Scrubs s06e18 Episode Script

J.
D.
: This saliva-heavy display was because Keith was going out of town for a few days.
Come on, Elliot.
Let me just borrow it for the weekend.
I promise I'll bring it back.
No, I need it.
Now, go.
(EXHALING) Whenever he goes away, he always wants to take my tushie.
Why doesn't he just do what I did when we were dating? Wait until you fall asleep naked and take a picture of it.
- Did you actually do that? - No! It's my screensaver.
Whenever we're apart, I always get so bummed.
Well, then let's get you cheered up, huh? Look what I just bought in the back of Boys' Life, Spider-Man goggles.
Still gloomy? Let's put on the wipers.
Nothing? Dr.
Beardface! Let's see if he wants to play Macaroni.
How do you play? One-nothing, your turn.
J.
D.
: Playing Macaroni was much more fun than dealing with a hypochondriac.
I have chest tinglies.
Lloyd, you're 40 years old and you're a delivery man, so you should be suffering from a pretty severe case of the where-did-I-go-wrongsies, but other than that, you're fine.
I ran every test.
There's nothing wrong with you.
But the pain starts here and then it goes along, and then skips this area, and then starts hurting again here, and then, of course, there's the tinglies.
I'm gonna head out now, Lloyd.
- Doctor.
- Doctor.
I call next on Macaroni.
He plays? Dr.
Kelso, would you mind using your gum to show Elliot your mad 'oni skills? Man, he's good.
You know, you really cheered me up today.
God, I feel like we haven't really hung out all year.
- I really miss it.
- I know.
Well, your boyfriend's out of town.
Let's hang out tonight.
Oh, I'd love to, but I've got dinner with the partners and I've got to work late.
Oh, that's too bad.
J.
D.
: Since I was checking out that kid's awesome plastic cow, I saw Elliot's friend first.
Elliot? Melody? Oh, my God! And just like that, they regressed to the two 19-year-old sorority sisters they had once been.
Dude, we should get out of here before they look our way.
Why? (BOTH SCREAMING) There's only one way to stop them! Show them the picture of Izzy! Go! Go! Must show picture! (BOTH SCREAMING) J.
D.
: Girls? - Oh, my God, it's so good to see you.
- Yeah, it's been a while.
- Good work.
- Hey.
Hey, no, I lost mine.
Thank you, Jerry.
Hey, what's the deal with Elliot's friend? Break her down for me, C-Bear.
Okay, check it out.
She and Elliot went to college together, right? Welcome to Turk's Booty Breakdown.
J.
D.
, I gotta tell you, I'm a huge fan of this chick.
She seems smart, fun, and she's got a little bit of a wild streak.
Smack it and I'll do a fake sexy "ooh" for you.
Boys Count it! Melody works as a hotel reviewer for Zagat, has green eyes, perfect feet, if you're into that.
And here's the best part.
Tell them! I'm single.
Boo-yah! Bus Driver Dance us home.
Driving, driving, passenger on.
- Driving, driving, passenger on.
- Yeah! Why don't people dance the Bus Driver anymore? Because it's not a real dance.
For us honkeys, it's a very important dance.
Driving, driving, inside the bus.
Anyway, I know it's hard to believe, but when I first got to college, I was a little bit of a - Dork? - Geek? Good-time Sally who gave it away for free? I was the tramp, you old bitch.
Liking her.
You were so much fun.
You know how Mel got around campus? She'd just jump on some random dude's back and then make him take her wherever she wanted to go.
Oh, remember that time I made you do that with Grill Face? Yes! Come on, do it! Just pick a guy.
- Go on! - Okay.
Let's go! (BOY GRUNTING) (SIZZLING) (GROANING) I mean, before that happened, Grill Face's name was just Steve.
Yeah.
Why does this bed sheet have two holes in it? That's on me.
Sometimes at night I haunt pediatrics.
(WHISTLES) Yo, Mickhead, incoming.
That is a double-bypass heart patient with a ruptured spleen on the side.
Hot damn.
How come you don't ever give me any of the good surgeries? I could do a bypass like Done! Now, Gumball, that's hardly the point.
The older surgical attendings around here are warriors.
Hell, if I screw with Mickhead, he'll send me every bowel obstruction he gets.
You, on the other hand, you're just not formidable enough to have ever earned my respect.
I don't even know why I'm speaking with you.
In fact, I'm going to stop talking right in the middle of whatever I'm Come on, Dr.
Cox, hook me up.
You want a patient? Enjoy.
Hey, weren't we in an air band together? Maybe.
(DRUMS PLAYING) I think so.
(CYMBAL CRASES) Let's hit the town later.
I wanna roll with Nancy again.
Who? That's the name I gave her crazy wild side.
I thought that was Jenji.
No, Jenji's your super-sensitive, neurotic side.
You don't still think I'm neurotic, do you? Because that would make me so bummed.
I mean, I thought that I'd done so much work with all Easy, Jenji.
Breathe, breathe.
(SIGHING) Later.
I thought you were too busy to go out tonight.
Please, it's Mel.
I dropped everything.
J.
D.
: She didn't do that for you.
God, it's so weird.
She hasn't changed at all since college.
I love her for that.
Hey, you can tag along if you want.
"Tag along"? Let her know you're upset, but be subtle.
I'd love to.
Okay, there's nothing wrong with you, Lloyd.
Your enzymes are negative, you have a normal echo.
Does heart trouble even run in your family? Well, my uncle was shot in the heart.
Okay, that helps.
- Really? - No.
- Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! - Hey, it's okay.
But now the Ghost That Hates Spills is going to come.
Who? You're right, Devin.
He might come this very night.
And, as you know, that ghost's entire family was killed by a careless spill, just like yours.
Just like yours.
Okay, this ends now.
Do you know how messy kids can be, and how clean this place has been ever since the ghost? And besides, I'm only picking on the tonsil cases, the spoiled ones, getting ice cream for every meal.
Do you know what I had to eat when I had my tonsils out? - What? - Hot coffee and granola bars.
Hot and scratchy, hot and scratchy! - Are you insane? - I'm a little bit tired.
I was up all night learning to rollerblade.
I want the ghost to be a little bit more glide-y.
Thanks, bro.
(EXCLAIMING IN DELIGHT) Nice drink.
Does it come in hetero? It does, but I didn't like it.
Elliot's running 20 minutes late.
You want to play darts or maybe sing show tunes? J.
D.
: Don't say show tunes, it's a trap.
I mean, I guess we could make out.
Wait, what now? Yeah, I know it's a little bit trampy, but what the hell, so am I.
The one thing I have tweaked now that I'm an adult is, I mean, I'll mack anyone, but that's where I draw the line.
At macking? Yeah.
And if you get too into it, I'll stop.
- You want to think about it? - What? Well, this is fun.
- Hands at your side.
- Sorry.
What the hell? He was turfed back to you from surgery with endocarditis.
(CARLA CHUCKLES) Dr.
Turk said I was a present for you.
Is he doing the Bus Driver? Yeah, dude.
Don't get comfortable.
"Aortic dissection"? "Pulmonary embolism"? No.
"Splenic impart"? Hell, no! It's okay, I'll walk myself back.
Heads up! Exciting news there, Milk Dud.
I've convinced young Lloyd in there that the arm pain that he thought was a heart attack is actually just what, Lloyd? LLOYD: Arm pain, Perry.
A 100% surgical issue.
It's O-V-E-R.
I win.
And, for your dignity's sake, please stop trying to play with the big boys.
J.
D.
: As I kissed Melody, knowing we were headed somewhere amazing (MOANS) You moaned, we're done.
No, no, no.
We're just macking, right back in.
Where are your hands? In your pants.
- Let's just put these there.
- All right.
You know what's so amazing? It's like, I haven't seen Elliot in so long and now she's this big-time doctor.
I just wonder what she thinks, you know, seeing me.
I was still mad at Elliot, so I said this.
She actually said she thought it was a little weird that you haven't changed since college.
I left out that Elliot loved that.
Hey, guys! We've all made a few rash moves in our time.
Now it's really over.
Oh, yeah? What did you do, kill him? - What's up, dude? - What's up? You said it was arm pain, so I operated on his arm.
But there was nothing wrong with him.
Are you crazy? Look, the man wanted something done, I did it.
End of story.
Good day.
J.
D.
: Ultimately, you have to hope your rash move doesn't cause too many problems.
Okay, Jenji's wondering whether or not her hair is working, but Nancy is ready to roll.
What's the plan? I'm sorry, I have to get going.
Is she pissed at me? Why would she be pissed? - Hey, Elliot, are you and Melody okay? - No.
She wouldn't even tell me why she's so pissed.
God, it's so weird how we always regress when we're with people from our past, you know? I mean, she's being just as passive-aggressive as she was when we were 19.
I'm actually wishing she had a boyfriend I could go mack with to get back at her.
J.
D.
: Okay, this has gone far enough.
You can't just mess up Elliot and Melody's friendship.
You have to come clean.
Tell her you started their fight.
I guess it doesn't really matter, anyway.
I mean, she's already left town.
Or you can say nothing.
Well, since Keith is still gone, maybe we could use that rain check tonight and hang out.
Yeah.
Thanks, I'd like that.
Cool.
Boo.
That can't be good.
Look, in this world, when you're trying to settle a score, there's things you can do and things you cannot do.
Under no circumstances can you ever perform unnecessary surgery just to unload an annoying patient.
Did I get drunk last night and send you an email asking for your opinion about what I did? I don't know.
I didn't check.
Dr.
Turkleberry, can you please explain to me why you performed surgery on that patient? Better yet, you can tell it to the ethics committee later on today.
Maybe they'll just slap you with a suspension, instead of taking away your license.
J.
D.
: That night, Elliot and I went out, just the two of us.
Okay, how many beers? I'd say about eight before she would do you.
Yeah, it was just like old times.
Hello, Elliot.
(JUKEBOX STOPS ABRUPTLY) Hit that thing.
It stops like that all the time.
(JUKEBOX PLAYING) Hey, I'm the Fonz.
- Did he see that? - No.
Good.
Elliot, we're adults now.
I don't want to behave the way we used to, and I'm not leaving mad.
I don't even know why you're mad.
You told J.
D.
That it was weird I haven't changed since college.
Yeah, I said that I love that about you.
Did I not mention that? What the hell are you doing? I'm reading Mr.
Gertner's chart, but if you'd like me to be more specific, I'm also standing, breathing, thinking and now talking, which is actually preventing me from what I was originally trying to do.
Turk's career is in danger and you're going to toss that attitude my way? I never asked him to operate on that guy.
No, you tortured him into playing a game he shouldn't have been playing.
Never mind that you and I are supposed to be friends, and that I just had a baby that I was hoping my husband would help support.
What horrible thing did Turk do to piss you off in the first place? He asked me to occasionally toss him a good surgery.
Well, if he didn't apologize for that, let me do it for him.
He's so sorry.
Don't worry about it.
You know what? I should probably go.
It's late.
Forgot to pay my check.
- Here's a credit card for you.
- BARMAN: Thanks.
(JUKEBOX STOPS ABRUPTLY) It's quiet in here.
I think the music went off again.
Someone want to tap that jukebox for me? No? Okay.
Wow, you guys can stare an awfully long time without letting your eyes blink.
That's amazing.
That's I try and do that and I can never really do it, when I've tried.
- Sorry, the, machine's busted.
- Unfortunate.
Okay Thank you, Frank.
I will pay cash.
Ben Franklin, here, should take care of things.
A $ 100 bill.
I don't got change for that.
He doesn't "got change," that's how he says that.
Okay.
Surely one of my lady friends could No.
All right, you know what? I'm going to pay $ 100 for that Appletini.
I like you, you're a good barman.
You never tease me when I order the 'tinis.
Drink them myself.
Good night.
I can't spend $ 100 on an Appletini, it's absurd! That's like 10 'tinis, with a tip! No, there must be something else that I can buy.
How much is that weird mounted fox tail? Actually, that's a beard.
You'll probably keep that then.
Probably a family heirloom.
You know what, Frank? I'm going to do it.
$ 100 for one Appletini that was, frankly, light on the 'tini.
All right.
Good night.
- Found a fiver in my pocket.
- No.
Okay.
Keep that, too.
Well, of course I'd like to get to know you better.
(KNOCKING) What is it, Perry? Bob, what I'm about to say is so painful, that I plan on erasing it from my memory tonight by drinking a fifth of Jack and challenging One moment, Perry.
I want to see this.
Go ahead.
I know that Gandhi messed up, I do.
But I need you to let him off the hook.
And why is that? Because I pushed him into it, okay? Or because he's a good person, or better yet, because he's a good surgeon.
Then I'll think about it.
Bye-bye.
J.
D.
: Sometimes, standing up for someone still isn't enough to make the guilt go away.
That is cool.
No scar! (GASPING) You never operated on him? But he said he watched his own surgery.
He thinks he did.
I put up a divider, sprayed on some local anesthetic and then put Mrs.
Nawabi's heart surgery on the TV.
(MONITOR BEEPING) LLOYD: What's that thing? That's your shoulder sack.
Dude.
You tricked me? I couldn't have done it without my supporting players.
Ladies and gentlemen, my muse, my shining light, Miss Carla Turk.
Stop being mean to my husband.
And, of course, playing the cantankerous Chief of Medicine, you know him, you love to hate him, Dr.
Bob Kelso! Again.
KELSO: That was fun.
Don't mess with me ever again.
- I'm so proud of you, baby.
- You know I do what I do J.
D.
, what the hell were you doing in there? I don't know.
I guess I was just pissed off because you canceled your plans for Melody but not for me.
She was only in town for a couple of days.
I get it, I'm an idiot.
It's just that, Elliot, when was the last time we made any time for each other? We used to be so close and it just doesn't feel like we are anymore.
Look, you know what it's like when you're in a relationship.
Not to mention work.
Plus, Turk's your best friend and Carla's my best friend.
I want to be Turk's best friend and your best friend.
I just don't want to lose you.
Then we'll both try harder.
Take me over to them.
Come on, now, mush! J.
D.
: I guess all relationships have to evolve.
Gandhi, incoming! Mr.
Randolph's Nissen fundoplication is all yours.
There's nothing you can do to stop it, even if you wanted to.
Keith? Elliot, I didn't go home to see my family.
I went to see your father to ask his permission to do this.
Elliot, will you marry me? (DOOR OPENING) No way! J.
D.
: Yeah, such is life.