Scrubs s06e19 Episode Script

J.
D.
: There we were, Elliot's friend Melody and I, witnessing this moment.
Yes! Oh, my God, yes! Awesome, awesome! Okay.
This is so romantic.
Okay, it's a little tight.
Just push a little harder.
(EXCLAIMS) Got a little skin there.
No problem.
Here come the "fricks.
" Just get the motherfricking ring on my motherfricking finger! Frick! Frick! Frick! It needs to be resized.
Okay, Keith, sweetie, you know how I'm crazy, right? - Definitely.
- Oh, thank goodness.
Because, I am so sorry, but I'm just going to have to take back my "Yes.
" You see, you have to understand, I have dreamt about this moment since I was a very little girl, and the ring fit perfectly, my eyes welled up, and I said, "Yes! Oh, my God, yes!" With exactly that inflection.
I'll fix it.
Just tell me when you want me to ask you again.
You mean, you'd let me plan out my own proposal? Sure.
Yes! Sweet! Okay, we've only got two days, people.
Melody, you're on decorations.
Jordan, you'll come up with my look.
If I can get you an appointment, will you have your armpits Botoxed so they don't sweat? Because otherwise I'm very limited.
I'm open to it.
Carla, you're in charge of the guest list.
Just make sure that all of my friends are there.
Oh, and Naomi, that bitch from Radiology, she's teased me for six years about how she's going to beat me down the aisle.
Well, she can suck it, - her and her fat neck.
- Invite Fat Neck.
Got it.
If you point out Fat Neck to me, I'll keep asking her why she's still single until she cries.
Done.
Check it.
Not a drop of sweat, and it's like 100 degrees in here.
We haven't really been introduced.
Jordan.
But first, smell it.
Hey, sport.
Sorry to hear about your placing second in the Dr.
Reid-a-thon.
Sir? You don't have to hide it, son.
Given your history, you must be taking her engagement pretty hard.
Sadly, it's only in the movies where the pretty girl ends up with the uggo.
(CHUCKLES) Can you believe him? Well, you and Elliot did go through a lot.
You two have been on and off again more than Ross and Rachel from Friends.
Please, I am nothing like Ross.
No, of course not.
You're Rachel, she's Ross.
You guys are crazy.
Nobody else in this hospital thinks I'm upset about Elliot.
Tough break, man.
"'Tis better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all" five.
I know about loss, brother.
It's like she took your heart and just (HEART SQUISHING) Doug, aren't you supposed to save those? Don't tell anyone.
Okay, I'm going to head over here to vomit.
Baby, will you do me a favor tonight that requires no effort on your part? Sure, what is it? Will you have sex with me? Come on! We haven't had relations since Izzy was born.
Turk, I'm just not there yet.
I mean, if you weren't emotionally ready, would you want to have sex? Baby, I don't even understand the question.
Go away.
(SIGHING) TURK: Oh, man! Mrs.
Sheldon is the sweetest old lady, but I can't figure out what's wrong with her.
She's got the most random symptoms: Myalgia, alopecia, a rash.
That is so weird.
My patient, Mr.
Bilbray, has the same exact symptoms.
Actually, he's my patient.
Jamie, you're a baby intern.
Yesterday, you asked me how to turn on your stethoscope.
Now, go stand over there.
You know, I bet these patients have something in common, like some place they've been, or eaten.
Let's go check it out.
Could you imagine being married to Elliot? (CHILDREN CHATTERING) Darling, do you think that we're pigeonholing the children? Who cares? It's not like they're ours.
I'd have to find some tiny charts and mops, but it's do-able.
I'll tell you what's do-able.
(SCATTING) Very clever.
God is watching.
How many times have you gotten laid this year? Bagel.
Who'd have thought "God is watching" would work? Keith and I are definitely having some post-engagement nookie tomorrow night after the proposal.
Did you get me those purple lacy undies? Yeah.
Keith is going to look so hot.
Coolio.
Okay, I've got to go meet Carla.
(SIGHING) Well, it's official.
I am the only single sorority sister left.
I guess it's true what they say, "First one to be in a threesome, last one to get married.
" Damn! I'm sorry.
She just said that she was in a threesome.
Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! I just don't want to end up like my aunt Sheila and get married and have a kid when I'm 50.
I mean, you find a tooth in that house, you don't know whose mouth it fell out of.
Sometimes I wonder, you know, if I'm ever actually going to find someone, you know? Yeah.
Now, was it two girls and a guy, or a devil's threesome? All-girl.
Damn! Sorry.
I've got to take off.
Hey, I'm reviewing this new hotel downtown tonight for work.
You want to join? It's all comped.
I think I'll pass.
Oh, well.
Could have been fun.
(ALL CHATTERING) Okay, guys.
Guys! Guys! I'm sure he has an explanation.
Go sit down.
I'm not going to get anywhere with her.
She's got this weird policy.
She'll mack with anyone, but the second you try and take it further, she throws the brakes on.
It always ends the same way.
Great Aunt Judy's arm fat.
Great Aunt Judy's arm fat.
I'm tired of the cold showers.
That was yesterday, when she was this confident, young hotel reviewer.
Today she's a sad, vulnerable, last single woman standing.
Now, are you going to create a wonderful memory and then secretly call me from the bathroom right after, or not? Turk, you know I'd like to be the one making the secret bathroom call for once, but I'm not that desperate.
(KNOCK ON DOOR) You ordered some Dorian? - Huh? - That's my last name.
Ah! That's a good one! - I thought about it on the way up.
- Come on in.
J.
D.
: Oh, it's on.
Mrs.
Sheldon, may I just say, I hope to look as good as you when I'm 80.
I'm 68.
Did they not have sunscreen where you grew up? So, to wrap this up, you two live in different nursing homes and you have nothing in common.
Is there anything that you can tell us that'll help us figure out what's wrong with you? Last week, I got a new pair of shoes.
That's very helpful, thank you.
We'll just go run some more tests then.
Hey, so I convinced the bartender to give us all the booze at your party for half price.
- Yes! - Little hitch.
You're going to have to show some boob.
Apparently, mine did not get us all the way there.
He has a soft touch, though.
Lovely.
Oh, and Per, you were wrong.
Someone is dumb enough to love me.
Where's your head right now? Perry, no! It goes cracker-apple-cheese, not cracker-cheese-apple.
I know that we've only been married two days, Perry, but you should know this.
(SIRENS WAILING) You're going to fry for this, buddy.
Worth it.
J.
D.
: Okay, you made it to the room.
Time for the John Dorian three-step seduction plan.
Step one, make her realize you share things in common.
(EXCLAIMS) They have tampons in their toiletry basket! I love that.
Me, too.
Step one, check.
Step two, connect with her on a personal level.
So, Melody, where's home for you? Originally, Akron, Ohio, but home is where your hat is.
That's something my dad used to always say.
Of course, he would also say that America is a planet.
He was in a boating accident and suffered some brain damage.
Brain damage is rarely good.
Tore our family apart.
J.
D.
: Step two, check.
Now just remind her she's all alone.
Elliot getting married.
Crazy, right? I can't believe no one's ever gotten down on one knee for you.
I know.
Cute as a button.
Yeah, you are.
Hey, I have to check out the linens.
Would you care to test them out with me? J.
D.
: And there it is.
I could only imagine what wonderful place was waiting beneath those covers.
(GRUNTS) Greetings, strange traveler.
Whilst thou mate with me tonight? All right.
Not really sure how I'd go about doing that.
I mean, where would I put my Come on, dawg.
This is a desperate mermaid.
You've got to hit that! Show me where, Goat Turk, and I'd be happy to.
Where's the front door? - Yeah, that's a gill.
- Yeah, it is.
MELODY: Bring those horns down here.
Oh, they're coming, baby.
You can handle it? - Oh, I can handle it.
- Oh, yeah, you can.
Hey, Goat Turk! That's my mermaid! (BLEATING) My bad.
Incoming.
(SHOUTS) I would characterize this mattress as springy.
Springy.
The test results for Mr.
Bilbray and Mrs.
Sheldon come in yet? Still waiting.
What do you think of my manicure? - I got it for the ring.
- Perfect.
What's on today's agenda, lovey? Well, snookums, I'm first going to check out the market, then play a few holes of golf, and then pretend to care about underprivileged people.
You know, the usual.
Well, I'm off.
And keep an eye on Lupita.
I think some of the silver has gone missing.
I'll talk to her.
- Bye, snookie.
- Okay, have a good day.
You've been a naughty girl, Lupita.
(SPEAKING SPANISH) You looking fine as hell today, girl.
- Take me! - It's going down.
I'm so hard up, I'm fantasizing about having sex with my own wife! It ain't right! KELSO: Oh, poor Turkleberry.
He thinks he's got it hard.
The damn Internet is down.
Where am I supposed to go for sexual gratification? My invalid wife? Great.
Everything came back negative on Mrs.
Sheldon and Mr.
Bilbray.
There must be something that we're missing.
But with you two, that would be impossible.
Might I take a look at the chart? Well, it's not PMR or pan-hypo pit, and we've already ruled out malignancy.
Well.
Oh, yeah.
That's a toughie.
Really? You two think it's that easy? (WHISTLES) Intern! Test both of their patients for this, and don't you dare tell the Hardy Girls what it is, not yet.
Go.
- Room service is great.
- Yeah.
Can I have that tiny ketchup bottle? I'm planning this elaborate prank on Turk where he wakes up and thinks he's 20 feet tall.
Sure.
Thanks.
All right.
Can you think of anything else we should try? I think we should try this.
J.
D.
: Turk was right.
He's such a good friend.
I should get him a gift.
I'll fish for what he wants later on our secret bathroom call.
Wait, why am I thinking about Turk? Okay, start moving your hand.
Next stop: Boob Town, population, two.
Whoa, you can't go to Boob Town! That, my friend, is a gated community.
Oh! You're fully dressed under there.
Me, too.
I'm gonna go check out the bar.
Are you going to come? Sure, I'll be right down.
When you're in a dry spell, sometimes you have to get wet.
Great Aunt Judy! (SCREAMING) It doesn't matter if you're married.
If you're all talk, but no action.
Or you have a bad Internet connection.
All you can do is take solace in the fact that no one's getting any.
The test results are back and our friends, Mr.
Bilbray and Mrs.
Sheldon, both will be having a round of penicillin for their what? That's right.
Their STDs.
Yes, have a look-see, won't you please? It turns out that our hard-candy toting, super-cheery grandparents both have - Syphilis.
- Syphilis.
Bang.
J.
D.
: Okay, maybe some people were getting some, but we weren't.
Sorry, guys.
Thought I fixed that.
- I can't believe they have syphilis.
- Yes, Barbie.
Look, when people get old, there are certain things they're no longer able to do, like drive a car over 20 miles an hour or smell like the living.
But the one thing they damn sure can do is have sex until they croak.
The fact of the matter is, thanks to a variety of male-enhancement drugs, sexually transmitted diseases have increased amongst the elderly by 300%.
Ugh! Old-people sex is disgusting.
Really? Because from time to time I like to throw back a few blue bombers and head out on the town.
- Okay, we're leaving now.
- You will go nowhere.
No one will.
I will have you all know that just this morning I hoisted Enid onto the safety rail in our kitchen and we went at it like drunk monkeys.
That's right.
Now, just soak in that image for a while.
Everybody in the room okay with pretending that never happened? - Me.
- I am.
Great.
I'll go tell them that they have an STD.
I hate you.
I know.
Different wife, same story.
Hey, fellas.
I hear there's a steel magnolia in room 309 that needs a little pruning.
Todd, she's 68 and has syphilis.
Hey, the Todd accepts all applicants, regardless of age or disability.
Well, I'm giving up on Melody.
Dude, no.
Man, me? I'm married, so I may never, ever, ever have sex again.
You? There's still a chance for you.
Damn it, if you're not going to do it for yourself, at least do it for me.
And me.
For all of us.
What? You guys are surprised I don't get any? All right, men.
I'm going in.
J.
D.
: Turk was right.
I could make this happen.
Because whether Melody wants to admit it or not, there was a definite connection between us.
So, thanks for hanging with me last night.
That's not me, Melody.
My bad.
You two could be twins.
We look nothing alike.
What are you, Egyptian? I don't want to hear it.
God, what a day.
I cannot believe we didn't figure out our patients had an STD.
You know what we should do to blow off some steam? Go shoe shopping.
Yeah, but you know what? First, we should have tender, emotional sex, and then cuddle, and then go shoe shopping.
I'm so glad that we're married.
Oh, sweetie.
Life would be so much simpler.
Great.
You're both here.
We need to talk.
We were just trading stories about our grandkids.
They grow up so darn fast.
They do.
They sure do.
Did you want to tell us something, sweetheart? I couldn't do it.
So, you're going to need to tell them to slip on a love glove if they're going to get all freaky and doink.
But don't use those words, they won't know what you're talking about.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a proposal to get ready for.
J.
D.
: It took everything I had in my arsenal to get Melody to mack with me again.
Hey, do you want to mack with me again? Sure.
This time will be different.
The key is not going straight for her chest, but to start in a more innocent area, like her hips.
And he sticks the landing.
You see, ultimately, it's all about persistence.
Stay the course and (EXCLAIMING) You know the rules, and yet, you continue to break them.
I think I'm going to have to give you a lifetime macking ban.
- No! - Yes.
- Give me another chance.
- Can you control yourself? Of course I can.
God is watching.
I can't.
Who is this God everyone fears? Mmm-mmm.
Take these for me.
Thank you.
Hey, J.
D.
, I was wondering if I could borrow your scooter so I could run a few errands.
He looks nothing like me! He doesn't even have any laughter in his eyes, like, at all! Mrs.
Sheldon, Mr.
Bilbray Relax, I already told them both.
And Mrs.
Sheldon and Mr.
Bilbray have been doing a little talking.
Turns out after bridge every Sunday night, Mrs.
Sheldon has been schtupping.
Did I say that right? Yes, you did, sweetheart.
Okay.
Schtupping Howard Steinberg, who is apparently a lot more than just tango partners with Estelle Stevens, who, apart from having a fake hip, is a well-known hussy in Mr.
Bilbray's nursing home.
And Mr.
Bilbray likes to have her get on all fours and sing Who Let The Dogs Out? - I'm getting uncomfortable.
- You can go.
I have to say, I'm very impressed with your vitality.
Honey, let me tell you a secret about sex.
It gives you vitality.
- Right, Bruce? - What? Honestly, I can't imagine how empty life would be without it, can you? (STOLEN PLAYING) Okay, everyone.
Keith's spontaneous proposal to Elliot will be happening in exactly one minute.
Elliot has requested no cell phone photography.
- Those pictures give her pan-face.
- It's absolutely horrendous.
- It's horrible.
- True.
Okay, when she gets here, let's be quiet and give her our full and complete attention.
I'll tell you what's already at full attention.
(GROANS) Per-Per, can I have a beer, please? Can do, dear.
Let me help you down.
Good work.
Hey, let me ask you a question.
You don't really seem like the notch-on-your-bedpost type of guy.
Why are you trying so hard to do me? You know what? I don't even really know.
Actually, I did.
I just didn't want to admit it.
Oh, my God! What is all this? You know what? I'm really happy that you're my wife.
Me, too.
Elliot Reid.
No last name, I changed my mind.
Elliot, will you marry me? (EXCLAIMS) Yes.
Oh, my God, yes! Awesome! (ALL CHEERING) As I looked at all the relationships around me, some that had gone on forever, some that were re-igniting, and some that had just begun.
I realized something.
It should have been me.