Gilmore Girls s06e19 Episode Script
I Get a Sidekick Out of You
Mmm, very good.
Not too spicy.
I pack it very tightly.
It strangles the spice.
Well, it's perfect, and we're doing very good on time.
At 4:00, we move on to dumplings.
I'm going to open another window.
Boy, there's a lot of activity down here.
It's going very well.
Your aunt Joon is a wizard with the kimchi.
Well, is there anything I can do to help? No, go back upstairs.
Read the bible passages I've underlined.
Enough! Back to work! Back to work, all of you! And she will have children in the proper time! - You, upstairs.
- But, mama-- You come down, cooking stops.
Up.
But it's hot up there, mama, and you know what rises with the hot air? The smell of 10 pounds of kimchi.
I'm getting woozy.
Well, pull your sweater over your face.
Just get back upstairs.
Vera Wang calling.
Wow, you can almost see that smell.
- Is that the dress? - It is indeed.
Wonderful.
Lane, the dress.
Well, come on, let's see it.
Okay.
Hold that thought.
You couldn't have set it on fire? Dude, there's not enough lighter fluid in the world.
I hope you made a matching blindfold so Zach doesn't have to actually see me in it.
Now, come on.
You're gonna look beautiful.
You have a very pretty face, and you have hands and feet.
For some guys, the stuff in between is just annoying.
Mama, are you okay? Yes, fine.
What are you doing here? - I brought the dress.
- What dress? My wedding dress, mama.
Oh, yes.
I was just about to show it to you.
Right.
Go ahead.
Um, now, there were a couple of stains on it, just probably from age, so I had to make a few minor adjustments, but I think you'll see, all in all, that the integrity of the dress has remained intact.
Fine.
How much do I owe you? Uh, nothing.
Um, consider it a wedding gift.
Okay.
I have to go back to work.
I will see you and Luke at the wedding.
Yes, you will.
I mean, you'll see me.
Luke is out of town, but I'm gonna take pictures and make him feel really bad he missed it.
It's the thing we do.
Whatever.
Goodbye.
Did she see it? I held it up right in front of her face.
But she didn't yell.
It's got a waist, and she didn't yell.
Well, don't question it.
Take the dress upstairs and hide it till you're walking down the aisle.
And even then, walk fast.
- Thank you.
- Okay.
Lorelai, wait! Come back! What do you mean Luke's out of town?! Uh, well, I mean, Luke's left town.
He's gone far away from town.
Town's there, and Luke's over here.
He's not coming to the wedding with you? No.
You mean you're coming alone, unescorted? - Well, Rory will be there.
- No, she won't like it.
You can't come alone.
An unmarried woman of a certain age, unescorted, wearing the clothes you tend to wear-- people will think things, bad things-- Like what? Like you're a tramp and possibly for sale.
Wow, suddenly "Footloose" not seeming so silly.
What are we gonna do? Well, I guess first of all, we should agree on a price.
You have to find someone to bring you.
You have to find a man.
In one day? Are you kidding me? It took me this long to find Luke.
My daughter wants you at her wedding, fine.
But if you're to come, then you need to come with a man.
And Kirk does not count! Lorelai Gilmore-- disappointing mothers since 1968.
Phones are ringing, people.
Answer them.
Who knows, It could be someone calling with a story.
Wouldn't that be neat? Aah, I thought I told her to cut the second paragraph.
Stacy, I thought I told you, cut the second paragraph.
I forgot.
Good work, Stacy.
- A.
K.
, time? - 3:15.
Okay, everyone, just to remind you that I am leaving at 3:00, which is 15 minutes ago, so if anyone needs anything from me, too bad till Monday.
My pro-tenure piece.
Okay, thank you.
- And my anti-tenure piece.
- Paris, come on.
- Just hear me out.
- No.
When I first started writing, I believed passionately that tenure was a reward for excellent service and a way for a school to attract the very best teachers from all over the country.
Let's go with that.
But once I finished writing, I started thinking about the other side of the argument-- money and employment for the rest of your life, no matter what? Where is the incentive to keep the standards high? I mean, remember professor Leavers? He got tenured and lost all interest.
Just sat there, dowdy and sleepy.
It was like being taught by Jimmy Kimmel.
Anti-tenure-- stamp it, ship it.
I was thinking, maybe you could print both pieces.
- What? - Side-by-side, like a point/counterpoint.
You want me to print a point/counterpoint where both points are written by the same person? Bold, huh? You have five minutes to pick a side.
A.
K.
, time? Ooh, how very "all the president's men.
" Exciting.
Aha, just the girl we were looking for.
We have a wonderful idea.
- We are going to Costa Rica.
- What? We're gonna fly out tonight and meet the guys at the end of their river-rafting trip.
We thought we set up a fabulous camp, dress up like natives-- in grass skirts and coconut bras and meet the boys with food, fresh booze, and shaving cream.
What do you think? I think you should double-check your guidebooks, 'cause I don't think Costa Rican natives wear grass skirts and coconut bras.
Oh, who cares? There's only a small window of time where a girl can pull off a coconut bra.
Well, thanks for the invite, but I can't.
What? Why? Don't you want to see Logan after six days without a shower? Or styling gel? I have a wedding to go to, and I'm leaving in a minute to head home.
Logan will be very disappointed.
Well, I'll hide the soap and the kiehl's, and we can re-enact it when he gets back.
Hmm, I'm feeling a chill from the north.
Okay, well, if you change your mind, and please, change your mind, call my cell.
We leave at ten.
Have a safe flight.
Woodward, Bernstein.
Okay, and that's it.
Layout's done.
- A.
K? - 3:20.
I'm Audi.
Jill, approve Paris' piece when it's in.
I can't pick a side.
Either way I look at it, I'm right.
I'll see you Monday, Paris.
You know, I hear the weather's supposed to be beautiful tomorrow.
How big a wedding do you think it will be? I don't know.
I hope it's a big wedding.
I love big weddings.
What time are you picking me up tomorrow? - Noon.
- Oh, noon is fine.
That will give me plenty of time to get ready.
You know, I hope you don't stay out too late tonight.
You'll be tired for tomorrow.
I will not be tired.
I wouldn't drink too much, either-- you'll be puffy.
Okay, I'll keep it to half a box of wine, max.
I'm just saying, tomorrow is a very special day.
You need to be perfect.
Okay, I'm not getting married, Michel.
I know that, but you are going to be with me, and I'm going to look fantastic, and you know that who you are with is always a reflection of yourself, and I don't want my reflection to look like Judy Garland, the Mark Herron years.
Michel, stop.
Now, I'm going to be wearing my blue pinstripes, so if you wear something in an ice blue or-- Oh, yes, silver, that would look amazing.
No one would take their eyes off of us.
And how delighted the bride will be.
Now let's discuss dancing.
As you know, I'm a fabulous dancer-- Deney Terrio level-- and I intend to dance a lot.
It's what I do at parties to compensate for the elevated calorie intake.
I just shake it all off.
Well, I promise to duck.
I don't understand your attitude.
After all, these are your friends.
I don't even know them.
- Lorelai! - Yeah? Lorelai! Help! Lorelai Oh, my God.
Problem.
- Something went very, very wrong.
- Wrong with what? Remember the dirty cookies I was baking for the bachelorette gift baskets? Well, they expanded in the oven.
Expanded? What do you mean? - Oh, dear! - I know.
Hello, Tommy Lee.
I don't know what happened.
Too much yeast.
Well, I cannot put those in the bags with the shiny tiaras and the bubble wands.
I know, I know.
I know.
I'll go try and figure something out.
Okay.
- Hello? - Hey, Lor, you got a minute? You see? This is what you're up against.
Yes, I have a minute.
I just got Rory one of those sidekicks.
Actually, I got it a couple of days ago, so she already has it.
And then I realized it's one of those things I should have run past you.
So I'm running it past you now.
Is that okay? 'Cause if it's not, I can take it back.
I'll just say I read something in consumer reports about radiation levels.
Chris, honey, we're way past the point where you have to get my permission to buy your own daughter a gift.
We are? Yes.
Didn't you get the memo? Well, you know what a mess my desk is.
I think it's nice that you bought Rory a gift.
Good.
- So, how are you? - I'm great.
Yeah? How's G.
G? She's-- well, hold on a sec.
- You hear that? - No.
- Exactly.
- Oh, come on.
It's naptime.
Not until 4:00, my friend.
Then she's holding her breath until you buy her a Porsche.
She is in her room playing with her toys, shining her halo as we speak.
Well, well, well, look who's cracking the whip.
I got to tell you, that "no" word is pretty awesome.
I can't wait to try out the "you're grounded.
" So Anyway - Lane, I'm here, and I-- - Move! - Lane, hi, I-- - Coming through! Am I here early? Sorry.
Hi, glad you're here.
What's going on? And where's all your stuff? My grandma's coming.
Jeez, how big is she? She hasn't been out of Korea in 45 years because she refuses to travel, so we figured there's no way she'd come, but she called today, and she's coming.
So, that's nice, right? - Help me! - Coming! Whoa, big Buddha! - Save the commentary.
Grab the feet.
- Okay.
Be careful.
Don't let it drop.
What happens if it drops? It breaks.
Oh, you ask a stupid question Down, here.
I'll have the boys next door bring the other one in.
Did you get the crucifixes out of the kitchen? - No.
- Go, both of you! Go! Go! Going! And don't forget the Christ's-feet tea towel! Okay, seriously, you have got to fill me in, or I got to call my life line.
What is with the Buddha? Apparently my grandmother's a Buddhist.
Go hide these in your room.
- Closet? - Uh, floorboards! I don't understand.
So your grandma's Buddhist.
Why are we-- - Oh, my God.
She doesn't know.
- No.
Your mother's mother does not know she's a seventh-day Adventist.
And it would be a very big deal if she found out.
That is so weird.
Tell me about it.
I just discovered today that I am simply the latest link in a chain of Kim women who hide their real lives under floorboards away from their mothers.
- Lane, she's here! - I want all boys! Praise Buddha! - That's your mom's mom? - Yep.
I see the resemblance.
What was that all about? Three complaints, two insults, and a hefty dose of religious guilt.
What are they doing now? Their ritual of 108 bows.
Should be called 108 "ows.
" Oh, my mother would have liked that one.
It's kind of hypnotizing if you stare at it long enough.
Oh, shoot, we have to go.
Uh, mama? Mama, we have to go-- the bachelorette party.
We're meeting the others at Doose's.
Okay, so, I'll see you later.
Bye.
Ladies, ladies, please, I need your attention.
This is a very serious subject here.
Now, I need to do a quick check to make sure we have got all of our supplies.
Rory, read off the list.
- Beer.
- Check.
- More beer.
- Check.
- Pretzels, and beer.
- Check.
Various chocolately treats, alternative alcohol for those who don't like beer, and beer.
Check.
List complete, sarge.
Excellent.
Now we are about to commence the first leg of our evening.
Our dear friend Lane is about to get married, and it is our job to make sure we give her one night and one headache she will never forget.
Hear, hear! And our first stop is the black, white, and read bookstore, where we will sneak in our booze, our treats, and proceed to get drunk and watch tonight's feature, "American Gigolo.
" Featuring a little full-frontal from Mr.
Gere himself.
All right, let's go to the movies! Wait for me! Sorry I'm late.
I had to wait for the two Mrs.
Kims to sleep before I can climb down tree to meet you.
Luckily all that bowing makes them sleep like dogs.
It's okay, Kyon.
We were just leaving.
Oh good.
I had to get out of house.
Stinks of kimchi and incense.
You can't breathe.
There's Buddhas everywhere staring at you.
What? When did you start double dressing and-- Avril Lavigne?! Avril Lavigne rocks.
You are such a snob.
If it's not Joy Division, you no like it.
Well, you can't dance to Joy Division.
You're crazy! My whole family's crazy.
Well, welcome to the club.
We'll get sweatshirts.
Hmm, secret admirer? It's dad.
He gave me this thing as a gift, you know.
However, he also got himself one, and since then, he has been texting me every five minutes.
It's insane.
You should have told him no when he ran this past you.
It's nice you have a real daddy/daughter thing going on here.
Oh, yeah, he's shopping for celery at the supermarket.
They're running a special.
He's just excited.
Yeah, well, now he's in the canned-peas aisle.
Apparently he doesn't like peas, but he does like pea soup.
Interesting, no? No! All right, give me that.
Um, okay.
"Your daughter is about to see Richard Gere's penis.
Enjoy your celery.
" That should shut him up for a while.
That's got to be some sort of record.
I don't understand.
I checked the time of the movie twice.
Well, the paper probably printed it wrong again.
We could've just gone in.
No, too risky.
No way to know if we'd missed the money shot.
"American Gigolo" without the "gigo-down-low" is pointless.
So, what should we do now? Uh, well, we could kill some time till the next showing.
Sure.
That's only 45 minutes.
So, where should we go? We could get some coffee.
"Partay.
" Well, maybe we could play a game.
I do that with the kids and time flies I don't really think peek-a-boo's gonna fly, Sookie.
Well, we could make it more adult, you know? Peek-a-boo, take a shot.
That could be fun.
- Hey! - Hey! Didn't expect to see you guys here.
We were gonna see "American Gigolo," but we missed it.
I swear, I checked the time twice.
We believe you, Sookie.
What are you guys doing here? We just came from Dell's bar.
It closed early 'cause it's Dell's wedding anniversary.
Dell's is closed? Shoot.
We were gonna go there after the movie.
Well, we could go to the Chimney Sweep.
- No, it burnt down last week.
- Kind of ironic.
We could drive over to Beacon falls, anything open there? No.
We could go to my aunt's house.
She's got a rec room with a record player.
No way.
That's completely lame.
Which one's "American Gigolo"? Is that the one where you see Richard Gere's Johnson? 'Cause that seems a little weird for a bachelor party.
- No, we are not doing this.
- Doing what? We are supposed to be getting wild at separate bachelor and bachelorette parties! We cannot be bumping into each other all night long.
Lady's right.
Come on, men.
Let's go find something wild to do.
Yeah! You guys, we are looking pathetic now, all right? We are young, temporarily single girls on the prowl.
There's plenty to do tonight that we can be mortified about.
Well, the t-shirts and tiaras are a start.
Exactly.
All right, ladies, come on.
Let's go find us some fun.
Yeah! Five more seconds.
That's it.
Anyone? - Nope.
- Nope.
Let's do it.
Hi.
Are you Brian's aunt? Oh, you must be Lane.
The boys are downstairs in the rec room.
Sounds like they have foosball.
Foosball's fun.
Bachelorettes in the house! Hey, boys! Hey, look, there's a moose head.
Dad's feet are two different sizes.
Oh, for the love of-- hey, which one says, "hi, I'm not a whore.
Enjoy your day"? - The pink one.
- Thanks.
Do not talk.
We're going to be late.
I talk fast.
It's my gift.
- Hello? - I just got tickets to Céline Dion.
- What? - My friend Tessa just called and told me she has front-row tickets to Céline Dion, and I'm going with her.
Well, that's great.
I have been waiting forever to get this close to Céline.
Oh, my god, I'm shaking like a leaf.
What should I wear? What would Céline like me in? I don't know, Michel, but I'm on my way to pick you up, so Oh, no.
Don't bother.
I'm not going to the wedding.
What? Why not? Because I'm going to Céline Dion-- hello! What have I been saying to you? No, Michel, you have to go to the wedding.
Sorry, I cannot.
Well, you've already seen Céline Dion.
Only five times, and never in the front row.
I was in the balcony with the riffraff and the people who sneak in pot.
Michel, you have to go.
I need an escort.
Find someone there-- that's why single women go to weddings.
I am not single.
I'm engaged.
Lorelai, I'm sorry.
In the future, I owe you some kind of a favor, but tonight you're on your own.
- Michel-- - I must go.
I'll bring you a mouse pad.
Bye-bye.
Michel is going to the Céline Dion concert.
- Bummer.
- What am I supposed to do now? Mrs.
Kim made it very clear not to show up without a guy.
This is ridiculous.
Even when I have a man, I'm still the girl who doesn't have a man.
This sucks! I've known Lane since she was a little kid.
She's spent more time at our house than at her own, and now I'm gonna miss her wedding? Fracking Céline Dion! You want me to see if dad can go with you? What? I've got him right here.
He's turning left on main, and he found a buffalo-head nickel in his glove compartment.
No, I don't know.
It's Saturday.
I'm sure he's busy.
He just left the hardware store, and now he's parked on the side of the road trying to decide how many tacos he wants.
I vote three, 'cause two just never seems enough.
Okay, fine, so he's not busy, but the wedding is starting in 45 minutes.
He can be here in 20.
Seriously? Wow-- four tacos.
Quite a man, my father.
So, what do you think? Should I pull the trigger? Tell him to bring me a taco.
Will do.
- T.
P.
T.
D.
I-- - What does that mean? "Totally Psyched To Do It.
" He's making up his own acronyms? Yeah, and he just learned how to make the happy face.
Sorry, kid, what can I say? He was really hot in high school.
- Hey.
- Hi! Sorry I'm late.
Forget it.
I can't believe you're doing this.
My pleasure.
You look great.
Do I look okay? This is the jacket I had with me in the car.
- Yeah, you look fine.
- Hey, check it out-- buffalo-head nickel.
- Oh, great.
Let's go.
- Go where? Uh, excuse me.
Hi, Mrs.
Kim.
I'd like you to meet Christopher Hyden.
He's Rory's father and a man.
Did that really need clarification? She instructed me to bring a man today.
I just wanted to show her that I can take direction well.
You never know who knows Spielberg.
Why did you have to bring a man? Because an unmarried woman, alone, of a certain age, dressed the way I dress apparently is Korean for Jenna Jameson.
Where's Luke? Out of town with his kid.
Oh, well, then, lucky me.
I always wanted to meet Jenna Jameson.
There they are.
Yes, all nice and proper.
Hey.
This is very impressive.
It's a Buddhist wedding.
Is the Dalai Lama coming? Yes, he's having the chicken.
Oh, it must be starting.
You guys should stand over there.
- Okay, we wait for you.
- Did you not get it? "He's having the chicken.
" Dalai Lama's a vegetarian.
So he's not having the chicken.
Sorry, should I have texted it to you instead? The universal sounds of family.
Go! What the hell is happening?! Are there bulls coming out of there? We would've heard the china breaking.
- My God! - Why aren't you running? Why should we be running? - To get to the church.
- For what? - For the wedding.
- I thought this was the wedding.
This was the grandmother's wedding.
Now we do the mother's wedding.
Why do we have to run? Because there's 58 seats and 62 Koreans.
Oh, boy! Go! Don't slow down! - My shoes are slippery! - Suck it up! Hey! Hi, Christopher! Chris, you remember Sookie and Jackson? - Yeah, nice to see you again.
- You too.
- Nice day for a wedding.
- Beautiful.
Perfect weather.
- Why are we running? - 58 seats, 62 Koreans.
- Fight for me, baby! - I'm on it! What do you see? Do you see anything open? We'll take two and two! Two and two is fine.
- We can find four together.
- I don't think we can.
I see something.
Patty, Patty! Oh, hi, honey.
What a pretty dress.
Oh, the things you can pull off with that body.
These all taken? Oh, no, I just thought I'd save some in case.
Here, come sit.
It's a mad house in here.
How did you get all these seats together? Honey, I've been here all night.
You're kidding.
Why? Carrot sticks? God, look at me.
I look like a bride.
You are a bride.
I feel so weird.
I want a picture.
Of me feeling weird? No, of me standing next to you while you're feeling weird.
Everything all right? Uh, yeah, Mrs.
Kim.
Everything's fine.
Hmm.
The dress looks different.
Really? Does it? Everything looks different through the eyes of a bride.
Rory, can you excuse us a moment? Sure.
I'll be right outside.
Mama, is something wrong? 'Cause the dress-- Forget the dress.
Sit down, please.
Uh Lane, I have something very upsetting to talk to you about.
Oh, what? It concerns the wedding night.
Oh, boy.
Yes, "oh, boy.
" Marriage is a job, Lane.
There are rewards that come with this job, but there are also sacrifices.
There are things you're going to have to do.
- Things.
- Terrible things.
- Mama, you don't have to-- - You need to hear this.
You need to know what to expect.
It will start early.
- What will? - The man's expectations.
It starts early-- at the wedding, actually.
At the wedding, you're going to have to kiss him.
Mama-- You will then be expected to share a bed tonight, and when you're in that bed, - you're expected to-- - Mama, please.
You're going to have to do it with this boy, Lane.
You're just going to have to do it.
Hopefully, if you're lucky like me, you'll only have to do it once.
You know, I remember the day I met Lane.
It was Rory's first day of kindergarten, and she insisted on wearing my "Chico and the Man" t-shirt, which I thought would either elicit confused shrugs or label her as a weird '70s-sitcom kid.
And we walked in the classroom, and Lane came running up to her and offered to share her crayons with her.
And I was so grateful, 'cause I thought even if Lane turned out to be a psycho, bad-seed, serial-killer kid, at least Rory had a friend.
Who knew it would turn out to be a lifelong friendship? Well, there're young.
There's plenty of time for them to have a stupid fight to screw it up.
This is the first one of Rory's friends to get married.
Yeah.
You know, Rory could be next.
Yeah.
That's just the way I like them-- short and in a language I can't understand.
I thought it was beautiful.
What an elegant dress.
Oh, yeah, the dress did look nice, didn't it? I'm gonna go call the babysitter.
I'll go with you.
We have this new babysitter.
She's 17, sweet as can be, perfect student, references up the wazoo.
She seems absolutely perfect in every way.
Well, she's probably a crackhead.
Thank you.
I'm calling right now.
I'll go with you.
- Let's go find the bar.
- Right behind you.
It was awesome, man.
Just flowed right down to the ground.
Majorly comfortable.
There's a reason Buddhists are so peaceful.
You have to see it.
I'm just happy to have another married guy around.
Hey, just 'cause I'm married now doesn't mean we're gonna have any Dr.
Phil moments.
Just wait, my friend-- wait till the first time you don't bring home the dry cleaning.
Dude, this is my day.
Can we not talk about dry cleaning? - Absolutely.
- Thank you.
So this robe, it must be made of silk, 'cause it is so soft.
Silk, huh? Bet it's hand-wash only.
That definitely was not the bar.
Maybe it's over there.
No, that's the gift table.
Did we try behind the church? Twice.
There has to be a bar.
We called Darla, if that is her real name, and apparently, everything's fine.
- Hey, where's the bar? - We just wonder that ourselves.
There you guys are.
I was very proud of the lack of heckling coming from your section.
Yeah, yeah, we're real good.
Now, where's the bar? Shh! Don't say that so loud.
What, no, no way.
No bar? Are you kidding? - Mom.
- What, they don't have to drink it.
Well, if we can't drink, might as well go get something to eat.
That food is not for you.
What? Hold on-- is this the "not married" thing again? Did you tell them I'm engaged? Engaged has got to be worth a sparerib.
What the hell are they doing? Well, there's something you don't see every day.
Wow, we just made it.
Ah, yes.
They really cleaned us out.
Let's see the bag.
Nice hog.
I can't believe your friends gave me all this money.
They're good people.
They know you're a good girl.
Lester chin probably stiffed you.
That's okay.
I can take those checks home, put them in the safe for you.
Sure, that'd be great.
- It was a very nice ceremony-- - It was.
- The second one.
- I know.
Thank you for doing two ceremonies.
It was very important to your grandmother.
It was fun.
It made my wedding seem a little more special.
Well, it's good you see it that way.
Well, all my guests are gone.
I'm going home.
Are you sure? Yes, I'm very tired.
I'm going to go home and go straight to bed.
Okay.
I'm going to wear earplugs tonight-- the good ones that expand in your ears-- so I won't be able to hear anything that might be going on out in the street at all hours of the night.
Thank you, mama, for everything.
And look at it this way.
You're not losing a daughter.
You're gaining a son who likes to wear a dress.
He had better make you happy.
He will.
Don't let him take pictures in that thing.
We're on, boys! Excuse me, where do you want it, sir? Close, dude-- really, really close.
Roger, Wilco.
Drop it and stack it, boys.
Excuse me.
Hold on a second.
There's something wrong with your dress here.
Here, let me just-- got it.
Yes! My wife's got legs! So, let's get this party started! Two Manhattans, extra cherries.
Excuse me, Rory.
Yeah, Kirk? I have to ask you something.
Do you think he's yummy enough? - Who? - Troy.
The bartender? Yes.
See, I put this company together for the sole purpose of bringing truly yummy bartenders to the lonely women of Stars Hollow, but they really have to be yummy.
I'm talking mouth-watering, tasty morsels of manhood-- which, by the way, was the original name of the business, but it was already taken by a firm in Woodbridge.
- Really? - Yeah.
Now, when I first met Troy, I thought he was the epitome of yummy, you know? But now I see him in the moonlight, I'm not so sure.
Oh, I wouldn't worry about it, Kirk.
I think Troy's plenty yummy.
- You do? - Yeah, I really do.
Can I go now? Yes, thank you.
Enjoy your evening.
Yes, hi.
Is Sookie or Jackson there? No.
All right.
Well, just tell them Lorelai called.
Thank you.
Well? She didn't sound drunk at all.
But she sounded like there was a guy there, right? No.
What about a pimp? Did you hear a pimp? Yes, I heard a pimp, but he sounded like he had a heart of gold.
I don't understand.
She's too perfect.
- Who's too perfect? - You are.
Ooh, extra cherries.
Cheers.
Cheers.
Rory, your father has something he wants to tell you.
Yes, I just want to apologize for my sidekick stalking.
I realize now that I have a problem.
Which is the first step to recovery.
The second step is that he's now given the sidekick to me.
- No.
- Yes! That's worse.
"Hi, Rory.
What are you doing? What do you wearing? What are you thinking? What about now? Do you miss me? Do you think I'm pretty? Where do babies come from?" Thanks a lot, mister.
- Hi.
- Hi! Hello, there.
Kudos on the hot dogs, by the way.
Zach's idea.
Lane came up with the fries, though.
You're so perfect together.
You having fun? Yes, a little too much fun.
We actually thought we should make the rounds before we're too toasted to remember who you are.
Who are you? Zach, this is my dad, Christopher.
This is Zach.
Congratulations, man.
Nice weddings.
Thanks, dude.
Hey, I want to take a picture of everyone with Lane and Zach.
Oh, God, I hate the paparazzi.
Come on! Get in the picture.
Say "cheese.
" - Cheese! - Cheese! Thank you.
Okay.
We should go.
We have six more tables to hit.
If we forget to say it later, we are really glad you came.
- Later.
- Bye.
I'm out.
Let me see the picture.
No, you'll delete it.
Not if it's good.
You erase every picture I take of you.
No, only the ones where I look like Rhoda.
- You never look like Rhoda.
- Occasionally, I look like Rhoda.
Fine, here.
Wow, you have a lot of pictures.
I like proof, okay? - Wait, go back.
- What? Flip back.
Who's that? That's me with April.
When did you meet April? Um, when I went to Philadelphia for Jess' open house.
Jess? Philadelphia? What am I missing here? Nothing.
Jess' work had an open house, I was invited, and I went, and Luke showed up there with April.
It was a total fluke.
God, I didn't know you were seeing Jess.
Well, I'm not seeing him.
We're just friends.
Does Logan know you went to see Jess? No, Logan was in Costa Rica.
I swear, nothing happened there.
Okay.
Met April, took a picture together like you're pals.
I swear, mom, it was a crazy coincidence.
I'm sorry I didn't tell you.
I just I felt so weird about it.
Oh, sure, I get it.
Look, it's not like Luke was trying to introduce her to me.
I walked in, they were there.
Yeah, right.
Okay, fluke.
Are you okay? I'm fine.
I'm gonna get another drink.
Do you want anything? Okay, I'll be right back.
What's up, Stars Hollow? Who likes my robe? Thanks.
I'm liking it myself.
Okay, tonight is not only the night I married the coolest girl on the planet.
It is also the world premiere of the newly reunited Hep Alien.
It feels great to be back.
# I thought love was only true in fairy tales # # Meant for someone else but not for me # # Love was out to get me # # That's the way it seemed # # Disappointment haunted all of my dreams # # And then I saw her face # # Now I'm a believer # # Not a trace # # Of doubt in my mind # # I'm in love, ooh # # I'm a believer, I couldn't leave her if I tried # Kirk, I swear, nothing happened! I know what I saw! He put fruit in your drink-- lots of fruit! I asked him for the fruit.
I was hungry.
Attention, partygoers and revelers, as I have just recently fired all of the yummy bartenders, from now on, the bar is serve-yourself.
- Kirk! - Too yummy! Way too yummy! Kirk, this is crazy! Why are you acting like this? Boy, I tell you, if you have to get married, this is the way to do it.
"Have to get married"? Oh, my, so cynical and jaded.
Well, we can't all be cool like Zach.
I think they're really happy.
Good.
That's the way it's supposed to be.
I'm glad I came to this thing tonight.
Me too.
So, where's Logan? Oh, uh, he's in Costa Rica.
Costa Rica? Work, play? Play, always play.
Really? What's he doing? Oh, he's gonna jump off something and raft down somewhere, climb up a thing, swing around on a vine, stuff like that.
Listen, I want you to know that I like him.
I like him, and I like you, and I like you and him together.
Well, good.
I just want you to know that I approve.
Dad, it's not like we're getting married.
But if that changes, I just want you to know - That you approve.
- Yes.
You know, it's been a while since I partied like this.
I used to be much better at that.
Well, maybe Logan can give you some tips when he gets back.
Hi.
I'm Brian Fuller, bass player for Hep Alien and best man.
All right, I want to say a few words about Zach.
I've known Zach for most of my life.
I've been his roommate and friend, and I just have to say, I think Lane has something very, very wrong with her.
Time for the toast.
Excuse me a minute.
Absolutely.
We are doing shots.
- For 20, apparently.
- Pass the salt.
Uh, you know, I'm a respectable man, Lorelai, an upstanding citizen-- I'm a father.
I know.
This is how you became one.
Well, you got me there.
In closing, Lane, if you ever want to see a picture of Zach trying to shove 14 ping-pong balls in his mouth, I have it.
To Lane and Zach, may they stay together forever otherwise, Hep Alien is screwed.
- To Lane and Zach! - To Lane and Zach! - To Lane and Zach! - To Lane and Zach! - Great toast, Bri.
- Yes, excellent.
Seriously, dude, I need those pictures back.
Hi, everyone, I'm Rory Gilmore.
I'm the maid of honor.
- To Rory! - To Rory! I'm not one for speeches, and I don't have any incriminating pictures of Lane to share, but I do have this letter.
This letter was written in It was slipped into my hands during a spelling test in Miss Mellon's class.
I was so shocked by its contents that I missed the word automobile-- o-t-t-o-mobile.
That's right, Lane.
I remember.
I will now share with you the contents of this letter.
"Dear Rory, how was your lunch? Mine was bad.
Did you have ham again? If you did, I am sorry, but mine was worse.
I thought you should know that today at recess I decided that I'm going to marry Alex Backus.
He has a very nice head, and his ears don't stick out like Ronnione Winston's do.
I will love him forever, no matter what.
See you at brownies.
Love, Lane.
" I just thought that Zach should know that in your heart, he will always be second place to Alex Backus and his well-proportioned ears.
It's true.
Come on, you're behind.
Oh, I'm gonna sit this one out.
Well, that's fun.
But the bottom line is, I love you, Lane.
Congratulations.
- To the bride and groom.
- To the bride and groom! Bride and groom! Where you going? I want to give a toast.
Congratulations.
Hello.
Everybody, hello.
Some of you know me as Lorelai Gilmore, and some of you know me as Cher.
But either way, I wanted to say a few words about our girl.
I have known Lane forever, and I'm just so incredibly happy that she has gotten married.
I mean, I am just so happy that this adorable 22-year-old girl has gotten married, because it's amazing, you know? It's really hard to get married.
Believe me, I should know.
I mean, seriously, because Lane is married, and next thing, it'll be my daughter, and then my granddaughter, but not me.
I'm not getting married.
No, it ain't for me.
It's not in the cards.
But, hey, do you know what date I'm not getting married? June 3rd.
Do not save the date.
Do you hear me? Do whatever you want on June 3rd, because there's nothing at all happening on that day.
If there's anything you need to book or anything, it's totally safe to book it on June 3rd.
So, congratulations, Lane and Zach.
Who else here had eight shots of tequila? Anybody? Hands no? Oh, my gosh, who misses the yummy bartenders? I know, me too.
They were so great.
I was gonna ask them to not work on June 3rd on my not wedding.
I just thought that would be so fun.
Hi, Chris.
Hi, Rory.
Hi.
How about some coffee? What? Okay.
Well, I guess we're going over here.
Totally perfect wedding.
Get her over to the couch.
Man, I must say, when your mom does something, she commits.
Just prop her up.
I'm gonna make some coffee.
Hon, if the two gallons we poured down her throat at the wedding didn't do anything, I'm not sure what two more cups will.
Hey, no one knows how to wrangle the powers of coffee like a Gilmore.
Just prop her up.
She hates to get pillow face.
Pillow face.
Got it.
Hello? Logan's hurt.
What? What do you mean? Is he all right? I don't know.
That was Colin.
And the line was bad.
Something happened on their trip.
They're airlifting him to a hospital in New York.
Oh, boy.
I got to go.
I want to be there when he arrives.
Yes, go.
I can take care of your mom.
Leave her a note that I'll call her from the hospital.
- I will.
Go.
- I'm going.
All right, Calamity Jane, let's get you to bed.
No.
Yes.
Hello? Hey.
What time is it? Yeah.
I, uh um No, Luke, it's fine.
I'm glad you called.
Yep, the wedding was great.
She looked beautiful.
Not too spicy.
I pack it very tightly.
It strangles the spice.
Well, it's perfect, and we're doing very good on time.
At 4:00, we move on to dumplings.
I'm going to open another window.
Boy, there's a lot of activity down here.
It's going very well.
Your aunt Joon is a wizard with the kimchi.
Well, is there anything I can do to help? No, go back upstairs.
Read the bible passages I've underlined.
Enough! Back to work! Back to work, all of you! And she will have children in the proper time! - You, upstairs.
- But, mama-- You come down, cooking stops.
Up.
But it's hot up there, mama, and you know what rises with the hot air? The smell of 10 pounds of kimchi.
I'm getting woozy.
Well, pull your sweater over your face.
Just get back upstairs.
Vera Wang calling.
Wow, you can almost see that smell.
- Is that the dress? - It is indeed.
Wonderful.
Lane, the dress.
Well, come on, let's see it.
Okay.
Hold that thought.
You couldn't have set it on fire? Dude, there's not enough lighter fluid in the world.
I hope you made a matching blindfold so Zach doesn't have to actually see me in it.
Now, come on.
You're gonna look beautiful.
You have a very pretty face, and you have hands and feet.
For some guys, the stuff in between is just annoying.
Mama, are you okay? Yes, fine.
What are you doing here? - I brought the dress.
- What dress? My wedding dress, mama.
Oh, yes.
I was just about to show it to you.
Right.
Go ahead.
Um, now, there were a couple of stains on it, just probably from age, so I had to make a few minor adjustments, but I think you'll see, all in all, that the integrity of the dress has remained intact.
Fine.
How much do I owe you? Uh, nothing.
Um, consider it a wedding gift.
Okay.
I have to go back to work.
I will see you and Luke at the wedding.
Yes, you will.
I mean, you'll see me.
Luke is out of town, but I'm gonna take pictures and make him feel really bad he missed it.
It's the thing we do.
Whatever.
Goodbye.
Did she see it? I held it up right in front of her face.
But she didn't yell.
It's got a waist, and she didn't yell.
Well, don't question it.
Take the dress upstairs and hide it till you're walking down the aisle.
And even then, walk fast.
- Thank you.
- Okay.
Lorelai, wait! Come back! What do you mean Luke's out of town?! Uh, well, I mean, Luke's left town.
He's gone far away from town.
Town's there, and Luke's over here.
He's not coming to the wedding with you? No.
You mean you're coming alone, unescorted? - Well, Rory will be there.
- No, she won't like it.
You can't come alone.
An unmarried woman of a certain age, unescorted, wearing the clothes you tend to wear-- people will think things, bad things-- Like what? Like you're a tramp and possibly for sale.
Wow, suddenly "Footloose" not seeming so silly.
What are we gonna do? Well, I guess first of all, we should agree on a price.
You have to find someone to bring you.
You have to find a man.
In one day? Are you kidding me? It took me this long to find Luke.
My daughter wants you at her wedding, fine.
But if you're to come, then you need to come with a man.
And Kirk does not count! Lorelai Gilmore-- disappointing mothers since 1968.
Phones are ringing, people.
Answer them.
Who knows, It could be someone calling with a story.
Wouldn't that be neat? Aah, I thought I told her to cut the second paragraph.
Stacy, I thought I told you, cut the second paragraph.
I forgot.
Good work, Stacy.
- A.
K.
, time? - 3:15.
Okay, everyone, just to remind you that I am leaving at 3:00, which is 15 minutes ago, so if anyone needs anything from me, too bad till Monday.
My pro-tenure piece.
Okay, thank you.
- And my anti-tenure piece.
- Paris, come on.
- Just hear me out.
- No.
When I first started writing, I believed passionately that tenure was a reward for excellent service and a way for a school to attract the very best teachers from all over the country.
Let's go with that.
But once I finished writing, I started thinking about the other side of the argument-- money and employment for the rest of your life, no matter what? Where is the incentive to keep the standards high? I mean, remember professor Leavers? He got tenured and lost all interest.
Just sat there, dowdy and sleepy.
It was like being taught by Jimmy Kimmel.
Anti-tenure-- stamp it, ship it.
I was thinking, maybe you could print both pieces.
- What? - Side-by-side, like a point/counterpoint.
You want me to print a point/counterpoint where both points are written by the same person? Bold, huh? You have five minutes to pick a side.
A.
K.
, time? Ooh, how very "all the president's men.
" Exciting.
Aha, just the girl we were looking for.
We have a wonderful idea.
- We are going to Costa Rica.
- What? We're gonna fly out tonight and meet the guys at the end of their river-rafting trip.
We thought we set up a fabulous camp, dress up like natives-- in grass skirts and coconut bras and meet the boys with food, fresh booze, and shaving cream.
What do you think? I think you should double-check your guidebooks, 'cause I don't think Costa Rican natives wear grass skirts and coconut bras.
Oh, who cares? There's only a small window of time where a girl can pull off a coconut bra.
Well, thanks for the invite, but I can't.
What? Why? Don't you want to see Logan after six days without a shower? Or styling gel? I have a wedding to go to, and I'm leaving in a minute to head home.
Logan will be very disappointed.
Well, I'll hide the soap and the kiehl's, and we can re-enact it when he gets back.
Hmm, I'm feeling a chill from the north.
Okay, well, if you change your mind, and please, change your mind, call my cell.
We leave at ten.
Have a safe flight.
Woodward, Bernstein.
Okay, and that's it.
Layout's done.
- A.
K? - 3:20.
I'm Audi.
Jill, approve Paris' piece when it's in.
I can't pick a side.
Either way I look at it, I'm right.
I'll see you Monday, Paris.
You know, I hear the weather's supposed to be beautiful tomorrow.
How big a wedding do you think it will be? I don't know.
I hope it's a big wedding.
I love big weddings.
What time are you picking me up tomorrow? - Noon.
- Oh, noon is fine.
That will give me plenty of time to get ready.
You know, I hope you don't stay out too late tonight.
You'll be tired for tomorrow.
I will not be tired.
I wouldn't drink too much, either-- you'll be puffy.
Okay, I'll keep it to half a box of wine, max.
I'm just saying, tomorrow is a very special day.
You need to be perfect.
Okay, I'm not getting married, Michel.
I know that, but you are going to be with me, and I'm going to look fantastic, and you know that who you are with is always a reflection of yourself, and I don't want my reflection to look like Judy Garland, the Mark Herron years.
Michel, stop.
Now, I'm going to be wearing my blue pinstripes, so if you wear something in an ice blue or-- Oh, yes, silver, that would look amazing.
No one would take their eyes off of us.
And how delighted the bride will be.
Now let's discuss dancing.
As you know, I'm a fabulous dancer-- Deney Terrio level-- and I intend to dance a lot.
It's what I do at parties to compensate for the elevated calorie intake.
I just shake it all off.
Well, I promise to duck.
I don't understand your attitude.
After all, these are your friends.
I don't even know them.
- Lorelai! - Yeah? Lorelai! Help! Lorelai Oh, my God.
Problem.
- Something went very, very wrong.
- Wrong with what? Remember the dirty cookies I was baking for the bachelorette gift baskets? Well, they expanded in the oven.
Expanded? What do you mean? - Oh, dear! - I know.
Hello, Tommy Lee.
I don't know what happened.
Too much yeast.
Well, I cannot put those in the bags with the shiny tiaras and the bubble wands.
I know, I know.
I know.
I'll go try and figure something out.
Okay.
- Hello? - Hey, Lor, you got a minute? You see? This is what you're up against.
Yes, I have a minute.
I just got Rory one of those sidekicks.
Actually, I got it a couple of days ago, so she already has it.
And then I realized it's one of those things I should have run past you.
So I'm running it past you now.
Is that okay? 'Cause if it's not, I can take it back.
I'll just say I read something in consumer reports about radiation levels.
Chris, honey, we're way past the point where you have to get my permission to buy your own daughter a gift.
We are? Yes.
Didn't you get the memo? Well, you know what a mess my desk is.
I think it's nice that you bought Rory a gift.
Good.
- So, how are you? - I'm great.
Yeah? How's G.
G? She's-- well, hold on a sec.
- You hear that? - No.
- Exactly.
- Oh, come on.
It's naptime.
Not until 4:00, my friend.
Then she's holding her breath until you buy her a Porsche.
She is in her room playing with her toys, shining her halo as we speak.
Well, well, well, look who's cracking the whip.
I got to tell you, that "no" word is pretty awesome.
I can't wait to try out the "you're grounded.
" So Anyway - Lane, I'm here, and I-- - Move! - Lane, hi, I-- - Coming through! Am I here early? Sorry.
Hi, glad you're here.
What's going on? And where's all your stuff? My grandma's coming.
Jeez, how big is she? She hasn't been out of Korea in 45 years because she refuses to travel, so we figured there's no way she'd come, but she called today, and she's coming.
So, that's nice, right? - Help me! - Coming! Whoa, big Buddha! - Save the commentary.
Grab the feet.
- Okay.
Be careful.
Don't let it drop.
What happens if it drops? It breaks.
Oh, you ask a stupid question Down, here.
I'll have the boys next door bring the other one in.
Did you get the crucifixes out of the kitchen? - No.
- Go, both of you! Go! Go! Going! And don't forget the Christ's-feet tea towel! Okay, seriously, you have got to fill me in, or I got to call my life line.
What is with the Buddha? Apparently my grandmother's a Buddhist.
Go hide these in your room.
- Closet? - Uh, floorboards! I don't understand.
So your grandma's Buddhist.
Why are we-- - Oh, my God.
She doesn't know.
- No.
Your mother's mother does not know she's a seventh-day Adventist.
And it would be a very big deal if she found out.
That is so weird.
Tell me about it.
I just discovered today that I am simply the latest link in a chain of Kim women who hide their real lives under floorboards away from their mothers.
- Lane, she's here! - I want all boys! Praise Buddha! - That's your mom's mom? - Yep.
I see the resemblance.
What was that all about? Three complaints, two insults, and a hefty dose of religious guilt.
What are they doing now? Their ritual of 108 bows.
Should be called 108 "ows.
" Oh, my mother would have liked that one.
It's kind of hypnotizing if you stare at it long enough.
Oh, shoot, we have to go.
Uh, mama? Mama, we have to go-- the bachelorette party.
We're meeting the others at Doose's.
Okay, so, I'll see you later.
Bye.
Ladies, ladies, please, I need your attention.
This is a very serious subject here.
Now, I need to do a quick check to make sure we have got all of our supplies.
Rory, read off the list.
- Beer.
- Check.
- More beer.
- Check.
- Pretzels, and beer.
- Check.
Various chocolately treats, alternative alcohol for those who don't like beer, and beer.
Check.
List complete, sarge.
Excellent.
Now we are about to commence the first leg of our evening.
Our dear friend Lane is about to get married, and it is our job to make sure we give her one night and one headache she will never forget.
Hear, hear! And our first stop is the black, white, and read bookstore, where we will sneak in our booze, our treats, and proceed to get drunk and watch tonight's feature, "American Gigolo.
" Featuring a little full-frontal from Mr.
Gere himself.
All right, let's go to the movies! Wait for me! Sorry I'm late.
I had to wait for the two Mrs.
Kims to sleep before I can climb down tree to meet you.
Luckily all that bowing makes them sleep like dogs.
It's okay, Kyon.
We were just leaving.
Oh good.
I had to get out of house.
Stinks of kimchi and incense.
You can't breathe.
There's Buddhas everywhere staring at you.
What? When did you start double dressing and-- Avril Lavigne?! Avril Lavigne rocks.
You are such a snob.
If it's not Joy Division, you no like it.
Well, you can't dance to Joy Division.
You're crazy! My whole family's crazy.
Well, welcome to the club.
We'll get sweatshirts.
Hmm, secret admirer? It's dad.
He gave me this thing as a gift, you know.
However, he also got himself one, and since then, he has been texting me every five minutes.
It's insane.
You should have told him no when he ran this past you.
It's nice you have a real daddy/daughter thing going on here.
Oh, yeah, he's shopping for celery at the supermarket.
They're running a special.
He's just excited.
Yeah, well, now he's in the canned-peas aisle.
Apparently he doesn't like peas, but he does like pea soup.
Interesting, no? No! All right, give me that.
Um, okay.
"Your daughter is about to see Richard Gere's penis.
Enjoy your celery.
" That should shut him up for a while.
That's got to be some sort of record.
I don't understand.
I checked the time of the movie twice.
Well, the paper probably printed it wrong again.
We could've just gone in.
No, too risky.
No way to know if we'd missed the money shot.
"American Gigolo" without the "gigo-down-low" is pointless.
So, what should we do now? Uh, well, we could kill some time till the next showing.
Sure.
That's only 45 minutes.
So, where should we go? We could get some coffee.
"Partay.
" Well, maybe we could play a game.
I do that with the kids and time flies I don't really think peek-a-boo's gonna fly, Sookie.
Well, we could make it more adult, you know? Peek-a-boo, take a shot.
That could be fun.
- Hey! - Hey! Didn't expect to see you guys here.
We were gonna see "American Gigolo," but we missed it.
I swear, I checked the time twice.
We believe you, Sookie.
What are you guys doing here? We just came from Dell's bar.
It closed early 'cause it's Dell's wedding anniversary.
Dell's is closed? Shoot.
We were gonna go there after the movie.
Well, we could go to the Chimney Sweep.
- No, it burnt down last week.
- Kind of ironic.
We could drive over to Beacon falls, anything open there? No.
We could go to my aunt's house.
She's got a rec room with a record player.
No way.
That's completely lame.
Which one's "American Gigolo"? Is that the one where you see Richard Gere's Johnson? 'Cause that seems a little weird for a bachelor party.
- No, we are not doing this.
- Doing what? We are supposed to be getting wild at separate bachelor and bachelorette parties! We cannot be bumping into each other all night long.
Lady's right.
Come on, men.
Let's go find something wild to do.
Yeah! You guys, we are looking pathetic now, all right? We are young, temporarily single girls on the prowl.
There's plenty to do tonight that we can be mortified about.
Well, the t-shirts and tiaras are a start.
Exactly.
All right, ladies, come on.
Let's go find us some fun.
Yeah! Five more seconds.
That's it.
Anyone? - Nope.
- Nope.
Let's do it.
Hi.
Are you Brian's aunt? Oh, you must be Lane.
The boys are downstairs in the rec room.
Sounds like they have foosball.
Foosball's fun.
Bachelorettes in the house! Hey, boys! Hey, look, there's a moose head.
Dad's feet are two different sizes.
Oh, for the love of-- hey, which one says, "hi, I'm not a whore.
Enjoy your day"? - The pink one.
- Thanks.
Do not talk.
We're going to be late.
I talk fast.
It's my gift.
- Hello? - I just got tickets to Céline Dion.
- What? - My friend Tessa just called and told me she has front-row tickets to Céline Dion, and I'm going with her.
Well, that's great.
I have been waiting forever to get this close to Céline.
Oh, my god, I'm shaking like a leaf.
What should I wear? What would Céline like me in? I don't know, Michel, but I'm on my way to pick you up, so Oh, no.
Don't bother.
I'm not going to the wedding.
What? Why not? Because I'm going to Céline Dion-- hello! What have I been saying to you? No, Michel, you have to go to the wedding.
Sorry, I cannot.
Well, you've already seen Céline Dion.
Only five times, and never in the front row.
I was in the balcony with the riffraff and the people who sneak in pot.
Michel, you have to go.
I need an escort.
Find someone there-- that's why single women go to weddings.
I am not single.
I'm engaged.
Lorelai, I'm sorry.
In the future, I owe you some kind of a favor, but tonight you're on your own.
- Michel-- - I must go.
I'll bring you a mouse pad.
Bye-bye.
Michel is going to the Céline Dion concert.
- Bummer.
- What am I supposed to do now? Mrs.
Kim made it very clear not to show up without a guy.
This is ridiculous.
Even when I have a man, I'm still the girl who doesn't have a man.
This sucks! I've known Lane since she was a little kid.
She's spent more time at our house than at her own, and now I'm gonna miss her wedding? Fracking Céline Dion! You want me to see if dad can go with you? What? I've got him right here.
He's turning left on main, and he found a buffalo-head nickel in his glove compartment.
No, I don't know.
It's Saturday.
I'm sure he's busy.
He just left the hardware store, and now he's parked on the side of the road trying to decide how many tacos he wants.
I vote three, 'cause two just never seems enough.
Okay, fine, so he's not busy, but the wedding is starting in 45 minutes.
He can be here in 20.
Seriously? Wow-- four tacos.
Quite a man, my father.
So, what do you think? Should I pull the trigger? Tell him to bring me a taco.
Will do.
- T.
P.
T.
D.
I-- - What does that mean? "Totally Psyched To Do It.
" He's making up his own acronyms? Yeah, and he just learned how to make the happy face.
Sorry, kid, what can I say? He was really hot in high school.
- Hey.
- Hi! Sorry I'm late.
Forget it.
I can't believe you're doing this.
My pleasure.
You look great.
Do I look okay? This is the jacket I had with me in the car.
- Yeah, you look fine.
- Hey, check it out-- buffalo-head nickel.
- Oh, great.
Let's go.
- Go where? Uh, excuse me.
Hi, Mrs.
Kim.
I'd like you to meet Christopher Hyden.
He's Rory's father and a man.
Did that really need clarification? She instructed me to bring a man today.
I just wanted to show her that I can take direction well.
You never know who knows Spielberg.
Why did you have to bring a man? Because an unmarried woman, alone, of a certain age, dressed the way I dress apparently is Korean for Jenna Jameson.
Where's Luke? Out of town with his kid.
Oh, well, then, lucky me.
I always wanted to meet Jenna Jameson.
There they are.
Yes, all nice and proper.
Hey.
This is very impressive.
It's a Buddhist wedding.
Is the Dalai Lama coming? Yes, he's having the chicken.
Oh, it must be starting.
You guys should stand over there.
- Okay, we wait for you.
- Did you not get it? "He's having the chicken.
" Dalai Lama's a vegetarian.
So he's not having the chicken.
Sorry, should I have texted it to you instead? The universal sounds of family.
Go! What the hell is happening?! Are there bulls coming out of there? We would've heard the china breaking.
- My God! - Why aren't you running? Why should we be running? - To get to the church.
- For what? - For the wedding.
- I thought this was the wedding.
This was the grandmother's wedding.
Now we do the mother's wedding.
Why do we have to run? Because there's 58 seats and 62 Koreans.
Oh, boy! Go! Don't slow down! - My shoes are slippery! - Suck it up! Hey! Hi, Christopher! Chris, you remember Sookie and Jackson? - Yeah, nice to see you again.
- You too.
- Nice day for a wedding.
- Beautiful.
Perfect weather.
- Why are we running? - 58 seats, 62 Koreans.
- Fight for me, baby! - I'm on it! What do you see? Do you see anything open? We'll take two and two! Two and two is fine.
- We can find four together.
- I don't think we can.
I see something.
Patty, Patty! Oh, hi, honey.
What a pretty dress.
Oh, the things you can pull off with that body.
These all taken? Oh, no, I just thought I'd save some in case.
Here, come sit.
It's a mad house in here.
How did you get all these seats together? Honey, I've been here all night.
You're kidding.
Why? Carrot sticks? God, look at me.
I look like a bride.
You are a bride.
I feel so weird.
I want a picture.
Of me feeling weird? No, of me standing next to you while you're feeling weird.
Everything all right? Uh, yeah, Mrs.
Kim.
Everything's fine.
Hmm.
The dress looks different.
Really? Does it? Everything looks different through the eyes of a bride.
Rory, can you excuse us a moment? Sure.
I'll be right outside.
Mama, is something wrong? 'Cause the dress-- Forget the dress.
Sit down, please.
Uh Lane, I have something very upsetting to talk to you about.
Oh, what? It concerns the wedding night.
Oh, boy.
Yes, "oh, boy.
" Marriage is a job, Lane.
There are rewards that come with this job, but there are also sacrifices.
There are things you're going to have to do.
- Things.
- Terrible things.
- Mama, you don't have to-- - You need to hear this.
You need to know what to expect.
It will start early.
- What will? - The man's expectations.
It starts early-- at the wedding, actually.
At the wedding, you're going to have to kiss him.
Mama-- You will then be expected to share a bed tonight, and when you're in that bed, - you're expected to-- - Mama, please.
You're going to have to do it with this boy, Lane.
You're just going to have to do it.
Hopefully, if you're lucky like me, you'll only have to do it once.
You know, I remember the day I met Lane.
It was Rory's first day of kindergarten, and she insisted on wearing my "Chico and the Man" t-shirt, which I thought would either elicit confused shrugs or label her as a weird '70s-sitcom kid.
And we walked in the classroom, and Lane came running up to her and offered to share her crayons with her.
And I was so grateful, 'cause I thought even if Lane turned out to be a psycho, bad-seed, serial-killer kid, at least Rory had a friend.
Who knew it would turn out to be a lifelong friendship? Well, there're young.
There's plenty of time for them to have a stupid fight to screw it up.
This is the first one of Rory's friends to get married.
Yeah.
You know, Rory could be next.
Yeah.
That's just the way I like them-- short and in a language I can't understand.
I thought it was beautiful.
What an elegant dress.
Oh, yeah, the dress did look nice, didn't it? I'm gonna go call the babysitter.
I'll go with you.
We have this new babysitter.
She's 17, sweet as can be, perfect student, references up the wazoo.
She seems absolutely perfect in every way.
Well, she's probably a crackhead.
Thank you.
I'm calling right now.
I'll go with you.
- Let's go find the bar.
- Right behind you.
It was awesome, man.
Just flowed right down to the ground.
Majorly comfortable.
There's a reason Buddhists are so peaceful.
You have to see it.
I'm just happy to have another married guy around.
Hey, just 'cause I'm married now doesn't mean we're gonna have any Dr.
Phil moments.
Just wait, my friend-- wait till the first time you don't bring home the dry cleaning.
Dude, this is my day.
Can we not talk about dry cleaning? - Absolutely.
- Thank you.
So this robe, it must be made of silk, 'cause it is so soft.
Silk, huh? Bet it's hand-wash only.
That definitely was not the bar.
Maybe it's over there.
No, that's the gift table.
Did we try behind the church? Twice.
There has to be a bar.
We called Darla, if that is her real name, and apparently, everything's fine.
- Hey, where's the bar? - We just wonder that ourselves.
There you guys are.
I was very proud of the lack of heckling coming from your section.
Yeah, yeah, we're real good.
Now, where's the bar? Shh! Don't say that so loud.
What, no, no way.
No bar? Are you kidding? - Mom.
- What, they don't have to drink it.
Well, if we can't drink, might as well go get something to eat.
That food is not for you.
What? Hold on-- is this the "not married" thing again? Did you tell them I'm engaged? Engaged has got to be worth a sparerib.
What the hell are they doing? Well, there's something you don't see every day.
Wow, we just made it.
Ah, yes.
They really cleaned us out.
Let's see the bag.
Nice hog.
I can't believe your friends gave me all this money.
They're good people.
They know you're a good girl.
Lester chin probably stiffed you.
That's okay.
I can take those checks home, put them in the safe for you.
Sure, that'd be great.
- It was a very nice ceremony-- - It was.
- The second one.
- I know.
Thank you for doing two ceremonies.
It was very important to your grandmother.
It was fun.
It made my wedding seem a little more special.
Well, it's good you see it that way.
Well, all my guests are gone.
I'm going home.
Are you sure? Yes, I'm very tired.
I'm going to go home and go straight to bed.
Okay.
I'm going to wear earplugs tonight-- the good ones that expand in your ears-- so I won't be able to hear anything that might be going on out in the street at all hours of the night.
Thank you, mama, for everything.
And look at it this way.
You're not losing a daughter.
You're gaining a son who likes to wear a dress.
He had better make you happy.
He will.
Don't let him take pictures in that thing.
We're on, boys! Excuse me, where do you want it, sir? Close, dude-- really, really close.
Roger, Wilco.
Drop it and stack it, boys.
Excuse me.
Hold on a second.
There's something wrong with your dress here.
Here, let me just-- got it.
Yes! My wife's got legs! So, let's get this party started! Two Manhattans, extra cherries.
Excuse me, Rory.
Yeah, Kirk? I have to ask you something.
Do you think he's yummy enough? - Who? - Troy.
The bartender? Yes.
See, I put this company together for the sole purpose of bringing truly yummy bartenders to the lonely women of Stars Hollow, but they really have to be yummy.
I'm talking mouth-watering, tasty morsels of manhood-- which, by the way, was the original name of the business, but it was already taken by a firm in Woodbridge.
- Really? - Yeah.
Now, when I first met Troy, I thought he was the epitome of yummy, you know? But now I see him in the moonlight, I'm not so sure.
Oh, I wouldn't worry about it, Kirk.
I think Troy's plenty yummy.
- You do? - Yeah, I really do.
Can I go now? Yes, thank you.
Enjoy your evening.
Yes, hi.
Is Sookie or Jackson there? No.
All right.
Well, just tell them Lorelai called.
Thank you.
Well? She didn't sound drunk at all.
But she sounded like there was a guy there, right? No.
What about a pimp? Did you hear a pimp? Yes, I heard a pimp, but he sounded like he had a heart of gold.
I don't understand.
She's too perfect.
- Who's too perfect? - You are.
Ooh, extra cherries.
Cheers.
Cheers.
Rory, your father has something he wants to tell you.
Yes, I just want to apologize for my sidekick stalking.
I realize now that I have a problem.
Which is the first step to recovery.
The second step is that he's now given the sidekick to me.
- No.
- Yes! That's worse.
"Hi, Rory.
What are you doing? What do you wearing? What are you thinking? What about now? Do you miss me? Do you think I'm pretty? Where do babies come from?" Thanks a lot, mister.
- Hi.
- Hi! Hello, there.
Kudos on the hot dogs, by the way.
Zach's idea.
Lane came up with the fries, though.
You're so perfect together.
You having fun? Yes, a little too much fun.
We actually thought we should make the rounds before we're too toasted to remember who you are.
Who are you? Zach, this is my dad, Christopher.
This is Zach.
Congratulations, man.
Nice weddings.
Thanks, dude.
Hey, I want to take a picture of everyone with Lane and Zach.
Oh, God, I hate the paparazzi.
Come on! Get in the picture.
Say "cheese.
" - Cheese! - Cheese! Thank you.
Okay.
We should go.
We have six more tables to hit.
If we forget to say it later, we are really glad you came.
- Later.
- Bye.
I'm out.
Let me see the picture.
No, you'll delete it.
Not if it's good.
You erase every picture I take of you.
No, only the ones where I look like Rhoda.
- You never look like Rhoda.
- Occasionally, I look like Rhoda.
Fine, here.
Wow, you have a lot of pictures.
I like proof, okay? - Wait, go back.
- What? Flip back.
Who's that? That's me with April.
When did you meet April? Um, when I went to Philadelphia for Jess' open house.
Jess? Philadelphia? What am I missing here? Nothing.
Jess' work had an open house, I was invited, and I went, and Luke showed up there with April.
It was a total fluke.
God, I didn't know you were seeing Jess.
Well, I'm not seeing him.
We're just friends.
Does Logan know you went to see Jess? No, Logan was in Costa Rica.
I swear, nothing happened there.
Okay.
Met April, took a picture together like you're pals.
I swear, mom, it was a crazy coincidence.
I'm sorry I didn't tell you.
I just I felt so weird about it.
Oh, sure, I get it.
Look, it's not like Luke was trying to introduce her to me.
I walked in, they were there.
Yeah, right.
Okay, fluke.
Are you okay? I'm fine.
I'm gonna get another drink.
Do you want anything? Okay, I'll be right back.
What's up, Stars Hollow? Who likes my robe? Thanks.
I'm liking it myself.
Okay, tonight is not only the night I married the coolest girl on the planet.
It is also the world premiere of the newly reunited Hep Alien.
It feels great to be back.
# I thought love was only true in fairy tales # # Meant for someone else but not for me # # Love was out to get me # # That's the way it seemed # # Disappointment haunted all of my dreams # # And then I saw her face # # Now I'm a believer # # Not a trace # # Of doubt in my mind # # I'm in love, ooh # # I'm a believer, I couldn't leave her if I tried # Kirk, I swear, nothing happened! I know what I saw! He put fruit in your drink-- lots of fruit! I asked him for the fruit.
I was hungry.
Attention, partygoers and revelers, as I have just recently fired all of the yummy bartenders, from now on, the bar is serve-yourself.
- Kirk! - Too yummy! Way too yummy! Kirk, this is crazy! Why are you acting like this? Boy, I tell you, if you have to get married, this is the way to do it.
"Have to get married"? Oh, my, so cynical and jaded.
Well, we can't all be cool like Zach.
I think they're really happy.
Good.
That's the way it's supposed to be.
I'm glad I came to this thing tonight.
Me too.
So, where's Logan? Oh, uh, he's in Costa Rica.
Costa Rica? Work, play? Play, always play.
Really? What's he doing? Oh, he's gonna jump off something and raft down somewhere, climb up a thing, swing around on a vine, stuff like that.
Listen, I want you to know that I like him.
I like him, and I like you, and I like you and him together.
Well, good.
I just want you to know that I approve.
Dad, it's not like we're getting married.
But if that changes, I just want you to know - That you approve.
- Yes.
You know, it's been a while since I partied like this.
I used to be much better at that.
Well, maybe Logan can give you some tips when he gets back.
Hi.
I'm Brian Fuller, bass player for Hep Alien and best man.
All right, I want to say a few words about Zach.
I've known Zach for most of my life.
I've been his roommate and friend, and I just have to say, I think Lane has something very, very wrong with her.
Time for the toast.
Excuse me a minute.
Absolutely.
We are doing shots.
- For 20, apparently.
- Pass the salt.
Uh, you know, I'm a respectable man, Lorelai, an upstanding citizen-- I'm a father.
I know.
This is how you became one.
Well, you got me there.
In closing, Lane, if you ever want to see a picture of Zach trying to shove 14 ping-pong balls in his mouth, I have it.
To Lane and Zach, may they stay together forever otherwise, Hep Alien is screwed.
- To Lane and Zach! - To Lane and Zach! - To Lane and Zach! - To Lane and Zach! - Great toast, Bri.
- Yes, excellent.
Seriously, dude, I need those pictures back.
Hi, everyone, I'm Rory Gilmore.
I'm the maid of honor.
- To Rory! - To Rory! I'm not one for speeches, and I don't have any incriminating pictures of Lane to share, but I do have this letter.
This letter was written in It was slipped into my hands during a spelling test in Miss Mellon's class.
I was so shocked by its contents that I missed the word automobile-- o-t-t-o-mobile.
That's right, Lane.
I remember.
I will now share with you the contents of this letter.
"Dear Rory, how was your lunch? Mine was bad.
Did you have ham again? If you did, I am sorry, but mine was worse.
I thought you should know that today at recess I decided that I'm going to marry Alex Backus.
He has a very nice head, and his ears don't stick out like Ronnione Winston's do.
I will love him forever, no matter what.
See you at brownies.
Love, Lane.
" I just thought that Zach should know that in your heart, he will always be second place to Alex Backus and his well-proportioned ears.
It's true.
Come on, you're behind.
Oh, I'm gonna sit this one out.
Well, that's fun.
But the bottom line is, I love you, Lane.
Congratulations.
- To the bride and groom.
- To the bride and groom! Bride and groom! Where you going? I want to give a toast.
Congratulations.
Hello.
Everybody, hello.
Some of you know me as Lorelai Gilmore, and some of you know me as Cher.
But either way, I wanted to say a few words about our girl.
I have known Lane forever, and I'm just so incredibly happy that she has gotten married.
I mean, I am just so happy that this adorable 22-year-old girl has gotten married, because it's amazing, you know? It's really hard to get married.
Believe me, I should know.
I mean, seriously, because Lane is married, and next thing, it'll be my daughter, and then my granddaughter, but not me.
I'm not getting married.
No, it ain't for me.
It's not in the cards.
But, hey, do you know what date I'm not getting married? June 3rd.
Do not save the date.
Do you hear me? Do whatever you want on June 3rd, because there's nothing at all happening on that day.
If there's anything you need to book or anything, it's totally safe to book it on June 3rd.
So, congratulations, Lane and Zach.
Who else here had eight shots of tequila? Anybody? Hands no? Oh, my gosh, who misses the yummy bartenders? I know, me too.
They were so great.
I was gonna ask them to not work on June 3rd on my not wedding.
I just thought that would be so fun.
Hi, Chris.
Hi, Rory.
Hi.
How about some coffee? What? Okay.
Well, I guess we're going over here.
Totally perfect wedding.
Get her over to the couch.
Man, I must say, when your mom does something, she commits.
Just prop her up.
I'm gonna make some coffee.
Hon, if the two gallons we poured down her throat at the wedding didn't do anything, I'm not sure what two more cups will.
Hey, no one knows how to wrangle the powers of coffee like a Gilmore.
Just prop her up.
She hates to get pillow face.
Pillow face.
Got it.
Hello? Logan's hurt.
What? What do you mean? Is he all right? I don't know.
That was Colin.
And the line was bad.
Something happened on their trip.
They're airlifting him to a hospital in New York.
Oh, boy.
I got to go.
I want to be there when he arrives.
Yes, go.
I can take care of your mom.
Leave her a note that I'll call her from the hospital.
- I will.
Go.
- I'm going.
All right, Calamity Jane, let's get you to bed.
No.
Yes.
Hello? Hey.
What time is it? Yeah.
I, uh um No, Luke, it's fine.
I'm glad you called.
Yep, the wedding was great.
She looked beautiful.