The Nanny s06e18 Episode Script

Previously on "The Nanny" He's a very heavy sleeper.
Sometimes I'll ring him up for a diet soda, I get no answer.
Oh, my God! Oh, this is worse than when I walked in on my parents.
At least they had the decency to be covered in crumbs.
I I I don't ever want to see that again.
I I just don't understand.
What happened? Five hours ago they were at each other's throats.
Well apparently they decided to move downward.
What are we going to do? What are we gonna say to them when we see them? Now, darling, I think the best course of action is to exercise self-control and say nothing.
All right.
What about for me? I'm too sexy for my apron Too sexy for my baking cutter, too sexy for my sub-zero Too sex I, er, I couldn't sleep.
I was, um Too sexy? Oh, Niles.
I know what's troubling you.
You're probably all torn up, you know, about resigning.
But judging from the smile on your banana I'm guessing you decided to stay? Um, yeah.
Ah, Niles, you you've got an armful of toppings there.
Don't you need something to put all that on? I have something in my room.
She was working in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens Till her boyfriend kicked her out in one of those crushing scenes What was she to do, where was she to go, she was out on her fanny So over the bridge from Flushing to the Sheffield's door She was there to sell makeup, but the father saw more She had style, she had flair, she was there, that's how she became the Nanny Who would have guessed that the girl we described Was just exactly what the doctor prescribed? Now, the father finds her beguiling, watch out, C.
C.
And the kids are actually smiling such joie de vivre She's the lady in red when everybody else is wearing tan The flashy girl from Flushing, the Nanny named Fran Honey, I made you some tea.
I hope you don't mind sugar.
If you want honey you're gonna have to scrape it off of Miss Babcock.
( Sighs ) What's the matter, sweetie? Well, my play closed so it's not gonna open on Broadway.
- Aw.
- You know, I felt so sure this was the year I was gonna beat out Andrew Lloyd Webber for a Tony.
Sweetie, Andrew Lloyd Webber didn't have a show opening this season.
I know, I really had a chance.
And I've already rented the 49th Street theater.
It's gonna cost me a fortune.
Money I'm never gonna see again.
Oh, sweetie, you can always get your money back.
You know, ma once got a refund on a chicken carcass that she claimed the meat fell off on the way home.
Good morning, Max.
Franny, don't you look pretty today.
Babies, babies, babies, babies! ( laughs ) Oh, Miss Babcock.
Aren't you in a good mood.
What got into you? Hello, hello.
C.
C.
, I, um, ( clears throat ) I thought, ah, thought you resigned last night.
Oh, can't a girl have a change of heart? I think a change of clothes would do you better.
Aren't you wearing the same thing you wore yesterday? Um, yes.
Whenever I find something I love I always buy two and wear it the next day.
Haven't you ever noticed? No.
Well, get used to it.
It's gonna start happening a lot.
Anyway, Maxwell, I have fabulous news.
Someone wants to rent the 49th Street theater to open their new play.
Oh, that's fantastic.
That completely lets us off the hook.
So, who's opening a new show? Andrew Lloyd Webber.
What? No! Absolutely not.
I don't care if I lose a fortune.
That man is not having my theater.
Oh, honey, stop it.
Just remember it doesn't matter what he does.
His hits, his Tonys, his knighthood.
You'd better be building to a big finish.
You'll always be the pretty one.
Well, he can forget it.
And you can call the newspapers and tell them Maxwell Sheffield is opening his own new show.
Oh and, ah, have them print our pictures side by side.
I want everyone to see I'm the pretty one.
Oh, hey, did either of you guys happen to see "Diagnosis Murder" last night? I fell asleep.
- Uh no.
- Uh no.
Oh, that's so too bad.
I was so hoping to find out if the butler did it.
T.
V.
: The gestation period for the female elephant is up to two years.
Oh, my God! What I don't get, Fran, is, elephants are always so big.
How can you tell when they're pregnant? ( Elephant trumpeting ) - That's how.
- Oh.
( Doorbell rings ) Oh, I'll get it.
What happened to Niles? How come he doesn't get the door anymore? Oh, sweetie, he's been getting the door for years.
Now he's finally getting something he hasn't gotten for years.
Hi! - Hello.
- Hi! Oh, what a gorgeous chest.
Oh, thank you.
Sammy, Sammy says I got the boobs of a 73-year-old.
Darling, I brought Yetta's hope chest.
It's antique.
I thought it would be perfect for the nursery.
Yeah.
Yetta, you've got everything in here.
Wow.
Oh, look at this picture.
He's gorgeous.
Who is that, grandpa? Uh yeah.
Oh! Oh, look how cute that is! Was this yours? Yeah, that was my first baby dress.
( laughs ) Your mother's first one is in there too.
Aw! Ooh! Oh, those are my old love letters that I wrote.
Aw, to grandpa? Uh yeah.
It says, "Dear Richard.
" Daddy's name was Joe.
Would you believe Richard is short for Joe? No.
All right.
I'm busted.
I never told this to anyone, but I was in love once, before your father.
Wow, Yetta.
You had like a whole Dawson's Shtetl thing going on back there.
We met on a boat coming over from Romania.
My marriage to your grandfather was already planned, and he was waiting for me, but once I saw Richard Yetta: He was so handsome in his captain's uniform.
Fran: He was a captain in the Navy? Yetta: No, in the first class dining room! Ooh! Yetta: And when our eyes met Did anything intimate happen between you and Richard? Of course not.
I was on my way to meet my future husband.
We got separated on Ellis Island, and your grandfather was there waiting for me.
But I told him I couldn't marry him because I wasn't sure of my feelings.
So I looked for Richard for five years.
I wrote him a letter every day.
How did you know where to send the letters? I guess that's why I still have them.
So, Yetta, you're keeping us all in suspense.
Who did you end up marrying? Richard or or Fran's grandfather? Hi, sweetie.
Did you get a play for your theater yet? Yeah, well, you tell me.
Here's a hip-hop musical, called, "Booty and the Beast.
" Oh, and yes, someone had the brilliant idea of writing the musical version of the film "Witness.
" Get this.
"Amish Behavin'.
" Well, I've got your next hit right over here.
Oh no, God, please don't tell me it's a boring three-act play about a butler's life, which mysteriously keeps creeping its way to the top of my pile.
Uh, well then I guess you wouldn't be interested in reading "Yetta's Letters" for a play? Nope.
Then I'll read them to you.
Sweetheart, I'm a producer.
I know what makes good theater.
Trust me, Yetta's letters won't.
Fine.
Fine.
( Phone rings ) Hello, Mr.
Thinks-He-Knows-Everything Productions.
Hold on.
Andrew Lloyd Webber's secretary.
Pretend you work for me.
Oh, I could do that.
I did it for five years.
Uh, yes, this is Mr.
Sheffield's secretary.
With what may I help you with doing, please? Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Uh.
He wants to talk to you.
He doesn't understand why you won't rent him your theater.
Oh tell him I'm not in, and I'll explain everything in a letter.
He says he's not in.
And he will explain everything in a letter.
What's your address? Mm-hmm.
Oh, that's a lovely neighborhood.
The entire floor, you say? He's got the entire fl oh, you're not interested in this.
Okay, I've got it.
Thanks, honey.
Yeah, goodbye.
Excuse me, sir.
The messenger's here to pick up all the scripts you've rejected.
Well, that'll be all of them.
Including mine? "Love, Valet, Compassion?" Particularly.
Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute, you know I don't like ranch dressing, where's my Italian? Oh.
Seems we're all out of olive oil.
Oh, hi, B.
Oh, hey, Fran.
- Do you know if dad saw this? - What? "Andrew Lloyd Webber announces plans to mount new musical.
" Oh, my God, let me see that.
He always gets so upset when Webber's doing "a Broadway musical based off of the love letters" Young immigrant woman- Yetta Rosenberg!" What's Andrew Lloyd Webber doing with your grandmother's letters? Oh, my God! I must have written his address down on Yetta's envelope.
Your father can't find out about this, because you know who he's going to blame, don't you? Max: C.
C.
! Oh, thank God! Thank God! Max: Where's Fran? How did Andrew Lloyd Webber get Yetta's letters? Now I don't know exactly how, I don't know exactly why, but I do know that this is somehow your fault.
I had nothing to do with it.
But I'd fire that idiot secretary you hired.
I think she steals.
How could you do this to me? How could she do this to me? I'm mishpucheh! Excuse me, but as I recall, I offered them to you, and your exact words were, "No, no, no.
" And since when did you take "no, no, no" for an answer? You know what, lady? Married life has made you soft.
Oh, stop it.
You're getting all worked up over nothing.
Come over here.
Look at this.
It says that he's only negotiating.
Negotiating.
Now you're her favorite grandson.
Trust me, I know what I'm talking about here.
Why's she going to go pick a perfect stranger over you, huh? Paris is lovely, Mr.
Lloyd Webber.
You could have gone to EPCOT and seen all of Europe.
Where do I sign? Hello, hello.
Is spring in the air? Yetta signed the rights to her letters to Andrew Lloyd Webber.
What do you have to say about that? Why are these doors closed? It's such a beautiful day.
( Inhales ) Smell that breeze.
Well, hello, little birdie, aren't you beautiful? ( Whistles ) ( bird sings ) I'm as restless as a willow in a windstorm I'm as giddy as a baby on a Sweetie, I brou I brought you some ice-cream to make you feel better.
Oh.
Hon, you know, I'd really love some chocolate syrup.
Yeah, well, who wouldn't? You know, darling, I've been thinking.
There's no way this contract between Yetta and Webber could possibly be valid.
I mean, let's face it.
Yetta isn't exactly in her right mind.
Oh, sweetie, just because she thinks we're Rob and Laura Petrie and she's our neighbor Millie, I mean, she's occasionally confused.
Occasionally? Oh, sweet doggie.
Nice puppy.
Wow, she don't feed him enough.
( Hitting piano keys ) Oh, God.
Beautiful.
Thank you.
Why doesn't anyone ever eat these fruits? Because they're wax.
Even the grapes? Yetta Yetta: What? When you coming out of there? Yetta: I can't decide whether to vote for Nixon or Kennedy.
Something terrible happened.
I just heard it on the news.
What? What? What happened, Yetta? Wait a minute I lost it.
Don't worry, Yetta.
You told me in case you forgot.
Who are you? Oh, you're right.
That contract is so not valid.
What the heck is my mother doing in Paris posing next to Jim Morrison's grave? Ma, you know, Andrew Lloyd Webber is trying to schmooze Yetta into signing the rights to her letters.
Well, he's schmoozing the wrong lady.
I got power of attorney years ago.
What? Thank God! So you mean you can just sign the rights over to us? - Sure.
- That's great.
So what do we have to do to get things started, hmm? This wasn't really necessary.
But we'd better get our check, because our flight to London leaves in an hour.
Frere Jacques! Frere Jacques! Dormez-vous.
I'm torn between the man I love And the man whose name is Joe I hear he is a furrier So we know he isn't poor On the island Ellis Island A new life will begin If they'll only let us in I'm in love with a waiter Who cannot afford to date her On the bright side, he can cater Boy, his folks are going to hate her On the island Ellis Island If I say yes to a waiter, am I totally mishuggah? Stick with your intended You'll have champagne and beluga On the island Ellis Island On the island Ellis Island On the island ( Applause ) "Sheffield has the hit of the Broadway season.
" "A sure-fire Tony contender.
" "The feel-good sing-along of the year.
" "Marble rye Oh, wasn't that some story? The way she gave up the handsome waiter for that simple furrier.
What a schmuck.
Well, I'm feeling a little tired.
I, ah I think I'll retire.
Congratulations again, sir.
- Thank you.
- Well, I've had a long day too, and I have all that publicity to get rolling tomorrow.
I'll see you in the morning.
- Bye.
- Good night.
You know what, sweetheart? After all these years, I finally beat out Andrew Lloyd Webber.
Mm-hmm.
It doesn't feel as good as I thought it would.
Which is why I'm going to send him these.
You know, honey, "Yetta's Letters" would make a great movie.
Oh, I know.
And that's exactly why first thing in the morning, my lawyer is going to get in touch with Sylvia for the film rights.
Oh, yeah, I'm not going to let an opportunity like this slip through my fingers.
So, Steven.
Are you the of the Rego Park Spielbergs? Or the "Jurassic Park" Spielbergs? ( Speaks French ) Ding, dang, dong.
Maxwell, I just read Niles' play, and it is genius.
Well, I don't see it.
How about now? ( Music ) I scrub and I dust and I do what I must For a millionaire with a full head of hair But it doesn't matter what I'm paid Because I'm finally getting Six bucks an hour Includes a room and shower Which I myself must scour No wonder he's so dour He's a six-bucks-an-hour man He don't need seven And I'm in heaven He's a six-bucks-an-hour man - Ooh! - O-oh! Oh! ( Jazz music playing )