Black-ish (2014) s06e18 Episode Script

1 DRE: The world is filled with famous power couples.
You've got People magazine's Sexiest Man Alive John Legend and real people's Sexiest Woman Alive Chrissy Teigen.
Then, of course, there's former President and First Lady Barack and Michelle Obama.
And future President and First Lady Will Smith and Jada Pinkett.
You know he'd win if he ran.
And who could forget Sherman Oaks' very own Andre and Rainbow Johnson? With me as Senior VP of Urban Marketing at a major advertising firm and Bow as the flyest, most beautiful doctor since Dr.
Quinn, Dre and B were giving Jay & Bey a run for their money.
RAINBOW: Uh-huh.
Oh, right! Uh-huh.
Right! Uh-huh! - Uh-huh.
- Hey! Who put my "Black Panther" mug in the dishwasher? This is hand-wash-only! Oh, my God! Thank you so much! Um, y No, you have a good day.
- Bye! - Bye! Bow, this is a collector's item.
You can't get these anymore! - Dre! - What? That was Dr.
Lester from the California Board of Medicine! So? [Grunts.]
Ahh! They want me on the board.
- What? - [Mug shatters.]
My wife is better than all you suckers' wives! Hey, hey, man! What board is your wife on, huh? She probably in the house making them wack-ass candles! That's not even what the ocean smell like! [Laughs.]
My wife is on the board! T-That's it! Run! You'll never catch my wife! She's so far ahead of you! [Laughs.]
When Tom Cruise acts a fool in public for his woman, it's crazy.
When a Black man does it, it's love.
Whew! The Garretts thought they were flexin' when their daughter was on "16 and Pregnant," but, Bow, you are the one! - Me? - You the one! - Me.
[Muffled scream.]
- Uh-huh! - [Chuckles.]
- Aw, Dre! No one is a bigger, more aggressive champion than you.
You are the Clipper Darrell of my life.
[Chanting.]
Let's go, Rainbow! [Grunting rhythmically.]
- Let's go, Rai - Whoa, whoa! Dah, dah, dah, dah, dah.
Mom, does this mean that you own the hospital now? Or that you only do surgeries on celebrities? No, no.
I just have more responsibility now.
And I get to do great things not just for my hospital, - but also for the city.
- Mm.
And I'm ready for it, you guys.
Because while other children were doing "Pretty Pretty Princess," I was practicing finding veins on my teddy bear.
- Mm-hmm! - Wow! You sound like a fun kid.
Watch it, Ruby.
I'll start lobbying against Medicare.
- Oh, I'm scared.
- [Chuckles.]
You know, I am proud of you, mom.
- This marks phase two of your life plan, - [Refrigerator door opens.]
where you break away from the pack and join the elite.
- Boom! - Which sets us up for phase three you and me living "Grey Gardens"-style in a mansion built upon your legacy! What the hell is "Grey Gardens"? Sounds like a strip club that closes at 6:00.
- No.
- Y-You know what? Don't even worry about it, Bow.
I got you.
[Chanting.]
Let's go, Rainbow! [Clapping rhythmically.]
Okay, okay, what do we want for dinner, you guys? You guys want pizza? - Pepperoni.
Yes.
Yes.
- Pepperoni.
Yes.
- Pizza! - [Laughs.]
Two crazy old ladies who live in a broke-down mansion? What the hell is wrong with you? If I believed in therapy Mm.
Wow.
Dre, board member.
That's That's impressive.
I mean, Connor and I, we we've donated dozens of cadavers to the medical community over the years and haven't been asked to join as much as an advisory committee.
Well, don't feel sad, buddy.
It doesn't happen for everyone.
You know, maybe one day, you'll be on our level.
Well not really your level.
More like Bow's level.
Bow's level? What are you talking about? [Chuckling.]
Dre, come on.
She's a doctor on the board of a prestigious hospital, and you well, you sell flavored mayonnaise to shut-ins.
So it's not even a fair fight, Dre.
It's like a sumo wrestler versus a kid with tuberculosis.
Which I have seen live.
The kid won.
They shouldn't have allowed handguns.
You know what? You guys are crazy.
We are equals.
That's what makes us a power couple.
- STEVENS: [Laughs.]
- Ohh! - [Laughing.]
Power couple! - What? You're Y-You're not a power couple.
But it's not a big deal, Dre.
I mean, I'd love to be someone's beta husband.
- Beta husband? - Oh, yeah.
I love it when a woman takes control in the boardroom.
And the bedroom.
Especially in the bedroom because, uh [Chuckling.]
whoo, boy.
That whole thing can get real confusing.
Look, Dre, if you can't handle being Mister-Doctor Rainbow Johnson Eh then Charlie Telphy will step in.
I already got vanity plates.
I don't got a heart, but it, I'm paid Lil A beat a body, he fresh out the cage I'm still the same from minimum wage They tryna keep up, so they stalkin' my page - They do what I say.
.
- [Tires squeal, engine revs.]
Dre, Charlie's right.
It's time to get out of this relationship.
You've given it the old college try.
You've saddled her with five kids, but she just keeps going.
And now she's eclipsing you.
So, what? Pull the rip cord.
You guys have got this all wrong.
We are a team.
Mm-hmm.
A team.
A team like Sonny and Cher.
Or the Queen of England and that guy that's not the King of England.
I'm not taking advice from three guys with no wives.
What Bow and I have is special.
All right, tonight's feature is "Troll 2.
" Just one more, and we'll be through the whole Trollogy.
I hope this one's better than the last one.
Well, they must get better, or else Hollywood wouldn't have made three of them.
[Suspenseful music plays.]
Oh, my God.
What? No, it's cool.
I can clear a path.
Watch.
[Grunts.]
See that? Right? Or maybe we just watch in Diane's room? Yeah, mine doesn't look like the inside of Terrence Howard's brain.
You know, I don't really remember what your room looks like, Diane, but if it's anything like you, I bet it's got to be impressive.
Yes, it's my sanctuary.
But don't be thirsty.
[Door opens.]
Ta-da! Wow, Diane.
It's so Cool? Charming? Cute? I was going to say Eh.
" What's that? He said, "Eh.
" I mean, I was expecting stolen artwork or a throne made of endangered tiger bones.
This is so not you.
What? Did you see how many things are plugged into this one extension cord? I did.
Let's just watch it in my room.
Now that I Febrezed it, your eyes won't water.
Ouch.
Truth hurts, sis, but it needed to be said.
Says the guy who had Stone Cold Steve Austin sheets until he was 16.
Look, your room clearly needs a facelift, and I wanted to start design work to enhance my Stevens & Lido portfolio.
Maybe if you could can the sass, we could work together.
Fine.
I'll prepare the mood boards.
Those clowns at Stevens & Lido didn't know anything about what makes a marriage of equals work.
Fortunately, I didn't have that problem.
Flower delivery for the sexiest member of the California Board of Medicine.
Ohh, I don't know.
I beg to differ.
Have you seen Dr.
Feldstein without his glasses? Oh, boy, if he gets contacts, mm, watch out.
Dre, look what came in the mail.
- What's that? - This is an invitation to the Board's annual Fundraising Gala, the biggest event of the year.
We've officially arrived.
Let me see that, baby.
Move! Let me see that, baby.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Board Member Baby.
- Thank you so much.
- Mm.
I got some people on Instagram that I want to stunt on.
Really? And we were ready to take our victory lap together, as Dr.
Rainbow Johnson and guest?! Guest? Oh, man! Looks like you stunted on yourself.
Oh, my God! We weren't Jay-Z and Beyoncé.
We were Sonny and Cher! [Theme music plays.]
ANNOUNCER: It's "The Dre and Bow Comedy Hour," starring Bow! [Cheers and applause.]
What? Why does it say "and guest," Bow? My name is Andre Johnson, and I am not some piece of meat that you can just trot out to impress your friends.
What are you talking about? - It says "and guest" on the invitation.
- Yeah, I see it.
Is that what it's gonna say on my name tag? It's a gala.
They're not gonna have me put a sticker on my gown.
Could be a pin.
This is nothing for you to be upset about.
I was the last person invited, Dre.
The event planners just don't have your name.
It's no big deal.
Seriously, no big deal.
That's what it is.
Everything is their fault! 'Cause I am still great.
- [Laughs.]
- Yes, you are, Dre.
- [Refrigerator door opens.]
- And that is why I am so happy that you are gonna be there with me, because I wouldn't be there if it weren't for you.
- No, you wouldn't.
- Mnh-mnh.
- Because we are a team.
- [Whispering.]
Yes, we are.
And speaking of teamwork, let's go in on this dinner.
[Normal voice.]
Ooh.
Sorry.
Got to hop on a conference call for the board.
Speaking of which, Thursday nights are our meetings, so I'm gonna need you to pick up Jack from robotics.
Don't even worry about it.
Because we are a power couple, - and this is what power couples do.
- Yeah.
So, we are gonna turn this gala into Lob City.
Bam! Hold up, they don't love you like I love you Slow down, they don't love you like I love you Back up, they don't love you like I love you Step down After you, my queen.
- Rainbow Johnson.
- Yeah.
I'm with her.
Uh, I am here for whatever you need, okay? If you need me to be your body man to remember somebody's name, - I'm your guy.
- [Laughs.]
All right.
Oh, oh, oh.
Don't look now, but one of the actors from "Mad Men" - [Gasps.]
- is coming over.
Mm-hmm.
Right there.
[Whispering.]
That's Mayor Garcetti.
Oh, he looks taller in person.
- Dr.
Johnson.
- [Normal voice.]
Hi! Hey! We are so glad to finally get you on the board.
Oh, goodness.
Mayor Garcetti, this is my husband.
This is Dre.
- Oh, nice to meet you, Jay.
- It's actually actually So, Dr.
Johnson, let me introduce you to one of the platinum donors to the board.
Uh, this is Mr.
Campbell.
Brent Campbell.
- How are you? - He's with the Dodgers.
- Oh, wonderful.
- Oh! You know, we should get you to a game sometime.
- Yeah, we'd love to go.
- How are your moves? - Oh, well - We might get on the Dance Cam.
- [Chuckles.]
- I can floss, you know.
- Oh, my goodness! Look at you! - Uh-huh.
- I cannot do that.
- [Chuckles.]
So, Jay, tell me, are you in the medical profession, as well? No, I'm actually a Senior Vice President at one of the top advertising firms - here in Southern California.
- Yeah.
Oh.
Well, I guess we need those, too.
- Nice meeting you.
- Uh, yeah.
- Okay.
Good to see you.
- [Laughs.]
Good to see you.
- CAMPBELL: Goodbye.
- Bye! You know, we don't only sell product.
Uh, you know, we've been awarded for our advocacy work, as well, in the community.
- There she is, the woman of the hour! - Oh! Hi! Hey, Dr.
Chubb.
How are ya? Please, you're on the board now.
Call me Reginald.
Oh! Okay.
Reggie.
- Uh, Reginald.
- [Chuckles.]
Oh, God, Dr.
Chubb, seriously.
It's so much better for me.
You know, I hate to talk business at a fancy party, but since I've got you all here, do you care if we discuss one board matter? Not at all! What's on your mind? - Yeah Oh.
Well Oh.
- What? Sweetheart, you don't want to stand around while we talk all this boring board stuff.
- You mind getting me a drink? - Sure.
I'll grab you something.
- Thanks, sweetheart.
- All right.
So, what's up? [Chatter.]
[Chatter continues.]
I think you're really gonna love what I've drawn up for you.
Mm.
It better be good.
I can't get clowned by Mason again.
Okay, so, when you think "Diane's room," you think dark, yet sophisticated.
Imagine if the clown from "It" lived under a mid-century modern paradise.
I call this The Haunted Existence.
Mm.
- Mm.
- Wow.
This is a miss.
Mm.
Okay.
Uh, uh What about option number two? I call this one [Foreign accent.]
Cleopatra's Lair-r-r.
Should've called it Cleopatra's Miss.
[Laughs.]
Okay, Jack, thank you for the constructive criticism, but what really matters is what Diane thinks.
Mm I agree.
This is trash.
- Mm.
- Mnh.
You know what? Let's forget the design work.
Let's just get loose with it.
Huh? Like jazz! [Snapping fingers.]
I call this "design scat.
" You just say whatever comes to your mind.
- Okay.
- Okay.
"Arabian Nights.
" Diane in Space.
- Mnh-mnh.
- Old Hollywood! "Man in the High Castle"! Anything hitting? You need me to say it? Look, I'm gonna have to do this on my own.
I don't need these streets saying that Diane Johnson's room is "Eh.
" - But - [Sighs.]
But I have swatches! It's okay, Junior.
[Sighs.]
It's her fault for believing in you.
Mm.
[Indistinct conversations.]
Man, we're never gonna make it out of this line.
Hey, you think if I tell them my wife's a board member, they'll let me cut? [Scoffs.]
Everyone here is married to someone on the board.
Welcome to life as a plus-one, brother.
You've been benched.
Ha! Benched? Man, you trippin'.
I'm in a $9,000 suit.
I'm a starter.
Look.
I used to think just like you.
But the truth is, we're just drink-fetching, polite-chuckling, purse-holding arm candy.
If you're smart, you'll bring your own purse hook.
They don't always have them at the table.
You did that? Oh, my God! - I keep Oh! - Uh, excuse me.
Uh, may I steal my lovely wife for a minute? - Oh.
- Please? - Yes, of course.
I'll be right back.
- Okay.
Thank you.
- Oh, my God, Dre.
- Mm-hmm.
Holy moly, this is going way better than I thought.
Yeah.
These people are acting like I'm one of them.
Kamala Harris and I are gonna talk politics over aged Scotch, Dre.
Aged! - Bow, you don't even like Scotch.
- What? Who cares? It's Kamala Harris.
I am rocking this room.
Yes, you are, because we are superstars.
Yes, we are.
And I say let's take this rocking to a more private room.
- Oh.
- Maybe, like, the Four Seasons? [Gasps.]
And we can celebrate your all-star status.
Oh, my God.
We are definitely doing that.
As soon as this wraps up, we are going directly to the hotel.
- Directly.
- Mnh-mnh.
I can't wait that long, babe.
- What do you mean? - Mnh-mnh.
I can't wait that long.
- No.
- Don't do No.
- No.
- Oh, my God, I love it These shoulders are gonna take you right now.
[Chuckles.]
Stop, Dre.
- Come on.
Come on, look at this, girl.
- You know I love that.
- I'm getting my Teddy Pendergrass on.
- You No.
You are not No.
I'mma turn off the lights! You know how much I love that shoulder roll.
But this gala is not done yet.
It's still going.
Your work here is done.
Let's bounce.
- I can't.
- I This is my first event as a member of the board.
I know you're not about to let these shoulders go out - in the cold by themselves.
- Don't do it.
I'm ignoring you.
- Look at that.
- Nope.
- Lookit, I'm getting taller.
- Stop trying to lure me with sex.
- I'm getting taller.
- Stop it.
Dre, I have to stay here.
You know how important this is to me.
I just want to have some fun with my wife.
Dre.
I am staying.
You can go if you need to.
Seriously.
I get it.
I got this.
I can do this alone.
Okay? I thought Bow and I were Lob City.
So why did I feel like I just got cut from the team? [Door slams.]
Hey, baby, you're home early.
Mama, I bought that for Bow to celebrate.
Oh.
Well I didn't know.
[Chuckles.]
Where is Rainbow? Or did you finally come to your senses? [Groans.]
She's still at the gala with her bougie-ass Illuminati friends.
What happened, baby? I tried to be the best teammate for Bow that I could, but they didn't want to listen to me.
It's like they didn't care where I was coming from, like they were only concerned about what she had to say.
Now, you listen to me.
And listen good.
I would never say this if she were around, and I know it's gonna be difficult for you to hear, but Rainbow [Chuckles.]
is a star.
I know she's a star.
That's why we work.
- We're both stars.
- Yes.
But Rainbow is shining brighter than you right now.
You can't get your nose all bent out of shape just because she's getting more attention than you.
Mama, I'm not some insecure guy who needs a lot of attention.
All right? Recognition, maybe.
Praise, sure.
Admiration, yeah.
It's not your turn right now.
Your wife is having a moment, and you have to deal with it.
You should be happy for her, Dre.
I know I'm supposed to be, Mama, and I am.
But tonight, it just seems like I wasn't on her level.
Because you're not.
Are you sure you want to watch "Troll 3" in your room, Diane? You know, after your criticisms, I sat down and re-evaluated what I want my room to say about me.
And I think I came up with just the right thing.
Nothing's changed.
That's right.
Nothing's changed, chump.
Over here, you'll see the same bed.
Over here, you'll see the same paint job.
And over there, you'll see the same door any of you can walk out of if you don't like it.
[Scoffs.]
I think I speak for everyone when I say this is a miss.
No, it's not.
It's the same room, but you've brought an edgy new attitude, Diane.
But we didn't do shiplap or a feature wall! There's not a single piece of reclaimed barn wood in here! I think it's perfect.
- [Scoffs.]
- Totally you.
I'm sorry about what I said.
I'd love to watch "Troll 3" in here, if I'm still invited.
I guess that'd be okay.
Great.
Come on, Jack.
Let's go get some popcorn.
Ooh! I see what's going on here.
You and Mason Shut up, Longhead.
There's nothing going on here.
Okay, don't insult me.
I know romantic tension when I feel it.
I watch "Property Brothers.
" When I walked back into that gala, I knew what I had to do.
I finally realized I was just as happy being Gabrielle Union as I was being Dwyane Wade.
Some of these proctologists, they drink like they are trying to forget some things.
- You know what I mean? - [Laughter.]
[Clears throat.]
Excuse me.
- Hey.
Hi.
- Hi.
I, uh I need to apologize to my wife for me being in my feelings earlier.
Oh.
[Scoffs.]
I-I'll be right back.
- Dre.
- Yes? Baby, I'm so sorry I tried to get you to leave earlier.
All right? I guess I just let my ego get the best of me.
And I should have never left you on your big night.
Mm.
Thank you for the apology, Dre.
But what happened? I'm so proud of you becoming a board member and all of your accomplishments.
But seeing you kill it with these VIPs all night by yourself made me feel like you didn't need me.
Oh, babe.
- I don't need you.
- What's that? I choose you.
I love you, Dre.
So much.
And my life is so much more fulfilling because you are by my side.
And that's the way I want it to be forever us right by each other's sides.
I wouldn't have it any other way.
Dr.
Johnson! Baker wants to hear your Peruvian Heimlich story.
Of course! Oh, my goodness.
Oh! So, I set my pride aside and let my lady do her thing.
Hey, if she could carry five kids for me, I could carry a purse for her.
Damn, this thing looks small.
But it's got a real ass on it.
Knock-knock.
I hope I'm not disturbing you.
Oh, uh not at all.
Just doing algebra homework.
Like I'm ever gonna need that.
I have a little surprise for you.
I thought this one could replace Zoey's old one.
You're way more of a "Bye" kind of woman.
Aw.
Thank you, Mason.
[Chuckles.]
Whoa! What's going on here? I don't want this! [Scoffs.]
Stupid.
Hmm.
Whatever.
Come on, Mason.
Let's play "Smash Bros.
" in my room.
Hey, Mason.
Leave the sign.
It could be our secret.