Mom s06e18 Episode Script

1 Hurry up! We have to go! I'm sorry.
I wanted to wear my Eagles T-shirt.
I can't find it anywhere.
Oh.
Come on, you know it looks better with boobs in it.
Well, you could say that about anything.
Let's go.
Bye, Christy.
Bye.
Are you okay? No.
I am very, very sick.
Well, off to serve people food.
Honey, you look like you're in The Addams Family.
But I put on lip gloss.
Was it gray? I think you have a fever.
I gave lap dances when I had chicken pox, I can power through this No, I can't.
Oh.
(retching) Poor thing.
Ready? She's gonna be okay, right? - Are you gonna be okay? - CHRISTY: You bet.
Okay.
Love you.
Have fun.
I mean, bye.
You're gonna stretch my shirt out in a weird way.
Yeah, like you did with my thong? That was a joke.
That was funny.
You laughed.
Then in '80, I saw The Long Run tour.
That was the first album Timothy B.
Schmit was on.
People were freaking out, shouting, "Where's Randy?" Then when Schmit came out and started singing "I Can't Tell You Why," it was like a hippie angel was ju You're not even listening to my great Eagles story.
I'm sorry.
I'm having this weird feeling.
A-Are-are you gonna throw up, too? Oh, God, can you do it out the window? I just had the van detailed.
It's not that.
I keep picturing Christy alone on the bathroom floor and I get sad.
Or is it worried? Maybe I'm just hungry.
No, it's definitely an emotion.
Oh, my God.
I want to go home and take care of my daughter.
N-Now? We're almost to San Francisco.
I know the timing's not great, but I got to go back.
Oh.
Do I got to go back? What are you Are you suggesting I tuck and roll out of the van and hitchhike home? No.
Actually, I was thinking that we could pull over at that diner and-and I'd wait with you until an Uber came and pay for your ride home.
Oh, that's reasonable, let's do that.
Christy! (groans) Oh, honey.
Mama's here.
I skipped the concert and rushed home to take care of you.
Oh, no.
Now I'm hallucinating.
How does so much stuff come out of such a teeny person? You're like a clown car.
I haven't had corn in weeks.
How does it do that? Oh, boy, here it comes again.
Hair's up, let it rip.
False alarm.
I'm calling it.
Time of empty: 3:17.
Ah.
I can't believe, when I was drinking, vomiting was a regular part of my day.
Yeah, mine, too.
It was like sleeping or eating or shoplifting.
I actually used to choose my drinks based on how I thought they would taste coming back up.
That's pretty much the only reason to drink créme de menthe.
Barf that up, you're minty fresh, and go right back to making out.
- You know what else I don't miss? - Hmm.
Having a dent in my forehead because I passed out on a gas station toilet seat.
Gas station? La-Di-da.
I remember throwing up in my own pants.
Aw.
And it was such a shame because you had just stolen them.
You want me to get you some water? Uh, water feels risky.
But I think I'm ready to leave the bathroom.
- All right, let's do this.
- Ah.
- Lean on me.
I got you.
- (groans) Thanks.
You're a good mom.
What? Oh! Sorry, sorry.
I'm sorry.
Oh, God.
It's just you've never said those words in that order without other really mean words in the middle.
Well, it's true.
This has been miserable, but you found a way to make it kind of Oh, oh, boy.
Go back, go back.
Go back, go back.
Maybe after you puke you can finish that compliment.
(phone ringing) What? I'm in the middle of something.
Where are you? The meeting's about to start.
Christy's sick, so I stayed home to take care of her.
Why do you lie for no reason? Goodbye, Jill.
Bye, liar.
This is so much less stressful than stealing it from a Days Inn.
What are you doing? I thought you could watch from bed.
But we don't have a cable thing up here.
Huh.
Back you go.
You know what you could do What? What could I do? You could leave the TV, go get the DVD player, and I could watch that.
Great idea.
A movie marathon of the two DVDs we own coming up.
Yay.
Dirty Dancing first, then Sheena Easton's 7 Minute Stomach.
Mom? Yeah? - You know what I want? - What? Can I have some rainbow sherbet? We don't have any.
The store does.
Right, right.
I'm on it.
'Cause I'm a good mom, and that's what good moms do.
I'm just gonna take ten bucks from your purse.
I'm just gonna take the whole purse.
I'm gonna take your car, too.
I'm sorry, what am I getting again? Are we done cleaning up already? Record time.
And with two less people.
Well, you know why.
Jill, be kind.
Because the two less people are Christy and Bonnie.
I'm uncomfortable talking about them behind their back.
Well, I'm not, and I'll say it again.
Everything's easier without Christy and Bonnie.
Whoo! That's not fair.
They help.
You get that they're not here, so we're being honest, right? Okay, I'll play.
Have you ever noticed how Bonnie takes, like, one chair and just leans on it until we've finished all the work? And then Christy stops helping to yell at Bonnie.
And then we all have to stop to referee and validate their stupid feelings.
And then everything's about them.
Ooh, this is fun.
Hey, if putting chairs away is better without them, think how great the bistro's gonna be.
Wait.
Christy and Bonnie are the ones that make us go to the bistro.
We can go anywhere.
You're right.
How about Mexican? Or Italian.
There's a Greek place around the block where the waiters dance.
Okay, we'll go to the bistro, but we don't have to.
Freedom! Okay, this one's for cough, and this one's for fever.
My kid has both.
I don't know what to do.
Yeah.
My daughter has the flu, but I don't want to give her anything too strong.
She's so tiny.
This is the first time Declan's ever been this sick.
I feel completely helpless.
Yeah, it's so hard to see your child lying in bed, suffering.
And they don't understand what's happening.
No.
You should've seen my daughter's face when I told her she couldn't go to school.
You know, you sound like such a good mom.
Counting me, you're the third person to say that today.
Hmm.
I'm going with this.
It says "pediatrician recommended.
" I'm gonna go with this.
Christy loves purple flavor.
Hmm.
They say it gets easier when they get older.
Oh, fingers crossed.
Mine just turned two.
How old's yours? 41.
(phone ringing) Do you guys wait for me to pick something up, and then call? You know we can't see you, right? How's Christy? She's keeping down crackers.
If that holds, we'll try some toast.
If that stays put, we'll show applesauce who's boss.
Well, aren't you the good mom.
That's the word on the street.
I got to tell you, if I'd known taking care of your kid was so rewarding, I would've jumped in much sooner.
Yeah, too bad the joys of motherhood are such a well-kept secret.
Totally.
Someone should - put that on Facebook.
- (door opens, shuts) - I got to go.
- Tell Christy I said feel hello? Hey.
Hey.
How was the concert? - Ah, it was okay.
- Just okay? I feel bad talking about it 'cause you weren't there.
Honey, I made a choice to put my child first, and it's been deeply fulfilling.
I don't regret missing the show at all.
I went backstage! What?! Yes.
I'm sitting next to Joe Walsh's dentist.
He totally hooked me up.
I met all the guys.
That's great.
Yeah.
Joe Walsh let me noodle around on his guitar.
That's what he called it.
"Noodling.
" We hung out till 3:00 a.
m.
Don Henley asked me if I wanted to split an egg roll with him.
I was like, "Yeah.
" It was so awesome.
I-I-I-I Sorry.
Don't be.
I'm actually fine.
Really? You're not mad that I had the greatest night of my life, and you weren't there? No.
Would I have loved to share an egg roll with Don Henley? Absolutely.
I bet he'd take the smaller half.
But my daughter needed me, and I was there for her.
So I had the greatest night of my life, too.
CHRISTY: Mom I puked on my pillow.
Got to go.
- I have a picture of me and the guys.
- Don't push it! And because of that I had to empty the entire refrigerator.
The meat had spoiled, and the cheese had spoiled.
And I didn't think the lettuce had spoiled, but it did spoil.
Darn it, I got to pee.
I'll finish the story when I come back.
Can't wait, sweetie.
Oh, my God, she thinks that's a story.
I lost seven years of my life in prison.
I can't afford to sit through this.
What's going on? I'll tell you what's going on.
Our apex predator is missing.
What? I saw this show on the Nature Channel last night.
I didn't want to watch it, but my nails weren't dry, so I couldn't touch the remote.
Turns out there are these things called ecosystems, and when one piece is missing - whole thing goes to hell.
- I see where you're going.
Not a clue.
Well, in India they have rats.
But not too many, because they have snakes that eat the rats.
But not too many, because they also have mongooses that eat the snakes.
It's gross but it's beautiful.
What does this have to do with Wendy accidentally unplugging her fridge? She's the rat, and she's telling endless stories because our snake's been home for three days taking care of our little blonde mongoose.
Oh, this was a metaphor.
Yikes.
102.
7.
102.
7.
All of today's hits with half the commercials.
I made you some soup.
No soup for me.
When I say I made it, I don't mean I microwaved it.
I mean I made it.
I did everything but (clicks tongue) the chicken.
- You know what I really want? - Soup? - A bath.
- Honey, I don't know.
Maybe we should wait till your fever breaks.
- Bath.
- Soup.
Can I take a bath in the soup? If it makes you feel better, I haven't had a bath or a shower or a full night's sleep in the last three days.
Why would that make me feel better? I don't know.
It's just an update.
Now take a nap.
But I don't want to.
Take a nap, take a nap, take a nap.
Okay.
Oh I'll take a nap in the bath.
- Hey.
- Hey.
When did you get here? Couple of minutes ago.
So, uh, what's going on? I made soup.
Did any of it get in the pot? Ooh, sarcasm.
Just what I need.
Why are you here? I haven't seen you for a couple of days.
I miss you, although this short interaction has fixed that.
I'm sorry, I'm exhausted.
I'm making 27 cups of tea a day, soup that nobody eats.
I'm sleeping on the floor next to her in case she needs me.
I finally got a look under the bed.
I think I know how Christy got sick.
Well, is there anything I can do to help? Yeah.
You can eat my damn soup.
Actually, I just had a cheeseburger.
Eat it! (water running) Damn it! Huh? CHRISTY: What's happening? You left the tub on.
There's water everywhere.
(groans) I told you no bath.
I just washed those.
What are you doing?! I'm helping.
Stop it! Now you got your PJs wet.
God, you're driving me crazy! I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I was just try try trying to help.
I know you were.
It's okay, it's okay.
Let's, uh, let's get you changed and get back to bed, okay? (moans) Mommy loves you.
Just stay still, don't move.
Ooh! - (doorbell rings) - Oh, come on.
- I'll get it.
- No, I'll get it.
Just put these on and get back in bed and don't do anything else.
Uh-huh.
Oh (grunts) (sighs) I got the door.
Keep eating.
- But I hurt.
- I said eat.
Hey, we just came by to see how it's going.
It's going great.
Really great.
Why are you wet? 'Cause it's going bad.
Really bad.
You poor thing.
One time at the hospital, I had 14 patients Oh, shut up, Wendy.
Yeah, baby, get that rat.
CHRISTY: Mom? Can I take a bath? Oh, my God.
I'm coming.
No, you sit.
I got this.
Wendy, take care of Christy.
Tammy, why don't you go make Bonnie some tea? Coming up.
Oh, hi, Adam.
Why didn't anyone tell me he was here? What you doing? I tried.
I tried to be perfect and then I yelled at her.
I yelled at my sick child.
I'm a monster.
Bonnie, even the best mom in the world is gonna lose it once in a while.
No one told me being a parent would be this hard.
Really? I don't even have a kid and I know that.
(laughs): I mean, just look around the airport.
People are losing their minds.
It was going so well.
I don't know what happened.
You stopped taking care of yourself.
When was the last time you went to a meeting? Or had a manicure? Did you dig a shallow grave with those things? Christy needs me.
If I leave her now, I'm exactly who I used to be.
If you left to score coke and didn't come back for four days, then, yeah.
But a manicure's okay.
Or a meeting.
It's hard to be there for someone else if you're falling apart.
You going to a meeting is you taking care of Christy.
You could go to a meeting, then a manicure.
CHRISTY: I don't want to put on my pajamas.
And you can't make me.
That's it.
I'm done having children! (whoops) Froot Loops.
Oh, or do I want Lucky Charms? Oh, can I get both? You know how you get when you have too much sugar.
Come on.
I was sick for a week.
Please? - Okay, but just this one time.
- Yay! Ooh, you know what else I really want? Canned ravioli.
I thought we were done throwing up.
Please.
- Fine, but that's it.
- Yay! Declan's mom? Christy's mom.
(crying): Oh, hi.
What's going on? Declan's cold turned into the stomach flu and then into an ear infection and now it's strep and I can't stop crying and I am just failing so hard at this mom stuff.
Where is Declan now? He's with my husband.
Okay, text him and tell him you're gonna be a little late.
- Why? - Because you and I are gonna go get our nails done.
- Oh, I don't, I - You can't take care of your son unless you take care of yourself.
I'm too tired to argue.
Kids will do that to you.
(both chuckle) By the way, I'm Bonnie.
Mackenzie.
Can I at least get my groceries? No.
Mom? Mom? I lost my mom.