Spin City s06e18 Episode Script

Wow! Look at the flowers Caitlin's boyfriend sent her.
I've never seen such beautiful arrangements.
She must have really given it up last night.
Hey! I'm right here! Doesn't tom know that women don't really care about silly gifts like flowers? How are you single? Tom is romantic.
In fact, he's on his way up with a surprise for me.
I'm pretty sure it's those U2 tickets I've been hinting at.
Hi, honey! Hey, I see you got the flowers.
I've got one more surprise for you.
You've been dropping hints all week about seeing a certain group of irishmen? Tom, you didn't.
I most certainly did! I got us front-row seats to Seamus O'Reilly's epic musical about the potato famine.
"The sterile soil"? Surprise! Good morning, Paul.
What's that? My divorce has been finalized.
My marriage is over.
I'm gonna grow old alone.
Why does this upset you now? You and Claudia haven't been together for two years.
Legally we were together.
Now my inability to keep a woman has been officially recognized by the state of New York.
You and tom got the big potato show tonight? What do you wear to something like that a strapless burlap sack? Tom may not take me to cool concerts, but he's reliable and stable, and that is what I'm looking for.
Caitlin, I know you.
You think you're happy with a 4-door buick, but what you really want is the Porsche turbo convertible jet-black finish, cruising on the road on a cool summer day.
Are we still talking about me? I don't think so.
Hello, everyone! Oh, listen, don't forget I'm guest bartending tonight at the Callahan tavern fundraiser for the playground project.
Sir, I didn't know you could bartend.
How you think I paid my way through college? Your dad? Correct who inherited his money from my grandfather, who made a fortune during prohibition bootlegging whiskey, which is served in Bars! So, go ahead.
Test me.
Uh, what's in a mai tai? A mai tai? [SCOFFS.]
Well, it's got, uh It has, uh What are you, a woman? Drink a beer! Four cold ones.
I want you guys to get tanked tonight.
And remember it's for the kids.
To Our love.
Hey, buddy! Enjoy it while you can.
Today you're kissin' like lovebirds.
Tomorrow, you're depressed in a bar, harassing strangers.
To your health! Paul, I know what you're going through.
I've had someone I love leave me.
This isn't the story about the time your cat, tinkers, got run over by an ice cream truck? No.
What happened? I was a junior at Harvard.
No, no, no.
I mean with tinkers.
Did the truck, like, pancake him or what? My boyfriend and I had organized a reception for Michael dukakis.
I went to a party for dukakis back in college.
It was in New York, not Boston.
It's kinda hazy.
I remember mine.
Oh, God, that was a terrible night.
I had been planning it for months.
As members of the dukakis generation, we can change the world.
Under his presidency, Americans will finally embrace the metric system and will travel across country by solar-powered monorail.
[APPLAUE.]
Great speech, hon.
You're tops.
Thanks, Doug.
Now, the governor should be here soon.
When he arrives, we should all be discussing his campaign proposals.
Britney and Chad Stevens will discuss welfare reform.
Beth and Chad Roberts will discuss ozone protection.
And April and Chad mcdougal will discuss tax reform.
Aaaaah! An entire beer all over my new outfit! The guy has the nerve to say to me, "sorry about that.
"Why don't we go back to my place BOTH: And get you out of that sweater?" Maybe it was Boston.
[GASPS.]
She digs me.
I can't believe that was you.
I thought you went to Michigan.
I did my freshman year, but I got kicked out.
Then I tried Miami, but that didn't work too close to the beach.
Next was Arizona Or was it Alabama? Paul, you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself.
I bet there are plenty of women here who'd love to meet a guy just like you.
Take her, for instance.
She looks nice.
I don't know.
Come on, Paul.
Look at you.
You're still wearing your ring.
I guess I just got used to it.
You need to move on.
Now, go over there and be yourself.
Be myself.
Be yourself.
Okay.
All right.
Be myself.
Hello, I'm Paul lassiter, international restaurateur.
Can I buy you a drink? I'd like that, but I'm with a friend who just got dumped, and I probably shouldn't leave her alone, but the guy you're with is kinda cute.
Does he have a girlfriend? Not likely.
Then I got kicked out of Syracuse.
Then northeastern which is in the same town as Harvard.
Where I wandered into your party.
Oh, lucky me.
If memory serves, you thought I was pretty cute.
Oh, please! I spent the entire night trying to keep you from disrupting my party.
You didn't belong.
Hey, I fit in just fine.
Come on, come on.
Alternative energy sources.
Chad.
Solar power.
Britney.
Windmills.
Already been said.
Drink.
ALL CHANTING: Drink! Drink! Drink! [CHEERING.]
What are you doing? Spicing up your discussion group.
I don't know who you are, but this function is for serious supporters of Michael dukakis.
What makes you think I'm not serious? Cold fusion.
Cold fusion is not viable.
Double chug.
ALL CHANTING: Drink! Drink! Drink! I'm here because I want to meet dukakis, but he's not showing up for another hour.
What do you say you and I take off and shoot pool? I have a boyfriend, and even if I didn't, I would never leave here with you.
I understand.
You prefer straight-arrow, button-down type guys.
You're uptight.
You want to go outside and get a better view of the Charles? I don't even know your name.
Charles.
I am not uptight.
Okay.
You're not.
You remind me of a young Geraldine ferraro.
Really? Who invited you anyway? Hi, honey.
I don't believe we've met.
I'm Caitlin's boyfriend, Doug smuckers.
Schmuckers? Smuckers.
The dress code requires a sport coat.
You should leave.
Okay.
Fine.
Let me tell you something, Doug, I'm gonna miss you.
Hey! Is hydroelectric power good? Yeah, but you pointed.
Drink! ALL CHANTING: Drink! Drink! Drink! Let me guess what happened.
You both agreed to meet later on top of the empire state building.
Sir, that's "an affair to remember.
" Ah.
It was very entertaining.
You might think of spicing up your story a bit.
So that just leaves Everest and k2, and I will have climbed the world's seven tallest peaks.
Wow.
That is amazing.
Ah! You just need a good sherpa.
Uh, so, Debbie, what are you into? Tall, handsome men who shave their head.
Paul, let's go get some drinks.
But it's their round.
Paul.
Two white wines.
You didn't tell her I was gay, did you? I don't like to label people.
Well, I've got to tell her.
Things are going really well with me and Tiffany.
If you tell Debbie you're gay, they're gonna go home.
You're the one who wanted to help me get over this divorce.
Fine.
But I'm not happy about this.
Here we go, ladies.
Thank you.
Thank you.
So, Carter We've heard a lot about Paul.
What are your interests? I like the theater, the ballet.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Football, beer, cars, breasts.
So what did happen next? Dukakis was due to arrive any minute.
I was poised, as usual.
Good evening, governor dukakis.
Oh.
Too formal.
[SEDUCTIVE VOICE.]
Hello, Michael.
Too sexy.
[COCKNEY ACCENT.]
'Ello, guvna.
Too British.
I need someone to help me set out more wine.
Um Excuse me.
Are you available? I knew you'd come around.
I thought we asked you to leave.
I'm wearing a sport coat.
A century 21 jacket? Yeah.
Any interest in selling this place? Any interest in going out with me tomorrow night? Are you kidding? No, that's cool.
A girl like you would never want to go to an aerosmith concert anyways.
Aerosmith? I love them.
Really? You? Yes! Despite what you might think, I-I Often rock.
I don't know what you're still doing here, but the governor's going to be here any moment.
Why don't you and I step outside? I don't know, Doug.
It is cold and flu season.
Oh, that's it.
My God! Dukakis is here! So dukakis got punched.
Big deal.
How much damage could Dougie have caused? Yeah, it's broken.
This is bad.
Word gets out the governor got punched by a kid, he'll look like a wimp.
Now, we'll need a way to toughen up his image.
Excuse me.
Isn't governor dukakis going to an army base tomorrow? Yes.
Why don't you get a picture of him riding a tank? That's brilliant! Let's go.
Wait, you have the wrong man! Caitlin, do something! I hope you're happy.
I have been planning this party for six months, and now it's ruined! The party's not ruined.
We've still got drinks and music and a healthy male/female ratio.
Excuse me, but the answer to every problem is not drinking and sex.
So why don't you take your "animal house" act over to pine oak college, where the girls are easy? First of all, don't judge me.
And secondly, is pine oak on the green line? Wait.
Wait, I'm telling you we can have a good time here.
A young democrat society is not interested in your kind of fun.
Attention, everyone! Who wants to hand out campaign leaflets in the square? And who wants to stay here and drink and dance and try to hook up? I win.
I can't believe you ruined the most important night of my college life! It wasn't my fault.
Settle down, you two.
Here.
Have a drink.
Mmm! Oh! It's a little strong.
I poured for three seconds just like the book says.
Here.
Watch.
One Two Mr.
mayor? Where'd you put the olives? Uh, next to the vermouth.
Thanks.
No problem.
And three.
God, it's so great to meet normal guys.
Don't you think so, Deb? I totally agree.
It's so hard to find a decent, single man in this city.
[CHUCKLES.]
Tell me about it.
I mean Tell me about it.
Paul, can I get you another beer? Can I bring back something? I'll tell you what you can bring back that sweet behind of yours.
Ha ha! You got it goin' on, baby.
You got it up top, you got it down below.
You gotta get me the hell out of here.
What's the problem? The problem, Paul, is she wants to do me like homework.
Just give me 15 more minutes, then you can tell her.
Just stick to small talk.
Don't give her any opening to make a move.
All right.
I'll try.
We're back! Oh, does anything taste better than a gin and tonic? How about this? Anyway, you ever been to the himalayas? Terrific Mountain.
Keep going with your story.
I'm on the edge of my seat.
If I'm gonna keep telling this story, I'll need a drink.
Give me a Cosmopolitan.
Cosmopolitan? That has, uh What are you, a woman? Have a beer! After Doug was kicked out, I decided to have a few cocktails to cheer me up.
Great party, Caitlin.
Shut up! You want some help with that? Why? Do you have some fancy, frat-boy way to open it? You think you're so cool with your spiky jacket and your leather hair.
But guys like you have no idea what they want to do with their lives, and there is nothing cool about that.
And I suppose you have everything all figured out? As a matter of fact, I do.
After graduating, I'll marry Doug, we'll both work in the white house for president dukakis, we'll have one son Douglas Jr he'll be an accomplished pianist, captain of the debate team.
You know what else he'll be doing? My son's homework? You're just jealous because you have no future.
I may not have my future all figured out, but at least I'm not wasting the best years of my life.
What are you talking about? Have you ever thought of doing something without a plan? Like blowing off class and going to the beach? Or jumping in your car and driving all night, not knowing where you're going? You're gonna wake up one day in your perfect house with your perfect life, and you're gonna realize that you never lived at all.
So I guess this is where I'm supposed to say you're right, and how desperately I wish that just once I could let my hair down and do something crazy.
No, I was just saying that Awesome! I'm not done.
Caitlin! Doug! Crawford! Schmuckers.
Doug.
So that's the story.
You happy? It's your fault Doug dumped me.
What did I miss? I was gonna ask you the same thing.
Why don't we get out of here and go back to my place? My roommate's out of town.
Uh, I-I'm sorry.
I really have to tell you something.
Oh, God.
I'm coming on too strong, aren't I? It's just that my boyfriend left me for a guy.
He did? Yes! He was gay the whole time and lied about it.
Every time I think about it, I just want to hunt him down and strangle him! Would you excuse me for just a second? Paul! Pardon me.
Listen, I think I'm gonna take a pass on Tiffany.
She's not floatin' my boat.
We're just not clickin' like you and Debbie.
Not clicking? You wanna know what was clicking? Debbie's tongue against the roof of my mouth! I can't believe I did this for nothing! You didn't do this for nothing.
Tiffany may not be the right girl for me, but I got back out there.
That's what I needed.
I owe that all to you.
Thanks, Paul.
Hey! I guess I won't be needing this anymore.
Well, good for y hey, can I borrow that for a second? Yeah.
Debbie, I, uh I don't know how to say this, but, um Well You're married? Yes.
So you're cheating on your wife? While she's home baking cookies, you're here trying to ignite some tawdry love affair? I'm afraid so.
That is such a turn-on! How can you still be mad at me for something that happened I've managed to put that night behind me.
That's because you can't remember it.
That does help.
I'm not mad at you.
Reliving that night made me realize that you were right.
Doug wasn't the guy for me.
And I kissed you because I was looking for a way out.
You dated a stiff 14 years ago.
It's all in the past.
No, no, no.
I have repeated this pattern my whole life.
I've always gone for guys who are safe and reliable, even when I knew I wanted more.
I'm pathetic.
You're pathetic? I've hit on you in three decades, and all I've gotten is two kisses.
No, I'm serious.
I'm afraid I'm with tom right now for the same reasons I was with Doug.
Tom is a solid guy.
If I was critical of him earlier, it's because I was a little jealous.
The only two guys that aren't going to kiss a girl tonight are me and Carter.
Strike that.
You know what, Charlie? For three decades of work, you get a kiss.
All those years and all I get is a peck on the cheek? Thanks.
Have fun with tom tonight.
I will.
Caitlin? Uh Tom! Charlie.
Schmuckers.
Tom.
We gotta hustle to make our show.
By the way Change of plans.
Oh, my God! U2 tickets! You didn't really think I was gonna take you to that play, did you? We gotta hurry.
I'll get us a cab.
See you Monday.
Yeah.
See ya.
[SIGHS.]
Sir.
I need a beer.
A beer? What are you, a wait, I know that one.
Well, Mike, I like the minimum wage increase and the paid family leave program, but your idea for inner-city tax credits has already been said.
Drink! ALL CHANTING: Drink! Drink! Drink! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- [MAN.]
Sit, ubu, sit.
Good dog.
- [BARKING.]
Moo.