Hogan's Heroes (1965) s06e19 Episode Script

( theme song playing ) ( coded knock at door ) This area's crawling with patrols.
Why'd you want to meet here? I can't take any chances.
Well, I certainly took plenty getting to this broken-down farm.
I'm sorry, Colonel, but this is the only place I'm safe.
The Gestapo is on to me.
How'd they find out? The same way they find out everything.
Naturally, I'm finished as a source of information.
Well, I want you to know, you've done a great service to both our countries.
Danke.
What about the location of the submarine pens? I have a detailed map of them all.
Detailed map-- great.
Well, I can only promise you, your sacrifice will not be in vain.
What sacrifice? Well, when someone gives up his life for something he believes in, I'd certainly say that was a sacrifice.
By a stupid man! Let's understand each other, Colonel.
I have no intention of sacrificing my life for anything, and I also have no intention of giving up the map until I am certain my life is quite safe.
Look, you know the Gestapo.
No matter where you hide in this country, your life's going to be in danger.
I'm well aware of that, but I know a trip to London would add years to it.
That field outside is big enough to land a plane.
We're not running an airline between here and England.
Where I go, the map goes.
All right, I'll see what we can do.
And how fast it can be done.
My nerves are at the breaking point.
Look, you're the most decorated flyer on the Luftwaffe.
You've faced death countless times.
Now you act like you're scared stiff.
I was scared stiff then, too.
Find out about the plane, Hogan! It may take a few days.
You think you can hold on that long? I'll hold on, but ( rustling ) What was that? What? I heard a noise outside.
I didn't hear anything.
You're the most nervous war hero I've ever known.
You'd better get back to the camp.
And tell London to hurry.
Use the window.
All right, they'll get you out if they can.
You'll hear from me in a couple of days.
( door bursts open ) SCHULTZ: Here are your Red Cross packages.
I made a special trip, because I know what it means to you.
Very, very thoughtful of you, Schultzy.
A little kindness never hurt.
Right.
They look bigger than they used to.
Well, it makes it harder for the Boche to slip in the packages.
SCHULTZ: I never stole anything.
We know that, Schultz.
You're the one man in this camp we can really trust.
(softly): Are they all there? Yes, sir.
Mm-hmm.
Thanks for making the trip, Schultz.
A little kindness never hurt.
Who will give me two cigarettes for a candy bar? I will.
Hey, what am I offered for a bar of soap? Two candy bars.
Sold.
And what am I offered for an almost-new of Fräulein Was Ist? You want to trade two cigarettes for a candy bar? I'll give you a whole pack for that bar.
That's very nice.
most beautiful fräuleins.
No deal, Schultz.
But thanks for bringing the packages, huh? Oh, a little kindness never hurts.
It doesn't help much, either.
Not that I want anything.
Not at all.
No, all you want is one of these rich, sweet, gooey, creamy chocolate bars.
That's what you want, isn't it? Mmm.
You're not going to get it, Schultz, not for one of those dog-eared girlie magazines.
Mmm, almonds.
Oh.
Now, if you really want to make a deal, Schultz ( moans ) For one candy bar, where are the secret Messerschmidt factories? How do I know? Even if I would know, you think I would tell you such a thing for one candy bar? Good man, Schultz.
I admire loyalty, even in the enemy.
Only kidding, Schultz, only kidding.
You may be a lot of things, but one thing you're not is a traitor.
Try two candy bars.
Colonel Hauptmann has his price; why not me? Hmm? What's this about Hauptmann? Well, last night, he I knownothing! Here, Schultz, have a candy bar.
No, I don't care for one.
In that case, make it two.
Thank you.
Last night, Colonel Hauptmann was arrested by the Gestapo, and he is being held here for treason.
Treason? Hugo Hauptmann's a national hero.
The Gestapo has got to be kidding.
Why is he being held here? The Führer doesn't want the people to know that our national hero is a traitor, but he's going to get a fair trial.
When? Tomorrow morning, there is a court-martial followed by the execution.
Some fair trial.
What kind of evidence have they got? I know nothing, but I can find out.
I need something to bargain with.
All right, I will try to find out.
How do you like that? They must have grabbed Hauptmann just after I left.
You think they got the map, too? I doubt it; Hauptmann's too smart.
He's got it hidden, and we've got to find out where.
I say this entire court-martial is a waste of time.
The evidence against Hauptmann proves his guilt.
Hochstetter, we must think of appearances.
We do not treat a national hero like a common criminal.
Who's defending Hauptmann? Whoever you pick to defend him.
I'm the prosecutor.
I cannot appoint a defense counsel.
You should know that.
I am the Gestapo.
What do I know about law? Why not ask one of your staff to handle the defense? No officer on my staff would oppose me.
They'd be afraid of offending me in some way.
Why, General? You are a fair man.
No, I'm not.
I'm also easily offended.
What I have to do is find somebody who already offends me.
May I come in? I think I just found him.
Halt! No one is allowed beyond me.
We're delivering a prisoner, Schultz.
A prisoner? Give him five days in the cooler.
The cockroach? But he is one of your men.
That's what makes it so serious.
I expect bad behavior from the enemy, but I won't take it from one of my own men.
Take him away.
What did he do? Well, for one thing, he attacked a guard.
Little LeBeau? (chuckling): Oh, no.
When did he do this? ( screams, then grunts ) Just a moment ago.
Shouldn't let him do that, Schultz.
Oh, wait.
You are going to cool your head off in the cooler for a few days! Come on.
( fearfully ): Aah-aah-aah HOCHSTETTER: Schultz! Take the prisoner What is going on down here? Major, I'm taking a prisoner into the cooler.
Colonel's orders, sir.
No one is allowed in here until after the court-martial.
What are these men doing in here? Colonel Hogan said, please, that Hogan? Since when is he running this prison camp? Oh.
Let me see It was three years ago, I think, in November.
What?! Hogan, weren't your men supposed to be getting the recreation hall in order for the court-martial? That's right, Major.
You'll be very happy to know work is coming slow but sure.
That hall had better be ready, Hogan.
Schultz, I will let you tell Colonel Hauptmann the good news.
How can he get any good news? It is about his defense counsel.
Colonel Hauptmann is a very lucky man.
Who's defending him? Colonel Wilhelm Klink.
Klink? Klink? Klink? You don't mean our Klink.
I mean, the Klink here-- you don't mean him.
Ja, Kommandant Klink, a man who could have been great, except he wasn't very good.
Back to your post, Schultz.
Oh, pardon me, Major.
If I can't take the prisoner to the cooler, what should I do with him? Shoot him.
Don't touch me.
LeBEAU: All right.
Newkirk, you went to law school, didn't you? Me, sir? I don't know the first flipping thing about law.
That's good enough.
You're now going to help the counsel for defense with his homework.
What's this, Colonel, Hilda's day off? No, it's my day out.
Every since Hochstetter and Burkhalter moved in, I'm out of my office, I'm out of my living quarters, and I'm out of patience, so don't bother me, Hogan! Well, it'll all be over tomorrow, sir.
Say, I understand you're counsel for the defense.
Yes.
How did it happen? I'm told that I volunteered.
Very good.
I suppose you're planning your strategy.
Yes.
What's your defense, sir? Since Colonel Hauptmann has served his country gallantly in the past, I will try for a smaller firing squad.
You're a fine defense counselor.
You're practically saying he's guilty.
He is guilty.
My safe in my office is filled with evidence against him.
What kind of evidence? I don't know-- they won't let me in.
Now, wait a minute, Colonel.
How do you expect to get him off if you don't know what you're up against? I don't expect to get him off-- he's a traitor.
Well, if you feel like that, why did you volunteer to take the case? I volunteered to take it because General Burkhalter said I did.
Now, please leave me alone! Okay, it's your neck.
Wait! It's not my neck.
It's Hauptmann's neck.
I was thinking about the publicity-- what the newspapers will say about a man who sells out his comrade.
Right, Colonel Hauptmann is still a hero in this country.
He is the most decorated flyer in Luftwaffe history.
When was the last time you were in combat, sir? Not recently.
What do you mean, "recently"? Not since the war.
Yeah, they'll play that up big-- "the war hero and the coward.
" You think this will make the headlines? Oh! Why not? They can't print anything about the war.
What can I do? The court-martial is tomorrow.
I wouldn't worry about Hauptmann's court-martial; I'd worry about my own.
You're right.
They'll make me the goat.
Hogan, I need help.
Exactly why we're here.
Corporal Newkirk was a successful barrister before the war.
I'm sure he'll think of something.
Well, first of all, I'd have to talk to Hauptmann and get his story.
I'll arrange it-- what else? Well, that should be plenty, should be just fine, sir.
Colonel Hauptmann! HAUPTMANN: Who's that? I'm one of Colonel Hogan's men.
Hogan! What's happening? And how does he plan to get me out of here, and when? Your court-martial is scheduled for tomorrow.
They really plan to go through with that farce? It's not a farce, sir.
Everything's got to be according to military law, and you've got a very fine defense counsel.
Oh? Who's that? Colonel Wilhelm Klink.
He's got brains.
He's a fighter and a dynamic personality.
That sounds very encouraging.
Uh yeah.
Look, I've only got a minute, so quick-- where is the map of submarine pens? It's hidden.
Only I can find it, and only I am going to deliver it to London.
You wouldn't want to tell me where it is, just in case you had an accident like walking in front of the firing squad or something? But Colonel Klink, my brilliant defense counsel, is going to make sure that doesn't happen.
Are you kidding? You'll be lucky if he isn't shot with you.
You can leave anytime, because I'm not telling you where the map is, so it's up to you to get me out of here.
It may not be possible.
Listen, all the evidence they have are recordings of phone calls locked in the Kommandant's safe.
Recordings, huh? Wonder how they got them.
Who planted the bug? My secretary.
She's a Gestapo agent.
Now, if you could destroy the evidence, it might delay the trial.
Well, I'll talk it over with Colonel Hogan, but I can't promise anything.
Until you do, neither can I.
Bloody charming.
The next time we do business with the enemy, we're going to make sure he's on our side.
Here is your supper, Herr Kommandant: wonderful sauerbraten, tummy-tickling red cabbage and piping-hot fluffy dumplings.
Put it on the desk over there.
If you don't want to eat it now, I can bring it later.
Schultz, that's what you did with my lunch.
I never did get it.
Because I didn't want to spoil this wonderful dinner.
( sniffs ) Mmm, it does smell good.
It's much better than the lunch you didn't have.
Put it on the desk.
Oh, you should eat it hot; it's not good cold.
But it wouldn't be so bad either.
Put it on the desk.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Herr Kommandant, if you do not want to eat alone, I'd be very glad to join you.
I don't mind eating alone.
I like to eat alone.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Then I will eat here on the filing cabinet.
Schultz, you will stand guard outside and see to it that I'm left alone.
Jawohl.
HOCHSTETTER: After you, General.
I will lock up.
I know you think these, uh, security precautions are silly, but, uh better safe than sorry, I always Your keys are in there on the safe.
Oops, that's right.
I must have left it there when I locked it.
You have a fine memory for detail, General.
Make a good Gestapo man.
BURKHALTER: I'm really impressed at the study you are giving this trial.
KLINK: A court-martial, Herr General; a trial is a civil function.
Why, the military HOCHSTETTER: All right, Klink, don't be so technical.
Remember, gentlemen, a technicality can be the difference between winning and losing.
Now, take the case of Kunkel v.
Bagenbeiter.
Let us stick to the case of The People v.
Hugo Hauptmann, hmm? You are going to a great deal of work, which indicates some legal maneuver.
I would say you are pleading temporary insanity.
I never stoop to legal trickery.
I intend to prove that Colonel Hugo Hauptmann is innocent.
Innocent? I think you should try that plea of insanity-- for yourself.
Major Hochstetter, I'm afraid that the Gestapo arrested the wrong man.
( scoffs ) Impossible.
The Gestapo never arrests the wrong man.
It's against the rules.
We have absolute proof in those recorded telephone calls.
Hearsay evidence.
What do you mean, "hearsay"? Well, that depends on what you hear him say.
I mean, whatever you hear, I say that Colonel Hugo Hauptmann is a victim of malicious gossip, jealousy and false testimony.
Very good, Klink, excellent.
I want you to give that same performance tomorrow.
I think he means it.
Means it? Hochstetter, Klink is a fine actor-- look how well he's played the part of a German officer all these years.
I am not acting.
I intend to nail the prosecutor's fat hide to the wall.
Fat? What makes you think he's fat? Well, that's how I pictured him.
Uh what does he look like? A lot like me.
Well, then, he is fat.
Not that you're fat I mean, not nearly as fat as he is.
As who is? The fat prosecutor, whoever that is.
That is me.
You are the prosecutor? The fat prosecutor.
Oh, oh, Herr General, you're much thinner than I thought you'd be.
And may I congratulate you on a brilliant piece of legal strategy? You took me completely by surprise.
What are you talking about, Klink? Well, you tricked me into giving away my entire defense plans, and under the circumstances, I think it only fair that I resign.
I think not.
I am anxious to see this battle you are going to give me.
Oh, I would hardly call it a battle.
I wouldn't even call it an argument.
Uh I'd just call it a friendly discussion.
Now, you say that Hauptmann is guilty, and I say you're right.
What could be more friendly than that, hmm? I'm glad to see you've come around to my way of thinking.
I have not come around to your way of thinking; I've come around to his way of thinking.
Just because I am prosecuting this case, I don't want that to influence you.
Oh, it wouldn't influence me in the least, sir.
I have always said that he was guilty.
Now, would you like eight or ten men for the firing squad? I'd prefer you keep saying he's innocent, Klink.
You are the defense counsel.
Yes, sir, indeed I will.
I will keep saying it right up until the execution.
Here's the evidence.
Good.
All right, get Newkirk and have Baker set up the recording equipment in the tunnel.
Oui, Colonel.
HAUPTMANN ( on recording ): This is Hauptmann.
I'll see what I can do when I get to London.
They'll furnish your men with whatever supplies you need.
I wait.
Good-bye.
NEWKIRK ( acting ): Very good, Sally-- the fellow's voice sounds a little high for Hauptmann, but it'll do.
The other recordings will hang him anyway.
Oh, by the way, this is last performance for Sally Holmes-- we're pulling you out next week.
So stay under wraps as much as possible.
SCHULTZ: Achtung! Achtung! KLINK: At ease.
As you were.
Hmm, not bad, not bad at all.
Did you get a chance to look at those law books, sir? I didn't have to.
Oh.
You mean you think Hauptmann's chances are pretty good then? I don't think I will have any problem getting him off with the death penalty.
Can't you do a little better? You mean you think he's guilty again? Due to some new evidence I uncovered, yes.
What new evidence? I found out who the prosecutor is.
General Burkhalter is handling the case himself.
Ah, Colonel, we realize the general is your superior, but is that any reason to let an innocent man be punished? He is not an innocent man.
They've got recordings of phone conversations, treasonous conversations.
I spoke to Colonel Hauptmann, sir, I heard what he had to say.
He said he was framed.
Commandant, who planted that bug? I mean, was it his secretary? Yes, it was.
It seems the secretary was A Gestapo agent.
Yes.
You mean they fell for that old trick? Oh, I got to hand it to Sally-- she never misses.
Sally? Yeah, Sally Holmes, one of the slickest British agents.
She's knocked off more Nazi bigwigs than the underground.
Looks like we can write off Colonel Hauptmann.
BAKER: Yeah, Sally's done it again.
Do you expect anyone to believe that a British agent would pose as a Gestapo agent? Of course we don't expect anyone to believe it-- that's why she's so successful.
NEWKIRK: It's your typical Sally Holmes modus operandi.
"Modus operandi"-- that's legal talk, sir, for a person's method of operation.
But the Gestapo, they never make mistakes.
They arrested Colonel Hauptmann, didn't they, sir? They did but they have evidence.
Oh, sure, evidence planted by a British spy posing as one of their agents-- part of the plan to discredit important Nazis.
We don't know she's a British spy.
Well, we knew it, all right, sir.
I am surprised they haven't caught on by now, sir.
Can you give me a description of her? Well, have you ever seen Hauptmann's secretary? No.
Well, when you do see her, that's exactly what Sally Holmes looks like.
Wait! She is Sally Holmes.
By golly, the commandant's right.
( laughs ) You grab that secretary, and you got yourself the real traitor.
Now, Fräulein Hibbler, will you please tell the impartial court how long you worked for the traitor? I was secretary to Colonel Hauptmann for two months, one week und three days.
During this time, were you in any way I have a question for the witness.
I am questioning the witness.
But my question is very important.
I just want to ask The counsel for the defense may question the witness when the prosecution is finished.
But we only have a few minutes.
I have this information Is there any reason that your, uh, questions and information cannot wait until tomorrow? Yes-- she's liable to get away tonight.
Who is liable to get away? Sally Holmes.
This is Sally Holmes, a British agent! If Colonel Klink is trying to discredit Fräulein Hibbler, he's wasting his time.
Colonel Klink, you're out of order.
Sit down.
And refrain from any more interruptions.
During the time you were working in Colonel Hauptmann's office, Fräulein Hibbler, did you have any reason to believe he was a traitor? Objection! Objection overruled.
You don't even know what it is.
I don't want to know what it is.
I told you not to interrupt.
That means no interruptions, no outbursts and no objections.
And no finger tapping.
Or pencil tapping.
The witness, please, will answer the question.
Yes, I made recordings of his telephone conversations, which I believe are proof of the charges brought against Colonel Hauptmann.
The prosecution would like permission to play the recordings.
Permission denied! Colonel Klink! He just asked a question, and I am answering.
These recordings are fake.
They're all part of Sally Holmes's modus operandi-- that's legal talk for Klink, if you don't shut up, I'm going to have you bound and gagged in this chair.
That's commanding officers' talk.
Yes, sir, please play the recordings, Herr General.
Is this one of the recordings? Yes, it is.
I dated and initialed each one upon its removal.
BURKHALTER: Very well.
( machine clicks on ) HAUPTMANN ( on recording ): This is Hauptmann.
Tell Gerhardt I need delivery of the plans tomorrow night.
No, it can't wait-- I've got to get out as soon as possible, I think the Gestapo is on to me.
All right, I'll see what I can do when I get to London.
They'll furnish your men with whatever supplies you need.
I wait.
Good-bye.
NEWKIRK ( on recording ): Very good, Sally.
The fellow's voice sounds a little high for Hauptmann, but it'll do.
The other recordings will hang him anyway.
By the way, this is the last performance for Sally Holmes-- we're pulling you out next week.
So stay under wraps as much as possible.
Those recordings have been tampered with-- that is a fake! You're the fake, Sally Holmes! Guards, arrest this woman! The court is adjourned.
( all talking excitedly ) HIBBLER: I am innocent! Klink, if there is one thing I hate, it's admitting I'm wrong.
And the thing I hate more is being wrong where you are concerned.
We all make mistakes, sir.
I said I was wrong; I didn't say anything about a mistake.
I believe that this proves that Colonel Hauptmann is innocent.
You're a free man, Colonel.
I don't know how to thank you, Colonel Klink.
I couldn't have had a better defense.
That's very kind of you.
And, uh with all due modesty, I must say that in my entire legal career, I have never lost a case.