Black-ish (2014) s06e20 Episode Script

1 DRE: When you've been with your partner for 20-plus years, you know how to make them happy.
- Hello.
- Hi.
I know Tuesdays are long for you, so - [Gasps.]
Oh! - Mm-hmm.
- For me? - Yes.
Just for you.
Oh, my goodness.
- Look at this! - Mm-hmm.
My mother has taken the twins and Devante to the movies.
- [Gasps.]
So, we're alone? - No.
You're alone.
I'm gonna go run some errands, so the house is yours.
- Oh, I love you.
- Mm-hmm.
I love you, too.
What are you What are you still doing here? Oh.
I'm gonna get some nuts.
- Okay, get out.
Get out.
- Okay.
You also know how to do right by them.
- Dad.
- [Chuckles.]
Huh? This is the best gift ever! I didn't even think you knew I wanted to start throwing pottery.
Oh, yeah.
[Chuckles.]
Happy birthday, son.
And you definitely know how to get them in a certain mood.
What are you up to? - [Ginuwine's "Pony" plays.]
- What? Yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah - We got 10 minutes.
- Let's go.
When you know someone that well, you also know how to blow their world up.
But in the best relationships, you choose not to push those buttons.
I got Devante into the nature preschool.
They make their own goat milk.
Even if it feels like they're daring you to.
What do you mean we got in? Okay, we didn't get him in, - but we got us an interview.
- [Sighs.]
Devante's gonna be on the cover of that brochure by spring.
It's an environmental preschool, with an emphasis on social justice.
We are social justice.
Okay, why can't we just have my mother take care of him until it's time to go to kindergarten? Unh-uh.
I'm getting too old to watch a baby full-time.
Last week, I lost him at the playground for 20 minutes.
- What? - Ruby! It's fine.
I found him asleep in a tire swing while I was talking to a fine-ass park ranger.
[Chuckling.]
Hey.
Ooh.
See? Why can't he go to the same preschool the other kids went to? Because we already did - the super structured preschool - [Groans.]
that focuses on memorization and repetition.
Devante is creative, like I was.
He likes to get his hands in the dirt.
Devante's gonna thrive at a school like this, - with no schedule, no dress code.
- [Chuckles.]
He gets to walk in the freedom of his own knowledge path.
Okay, yeah, but will he learn anything? This is about what he needs to unlearn, Dre.
[Radar beeping.]
Captain.
The enemy's preparing to launch a hippie preschool.
Sir, it's the silent meditation retreat all over again.
Prepare the torpedoes.
We need to go back to shore! We need to fire without thinking about the consequences.
Stand down, Lieutenant.
We've got to think about the greater good.
The right move now is placation.
Okay.
I think you made the right choice.
Ah, yes.
[Clears throat.]
I am gonna go confirm our interview.
And I am going to order me some therapy Jordans.
I I'm not even hungry anymore.
Goat milk? Disgusting.
Big news on Instagram.
Principal Biggs busted Emily Copeland and Cameron Carter's eighth grade prank.
How'd that happen? They posted about it with the hashtags "#EighthGradePrank" and "#We'veGotABiggsProblem.
" Mm.
That's why my account is private.
Having zero followers is not the same as it being private.
I couldn't help but overhear you two talking about pranks.
You know, my year, we planned the eighth grade prank to end all eighth grade pranks.
How come we never heard of it? My grease man's appendix burst.
So we couldn't execute.
But if we had, imagine how far I could've ridden that momentum.
Prom king.
College mascot.
President.
[Scoffs.]
From a prank? Yes.
Whoever pulls off the eighth grade prank starts high school with a cool factor you can't buy.
But I can give it to you.
You can use my old prank plan.
Oh.
Might be nice to have a legacy other than people on the news saying, - "She seemed like the quiet girl.
" - See? Let me help you become legends.
Consider it my, um graduation gift.
Uh, you said you were gonna get me a chain.
I'll also get you a chain.
- We're in.
- Absolutely.
- All right.
- We've got to come up with - a cool hashtag for this.
- Oh, Friend.
[Sighs.]
So, I've decided the Novo Nordisk "Get Real About Diabetes" campaign will be run by Josh.
- Hey.
- Seriously? But Josh knows nothing about diabetes.
You know who does? Uh, wow.
You're really setting traps.
I have diabetes.
- Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
- Does your family know? I'm not ashamed of having type 2 diabetes.
Everybody thinks it's for your grandparents, but a young cat like me can get it, too.
CHARLIE: Oh, I see.
So, as long as you take your medicine, then you won't age, like vampires or those hikers I saw trapped in ice.
No, Charlie.
- It's more than just medication, okay? - Uh-huh.
It's about diet and exercise.
See? There's a lot of misinformation out there.
Mm.
So you want the campaign? I don't think he wants the campaign.
Yes, I want the campaign! - Okay.
Okay.
- Look, I-I I'm sorry.
I'm a little worked up because I have a tour later on today for this Manson Family preschool that Bow likes.
And I can't tell her why I hate it without - pushing the button.
- Ah.
- [Chuckles.]
- Oh, the button.
The button, am I right? W-What's the button? It's that thing you know that will cause a fight.
So, even though it's true, you can't say it.
Like when you tell a woman, "You sound just like your mother.
" Or when you say to her, "You've used all your words for today.
" - What? - Or when you ask her, "Why does your sister look better than you when she's three years older?" - Mm-hmm.
- Exactly.
And Bow's button is pointing out that she's into stuff that only white people do, even if it is stuff only white people do.
But, Dre, you love the stuff that we do.
Only the good stuff.
Golf, burrata, generational wealth.
But this preschool oh, man, that's hard cider, lacrosse, grown people playing tag.
Eh, but that's beside the point, okay? Bow is biracial, and she grew up struggling with the ideas of identity, so to hit her there now, that's below the belt.
That's just asking for a fight, and it is not worth it.
Well, it is sort of funny, though.
I mean, you want to help America "Get Real About Diabetes" but you won't get real with your own wife.
Wow, that sounds like it's something.
Did one of you guys write that down? - Nope.
- Uh Why don't we have an assistant in here, huh? Oh.
Oh, yeah.
I remember.
Mm.
All right.
- Bow - Huh? Where's the classroom? You're standing in it! - What? - This is it! - I don't know, Bow.
- Hi, guys.
- I don't know.
- Oh.
Hey.
Hey, hey, hey.
- What? - Look, I know I know this is uncomfortable.
- Look at me, sweetie.
- I I know this makes you uncomfortable, okay? But Devante's gonna love it here.
- [Bugle sounds.]
- [Gasps.]
- What was that? - Ah.
Teacher Phoenix is ready for us.
Oh, my God.
That sound makes my soul sing.
We need to make a good impression.
I hope we do.
Come on.
Come on, babe.
I tried to go into the interview with an open mind because anything was better than pushing the button.
[Chicken clucking.]
What?! Yo! I'm gonna burn this place to the ground.
I'd ground my teeth to the nubs on the ride home, but I succeeded in not saying anything I would regret later.
- He's so happy.
- Right.
- Dre.
- Hmm? That place brought back - so many memories from commune school.
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
We used to go out into the forest and we would collect flowers and then we would bring them back.
And we would learn about their properties - and their life cycles.
- Mm-hmm.
But the main thing that I took away was the courage that I got from being able to explore and figure out problems on my own - with kindness and empathy.
- Mm-hmm.
Dre, I know I know that you have concerns about it not being a traditional classroom, but the truth is that a non-traditional education did pretty well for me, Dr.
Rainbow Johnson, MD, right? Mm-hmm.
Did you see that they had chickens? We can sign them out for the weekend.
How amazing would it be to have a little chicken running around the house? Ooh! Be still, my heart.
Sir, she's not backing down! We've got to make a move now! Evasive maneuvers, sir.
Uh, pretend to get a phone call.
No, you fool! We've got to do something now, or Devante's first friend will be a chicken! Fire torpedoes! I'm sorry, Bow, but that's some white [bleep.]
.
[Explosion.]
[Alarm blaring.]
[Exhales sharply.]
We've been hit! Did he just say that to me? All right, we're 72 hours out.
What's our status? I was able to get a lot of the stuff on your list.
- The PVC pipe, the nurse's uniform - Mm-hmm.
But we couldn't get the fiber optic cable or the fireworks.
Plus, Mason doesn't know kung fu, and I'm a little racist for assuming that he did.
Oh, hey.
Hey, hey, hey.
- No one is waving the white flag yet.
- [Sighs.]
I've got an idea.
I'm getting the old band back together.
Jack, Diane, this is the team that is gonna write your names in the Valley Glen history books.
Meet Root Beer, Milkshake, and Lemonade.
Now, you're probably wondering how we got the codenames.
- Your favorite drinks? - And Maybe.
Root Beer's our scrounger.
Milkshake is on tech.
And Lemonade? She's the wild card.
I specifically requested to be the wild card.
Lemonade, you're out.
Mm.
Sorry, Tammy.
See you at spin? Uh, hey, Root Beer, where you going? - [Door opens.]
- She's kind of my ride, so - If we pull this off - [Door closes.]
you will be getting free rides for the rest of your life.
[Exhales sharply.]
You know just the thing to say to me, you crazy son of a bitch.
[Chuckles.]
I did it.
I pushed the button.
But she needed to hear it, because if she didn't hear it, Devante wouldn't have been able to read before he was 15.
Well, you did the right thing by your son, Dre.
I'm sure one day he'll recover from being the product of a divorce.
My sons did.
Except the ones who tried to kill me.
They, uh, they struggled.
Okay, look, I know it was harsh, but you guys were right.
I needed to tell the truth.
You didn't just tell the truth.
- You punched her heart in the crotch.
- What? Since when do you listen to us about marriage? I've been divorced seven times, Josh has only been with a blow-up doll, and Charlie's Charlie.
He's right, Dre.
I'm Charlie.
Uh Well, what was I supposed to do? Invade Russia in the winter, uh, smoke at a gas station, give your mistress your home address.
Anything except push the button.
Well, I don't think it was that bad.
It's her button, Dre.
Her button.
You know what? You guys are right.
This is on me.
I should have never listened to you clowns.
Now I got to go apologize and smooth it over.
Okay.
You tell Bow my door's always open.
For her.
I don't want those kids.
I knew I put my foot in it.
I had to try and walk back the things I said before things got any worse.
- RAINBOW: Hi.
- Hey.
Babe, look, uh, I just want to say that, uh I'm sorry for stepping over the line, you know? But I just can't get with the chicken-check-out place.
Hey, I [Sighs.]
I prefer a more traditional school.
You know, one that has chalkboards, desks, a floor.
I get it.
- Mm-hmm.
- I do.
I get it.
You just want to make sure your son has the right head start.
Exactly.
Yeah, that he doesn't get held back, like you did.
[Explosion, alarm blaring.]
Captain, we've sustained a direct hit! Oh, that came out of nowhere! [Laughs.]
- I wasn't held back.
- Hmm.
I just did a year of "Readiness School.
" That's not a real grade.
Yes, it is.
It's where you get a handle on your time management problems.
Yes.
That is why you always hear the CEOs thank their Readiness teachers.
- I - Yeah.
My God! Why are you hitting that so hard?! Chicken walked over my shoe at Bow's hippie preschool today, so I'm taking my revenge out on his cousin.
Well, get some revenge in that corner, or it's not gonna cook evenly.
[Meat tenderizer clatters.]
Things got ugly between Bow and I.
She had the nerve to bring up my year at Readiness School.
What? That year you got held back? It was just time management, Mama.
Sure it was, baby.
Eh But for her to bring it up she's hitting below the belt.
Yes.
It's one of my buttons.
See? That's what people like her do.
What you need to do is jump in that elevator like a white child in a skyscraper and drag your fingers over all of those buttons.
- Yeah? - It's in your blood, baby.
We come from a long line of button-pushers.
Mm.
One time, your father brought home the wrong toothpaste, - and you know what I told him? - What? [Chuckles.]
"That's why you were too dumb to get drafted.
" Damn, Mama.
Over toothpaste? The wrong toothpaste.
So, do what we do, baby.
No! No! Is this a trap? Huh? You've blown up every relationship that you've ever had.
No, I'm not gonna do it.
- I'm gonna talk to Bow.
- [Cellphone.]
You know, and it's She made a deposit at the school.
Oh, hell no! [Chuckles.]
I told you that's what she do.
Ah.
Perfect timing.
Root Beer and Milkshake are already in place.
Are you guys ready to become legends? Yeah.
Totally.
So ready.
But Heather Williams is having a graduation party.
Mm.
And her camp friends are gonna be there.
Camp friends, Junior.
But we're already in motion.
Milkshake only has 45 minutes of air.
Junior, we can't thank you enough for sharing your plan with us, but we feel we're better suited to being cool party guests.
We also don't have faith in you.
But the tradition of the eighth grade prank is steeped in She got the In-N-Out truck.
And a photo booth.
We out.
- [Sighs.]
- All right.
I can't believe you sent that deposit without talking to me first.
There was a deadline.
We would have lost our spot if I hadn't.
And you sent it from our joint checking account just to get under my skin.
No, I did it because there was no money in the 529 account because you didn't make it an automatic deposit the way you said you would three years ago.
[Explosion.]
Captain! Permission to light her up! Oh, light her ass up! Well, I'm sorry that I don't want my son going to a school in a cult, like you did, because your parents were too dumb to realize that Shaman Dave was financing your Garden of Eden - by running guns.
- [Explosion.]
[Rumbling, alarm blaring.]
Should we comment on his weight? No, no, no, no, no.
We hit him where it hurts.
Oh, you want to talk about parents? 'Cause we can talk about parents.
Specifically your mama.
Bow.
Don't talk about my mama.
You don't want me to talk about your mama and all the friends that she has? 'Cause your mom has a loooot of friends.
- Bow.
- She's "friends" with the pastor, she's "friends" with the deacon, she's "friends" with the usher.
All those friends must make you closer to God.
Your mom is definitely going to Heaven.
Bow, don't you talk about my mama! [Grunts.]
Make me! Oh, I will.
[Both scream.]
In a successful, loving marriage, you get to know the other person so well, so intimately, that you have the weapons to destroy them, which is why you don't go there, because it's mutually assured destruction.
[Voices speaking rapidly in reverse.]
Did you see the chickens? Okay, can I talk to you for a second? - Yeah.
What's up? - All right.
Look I'm just not feeling this, all right? I'm just worried that this is the kind of school where he could fall behind.
Dre, this is a really good school for Devante.
Maybe.
I just want to be careful.
I know what it was like in my early years, and I don't ever want any of our children to feel the way that I did.
Yeah.
That makes sense.
It does, and [Inhales deeply.]
maybe I'm pushing because we sent all of our other kids to regular preschool, and it just makes me feel like the way I was raised was second best.
Oh, no.
Babe, I don't ever want you to feel like that.
I know this is a big change, but you got to trust that I wouldn't do anything to set Devante up for failure.
I know you wouldn't.
All right? So let's send the boy to the chicken school.
- The nature school.
- [Chuckles.]
All right? I know this means a lot to you, so let's give it a try.
Thanks, babe.
And I promise that if Devante starts clucking the ABCs, - we will send him somewhere else.
- Oh.
- Okay, yes.
Yes, we will.
- Okay.
- Hold on one second, baby.
- What you got? I wanna, uh, send you clucking.
[Ginuwine's "Pony" plays.]
Oh.
Heyyy.
Okay.
Yes.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Uh.
Behind every button is an injury, a place where your partner - feels disrespected, small.
- Ooh! I wasn't respecting the way Bow was raised, so my choices were to keep pushing on that bruise or try to heal it.
Ahh.
I think I made the right choice.
Gotta be compatible If he were in eighth grade, he'd only get suspended.
I may not be able to get your father, but I got you.
Junior, you are not going to believe it.
Everyone thinks we were the masterminds behind your plan and that we double-crossed you to take the fall.
And now we're set for high school.
- Thank you, Junior.
- Oh.
Don't worry about my chain.
[Grunts.]
[Car door closes.]
[Breathes sharply.]
- [Car door opens.]
- [Laughing.]
[Car door closes.]
What's so funny? Oh.
They think you're a real cop.
Oh.
[Chuckles.]
- Take us to In-N-Out, Root Beer.
- [Siren wails.]