Bewitched (1964) s06e20 Episode Script

- Hi.
Want some more coffee? - Yeah.
I think it's awful Larry's making you work on Sunday.
He knows it's your regular golf day.
By tomorrow morning, I've got to come up with something ingenious for the Top Pop account or it's going out the window.
- Lf it does, I may be next.
- You mean Larry threatened you again.
Not in so many words.
He just said he'd hate to see a man with such a bright future get shot down.
- I see.
You just read between the lines, huh? - Right.
Well, at least you could work out on the patio and get some sun.
- Sam, I'm fine.
- You could use it.
- Sam.
- I'm going.
Hiya, gorgeous! - Sam! - Got a riddle for you.
What's worse than finding a worm in an apple? - Finding you in the mirror.
- No! Finding half a worm.
See, half a worm is worse than a whole worm because - Oh, forget it.
- Yes, Darrin, what is it? Oh, Uncle Arthur.
- Hiya, Sammy.
- You get out of there this minute.
Didn't have anything better to do, so I thought I'd drop in and see you and the old point-killer.
- I said, out.
- Okay, okay.
What happened? For your information, this mirror happens to be a valuable antique.
- Somebody took you.
- Sam.
Don't get your giblets in an uproar.
I'll have it back together in a jiffy.
It may take another little jiffy.
Uncle Arthur, is there something the matter with you? Of course not.
That mirror must have a hex on it.
You've got another mirror in the hall, haven't you? Oh, now, wait a minute.
I don't think that's such a good idea.
Watch this, Sammy, then tell me I'm slipping.
- You're - Don't say it, Sammy.
- Another one of your antiques? - It is now.
Uncle Arthur, maybe you're coming down with something, and it's affecting your powers.
Please let me call Dr Bombay.
I tell you, there's nothing wrong with me, and I'll prove it.
There's a mirror at the top of the stairs, right? Sam, stop him! I do wish he'd let me call the doctor.
Never mind the doctor, let's call our insurance man and see if we can get coverage for 21 years of bad luck.
- Twenty-one years? - Three mirrors? Seven years apiece? There.
Now we only have 14 years' bad luck.
Darrin, I wish you'd try to be a little bit more understanding.
- Uncle Arthur's sick.
- You're telling me.
It's not a joking matter.
Could be an allergy or it could be something serious.
Oh, I do wish he'd let me call Dr Bombay.
I don't know how you expect me to work with that nut in the house.
Darrin, he is upstairs lying down and he isn't going to bother you, so why don't you go back to work? - What happened? - Sammy, call the doctor.
Now you're talking sense.
First, let me get you some towels.
Will you stop treating me like an invalid? I'm just a little off my feed.
Let's go into the living room.
Why don't you take a walk around the block? I know you're not too fond of Dr Bombay.
Oh, no.
Every man has the right to protect his home.
Calling Dr Bombay! Calling Dr Bombay! Emergency! Come right away! And I'm going to stay here and protect mine from that quack.
If you ever need brain surgery, don't hesitate to call.
It will only be a minor operation.
May I say, your timing is atrocious? You got me right in the middle of the final match of the Witches International Chess Tournament, and I was playing under a terrible handicap.
- What was that? - My king was drunk.
They play chess with live - Well, come along.
Who's the patient? - Uncle Arthur.
I'll take your pulse first.
Sit down, leg up, left shoe off.
He's got the bedside manner of an orangutan.
Pulse is normal.
What seems to be the problem? Right now, a sprained ankle, I think.
- Make that a broken ankle.
- We'll just check your blood pressure.
Ouch! Are you sure your licence was reinstated? Oh, my.
My, my.
- What is it? Give it to me straight.
- You've got a shocking case of dandruff.
I know I have to put up with his malpractice, but about those jokes Dr Bombay, wouldn't it help if I told you what the symptoms are? If you insist.
Well, his powers are a little erratic.
Sometimes they work, sometimes they don't.
Either way, it's disaster.
- Hi, Darrin.
- Hi.
I was just passing by and I thought I'd stop in and, you know, give you an excuse for a break.
I didn't need any more excuses, but come on in the den.
- Who's that? - Nobody you'd want to meet.
No doubt about it, this is a case of Bombay's Syndrome.
So called after its world-famous discoverer.
- What's Bombay's Syndrome? - It means he's allergic to horse feathers.
- Horses don't have feathers.
- No? What about winged horses? He's right.
I rode in the Winged Horse Derby only last week.
- How'd you make out? - Not too good.
I was riding a skittish filly, and she got her wings caught in the starting gate.
That's it.
Fortunately, I have the cure.
- You expect me to swallow a pill that size? - I'll give you an assist.
Stand up, face me, mouth open, eyes closed.
There we are.
If he doesn't choke, he should be all right.
- It worked in three out of four cases.
- What happened to the fourth? If science is to advance, some sacrifices must be made.
Why, you charlatan! I'll teach you to experiment on me! Uncle Arthur, please! I can't stand these over-effusive thank-you's.
Cheerio! - You got an angle on the slogan yet? - Yes, but I'm not ready to discuss it.
Darrin, I have to be in Chicago at 10:00 in the morning to show it to the Top Pop people.
- Can't you give me a hint? - Well - This is just a rough draft, you understand.
- I know, I know.
You're right.
You're not ready.
Uncle Arthur, before you have a fit, why don't you see if the pill worked? But don't try it on any more mirrors.
Okay.
Have you ever seen me palm a half-dollar? Watch closely.
Oh, Uncle Arthur, thank heavens you're back to normal.
How long do you think you'll be in Chicago? - Quick, get rid of it.
- But I haven't done the trick yet.
If everything goes well, I should be back by Wednesday.
Very good.
Uncle Arthur, Larry and Darrin are Hi, Larry.
You remember my Uncle Arthur.
- Sure.
Nice to see you again.
- Nice to see you.
How's Louise? - Who? - Your wife.
Oh, she's fine.
Yeah, I saw her at the office last week, and she looked just fine.
- You look fine, Sam.
- I feel fine.
You're probably wondering what this is doing here.
No, but I'd say you've over-fertilised your carpet.
What is it doing here? It's Uncle Arthur's new line.
- You're a tree salesman? - No, I'm a fortuneteller.
I read palms.
Larry, you don't want to miss your plane.
Nice to see you and good luck.
Wait a minute.
I'm not leaving till tomorrow.
I know, I know.
I just wanted to give you an excuse to get out of there.
- Her uncle isn't entirely You know.
- I wondered about that.
Ready for this one, Sammy? Name of a famous resort.
You'll never get it.
Palm Springs.
That tears it.
Either he goes or I do.
Oh, I don't want you to have any trouble on my account.
Can I help you pack? I just bombed out with Larry and all because of him.
How do you expect me to concentrate? Sweetheart, as a matter of fact, Uncle Arthur's feeling much better.
Well, better isn't good enough.
Is he well enough to travel? I am happy to report, I feel as frisky as a colt.
- Good grief! - Swell.
Oh, Uncle Arthur.
Uncle Arthur, come out of it.
Uncle Arthur.
Sammy, what happened? Well, let's just say you were horsing around.
That pill has a terrible side effect.
I think we should get Dr Bombay back.
I don't think I can go through that again.
Maybe I'll take an hour off and go out to the driving range.
No, wait.
Don't leave on my account.
You know, you're making me feel about as welcome as an Indian at Custer's last stand.
- Oh, no! - That's a terrible tic he's got.
Uncle Arthur! Uncle Arthur! Madam, my name Sitting Bull.
I don't think he's coming out of this one so easily.
I think I will go out to the driving range.
I've gotta hit something.
Yeah, why don't you do that? There's nothing you can do here anyway.
I'll try and get all this straightened out before you get back.
I'd appreciate it.
But if you can't, I'll certainly understand.
Oh, thank you, sweetheart.
And you can reach me at the Regency Hotel.
Boy, has he got the blue meanies.
I wonder why Dr Bombay hasn't answered any of my calls.
- Want to know what I think? - No! Forgive me, Uncle Arthur.
It's just that every time you tell me what you think, you turn into something.
Now, Darrin's going to be home in an hour, and if this is still going on, he has every right to scream.
Uncle Arthur.
Uncle Arthur.
What happened? I don't know.
I was just sitting here, feeling like the devil.
Oh, terrific.
Uncle Arthur, we have to get your mind off yourself.
It's obvious that Dr Bombay is not gonna show until after that chess match.
How about taking a little ride with me? - You got a broomstick built for two? - I mean in the car.
As a matter of fact, I'll even teach you how to drive.
Sammy, it so happens I know how to drive.
But why bother with a car when we can fly? In your condition? And it wouldn't do you any harm to brush up on your driving just in case.
Just in case what? Well, suppose Dr Bombay can't restore your powers and you're grounded? Gee, you're a regular Pollyanna, aren't you? Sam, someone sold you a lemon.
There's no clutch in this car.
Uncle Arthur, what was the last car you drove? - Well, as I recall, it was a Stutz Bearcat.
- Oh.
Well, cars have come a long way since then.
Everything's automatic now.
You don't say? Well, that should make it even easier.
Okay, turn the key on.
Put your foot on the gas.
There you go.
Now, to go forward, move the gearshift to "D.
" "D"? Shouldn't it be "G" for "Go"? I always thought it should be "F" for "Forward.
" Here we go! - Put on the brake! - I don't see any "B"! Stop, Uncle Arthur! - Uncle Arthur, why didn't you stop? - You told me it was all automatic.
You told me you knew how to drive.
- So I'm a little rusty.
- A little? Oh, Sammy, it's no use.
I've just gotta fly.
It's in my blood.
When I'm up there in that big, blue yonder, I feel like Superman.
Oh, my stars! Uncle Arthur, get out of that thing before somebody sees you.
Faster than a speeding bullet! More powerful than a locomotive! Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound! Uncle Arthur, let's go back in the house.
Look! Up in the sky.
It's a bird.
It's a plane.
No! It's Superman! Up, up and away! Uncle Arthur! Come back! The Federal Aviation people aren't gonna like this! The Flying Nun's not gonna be too happy about it either! - Hi, Spence.
- Oh, hello, Mr Tate.
- May I have a bucket of balls, please? - Sure.
- Your friend Stephens is over there.
- Oh, really? Okay, let's hear it.
Hi, Larry.
Hear what? I assume you wouldn't be out here wasting precious time if you didn't have a winner for Top Pop, so let's hear it.
Well, I did have a glimmer of an idea, and I thought the fresh air would Darrin, I can't go to Chicago tomorrow with a glimmer in my pocket.
Okay, okay.
I'm going back to work as soon as I finish that bucket of balls.
I've got news for you.
You just finished it.
And to show you how dedicated I am, I'm going to escort you safely home.
Oh, Uncle Arthur, please! - Will you please come down from there? - No! We've had quite a few calls about this.
What's going on here? Well, actually, Officer, there's nothing wrong, nothing at all.
- There isn't? - No.
You see, he's my uncle and How does he do that? Well, my husband can tell you more about that than I can.
Tell them, Darrin.
Tell them about the wires.
The wires? Oh, yes, the wires.
It's all done with wires.
Well, how come we don't see the wires? The reason for that is because Darrin, don't say a word.
If you reveal that, anyone can copy it.
Oh, yeah, thanks for reminding me.
Almost blew it.
- What is this all about? - Tell him, Sam.
- Oh, I bet you can guess.
- Yeah, yeah.
Take a guess.
- Is it for one of our accounts? - You guessed it! - Which one? - Which one do you think? Wait a minute! I get it now! You sly devil, this is for the Top Pop account, isn't it? - Well, it - What a terrific idea.
Using an established character with a pre-sold audience.
You see, Darrin? Larry likes it.
- Like it? I love it! - You do? Yes! Now tell me what it's all about.
Yes.
Well, now, let me see.
How does that go again? "Try Top Pop.
It's groovy, man.
It's tasty, man.
It's super, man.
" "It's super, man"? - Hey, that's catchy.
- I think it's sensational.
Sensational.
I knew somebody would come up with the right word.
But, Darrin, you didn't have to go to all this trouble.
You could've just told me about it.
Well, somehow or other, Larry, when I have an idea on the drawing board, it's hard for you to see.
So I thought I'd put it up there where you couldn't miss it.
- I'm sorry you had to come out for nothing.
- Oh, forget it, lady.
I wouldn't have missed this for the world.
So long.
Why, it's your Uncle Arthur.
How did you do that? How do I do it? How do you think? I'm Superman.
Great sense of humour.
Darrin, you've done it again.
- Oh, thanks.
- Now, how did you do it? Well, actually, Sam has a better grasp of this than I do.
Well, it's a new thing.
It's a one-man jetpack.
- Under the cape.
- No kidding? - How come we didn't see any smoke? - That's what's new about it.
- Let me see it.
- Please! One does not touch the person of Superman.
Oh, he's a riot! Well, speaking of riots, why don't we all go inside before we start one? Sam, you've been waiting all afternoon.
What makes you think that idiot Bombay is gonna show up at all? Because in hundreds of years of rendering service to my patients, I have never failed to respond sooner or later.
And it would have been sooner, except some wise guy passed a bottle of bourbon around to all my chess pieces.
Well, well, well, well.
What seems to be the problem? I'll tell you what the problem is, you nincompoop.
I refuse to listen unless I'm addressed by my proper title.
Okay.
"Doctor".
Nincompoop.
Uncle Arthur, please.
That pill you gave him had a terrible side effect.
- Turned into all sorts of things, did he? - Yes.
That's the big drawback with those pills.
This will cure the side effects.
- Just pop one of these into your mouth.
- Wait a minute! - How do you feel? - Well, I I feel like a newborn babe.
You're cured.
Yes.
What was in the pill? I haven't the foggiest notion.
I buy them at the drugstore.
- Goodbye, all.
- I wish I'd voted for Medicare.
Well, I'm glad to see you're back to normal.
If you have to rush off, don't apologise.
You mean you want me to vacate the premises? - That's the general idea.
- My pleasure.
I really crack you up, don't I? Ciao, baby.
Sorry, sweetheart.
I guess we spoiled the whole day for you.
Not the whole day, just the part between sunrise and sunset.
Then I'd say we have a moral obligation to make the most of the evening.