Family Ties (1982) s06e18 Episode Script

(no voice) I bet we've been together for a million years And I bet we'll be together for a million more Oh, it's like I started breathing On the night we kissed And I can't remember what I ever did before What would we do, baby, without us? What would we do, baby, without us? And there ain't no nothing we can't love each other through What would we do, baby, without us? No, no, see, this color's all wrong for you, Andy.
You must stay away from green.
I'm not promising anything.
You are a winter person.
Your colors are gray, blue, navy, azure.
And you must stay away from plaids and avoid large prints whenever possible.
Hey, I came in here to eat.
Andy, I'm giving you a free color analysis.
So? I don't even pick out my own clothes.
Hi.
Is your dad home yet? - Hi, Mom.
- No.
Has he called? No, not yet.
Why? Well, your father is down at the Columbus Community Playhouse.
They are considering putting on a play he wrote, and I'm just kind of anxious to see what the decision is.
Really? What's it about? Well, it's a very autobiographical story about how we met and fell in love.
There's some very nice moments from the '60s.
A Draft Card for the Burning by Steven Keaton.
Oh, wait a minute.
"Oh my diamond in the rough from Buffalo, come let me love you.
" Wait a minute.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
I've-I've heard that before.
Wait a minute.
Oh! It's an old memory.
It's an old, old memory.
I'm-I'm in my crib I'm-I'm tossing, I'm turning It's a nightmare.
It's Dad's play.
It's alive! There's a chance that the Columbus Community Playhouse is gonna do it.
They must be stopped.
I think it's nice that it might be produced again.
You mean it's been produced before? Oh, yeah, when we were in college.
Your father directed and I had the lead the activist-anthropology student Sequoia Free.
(Alex laughs) I'm telling you, the '60s were a joke.
I mean, everyone was running around with these cartoon names.
I wouldn't laugh if I were you.
When you were a little baby, we called you "Moon Muffin.
" He looks like a little moon muffin, doesn't he? Yeah, well, it could have been worse.
I could have been "Moon Muffin Free.
" I remember you telling us about this play.
Isn't it the one that almost broke you and Dad up? Yeah.
It-it did almost break us up.
Your father's whole personality just changed completely.
He became insanely jealous about whoever played opposite me.
He became extremely pompous and terribly theatrical.
(singing fanfare): Yum-da-da, da-da-da, dum! "The Columbus Community Theatre is proud to announce "the Ohio debut of Steven Keaton's A Draft Card for the Burning.
" Oh! Congratulations.
STEVEN: Well, thank you.
It's going to be the first in their "Undiscovered Playwrights of Ohio" series.
I'm going to direct it, and, Elyse, I want you to star in it.
Oh, it's so sweet of you to think of me I can't.
Why not? It'll be just like the old days.
That's what I'm afraid of.
I-I know there was a little tension the last time we worked together, but it's all in the past.
We're so much more mature now.
Anyway, it's only going to play two days.
Well, what two days do you have in mind? - Sunday and Monday.
- Oh, heartbreak! I'm not available.
You don't even know which Sunday and Monday.
Well, it-it doesn't really matter because I've just joined this group "Sundays and Mondays in Ohio.
" STEVEN: Well, um maybe we could move the play nights - to Tuesdays and Wednesdays.
- No, no.
Don't do that, because "Sundays and Mondays" might be changing to "Tuesdays and Wednesdays.
" Well, I'm certainly not going to beg you.
(laughs) I'm sure Shakespeare had his rejections.
(sniffs) Probably not from his wife, but I'll find another leading actress.
This town must be full of Sequoia Frees.
"We must turn back the tide of war.
"Lay bare the kelp of poverty and greed.
"Uncover in the seashells of human experience "man's more peaceful nature "as the waves wash onto the shore of life.
" "Oh, my diamond in the rough from Buffalo, come let me love you.
" STEVEN: Okay.
Very good.
Very, very good! - Carol, we'll let you know.
- Okay.
Uh, Steven, I just want you to know that I've done a lot of classic theater from Ibsen to Shaw and back again.
And the role of Sequoia Free in A Draft Card for the Burning is perhaps the most significant role written for a woman since Joan of Arc in Joan of Arc.
I loved it too, Steve.
The moment I read it.
I was in my office, just kicking back, after finishing a root canal.
I picked it up I picked it up and couldn't put it down.
It had fire! - It had a - Jeff! Jeff, please! You've already got the part.
No, no, I mean it.
It just rolls off the tongue.
"Kelp of poverty.
" "Seashells of experience.
" Do you like fish, Steve? (laughs) Hey, how's it going? It's tough, Alex.
Why, Dad having trouble finding any actors for his play? No, it's been tough on me sitting here listening to all this.
I'm starting to see past lives and envying them.
That tough, huh? Have you read the whole play yet, Alex? No, nobody's read the whole play.
Not even Dad.
Why? Have you? I tried, but I, I kept blacking out.
Ah, fine.
If you just ALEX: Hey, Pop.
Pop! Nice.
I hear it's going like gangbusters.
Well, uh, the material's certainly holding up.
The trick is to find actors of the same caliber.
- That's gonna be tough, Dad.
- Mm-hmm.
All right! Let's, uh, let's get on with it.
Ready, Alice? - Okey dokey.
- Okay - ELYSE: Exactly what he did.
- I told you he did - Shh.
Shh.
- Oh! Oh! I'm sorry, Steven, I didn't realize your auditions were still going on.
- We'll get out of your way.
- No, no.
Stay, Elyse.
Stay and watch her butcher the dialogue meant to come only from your lips.
Anytime, mon capitan.
Okay, uh, Jeff, Alice, uh, let's-let's read a little.
Have fun with it, and, um begin.
"We must turn back the tide of war! "Uncover the kelp "of poverty and greed.
"Lay bare "the seashells of human experience "of man's more peaceful nature "as the waves wash onto the shore of (shouts): life!" "Oh! "My diamond in the rough from Buffalo! Come let me love you!" That's fine, honey.
Thank you.
Oh, no.
Th-There's more.
Not necessarily.
I have a full sense of your gift.
(chuckles) Thank you.
Yes, all right.
MALLORY: Come again.
(clears throat) Anyone else back there, Jen? I don't know.
Let me go see.
All right, let's knock it off, then, Jeff.
Oh, all right.
Do you know how much I love this? Jeff, you've got the job, I swear! Okay.
Oh! (chuckles) - (sighs) - How'd it go, Dad? Any luck? Rough afternoon, Mal.
Rough.
Very discouraging.
Well, don't worry.
It's still early.
Oh, we're kidding ourselves.
Your mother's the only one who can play Sequoia Free! We might as well not do it.
Oh, come on, Dad.
There's got to be someone else.
No, no! There's no one! I wrote it for you, only for you.
It's our it's our life, Elyse, our passion.
And if you can't find it in your heart to be my Sequoia Free, well, I say forget it.
Let A Draft Card for the Burning die a proper death.
Oh, my diamond in the rough from Buffalo come let me love you.
That's right, two performances starting Saturday night.
You want six tickets? May I ask why? I mean, where? Okay, they'll be held at the door for you.
Six tickets, front row, center.
That'll be, uh $1.
50.
Okay, six more reservations, Andy.
How many does that give us? Eleven.
Hey.
How's it going, fellow siblings? Okay.
Where are the Lunts? They're in there rehearsing.
Well, what do you think, Alex? It's Mom's dress for the play.
That's not her dress.
That's her handkerchief.
Alex, Sequoia Free is a high-spirited, unconventional woman of the '60s.
This is an extension of her fantasy life.
Sequoia Free is your mother.
Okay? She does not have a fantasy life.
And she's not going to be wearing this as long as "Alex Free" is alive.
Elyse! How can you make such a big deal about this? Because already it's getting out of control.
How can you say that? Steven, maybe you aren't even aware of it, but every time Jeff comes near me, you start acting more like a jealous husband than a director.
Jeff? You call him Jeff? (laughs) Isn't that a little familiar? His name is Dr.
Cooper.
Well, Mom, I'm done.
What do you think? - Oh, that's wonderful.
- What's that? Oh, this is for me in the sit-in scene in the second act.
Why do you need a handkerchief? This isn't a handkerchief, Steven, this is a dress.
And it reflects the era.
Elyse, the-the '60s was a time of decorum.
Of-Of prim and proper behavior, as I remember.
People wore these, kind of, high-necked dresses.
You know, right up right up to the eyes.
We're ready in there, Admiral.
Whoa! Elyse! You gonna wear that? It's no bigger than a handkerchief! Fabulous! Your job's hanging by a thread, Jeff.
I love your dialogue, Steve.
All right! This is the big sit-in scene in the dean's office.
We'll take it from your speech, Elyse, at the top of page, uh, 311.
Oh, Randolph your courage is courageous, outrageous and contagious.
I'm all three of those, Sequoia.
Let them come.
Let them take us away! At least we'll be together.
(whistle blows) Okay, hold it! What is it, Steve? The kiss was too much! Don't-Don't dwell on it.
Uh, make it incidental a throwaway.
What what the well, look at this stage direction, Steve.
"With the heat of love burning in his heart, Randolph sweeps Sequoia into a passionate embrace.
" That's a throwaway? It's a matter of interpretation.
Oh? Hm I think Randolph's worn out.
Mm.
Too-too tired and emotionally drained to do much more than shake hands with Sequoia.
I-I-I wouldn't even go that far.
Make it a high five.
A high five? That doesn't seem right.
Jeff, you're a dentist.
What do you know about art? Your area is pain.
I-I have to agree with Jeff, honey.
Oh, do you, Sequoia? Well, when-when a man says, uh, "Sequoia, darling, I love you with all my heart.
Come to me.
I'm on fire" Well, people expect them to kiss, you know, not-not just give a high five.
Oh, fine.
Let's just give the people what they expect.
Let's just give them what they're used to.
"I love you.
" Kiss.
"I love you.
" Kiss.
You've seen it a million times.
"I love you.
" High five.
Now that's something new something different.
Look, I'm the director.
I say the kiss does not work.
Now, let's please get on with it.
Let's take it from here.
And, Jeff, please, keep your lips to yourself.
(indistinct conversation, laughter) Five minutes, everybody! Five minutes! Four minutes, 55 seconds.
Four, 50.
Four, 49.
Ah! Whoa.
Ah, it's just a play.
It's just I keep telling myself.
It's just a play.
- Dad? - Yeah.
Dad, well, what do you think of the outfit? Oh, it's a gas! The amazing thing is, this is my own.
Wait, wait a minute, wait a minute.
You mean you wore that stuff in the '60s? No, this is what I wear now.
I was really straight in the '60s.
- Oh.
- Je - You nervous? - Oh! It's in your hands now, Elyse.
Yours and and Oscar's and Jeff's.
Boy, am I nervous.
Brings back a lot of memories, doesn't it? - Mm-hmm.
- So long ago.
Our opening night.
Also our closing night.
Mm.
I'm so glad you decided to do this play.
Elyse, you are Sequoia Free.
- Ah.
- Now and forever.
- Break a leg, honey.
- Thanks, baby.
SKIPPY: The Columbus Community Playhouse proudly presents the Midwest premiere of A Draft Card for the Burning by Stephan Micel Keaton.
Who is Stephan Micel Keaton? Who do you think? I'm afraid those are the final demands, Dean Hutchinson.
We are not going to budge until you agree to meet us here, in person.
Oh, Randolph, how can one man be so wonderful and so perfect? It's a question I often ask myself.
WOMAN (on stage): Dean Hutchinson You're an artist, Mr.
Keaton.
- Shh! - MAN (on stage): Thank you, Connie.
I know that.
MAN (on stage): I'll tell you, Sequoia Well, two minutes left in the first act.
The audience is loving it.
It's only a matter of time, Randolph, and then they storm the room.
I don't think the dean is going to show.
He'll show, Sequoia.
I feel it.
I know it.
Oh, Randolph, I admire your chutzpah! It's far out! Oh, Sequoia, my darling, I love you with all my heart.
Come to me! I'm on fire! ELYSE: Mmm.
(blowing whistle) Boy, they are really going at it, aren't they? They don't even look like they're acting.
Yeah, boy, this is great writing, Mr.
Keaton.
(blowing whistle) - Come on! - Come on! I told you, no kissing! Didn't you see the sign? She kissed me! I was acting, Steven! It came out of the moment! It seemed right! There! You happy now, Steve? I told you, she kissed me.
I didn't see you trying to fight her off.
When a beautiful woman kisses Randolph, he kisses back.
Randolph is a man of passion.
Don't tell me who Randolph is! He's me! He is you, Steven! So why don't you play him? Now, I've got an office full of patients waiting.
Fine! I will! Fine! And when I run out of anesthesia, I'll just read them your play.
I have to side with Jeff on this, Steve.
He's my dentist.
Fine! Why don't you go with him? You can help him do some fillings! Steve, this is uncalled for.
My parents are in the audience.
I-I don't want to have to wake them up and tell them I'm not in the show.
You're out, Good-Vibes.
If-if they go, I'm-I'm going.
Jeff's my dentist, too.
Go! Go! Go! All of you, go! Get a gang filling! See if I care! And I'll tell you something else, Jeff.
I'm not flossing anymore! Dad they all gone? Yeah.
What are we going to do? We'll think of something.
Right.
Whoa.
Oh, Randolph, it's beautiful outside right now.
The morning rain has washed away the silence of injustice.
Randolph, come look with me out the Whoa! Randolph?! - (audience murmuring) - Oh, no.
Hi, Sequoia.
Notice anything different? Why, yes.
You've grown a beard, haven't you? Can't leave you alone for a second.
What is going on?! Jeff quit.
I'm stepping in.
Just improvise.
So, Sequoia enjoying the '60s? The chief of police couldn't come, so he told me to tell you that you're all under arrest.
Thank you, thank you friend of the chief.
Um but we're not afraid.
Because any moment now, Peter Good-Vibes will be coming through that door with word from the administration.
Yes! Where could Peter be? Well, you know Good-Vibes.
He works in strange ways.
Yes, but you can't question his vibes.
They're good.
Power to the people.
What went down, Good-Vibes? Dig.
Um Uh, I go I go across town, man.
Fuzz everywhere, man.
Here a fuzz, there a fuzz everywhere a fuzz-fuzz.
Look, let me just say, at this point, that I have nothing but respect for our men in blue.
If it were up to me, I'd arrest every single member of this cast.
Come on, Moon Muffin! Ah (laughs) Sequoia Mom um, let's face it, huh? The '60s are almost over.
We all just want to make a lot of money.
And I, Peter Good-Vibes, am going to apply to business school.
Well, Good-Vibes is off to business school.
So be it! But we're still together, Sequoia.
That's all that matt Sequoia.
Randolph.
Sequoia? Randolph? What are you doing here? I'm in the play.
You can't be in the play.
You quit.
I know, but I can't stay away.
I love the dialogue.
I don't care.
You're out of here.
Fellas! Randolphs! Sequoia, I'm on fire for you.
Sequoia, I'm on fire for you.
I was on fire for you first! Let them come.
Let them take us away.
At least we'll be together.
(Elyse groans) Let them come.
Let them take us away.
At least we'll be together.
- Ah! - (Elyse gasps) Oh, right.
Dr.
Cooper! Come on! Come on! Come on! - Hey.
- Look.
- I got him! I got him! - Oh, Alex! - Oh, Alex! Huh? - It's not right.
- Come on.
No, no.
Sorry.
- Please, you don't have to You coming home? I'm just going to sit here for a minute, if you don't mind.
Can I join you? I guess, every 25 years, I have to make a fool of myself.
That's not so.
It's only been 23 years.
Well, this is it, Elyse.
Draft Card goes back into the drawer.
Alex will be so happy.
It's not a good play, Elyse.
I think I have to face that.
It's a lovely play in spots.
But you-you cut 100, 150 pages out of that sucker, and it will fly.
I'm sorry I put you through this, Elyse.
Can you forgive me? Just promise me I won't have to do it again when I'm 70.
You know, uh I really didn't need 350 pages to say what I needed to say.
All I needed was one speech: I love you.
I'm crazy about you.
I can't imagine what my life would have been like if I'd never met you.
Oh, my diamond in the rough from Buffalo, come let me love you.
MAN: Sit, Ubu, sit.
Good dog.
(Ubu barks)