The Goldbergs s06e17 Episode Script

1 ADULT ADAM: Back in the '80s, my mom began work on her opus The Beverly Goldberg Cookbook.
She awkwardly pecked away at the typewriter for hours, carefully listing every Parm-filled recipe with meticulous detail.
She was so hell-bent on making her book a reality that she enlisted me to take the cover photo.
[Camera shutter clicking.]
I don't know.
I-I'm not feeling this.
Maybe bring a little energy to it.
Maybe not that much.
My mom was determined to make every recipe a cheesy, over-sauced masterpiece.
Naturally, we had to be the taste-testers, which was exhausting for everyone.
My belly's at full capacity.
Oh, God.
Yep, no one was off the hook, day or night.
Incoming.
Gah Mom! We're trying to watch a movie! And what better movie snack than my triple-cream beef stew? Oh, God.
Please no.
I have a major lactose intoler Ooh, that is rich in dairy.
[Snoring.]
Linguini and clams coming in.
Mmm.
[Muttering happily.]
I'm twisted up inside But nonetheless, I feel the need to say I don't know the future But the past keeps getting clearer every day It was February 27th, 1980-something, and my brother and I were busy getting our daily dose of exercise.
Okay, kiddos.
Stop with your beep-boops and your lady-reading.
Your cousin is gonna be here any minute.
How exactly are we related to this schmo, again? - You know my mom's great-aunt Rose? - ERICA: Who? - No.
- Already bored.
Well, Rose's sister Esther married Schmooly, they had two sons, Freddie and Ivan, who each married twin sisters.
So, he's not so much our cousin as he is a total stranger.
Family is family.
Even if they're from the Old Country.
We live in modern times now.
How is a country still old? - How? - That's exactly why I brought him to visit, so you can get to know him and ask him questions about life back in Russia.
Wait, he's Russian?! That means he's been bred since birth in a KGB lab to destroy our wonderful democracy.
Sit down.
He's not a spy, Barry.
He comes from a tiny village that barely has running water.
The floor of his home is dirt, for God's sake.
How does he know when he's done sweeping? He never is.
Look, I think meeting Groiseh Gleb is just what you kids need to get a little perspective.
Wait, what's his name? - Gleb.
- Are you saying Glen? No, Gleb.
As in actress Glenn Close? Gleb! So, not Glenn Close.
We've got three Glebs in the family, which is confusing, so that's why everyone calls him Groiseh Gleb.
What's "groiseh" mean? Groiseh means "big and plump.
" Trust me, you're gonna love Big Gleb.
Of the three Glebs, he's the funniest Gleb.
There he is.
How ya been, Gleb?! - [Russian accent.]
Fine.
- You just flew in from Kiev.
Boy, your arms must be tired.
Yes.
My whole body's very tired.
You think this Gleb came instead of funny Gleb? Bag? Take.
Oh! That is dense.
So.
Gleb.
How are things? Hungry.
Okey-dokey.
Is okay? You're family.
Our plums are your plums.
Mmm.
So juicy.
Nothing like this back home.
And to think, you kids just take that plum for granted.
Uh-huh.
How long's this dude gonna be here? Two weeks.
There's only so many fruits we can introduce him to.
We live in the birthplace of America.
Show the man around.
I'm gonna go get him a banana.
He'll go crazy.
And just like that, we had to entertain our Old Country cousin, Gleb.
While my mom was busy entertaining the Frentas with a fancy brunch.
I mean, I knew Babs had range, but watching her play a young male farmer? I mean, transcendent.
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, well, speaking of cookbooks Uh, no one's speaking of cookbooks, Beverly.
We were actually just talking about "Yentl.
" Yeah, well, now speaking of cookbooks Um, did I mention I'm writing a cookbook? You mean the cookbook you've somehow managed to work into every conversation in the last month? That's probably the one, yes.
Well, I have been very busy cooking and taste-testing, practicing my banter for the inevitable big city book signings.
If you need any help with your book, I can slip you my chicken piccata recipe.
I can help, too.
Sometimes I think my peanut-butter blondies are the only thing my family respects about me.
They are, and that's so generous, but this is it's a Beverly Goldberg cook I swear to God, if you say the word "cookbook" one more time, I'm gonna stab myself with this tiny jam spreader! Me too! All you talk about is that gosh darn cookbook and how you're gonna be thick as thieves with Julia Child! All I'm saying is that sometimes you just know you're gonna be best friends with someone before you meet them, and that's obviously very threatening to the three of you.
- Oh.
- It really is not! It's just that when we all get together, all you do is talk about cooking.
- Or the Bevolution.
- Or you trying to be a lawyer.
Wow.
I was not prepared for that tsunami of jealousy coming at me right now.
I'm sorry the rest of you don't have anything exciting going on in your lives.
You know what? I think you should go.
Go? It's my house! You go! Oh, but before you go, which one of these would look better on the front of my cookbook? - Unbelievable.
- You're the worst.
As the Frentas ditched my mom, we were doing our best to get to know our cousin.
Where's unfunny Gleb? Outside opening and closing the garage door with the clicker.
On the plus side, it killed three hours.
Why are we stuck babysitting a complete stranger? [Gasps.]
Stranger.
That's it! Yep, Barry's brilliant plan was inspired by this '80s gem.
Cheggit! Looks like we got our very own Balki Bartokomous.
The lovable foreign guy from "Perfect Strangers"? Oh, yes.
And that makes the three of us Coe-sin Larry.
Crazy as it seems, this was 100% true.
Just like the classic sitcom, we had a kooky cousin from the Old Country living with us.
Only one question remained.
But what do we need a Balki for? Hello? We got a dude who will do whatever we say 'cause he's trusting and unfamiliar with our ways.
Do what, exactly? He's an adult man.
That means he can buy us beer and rent us cars and co-sign loans.
The sky's the limit.
Come on.
Gleb won't just blindly do whatever we say.
Really? For the past ten minutes, he's been listening to that special cassette that cleans the tape deck.
Dude, using our childlike foreign relative for our own selfish gain is crossing a line.
Not to mention, "Perfect Strangers" is built on the flimsiest of premises.
You both make good points that are hard to ignore.
And yet, I will.
And so Barry proceeded to "Perfect Stranger" our cousin Gleb.
It just so happens, it was on the windiest day in Philadelphia history.
Sometimes the world looks perfect Nothing to rearrange Sometimes you just get a feeling Like you need some kind of change - No matter what the odds are this time - Whoo-hoo! Nothing's gonna stand in my way This flame in my heart Like a long-lost friend Gives every dark street a light at the end Don't move.
Standing tall So, you are using him as your Balki even though we told you not to? - I am.
- Looks kinda fun.
It is.
Standing tall On the wings of my dream The rain and thunder The wind and haze I'm bound for better days It's my life, my dream And nothing's gonna stop me now Hanging with Gleb turned out to be a real hoot.
Aah! As for my mom, she was ready to make a real apology.
Ladies, thank you for coming here today.
I know things got a bit tense at our last brunch, but everything's made better with tea and babka.
Babka does help.
[Women chuckle.]
Look, you guys are my dearest friends, and I don't want you thinking that I can't go ten seconds without talking about myself.
Well, it's only every 30 seconds.
- [Women snicker.]
- [Chuckles.]
Oh, come on.
You all know I can go at least 30 minutes.
[Laughter.]
What? I can.
I'll tell ya what.
If you can go ten minutes without making a single reference to yourself - Your kids.
- Your opinions.
- Your sweaters.
- Your couponing expertise.
How Farrah Fawcett stole your look.
Your matchmaking.
Let's not forget about the cookbook.
Then you'll have proven us wrong.
And what happens when I immediately prove you all wrong? Well, then, we will admit you're right, and then for the next ten brunches, all we'll do is talk about you.
That's my dream.
Challenge accepted, suckas.
[Laughs.]
Go! And so began my mom's epic journey to listen.
Yeah.
Turns out, it was hard.
Mm.
Mm-hmm.
She endured stories about other people's kids [Laughs.]
other people's opinions other people's lives I'm just gonna stretch.
You guys keep talking.
and the hardest of all other people's cooking.
when Chad said that my chicken was dry.
Cookbook! Cooookbooook! Oh, I have a cookbook with so many recipes that Chad would like more than your bone-dry chicken! Also, Adam went to a sci-fi convention, and Barry's applying to Penn, and Erica, there's not much going on there, but she's still a beautiful angel and so much better than your kids, and, oh, my God, that felt so good.
- And you lose.
- Come on.
That had to have been at least nine minutes.
- It was two.
- Oh, speaking of telling time, you know, Murray got me this new Swatch for our anniversary.
Okay.
We're gonna go now.
No.
Double or nothing? Fine.
Go.
Farrah did steal my look! We had "Perfect Stranger" ed our distant cousin Gleb, and it was all working out perfectly.
At least, we thought it was.
So, how's it going with your cousin? - Aces.
- So great.
We've been having a blast showing Gleb around.
Like yesterday, he was dying to drive me to the Starlog Convention in Jersey.
Oh, and today, he insisted on renting me a shore house for the summer.
He's the coolest barely-cousin I've ever had.
No! Is lies! They treat me like idiot and use me for your personal gain.
The sweaty boy make me buy crossbow.
Crossbow? You can't have that! Ah, according to this license, I can.
Lady sister make me rent beach house so can party like NBA star.
And tiny one make me drive him to American virgin space festival.
I'm just gonna assume there's something lost in translation here.
You raise spoiled children who make me be Balki Bartokomous from "Perfect Stranger" TV show.
You get "Perfect Strangers" in the Old Country? Nyet! You play it in front of me and say your plan out loud, like fools! That, we did.
What is wrong with you? You were supposed to get to know him.
In our defense, our time together was packed with kooky misadventures and we had very little time to dig in.
Oh, my God.
He came all this way to America.
Show him America.
And show him, we did.
- [Tires screech.]
- We jetted off for a day of bonding with Coe-sin Gleb.
- [Horn honks.]
- We knew the guy had a thing for fresh fruit, so we began at the Baederwood Market.
It made him happy.
Next, we took Gleb to see the latest "Rocky" movie.
I must break you.
But the Russian lost.
It made him sad.
So, to cheer up funny Gleb, we figured we'd introduce him to America's favorite Russian comedian of the '80s Yakov Smirnoff.
Good thing about doing comedy in Russia, you have captured audience.
[Laughter.]
ADULT ADAM: Unfortunately, Gleb found his act a little too real.
What's going on? I thought you were out showing Gleb the town.
No! First they show me "Rocky IV," then they force me to listen to man who make fun of horrors of the past.
Why?! Is no humor! Okay, well, when he puts it like that, it sounds like we're not good family members.
Albert, your children's children are people of garbage.
I have to say I agree.
All I wanted was to give you everything my family never had but all I did was spoil you rotten.
You got to be very careful of what jokes you say.
If you say, like, "Take my wife, please," you get home, she's gone.
[Laughter.]
Bev! Oh, wow! - You're here! Hello! - Hey, Ginzy.
Just thought I'd pop by and return your Cuisinart.
Oh, no.
Keep it.
It's yours forever.
- Have a nice day.
- What?! You're brunching.
Without me? We can explain.
Yes.
Okay, you know what? It's fine.
Words were said, feelings were hurt, but I am a big enough person to pretend that none of this has ever happened.
Sorry, seat's taken.
But this happened.
The Frentas replaced my mom with another yenta.
Oh, for God's sakes.
You invited Eileen Leffler instead of me? We just want a friend who doesn't only talk about herself.
And she listens to us and even asks follow-up questions.
Here's a follow-up question, Linda.
Not a lot of people came to your New Year's party, and I felt bad for you.
That is not a question.
It's a hurtful statement.
I cannot believe you just thought you were gonna replace me.
No one is replacing anyone.
There's room for five Frentas.
Well, there's only four drying stations at the salon.
What, someone's gonna sit at the end with a towel on her head, like a chump? I thought we would just take turns.
Look, you are my dearest and closest friends, and I love you so much, but right now you're acting like a bunch of [bleep.]
.
- Oh.
- Okay, if I may pipe in here.
Beverly, I truly admire you, and I think you are an amazing woman, but it seems like you're acting like the [bleep.]
here.
How dare you?! Wow! The potty mouth on this one! Huh? That's who you wanna replace me with? Hm.
Well [bleep.]
.
And so my mom swore off the Frentas forever.
Meanwhile, Pops had taken it upon himself to show just how spoiled his grandkids had become.
What the hell? Why is Gleb wearing my Flyers shirt? Forget your dumb shirt.
Why does he have my Caboodle? You mean Gleb's Caboodle.
Is perfect for storing beets and cabbage.
I've decided to take everything I've ever bought you - and give it to Gleb.
- What?! - No way! - But it's our stuff! But Gleb actually appreciates it and, frankly, needs it more than you.
He needs my Chairry? He can't have my keytar.
Gleb needs my Nintendo Power Pad? You mean Nintendo blanket.
This is crazy! What's he gonna do with a lacrosse stick? Is perfect for scooping up rodent - or fighting bat.
- Not cool, Pops! He can't just take my "WKRP in Cincinnati" record player! Is not for making pancake? No.
It's for living out radio workplace fantasies.
And if I have to explain that to you, it's clear you don't deserve it.
He deserves it more than you.
Okay, I think if we just calm down and take a breath, we'd all realize that Gleb can't take my GI Joe Space Shuttle and Snoopy Sno-Cone Maker! I need those to live! I think that's the problem.
Fine! We admit it.
We're selfish kids and we don't know how good we got it.
Now give me back my WWF Wrestling Ring, or I will cry right here, right now.
You learned nothing.
All I wanted to do was show you kids where I came from.
It was my fault for thinking you'd care.
Here.
Take your dog snow machine.
We have plenty of snow in Russia.
Pops was right.
We really did need to take a long, hard look at ourselves.
Meanwhile, my mom was looking for some new friends.
Heyyy, there's my Mentas! - Mentas? - Mentas.
You know, men yentas who are friends also.
I just coined it.
Well, un-coin it.
What are you doing at Bill's house? Sure, I'd love to hang out with you.
Thanks.
[Clears throat.]
So [chuckles.]
what's on tap for today? Watching the big sports event? Terrible game.
It's unwatchable.
Maybe we should have brunch.
You boys look hungry.
Got it covered.
Wing helmet.
- I think I'll pass.
- More for us.
So, this is your entire day, huh? Sure.
Sitting on your ass, eating helmet wings? - Sure.
- That's what Bill wanted.
It is his birthday and all.
For God's sakes, it's his birthday? Did you at least get him a gift? Of course he did.
Wing helmet.
Show her the wing helmet again, Mur.
I don't think she got a close enough look.
- Wing helmet.
- I've seen the wing helmet.
Hey, what's going on here? It's Sunday.
Why aren't you out eating quiche with the ladies who walk in front of my TV? You know, the ones whose, uh, hair shadows - I see in the dining room.
- I know who you mean.
And they don't wanna see me 'cause they said I'm selfish.
And they're right.
I've been a bad friend.
Enjoy your game.
Sorry to bother you.
Oh, boy.
The Frentas called out my mom for being selfish.
Luckily, Beverly had a Menta in her corner.
Ladies, it seems we have a visitor.
This will only take a second.
Uh, Marcie, Shelly, Tabitha um, I'm sorry, I forgot your name.
You've actually forgotten all our names.
And if Beverly sent you, you can tell her Ho, ho, ho, ho! She did not send me.
I came on my own to let you guys know what a great friend she is.
Who only wants to talk about herself.
Yes.
But to me, she only talks about you guys.
Murray, it's sweet you're here and honestly surprising to see you out of your chair, but we know it's not true.
Oh, but it is true.
She was so jazzed when Jimothy won that Flower Grower of the Year Award.
It's Charles, and, um, when I mentioned it to her, she didn't seem to care.
But she does care.
And you uh Cindy? Your place in Florida? She's doing everything she can to get me down there.
It's Essie.
And really? And you, Patty, she cannot stop talking about your son Stevie and how he can go to any Ivy League School that he wants.
It's Geoff.
But that's sweet.
Look, I know she talks a lot about her family.
But to her, you're family.
Wow.
What's all this? Well, we were hoping you might like a little brunch.
But you don't need me.
And why would you? I haven't been there for you.
And I know I always talk about my life, but it's just because I envy you all in so many ways.
I just want to be as amazing as you are.
No.
You are amazing.
Now, I don't know if you've heard, but you're writing a cookbook.
Everybody's talking about it.
Well, good.
Because I'm gonna need those recipes you offered up.
I'm gonna put them front and center.
Really? Of course.
I mean, yes, it's a Beverly Goldberg Cookbook, but who's Beverly Goldberg without her Frentas? With that, my mom got her best friends back.
All it took was a little help from the most unlikely of places.
Thanks to my dad, the Frentas finally realized that when it came to my mom, they were family, too.
Wow.
Is that you? Doesn't matter.
No, it does.
You're right.
We're stupid and selfish and have no idea how good we have it.
Look, I didn't want you to feel bad about what you have, but we all dreamed of coming here to start a new life.
Well, we really are grateful that we have a grandfather who was brave enough to go look for one.
Thank you.
But I'm not the one you have to apologize to.
In the end, sometimes the best way to say you're sorry is to start over.
You're packing? But your trip's not over for another week.
I think is nothing to see here.
You may be wrong about that.
Is tickets? To the Phillies game.
We wanted to show you America can be pretty awesome.
Standing tall On the wings of my dream Gleb ended up having the best trip of his life.
And 'cause of Pops, we made memories that would last a lifetime.
That's the thing about family.
You'll find that if you just take the time to get to know them, they can go from being perfect strangers to people you really love.
It's my life, my dream Nothing's gonna stop me now [Ding!.]
[Ding!.]
- This American fashion make no sense.
- Those are Z Cavariccis.
They're the coolest in trouser technology.
But why must there be two belts? 'Cause two is always better than one.
Just like wings on an airplane or a Twix.
Gleb not sure he can pull off LL Cool J hat.
Oh, you will with these bad boys.
But you see much less with these.
It's not about seeing.
It's about being seen.
It seems like ugly fad which will not stand test of time, yes? Trust us, G, the way you look right now will always be cool.
Always.
There we go.