American Dad s06e18 Episode Script

S06E18 Flirting With Disaster There's this misconception that the CIA is only about thwarting terrorism.
Truth is, we're just like any other office.
Come on.
You can do this.
- Boo! - You suck, Jackson! It says "No touchy.
" Yep, just your average, everyday office.
No espionage around here.
Especially with this little trick.
No! not my privacy strips.
Please come back.
Kind of fun when your car's in the shop and I get to drive you to work.
Makes me feel like we're partner cops.
Let's roll, there's a 10-2 over on eight, with a couple of perps.
Hey, why don't I come by and pick you up for lunch? Oh, babe, you know I'd love to spend every minute of every day with you, but I am too swamped to go off-campus today.
He really means it.
He'd spend every minute of every day with me if he could.
Security gate.
Oh, God! This is good.
Kiss.
Kiss.
Whew! We almost had two cars in the shop.
Morning, Stan.
Good morning, Lorraine.
Uhp-pa-pa.
Hang on.
I got to go over you with the metal detector.
Bup-bup, bup-bup, bup-bup, bup-bup bup-bup, bup-bup, bup-bup, bup-bup.
Uh-oh! Someone's got buns of steel! You smell that? Something's on fire? Oh, it's you you're smoking.
Yeah, I flirt at work.
We all do.
It's-it's nice to feel desirable, you know? It's harmless fun.
Like eating grapes at the supermarket, or taking your penis out on the subway.
Yeah! Shake it, Thunder Butt! I actually have a nickname around here.
The ladies gave it to me because of my legendary derriere.
Oh, you want to see the Thunder Clap? Whoo! Yeah.
There he goes.
Oh, man! Check it.
Hard, right? Like two rocks kissing over the mouth of a coyote den.
Hey, ginger scoops.
I was looking at nudie mags in that field and I need you to check me for ticks.
Oh, goodness.
This is truly the most beautiful birdhouse I've ever seen.
Did you buy it from God? No, I made it myself.
Steven, you have a gift.
With my business savvy and your natural ability, we could make a fortune.
Oh, I just do it for fun, and to help a bird or two get out of the cold.
What if you could help thousands of birds? Gosh, I-I'd say "yes.
" Put her there, partner.
I'll go drum up some business.
But first, I really need you to check me for ticks.
Anything? They're tough to see.
And I said, "I don't like tomatoes," and he said he can make it without the tomatoes.
Sounds delish.
This is good.
Kiss.
Kiss.
Oh, I didn't know the forecast was calling for thunder.
Whoo! Whoo! Thunder? What's she talking about? Oh, she's big into hang gliding.
She probably won't go up today.
Not with that much chop.
Phew! Attention everyone! Some of you have been asking where my assistant Monroe has gone.
What happened to him?! Simmer, Sanders.
Monroe has decided to breed mastiffs up in Canada.
Apparently you can get $1,200 per puppy.
So that's pretty good.
Anyway I decided to promote Lorraine to be my new assistant.
Now, we'll need a new receptionist, so I'm going through résumés.
But I'll be honest, the only ones we've gotten are from Chinese spies trying to infiltrate us.
Silly Chinese.
Even with their ninja magic they could never pass for one of us.
They've mastered art of the noodle, but not art of disguise.
Good one, Butch.
But seriously, anyone know anything about any launch codes? My name is Butch Johnson from 5 Green Lane, Plymouth, Indiana, zip 46563-3781.
I like shooting hoops and Ms.
Kelly Ripa.
But seriously, anyone seen anything to do with launch codes? Bam! Two orders.
Prepaid.
Oh, boy.
Wait.
Two houses? I-I don't know if I can produce at that volume.
Steve, relax.
You just concentrate on being the creative force God made you, and leave the rest to me.
To our new business.
To our new These are a lot stronger than when I was a kid.
Jocelyn.
Joss.
Jossy.
I wish that I was Jossy's girl.
Stan? Ooh! Francine! What are you doing here? I work here.
I'm the new receptionist.
I'll be right back.
I got to go fill out my paperwork with HR.
Isn't this great? You're still filming?! Don't you have enough footage yet? What is this even for? Uh, we are Dutch documentary crew.
Yes, the Dutch.
I believe them.
Checks out to me! But seriously, anyone know anything about any launch codes? Isn't this great, us working together? I know.
Yay.
How did this happen? It was at one of your office Christmas parties, years ago.
With Steve now in school, I've got the itch to start working again.
Your chest is crazy.
Definitely send me your résumé.
I didn't get the job at the time, but when I was dropping you off the other morning, I ran into Bullock.
My leg! You bitch! I'm gonna sue the living Crazy Chest.
How are you? Well, that is just fantastic.
Mind if I borrow your desk rock? Are you nuts?! You hired my wife?! So? I also banged your daughter.
And remember your Fourth of July barbecue? I muff-punched your gram-gram; She was just too senile to know it.
Work is where I come to socialize.
Having Francine here will ruin that.
How would you like it if your wife worked here? Oh, I'd love it.
Is there an opening for a woman who bangs every black man she meets in a Red Lobster parking lot? Three more orders.
You bought a scooter? Shouldn't we be putting our profits back into the company? The birdhouse game is all about appearance, Steve.
Do you think I would have made all those sales if I had shown up on my Hippity Hop? All right.
Well, can you at least go get me some more supplies? I'm on it.
Whoo-hoo-hoo! Stan.
Hi.
Oh, hi, Francine.
How's your day going? Thunder! Uh, I-I really got to go.
I-I have to mail something.
Yeah! Show the new girl the Thunder Clap.
Clap! Clap! Clap! Clap! Yeah! Well.
That was something.
Francine, I can explain.
Stan, don't worry about it.
It's just a little harmless flirting.
Right, that's all it is.
You don't have to change your behavior now that I'm here.
Are-are you sure? Absolutely.
Flirt away.
Hey, Jocelyn, good news.
I can still throw goldfish crackers into your cleavage.
Feel the bullet stuck in there? Mmm, I can't tell if it's that or an ab muscle.
Everything's so hard.
Is this-is this how we're fighting al-Qaeda now? By-by horsing around?! Stan, how come you didn't tell me everyone is so nice here? I've got your wedding ring.
Technically, you're not married.
Hey, you give that back.
Yeah! I'm the Mayor of Jam City! Hi, honey.
How was your day? Thompson's riding my ass again.
He still wants you to get that proposal done by Monday? I'm sorry, I'm going to have to work all weekend.
Oh, poor baby.
Tell you what.
I'll sit on the kids tonight.
You take a hot bath Tatianna! Leave me! Save the kids! No! What a piece of crap.
Oh, no! How could this happen?! This isn't a McGinty screw.
It's just a cheap knockoff! How on Earth? Roger! That bastard! Oh, Greg, look! The Aquabot made it to the shallow end.
Come on.
Stop it.
Oh! Wheel me back to my desk.
Spinny chair! Who wants my hot black box? Of coffee! What's the matter with you guys? You forget about Lorraine already? I'm wearing my Pocahontas boots.
Oh, damn.
Oh, damn, my ankle.
Damn it! These Indian boots are sexy as hell, but they do not support my frame.
Spinny chair.
I invented spinny chair.
Don't talk to me about spinny chair.
I hear you.
I'm old news.
Everyone's just interested in that wife of yours.
Well, I'm not happy about it, either.
When I flirt, it's cute borderline Smurfy.
When she flirts, it's not cute.
Sounds to me like that milky jezebel's giving us both trouble.
If we want things to get back to normal, we got to come up with a way to get Francine out of there.
Yeah, uh-huh.
I hear you.
Oh, hey.
How's your ankle? Not good.
Doctor says I got to lose 55 pounds.
I said, "Well, I'm losing you.
That's 200 pounds right there.
" Mm-hmm! Where the hell is my sandwich?! Where is Francine Smith? Oh.
Uh, her and a few people went down to the quad.
Hey, Lorraine, you got to get to the quad.
I thought of a way to take care of our Francine problem.
Oh, I was just about to call you.
I'm already down here.
I came up with a plan myself.
Oh, God! That's acid in your face, you fine-ass bitch! What kind of monster are you? You said, "Get rid of her.
" I meant get her fired.
I stayed up all night plotting an intricate scheme with Bullock's sandwich.
Yeah, well, while you were playing sandwiches, I was coming up with a real plan.
You melted my wife's face! Please.
How bad is it, Doc? Here.
Lookie.
Oh, God! Oh, no! Oh, God! How could you show me that? I know.
Normally, we'd give her a skin graft, but we're currently in a nationwide skin shortage.
We'll put her on the wait list, but it could take years.
Unless she dies.
Why did Lorraine do this? I don't know.
I was just talking to her about getting you fired.
I-I didn't mean for her to Wait.
You were in on this? I can't believe my ears.
You mean the holes where your ears used to be.
And I'm sorry.
Get out of here, Stan.
I can't stand to be around you.
Okay, well I'm going to go downstairs and grab a hamburger.
Just like the white-winged dove Sings a song, sounds like she's singing Ooh, ooh You! Steve! You bought cheap screws, Roger! You cut corners to pay for your your whores and your drugs and your stupid Klaus tattoo! Klaus likes it.
You know what? You're nothing but a drug addict.
Birds died because of you! Oh, my God.
Who cares? Our partnership is over! I never want to see you again! Then, don't look in the night sky, because I'm a star.
And that's not the cocaine talking.
So, girls, tell me more about your childhood.
Now, that's the cocaine talking.
How's she doing? Well, the good news is, eight people waiting for skin have died, so we're moving up the list.
But Francine's furious with me.
Do you want me to read to your wife? I could read her some launch codes.
But I would need those launch codes.
Good morning.
Oh, my God.
I'm out of here.
Oh, no.
What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be at home in case the skin people call? You'd like that, wouldn't you? Me sitting at home while you're here having fun.
Forget it, buster.
I still have a job to do, and I'm not going to let you take that away.
Is that Francine's voice I hear? Look who made a speedy recov No.
Hey, Jackson.
I have a face muffin in the toaster.
Oh, hi, Ann.
I need to talk to you about ordering some Not in the budget.
Hey, Dick.
Do me a favor.
Yeah, buddy.
Anything.
Can you go chat with my wife, flirt with her a little? - Your wife? - No.
I saw Newsies on Broadway, man.
I paid my dues.
Are you sure there's no way? - Francine! - Hey, foxy.
Oh.
Uh, hey, Dick.
You want to talk to me? Yeah, yeah.
Of course.
Settling back in okay? Keep going.
What you working on? Oh, I'm just Oh, sorry.
Been shedding scabs all day.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
That's cool.
I can't do it! Easy choice.
Hi, baby.
You were threatening him so he'd talk to me? Stan, I can't believe how dirty it is under my desk.
Hey.
Roger.
Wow.
I almost didn't recognize you.
It's been a long time.
I see you're still doing the birdhouse thing.
It passes the time.
It was always in your blood.
Yeah.
So how have you been? Good.
Real good.
Real good.
Cleaned up my act.
Got sober.
Living with a gal over on Canal Street.
Taking a couple classes over at the Y.
Getting this tattoo lasered off.
The the treatments hurt more than putting the darn thing on.
I'm sure.
I'm sure.
Listen, Steve, I'm sorry about what happened.
What I put you through.
Water under the bridge.
Hon-honestly.
Well, I better get going.
Maybe we can grab a cup of coffee sometime? I'd like that.
Hey, Roger.
Yeah? I'm rooting for you.
I know, Steve.
You always were.
Our birdhouse business had been hard on me, but it had taken a real toll on Roger.
I knew it wasn't true the classes, the girlfriend, the sobriety.
It was all a lie.
That's why I wasn't surprised to read in the paper that he had OD'd not ten seconds later.
Hey, Butch, it's Stan.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Fork, fork, fork, fork, fork! Get rid of the chopstick and use the fork! Hey, Stan.
What up, playa? I'm just hanging out with the Dutch.
Hey, sorry to bother you at home.
It's just, I-I got those launch codes you've been asking about.
Oh, my God.
But first, I just need you to take my wife to lunch tomorrow.
You know, flirt with her, make her feel good.
Aah! I give up.
I am Chinese spy.
Don't make me have meal with your wife.
Her face is too much! Oh, just have a seat anywhere.
I don't know what to do.
No one at work will flirt with my wife.
Why do you need someone to flirt with your wife? What do you mean? To make her feel good about herself.
But you're her husband.
Why you no do that? Well, because I don't know.
I-I guess I didn't think it would mean as much coming from me.
That so stupid, you silly goose.
Everything mean more from spouse.
You're right.
You're right.
Thank you.
So I'm not in trouble for being a spy? Oh, no, you are.
Can you believe that guy? You Dutch are all right, though.
Now, I have a question do all your ovens smell like farts? Where does that where does that saying come from? Hey, beautiful.
Stan? What are you doing? Flirtin' with ya.
Stan, it doesn't count.
I'm your wife.
No, it counts more than anything.
Instead of wasting my time flirting with people at work, I should have been flirting with you.
You mean flirt with each other? Go ahead.
Try it, Soft Shoulders.
Okay.
Um, what do you want for dinner? No, that's not good.
Um, did you remember to pay the gas bill? No.
God, it's so hard with you! Uh oh, I got it.
We have that thing at Steve's school on Wednesday night.
That maybe we should blow off and? Do something more fun? Like get drunk on margaritas? And touch butts under a bridge! Okay, well, it's a start.
We'll get the hang of it.
I love you, Thunder Butt.
That's it! What's it, my love? There you go.
Good as new.
Hey, Crater Butt.
Hey, Ass Face.