30 Rock s06e19 Episode Script

Live television.
Who cares? Who cares? Everybody.
We love live TV.
Do we, Lemon? Do you really love the overzealous studio audience who will applaud at anything? Here in the greatest city on earth, New York City, baby? Whassup? Wait, what are you saying, Jack? 'Cause "TGS" is live.
Not any more.
It's financially impractical.
From now on, you write and shoot the whole season in two weeks like "Wheel of fortune" or FOX news.
No.
I mean, I grew up on live TV.
Friday night in my parents basement.
A telethon and cheese steaks.
I can see it like it was yesterday.
Best prom night ever! I'm going to lose my virginity in nine years.
"TGS" has to be live or it will lose all the excitement and spontaneity.
That's the beauty of live TV.
Anything can happen.
There's a bathroom in here you can use, sir Paul McCartney.
See? Awesome.
Yes.
But my way is cheaper, and you only have to work two weeks out of the year.
I want to go to there.
So it's settled.
Tonight is PGS's final live show.
What? No, live television is an American tradition.
You can't just throw it away! Sorry, Kenneth.
It's a done deal.
Our last live show? No.
Welcome to the "30 ROCK" live show on NBC did you know that the 30 ROCK live show comes live from NYC s06 ep19 - Live from studio, east coast There's a rumor spreading around here like wildfire.
But unlike the wildfires I've started, this one doesn't sexually arouse me.
It's true, Hazel.
Tonight will be our last live show but don't worry.
It won't affect you.
Unless my plan all along was to run on stage during a sketch and get discovered by Hollywood.
Liz.
An important me-nouncement.
Paul and I have decided to get married.
Oh.
Wow.
And I told Paul that he should propose to me tonight on tg - Absolutely not! - You didn't let me finish.
S.
Jen, come one, it's our last live show! Exactly! And it's Jenna Maroney is getting engaged, it's going to be on live TV.
I've been working on my reaction since I was 3.
Aaah! It's happening, Liz.
Miss Lemon, Mr.
Jordan just discovered you can get pornography on the Internet.
Oh, my gosh.
He's going to die in there.
What's going on? You called a meeting, Lemon.
Actually, I called it.
Gasp! Live television is sacred, and we are not leaving this room until the 12 of us have agreed to defend her.
There is a great American play that was first written and performed for live television.
It's called "12 angry men.
" No, we are not debating this like a jury.
Shut him down, Jack.
"12 angry men" is preposterous Kenneth.
by Jane Fonda's father? Open the door.
How long do you think you'll get away with this? Hazel or Jenna will know that we're missing.
Have an amazing set tonight, everyone.
I love you all.
Tonight, night, Hazel.
I do my surprise cameleo it goes viral, I take medicine for it.
Next stop, Hollywood, Florida to get the car from my mom.
Next stop, California, piece of kitchen.
Tell my old boss, suck it.
Next stop, tinseltown, because Christmas decorations are really cheap this time of year.
Nothing brings our country together like live television.
In studio 6h, it's a part of that tradition.
Why it was right here that NBC broadcast the final episode of the 1950s classic "The Lovebirds.
" It's the grandpa replacement comedy hour sponsored by Kraft Singles.
Make it with milk, is the cheese that won World War II.
And now, "The Lovebirds.
" Starring Cubby Gilmore and Loretta Fields.
I'm home, baby.
And I could eat a horse.
Don't you dare touch that bacon till it's done, Larry.
Ooooooh.
Ooooo-boy.
Oh, brother, now I'm cooking a Turkey, too.
That's rich.
One of these days, I'm going to take a shot and blam! And blow your face off.
It would still be better than our honeymoon.
What was wrong with Niagara Falls? Your mother found it chilly.
You're a real cut-up.
In fact, one of these days I'm gonna cut you up in pieces and feed you to the neighbor's dogs.
It will be the first time you've taken me out for dinner in years.
Keep it up, Doris and bang, zoom, I'm going to drown you in the bathtub and say a mental patient did it.
Like I always say Aaaaachh.
That's a funny thing to say.
This is real.
Real heart attack.
Here, eat the bacon.
It'll lubricate your heart.
Ride it out.
Ride it to hell.
Come on now, Larry.
Don't be a sissy I'm having a heart attack, too.
My marriage is a sham.
My makeup lady is my lover.
Hello.
I'm Nazi doctor Heinrich Spaceman.
I mean doctor.
We can edit that out, right? Oh, it's live! Are you a modern housewife who is in the family way? Smoke Chattertons cigarettes.
Your baby's lungs need refreshing nicotine for science reasons.
And his growing bones need tar to hold them together.
Nine out of ten doctors surveyed said, who is this? Why are you calling so late? But the tenth guy was into it.
Chattertons tastes so cool and mild a treat for you and your unborn child Jenna, remember that package you made me take to Singapore last summer? I just got out of Changi prison.
Thank you.
Just portion control and exercise.
Paul! Did you pick up the ring? Liza minnelli's baby tooth surrounded by rubies that passed through a terrified Michael Kors.
It'll look amazing on camera.
Look .
I don't want to propose on TV.
I want it to be private.
What are you saying, Paul? Rick Santorum is right.
Marriage is a sacred union between a man and a woman.
Which is why I'm asking you right now to make me the luckiest schman Look, I'm sorry to play the biological woman card here, but according to Roe V.
Dwyane Wade, I have a right to choose.
And I choose a televised proposal.
If you can't give me that, I'm not sure what my answer will be.
Are you giving me an ultimatum? Look, I am the man here, Jenna.
I may have a dress and a wig and a gynecologist, but I am the man.
Without live TV, think of the amazing moments we would have missed.
The moon landing.
The Beatles.
"The voice" results show.
That time Mr.
Lutz was an extra and he got so nervous he threw up.
No, don't remind him.
Oh, I had veal.
I had veal with cheese on it.
And what about Joey Montero's old variety show? He was just like you, Mr.
Jordan, because he didn't want to rehearse and he wanted to get out of there as soon as possible.
Ladies and gentlemen, Joey Montero.
que facciamo con questo my love is nowhere in sight que facciamo con questo I ask the moon every night We've got a great show for you tonight.
We got a great show.
At least that's what the Jews I pay tell me.
I tell you, I feel great.
I slept like a baby last night.
I woke up crying with a boob in my mouth.
Okay, that was the joke stuff.
All right, here comes a lady.
Hi, Joey, I'm Dusty Springfield.
Sure, let's go with that.
When I said I needed you I need you too, baby you said you would always stay I can see it inside your mouth.
It wasn't me who changed but you Oh, we are on a bounch.
And now you've gone away That's pretty.
You don't have to say you love me just be close at hand Where's the gang going tonight fellas? **** You're invited, too, stringbean but bring the coofee for the morning, if you know what I'm saying.
***** Well, hello there glasess.
Glamour.
Excitement.
What we today would call alcoholism.
Live television had everything.
Well, not everything.
Where were the black people? Oh.
Actually, Mr.
Spurlock, NBC had the first two black characters on TV.
Sort of.
For "Alfie and Abner," NBC hired one African-American and one Caucasian because they thought two black people on the same show would make the audience nervous.
A rule NBC still uses today.
Abner, I'm home from work.
Where are you, my brother? Here I is, Alfie.
Oh, hell no.
I am not doing this.
NBC received a lot of complaints That the show wasn't on often enough.
So they forced Theodore Freeman to honor his contract.
I's done stole this catfish.
Sir, I am asking you as a human being so please stop talking like that.
I's gonna eat it till I'm bellyful.
This is debasing to both of us.
I was a tuskegee airman.
Zip-a-Dee-goo-goo.
You may anger me, but I believe nonviolence is the path to change.
And I believes you can catch a rainbow in your hat.
I'll kill you, you ignorant believe it or not, they did not stop doing the show, which made for tense but thrilling live TV.
Banjo Kenneth.
I've frankly lost track of what you were trying to convince us of with these detailed descriptions of television shows.
Thank you.
Come on.
Times change.
Television replaced radio.
Cars replaced horses.
Not where I'm from.
Are you telling me the mayor of your hometown is a car? Pretty weird.
Why are you laughing at me? Okay.
Let's all take a little break.
Hello.
I'm Nazi doctor Leo Speceman.
I know it's live, I want people to know.
Did your mother smoke Chatterton cigarettes while pregnant during the 1950s or 60s? If she did, you probably can't hear me because of fetal Chatterton syndrome.
Turn up the volume! Recent study is it show that while pregnancy is disgusting, babies do not need tar or nicotine.
If you are currently suffering from Chatterton syndrome, please, use your Bird-like claws to dial the number below then use the rectum you have instead of a mouth to say something like "wrulgh" or "thunghth" to signify that you wish to join a class action suit against Chattertons.
If you have scales instead of skin pick up the phone suit the Chattertons.
All right.
This is idiotic.
We've got a show to do it and Oh, my God, Kenneth.
It's my period.
It's a-gonna blow.
We both know you're not due for another nine days.
And I'm ashamed of you, Ms.
Lemon.
Think of your hero, Rosemary Howard.
She wrote for the edgiest live variety show of all time, "The Gruber Brother and Nipsey.
" Hey, Nipsey, what do you get when you cross a chicken with a hippie? I don't know, Dickie.
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a hippie? I don't know, but LBJ likes them both fried.
Lay it on me.
Lay it on me.
Lay it on me.
Lay it on me.
Now, as you know, Nipsey I'm the first streaker.
Streaking's the new thing.
We touched penises.
We interrupt this program to bring you an NBC news special report.
From Rockefeller center, Chet Huntley and David Brinkley.
Good evening.
NBC news has learned that less than an hour ago there was an explosion aboard the Apollo 13 spacecraft.
- David? - Thank you, Chet.
Chet? Thank you, David.
We are awaiting further information.
David? Thank you, Chet.
Let's go to the manned space center in Houston and our reporter on the scene, Mr.
Jamie Garnett.
Jamie? Thank you, Chet and David.
I'm sorry, sweetheart, could you move out of the way of our camera? We need to talk to our new reporter Jamie Garnett.
Now, where is he? I'm Jamie Garnett, gentlemen.
I spoke earlier with NASA flight director Glynn Lunney Listen, doll, you're not making any sense.
You're probably hysterical from menstruation.
Go lie down and make sure you get plenty of iron.
Maybe eat a ham salad And I'm being told that commander James Lovell Honey, you have a dynamite shape, but you're going to have to shut up and let a man tell us what's happening.
Now, is your father or a policeman nearby? Look, where did you find that microphone, sugar mouth? Was it just lying there on the ground? Where is Jamie Garnett? This just in, male NBC news reporter Jamie Garnett is missing.
I'm right here you mother Classic live television.
And while they never found Jamie Garnett, that woman who stole his microphone went on to become a wife.
Has Paul not come back? He's not answering his phone.
What have I done? Calm down.
Paul's gone, but you're getting proposed to on the show tonight.
By me.
This is New York state bitch, anyone can marry anything now.
What? But Come on.
Everything you want, think what great TV this will be.
It's all you want.
No, it's not what I want.
Paul is everything I want.
He's the reason to get married, not TV.
Rick Santorum was right.
How could I have been so blind? Because you're a horrible person? Thank you.
Just portion control and lots of water.
All in favor of keeping "TGS" live? It's still not unanimous.
And it never will be.
This is a business, Kenneth, and if live TV went away, the only thing that would change would be NBC's profit margin.
That's not true, Jackie d.
Oh, come on, that wasn't that dramatic.
Live TV changed my life.
In 1986 my church dance crew performed on a regional telethon.
It was my big break.
Flashback.
This is for you, Jesus.
Ow, my coccyx! It's not funny.
Coccyx is the scientific term for your butt bone.
Why are you all laughing? I like it.
Coccyx.
Coccyx.
You know what this is? This is the garry-o-many core.
Oh, my God.
I remember that.
That was you? That's when I realized I was a ridiculous man.
Tracy, I was there.
As a lower-level GE employee, I was answering phones at that telethon.
When you took off your clothes, they cut to the phone banks.
Gasp.
I made a hilarious prank call to that telethon.
Did the man who answered the phone sound like he had the piercing blue eyes of an ice dragon? Yes.
Hello, I'd like to speak to General Electric.
Madam, I'm afraid you're confused.
I was a nurse in the war and I met him when he was just a colonel.
He's the father of my child.
General Electric is not a person.
Toby, come talk to your father.
Daddy, it's your son, Toby electric.
I can tell by your voice that you are a very ungainly teenage girl from southeastern Pennsylvania.
Ah-ha, ya burnt.
How you like me now? Young lady, no one no one jokes down General Electric.
And if I ever Do you mind? **** if I ever get my thick, manly hands on you, I will roast you alive in an oven I design myself, using two, no, three kinds of heat.
I'm Jack Donaghy, damn it.
Watching you get all red-faced on TV, that was the night I found my calling Sticking it to the man.
You know what? That night changed my life, too.
Don Geiss saw my loyalty/handsomeness and the next day he promoted me out of poisons and into microwaves.
Live TV made us all what we are today.
No need to take another vote.
"TGS" is meant to be live.
To make it more profitable, we'll just do more sponsor product placements you should do it with the upcoming Warner Brothers movie, "Rock of ages," based on the hit Broadway musical.
Rocking a theater near you June 15th.
Tom Cruise sings.
Or I'll just pay you all less.
Kenneth, let us out of here.
Paul didn't come.
I ruined everything.
Yeah, you blew it.
So I'll just jump out at some point and lez it up with you? Okay.
We're on in five, four, three, krang And now, "prince William and time travelling fart detectives".
Ha, take that the man! Prince, do you smell something fishy? Who's that dude? Zou bisou bisou zou bisou bisou zou bisou bisou Jenna Maroney, you're the woman I want to grow old with.
"Old" being an acronym for oxylaprodexatrin, a hallucinogenic plant extract that makes sex terrifying.
I want to spend the rest of my life making you happy.
That's why I'm asking you, on TV, to marry me.
Oh, Paul.
No, no, a million times no.
Not like this.
I don't want to get married for publicity.
I want to get married for you.
And so you don't testify against me in court.
I still don't know what's going on.
Classic live TV? I slipped.
I slipped and hit my head in the bathroom.
Who am I? You are my boyfriend.
We were just going to call some poeple I went to highschool with.
Thanks to Loren Michaels, Paul McCartney, John Hamm, Jimmy falon, Amy Pohler.
Diane Jackson, McCarthy Miller.
SNL crew, I love you, This happened again.
How did that happen? Watch "Parks and Rec" tonight directed by Amy Pohler.