Scrubs s06e17 Episode Script

J.
D.
: Lately, people around here were happier than usual.
Elliot, because she had finally said those three magic words.
I love you.
Todd, because he had finally found his true calling as a doctor.
So, what's up with plastic surgery? Dude, it's amazing.
Just when you think you can't see another great pair of boobs, you see an awesome dong.
And Dr.
Kelso was giddy because it was the first Monday of the month.
And today, nothing could dampen his spirits, not even a grieving family.
I am so sorry for your loss.
He was a fighter right till the end.
We did everything we could.
See, today was the day the hypodermic needles arrived.
- Happy Needle Day, Lloyd.
- And to you, sir.
And thanks for sending down an extra set of hands.
I'm a lawyer.
I still don't understand why you get so excited over needles.
Thanks to a delightful decimal error made 20 years ago by the good folks at Zeffer Pharmaceuticals, each month, Sacred Heart gets $50,000 worth of hypodermic needles for the low, low price of $50.
That's it.
I can't feel my arms.
Now, Lloyd, given your past history as a dirt bag junkie, I have to ask.
Did you take any of Uncle Bob's needles? No, sir.
I don't use needles anymore.
- Oh, so you finally got clean? - No.
Sign here.
This is a straw, Lloyd.
Doctor Reid! I have a package for you.
It's addressed to your home, but since you're here Lloyd, I wanted that delivered to my house because it's private and it'll be embarrassing for me to open it here at the hospital.
- We can't.
- We have to.
Wait.
You're talking about opening someone else's mail.
I think we should stop for a moment and consider the ethical implications here.
All done.
(ALL EXCLAIMING) Keith, I'm home.
Hey, Dr.
Reid.
We accidentally opened your package and felt so guilty, we came by to install your "Slide and Glide Stripper Pole.
" How did you get in here? Hot cookies, anyone? Keith! Do you know how hard it is to install those things? Just be grateful.
(WHOOPING) You guys are gonna love this! Oh, yeah! - Why did he take off his shirt? - I don't know, Keith.
I have a small, non-fat latte for Dr.
Dorian.
What the hell, Long-Face? We were here first.
Yeah, but Dr.
D's the king.
I didn't ask to be special, it just kind of happened.
J.
D.
: Still, after six years of being the star around here, I couldn't help but wonder what it would be like if the spotlight were on some of my supporting players for a change.
Jumbo coffee for Todd.
Everything's jumbo on the Todd.
TODD: It doesn't matter that he's a dude.
People should know you're well-endowed.
- Cappuccino for Jordan.
- Give me that.
JORDAN: Now, let's see who I can sit with that will drive me the least insane.
Definitely not.
Oh, what a sweet moment.
I should ruin it.
JORDAN: Stop that! We're on me now.
Extra hot tea for Ted.
(TED GRO ANS) TED: You didn't give your cardboard sleeve.
Still, don't rock the boat.
You don't want people staring.
Besides, how hot can it be? Holy mother of God! Huge mistake, huge mistake! Just keep moving.
No one saw that.
(PAGER BEEPING) (GROANING) Kelso.
What's going on? Hey, maybe it's the surprise party you've been waiting for your whole life.
Just play it cool, Teddy-boy.
The party man is here! It's not a surprise party, Ted.
It'll never be.
Nurse Espinosa and her chiquita nursitas are here because they want more dinero.
TED: Dr.
Kelso and his racism.
We're not asking for much, just the basic cost-of-living raise.
No chance, pink pants.
Sir, the last thing we need is a strike.
They'll never do it, Ted.
A strike would hurt the patients.
See, that's their biggest weakness.
They care about the patients.
This isn't over, Dr.
Kelso.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Scram.
Sir, they aren't asking for much, and the little things can make a big difference.
I know I'd be a lot happier with some extra cash, or friend, or hair.
How would your life be any different if you had hair? Don't worry, baby.
You'll get your turn.
Which conditioner are you going to buy? Too many choices! Mom? Mom? No! Why do I have hair? Why do I have hair? Why? I wonder if they'd still do me after I buried Mom.
- Rounds sucked today.
- I know.
Dr.
Wen didn't set me up once.
He never said "bone," "organ" or "suction.
" I mean, I did what I could with "carpal tunnel," but I don't think people got that I was using that as a metaphor for vagina.
No, Todd, I'm talking about when that intern asked me about cardiovascular instabilities.
- Dude, I've got to tell you, man - TODD: Turk's bummed.
He definitely needs a high-five, but which one? Chin-up five, tough-to-be-black five, need-a-hug five, need-a-tug five? Wait, what's he talking about? Okay, just take the last word he says and add a five to it.
I don't know, it just all seems a little unfair.
Unfair five.
Thanks, man.
You always know the right things to say.
I work hard on those.
- Excuse me, Dr.
Quinlan? - Who? - That's you, Todd.
- Oh, yeah.
I just want to thank you for helping with my daughter's condition.
It's hard enough being 16 and she shouldn't have to be teased by her classmates just because she looks so different.
I am glad to help, ma'am.
You are making a difference in her daughter's life.
What are you fixing, some type of major facial deformity? - No, I'm giving her giant cans.
- Okay.
Have you ever heard the phrase, "Excuse me"? Here, take the fake sugars, 'cause I hope you get cancer, I really do.
(ALL GASPING) Well, my parents were mean to me.
- ALL: Oh - They were mean, apparently.
Keith and I are always so busy, that he suggested that we meet here for ten minutes before our shift starts for coffee, for some together-time.
Isn't that sweet? That may have been the most bored I've ever been whilst someone was talking to me.
She's ruining coffee-time.
Just pretend she's not here.
- So, anyways, babe - JORDAN: I hate everybody.
Oh, look at those two.
Must be the Beard of The Month Club.
"My beard is nice and white.
" "Well, my beard is more bushy.
" "Let's be friends!" Morons.
- I love you.
- I love you, too.
Whoa, what the hell was that? I finally told Keith I loved him.
Now that you've said what he wants to hear, he doesn't have to work for it.
It's like when guys are really trying to sleep with you.
When you finally give it up, there are no more flowers.
Next thing you know, it's 20 years later and you're standing over him while he sleeps, your third martini in one hand and a steak knife in the other.
And sure, he's taken a sleeping pill, so you can slice his arm open a little bit without waking him up, but it's not satisfying, and you know why? Because you've lost the power.
Hey, Per-Per, did you ever figure out what happened to your arm? No.
Yes, phew.
Carla, can you pull a file for me? Sorry, I need another five hours to put this box of needles away.
- I don't get it.
- It's a slowdown, Ted.
The nurses think they're being clever, still treating patients, but with everything else moving more slowly.
And why are you standing here doing nothing? I know this is a slowdown, but I can't really work any slower than I normally do, so I pretty much have to come to a complete stop.
Now, if you're asking why I'm standing here specifically, it's because I replaced that light bulb with a tanning bulb.
I'm tired of being the only white guy at my mosque.
You know what? If the nurses keep going on like this, I'm going to give them their raise, but I'm going to pay for it by firing three of them, the ugly ones.
How does that sound? TED: Whatever you think is right, sir.
You're an ass.
TED: Ted, you idiot.
You just said the out-loud thing in your head and the in-your-head thing out loud! Don't make eye contact, just keep moving! I'm sorry, but that mother should not be giving that little girl breast implants for her sweet-sixteen present.
So she's 16.
What's the big deal, T-Dog? Well, I have a daughter.
Imagine being a parent.
Dad, can I talk to you? What's up? I don't want to wear a banana hammock anymore.
Rod! Why? Because I stuff.
Want to know a secret? I stuff, too.
(SIGHS) There you go.
I don't stuff.
Maybe you should.
You know what? I will just have a little conversation with your department head.
All I'm saying is, it's not right.
The girl's only 16.
Yeah.
No, I felt the same way until her mother's check cleared.
Look, you're not even in my department, so maybe I'm missing something here? Do you see any of your beeswax here? Because I sure as hell don't.
Todd, do you see Dr.
Turk's beeswax? TODD: What the hell is he talking about? Todd, come.
Look, I know your buddy thinks he's the bee's knees TODD: What is with this dude and bees? but if he keeps poking his nose in my business, I will torch him with every department head in this place.
See how that helps his career.
Internal "uh-oh" five.
(IG-FIVE SOUNDS) Uh-oh.
What took you so long? I need a drink! I'm so sorry, sweetheart.
I was just with this super-rude patient whose heart kept stopping.
He's dead now, but, darn it all, he should've known that my ex-wife was down here jonesing for a Cosmo.
JORDAN: He is so getting cut again tonight.
I have to get my jacket.
All right, Trish, I'm off to the movies with my boyfriend who doesn't treat me any differently, even though I already said I loved him.
My name's not Trish.
That's okay, it was for her benefit.
Hey, sweetie.
The guys are going to play poker.
- Is it okay if we skip the movie? - Sure.
Oh, thanks, babe.
JORDAN: Don't say anything.
Let the dark side draw her in.
Come on, come to Mama.
- Jordan, teach me.
- Okay, it's simple.
If he thinks it's okay to mess with you, you just mess with him.
Done! JORDAN: It's so fun to screw with someone's relationship, and such good practice for when my daughter grows up.
- Still, when someone - TED: Is heading down a bad path, I'd always try to stop them.
Carla, I think you should reconsider the slowdown.
Can't talk, Ted.
Julie and I have to carry this chart to this patient's room.
TED: Of course, there's nothing I can do TODD: If they're as stubborn as Turk is.
This isn't over, man.
That girl should not be having surgery.
Dude, you shouldn't screw with Dr.
Green.
I'm not afraid of Dr.
Green.
TODD: Great, that just makes me want to JORDAN: Laugh and laugh and laugh.
I mean, look at him there by himself.
Rub it in for funsies.
Hey, Keith, where's Blondie? I thought it was your little coffee-date time.
If she was mad about something, why wouldn't she just tell me? You know, I guess I thought once she finally said "I love you," all this insecure game-playing would stop, you know? Bye, Jordan.
JORDAN: That did not give me the delicious, satisfied feeling I was going for.
(PAGER BEEPING) Oh, look, it's Keith.
Yeah, well, if he wants to talk to me, he can find me, right? Right.
Perry, I think there's something wrong with me.
Now, that is the understatement of this still-very-young century.
I may have screwed up Blonde Stick's relationship, and now I have this really weird feeling.
It's called guilt, you Vulcan.
And why the hell are you giving out relationship advice, anyway? What are you, Oprah? (CROWD APPLAUDING) Hi, everyone! We're back.
We're talking with Barbara, a cancer survivor, who went on to form her own head scarf company.
Tell us about that.
When my hair fell out from the chemo Not only is that a huge downer, but scarves are tacky.
Instead, how about I dance with a little girl who looks just like me? (CHEERING) (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) Right? Look at us, we're like twins.
Can you believe it? I would watch that show.
Anyway, go fix this for me.
Barbie can handle this on her own.
She is an adult.
(EXHALES) See, Keith, I've been practicing, and you're missing it.
(SPITS) You wanna make 12, 13 bucks? Just send it to Keith, Lloyd.
Oh, come on! (GROANS) J.
D.
, Turk shouldn't mess with Dr.
Green.
Now, even though you're only his second-best friend, for some reason he listens to you.
If Turk's mind is set on something, it can't be changed.
I can't even imagine how I'd try.
TODD: Oh, great, there he goes, off into his fantasy world.
Now I'm stuck here waiting till he snaps out of it with some weird comment.
We'd have to find a whole lot of gnomes.
That's helpful.
- Excuse me.
- Hang on, one sec.
Got to make one of these.
Oh, damn it! - What are you aiming at? - Nothing.
What's on your mind? Carla needs to end this slowdown, but she won't listen to me.
People rarely do.
Will you talk to her? Yes! No.
Can't do it, Ted.
If you piss her off, she's going to turn on you, and I can't have her digging up the skeletons in my closet.
Although, technically, they won't be skeletons for six to eight weeks.
Right now, they're just dead badgers.
JORDAN: Okay, time to set things straight with that neurotic, bug-eyed, straw-haired My parents were mean to me.
You don't need to say that.
I don't know what you were thinking, although I'm sure it was lovely.
TODD: I need someone Turk will listen to, someone persuasive, forceful, sensitive.
If only my dong could talk.
Hey, I bet he'd listen to you.
TED: I've got to find a way to stop this slowdown before someone loses their job.
The stress is killing me.
You're sweating because you're under the tanning bulb, genius.
TED: If only the nurses had leverage, I could help them.
Ted, I found this extra box of needles in my truck.
Needles.
There's leverage.
Man, you keep this place toasty.
So, you wanted to talk to me? I'm about to speak to you from the heart, and since that's very difficult for me, I need you to sit there silently while I mentally prepare myself.
- Jordan, I have patients - Shush! Sorry.
I'm telling you right now, me and your department head are about to have it out.
This surgery ain't happening.
Not on my watch! - I always wanted to say that.
- Okay.
Before you do anything, just listen to what she has to say.
I want the implants.
Look, I'm constantly mistaken for a fifth-grader, and I'm tired of it.
This is my choice, and it's taken me a long time to convince my mom, but she's finally supporting me.
I shouldn't have to convince you, too.
What are you buzzing around here for? Dr.
Quinlan and I had to discuss something that has absolutely nothing to do with anything that's happening up in here.
So, you were right, and okay.
Yeah.
He's a busy little bee.
Dude, I've got to ask.
What's with you and bees? (FOREVER LOST PLAYING) What are you thinking, Ted? TED: I could jam this through the soft spot on his temple, then slit my wrists with it before anyone got in here to stop me.
The usual, sir.
Well, you'd never do it.
You don't have the guts.
If it's okay with you, we'll take that raise now.
Okay, but in this little fantasy of yours, can I not have prostate problems anymore? I can't sleep more than 40 minutes without needing to take a whiz.
Unfortunately for you, somebody left the invoice for the hospital needles on my desk.
They are really undercharging you.
So, either you shell out the extra or we call the needle company and it'll cost you twice that.
Ted, are you responsible for this? Please, sir, I don't have the guts.
TED: Oh, yeah! Suck it, bitch! I will murder you! I don't know why I messed with your head.
Did you start talking? Because I should brush my teeth.
At first, I thought I was just being mean, because you know I enjoy the misery of others.
It's not really a secret.
Whenever I see someone in love, I just lose it, and turn into an awful person.
Give yourself a break, Jordan.
Your parents were really mean to you.
Here's the big secret.
They weren't.
They were actually very supportive.
I don't know how this happened.
Look, Elliot, I'm a woman in her very, very, very late 30s who has problems opening herself up to love.
I hate being vulnerable.
I still play mind games.
Hell, to make Perry feel inadequate, sometimes I fake not having orgasms.
The point is, if you want to be happy, you should never, ever listen to me.
You maybe also want to say you're sorry? I do not.
(CLEARS THROAT) (SIGHS) Come on.
I'm sorry I was such a jerk.
I love you.
JORDAN: Even though I caused it, it still feels mildly heartwarming to fix someone's problem.
- Hello.
- What's up? TODD: That's why I'm glad I kept Turk from messing up his career.
TED: And I don't care if the nurses ever find out that it was me who helped them.
(WHOOPING) (CHATTERING) ALL: I guess we all have our parts to play.
Okay, I have a coffee for Snoop Dogg Resident.
SNOOP DOGG RESIDENT: I wish just once someone would call me Ronald.
LLOYD: Where did I park my truck? DR.
GREEN: Bees, bees, bees.
INTERN: That nurse is hot.