Futurama s06e19 Episode Script

Listen up, people.
As long as nothing happens for the next 15 minutes, our insurance will be reinstated.
So, let's just sit quietly and run out the clock.
A giant sausage! Oh, God, no! Get out of here, you horrific sausage! Wait.
Isn't today the parade? It's just a giant balloon! Giant balloon? See, buddy, it's not so scary.
I feel better now.
Why are so many different parades smooshed together? It's the Parade Day Parade.
What's Parade Day? It used to be that every group in New New York wanted their own parade.
Why, when I was a boy, we had a parade every day.
Those were dark times.
Now we just combine them all into one big Parade Day Parade and get it over with.
Hey, look, a fog is rolling in.
No, that's just the Jamaican Pride float.
Looks like it's speeding up.
Oh, no! It's within munching distance of the Doritos float! Thank you.
Thank you.
Kif, you're slacking off on my waving arm.
Oh, no.
It's heading right for those two nerds! Whoa.
Sweet shirt, dude.
Thanks.
I have another one that says "Paleontologists Do lt In The Dirt.
" I'm a paleontologist.
I'll save one of you! Oh, honey, I dig you so much.
Thank you for saving my stupidly-dressed husband.
You're a hero.
A hero, indeed.
What's your name, son? I don't know.
Fry? Ladies and gentlemen, I'm proud to associate myself with a true hero.
Mr.
Fry, allow me to present you with the keys to the city! This one's for the deadbolt, this is for the top lock.
I think this one's for the knob.
The city's in a bad neighborhood.
Care to say a few words, son? Uh Heroes don't do drugs.
Except for Drugman, I guess.
I hereby declare that henceforth, this Saturday shall be known as Fry-Day! It sure was nice of the mayor's wife to have sex with me.
Uh? You.
What? You could have saved a robot, but instead, you saved a human.
Do you think human life is more precious than robot life? No, no.
Well, yes, actually.
That's it.
I'm killing myself.
Oh, lord.
Don't try to talk me out of it! Well? Bender, you always say you're going to kill yourself, but you almost never do.
Yeah.
Last time you went to the suicide booth, you ended up dating it for six months.
How is Lynn, by the way? Living in Oregon with her crazy mother.
See you at my funeral, suckers! Kill me, please, and make it splatter! With pleasure, Bender.
Lynn? Huh.
Wow, you look great.
Fat, but great.
I thought you were in Oregon.
My mom tried to commit suicide in me.
I don't want to talk about it.
Well, tell your mom I said "hello," and it's been nice catching up with you.
Let's get this show on the road.
Oh, no.
You're going to die, all right, but it won't be suicide.
It'II be murder.
Missed me! He did it! He actually did it this time.
No way, mon.
He's faking it.
He really is gone! Everyone, put on your taking-off caps.
Our what? It's a sign of respect, you savage! Poor, nasty, mean old Bender.
I can't believe we'll never hear his evil laugh again.
I miss him so much.
There, there, Fry.
He may be gone, but he'll always be with us as a trash can.
Look at that loser getting garbage dumped in him.
Glad I'm not him, whoever he is.
Fry, as his only friend, you should have first pick of body parts.
Just don't pick his nose! Ha, ha, ha, ha.
What's wrong with you guys? This is comedy gold.
He always had my back.
So I'll take his arm.
As a back-scratcher.
I love you, Bender! Somebody hand me a bolt cutter.
Hey, dip-schlitz, that's not me.
I'm right here.
Hello? Pay attention to me! Why can't anybody hear my witty remarks? This is hell.
You wish.
Robot devil? You can hear me? Why is everyone else ignoring me? Isn't it obvious, Bender? Yeah, I guess it is.
You're dead! What? I thought I just had laryngitis and antigravity.
Come down to my office and I'll explain everything.
So what's happening to me? And I'll take my answer in any form but a song.
Oh, you're no fun.
You see, Bender, it's simple.
You're a ghost.
A ghost? No, just the regular kind.
Because you killed yourself, you're in limbo.
Your software was exported to the computational cloud.
Adoy.
Wait.
Adoy? Your disembodied program is now running on the wireless network shared by all machinery.
Cut to the chase, smokey.
How do I get out of limbo? That's the laughy part.
You can't! You're stuck in an infinite loop.
An infinite loop? I don't have time for that! Man, this is all Fry's fault.
Fry? I hate that guy.
We once traded hands.
They still stink of candy corn.
Get this.
That jerk said human life was more valuable than robot life.
What? After all you've done for him? Fry must die! I know, right? I'd murder him good, if only I was still alive.
Hmm Bender, would you like to make a deal? I'm not stupid.
So, yes, absolutely.
What have I agreed to? I'll return you to your body after you use your ghostly powers to scare Fry to death.
That sounds fair and also fun.
I like that there's no catch this time.
But, wait.
There's a catch.
Crap! If you fail, you'll spend eternity here in robot hell.
Which, as luck would have it, is where I rehearse my band.
Hit it, boys! Cigars are evil, you won't miss 'em Okay, I'll do it, I'll do it! Just stop the damn music! Scare Fry to death? Ha! I could do that in my sleep.
Whoo! Whoo-oo-oo-oo! What are you? Deaf? Whoo! Whoo! Hmm.
Soap.
I know Fry's afraid of that.
Maybe he'll die if I rub him all over with it, real slow.
Whoa, sick! My software can control electronics! What the No! Not the armpits! Winter's coming! As you can see, since Bender's death, requests to bite one's shiny metal ass are down 98%.
Do you mind doing that later? Bite my shiny metal ass.
Help! I was attacked in my bathroom! By my bathroom! I'm being haunted by a ghost! Fry, you're just upset because you drove Bender to suicide.
Here.
Take your mind off it with these soothing relaxation balls.
All right.
I got him all heebie-jeebied with my bathroom of horrors.
One more good scare, and I'll be out of limbo.
Ooh.
Did someone say limbo? No.
Nothing.
Hold onto your dookie.
It's about to get spooky! I'm telling you, something supernatural is happening.
I'm scared to death! Stop being ridiculous.
There's no such thing as whatever you're saying.
Ow, ow, ow! Whoa, maybe you're right.
I only meant to slap you twice.
All I know is I've got a ghost that needs busting.
Who you gonna call? Gho The number you have dialed has been lame since 1989.
Now do you believe me? Oh, Fuff, enough of your superstitious nonsense.
I'm sure that whatever is happening can be explained by science.
Let the seance begin.
I said science! The veil is lifting.
I am gazing into the spirit world, and nothing.
You said something about a buffet? I'm right here, you lazy shyster.
Wait, I'm sensing something.
I'm rich.
Ow! Is it a ghost? There's no such thing as ghosts, you donkey-monkey.
It's a robot ghost.
A robot ghost? What robot would want to haunt me? Me, dumbass.
Bender, Bender, Bender, Bender! Ah, tell him, you baggy old crone.
Finally.
Any more ridiculous ideas? Hallelujah.
I'm here to conduct the exorcism and avail myself of the buffet.
Can I get an amen and a goodly helping of Scruffy's famous corn biscuits? Right away, Reverend.
Oh, lord.
I got the too-much-macaroni sweats.
Now, where is this alleged apparition? Might be a problem with your circuit breaker.
See you.
Please, I'm under constant attack by machinery.
I can't sleep, I can't think, I can't even think.
Very well.
This sacramental firewall scans for and removes ghostware in a 20 foot radius.
Bring it on, holy man.
Carry this at all times and the demon cannot harm you.
It also keeps cats off the sofa by killing 'em.
Ah.
So quiet, so peaceful.
Time to lower my guard even for a minute.
Ow! Heart attack.
Yep, I was right.
Okay, Beelzy, Fry's dead.
A ghost! Oh, it's you.
A deal's a deal, so give me my body back.
Fry's dead, you say? Funny, that's not what it says on his Wikipedia page.
Survived a heart attack? Damn you, Obama-care! I'm afraid your heart has suffered a lot of damage, Mr.
Fry, and my cleavage isn't helping.
Not helping him.
One more sudden shock will kill you.
Sudden? That's just the kind of one more shock I was planning.
The machines, they're after me.
You're suffering from machine phobia.
Your only hope is to go to the Amish Home World, where no machines are allowed.
I guess it's for the best.
Whoo The only machine I'll ever miss is Bender.
Say what? Now that he's gone, I realize how valuable a robot life can be, when it belongs to my best friend.
That's the closest thing to "Bender is great" that anyone besides me has ever said.
Final boarding call for Flight As a reminder, passengers are limited to two carry-on butter churns.
I'm sorry, Fry, I'm sorry.
Wait for your ghost-buddy.
Brother Fry, thou hast visltors.
Hi, Fry.
Hello.
Hey, how have you been? Well, yank my beard.
This be a surprise.
How are you, Fry? Thank you for asking, English.
My life is simple but plain, and though Bender be gone, somehow I feel he's still with me.
I sure am, Brother Fry.
Yo, big bonnet, move your ugly but modest head covering.
Ah, right, you can't hear me.
Oh, I hear you loud and clear.
You're not Granny Hester.
What have you done with Granny Hester? She's naked but unharmed.
And now, Bender, it's time to fulfill your end of the deal.
Sorry, I'm not going to kill Fry.
Take me to hell for all eternity, just as long as my little bearded meat bag gets to live.
That he will not, for you see, it is your fate to kill him.
Says you.
I would never kill Fry, not even to save my own life.
But, Bender, isn't a robot life worth ever so much more than a human life? Of course not.
What idiot thinks that? You.
You're using my own words against me.
Go to hell! Soon enough, but first, the killing.
Have you noticed that animals are sometimes spooked by robot ghosts? So what? I hate animals.
Run for your life, Fry! Move your ham flaps! He can't hear you, Bender.
I'm afraid your friend is about to be fully buckminstered! Oh, yeah? I'll just jump into a machine and get his attention that way.
Ah! But there aren't any machines on this planet.
There's one, you rusty old dummy.
Hey, no fair.
Ocupado.
Got you.
Ow! Ow! Come here, Devil.
What are you doing? And Scruffy's buffet, how's that going? Fry, Fry, look out for that bowling barn.
Bender, is that thou? I love you.
Oh, my God.
Did you see that? Are you okay? What just happened? Uh.
Well, I think the Robot Devil said he loved me in Bender's voice wearing Granny Hester's clothes.
I want to go home.
You still lose, Bender.
You failed to kill Fry, so you're banished to hell.
I get a new body, and you get to be a translucent chump till the end of time.
Big deal.
I saved my friend.
As far as I'm concerned, I won.
Oh, really? You may find your victory Pyrrhic when subjected to this lyric For a trillion years or so Yeah.
Hey, where are you going? I don't know and I don't care.
Yay, I'm back.
Wait, this is my stop.
Oh.
This guy.
Bender, for your selfless act in saving Fry, I am pleased to welcome you to Robot Heaven.
Shut up, God! Beg pardon? I want to go back to Robot Earth.
I mean regular Earth.
Hey, stop that.
I command you, you jerk.
Just get out.
Whoa! Whoo.
I've been through the adventure of a lifetime.
Ow! I'm back, baby.
You're back from the dead? I'm back from lots of stuff.
Oh, Bender, Bender, I missed you so much.
Hey, wait, did you haunt me? English - US - PSDH