The Goldbergs s06e18 Episode Script

1 The '80s marked the rise of the cooking show.
There was Yan, The Galloping Gourmet, the Cajun cook, and of course, a Swedish Muppet.
But my mom's lifelong hero was Julia Child.
I'm Julia Child.
Julia's show, The French Chef, was the inspiration for our family's deliciously cheesy "French phase.
" BEVERLY: For Erica, savory Quiche Lorraine.
For Murray, melty cheese fondue.
It's like nachos without the hassle.
And for my hungry bear, potatoes au gratin, extra gratin.
This is gonna wreck me.
Thanks, Mom.
Julia even inspired my mom to write The Beverly Goldberg Cookbook.
She sent it to every publisher in town, confident that she'd take the cooking world by storm.
Or Not.
Aw, honey, what's wrong? Nothing.
I'm just tearing up 'cause Julia's chopping an onion.
You do know that that onion is on TV, right? [VOICE BREAKING.]
Okay, fine! [SNIFFLES.]
It's my cookbook.
I sent it out to some publishers, and they said I was poop and that my cooking was poop and that my one and only dream is poop! No one has just one dream, Bevy.
I'm sure you got plenty of others.
[SNIFFS.]
Well, like Barry becomes a doctor, Erica wins a Grammy, Adam gets a rare disease that prevents his snuggly little body from developing into a full adult man.
Bev, none of those dreams are about you, and one in particular is very troubling.
Damn it, I know! Erica's never gonna win a Grammy! Okay, I'm sure it's not as bad as ya think.
Lemme see that letter.
Take your pick.
"Dear Ms.
Goldberg, your blending of fish and veal "is both upsetting and against God's plan.
" [SOBBING.]
I'm twisted up inside But nonetheless I feel the need to say Synced and Corrected By YesCool I don't know the future But the past keeps getting clearer every day It was March 13th, 1980-something, and my brother had a new concern about his future.
Listen up.
I've got some deeply upsetting news, JTP.
- JTP! - No! Not the time.
Mr.
Glascott just called an emergency college meeting with me by chasing me down the hall.
Oh, no.
What's wrong? Turns out, we all need recommendation letters from teachers to get into college.
And? Wait, you all knew about this and didn't tell me? I tried to tell you, but you said - Stop speaking, Matt Bradley! - Yeah, that exactly.
Seriously, you all have 'em? Definitely to rub it in your face, but Geoff got 12 reccos.
Twelve? That's almost a baker's dozen! Gimme one.
I'll just open it and change the name from Geoff to Big Tasty.
- No! - What's the big deal? Bar, those letters were written about me.
And they need to be sent in sealed so the admissions people know they're legit.
So, you're saying I'm going to actually have to ask a teacher to write nice stuff about me? Ha! You're not going to college.
College-what? Who said college? Whoa, where'd he come from? For a big man, he moves like a phantom.
Because college is the only thing that matters to me That and the thermostat.
Okay, don't freak out and call me a moron, but I've apparently thus far failed to "obtain" a "recommendation letter" from a "teacher" at "school.
" Stop with the quotes.
My God, I raised a moron.
You have.
"This is your fault.
" Luckily, our school had an insanely nice science teacher who couldn't say no to anyone.
- Dr.
Katman? - Down here! Oh, no! You're lying on a bed of nails! Physics is just so bitchin'! Am I right? [LAUGHS.]
Wanna try? Mmm.
Well anyway, I know this is last minute, but apparently you gotta have a teacher - write you a college rec - Aw, buddy! I am so honored you asked me.
Truly, man! - Really? - Call me a proton! That's how positive I am! - Dude, I really owe you one! - Stop.
Just like a neutron, there's no charge.
[LAUGHS.]
And also please don't put any of those jokes in my letter.
With that, Barry's problem was solved.
And after all my mom's rejection letters, she turned to her hero, Julia Child, for answers.
Adam, I need your help.
This is a legitimate, real emergency.
Oh, my God, what? I've thought of a super-easy, fool proof way to sell my book.
I'm gonna do a cooking show like Julia Child, and you are gonna be my director and my on-camera sidekick.
I didn't follow any of that, but I'm pretty sure it's not an emergency.
You know, at first, the rejection letters were devastating, but then I remembered that Julia didn't become famous 'til she was 50 and had her own cooking show! Huh? That's where you come in.
Or go out as fast as I can 'cause what you just said is horrifying.
But this is so up your alley, Adam.
You're always running around with a video camera.
Me? Nah, that's like the opposite of what I do.
You got a camera in your hand right now.
Good eye! [CHUCKLES.]
Good eye.
Thing is, I was just about to put this in the garage 'cause making childish movies just doesn't appeal to me anymore.
Let's start filming, kiddo.
This karate tortoise outfit is already making me schvitz.
Okay, fine! I still make awesome movies! But I honestly don't know the first thing about making a cooking show.
It's The Chadam Cooking Hour: episode 140! Okay, fine! I made six years' worth of cooking shows! Doesn't mean I can help you! Adam, please.
Be my cooking sidekick.
It's my dream.
Adam, I saw the rejection letters! It was too much! Just help the lady with her dream! Even if I wanted to help, I don't run a TV station.
I'm just a kid with a camera.
What about public access? They'll let anyone on there.
I watch this one program where a lady answers tax questions in a bikini.
Her information is definitely wrong, - but I'm a loyal viewer.
- Perfect.
I'm gonna call public access and verbally harass the first person who picks up and tell them that we are coming down there! We're gonna be TV stars! While I was facing a world of embarrassment, Barry was ready to rub his recco letter in Erica's face.
- Hey, my Caboodle! - Erica's Caboodle! Silence! In my hand, I hold a glowing recco from Dr.
Katman.
- Oh, man, what a relief! - Yeah.
Feels good to know I'm not gonna be a full-time drain on society like your miserable couch sloth of a girlfriend.
- Excuse me? - You've worn sweats for six straight days.
- You get it.
- Well, I wouldn't be so cocky.
You don't even know what that teacher wrote about you.
I'm sure it's great.
Dr.
Katman's super nice and also, he has, like, the most hilarious science jokes.
They guy's nice, all right.
If anything, too nice.
The kind of nice you almost don't trust.
It's like, "What are you hiding, man?" It is like he's hiding something.
Erica, stop.
Don't whip him into a frenzy just because he commented on your current life situation.
I'm not.
I'm just stating the simple fact that one single letter can ruin his life forever.
I gotta see what's in this letter! Barry, stop.
You can't look at that.
Wait, I got something.
What's "poosnicken" mean? Is that good from an educator? Doesn't sound good.
Ta.
[MUMBLING.]
Couch sloth my ass.
Dude, she's just messing with you 'cause she's in a bad place.
Yeah, I know.
You're right.
And yet, it's too late.
I assumed.
And so, Barry broke the sacred code of the recco letter using a high-tech method he learned from watching Murder, She Wrote.
Oh, crap! It worked! "It is a great honor and privilege to give "Barry Goldberg my highest recommendation.
" Uh, Bar? The steam is making the ink run! Don't panic! We'll just dry it off with the iron.
[SIZZLING.]
Oh, no! The iron's intense heat is burning the paper! Don't panic.
I'll just spray it with water from this bottle.
Oh, no! The charred remnants are soaked, and now the ink's running even more! Don't panic! I'll just hit it with the iron again! [SIZZLING.]
Let me try to piece it back together! - Time to panic! - Aah! Aah! The charred remnants are burning my hands! While Barry destroyed his letter, my mom was taking a page from Julia Child for our first rehearsal.
And action.
Hi, I'm Adam.
[IMITATING JULIA CHILD.]
Hello! I'm Beverly Goldberg.
Welcome to The Goldberg Gourmet.
Bon appetit! And cut.
Okay, I got some performance notes.
- [NORMAL VOICE.]
Hit me.
- So, you're a human person.
So, you should talk like one.
And action.
- [IMITATING JULIA CHILD.]
Well, hello! - Cut.
- Hello! - Cut.
- Hello, I'm Beverly Goldberg - Cut! Welcome to The Goldberg Gourmet.
Bon appetit.
And Cut.
I think I know what's happening.
Seems whenever I say "action," your mom panics and becomes Julia Child.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
Oh, don't be ridiculous! Here, I'll prove it.
- Say "action" and watch me cook.
- Action.
[IMITATING JULIA CHILD.]
This lovely dish is made with saltwater prawns, Parmesan cheese, and butter because butter is better! - I'm Julia Child! - Cut.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
Okay, maybe I am doing a little something.
And I'm doing a lot of quitting.
- Good luck with your project.
- Wait, why? 'Cause you're gonna embarrass me on public television, seen by dozens.
And it doesn't matter to you that this might - actually help sell my cookbook? - No! 'Cause my mom making a cookbook is also embarrassing, and so are your aprons and weird parm dishes and everything about you.
It's pure embarrassment, and you have no idea what it feels like.
Oh-ho, and you think I'm never embarrassed by you? Um, no! I think you made it pretty clear you love everything that I do.
So, you don't think I'm embarrassed when I have friends over, and you do one of your creepy shows with a ventriloquist dummy? You bought us matching outfits! And you don't think I was embarrassed to watch a three-hour one-man show where you played an eclectic cast of international characters? [JAMAICAN ACCENT.]
You said my Jamaican accent was spot-on, mon! And you don't think I was embarrassed to run down to your school with an extra pair of pants because of the thing I promised never to speak about? [GASPS.]
[NORMAL VOICE.]
Promise broken! Baby, you are ten thousand times more embarrassing than I will ever be, but it doesn't matter because I love you more than anything! Clearly, you don't feel the same way.
And cut! Come on.
Even though Barry ruined his college reco, he knew doc will be more than happy to write him a new one.
- Hey, Doc! Got a sec? - Of course, Goldie! A little time for my star student.
But first, let me wet the ole whistle with some wine.
Oh, you say this is just water.
I didn't say anything.
[LAUGHS.]
A toast to you! Fun.
So, what's the important news? I'm excited.
You should be.
Remember that letter you wrote me? Of course.
Your college recommendation letter.
Yeah, that's the one.
Turns out, I read it against your wishes and destroyed it with fire and water.
But you're gonna write me a new one 'cause you did say I'm your star student.
It doesn't feel like that anymore, pal.
Wow, I'm like really mad right now.
I understand why you would be, but I'm very confused by your smile and cheery tone.
Well, let me clear it up.
I'm really pissed, and I'm not gonna write [BLEEP.]
for you, because what you did was really [BLEEP.]
up.
But I still need a recco for college.
I'd ask another teacher, pal.
I wish you all the best.
Uh-oh.
Yeah, uh-oh! You better go because I'm saying words that I never thought I would say to a child! [BLEEP.]
[BLEEP.]
Hey, man, you okay? You've barely touched your Fruit Roll-Up finger.
Eh.
Last night, I got into it with my mom, and she kinda got in my head.
How? Do you guys think I'm embarrassing? [CLEARS THROAT.]
Oh, balls! You're all avoiding eye contact! Bro, I think it's pretty well-known that you're Unique.
- I'd say one of a kind.
- Your own man.
Those are just nice ways of saying I'm super embarrassing! What's up? Adam's mom caved and finally admitted the kid's an embarrassment.
- Oh, sure.
- What? You're my girlfriend! You're aware of this, too? - It's endearing.
- [EXHALES SHARPLY.]
Aww Also [ANGRILY.]
Aw! How can my own mother protect and praise me with a lifetime of lies? So, you're saying she's a bad mom for accepting the humiliation you bring her with grace and kindness? Yes! God, I suck! For the first time ever, my mom needed me to support her, and I flat-out said no.
Well, there has to be some way you can make it right.
It's obvious! I'll just co-host a public access cooking show with her! Not sure how obvious that was.
My mom wants to be the darling of the food world who sells millions of cookbooks, and I will not rest until it happens! As I was off to help my mom with her TV dreams, Barry was on a mission for a new recco.
All right, before I do, let's just take a look at some of the work you did this year in my class.
What is this? That's my napkin holder.
And this? That's a shoe holder, for the holding of shoes.
What exactly is this? Bird house.
And where exactly would a bird live? On top of it.
Or it could lie down here or walk around over here.
Thank you for your time.
You were stage crew for two days and dropped a chandelier on my head.
Thank you for your time.
In order to save you time and energy, I've written the recommendation letter myself.
If you could just sign it "Barry Goldberg can squat a baby elephant "and bench 275 an unlimited number of times.
" Uh-huh.
Just right at the bottom there Tell you what, if you can do one pull up, I'll sign this letter and walk it to the college myself.
[MUSIC PLAYED.]
Thank you for your time.
Well, you can't just give up.
- You need a good recco to get into - Shh! [WHISPERING.]
Don't say that word 'cause Dad will hear.
Oh, man, I've sunk so low that I've stopped my own brother - from getting into [MOUTHS.]
[NORMAL VOICE.]
No! I destroyed the letter.
This whole [MOUTHS.]
mess is my fault.
I only convinced you that Doc wrote you a bad [MOUTHS.]
recco 'cause I was jealous.
'Cause I'm going to [MOUTHS.]
? Yes! You're about to go on a wild [MOUTHS.]
adventure.
I know I thought that dropping out of [MOUTHS.]
was the right move, but I'm realizing that I really needed [MOUTHS.]
to grow up a bit.
Look, I know you're freaking out about your future, but if anyone's gonna be a rock star, it's my rock star sister.
That means a lot.
I'm sorry I've been such a jerk.
It's cool.
Everyone stresses out when it comes to college.
Who said college? What happened? Tell me! Okay! Fine! I messed up.
No, I did.
I got in Barry's head and made him open his recco.
- And then he ruined it.
- Wait, you know? Yes! I found that charred, damp letter right where you left it.
Gah! Why didn't Mom clean that up? Because you're a dumbass, which is why I went to Katman and got you a brand-new recco.
How is this happening? The man said no and cursed me out in the nicest possible way! Because this man doesn't take no for an answer when it comes to college.
But listen to me.
Do not betray your weird, happy teacher again.
As a matter of fact, just steer clear of him forever.
My God, you're actually super effective and good at Dad stuff when you care.
That's on you for not being interesting.
You gotta promise me you're gonna go against all your instincts and not be a moron who opens this letter.
Can you do that? Can you not be a moron? - Honestly, that's asking a lot.
- It really is, Dad.
As Barry took on the challenge of a lifetime, I was ready to give my mom her lifelong dream.
Oh, Lord.
Oh, Lord in poop.
You know what? You were right.
This is not gonna help me sell my cookbook.
All I'm gonna do is make a fool of myself.
Mom! Look at me.
You're in my world now, the AV world.
This is where I shine.
So you just have to follow my lead, and I'll make you look good.
Okay, I am so confused.
You said I know what I said, and I was wrong.
You've always been there to support me with your love and kindness and new pants.
And now it's my turn to support you.
So take my hand and let's go be on a TV station that legally has to let anyone on.
Preheat that oven.
It's parmin' time.
Oh, yeah.
Years of making my own movies had led to this moment.
And rolling.
Hi, I'm Adam Ooh, boy.
In that moment, I discovered that when I go in front of an actual TV camera, I freeze up with crippling stage fright.
It's true, my body literally shuts down.
[MUMBLING.]
[MUTTERING.]
Okay Guess that's my cue.
Hi.
Hello and welcome.
I'm Beverly Goldberg, and this is my little sous-chef, Adam.
Adam, say hello to the viewers.
Adam.
Me.
Now, the secret to shredding mozzarella is to put the block of cheese in the freezer first.
Sous-chef Adam, the grater, please.
My hands are numb.
Over the teeth and through the gums, look out, tummy, here it comes.
Hoooo! Whoooo is excited about my shrimp parm? Well, I sure as heck am.
Five stars, Mama.
Oh You can find this parm and many more parms like it in The Beverly Goldberg Cookbook.
[QUIETLY.]
I'm passing out.
That's right.
Coming soon to book retailers near you.
- I'm passing out.
- What? I'm passing out.
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
Do you want to sit down or something? I'm gone! I'm gone.
I'm down.
I'm Beverly Goldberg, thank you, and good night.
Mama's Mama's here, schmoo! With my dad's help, Barry got a new college recco from Doc, or so he thought.
Hey, Goldie.
Listen, I didn't sleep all night after I unloaded on you.
Not my best me.
No, I deserved that surprising barrage of potty language.
Look, I know how important that letter is to you, so I wrote you another one.
- You wrote a third letter? - Third? Buddy, this is the second one right here.
No, this is the second letter.
You gave it to my dad yesterday.
He may have given it to you, but I didn't give it to him.
Wait! That's why my dad told me not to talk to you! He didn't want us to figure this out.
Figure what out? What the hell is in that envelope, pal? God only knows! We gotta open that letter.
But what about trust and all that stuff you got mad about? I've never been on this side of it before! It is really eating away at me, buddy! Me too! But how do we open this letter without ruining it? With the answer to everything.
Science! That day, my brother set off to solve the mystery of a lifetime, and that night, I was reliving the embarrassment of a lifetime.
I'm down.
Hey, pickle, maybe you should just watch The A Team instead? I just wanted to see if my on-camera debut was as bad as I thought.
And it's worse.
[SIGHS.]
No.
You were adorable.
You don't have to do that, Mom.
I just really wanted to help you.
[REO SPEEDWAGON'S KEEP ON LOVING YOU PLAYS.]
Listen, lovebug, you putting yourself out there to support me, it helped me more than you could ever know.
Come on, I just ended up embarrassing you again.
Adam, I love every embarrassing thing about you.
It's what makes you the most special, brilliant boy anyone could ever ask for.
Well, if this cookbook thing doesn't pan out, at least we learned you're shockingly awesome on camera.
Forget TV.
That cookbook is my dream, and knowing I have your support lets me know that one day, it'll happen.
Until then, I'll leave the cooking shows to you and Chad.
And though I know all about those men Still I don't remember And done.
[SIGHS.]
"To whom it may concern.
Barry is fearless "and has a boundless passion and enormous appetite for life.
"But what I admire most about my son "is that no one has bigger dreams and more potential.
" Wow, your dad wrote this.
"I might be Barry's father, but he's the one who teaches me every day.
" "The only thing he can't do is know how much I believe in him.
" And I'm gonna keep on loving you Wow, I can't believe Dad wrote such beautiful stuff about you.
Well, you know him.
Anything for college.
College? What about college? What now? Actually, I was just about to send out the recco I got from Doc, which he gave me today.
So I won't be needing the one you wrote.
You weren't supposed to see that.
Well, I did.
And I'm gonna keep on loving you 'Cause it's the only thing Fine, you can keep the stupid letter.
Forever.
I don't wanna sleep Yep, sometimes even the people you're closest to can be full of surprises.
Welcome to The Chadam Cooking Hour! I'm master chef Chad Kremp! And I'm sous-chef Adam! Before we begin, it's important to always stick matzoh to your face! And make sure to butter up your face so you can glue it right on.
Mmm, yes.
In the end, my mom kept working on her cookbook, but she realized she didn't have to be Julia Child to be happy 'cause she already had the recipe for success, a loving family.
[LAUGHS.]
Cooking is fun! - I love matzoh! - I love matzoh! - And I can eat matzoh! - And I can eat matzoh! [LAUGHS.]
[VOCALIZING AS BLENDER.]
- I got a knife.
- I got a knife.
- Can I do this? - Can I do this? - Can I do this? - Can I do this? - Can I do this? - Can I do this? - Can I do this? - Can I do this? - Can I do this? - Can I do this? - Now, our next - Now, our next - ingredient is Cool Whip.
- ingredient is Cool Whip.
- Make a beard.
- Make a beard.
- Put it on your glasses.
- Put it on your glasses.
Okay, just mailed in my last recco and application.
Only a few months left, and I'm outta this dump.
- School sucks.
- I'll cherish you all.
Our lives are finally beginning, JTP.
I can't wait to come back for our 10-year reunion and show everyone how awesome we all are.
Oh, we'll show 'em when I roll up with Erica, and I'll be like, "'Sup! This wasn't a fluke.
" Well, I'll cruise in on my rocket boots and my two wives named Heather Locklear and Thomas.
Oh, yeah? I'm gonna beam here from planet Barry, where I ride space elephants and rule Rap City with an iron fist.
Wow, I can't wait for this reunion.
Reunions! JTP: Reunions!