oh.
Hello.
You must be Andi.
I'm Joy.
Oh! Great to meet you, Joy.
Oh, your hands are so soft.
What's your secret? Vaseline intensive care.
Yours are so soft too.
What's your secret? I'm 28? Mom, these are Andi's parents, Gerald and Maureen.
It's a pleasure.
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
And these are my mom's friends.
There's Melanie and— and Elka.
Excuse me.
Is that real fur? Of course.
I'd never wear faux.
So tacky, right? Super tacky.
See you tonight at the big party.
Tonight at the big party.
Did you see that fur coat? Why didn't I bring my paintball gun? Victoria? Why did you dive under the table? I don't remember.
No reason.
Okay, we have a bigger problem.
I was on the elevator with Andi a little while ago.
I didn't know it was her, and I overheard her telling her mom that she's got cold feet.
What if she's calling off the wedding? What are we gonna do? Absolutely nothing, that's what.
Plenty of brides get cold feet.
It's perfectly normal.
We are not going to get involved and risk embarrassing Owen.
Agreed.
Do you know where the nearest paint store is? So, honey, you still want to go shoe shopping before the ceremony? No, I'll wear the sandals.
They go with my dress, and I'm not really worried about having cold feet anymore.
Sweetheart, your flight got in early.
Mm-hmm.
How about I come join you? Mm-hmm.
Simon! Hello, Joy.
What are you doing here? Our son's getting married.
But you're supposed to be in Afghanistan.
I know.
I thought about the whole surprising-you-in-bed thing on the flight over, and it worked.
You seem surprised.
No, Simon.
I'm with someone else now.
It's Mitch, isn't it, that handsome devil? No, it's not Mitch.
It's Bob.
Seriously? I'm in love with Bob, and he's more man than you'll ever be.
You sure? Joy, surprise.
I brought fudge from the airpo—oh.
It's not what it looks like.
Bob, it's exactly what it looks like.
Simon, I don't know what you're thinking, but Joy is my woman now, and if anyone's gonna be in bed with her, it's gonna be me.
Now, I suggest you leave.
I'm not going anywhere.
Oh, yes, you are.
- Oh, no, I'm not.
- Yes, you are.
Stop it right now! I can only handle one of you at a time.
Mom? Owen.
Look, your dad's here.
And Bob.
I can see that.
I just came by to introduce you to Reverend Matsuta, who will be officiating our wedding.
Oh, my.
So typical of Simon to appear without any warning.
Well, the good news is, Simon showing up makes anything else that might go wrong seem so small.
Why do you say that? Okay, you know my job was to pick up the wedding ring, and, well, you know how parrots are attracted to shiny things? Barry ate the ring? We're never gonna get it back.
Oh, don't worry.
Found the exact same ring, same size at a pawn shop downtown.
Andi will never know.
Look, there's even a nice inscription.
"United in Satan.
" Victoria! Oh, I thought it said Santa.
Melanie, Elka, guess what.
Simon's back.
Really? Well, that makes whatever else could go wrong now seem so small.
Why does everybody keep saying that? Melanie, what did you do? I didn't do anything.
Elka, on the other hand, snuck into Andi's mom's closet to ruin her fur coat with spray paint.
But because it was so dark in there, she accidentally spray-painted the only other white thing in the closet.
"Murder"? Oh, my God.
Excuse me.
Ladies, have any of you seen Andi? My wife says she's a bundle of nerves.
Is that my daughter's wedding dress? Can I take a little peek? What? No, no, this is a wedding dress, but it's actually my dress for the wedding.
You're wearing a wedding dress to the wedding? Now that I hear it, it's a terrible idea.
I'll wear something else.
Disaster averted.
Thank you.
Victoria, why do you keep hiding every time you see Andi's father? Hiding? I'm not hiding.
Women went under the table all the time in Hung Like a Horse, and no one said anything.
Whatever head game you're playing, stop it now.
Elka, keep your fur politics to yourself.
And, Melanie, fix the cake.
I'll take this to the hotel cleaners and see if they can repair it.
Oh, poor Joy.
I wish there was something we could do to make up for our mistakes.
Cold feet, cold feet.
Barry's right! Andi's cold feet.
Her dad even said that she's got the jitters.
She's definitely thinking of calling off this wedding.
We could really help Joy by talking to Andi and calming her down and easing her through it.
But Joy told us not to get involved.
Yes, she did.
I had a lot of wedding jitters, but I went through with it, and it worked out just fine.
Of course, I did get divorced, you know, but our marriage had the stress of children.
Owen already has a child.
Right.
Andi, I know a little about pre-wedding nerves.
I've been married six times.
Seven, if you count my marriage to your future mother-in-law.
You were married to Joy? Never consummated.
I just want you to know, I do believe Owen is straight.
You thought Owen was gay? Totally.
But that shouldn't even enter your mind.
- It didn't.
- Don't let it.
Jerry, no one can know about us, especially at your daughter's wedding.
But I don't know how long I can keep this secret from my wife.
Well, but if she finds out, then the press will find out, and then it'll be everywhere.
Okay.
Thank you.
You are a dear, sweet man.
I could kiss you right now.
And surely you understand why this has to be a secret.
I mean, if people find out we went to high school together, they'll figure out my true age.
But your friends must know your true age.
They know a true age, not the true age.
Oh, damn it, you're dressed.
Simon, you can't keep barging into my room.
And why are you wearing a kilt? It's for the rehearsal dinner.
That's another thing you and I have in common: We both have the legs to pull off a skirt.
Stop flirting with me.
You can't charm your way back into my life.
I'm with someone else now.
I plan to change that.
Tonight I'm gonna make a toast to first love, like Owen and Andi, like you and me.
Simon— Joy, we're a family.
What more could a boy want than his parents to get back together? Let's make this a perfect wedding for our son.
Oh, damn it! The dry cleaner can't get "Murder" out of the wedding dress.
- What? - Never mind.
I've got to go down there.
Simon.
Bob.
Are you coloring your hair? That's not important.
What is important is, I heard everything you said to Joy, and I think you're absolutely right.
You do? Yes, you're her first love.
She's never gonna get over that.
It's time for me to accept that fact and move on.
I'm gonna get dressed and get out of Joy's life.
Oh, one more thing.
Owen's wedding ring is in the pocket of my suit in that closet.
Why don't you get it? You should be the one to present it at the wedding.
Sure.
And thank you.
Hey, what's going on? And I'd like to thank my mom for a wonderful, uneventful evening.
- Hear, hear.
- Hear, hear.
I guess all that's left is the cake.
The cake is fine, right? Don't worry.
I was very explicit with the baker.
I told him absolutely no penis on this cake.
Oh, my.
There's "Absolutely no penis" on this cake.
I miss them too.
No, that's what it says on the cake: "Absolutely no penis.
" Mom? No, no, no, no, honey, I can explain.
See, the first cake was a fairy tale cake with a castle and turrets that looked like, well, penises.
But I told the baker on this cake, absolutely no penis, and he, you know, took me literally.
Well, Reverend, I suppose there's nothing sinful about eating a cake like that.
Just the calories.
Everyone, I know Simon was planning to make the toast tonight, but he doesn't seem to be here at the moment.
I—I guess he had something better to do, not to besmirch the name of the man who knocked Joy up as a teenager, left her, and returned several times just to break her heart again.
But I digress.
To love.
First love.
Here's to first love! Simon? Where are you? I'm up above in the air duct! Bob locked me in the closet, but I burst through the ceiling and crawled my way over here.
What a ridiculous story from a ridiculous man.
You know, on this happy occasion, it's hard not to think of the great Canadian comedian Howard "Howie" Mandel.
Or the great Scottish poet Shirley MacLaine, who said: Scottish? Sounds like Klingon.
Joy is mine now, Simon.
She's never coming back to you.
She'll be mine again, Bob.
You wait and see.
Stop it.
You're ruining the rehearsal dinner.
It doesn't matter.
There's not gonna be a wedding.
Andi, what are you saying? Melanie and Victoria and Elka came to my room this afternoon and changed my mind about getting married.
- You what? - Oh, no, Andi.
We were reassuring you that marriage is good, because in the elevator, you said you had cold feet.
What? I was talking about whether I should wear sandals with my wedding dress, 'cause my feet might be cold.
Oh.
Owen, the other reason I can't go through with the wedding is, how can I believe in marriage when my own father is having an affair with Victoria? What? Don't deny it.
I overheard you two whispering in the hall.
Oh, no, sweetheart.
We're not—we are not having an affair.
Victoria and I were whispering because we went to high school together, and she was begging me not to tell everyone that we graduated in 19— well, nice scene, Mom.
You promised you wouldn't embarrass me.
I'm sorry, Owen.
But this time, I'm gonna fix it.
Everyone, sit down and be quiet.
Andi, you're getting married tomorrow, because you love my son.
But no wedding is perfect, because love isn't perfect.
Tomorrow your dress is going to say "Murder" on it.
And your wedding band will read, "United in Satan.
" But none of that matters, because you're in love, and people who are in love should get married.
Which is why I'm not marrying you, Simon.
I'm marrying Bob.
- You are? - You are? You are? Yes, I am.
Is this a proposal? No! Yes.
Well, then let's do this right.
Joy You're the most amazing woman I've ever met.
I love you, and I always will, and I wish I had a ring to put on your beautiful finger right now.
Well, seems the bride's real ring has been released.
So I can give you this one.
Joy, will you marry me? Oh, Bob, yes.
Congratulations.
Speaking of weddings, can we get back to mine? Does this mean that there might be one? Yes.
Oh, thank God, because even though my mom and her friends will always be around and no one will be more insane than they are, no one will ever love you more than I do.
I love you too, Owen.
Hung like a horse.
Oh, my.
Are you okay? I will be.
Joy'll be happy with Bob.
He's a good guy.
He is.
And so are you.
Thank you.
Well, I guess I better get in touch with the front desk and see about getting a room.
I've got plenty of room here Elka What are you implying? I think I'm being rather clear.
What the hell.
Let's give 'em something to talk about.