The Nanny s06e17 Episode Script

Fran: Previously, on "The Nanny" Niles, listen to me, I'm your friend and I love you.
Don't spend the rest of your life wondering.
Carpe diem.
Miss Babcock.
Well, I've got to admit you surprised me tonight.
You finally pulled off something bigger than your shorts.
Oh, yeah? Well, you you look you walk like a Marry me.
Miss Babcock? Miss Babcock, are you in here? C.
C.
: Oh, God.
So tell me, what did he say? What did you say? I want to know all the details.
C.
C.
: Nanny Fine, I am involved in a private moment here.
Must you stand outside the stall door? Well, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I don't mean to be rude.
I just want to know what happened with you and Niles.
C.
C.
: Would you leave me alone? Why does everybody get so upset when I do this? - If you must know - Yeah? I was just proposed to by the most bloated, pathetic, domestic excuse for a man.
So what did you say? Well, it's always been a dream of mine to give up my Park Avenue Penthouse, and move into his room.
Oh, no, you turned him down because he's not rich? Miss Babcock, why do you always think with your head.
What does your heart say? Don't marry a maid.
Well, what does your liver say? Does that at least say 'can the maid take me out for a drink?' Nanny Fine, what is this sudden interest in my love-life? Did I interfere with you and Maxwell? Did I push you two together? No, you tried to push me in front of a bus.
Once, and I apologized.
I have to go find Yetta and tell her about this.
Why? Why Yetta? Because she forgets, and I can tell her over and over and over.
I cannot believe you are actually enjoying seeing this man in pain.
I live for moments like this.
I mean, he exposed his deepest feelings right out there in public where I could crush him.
What would compel him to do something like that? I have no idea.
Oh, excuse me, sir, but this is the ladies room.
Thank you very much for your advice.
Do you have any idea what a fool I made of myself? Fran: Yeah, I heard.
But, you know, just for the record, I told you to express your feelings.
I did.
I asked Miss Babcock to marry me.
Well, in the future, may I suggest that before you propose to a woman, you start calling her by her first name? I just want you to know that you have ruined my entire life, and I will never forgive you for this.
Excuse me, can you see if they have this in a size six? She was working in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens Till her boyfriend kicked her out in one of those crushing scenes What was she to do, where was she to go, she was out on her fanny So over the bridge from Flushing to the Sheffield's door She was there to sell makeup, but the father saw more She had style, she had flair, she was there, that's how she became the Nanny Who would have guessed that the girl we described Was just exactly what the doctor prescribed? Now, the father finds her beguiling Watch out, C.
C.
And the kids are actually smiling such joie de vivre She's the lady in red when everybody else is wearing tan The flashy girl from Flushing, the Nanny named Fran - Oh, darling.
- Oh, hi, sweetie.
Oh, sorry I'm late.
I got held up by Niles this morning.
Yeah, seems he's really quite upset.
Oh, poor Niles.
Yeah, I feel so bad for him.
I wish I could did he mention names? No, no, he just kept repeating how his life was over, and he had nothing left to live for.
Oh.
You know, he's probably just depressed on account of our show going from off Broadway to off.
- I'm sure you're right.
- Yeah.
You know what I thought it was, though? ( laughs ) What? I thought it was because he had proposed to C.
C.
and been turned down because of some big-haired woman's bad advice.
Who do you suppose that could be? Oh, all right.
So I gave him advice.
He's my friend.
How would I know that he would and I thought you liked my big hair.
And don't change the subject.
Now what have I been saying for the last six years, hmm? Well, I can tell you what you didn't say for the first five.
Don't get involved in other people's lives.
That will why do you have this constant desire to interfere? I have that obsessive-compulsive thing.
What's it called? Yenta.
I didn't tell him to propose.
He's been moping around the house lately, refusing to do any Hello! Both: Hello! Dr.
Reynolds sends her sincere apologies.
She's attending the female gynecologist convention.
- Oh.
- Women on Women.
I'm Margot.
- Hi.
- Dr.
Reynolds' sister.
Oh, two women doctors in one family.
My father has a couple of sisters on his side that both make dried apple people.
Well, it seems like all of your blood levels are normal, and everything is going right according to schedule.
You know, my husband's mad.
I could use a little sympathy.
Can't you find one little thing wrong with me? Well, your hair is a little big.
Fran, we recommend all first-time mommies carrying twins get a little taste of what it's going to be like.
So let me introduce you to baby Frank and baby Karen.
Oh What are we supposed to do with these? Use them for practice.
Oh.
They're programmed to cry and wet their diapers.
- Mm-hmm.
- Just like real babies.
Oh, I think this one just spat up on my jacket.
See, they do everything real babies do.
They're very expensive.
So was the jacket.
Now, here is their schedule, and you must follow it as if they were your children.
Oh, now, we don't have to follow this verbatim, do we? I mean, for instance, look here.
Tomorrow night we have plans, so we can just leave them and pick them up the next night, right? Sure, if you want to come home and find them dead.
Uh, Niles, do you mind if I talk to you about something for a second? What? You want me to propose to Miss Babcock on "Jerry Springer" so she can say no and beat me to a pulp? No, I promised my husband that I would no longer interfere in your personal affairs.
There will be no more advice passing through these lips.
Hit it.
- Niles.
- Yes, Miss Babcock.
Do you want to know where you went wrong with me the other night? Will you marry me? See, that was your mistake, butler boy.
You can't rush into these sort of things.
Who do you think I am? The impetuous, sexy friend? You're a small man.
Start small.
Ask me out to dinner first.
Oh, what a fool I've been.
So what you're saying is, I should go slow and ask Miss Babcock out to dinner? How you interpret the play is entirely up to you.
Thank you.
You know, you were very good.
- Oh, really? - Yes.
I think you should dust the entire house.
Fran, Miss Babcock hates Niles.
Why do you think she'd go out to dinner with him? Oh, sweetie, give me a little credit.
You think I'd go through all the trouble of writing this play if I wasn't sure she'd say yes? No.
Please, please, please go out to dinner with Niles.
( Baby crying ) Oh, Karen, please, I'm trying to talk to Miss Babcock.
Let me hold her.
Okay.
( Baby crying ) Wow, you're really good with kids.
Oh.
You know, God forbid I'm ever in the hospital on life-support.
Don't come visit me.
Come on, Miss Babcock, it's just one little bitty dinner.
What's it going to hurt you? Nanny Fine, this is none of your business.
My love life involves me and me alone.
Well, if you enjoy that, wait till you add another person.
I want a man who makes my heart pound.
Someone who sweeps me off my feet.
You're halfway there.
You got a guy that sweeps.
( Sighs ) Give me one good reason I should go to dinner with that man.
Oh, haven't you ever done anything just because it's a nice thing to do? Come on.
Come on.
I know you have.
Well, once I gave a panhandler directions.
There you go.
I told him to go to hell.
( laughs ) Val, you should have seen Niles.
He was so cute.
All dressed up.
He even brought a corsage for Miss Babcock.
Sort of reminded me of the night that I took you to the prom.
Yeah, you looked lovely, Val.
I'll tell you, I'm so nervous I can't wait for him to come home so I can ask him Uh, what his sponge-cake recipe is.
Gotta go, bye, Val.
Darling, do you do you have any idea why Niles is all dressed up and asked to borrow my Paco Rabanne? Don't know, not involved.
Want to make love? Come on.
Come here, you.
( Baby crying ) Oh, honey, would you go? I'm exhausted.
Darling, I am not getting out of bed to take care of a couple of dolls! Well, what if they were our real babies? Then I'd get them.
So what are you saying? You're not going to get up and help them just because they're dolls? Yes.
I wish you were more wrong right now.
Okay, okay.
( Crying stops ) ( giggles ) ( baby crying ) Oh, I'll tell you, that Karen is so hyper.
I'm removing her Energizer.
Darling, darling, let me give you some advice.
I've had children, and you cannot go to them every time they cry.
You have to learn which one's important, and what cry means what.
Well, this cry means mommy can't make love because she's too distracted.
That's an important one.
Thank you, sweetie.
All right, all right.
Daddy's coming.
Daddy's coming.
Oh, and honey? Don't be concerned about the little rash on Frankie's tushie, I just kept him too close to the toaster oven.
Honey? Honey, did you hear me? Frankie's tushie is oh.
Thank you, once again, this was the worst night of my entire life.
What could be worse than the other night, when you proposed to her and she said no? Tonight, when I proposed to her and she said no.
You proposed to her again? Did you learn nothing from my play? Oh, I knew that Brighton wasn't conveying the right pathos.
I just don't understand what went wrong.
We were getting along so well, we ordered our chicken piccata, she said, "I'm so hungry I could eat a horse," and I said nothing.
You said: "Will you marry me?" And she probably laughed in your face again.
She did not laugh in my face.
She said, "Stop asking me, I won't marry you, I don't like you", "and call the waiter, my breasts are dry," and still I said nothing.
I can tell you this much.
I can no longer stay under the same roof as that woman.
It's just too humiliating.
Now, I tried to take your advice.
I tried to do what you said to do, and it just didn't work.
So now I am going to have to quit.
Quit! Sweetie, I'm in the mood to make love now.
Oh, Fran, these dolls bring back such memories.
Yeah.
Remember when I had a doll like this, and how much you loved playing with it? - Mm-hmm.
- Then one day it just disappeared.
And then you got one exactly like it the next day, and I was so jealous.
Remember? Uh vaguely.
Oh, Val, I can't believe Maxwell is so furious with me.
I mean, this is not the worst thing I've ever done.
Why is he so mad at me this time? Because he found out about this one.
That made all the difference.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, sweetie.
Oh, look at this.
Brings back memories of motherhood.
Oh, ma, what did you do when me and Nadine started to cry? I left the room.
The sound was so annoying.
Fran, I hope it's okay.
Niles wants to borrow your suitcase.
All right.
Oh, my God, that looks just like the luggage my mother loaned you, Sylvia.
Remember when you went to Puerto Vallarta and the airport lost it? Uh vaguely.
Oh, Val, how am I going to get Niles to stay on? My husband told me I have to butt out but I can't butt out until I butt in.
It's a whole hokey-pokey syndrome.
Fran, maybe you should talk to Miss Babcock.
She's got to have some feelings.
You guys! Listen to this.
C.
C.
: I'll have chicken piccata.
Niles: Will you marry me? You know what the great thing is? These little tapes fit on my answering machine.
Oh, I am never going to convince her not to humiliate Niles.
Well, if you're going to try, now's your chance.
She's in a really good mood.
Oh, Miss Babcock, please, please, apologize to Niles and promise him that you won't bring it up again or rub it in his face? Um no.
Nanny Fine, do you remember when I told you that I was waiting for that magic? For something that just makes my heart pound? - Yes? - Well, I've got it right here.
So you might as well just save your breath, sister, because I am going to milk this for everything it's worth.
Uh, C.
C.
there you are.
Niles! Now, look here, C.
C.
, I refuse to let Niles quit because of this ridiculous nonsense going on between the two of you, do you understand? Now I want you to talk to him, I want you to tell him you're not going to rub it - in his face, and fix it.
- Okay.
Oh, God.
Niles, get back down here now.
Niles, I'm sorry this whole thing happened.
Let's just put the past in the past.
So you proposed to me four times.
- Four? - Four? Forget it.
I've been humiliated enough.
C.
C.
, C.
C.
! Niles, I'm trying to say something nice.
Help me, Nanny Fine.
What she's trying to say is that she knows she'd be darn lucky to have you, but she's a lesbian.
I am not! Look, what happened, happened, but it's just between the four of us.
Nobody else ever has to know.
I promise I will never tell another soul.
Niles: Will you marry me? I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I pressed it by accident.
That's it.
I am out of here.
She is never going to let this go.
An elephant never forgets.
Oh, please, you used that pathetic line on me three years ago.
See? Maxwell, I cannot do this.
Niles, I am sorry you're quitting, but I'm sure you have a career to fall back on.
You know, in case this dream didn't pan out.
Well, whatever I have to fall back on isn't half as big as what you have to fall back on.
I don't think this is going very well.
No.
No, honey, this is going great.
This is their natural habitat.
We're the strangers.
Just don't use the flash.
It startles them.
They could charge.
Me marry you? Please.
You are a pathetic excuse for a man.
Ditto.
But at least I know when it's time to move on.
You are going to spend the rest of your life pining for a man who doesn't love you, and who's married a woman half your age.
Oh, Niles, please don't go.
Look around you.
They're married.
They're starting a family.
Where are you going to be 10, 20, years from now? You're going to be saying "Merry Christmas," to your friends in rehab, and wondering what might have been.
I'll be leaving first thing in the morning, sir.
My God, he's right.
The best years of my life are gone.
And they sucked.
I have always stayed too long at the fair.
Well, not this time.
I have to move on.
Maxwell, my resignation will be on your desk in the morning.
You see what happens when you interfere? They're in here, aren't they? No.
( Baby crying ) Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry.
It's just that they were upset about Niles.
You know, they sense things.
They're rubber, and their butts are stamped, "Made in Taiwan.
" What can they sense? That their daddy doesn't love them.
Me? You're the one who almost melted Frankie on the toaster oven.
I was trying to make you a pita pocket.
I need Niles.
Darling, I know he's your best friend.
I know how you feel about him.
And I know it must be hard for you to see Miss Babcock go, seeing as you both were romantically involved.
We were not.
Just checking.
I don't know.
Maybe this is the best thing for both of them.
I mean, you and I, we made a huge change in our life.
Maybe they deserve to do the same.
Oh, I know you're right.
I'm being selfish.
I mean, there are so many things a man like Niles can do out there.
Can you think of any? C.
C.
will be all right.
I mean, she could find a position in any organization that needs a a, ah We have to stop them! The first thing that we're gonna do is tell Niles how much we love and value him! And then we're going to let him know that he is an important member of our family.
What floor is his room on? The first or the second? Oh, I'll follow you, I'll follow you.
You know, he's a very heavy sleeper.
Sometimes I'll ring him up for a diet soda.
I get no answer.
Coochie, coochie, coo! Hi, Yetta.
Hello.
You want me to make you something to eat? You cook? ( Jazz music playing )