Buffy the Vampire Slayer s06e18 Episode Script

- Previously: - I'm using you.
- This is you telling me - It's over.
- Where have you guys been? - Watching Buffy on the remote surveillance.
- I thought you were gonna go see Tara.
- She was seeing someone else.
Xander's gone? Xander's missing? - Is she here? - She left a couple of days ago.
She was kinda broken.
I love her and, God, I miss her so much.
No! How could you do this? Buffy, stop! No! - I'm so sorry.
- We're OK.
It's all OK.
Aha! - They're getting to the gate! - Yeah, I see it, I see it! We're gonna lose'em.
We need that disc.
Wait.
- How ya doin'? - Oh, fine.
You know, same old, same old.
Yeah.
I could take care of this guy if you want.
Whatever.
Your call.
I mean, sure, he don't look like much, but I'd wager he could give you a bit o' nasty.
Save you the staking.
All you gotta do is I am not telling my friends about us.
Right, I'll just be droppin' him down to you, then.
You wanna tell'em so badly? Go ahead.
You know why? I tried to kill my friends, my sister last week, and guess how much they hate me.
Zero.
Zero much.
So I'm thinkin', sleeping with you they'll deal.
In that case, why won't you sleep with me again? Huh? Because I don't love you.
Like hell.
Hey! Hey.
Look at you.
All comin' out of class and everything.
I do that sometimes.
Usually at the end part of the class.
Right.
So how's your after the whole basement deal? It's between a hitch and a kink with a side of a twinge.
It's OK.
And Buffy's OK too? Enjoying the refreshing sanity and so forth? Ha, yeah! Refreshing sa That's funny.
She's OK.
A little freaked.
- I'm glad she didn't hurt you.
- You, too.
So, this is becoming kind of a regular thing, you and me after class.
Uh I didn't Only this time you stuck around.
Uh Um Various sounds of hesitation She was just a friend.
Friends are nice! You rushed off before I could, you know, explain.
Well, officially, I have to say I have no idea what you're talking about.
Unofficially? We should have some coffee sometime.
Maybe some day this week after class? - I'm free tomorrow.
- You could bring your friend.
I wasn't gonna I mean, if you have a friend No! I'm I'm friendless.
Yeah, yeah, no friends.
I mean, I have friends.
Right, many dear friends, yeah.
- Coffee.
- With us.
Who are just friends.
OK, how about this store? Ah! Three pairs of earrings, a coin purse and a toothbrush.
You stole a toothbrush? - A mother-of-pearl handle.
Very fancy.
- Yeah, but you stole a toothbrush.
As far as rebellious teenagers go, you're square.
Dental hygiene is important.
Guess this was kind of a lame sisters' day out, huh? I make up for trying to kill you by taking you to places you can't go in.
No, it's my bad.
I'm the one that got caught takin' stuff.
The pet store.
You didn't take anything from there, did ya? A pocketful of goldfish.
It didn't work out.
No! OK, good.
We can go look at all the puppies.
Oh But it's so awful! There's puppy mills, and keeping them in cages, and people poking at'em all day.
Yeah, but puppies - cute! Come on, you used to love the pet store.
Yes, when I was in my fives and sixes.
Come on, we'll go look.
Besides, I don't think there's another store here where I can show my face.
It'll pass.
You've returned all the stuff you still had, and we're paying for the rest.
- I'm paying for the rest.
- We'll figure it out.
Get back! You don't wanna make me rush this.
I'm not impressed, Padawan.
When do we hit pay dirt? If something goes wrong, it's gonna surge.
We'll be deader than an ex-girlfriend.
- What did you say? - Just let me work! All right.
You do what you need to do.
You get us the goods, and then watch out! It'll be like the whole world just spread open and gave it up for you, man.
And then we're done, right? We each take our share and we call it a day.
You're that ready to get rid of us? Huh? Don't worry.
We pull this off, you can go buy any tropical island you want.
Cheer up, Short Round.
You're about to get us everything we ever wanted.
- He's almost done.
- I sorta feel kinda sorry for him.
- That's a weakness.
- OK.
Hm Look at him.
He's got that same look he had that time I highlighted in his Babylon 5 novels.
Right before he told his mom on me! Warren, I don't think we can trust him.
We don't have to.
Not for that much longer.
Is it gonna be that soon? The milk in the fridge.
How long till it expires? Well, we got it on Friday, and there wasn't a full two weeks on it, but we did get it in the fridge quick.
Unless I'm thinking about the 2% milk Forget it.
The thing.
It's gonna be soon.
Oh.
Wow.
Oh, my God.
- How are you? - Ducky.
You? An Please Let me explain.
I know there's nothing that I can say or do to make up for what I did.
I can't.
Sometimes when I wake up in the morning I'm, like, "Oh, God! Is this my life?" - "Was that me?" - Me, too.
But you gotta believe me, please.
I want to make up for it.
I wanna take away the hurt.
I love you so much.
I may have practised that a couple times in front of the mirror.
I just I don't understand what happened.
I do.
I'm an idiot.
All I had to do was say something earlier.
I could have spared you from that that nightmare.
Said something about what? No, no! I mean you know, if I were, like, more self-aware.
Because with the whole idiot thing.
If you had been more self-aware, you would have what? - Been able to stop the wedding? - No, it's not like that.
That's not what OK, see, I didn't practise this part.
Do you still want to get married? Oh.
An, it's a very complicated question.
No, actually, it's really not.
It's kind of an either-or deal.
Do you want to get married? Someday, yes, very much.
When we're ready.
I don't want you to take this as a bad thing.
It's good.
I love you.
I love you so much.
I'm just trying to be honest with you.
Yes.
Honesty now.
Congratulations, Xander, on being honest now.
I wonder what the medal will say.
- OK, clearly I'm not handling this well.
- Well, duh! All I want is for us to be together.
I love you.
I wish we could just go back to the way things were before.
And I wish you were never born! I know this is all coming out wrong.
I wish you felt the pain of a thousand searing pokers boiling your heart in its own juices! I know, honey.
I totally deserve that.
I I wish you had tentacles where your beady eyes should be! I wish your intestines were tied in knots and ripped apart inside your lousy gut! - They are.
- Really? - Right now? Does it hurt? - God, yes.
It hurts so bad it's killin' me.
Anya, I love you.
I wanna make this work.
Those are metaphor intestines! You're not in any real pain! - What's wrong with me? - No, honey, it's not you.
It's me Oh! An! An! Wait, please! An! So there was no child support in, like, So now, every time he touches a paper that isn't a cheque for the child, paper cuts.
You know how I hate to toot my own horn, but now his hands are just covered in all these tiny little bandages.
Like a quilt.
- You know, made of bandages.
- Hm? OK.
Do they not teach listening skills in human world? Sorry.
I know.
I'm just distracted.
About Xander? Don't worry, you'll figure out a way to That's just it.
I've tried everything, every curse I knew.
Nothing's worked.
- Wait.
Did you try to curse him yourself? - I am the wronged party.
Of course You can't exact justice against someone on behalf of yourself, silly! How long you been away? I haven't been scorned by a man in, like, a thousand years.
I never had to make a wish for myself.
There has to be some way around that.
Well You could try getting someone to make the wish for you I suppose.
Uh Did we open a chain? Are we the International House or something? Nope.
It felt like a breakfast kind of morning.
- What kind of syrup on your pancakes? - Syrups have kinds? Oh! I was thinking, after the mall yesterday, maybe we shouldn't go out tonight.
Maybe we could stay in and - ow! - you know, get a pizza or rent a movie? Also, I didn't know if you had plans, but I thought maybe we could Hey, Buffy? I'm gonna be OK with the basement thing.
Really.
- You weren't you.
- This isn't guilt.
- I want us to spend time.
- OK.
Good.
I love spending time - But I'm cramping your teenage style.
- No.
Yes, I am.
I'm the embarrassing mom who tries too hard.
When did this happen? No, you're not.
It's not that.
It's just What if, instead of you hanging out with me, maybe I could hang out with you? Why don't I come patrolling with you? Oh.
And then we can invite over some strangers and ask them to feed you candy.
Well, you guys went out patrolling every night at my age.
True but technically you're one-and-a-half.
See, I thought a little levity might but OK.
Also no.
I just I just think I could help.
I'm sure you could.
But it's a little more dangerous than I had in mind.
But Dawn, I work very hard to keep you away from that stuff.
I don't want you around dangerous things that can kill you.
Which would be a reasonable argument if my sister was chosen to protect the world from tax audits.
But, see, my sister is you, and dangerous things that want to kill me seem to find me.
But you don't need to go looking for them.
Eat up.
You're gonna be late for school.
OK, wait.
It was under her wig? Well, it just came out from inside her head.
Oh, that's disgusting! What did it look like? Well, let's put it this way.
If I wasn't gay before - God, and this was after the invisible ray? - Yeah.
- I'm gone for a couple of months - Did I tell you about the demon eggs? See, now I know you're just trying to make me jealous.
- What, no rollicking adventures in the dorm? - It's not the same.
It's not like living with family, or sharing a room with someone you Are friends with? Hi.
- Oh, my God! You're back.
- We've been so worried.
Yeah, sorry.
I I needed to, you know I couldn't stay here.
Not after everything that happened.
No, no, no.
We totally understand.
But you're back now, right? It's complicated.
You know, there's a lot to deal with.
Well, if there's anything we can do Actually there's an eensy something I could use a little help with.
You're lesbians, so the hating of men will come in handy.
Let's talk about Xander.
- He feels awful.
- You think it's anywhere close to what I feel? - No, but - What if it were you, Dawn? What if all you dreamed about was that magical day when the person you loved would promise to cherish your heart for the rest of his life, but instead he shatters it into a million jagged pieces? Well, it's not really so much about hating the men.
We're more centred around the girl-on-girl action.
And men really like to watch that kind of stuff, don't they? Men like Xander.
- I don't think he could feel any worse.
- Let's test that theory.
Anya, Xander's my friend.
I know what he did was wrong.
- If it happened to me, I'd - Wish his penis would explode? - I never use that word any more.
- Coagulate? W-i-s-h.
- Oh, "wish".
As in "l wish Xander" - Right! That word.
There are vengeance demons that are still active, remember? - Any "l wish" can end in horrible grossness.
- Give me a for-instance.
I don't think I should.
Did I mention the "left at the altar" thing? Didn't leave that out, did l? No.
Look, I know what he did was wrong.
God, if it happened to me, l It must have been torture.
OK! Let's talk about torture! So, tell me more about wishing Xander's brains and guts would go blooey.
- I didn't say that.
- You did.
- I didn't.
- I heard you.
- I swear I didn't say that.
- Say what? Um I just saw you were back and wanted to talk to you about working off my debt.
You know, my whole sticky-fingers, grabby-hands thing? Oh, right, the mad thieving! Good, yes, there's much to do.
I'm gonna put you to work, missy! Back to Xander's brains and guts Squish, squish, squish! Guys have been running roughshod over you for years.
Torturing that little ticker.
Aren't you sick of it? Don't you wish guys Whoa.
Guys? There have only been four three.
Three.
Three guys.
That's barely plural.
Didn't each of them rip your heart out? Don't men like that - to pick an example, Xander - deserve to be punished? Well, Xander is a guy, so it's kinda not the surprise that he likes to watch girls.
- Why are we talking about this? - We're comforting me! Well, I guess it's natural for guys to be interested in God! What kind of lesbians are you? If you love men so much, go love men! - Anya, I know you're hurting, but - What? Xander doesn't deserve to suffer cos he's your friend and I'm not? No.
That's not what I'm saying at all.
- What he did was wrong.
He knows that.
- It's just it hurts.
He hurt me so much.
He really did.
Look, I wish that Anya? Congratulations.
They all still love you.
Even after what you did to me.
- Anya, wait - OK.
Not crazy about that idea.
- I have to go after her.
- Or, in the land of the sane, you could give her some space, let her cool down.
That's not Proactive Guy.
That's Sit Around and Watch the Rest of your Life Turn to Crap Guy.
True, but at least Crap Guy gets to keep all of his appendages.
And I'm supposed to what? Walk away? Shouldn't be too hard.
It's what I'm good at, right? OK.
That's why a heart-to-heart is probably not your best course of action right now.
You're both angry and upset and What the hell is that creepy little thing doing in my yard? Did Willow put that there? I'd have crawled out of the grave sooner - Buffy.
- Oh, my God.
Someone's been keepin' an eye on all your ins and outs.
Who? Well, now, let's see.
Who's obsessed with Buffy? Who likes to hang out in her yard and keep an eye on her? Who's in love with you and not getting any? - What's this? - It's a camera.
Yeah, I got that part.
Why am I holdin' it? Someone was using it to spy on me, on my house.
- Xander thinks it's you.
- Oh, the great Xander thinks so.
Shudder, gasp! It must be true! - Spike - That ponce has always had it for me.
Every chance he gets, he sticks it You believe him, don't you? You think I was spying on you.
- You think I could do that? - You don't lie, cheat, steal or manipulate I don't hurt you.
I know.
No, you don't.
I've tried to make it clear to you, but you won't see it.
Something happened to me.
The way I feel.
About you.
It's different.
And no matter how hard you try to convince yourself it isn't, it's real.
I think it is for you.
I know that's not what you wanna hear.
I'm sorry.
I really am.
But, Spike, you have to move on.
- You have to get over - Get out.
No! They're all "Poor Xander.
It took so much out of him, all that running away.
" - I just don't understand these people.
- Did you really think they would help you? But Do you want retribution, Anyanka? - I want Xander good and cursed.
- Then you know what you have to do.
Get a wish from someone who doesn't freaking love him.
But my social circle is a little limited here.
Am I supposed to just stumble upon someone who doesn't give a fig's ass if Xander gets hurt? Hey.
I need a thing.
- So, what's your pleasure? - Fresh out of pleasure.
That's why I'm here.
I need something.
A numbing spell, maybe.
Uh-huh.
Hang on.
Oh, my God.
Spike hates Xander.
Maybe I could get him to wish Dammit! If only he were a woman.
Got it! If I can somehow get someone to wish that Spike were a woman, then I could go to him Well, he'd be a her by then.
I could go to her Anyanka, there's an easier way.
I know you have this female-power thing, and I think that's cute.
But I've been telling you for decades - men need a little vengeance now and then, too.
Oh.
Maybe this is a good chance to try that out.
Good luck with that.
Ta-ta! Sorry to bust up the little girls' night out.
That's OK.
I'm ready to do some business.
Right then.
Got something that'll dull the ache a bit? Actually, yes.
Giles left a couple of supplies here that I think just might help.
Eases the hurt, makes the sun shine a little brighter, even makes boring people seem more interesting.
Ah! Here.
Can you see who's getting the camera signal? Should have something once I get tapped into the fibre optic network.
We're gonna use the feedback relay to get their signal routed into our system.
OK, if it's not Spike - and I'm not saying I believe him - but if it's not Spike, I think we already know who's behind this.
Makes sense.
I want to find these guys.
Uncover.
There.
That's it.
That's where we have to go.
Well, now that we've found out where to go Agh! So then this girl says "Real for you.
" Right.
But getting back to Xander Xander.
Let's not waste any more breath on that wanker.
But he made a fool of me.
And nobody seems to care enough to do anything! I care.
What he done to you? I'd never stoop that low, and I'm an "evil, soulless thing".
- According to some people.
- Shouldn't he pay? Don't you wish he had to pay in some horrible way? Absolutely.
Take him on myself, if it wasn't for my little handicap.
Right.
So, hypothetically, what do you wish you could do to him? You name it, pet.
You're the wronged party.
Something gruesome, how about? - Hey! That's my blanket! - That makes sense.
It was your fire.
Hey, hey.
I think I've got something.
Thing about it is, none of this was my idea.
I didn't ask to be human.
Right! And I didn't ask for this bloody chip in my head.
To tell you the truth all I wanted was to use him and lose him.
I hadn't had a good tumble in a thousand years.
Me, too.
The using part.
I just wanted to know what I was missing, move on.
Yeah.
And he was all bumpy in the right places, and nice to me.
She was so raw.
I never felt anything like it.
Next thing you know, I'm changing to please him.
- I care if he cares! - Right.
And I'm off my guard.
Happy! I'm singing in the shower and doing my sexy dance! Exactly.
I have no dance.
Talk to me, Will.
The technology's pretty sophisticated.
Lots of booby traps and firewall stuff.
- But can you get us a location? - Well, hey, I'm still me.
Just one - Whoa.
- What? There are other cameras.
- Screw'em! - To the rafters! I did everything for that man.
Was it ever enough? Never! I was always going above and beyond.
I saved the Scoobies how many times? - And I can't stand the lot of you.
- Me either! I hate us! Everybody's so nice.
Nobody says what's on their mind.
You do.
That's why you're the only one of them I wouldn't bite if I had the chance.
- Really? - Absolutely.
I have nothing but respect for a woman who's forthright.
Drusilla was always straightforward.
Didn't have a buggerin' clue about what was going on, but she was straight about it.
That was a virtue.
Xander didn't think so.
He thought I was rude.
That's because he's one of them.
Uptight.
Repressed.
- You think? - Please.
It's no wonder they couldn't deal with the likes of you and me, love.
We should have been dead hundreds of years ago, and we're the only ones who are really alive.
Oh, my God.
The Doublemeat Palace.
The Bronze.
My classes on campus.
Xander's site.
What? They've been spying on all these places? I can tell there are more feeds.
I'm just having a harder time pinpointing them.
Here, let me Here.
Ladies last.
Thank you.
Take it quick or my chivalry'll run out.
No.
Thank you.
This is the first time since It just feels good to be with someone who understands.
Intimately.
This whole time, I've been coming on all hell-bent and mad.
- Wanting his head, you know - Yeah.
When really l can't sleep at night, thinking that it has to be my fault somehow.
Shh What if he's just pretending? What if he never wanted me the way I wanted him? - Ohh, I'm sorry.
- Now, now.
He would have to be more than just the git he is, Anya.
He'd have to be deaf, dumb and blind not to want a woman like you.
Then why? The two of them they're weak, is all.
But I tell you what, though.
They'll miss the water now that the well's gone dry.
- Too hot to handle.
- Mm Too hot.
Um Just one question.
Hm? Can I see your sexy dance? I'll show you mine.
Wait, wait.
- What are we doing? - Moving on.
I think there are a couple more transmitters on the network.
I just I've almost got a picture on'em.
You know I'm only doing this because I'm lonely and drunk and you smell really good.
See? Forthright.
- Ah! - They've tapped into our feed! I think I've got the Magic Box.
Whoa! Shut it down! Shut it all down! - I can't find - Here, dorkface.
- I'll get it myself! - Guys, we have to Oh, holy crap.
- Oh, my God.
- What is that? Porn? - Oh, my God.
- Is that the cam in the Magic Box? Oh, my God.
What are they? Ohh.
- Is that? - Spike.
He is so cool.
And I mean, the girl's hot too.
Dude.
Wait, Xander, no.
Oh, God.
Hey, guys.
What's up? I What is she? Buffy? That's enough.
Here, let me just We aren't even really sure what we're seeing here.
There could be something - There.
Got it.
Xander? So this is it? This is the stuff you've been protecting me from? You and Spike? And a lot of monsters.
Uh-huh.
But it's over.
Spike.
- I wish you'd told me.
- I kinda didn't wanna admit it to myself.
I get that.
I know it must hurt to feel like you have to hide, to keep secrets from everybody.
Buffy, Xander's gone.
He took your axe.
Get up! Get up! You're just gonna sit there? Do nothin'? - That the kinda man you are? - I'm not gonna fight you.
Chip.
Too bad.
Xander, no! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! - Xander, l - Don't even try to deny it.
Cos we saw it all.
The whole beautiful show.
How? It was just It was just a thing.
I I felt bad, and he was just there.
Didn't take long, did it? Oh, OK! You had to do it, because he was there.
Like Mount Everest.
- Like I used to be.
- And then you weren't.
You left me, Xander, at the altar.
I don't owe you anything! So you go out and bang the first body you can find? Dead or alive? Where do you get off, judging me? When this is your solution to our problems.
I hurt you, and you hit me back.
Very mature.
No, the mature solution is for you to spend your whole life telling stupid jokes, so that no one will notice that you are just a scared, insecure little boy! I'm not joking now.
You let that evil, soulless thing touch you.
You wanted me to feel somethin'? Congratulations.
It worked.
I look at you and I feel sick, cos you had sex with that.
- It's good enough for Buffy.
- Shut up and leave her out of Buffy? - Xander - I don't want to know this.
I don't want to know any of this.
Bloody Xander, buggered up everything.
- You know, I wish - Don't.
Things fall apart.
They fall apart so hard.
Tara? You can't ever put'em back the way they were.
- Are you OK? - I'm sorry.
It's just You know, it takes time.
You can't just have coffee and expect I know.
There's just so much to work through.
Trust has to be built again, on both sides.
You have to learn if if we're even the same people we were, if you can fit in each other's lives.
It's a long important process.
Can we just skip it? Can you just be kissing me now?